What does marriage mean to you?

So I have been dabbling in writing a new story.  I took most of the characters and plot complications from "The Revolving Door" and am putting my new story together like a slow moving puzzle.  Although my life hasn't been extraordinary--I have learned a few tough lessons along the way.  If I could pass the torch to another young woman, to explain to her a few of the simple truths regarding relationships, life, and moving forward-- I would be satisfied.

Over the past couple of days I have been wishing to have a crystal ball.  I even peruse daily horoscope sites, searching for answers about the direction my life is going.  I wish I had a compass--to point me in the direction of my goals, friends, and romantic interests.  Imagine knowing you definitively made the right choice.  [Insert wistful sigh here]

What about sparks? I rarely spark with someone...are sparks always mutual? When two people are separated by circumstances but connected by chemistry--is it inevitable they will make it work..or does life laugh at our fated desires? This leads to my essential question of life lately...how do you know when someone is the one?  Of course I could regurgitate the cliche witticisms splayed throughout society: I knew on our first date (did you? did you? That's called LUST), or "it's the person that you can't live without"---but what does that really mean in the long run?  Worse still, can love remain unrequited? I loathe the circumstances that bring about the notorious can'thavehimbutwanthimcrush.  To me, the idea is unfathomable.

It's strange, I have always considered myself to be a hopeless romantic.  I read love stories--I believe in them...so much so that I truly, truly, deeply believe that love can resemble a fairytale.  I just don't want to be so disillusioned that I end up alone--not wanting to accept the inevitable relationship scenario.

Someone said to me the other day that love or marriage is a "conversation that never ends." This taps into a fear I've had that originated years ago when I was waitressing.   An older couple came in nonchalantly and sat at the table in complete silence reading across from each other.  The scene broke my heart; does every relationship reach a point where you have nothing left to say?

For some reason, growing up, I never really pictured what marriage would be like.  It's quite strange, we have so much build up to this "glorious" event and yet...I have no real idea what it would be like.  What does marriage mean?  I would love to hear some opinions about this.  The sad truth of it is that I don't really know that many married couples--all that I know is that two people, sitting idly on the sofa watching tv, not talking over dinner, and arguing over bratty children seems like a nightmare.  I am not naive enough to think that there isn't some beauty in contentment--but when does contentment turn into settling? Do any married couples keep the romance and passion alive? Does it all have to turn into day-to-day routines of laundry, kids, and hectic schedules?

Would it be totally inappropriate to take to the streets with a camera crew and capture the instinctual responses of married couples in the street?  Could I possibly be that nosy for just one day? I'm dying to find out the answers.

Whatever your sentiments on Astrology

I've been re-reading my blogs, baffled by my own flair for the dramatic.  Although I write in the moment--the one thing that is prevalent in all of my latest journals is realizing things about myself that aren't working.  Over the past couple of months, I have realized that I am slightly intolerant of other people--particularly when I feel like they are being "weak." My writing is my time to 'vent' and 'complain' but you would rarely hear me voicing these sentiments in a public setting.  I am continually concerned with how something should be, not necessarily just accepting things for what they are or how I am.  For example, wondering the best way to handle a disagreement with an acquaintance--how am I supposed to go about being tactful and pragmatic? I never want to handle something inappropriately or too emotionally.  Very rarely will my emotions get the best of me.  If I could shut off my brain, it would spare me hours (and my friends) of over analyzing.  In the book, The Four Agreements, the first agreement is "Don't take anything personally."  This is one of my biggest downfalls.

I found this yearly astrology thing, and it seems pretty dead on with what I am going through--coincidence?  

You may get an opportunity to teach, write or share important knowledge and information with others. Don’t be pre-occupied with finding the perfect phrase or line, speak from your heart, let the spirit move you. Unpredictable and unorthodox Uranus moves into Aries over the spring and summer and will return to Aries for approximately 7 years from 2011. Aries is associated with probably the most complex area of your solar chart. Therefore you can expect 2010 to be the start of an important period in your life when you get greater insight into how you can sometimes be your own worse enemy. This might be exciting, it might be shocking and it may also be disruptive but what it can help you free yourself from those aspects of yourself you can’t quite grasp or even understand, but which may be preventing you reaching your potential. Meditation, metaphysics and dreams are avenues to explore since they can enable you to get insight into hidden aspects of yourself. So whether you’re bending spoons, learning astrology or learning to meditate, this really is the beginning of a time when understanding can come from exploring your inner world. This is the beginning of a process that can enable you to release yourself from the ghosts of your past, and your own, more personal demons. With beneficial Jupiter joining Uranus in the Aries over the spring and summer, this can be a time of healing and insight.


Some of the individuals who enter your life during this period will be around for a long time and could prove to be a source of much help, support and encouragement to you in the future. You may meet someone older and wiser who acts like a mentor or benefactor, or you may find yourself playing this role in the lives of others. Therefore this is an excellent time for networking, teamwork and establishing contacts and for getting involved in groups or organisations and teaming up with others who share your personal and professional aims and aspirations. With Mars in Leo until June, the first half of 2010 could be a busy and possibly disruptive time for you on the domestic front. Consequently, this may be a good time for you to move or put your energy into sorting out and improving your home and living environment. You may feel the need to assert yourself with relatives, neighbours or your landlord. However with Mars, there is always the potential for conflict. Therefore if you’ve something to say, try to remain calm and don’t let stubbornness or pride become an obstacle to reaching agreement and compromise.

Taurus 2010 - Love

Behind your calm, easygoing facade you’re a very passionate, sensual animal. When it comes to love, you seldom make the first move, preferring to attract what you want to you. With a solar eclipse falling on Venus, planet of love, as 2010 gets underway, this suggests that you may have to venture outside your usual scene and routine if you‘re looking for romance. You could meet someone special while studying or travelling and you could even find yourself drawn to someone from a different background or culture to your own. Jupiter’s move into Pisces suggest 2010 will be a good year for you socially, so make the most of opportunities to meet new people next year. However, with Mars in Leo until June, to avoid tension on the domestic front, try not to let family members or relatives interfere in your relationships during this period.  With Saturn in Virgo from April to July, this could be busy and potentially demanding time for you romantically. Therefore it’s important not to let your critical eye prevent love from entering your heart at this time. If things get a little stressful, be patient and try not to complicate matters.

Taurus 2010 - Work

2010 promises to be a very productive year in which you can build upon your progress in recent years. The quantity and quality of your work is likely to increase and you may be given a bigger job or more responsibility in the workplace. Nevertheless this should be an excellent time to return to study or training. While you’re more likely to do well in subjects that interest you, ideally try to do something that is creative, technical and relevant to your career goals. The key to work success next year and beyond is to develop greater technical expertise and specialisation in your work. This would also be a good time to improve your language skills because you may have opportunities to work with foreign people and companies. Work and health are linked next year, so don’t take on too much. Learning to say no will reduce stress levels. Try to look after your health and diet and develop a more effective and efficient daily routine. This will enable you to manage your workload and keep your edge in the market place.

The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected.

For the others who may feel as lost as I do sometimes...

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes in to us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands and hopes we've learnt something from yesterday.

The future is something which every one reaches at the rate of sixty miles an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.

Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.

re is only one large circle that we march in, around and around, each of us with our own little picture-in front of us-our own little mirage that we think is the future.

Nothing in life is more remarkable than the unnecessary anxiety which we endure, and generally create ourselves.

I have always been driven by some distant music-a battle hymn no doubt-for I have been at war from the beginning. I've never looked back before. I've never had the time and it has always seemed so dangerous.

Life has a funny way of changing.  After college, I thought the only time of uncertainty would be before Spain.  Now, as December is crawling up (because it is moving at a snail's pace) I find myself once again in a state of flux.  Beyond December is an unknown, a complete variable--it makes me feel like nothing is certain outside of myself.  I hate that feeling. Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. 

I'm so burnt out that I actually cried the whole drive home.

I am exhausted.   I babysat little Courtney today and almost fell asleep multiple times.  I actually laid across the floor like the outline of a dead body.  I am exhausted.  What made me break down and cry the whole way home from J's new apartment was the realization that I am not happy.  I don't feel young, beautiful, exciting or fun.  I feel like I am losing myself in the day to day shuffle.  At work I have to be serious and organized to keep the kids in line, in class I am stressed and anxious--completely overwhelmed by my horrible professor, and then with J I feel like I am his pal to get things done with--not his girlfriend.  There is no picturesque romance happening-- there is depletion after shoving mattresses across a massive parking lot and up stairs.  There is standing in a kitchen, gnawing on pizza after not eating all day--too tired to really speak to each other.  I feel like there is an ocean between us, any conversation we have being drowned out by the ongoing hurricane.  The real fear, the real frustration is that my life is not what I expected.

We grow up thinking that things will magically work out the way they are supposed to--that every decision we make will be the right one, that doing the right thing will be easy, that falling in love will be as obvious as gravity.  As I am getting older, I am realizing that life isn't as beautiful as the picture I painted in my mind as a little girl, even 2 years ago.   I always thought love would be the easy part--I never thought that life and stress would play a role in my relationship.  I am sure that sounds naive to all the realists out there--but for me, that was a real belief.  I believed in the fairytale--and I what I struggle with is whether or not it exists.  Part of me still believes that our lives will be magical because they are ours, because it is what we wanted with who we wanted (rather, who we could not live without)--but the other part, thinks that maybe nothing is what it seemed.  Maybe love loses the romance--maybe two people can't be as crazy about each other as they were when they had the butterflies.   Maybe we won't get the promotion we felt entitled to and worked so hard for--maybe we won't get the recognition for our work...maybe, as hard as you tried not to, you'll find yourself settling because you don't know what else to do.  That is my biggest fear.

I would be happy rinsing the stress from the past two months off my skin--I need to be clean of the stress.  I need to handle it better.

I don't even know where to begin in starting to relax.  I feel like a wind up toy that is on full speed.  I hope I can survive this summer-I don't want to lose myself in the shuffle between school, work and my OCD idiosyncrasies.  I just don't want this to be my life.  It's too draining.  I just wonder if all of this was a mistake, I feel like I don't know what I'm doing and things are just moving too fast.  I feel like i've lost myself to the stress.  I am who I am.  I will never be ambivalent to grades, I will never be able to fall asleep in a messy room, I will never go to sleep without having taking care of what I needed to--I can't help who I am.   But I refuse to be some stressed out fool running around on hyperspeed because of school and work and the life that happens in between.  I just need to shut the world off sometimes and just sit.  I miss being able to be at peace with myself and just shut off my mind.  I am making a vow to do something nice for myself this weekend.  I can't go-go-go all the time. I'm exhausted.

So tired but still wide awake.

Lack of activity destroys the good condition of every human being, while 

movement and methodical physical exercise save it and preserve it. - 

Plato 

Do you ever wonder why we fixate on our physique? Everyday we are bombarded by advertisements--the new way to be thin without doing anything.  I pulled into the gym parking lot this morning, thinking about my spinning certification...the only thing that came to mind was "it's not my life right now." Spinning and fitness cannot be my life right now.  Sometimes I wonder what it is all for--this obsession with being lean.  For me, I think it makes me feel in control.  I can control how my body looks and how far I can run.  I thought about how tired I was and how I could be resting before a long day at work and school..I just wanted to know what was the point of it all? There is a difference between being healthy and than being as toned and as in shape as I like to be.   Whenever I am stressed in life, the first words out of my mouth are something negative about my body.  I have probably never been in better shape than I am now, and yet I still feel dissatisfied.  I don't even have an "ideal" physique in mind, I have no idea what would make me feel 100% happy with my body..which leads me to believe it's something I am dealing with internally.  

Today flew by--the kids are so entertaining, and draining, at the same time.  Tomorrow is the Cabin Challenge--we came up with a chant using "You're a Jerk" by New Boyz.  After work tomorrow, J is moving into his new apartment after months in his sewer--the last thing I feel like doing is moving furniture all weekend.  I'm babysitting on Saturday and then helping him move the rest of the night (renting a truck to move the heavy pieces..woo haha) and then I need to work on homework for the week on Sunday.  I just don't want my life to be so occupied that I don't have time for myself.   I need time to just be lazy.  Is anyone else like that? Where you could literally just sit on your couch for 3 hours watching HGTV and be thrilled to pieces? Tanning would be a dream...floating in the pool.  Summer loses it's dreamy appeal when you're not on break from school--two weeks vacation in the real world is unacceptable.  

This is completely random--but one of my friends just got engaged.  I was so thrilled for her that I became teary eyed upon receiving the news.  Days later, I find myself realizing how far I am in my own life from that step.  If I'm going to be brutally honest--I am not even sure I believe in marriage.  I want to.  I really want to.  But how do you know? I never thought anyone could be a better fit for me than J--I never had any idea anyone like him was out there--but months have gone by and our blissful, passionate romance has settled into a dynamic duo conquering shopping, homework, and moving furniture.  I miss the va va voom.  Can you ever keep the va va voom all the time? Or is settling down, really settling into a routine? They say you should marry your bestfriend--does that mean that the lust between two people cannot survive? 

I cringe when I think of young people, 24 year olds, getting married.  What is the rush? It also scares me to think that I am so young--am I so far off from the "goal" of being married? I can't imagine being someone's wife.   I can't imagine being so tied to another person.  I don't even know what I really want for myself, how can I make decisions that suit two people? I hate hearing people in such a rush to get married.  They treat it as the next step after graduating, and fortunately my mother has instilled in me that there are other goals to attain--like seeing the world, becoming successful, and pursuing my own passions.  

I have a book I want to write and I never have the time to sit and work on the next chapter.  One of the girls at work asked me when I was getting married, I replied "I'm busy!"  I just wonder--am I the exception or the rule? Sometimes I worry that I have such deep seated hesitation to any sort of lifelong commitment because I've never seen it be successful.  Kenny always tells me that he doesn't believe in marriage, I usually say nothing but sometimes I'll pull the optimistic card.  These days, as the wheels of the future are in motion and the horizon could hold a 'marriage' in the future...I am beginning to question all the things that have seemed to be guarantees.  Can two people, keep the sparks, even after marriage? What happens after the 'happily ever after' ? What happened to Cinderella? Was he really her Prince Charming? Or did he just begin to see her as another fixture in the house? Hm.

With Coffee, All is Possible!

It is 7:38 AM.  It is 7:38 AM! I am going to a spinning class from 8:15-9:15 and then coming home to shower to leave for work by 10:30 AM.  I am so happy that I am no longer working at 7am; instead I am working from 11AM-5PM and then going to class 6-10 PM.  I am very proud of myself for getting out of bed and going to the gym....I always feel less stressed when I am weight lifting or doing spinning classes regularly.  I'll be honest, I did not make it to the 5:45 AM spinning like I had originally set my alarm for...but we have to begin somewhere :)

I think if I write about my work outs, I will be more likely to keep up with them.  Although I am busy and tired, working out keeps me balanced and makes me feel like I am doing something that I want to do versus all the things I HAVE to do.  Vamos a ver.


Happy Thursday! I can't wait for Friday!!!!

Confessions of a Shopaholic..

So with my career path as a teacher, I sullenly left behind being able to buy whatever, whenever I wanted.  Spending $260 on jeans was usual, and now I cringe at the thought.  My shopping endeavors have taken me to Nordstrom Rack and TJ Maxx.  On the not so rare occasion I am at my shopping hubs, I stop in at the Ross adjacent to TJ Maxx.  This past weekend (I spent the entire day perusing racks of clothing--it's almost pathetic...no...it is pathetic) I stumbled upon a pair of Michael Kors pumps that were so fabulous...I spent 20 minutes trying to defend my possible purchase.  Finally, after mulling over the shoes and chewing my inner lip--I walked out of the store with nothing.  Something has happened to me, something crazy and unbelievable.  I have harnessed the inner shopaholic, for a more pragmatic (granted, still completely dangerous) buyer.  I think the shopaholic was more fun.

At the age of 24, I am turning into a grown up.  The kids at work gasp at hearing the age of 19--I didn't have the heart to tell them that I was 24..when did that become old? I still think of myself as the foolish and random 16 year old, prancing around Phoenix like an idiot.

Tonight I had my first summer session class--it's a research class.  In my time when I am supposed to be listening to boring lectures--I multi-task and am quite the corresponder.  In my 4 hours of class, I compose e-mails, check facebook, organize my notes, read ahead, and sometimes even gchat! All of these are huge accomplishments for me since every time I check my e-mail, I do it as if the devil himself is going to leap out of my computer and hit me upon entering the g-mail screen.  I'm constantly afraid I'm going to get stressful news in my e-mail--I hate being so connected.  

This morning I really contemplated knowingly leaving my cell phone behind; I couldn't bring myself to do it.  I just feel that people are way too connected; gossip is 10x worse than it ever was because it surrounds us at home with technological mediums.  It's an interesting how something can be so helpful with talking to my friends in other countries, but so detrimental to our society as a whole.  People can't get off their phones!

When I came home from Spain, I would leave my cell everywhere.  Granted, I am still not that much better.   I leave it around the house all the time, loving the excuse of 'losing' it temporarily.  I also have around 7 voicemails that go unchecked daily.  I hate checking my voicemail, I have a deep seated aversion to calling it to listen to messages I know were left without urgency.  Why can't I just call you back?

Anyway, I have to be at work at 7am tomorrow.  The new guy hasn't been cleared by administration and I get to cover his early morning shift and then be in class til 10 pm.  I promised myself that I wouldn't complain about my schedule so I am really doing my best to stick to it.

Also, you should know that I am back on my apple cider vinegar kick.  I couldn't work out last week because of my black lung/bubonic plague, and this week I can't bring myself to be at the gym at 5 AM and then head straight to work...I suppose even I know that might be TOO much.  I can work out on Friday, Saturday & Sunday.  That's a comforting thought anyhow.

I know this entry was awful and probably vapid, but I'm having a mindless moment.  You know?


Dulces suenos.

The Shark Tank

 In order to get power and retain it, it is necessary to love power; but love of power is not connected with goodness but with qualities that are the opposite of goodness, such as pride, cunning and cruelty

~Tolstoy

People pay for what they do, and still more, for what they

have allowed themselves to become. And they pay for it simply: by the

lives they lead. 

~Edith Wharton

  This year has been an interesting experience--I am going through the ups and downs of having a "grown-up" job.  I never realized how dog-eat-dog occupations were.  It surrounds me at work and at the high school I am doing my field experience at .  I watch people seemingly "hawk" over one another, trying to out do the person because of what they feel they are entitled to.  It's ironic that I work at a job dealing with teenagers, and my problem has nothing to do with them and everything to do with power hungry co-workers.  

  I am doing my best to keep my chin up and trust that good always overcomes evil.  Does good always get what they deserve? Or do you have to succumb to the Shark mentality? I hate that going to work has turned into an awkward power struggle that I have no intention of being apart of.  I just want to keep my job and do the best job that I can.  

  Instead of relying on the literary greats for my free reading, I am bending and purchasing titles like "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff at Work" and "The Art of Happiness." I never thought I would become a self-helper.  The real world has driven me to self-help books.  

  

  My goal is to follow the advice of Dr. Richard Carlson--I will  will not complain about it any more.  I cannot change anyone.  I cannot change anything other than how I handle it.   This will be my mantra.  

  Also, I really miss Kenny.  He is the complementary part of my personality that tells me how to handle assholes.  I really wanted to call him today and then I remember he's in Adelaide.  This was very depressing. 

 In short...all is well?

Hello, May.

"An affectionate disposition not only makes the mind more peaceful
and calm, but it affects our body in a positive way too.  On the
other hand, hatred, jealousy and fear upset our peace of mind, make
us agitated and affect our body adversely.  Even our body needs peace
of mind and is not suited to agitation.  This shows that an
appreciation for peace of mind is in our blood."

Everyone is freaking out in my class.  To the point that I'm speechless---I have no advice to offer.


You wouldn't think it would be this expensive to become a teacher.  Why is that?

I've never been more excited to finish a semester.

My mom aptly pointed out that we are reaching the 8 month mark for my program.  It has been a LONG 8 months.  I have turned into the "flake" friend--canceling plans last minute because of work, homework assignments, or overdue sleep.   For example, this past weekend I was supposed to go to the culinary festival on Saturday...then I realized I needed to babysit (that blaring overdraft fee in mind).  I reluctantly made a grown up decision to "earn" money instead of "spending" it.  My "grown up" choices are unnoticed by mother.  I ran into her room this afternoon, giddy with excitement about finding Missoni Acqua perfume on sale for 9.99 + shipping, she asked me about my "savings" plan instead.  Savings? Savings. Savings!  I know she is right..lately I have been indulging myself on my bargain finds on EBay.  I am a long way from the days when I would buy full price True Religions.  Sigh. 


I know the right decision for my birthday money is to deposit it all into my savings account....I will not  WILL deposit it tomorrow.

In other news, I am babysitting again tonight and we are going to make funfetti cupcakes.  Jamie, I know you're thrilled.   Then I need to come home and clean up my paper disaster from doing homework today.  I am so so so so so so so OVER the busy work.  December.....December...DECEMBER!!


I also have not heard back from the TEFL program to teach in Argentina, what's with that?  I guess I am going to have to pick up the phone.  I would like to know what I am doing with my life in January.

Allison is coming this Friday, I am so excited.  I want to go to Sedona, hike Pinnacle Peak and Camelback, shop for some outfits for my upcoming Boston trip, and have movie nights.  It'll be so nice to have her here---it's like Jamie and I were saying the other night, real friends are hard to come by.

Off to the adventures of babysitting.... happy Sunday :)

To me, you are beautiful.

Never be afraid to sit awhile and think. 

When we cannot bear to be alone, it means we do not properly value the only companion we will have from birth to death - ourselves. 

You're never alone. 

Procrastinating....

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.  

~Spanish Proverb

"Beautiful Mess" - Jason Mraz

You've got the best of both worlds 

You're the kind of girl who can take down a man, 

And lift him back up again 

You are strong but you're needy, 

Humble but you're greedy 

Based on your body language, 

your shouted cursive I've been reading 

You're style is quite selective, 

though your mind is rather reckless 

Well I guess it just suggests 

that this is just what happiness is 

Hey, what a beautiful mess this is 

It's like picking up trash in dresses 

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write 

Kind of turn themselves into knives 

And don't mind my nerve you can call it fiction 

'Cause I like being submerged in your contradictions dear 

'Cause here we are, here we are 

Although you were biased I love your advice 

Your comebacks they're quick 

And probably have to do with your insecurities 

There's no shame in being crazy, 

Depending on how you take these 

Words that paraphrasing this relationship we're staging 

And it's a beautiful mess, yes it is 

It's like, we are picking up trash in dresses 

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say 

Kind of turn themselves into blades 

And the kind and courteous is a life I've heard 

But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt 

Cause here, here we are, Here we are 

Here we are

Surviving the airport rat race.

Firstly, I need to tell you what a jackass I was in my last post.  I went over to J's and he had a beautiful/sweet candlelit bbq waiting for me outside.  Complete with a white tablecloth, a bottle of wine, and yellow daffodils.  It made my heart melt.  He's really an amazing man and made me put my foot in my mouth, I can't believe what a gremlin I was being.  I have this tendency to see things in one huge event versus looking at the whole picture...and the picture has a man in it that really, genuinely, loves me (including my crazy psycho moments like today).

So I'm at the airport, and per usual my flight is delayed.  I'm sitting here, level 10, with Valley Fever, wanting to claw my way out of the sardine case that is airport seating.  Someone is probably reading this as I type.  It's like when you are going through airport security...you start contemplating life.  It must be entertaining to sit back and watch the little people traverse the rat race style hoops, bend over with your ass out ("Look out, my pants drop when I undo the suspenders" as the old man in front of me aptly put it), lose your shoes and dignity, and rush like you're doing a walk of shame after they scan your belongings.  Fortunately, today I was not patted down like last time.   I feel like it is a timed race, everyone gets intense as hell going through security like "MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE!" --We should get a goddamn gold medal when we finish.  It's like the ultimate reality tv race.  Who can get through security the fastest.  I love the hop as you scuffle to put on your shoes and hold your jeans up at the same time.  

Today I was not the person who flipped the heck out--a man on the flight before mine got into a word war with the man behind the desk...something about gate checking his bag; he literally was yelling and cursing.  Poor guy, probably got searched in security and lost some precious liquid belonging.  Every man for himself!

In all honesty, flying does not bother me one bit.  I love, love, love people watching.  You have the people who love yelling their cell phone conversation because they think they are sooooo important/interesting, the overly affectionate older couple, the annoying "sorority" girls (nothing against sororities..but you know the wannabes are out there), the angry business man, the creep (yes...he is checking YOU out), the sick person...hacking up their guts (oh please god do not let me get h1n1!) and sometimes the hyperactive children that need to be banned from sugary goods.

Anyway, I am so excited to Jamie! Her birthday is on Saturday :) Denver is expecting a blizzard, so atleast we will be in good company.  We are planning to see Remember Me on Friday night....so excited, and then indulge in our secret habit of the twilight saga..I know Rob Pattinson is a weirdo in real life..but as Edward Cullen, my heart stops.

Next weekend is my AEPA exam (8 hours on Saturday) and Allison is flying in on Thursday for a much overdue wife reunion.  J's friends are also coming into town on Thursday, so it should be an eventful weekend.  Sunday we are going to see the Giants in Old Town.

8:57 am declaration.

I know that I am the only person who can change how I feel.  To say that up until this point I have always been a confident woman would be a lie; no matter how tempting that seems.  It might be appealing to crawl under a rock and cry, cry just because I can.   Cry because it might make me feel better to have a pity party.    It also might be easier to take any outside stress and make it my own, then at least I'll have a fighting chance of a sense of control.

It seems that my "control" issue crops up unexpectedly.  I cannot control how someone feels about me or perceives me.  The only thing I can control is myself--how much I let stress get under my skin, how ugly I make my reflection, or how much sleep I lose over life's battles.

I hate owning up to the fact that maybe life isn't always perfect--not perfect in the fairy tale way, but perfect in the sense that it will be a smooth, enjoyable ride.

Worrying is unfortunately a part of life I also need to come to terms with.  I am very worried about the unknown beyond graduation.  In December, I might very well be unemployed, getting ready to move abroad for 6-8 months.  Life was much easier when I had a 4-year plan that went..freshmen year, sophomore year, junior year, and senior year.

Now the only thing to do is enjoy the sunshine outside--you should know it's 80 degrees and the birds are chirping. Boo hoo, I know.  I am going to spinning (with a sore throat, because I am still bat crazy about fitness) and then off to work.

The goal of the next month is acceptance--acceptance of who I am, and who I am not.  I will never be picture perfect, totally put together, and running off on romantic rendezvous.  But, I will tell you sitting outside with a yankee candle in the dark, thinking up 'big adventure' schemes, and going to visit Piglet for her birthday are all pretty damn great.

I wish I lived in a fairy tale.

“Obsessed by a fairy tale, we spend our lives searching for a magic door and a lost kingdom of peace.”

When I was a little girl, I spent hours reading all about faraway lands and great romances.  I watched Disney movies--everything always worked out; life's troubles were tucked away neatly in a drawer.   I have always lived in an alternate reality.  I chose to whirl away any problems by wearing a pink tutu and red patent leather shoes.  I'd read the fairy-tales I loved to my tea parties, perched happily in my little red chair.  These fairy-tales were what I thought awaited me in real life.  What a disappointment. 

At 23, I'm starting to realize that maybe there is no great love story waiting beyond the horizon.  Maybe there is no Prince Charming on a white horse.  I write this in regret.  I have always wanted to believe that there would be someone out there who would fall madly in love with me, protect me from all the evils of the world, and treat me like a Princess.  I don't think I'll ever get a crown, except as a joke on my birthday.   I will be blowing out my 24th candle as a princess realist.  Sigh.

Now it seems as if I'm hoping there will be someone, not to fall madly in love with me, but merely to tolerate me.  Despite being far from perfect, I clung to the thought that someone would love everything about me.  This, does not seem attainable.  

If it's not what I'm doing wrong, it's what's wrong with me.  Lately, I am so uncomfortable in my own skin; how did I let that happen?  The most unattractive quality in a person is low self-esteem.   This is what I seem to be most comfortable wearing lately-- the label of insecure.  I keep wondering what I could change to be more desirable.  I haven't felt sexy in forever.  I never thought I would not feel sexy.   Being sexy is as natural to most women as drinking water; it's just something women are born with.  I hate that I'm writing this.  I could confess how I went and got my hair highlighted to be more appealing to my boyfriend, that I'm working out more to make sure my body looks appealing, that I no longer feel "attractive" without my hair done and make up on, but it would all be pointless.  I never thought that I would not be sexy to my boyfriend.  It's really been eating away at me.  If I close my eyes really tight, will I wake up with my fairy godmother waving a wand, making it all magically better? 

I wish I lived in a fairy tale. 

I don't know when I became the type of woman to let a man determine her worth.  That is not who I want to be.  I know I should look myself in the mirror and realize that I am beautiful.  That I am special.  Maybe if I own my sex appeal, I can break the spell of being "undesirable."  Women need romance.  Women need candlelit dinners, roses, and walks on the beach.

Scratch that, I need candlelit dinners, roses, and walks on the beach under the stars.  I have never had a man prepare a romantic dinner for two, with wine and flowers.   I have never had a rose petal covered bed.  I want those things.  I used to scoff at cliche gestures, now I think they are endearing.  They are what keep the flames going in a relationship.  Without flames... you just have ash.

I don't know what's going on in my relationship.  Although some things are dead on, other comments just seem off.  Sometimes I feel as if he is saying "Oh no...that could be too serious...let me draw a line in the sand." For instance, the other day he was talking about how I would rearrange our house furniture non-stop...and then today he was talking about how if we went to Chile together we could do a program where you live with a family.  Why, at age 24 going on 25, would I want to live with a host family for 8 months when I could be having a romantic adventure with my boyfriend?  It left a bitter taste in my mouth.  I thought it was an adventure we would go on as a couple, not as individuals.  It's many little things like that.  When, if ever, does "he" and "I" become an honest, happy we?  I feel like I am plagued by the temporary "we."  Sometimes we talk about the future with such certainty, and then other times I feel as if it is an "every man for himself" type of situation.

If you don't want there to be a "we," or if you don't plan on there being a "we," just let me know.

 It's funny to me, because you've pinned me down as a woman--typical of her age group--dying to get married.  I don't want to be married.  I don't even know if I really believe in marriage.   The reason I don't believe in marriage is because I've never had someone be sure about me.  Without someone believing in me, how can I believe in happily ever after?  It really is funny.  One of my best friends said tonight that I never seem to take relationships seriously.  Yet, sometimes I really believe that you think I'm desperate.  Writing this, it hit me, even now, I don't think that you believe in me..in us.  In December, if someone would have asked me if you were "the one," I would have glowed--covered head to toe in love.

 Let me know so that I can plan my trip to South America without you being a factor.  Let me know so that I can  do all the selfish things I want to on a day to day basis, but don't because spending time with you should be more important. Let me know so that I don't buy a ticket going to visit your family when you don't even understand that taking the trip together, flying over together, is a significant moment for me.  Let me know so that I don't spend my time at your place, totally out of my element.  I've never had to live out of a suitcase, and I hate it.  He probably doesn't even know how much I hate packing up all my stuff to go over there.  How sometimes I would much rather just stay at home, where I feel comfortable, and watch all the cheesy reality-tv shows he despises.  That I could sleep in my bed that I love.  That I could not be up crying while you are sound asleep.  Or that I like to sit on the couch with my dog (whom I happen to love) after going to the gym after work.  That I could spend my nights over at my friends who I never really get to see, sometimes because I feel like being with you has to take priority. There are so many little things I give up all the time..which never really bothered me until I started seeing that you don't really seem to give those things up.  There can never be a "we" without "you."  But will you ever be ready?  Maybe after everything that's happened, I am the one who has pulled away.  Maybe you haven't even noticed.  Shouldn't you notice that I don't feel comfortable around you like I did? Maybe instead of being desperate, I'm afraid of falling for someone who isn't really here.

I wish I lived in a fairy tale. 

Worry is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it

    doesn't get you anywhere.

I'm spinning.

So I've been losing myself in books lately.  All sorts of books, latest reads:

1. Don't Sweat The Small Stuff: And It's All Small Stuff by Richard Carlson
2. Dear John by Nicholas Sparks
3. Don't Sweat The Small Stuff at Work by Richard Carlson
4. Jemima J by Jane Green
5. Eat, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation  by Lynne Truss


This is basically because my life is a little boring.  Boring in the sense that I'm swamped by boring books for school---who wants to read hundreds of pages on Assessment? I am more intrigued by books on punctuation and grammar.  I know this is sad...or maybe not so sad considering my profession, but it bothered me when I couldn't offhand define a predicate nominative.  In case you too forgot, the predicate nominative is the noun following a linking verb that restates or stands for the subject.


  I should be doing my SED 577 assignment, but I'm procrastinating.  Procrastination will be the end of me.  I'm going to see Alice in Wonderland with my family at 4pm.  I was tempted to bail out and stay home pseudo working, but instead I have opted for throwing on a baseball cap, sweats and a hoodie so I can finish this assignment.  


  I am going to teach a lesson on "Hamlet" next week at Chaparral--I have these fears about teaching that everyone will be going wild and I'll have no control.  Mrs. Anderson said it is one of my repressed anxieties coming out in my dreams (she is very into psychoanalysis and literary theory).  


  This week I am working from 7:15 AM-2 PM everyday and then going to class from 4 PM- 10:30 PM.  I am taking advice from Richard Carlson and not complaining or thinking how busy/tired I am going to be.  Nobody wants to hear it.  I figure this will give me a glimpse into the summer when I work everyday from 7-3 and then go to class from 4-10:30 PM.  I wanted to write how exhausted I am going to be...but I will not give in, I will master Carlson's not stressing techniques!!!!

We are a story unfolding.

As I started to picture the trees in the storm, the answer began to dawn on me. The trees in the storm don't try to stand up straight and tall and erect. They allow themselves to bend and be blown with the wind. They understand the power of letting go. Those trees and those branches that try too hard to stand up strong and straight are the ones that break. Now is not the time for you to be strong

--Julie Butterfly Hill

The other day you said to me, "God you're so tough." 

I've never felt more exposed in my life, trying to swipe the tears off my cheeks-- as if hiding the physical evidence would conceal me.  It was a flimsy attempt by an out of practice professional.  That moment between us feels a little blurry now, I vaguely remember you asking me why I felt that I had to be so strong all the time..and I responded, "Because I've had to be." 

This is new to me, this you and me thing.  Sometimes, in the heat of what can only be defined as bickering, I suck in air, waiting for the blow to come--waiting for you to tell me it's too much, i'm too much. I keep typing things and erasing them here.  Honestly, this is scary.   I know there is no way you could really know me, in and out, like I sometimes feel that you already do.  Perhaps I don't talk to you about my father or my sadness about my grandmother because these were events set in motion before you were here to hold my hand.  I fear that maybe if I get used to reaching for your hand in shaky moments, it may not always be there..life is funny that way. The idea of sharing these worries and struggles is foreign--I decided long ago that I had to toughen up.  

It happened on December 16th, 2006.  I had just finished studying for finals, fortunately I had/have never been good at keeping up on emails because my Dad wrote to me to tell me "Eventually being self-centered like your mother will not lead you to a life of happiness. and Happiness is the key to life.  I will no longer contact you."  I sat on the couch in my apartment, watching the shadows move across the wall as the day passed.  My fingers punched send into my cell phone--no one answered. Everyone had left school for winter break, and because bad news never has good timing, I spent the day struggling with how to pull it together.  I write "my fingers" because that day, everything was out of body.  I saw myself, but I couldn't help myself.  It was like I was crippled by hurt.  I was alone the entire day, with my thoughts, my sadness, my fear, I had no solutions.  I just remember crying, crying until I fell asleep--wishing to wake up to a bad dream.  I'm embarrassed writing it.  I always feel like I have to validate the 6 month depression I fell into, because i'm not a weak person, but I felt weak.  I felt helpless.   I think that's why I am always bracing myself for the impact your words could have on me--I don't want to feel helpless, unprepared again like I was that day.  Not to say that this "precautionary" emotional guard is only for you--it's for all possible upsets.  Fortunately, these days there isn't as much hurt to anticipate--my major reinforcement periods are around holidays...I used to open cards from my Dad, curl up on my bed and cry.  It was the moments I was most disappointed in myself and my inability to protect myself. 

Remember when we would talk about people using relationships as band-aids? I still believe that--that you have to be a whole person before you can be in a relationship; happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else.   What I'm coming to realize, but not fully accept, is that perhaps me being a "whole" person does not imply that I'm perfect or without "baggage." I have tried very hard to move into what you described as a "healthy" place with my relationship with my father.  I never dealt with it well, sometimes it meant not dealing with it all, and other times that meant becoming overwhelmed by it.   Now, I am at a point of acceptance--not would of, could of, should of..just is.  That's all I can do, and it's my best.  I stumble every so often, like when I went postal after deciding to send my father a Christmas card.  I hated that you didn't know where that was coming from.  I felt so frustrated, feeling possibly inadvertently judged--and I didn't mean to put you in that position, maybe some part of me wishes you could be that person for me innately.   Because however you may feel about my situation--being without him is best for me.  I write that without hesitation--I feel it with every fiber of my body. I need you to know this too for when I forget, slip and start to unravel.  I have spent my whole life being told I'm not good enough ( a 3rd grader should not feel that they have to have a work out regime)--and I no longer want to enable someone to make me feel like I'm not good enough.  I somehow needed you to be the omniscient person that tells me "It's not your fault."  The person who fights on my side, because at the end of the day you believe in me. You wouldn't know this, but despite your impressions that I'm cold or closed off to my father--it's quite the opposite, I've spent years wishing it was different, he was different, and that I was someone he wanted.  I mistakenly used to think his approval defined my value, I could not fathom what was so awful about me that I was not worth loving.  I became tired of playing the "victim" role, of feeling sorry for myself and my situation.  This is another reason I disdain talking about my Dad as much as it is a part of my day to day existence--because playing the victim is not the part I want to play in my life's stage.  The pain I feel embarrasses me.  

Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.
-- Ann Landers

The way I was brought up, something within me, feels that crying lets him win.  I can imagine this ideology is rooted in some pep talk my mother gave me about pre teen girls.  I applied it to my Dad--I did not want him to "live rent-free in my head."  Wishing things were different does not move me forward, it does not change the past, it just makes me discontent with now.   This is why when you asked me "If I would feel bad" I automatically inserted "if my dad and i never had a relationship" and the truth is--I will not, because I cannot.  I cannot continue to punish myself for something that happened to me as a bystander.  I intuitively feel that you would question my use of "bystander"--but in truth, my relationship with my dad was always something that happened to me, I was never able to be part of it.  It was never on my terms or about me.  I spent my childhood trying to make him "proud" of me--I always wanted to be athletic enough, pretty enough, smart enough--and I was never enough.  I have an "I'll show you attitude" because I want to be enough, even if it's just for me.  I know that you and I share a unique bond, an unspoken kinship, a knowing look that said "I get it," from very early on.  So when you speak, I listen.  I felt that something had been frayed when you spoke with such conviction about a past I had attempted to  protect so ardently from you--I am so distant from the girl I was back then, that having you see me fall apart was a collision of the past and the present I wrestle with submerging all the time. 

I've never lost "control" like I did with you when you were pushing me about my Dad.  I just never wanted you to be the one to disapprove of my choices that I've worked so hard to make peace with.  I am not, and more than likely will never, be at a place to calmly, and unemotionally, discuss "resolution" or "gestures" my Dad makes because there will always be a small girl within me who wants nothing more than for her dad to really love her.  I truly cringe reading things like that because it sounds, and to some extent is, hopelessly pathetic.  Spending your life thinking of "what could have been" is enough to kill you.  It's a weaker side of me, a detriment to the woman I want to be.  

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.

-- Anon

Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.
-- Gloria Naylor 

Part of me wishes you could inherently know all my weaknesses, sore spots, and silent struggles. It seems crazy, but I tried hard to leave the past in the past, particularly before starting to date you.  I wanted to enter into this, only as "me", not with the girl who feebly took so long to pick up the pieces of a broken life.  It partially seems stupid, trying to roll over sad moments. I know that realistically--it is part of life, crying is normal, etc, etc...but I guess I don't want you to see me as anything other than strong and capable, the two things I have worked so hard to be. 

Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.
-- August Wilson