Today has definitely been one of the worst days I've had in a long time, if not ever. You know that feeling that manifests in your chest, twists in your stomach, and then feels so awful and uncomfortable that it's going to come back up your throat? This feeling makes me feel like a stranger to myself.
How do you make amends with a parent?
I have never believed my mother to be someone who is emotional--in fact, she is the best at keeping her emotions inside. I fear that...i'm just like that? I just keep repeating the whole argument over in my head..and it's not like it was a conversation, it was like an execution. I feel about the size of my pinky nail.
These are the times I need to work on the four agreements..."Don't take anything personally" ---whenever someone is frustrated with me or around me I take it to heart. Perhaps a good New Year's Resolution.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
hm.
Confront your fears, list them, get to know them, and only then will you be able to put them aside and move ahead.
Too many of us are not living in our dreams because we are living in our fears
You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith.
The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety.
Fear is the highest fence
If a man harbors any sort of fear, it percolates through all thinking, damages his personality and makes him a landlord to a ghost.
Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real.
I have accepted fear as a part of life - specifically the fear of change.... I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back.
I wouldn't want you to ever think that what we have is unoriginal. That how I feel about you comes from a need to settle down because that's how people think these days between the gap of 23-25. That falling in love, getting married, and settling are what we are supposed to do. I never felt that way--in fact I always felt that there was this impending crash, because I didn't see that for myself. I pulled back from you, you said you felt it in the beginning, I did that because something in me innately knew that this would be big. Before I could be with you, I had to be able to be with myself. That meant ridding myself of the snakes, removing the overgrown brush--so I could see you. Maybe the memory of that mess keeps me from seeing clearly. Because, I'm here..and I just want to see you--without the flashes of the past obscuring you.
Too many of us are not living in our dreams because we are living in our fears
You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith.
The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety.
Fear is the highest fence
If a man harbors any sort of fear, it percolates through all thinking, damages his personality and makes him a landlord to a ghost.
Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real.
I have accepted fear as a part of life - specifically the fear of change.... I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back.
“Every man is afraid of something. That’s how you know he’s in love with you; when he is afraid of losing you.”
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it…. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
It has to make you laugh. I get what I want, handed to me by fate or whatever stroke of luck you want to call it--and it terrifies me. Not because I'm afraid of commitment, the future, love, or whatever else....but that I'm afraid no one, me, gets to be this happy. It's like I woke up and decided to self-destruct before it could be taken. Bracing myself before the rug gets pulled from under me, removing my shoe before the other one drops. I'm afraid this isn't mine to keep. How can I breathe easy when I'm afraid that each breath is closer to depleting the oxygen in the room?
I cringe because I've thought about all the snakes I've had in my life. Hiding in the grass I allowed to become overgrown. Why did I sit idly by? Letting myself not see what was in front of me. I'm so tainted by that feeling of being bitten by something I brought on myself. I was never capable of walking away from my Dad..but what it is about these other people that makes it so easy? Why can't I feel nothing like them. It takes so much for me to cut ties, but I see people do it so freely without a second thought. That's what makes me really afraid--that people are capable of such great deceit, that they can inflict so much hurt when overcome by selfishness. I'm afraid not of what I am capable of, but rather, what I am not capable of.
I sat in an ivory tower--looking down on heartbreaks..when now I've had a glimpse, a brief stab of what it could be like to lose the one thing you want to count on. People, relationships are not infallible. Perhaps I've been so afraid to lose myself in something, someone profound because in the back of my mind..i'm aware that it could be lost. I hate that I feel like I need to be okay without you. I don't want to be without you. That's my biggest fear. I'll self-destruct in a desperate attempt to be okay..without you.
I read something the other day in the Le Love blog..and it struck a chord with me, maybe it will with you too:
And my eyes shut just long enough for me to see you. I saw your hands, but not your face. I saw how you would feel, but not how you would look. Between their yells I heard you whisper something that made sense. Your hands, your voice, gave me back 23 years. The only settling we can speak of now is the way the sea has settled beneath me. The way the tips crashed and spun and now sleep calmly on their sea floor.
Settled. Not settling.
I wouldn't want you to ever think that what we have is unoriginal. That how I feel about you comes from a need to settle down because that's how people think these days between the gap of 23-25. That falling in love, getting married, and settling are what we are supposed to do. I never felt that way--in fact I always felt that there was this impending crash, because I didn't see that for myself. I pulled back from you, you said you felt it in the beginning, I did that because something in me innately knew that this would be big. Before I could be with you, I had to be able to be with myself. That meant ridding myself of the snakes, removing the overgrown brush--so I could see you. Maybe the memory of that mess keeps me from seeing clearly. Because, I'm here..and I just want to see you--without the flashes of the past obscuring you.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Quotes for thought.
Reason is powerless in the expression of Love.
Like a thief reason sneaked in and sat amongst the lovers eager to give them advice. They were unwilling to listen, so reason kissed their feet and went on its way.
You already have the precious mixture that will make you well. Use it.
In silence there is eloquence. Stop weaving and watch how the pattern improves.
Everyone has been made for some particular work, and the desire for that work has been put in every heart.
and a small hidden treasure..
Thursday, December 3, 2009
All the right moves.
It's as if all the past relationships, the heartbreaks, the crushes have been folded up in an envelope and tucked away in a hidden drawer. Sent out to sea. Gone, vanished.
Last night I tried as hard as I could to stifle it, close the jar tight, but his eyes make me want to be honest--as if I can't hide anything from them.. I cried, he sat there holding me just listening--he offered me solace, not false promises. There's something about him that makes me want to remove the wall. Perhaps it's because I don't there to be anything between us on either side. It's hard to remove a wall that is so apart of you, so etched within you that it feels natural, right.
You know, I'm so tired of the dead weight from my father. I'm tired of writing about it, caring about it, feeling it. I'm tired of reading it, remembering it. Why can't it just vanish too? I choke on what could have been, should have been. It's too large of a pill to simply swallow--I don't know how to try to..do this..any differently--how do I do this?
J said that I'm going to move on from this, that resolution will come. I cringe and rewind to December 16th. I think of a crushed spirit, months of depression, and years of inadequacy. Even worse, I feel such disappointment. With myself. I don't want to be this girl. I don't want to be someone who can't move on, move forward. That's not me. I want the feelings to be dead to me like he is. They say that the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. I'm waiting for it to come upon me, lay it to rest like sunset.
We finished talking on the phone tonight, it creeped its way into the conversation. People have always told me that I need to "deal with it"--I replied, "But what does that really mean." I've always felt that I do deal with it--all the time; here in this journal I write what I think..it's on my mind more than I would want other people to catch on to. He said something that shocked me, something so beautifully simple--
"Dealing with it means letting yourself feel whatever emotion it may be in that moment--if you're angry, be angry, if you're sad, be sad--but I want to do this with you, I want to be here for you."
I never thought that "dealing" with this would be letting myself be. I told him I always feel so disappointed with myself when I let my emotions get the best of me and I get upset. I dislike people who have pity parties for themselves--don't we all have something rumbling under the surface to feel sorry for ourselves about? Whether it's a shitty job, a break-up, homesickness, loneliness, lack of income, sickness, divorced parents--etc, etc. Sometimes I feel that if we let ourselves do that, we devalue all the good we have in our lives. Shouldn't we just be grateful for what we have, and move on from what we don't? Or rather..who we don't? Obviously how I am not "dealing" with it isn't making a big enough difference because I'm still carrying it around..maybe, if I don't make it something I'm not allowed or supposed to feel---I won't be aware of it as much. Just a thought..like I've always said, I'm a work in progress--moreso in some aspects than others.
Love is when you look into someone's eyes and go all the way inside;
to their soul and you both know.
You know, I'm so tired of the dead weight from my father. I'm tired of writing about it, caring about it, feeling it. I'm tired of reading it, remembering it. Why can't it just vanish too? I choke on what could have been, should have been. It's too large of a pill to simply swallow--I don't know how to try to..do this..any differently--how do I do this?
J said that I'm going to move on from this, that resolution will come. I cringe and rewind to December 16th. I think of a crushed spirit, months of depression, and years of inadequacy. Even worse, I feel such disappointment. With myself. I don't want to be this girl. I don't want to be someone who can't move on, move forward. That's not me. I want the feelings to be dead to me like he is. They say that the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. I'm waiting for it to come upon me, lay it to rest like sunset.
We finished talking on the phone tonight, it creeped its way into the conversation. People have always told me that I need to "deal with it"--I replied, "But what does that really mean." I've always felt that I do deal with it--all the time; here in this journal I write what I think..it's on my mind more than I would want other people to catch on to. He said something that shocked me, something so beautifully simple--
"Dealing with it means letting yourself feel whatever emotion it may be in that moment--if you're angry, be angry, if you're sad, be sad--but I want to do this with you, I want to be here for you."
I never thought that "dealing" with this would be letting myself be. I told him I always feel so disappointed with myself when I let my emotions get the best of me and I get upset. I dislike people who have pity parties for themselves--don't we all have something rumbling under the surface to feel sorry for ourselves about? Whether it's a shitty job, a break-up, homesickness, loneliness, lack of income, sickness, divorced parents--etc, etc. Sometimes I feel that if we let ourselves do that, we devalue all the good we have in our lives. Shouldn't we just be grateful for what we have, and move on from what we don't? Or rather..who we don't? Obviously how I am not "dealing" with it isn't making a big enough difference because I'm still carrying it around..maybe, if I don't make it something I'm not allowed or supposed to feel---I won't be aware of it as much. Just a thought..like I've always said, I'm a work in progress--moreso in some aspects than others.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies.
Know what's weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change,but pretty soon...everything's different.After I wrote this entry..just thinking about how things are changing--especially the people I am choosing to maintain close relationships with...I found this in my yearly horoscope...odd but reassuring..During the next couple of years it also looks like you will know whether these matters have reached a successful conclusion, or whether you need to cut your losses and move on.This energy is not a light-hearted one, however, it is important in clearing out outgrown situations and people in your life that are weighing you down. Symbolically, it can be seen as a bit of spring-cleaning period in your life where quality, not quantity in terms of the people in your life, will be important.There will be several periods of time when this energy is likely to become very challenging: the period from early November until early December 2009; and again from early January until mid February 2010 also looks like a time that will mean changing the way you relate to someone important in your life. These periods of time are likely to be quite intense, but will give you the chance to really think about what is important in terms of your life goals, career aspirations and, for some of you, the chance to change the way you relate or see one of your parents. This is likely to be a dynamic time when major cross-roads will be reached, enabling you to leave the past behind you and to move forwards on a new path that is free of people and situations holding you back. To achieve this though, you will need to deal with the people and situations that have a hold on you and to let go of outworn associationsPerhaps another good way of using the energy around you from this time onwards will be to research your options for a fabulous new start coming to you early in 2011… this may be plans for a new business idea, long-distance travel, teaching or learning, or perhaps a major move. Whatever it is that you are thinking about, the coming year is an excellent one to lay the groundwork for this positive new start coming for you in 2011.It's time. It's definitely time.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
In the mirror.
We are at our very best, and we are happiest, when we are fully engaged in work we enjoy on the journey toward the goal we've established for ourselves. It gives meaning to our time off and comfort to our sleep. It makes everything else in life so wonderful, so worthwhile.
Do more than is required. What is the distance between someone who achieves their goals consistently and those who spend their lives and careers merely following? The extra mile.
Do more than is required. What is the distance between someone who achieves their goals consistently and those who spend their lives and careers merely following? The extra mile.
BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, and regret.
I think it is easy to forget...we can only do our best. I struggle on a daily basis with the ramifications of other people's choices. I need to learn I can only control myself--doing my best, saying what I mean, and being true to who I am. I know who I am--and I like who I am--I can only wish that for other people when they look in the mirror. Are you at your best?
I think it is easy to forget...we can only do our best. I struggle on a daily basis with the ramifications of other people's choices. I need to learn I can only control myself--doing my best, saying what I mean, and being true to who I am. I know who I am--and I like who I am--I can only wish that for other people when they look in the mirror. Are you at your best?
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Is it too early to be thinking about next January?
I find myself perpetually thinking about "What's next."
This has been a theme throughout my life, you can trace back through the journal entries..I'm very rarely completely complacent in the moment--my sights are always on the ever looming horizon..the next challenge, the next adventure.
On Friday I went out to dinner with my family to this amazing mexican restaurant called X-tapa Joe's..over a delicious enchilada casserole, we talked about Department of Defense schools abroad--a great possible adventure and logical application for my completed Master's degree next December. I'm currently being drawn to Costa Rica and Italy. Of course I would love to go back to Spain, but I feel like I need a new challenge..I can't help but think this would be the time to go and teach abroad because I have no real responsibilities (mortgage, children, cough cough).
I've been thinking lately that some things are laid out so neatly that it must be fate. A series of coincidences that lead to one big culmination of what's meant to be.
Top Coincidences
I'm really excited about the possibility of going abroad again..and I'm really happy that I'm with someone who shares my ambitions. I never thought I would be dating another person who wanted to teach English...it sounds strange--but literature and writing have been so important in my life..and it's exciting to start this new chapter with someone who shares my passion for so many things.
J has really been a blessing..I've never known this level of contentment and happiness. Not only does he like me for who I am, with him I see who I could become. He brings out the best in me and makes me want to be the best version of myself I can. I don't want to waste our time together worrying or stressing, I just want to be with him...and that in itself is a wonderful gift. .
The saying "too good to be true" flitters into my mind every now again, our life together so far has been so full of fun adventures..it's completely picturesque. I think that is the part that scares both of us, where is the drama, the problems, the miscommunications? What other couple believes a sunset was just for them? Or who when they get lost see shooting stars? There is no one else I would rather share a godzilla size hot dog at Sun's game, lose to in tennis, laugh with over morning coffee, cuddle with throughout the night, dream of while I sleep, and wake up entangled with in the rays of morning light. Oh..and wash dogs with in a dress.
We haven't said "I love you" --three words that carry more significance with him than ever before. I don't think I've ever really been in love before...this relationship overshadows all others before it...makes them seem like superficial versions of emotional intimacy. Whatever this may be between J and I has made me really, genuinely, blissfully happy.
This has been a theme throughout my life, you can trace back through the journal entries..I'm very rarely completely complacent in the moment--my sights are always on the ever looming horizon..the next challenge, the next adventure.
On Friday I went out to dinner with my family to this amazing mexican restaurant called X-tapa Joe's..over a delicious enchilada casserole, we talked about Department of Defense schools abroad--a great possible adventure and logical application for my completed Master's degree next December. I'm currently being drawn to Costa Rica and Italy. Of course I would love to go back to Spain, but I feel like I need a new challenge..I can't help but think this would be the time to go and teach abroad because I have no real responsibilities (mortgage, children, cough cough).
I've been thinking lately that some things are laid out so neatly that it must be fate. A series of coincidences that lead to one big culmination of what's meant to be.
“When it comes to the future, there are three kinds of people: those who let it happen, those who make it happen, and those who wonder what happened.”
Top Coincidences
- I came back from Spain and decided to teach instead of doing law or journalism.
- I decided not to got to USC in favor of U of A which turned out to be me randomly going to ASU
- I lost my job teaching Spanish the same day I found out I was accepted into graduate school
- I decided not to go to Chile to teach English in lieu of going to grad school
- Jason came to ASU by a series of similar events
- Kristin & her boyfriend had just come back from Costa Rica during homecoming...which I had no desire to go to.
- My mom's friend was in town and told me to look at teaching abroad in American schools this week at dinner.
- My brother taught in Colombia which lead me to pursue this random career path
- Kenny is living abroad in Australia..completely randomly (so brazen..he went without a job)
- I can teach in any country with my Master's degree.
- Costa Rican schools start in January and end in December...I oddly graduate in December and would be available to start in January :)
I'm really excited about the possibility of going abroad again..and I'm really happy that I'm with someone who shares my ambitions. I never thought I would be dating another person who wanted to teach English...it sounds strange--but literature and writing have been so important in my life..and it's exciting to start this new chapter with someone who shares my passion for so many things.
J has really been a blessing..I've never known this level of contentment and happiness. Not only does he like me for who I am, with him I see who I could become. He brings out the best in me and makes me want to be the best version of myself I can. I don't want to waste our time together worrying or stressing, I just want to be with him...and that in itself is a wonderful gift. .
The saying "too good to be true" flitters into my mind every now again, our life together so far has been so full of fun adventures..it's completely picturesque. I think that is the part that scares both of us, where is the drama, the problems, the miscommunications? What other couple believes a sunset was just for them? Or who when they get lost see shooting stars? There is no one else I would rather share a godzilla size hot dog at Sun's game, lose to in tennis, laugh with over morning coffee, cuddle with throughout the night, dream of while I sleep, and wake up entangled with in the rays of morning light. Oh..and wash dogs with in a dress.
We haven't said "I love you" --three words that carry more significance with him than ever before. I don't think I've ever really been in love before...this relationship overshadows all others before it...makes them seem like superficial versions of emotional intimacy. Whatever this may be between J and I has made me really, genuinely, blissfully happy.
Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.
- Captain Corelli's Mandolin. "Love is the beauty of the soul."
- Captain Corelli's Mandolin. "Love is the beauty of the soul."
Monday, October 12, 2009
Quick life update at 12:30 :)
I swear I've started so many entries and then just left mid sentence, things have honestly been pretty busy. It's kind of surreal--I feel like I'm a juggling act in the circus, except I'm not nearly as exciting or talented as real performers..I'm just skating by..but that's okay for now.
I'm currently wrestling between catching up on my reading for Educational Psychology, or giving in to sleep from my dating-induced insomnia.
It's just different. I wonder to myself, is it because I'm older, more mature, more comfortable in my skin? Or is it him, us, and chemistry? I laid curled up with him this morning, wanting to stay in bed just a little bit longer....Bella was even curled up with us. I know, I'm lucky. Another thing I know, is that there is nothing better than pizza at 4 am, the discovery of red wine I actually like, finding out although I'm not an Asian Martha Stewart..he'll still eat it (and more than likely pretend to like it), and that laughing about 'stupid fool' has yet to get old.
I secretly love/hate that this entire entry is turning into a dating recap, but you should know--I went over to his house on Friday after what could only be classified as the longest day of my week (Up at 5:20, out the door *ideally* at 6:50, student teaching until 12:30, then work from 1-6:30). I stopped at the grocery store to pick up Pinot Noir & Yakisoba (odd combination..but, delectable + delicious) and when I got to his house he had a single pink rose waiting for me. He had been working all day and still found the time to get it for me...it was one of the single most thoughtful things a guy has ever done for me, and it definitely made me melt. Inexplicable contentment.
It can only be bettered by the fact that Wednesday before class, I stopped by his house and we laid entangled in each other for an hour before peeling apart so he could make us to-go mugs of coffee at 4 pm. Did I mention he played the guitar by me, lulling me into what could only be described as complete relaxation..?
Okay finally--I have to tell you, I wanted to drown myself in the sea of flour that surrounded me at yet another baking extravaganza at work. I wanted to the kids to decorate 'halloween' themed sugar cookies with the younger kids. Unfortunately, I hadn't actually thought about how much sugar cookie dough it would take...or that I would be doing the cookies from scratch and cutting out each one..over 60...and ineffectively struggling to use a rolling pin. I'm no Martha Stewart..but I somehow always manage to forget. Spending 3 hours in the kitchen prepping was worth it when their smiling mouths were stained black from the frosting dye--and being kids, they were too elated to even worry about it. I love that about kids....the small stuff stays small...SOMETIMES.
Sweet dreams.
I'm currently wrestling between catching up on my reading for Educational Psychology, or giving in to sleep from my dating-induced insomnia.
It's just different. I wonder to myself, is it because I'm older, more mature, more comfortable in my skin? Or is it him, us, and chemistry? I laid curled up with him this morning, wanting to stay in bed just a little bit longer....Bella was even curled up with us. I know, I'm lucky. Another thing I know, is that there is nothing better than pizza at 4 am, the discovery of red wine I actually like, finding out although I'm not an Asian Martha Stewart..he'll still eat it (and more than likely pretend to like it), and that laughing about 'stupid fool' has yet to get old.
I secretly love/hate that this entire entry is turning into a dating recap, but you should know--I went over to his house on Friday after what could only be classified as the longest day of my week (Up at 5:20, out the door *ideally* at 6:50, student teaching until 12:30, then work from 1-6:30). I stopped at the grocery store to pick up Pinot Noir & Yakisoba (odd combination..but, delectable + delicious) and when I got to his house he had a single pink rose waiting for me. He had been working all day and still found the time to get it for me...it was one of the single most thoughtful things a guy has ever done for me, and it definitely made me melt. Inexplicable contentment.
It can only be bettered by the fact that Wednesday before class, I stopped by his house and we laid entangled in each other for an hour before peeling apart so he could make us to-go mugs of coffee at 4 pm. Did I mention he played the guitar by me, lulling me into what could only be described as complete relaxation..?
In conclusion, I get to see Piglet tomorrow morning for coffee/breakfast before she heads back to snowy Colorado. I am so excited for her and the recent leaps & bounds regarding the progression of her relationship, she really deserves it. I think, nothing can be 100% perfect...but it's what we do with the tribulations--she's stuck it out, braved some difficult decisions, blossomed with independence, and really become an incredible woman. I think at the end of the day, that love, their love is worth it all. So proud of her, if you couldn't tell.
On the other end of the spectrum--another independent woman in my life had just purchased her first beautiful car...and got rear ended before she even had the plates on her new car. Devastating. I was only relieved that she was okay, and that she was in a car that kept her safe. Why does stuff like that happen?
It comes back to a terrible nightmare I had last night. I was in Northern California at Goat Rock Beach, driving on a frightening, winding, road. Everyone was driving so fast, and there was no way for me to turn around, no outs, before I knew it--Allison, who was in the passenger seat, and I were airborne off the jagged cliff into the tumultuous dark gray waves...meters from the shore. I turned to her and told her we had to get out, as the water poured in the windows and the car started getting sucked under. She just stared at me, not moving. The whole dream..ugh, it terrified me. What does it mean?
Oddly enough, my monthly horoscope just said, "pay attention to your dreams on 10, 11, and 12th--They could clue you in to what the problem really is."
So what does it mean?
Okay finally--I have to tell you, I wanted to drown myself in the sea of flour that surrounded me at yet another baking extravaganza at work. I wanted to the kids to decorate 'halloween' themed sugar cookies with the younger kids. Unfortunately, I hadn't actually thought about how much sugar cookie dough it would take...or that I would be doing the cookies from scratch and cutting out each one..over 60...and ineffectively struggling to use a rolling pin. I'm no Martha Stewart..but I somehow always manage to forget. Spending 3 hours in the kitchen prepping was worth it when their smiling mouths were stained black from the frosting dye--and being kids, they were too elated to even worry about it. I love that about kids....the small stuff stays small...SOMETIMES.
Sweet dreams.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Smitten :)
So, just when I had figured there wasn't any light at the end of the dating tunnel--I met someone who I think is just...gush worthy.
Last night it was strange not to have the typical pre-date jitters...but I was just excited to see him. He's confident, smart, witty, interesting, and funny.
We've been like two satellites since Day 1. But after several weeks of entertaining late night talks, school-girl crush moments, and looks that say everything and nothing...we went out and had a great not so "first" first date.
Chemistry.
I think it dawned on me that this could be something really incredible when Bella, my demonic counterpart, expressed her crush on him as well. She was absolutely obsessed with him last night. Unreal.
And yes..his kisses make my knees go weak.
Here's to emotional chemistry translating to physical chemistry.
Last night it was strange not to have the typical pre-date jitters...but I was just excited to see him. He's confident, smart, witty, interesting, and funny.
We've been like two satellites since Day 1. But after several weeks of entertaining late night talks, school-girl crush moments, and looks that say everything and nothing...we went out and had a great not so "first" first date.
Chemistry.
I think it dawned on me that this could be something really incredible when Bella, my demonic counterpart, expressed her crush on him as well. She was absolutely obsessed with him last night. Unreal.
And yes..his kisses make my knees go weak.
Here's to emotional chemistry translating to physical chemistry.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
8pm chats of the Golden Girls
C
I want to paint my nails and style my hair before I go to bed
7:42pmJ
my hair is still freshly styled
7:42pmC
lol sorry that was random
but I figured tomorrow morning I won't want to shower super early.
Lucky!
lol
that made me laugh for some reason, freshly styled.
7:42pmJ
haha I know for some reason when the salon does it, it lasts much better the next day
hahaah
7:43pmC
totally!
why is that?
same products.
7:43pmJ
who knows..
7:43pmC
same process.
7:43pmJ
btw
7:43pmCourtney
magical results.
7:43pmJ
I bougth Kerastase
wait I told you that
and now I feel guilty
I told Bryan about it and I also told him he couldn't use it
then he said if you're using the nice stuff, I'm using your nice stuff
wish you were commminnnngggg
7:45pmC
LOL OMG
you told him he couldn't use it?
7:46pmJ
yes after I was scared to tel him how much I spent on shampoo...i told him he wasn't allowed to use it hahaha
but there is a hair thinning one, that is supposed to provide the best environment for hair growth
and I might by that for Bry
he doesn't have the thickest head of hair, but it's sooo expensive
7:46pmC
I know i wish i was toooooooo!
hahaha you asshole.
I adore you.
7:46pmJ
hahahahaha
7:46pmC
and your inadvertent a-hole moments
7:46pmJ
I then told him I'd buy him the nicer stuff
hahahahha
7:47pmC
you're like.."you might need this expensive super power shampoo b/c you're balding..loser."
7:47pmJ
GHAGAHGAGGA
I really did laugh out loud...
7:47pmC
7:47pmJ
hahahaha
aww
ps I just saw your golden girl post
should we be happy or sad?
7:48pmC
priceless!
lol i'm not sure? i'm assuming happy?
well, depending on who you ask lol
7:48pmJ
I just hid from Dolly and she tricked me and went the other way!
true..
we're still hot
7:49pmC
jaaaaaaamie
7:49pmJ
si?
my dog out tricked me
hahahah
7:49pmC
I'm concernicus
you're playing hide and seek with dolly?
7:50pmJ
hahaha yes we play hide and seek
it's quite amusing
you don't play games with Bella?
she'd be like hide from me? I'll teach you....
poop.
7:52pmC
um..bella and i perform duets
and she scared herself farting again
7:53pmJ
haha I can only imagine
7:53pmC
it's hilarious and sad
7:53pmJ
hahahahaha
7:53pmC
she's a freak.ps
if dogs look like their owners??
are we SOL?
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