Is it too early to be thinking about next January?

I find myself perpetually thinking about "What's next."

This has been a theme throughout my life, you can trace back through the journal entries..I'm very rarely completely complacent in the moment--my sights are always on the ever looming horizon..the next challenge, the next adventure.

On Friday I went out to dinner with my family to this amazing mexican restaurant called X-tapa Joe's..over a delicious enchilada casserole, we talked about Department of Defense schools abroad--a great possible adventure and logical application for my completed Master's degree next December.  I'm currently being drawn to Costa Rica and Italy.  Of course I would love to go back to Spain, but I feel like I need a new challenge..I can't help but think this would be the time to go and teach abroad because I have no real responsibilities (mortgage, children, cough cough).

I've been thinking lately that some things are laid out so neatly that it must be fate.  A series of coincidences that lead to one big culmination of what's meant to be.

“When it comes to the future, there are three kinds of people: those who let it happen, those who make it happen, and those who wonder what happened.”

Top Coincidences

1. I came back from Spain and decided to teach instead of doing law or journalism.
2. I decided not to got to USC in favor of U of A which turned out to be me randomly going to ASU 
3. I lost my job teaching Spanish the same day I found out I was accepted into graduate school
4. I decided not to go to Chile to teach English in lieu of going to grad school
5. Jason came to ASU by a series of similar events
6. Kristin & her boyfriend had just come back from Costa Rica during homecoming...which I had no desire to go to. 
7. My mom's friend was in town and told me to look at teaching abroad in American schools this week at dinner. 
8. My brother taught in Colombia which lead me to pursue this random career path
9. Kenny is living abroad in Australia..completely randomly (so brazen..he went without a job)
10. I can teach in any country with my Master's degree. 
11. Costa Rican schools start in January and end in December...I oddly graduate in December and would be available to start in January :)

I'm really excited about the possibility of going abroad again..and I'm really happy that I'm with someone who shares my ambitions.  I never thought I would be dating another person who wanted to teach English...it sounds strange--but literature and writing have been so important in my life..and it's exciting to start this new chapter with someone who shares my passion for so many things.

J has really been a blessing..I've never known this level of contentment and happiness.  Not only does he like me for who I am, with him I see who I could become.  He brings out the best in me and makes me want to be the best version of myself I can.  I don't want to waste our time together worrying or stressing, I just want to be with him...and that in itself is a wonderful gift.  .

The saying "too good to be true" flitters into my mind every now again, our life together so far has been so full of fun adventures..it's completely picturesque.  I think that is the part that scares both of us, where is the drama, the problems, the miscommunications? What other couple believes a sunset was just for them? Or who when they get lost see shooting stars? There is no one else I would rather share a godzilla size hot dog at Sun's game, lose to in tennis, laugh with over morning coffee, cuddle with throughout the night, dream of while I sleep, and wake up entangled with in the rays of morning light.  Oh..and wash dogs with in a dress.

We haven't said "I love you" --three words that carry more significance with him than ever before.  I don't think I've ever really been in love before...this relationship overshadows all others before it...makes them seem like superficial versions of emotional intimacy.  Whatever this may be between J and I has made me really, genuinely, blissfully happy.

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

- Captain Corelli's Mandolin. "Love is the beauty of the soul."

Quick life update at 12:30 :)

I swear I've started so many entries and then just left mid sentence, things have honestly been pretty busy.  It's kind of surreal--I feel like I'm a juggling act in the circus, except I'm not nearly as exciting or talented as real performers..I'm just skating by..but that's okay for now.

I'm currently wrestling between catching up on my reading for Educational Psychology, or giving in to sleep from my dating-induced insomnia.

It's just different.  I wonder to myself, is it because I'm older, more mature, more comfortable in my skin? Or is it him, us, and chemistry? I laid curled up with him this morning, wanting to stay in bed just a little bit longer....Bella was even curled up with us.  I know, I'm lucky. Another thing I know, is that there is nothing better than pizza at 4 am, the discovery of red wine I actually like, finding out although I'm not an Asian Martha Stewart..he'll still eat it (and more than likely pretend to like it), and that laughing about 'stupid fool' has yet to get old.

I secretly love/hate that this entire entry is turning into a dating recap, but you should know--I went over to his house on Friday after what could only be classified as the longest day of my week (Up at 5:20, out the door *ideally* at 6:50, student teaching until 12:30, then work from 1-6:30).  I stopped at the grocery store to pick up Pinot Noir & Yakisoba (odd combination..but, delectable + delicious) and when I got to his house he had a single pink rose waiting for me.  He had been working all day and still found the time to get it for me...it was one of the single most thoughtful things a guy has ever done for me, and it definitely made me melt.  Inexplicable contentment.

It can only be bettered by the fact that Wednesday before class, I stopped by his house and we laid entangled in each other for an hour before peeling apart so he could make us to-go mugs of coffee at 4 pm.  Did I mention he played the guitar by me, lulling me into what could only be described as complete relaxation..?

In conclusion, I get to see Piglet tomorrow morning for coffee/breakfast before she heads back to snowy Colorado.   I am so excited for her and the recent leaps & bounds regarding the progression of her relationship, she really deserves it.  I think, nothing can be 100% perfect...but it's what we do with the tribulations--she's stuck it out, braved some difficult decisions, blossomed with independence, and really become an incredible woman.  I think at the end of the day, that love, their love is worth it all.  So proud of her, if you couldn't tell.

On the other end of the spectrum--another independent woman in my life had just purchased her first beautiful car...and got rear ended before she even had the plates on her new car.   Devastating.  I was only relieved that she was okay, and that she was in a car that kept her safe.  Why does stuff like that happen?

It comes back to a terrible nightmare I had last night.  I was in Northern California at Goat Rock Beach, driving on a frightening, winding, road.  Everyone was driving so fast,  and there was no way for me to turn around, no outs, before I knew it--Allison, who was in the passenger seat, and I were airborne off the jagged cliff into the tumultuous dark gray waves...meters from the shore.  I turned to her and told her we had to get out, as the water poured in the windows and the car started getting sucked under.  She just stared at me, not moving.  The whole dream..ugh, it terrified me.  What does it mean?

Oddly enough, my monthly horoscope just said, "pay attention to your dreams on 10, 11, and 12th--They could clue you in to what the problem really is."

So what does it mean?

Okay finally--I have to tell you, I wanted to drown myself in the sea of flour that surrounded me at yet another baking extravaganza at work.  I wanted to the kids to decorate 'halloween' themed sugar cookies with the younger kids.  Unfortunately, I hadn't actually thought about how much sugar cookie dough it would take...or that I would be doing the cookies from scratch and cutting out each one..over 60...and ineffectively struggling to use a rolling pin.  I'm no Martha Stewart..but I somehow always manage to forget.  Spending 3 hours in the kitchen prepping was worth it when their smiling mouths were stained black from the frosting dye--and being kids, they were too elated to even worry about it.  I love that about kids....the small stuff stays small...SOMETIMES.


Sweet dreams.

Smitten :)

So, just when I had figured there wasn't any light at the end of the dating tunnel--I met someone who I think is just...gush worthy.

Last night it was strange not to have the typical pre-date jitters...but I was just excited to see him.  He's confident, smart, witty, interesting, and funny.

We've been like two satellites since Day 1.  But after several weeks of entertaining late night talks, school-girl crush moments, and looks that say everything and nothing...we went out and had a great not so "first" first date.

Chemistry.

I think it dawned on me that this could be something really incredible when Bella, my demonic counterpart, expressed her crush on him as well.  She was absolutely obsessed with him last night.  Unreal.


And yes..his kisses make my knees go weak.

Here's to emotional chemistry translating to physical chemistry.

8pm chats of the Golden Girls

C

I want to paint my nails and style my hair before I go to bed

7:42pmJ

my hair is still freshly styled

7:42pmC

lol sorry that was random

but I figured tomorrow morning I won't want to shower super early.

Lucky!

lol

that made me laugh for some reason, freshly styled.

7:42pmJ

haha I know for some reason when the salon does it, it lasts much better the next day

hahaah

7:43pmC

totally!

why is that?

same products.

7:43pmJ

who knows..

7:43pmC

same process.

7:43pmJ

btw

7:43pmCourtney

magical results.

7:43pmJ

I bougth Kerastase

wait I told you that

and now I feel guilty

I told Bryan about it and I also told him he couldn't use it

then he said if you're using the nice stuff, I'm using your nice stuff

wish you were commminnnngggg

7:45pmC

LOL OMG

you told him he couldn't use it?

7:46pmJ

yes after I was scared to tel him how much I spent on shampoo...i told him he wasn't allowed to use it hahaha

but there is a hair thinning one, that is supposed to provide the best environment for hair growth

and I might by that for Bry

he doesn't have the thickest head of hair, but it's sooo expensive

7:46pmC

I know i wish i was toooooooo!

hahaha you asshole.

I adore you.

7:46pmJ

hahahahaha

7:46pmC

and your inadvertent a-hole moments

7:46pmJ

I then told him I'd buy him the nicer stuff

hahahahha

7:47pmC

you're like.."you might need this expensive super power shampoo b/c you're balding..loser."

7:47pmJ

GHAGAHGAGGA

I really did laugh out loud...

7:47pmC

7:47pmJ

hahahaha

aww

ps I just saw your golden girl post

should we be happy or sad?

7:48pmC

priceless!

lol i'm not sure? i'm assuming happy?

well, depending on who you ask lol

7:48pmJ

I just hid from Dolly and she tricked me and went the other way!

true..

we're still hot

7:49pmC

jaaaaaaamie

7:49pmJ

si?

my dog out tricked me

hahahah

7:49pmC

I'm concernicus

you're playing hide and seek with dolly?

7:50pmJ

hahaha yes we play hide and seek

it's quite amusing

you don't play games with Bella?

she'd be like hide from me? I'll teach you....

poop.

7:52pmC

um..bella and i perform duets

and she scared herself farting again

7:53pmJ

haha I can only imagine

7:53pmC

it's hilarious and sad

7:53pmJ

hahahahaha

7:53pmC

she's a freak.ps

if dogs look like their owners??

are we SOL?

Holy. Hangover. Batman.

I feel like sh*t.

I have made a conscious effort not to drink for the past 2 months--now I remember why.  In addition to fitness purposes for the marathon, it's because the next day..... I feel asinine.

However, I did not go out with the intentions of getting hammered.  No, no, no.  I got ready, prepared myself for some fair peer pressure from Amy (the only person who could have possibly convinced me it'd be a good idea to drink) and met up with the girls after the U of A game last night.

I knew I was in for an experience when their text messages became more random and misspelt.  Why is it so hard to properly text when you're under the influence? Anyway--the drunkards were in full, hilarious, force.  Standing in Erin's bathroom (who becomes instantly secretive when she's intoxicated..EVERYTHING is told as if it were an undercover mission proposal) I realized that if I opted out of partaking in the debauchery..I would kill myself.  I would sooner die than be the sober one with people who are level 9 party mode.  And come on, Amy was only in town for the weekend and I won't get into shenanigans with her until homecoming the first weekend of November.  Thus..my will power bent and my decision to drink was celebrated with a my famous mini-baby shot (half juice/half alcohol).

It got me thinking what a party girl I used to be.  Now Jamie and I joke that we are the golden girls.

This is actually a good picture image of how I feel sitting at my desk in my glasses...

Sh*t.

Anyway, the night was pretty epic in and of itself.  I got quite the compliment from the pizza delivery man as I inquired how his night was going he responded, "great now that I got to look at you!"

That's one approach to getting tips--what a sweet delivery man.  Later on, as I sat in the cab a little buzzed and contemplating life..it occurred to me that being a cab driver must be the crappiest job ever--mostly impart because of people like me..I'm chatty, overly polite, and kind of nosy.  However, E-baby's drunkenboyofthenite took it a step further--he commandeered control over the radio and blared it.

Once we finally got to Loco after a drunken debate about how to get there, we realized that Ebaby left her driver's license at home.  At that point she was voted the least favorite person in the cab, however we entertained ourselves successfully and pushed our boundaries with the bouncer by fraternizing with people on the "inside" through the gate...meanwhile, Sopko took a cat nap on the bench next to drunkenboyofthenite.

After a couple shots, we thought it'd be a good idea to reunite with some of our UA comrades at the midget bar Gilligans.  Apparently, that is the place for all the alumni to hang out together.  I felt compelled to confess my guilt about drinking to everyone...but we were so happy to see our spring break  partners in crime

"Diet Sprite.  It's party time!"

The quote comes from our cruise through the Mexican riviera.  We snuck in vodka successfully via emptied listerine bottles, garnier fructis/tresemme shampoo bottles.

 Frankly, it was straight up ghetto and nasty.  Shampoo shots.  In our defense, we were one of the only duos to get away with alcohol on the ship.  Anyway, I was obsessed with diet sprite.  To the point, the bartenders nicknamed me "diet sprite"--and everywhere we went we chanted, "diet sprite, it's party time!" 

The lowest point of the trip is a tie between 2 awkward events--1, where I fell into a baby stroller in the hallway and didn't mind it, 2, when I straight up attacked the hanging towel monkey in the room left daily by the cleaning crew.  Literally, went karate kid on it.

Alright, I really can't put off studying anymore.  I've organized my desk..my room...made coffee..and am current procrastinating by making a 'homework' playlist.  Epic fail.

Hope you had a great weekend!

Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.

There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature.

A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, 

done with. 

 I did something I never thought I would do.  I can't think fully about my actions, or I'll start to shake my foot with nervous tension, bite my lip in anxiety, close my eyes in possible regret.

Have you ever wished you could will something away? Lock it away in your heart, keep it shrouded in darkness, cloaked by a smile? I wish that all the time.  I wish that, more than anything, regarding my Dad.  I cried today in the car on the way to work today, each tear fell with a sense of defeat.

    I've had this idea, ever since I was a little girl, that I need to be strong.  Super humanly strong.  I just kept telling Jamie, "I'm just so tired." I'm tired of this pain.  It's exhausting.  It's depleting me--this art of mastering nonchalance when talking about my dad, reinforcing the wall that keeps me extra protected on days like father's day and today..my dad's birthday.  I think I've had to be super humanly strong my entire life..until now.   The truth comes out in your moments of silence.  When no eyes are watching you to see how you react, when no voices can be heard besides your own. I was two completely different people today.  I was the girl in the car, crying--crying for all that has happened, for all that could have been..for all that should have been...and for everything I'm not.  I wish I really was super humanly strong.  I'm not, all the time.
    Then, I pulled who we call "Susie" out of my reserves.   We came up with "Susie" my Junior year of college.  I think everyone has their own version of Susie--that fake smile and response to prevent any further prodding of an open wound.  To placate those that ask "how are you?!" without really needing to know the answer.  Honestly, I hate Susie.  But, even more, I detest being sad in front of strangers or acquaintances.
  

   I just wish I could wave a magic wand and make this situation all better.

   So, this is all rooted in something completely frivolous and silly.  Remember when I went to that random Psychic Expo in Sedona? Well, this psychic tapped into the problems with my father immediately.  She told me that I will never have a good relationship until I have some resolution from the one with my father.  My first reaction was frustration--since I have really tried to keep the problems with my father separate from my everyday life.  Attempting to file him away for a later date like old assignments.   But as Jamie pointed out, I pick the worst people to date.  I scrunched up my nose, reflecting back on what I call "fixer uppers"--I pull away from those who seem to be too good to be true, and opt for those that stay a safe distance.   I don't think I've wanted any man to be closer than an arm's length away--but I'm ready for something..someone worthwhile now.   Considering she was right about that...she then tapped into something more poignant..she said I appear very happy on the outside but I'm actually quite dark inside.  So much for Susie.  She then ripped into my wall some more, stating "this will be the hardest thing to overcome in your life..but at some point..you will be able to see good in your father.  I want you to send him a card for his birthday.  This will help you move forward."
 
   It's been strange how things have been culminating to this moment.   I'd like to think it all started with a movie suggestion by J--Life As A House.  Before that movie, I couldn't tell you when I had been emotional about my relationship with my Dad.  But that night, I didn't think I would be able to pick up the pieces; the tears wouldn't stop, nor would the memories.  It was seeing what unconditional love meant, something my Dad never showed me. I then vowed never to watch it again and dropped it in the trash.
   Next was when my friend K asked me about my Dad--but not just that, but about him the past tense.  This was the day that I started thinking of emotions as hailstones--you don't see them coming but before you know it they are falling all around you. I always go back to a quote from P.S. I Love You,
Kathy Bates states, "Oh because it's so much easier to deal with when the person you love leaves by choice is it?" --but just like grief, other types of losses need to be let go..moved on from...
     Normally I don't open up to people I'm not really close with about my Dad--but I'm really happy that I did.  K and J are both really intelligent people, you get a sense of intuition and experience from them.  They both gave me different advice from different points of view, but it struck me when J commented that it didn't seem like I had forgiven my father.  I really thought about it, at first believing I had done that awhile ago...but even in my mind I started getting defensive against myself.."why should I forgive something like that?" Sometimes, I think we confuse acceptance with forgiveness.  I've never met anyone who has experienced something similar until J, it's a breath of fresh air to know the other side exists.
   So, after talking it out--I came home, went online, and did a simple act.  I sent my Dad a birthday e-card.  I did so without any expectations of a response.  I did so as the bigger person--not as a hypocrite, not to open pandora's box..but to be true to myself.  Amy said it..he will never not to be my father.  It's funny too, this brown hair.  I looked in the mirror this morning and I thought for a moment, "I look so much like my Dad," before I caught myself.  I can't change what is.  I can't wish it to be different, will it to go away.  The past with my Dad is a scar..an experience that is healing...it will always be with me, but that doesn't mean it has to apart of my everyday life anymore...and maybe just like that awful scar on my leg, it will fade away and change into something less noticeable.  Just maybe.


Dulces Suenos.

Thanks for always listening..love you guys.

Too much of a good thing.

This is not my entry for the night..because I have an epic one coming, I can feel it--no, rather, this is a reminder to myself...that statement is true..sometimes you can have too much of a good thing.

I think I might vomit.  I drank about a gallon of Apple Cider Vinegar water..in fact..I've replaced my old vodka + soda "chugging" shenanigans with knocking back half a gallon of ACV + water + honey and I cringe at the thought of it...my insides are very...very..displeased.

So the lesson of the day...chugging any sort of beverage is probably not the best idea.  Am I genius or what?

I'm really kicking my ass today. Ready? Not so much.

You have to wonder at times what you're doing out there. Over the years, I've given myself a thousand reasons to keep running, but it always comes back to where it started. It comes down to self-satisfaction and a sense of achievement.

- Steve Prefontaine

There is a moment in every run.  A moment where you can either quit, fold, or say to yourself "I can do this."

The only way to define your limits is by going beyond them

Do or do not. There is no try.

In my mind, I am a Kenyan.

Find your limits and exceed them.

My mantra today...just keep running. 

It's never too late to put the past away.

Fearless If that's the way you love you've got to learn so much If that's the way you say goodbye And this is how it ends And I'm alright within Never going to see me cry Cause I've cried So go on, go on and break my heart I'll be okay there's nothing you can do to me that's ever going to burn me So go on, go on and leave my love Out on the street I'm fearless Better believe I'm fearless, fearless If this is how it hurts It couldn't get much worse If this is how it feels to fall Then that's the way it is We live with what we miss We learn to build another wall Till it falls If it's between love and losing To never have known the feeling And I'm still sad we've loved And if I end up lonely At least I will be there knowing I believe in love

What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment.  And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new.  Right now.

So this is going to be a lifestyle?

When my alarm went off this morning, I immediately regretted my late night insomnia/emotional moment.  Unfortunately, my sleep suffering is directly related to internal frustration.   I said I was going to start with a clean slate--and that definitely started this morning.  I went to Kickboxing--and then left the gym right after.  I think part of my extreme fatigue is due to pushing too hard in the gym when I'm depleted.  When I don't feel good, I can't sleep well, leading to exhaustion during my work outs..which just makes me feel worse.  The cycle stops here! I am going to make an effort to get to bed earlier so waking up early to fit in long work outs won't be as difficult.   

I think we could all take better care of our bodies--from what we put into it, to how much we pamper ourselves.   I definitely could take better care of myself....and most importantly, cut myself some slack.  The reason I feel so tired is because I am tired.  You can only run on fumes for so long.  I loved this article below because the athlete gets at least 10 hours of sleep a night.  Honestly, I would feel so much better if I slept more.  My body needs to recover--I'm not doing light work outs...every day is an extra push to have that much more endurance  and be just a little bit stronger.  I need to remember--it's okay to snack all day, carry around a gallon of water, and sleep like a person in a coma--because that's what I need right now.  I can't work out for almost 3 hours everyday on 3-5 hours of sleep a night and expect coffee to make it all better.  

I've been beating myself up for this fatigue and it's so simple--if I would have just realized how little I was sleeping..problem solved.  Idiot.  

Enjoy the article!! And get some sleep. 

GET THE BEST REST

Sleep expert James B. Maas, Ph. D., shares his advice for everyday runners.

By Nicole Falcone

Image by Erik T. Johnson

From the September 2009 issue of Runner's World 

DEENA KASTOR, bronze medalist in the 2004 Olympic Marathon, says that she gets paid to run—and to sleep 10 hours a night in addition to a one-to two-hour nap each day. But with everything you have going on—work, family, and training—seven hours of uninterrupted shut-eye is probably a luxury. Sleep expert James B. Maas, Ph. D., shares his advice for everyday runners.

1. STICK TO A ROUTINE Go to bed at the same time every night—weekends, too. If you aren't getting enough sleep during the week, you start building up a sleep debt. But you can't make up for this by sleeping late on Saturday and Sunday, because that throws off your bedtime. "Your brain doesn't have a different biological clock for weekdays and weekends," Maas says.

2. PRIORITIZE IT Don't miss your bedtime. Sure, there are occasionally sick kids or last-minute deadlines to deal with. But these are unavoidable interferences—updating your Facebook page isn't.

3. SET THE SCENE Keep your bedroom dark, cool, and quiet. Get black-out window shades, keep the temperature between 65 and 67 degrees, and avoid using a TV, laptop, or BlackBerry, which can prevent your falling asleep, within 30 minutes of your bedtime.

4. WATCH THE CAFFEINE A cup of coffee is a fine morning ritual. But chugging Red Bulls to get through the afternoon can keep you up at night. Avoid caffeine after 2 p. m., says Maas.

5. DON'T RUN TOO LATE Can't run in the morning? Then try to get it in between 5 and 7 p. M. Exercising within three hours of your bedtime can cause insomnia.

6. SET REALISTIC GOALS If you have a newborn, it may not be the time to go for an ambitious PR. Scale back your expectations so they reflect your current circumstances. Remember, he'll grow up eventually.

7. ADJUST FOR YOUR TRAINING If you are logging more miles and getting up earlier to squeeze in the extra training, make sure you go to bed earlier, too.

8. NAP A 10-to 15-minute nap can boost energy levels. But 90 minutes is ideal if you are sleep-deprived, says Maas. In that time, you'll go through an entire sleep cycle, which has a restorative effect on the body and can help recovery.