You know what kills me?

There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.

What kills me is that I'm the haphazard victim of my own bad habits. I make the same mistake foolishly; I bleed honesty, crave can't live without you love, yearn for something, someone real...but yet, I am stuck in this revolving door of stupidity. It's like I close my eyes to the past, turn away from the present, and blindly see the future. I wish, just once, you could be Prince Charming.  Maybe that's the problem, I imagine you to be greater than you are, than you could be.  What disappoints me is...really myself for being reckless.  I consistently tell my friends, "It's over when you're done.  When you're done..it's done."  The question is..why can't you just let me be? Or rather, why can't I be free of you? I can't help but wonder--am I brave enough to find the truth behind the lies you speak with such conviction? I want a man who is worthy of my admiration...someone who commands respect.  You, are continually untrue.  Your word is your bond, but you break it so easily.  Why am I enabling myself to be some poor character from a Jane Austen movie or some bad chick flick? There must be some masochist in me, to let you in--it's always something with you.

Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.

This needs to be done.  A closed chapter.  I never knew it could be so hard to do the rational thing..

"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.."

Dear John letter to Fear.

Dear Fear,

You have found a way under my skin. In all my steps forward, you stay with me somehow. You, my shadow, stay far enough behind that I forget about you..but given the right circumstances..I can't separate your darkness from myself. You make me think I'm smaller than I am.

You are holding me back. Why do you want me to be less than I could be? It must be your own insecurities, needing someone to empathize and relate, you suck me in with your poetic words and rational impulses. You make me want to give up when I know I should just push a little harder..a little more. I fear you, I fear failure, I fear succeeding..I fear...me without you. You keep me from myself.

After 23 years together, ups and downs, you know me better than anyone else. You know the ins and outs of all my charades, my expressive eyes when words seem too much, the way my mind goes 1,000 miles per hour when I'm seemingly quiet, how lightening both scares and mesmerizes me, that nothing exposes me more than tears, and how, this life, is easier alone than the idea of being abandoned. You know how to keep me from the things that I secretly want most. The thing that would make me most vulnerable.

You tell me I'm safer alone, that doing nothing is better than finding out I could fail, that pride is better than foolishness, that silence is better than bold response, and most importantly, that taking a chance on the unknown will make me weak.

So beloved Shadow, it's time for me to stand alone. To be who I am--without any delusions or implied ideas. To be--imperfect, irrational, risky, outspoken, original--me. However flawed and fateful this life will be, atleast I will know my true reflection--you cannot keep me anymore.



"The most important thing to remember is this: To be ready at any moment to give up what you are for what you might become."


“Live every moment in the present. Do it. Risk it. Buy it if you love it. Loving well takes practice, delicious practice. If it feels good, it must be good.”

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."

"We're so arrogant, aren't we? So afraid of age, we do everything we can to prevent it. We don't realize what a privilege it is to grow old with someone. Someone who doesn't drive you to commit murder or doesn't humiliate you beyond repair. "

Motivation, where are you?

It's pitch black outside...I can imagine the sound of my shoes hitting the warm pavement...but I can't move from my chair.  It's amazing what stress can do to your body--I'm exhausted.  I know the best cure for my frayed nerves is to move, push my limits, and clear my mind.  

In an attempt to motivate myself, I added a couple new songs to the ever-growing, fantastic, running mix. 

1. When you're ready--Kate Earl
2.  Haven't Met You Yet-- Michael Buble
3.  Replay -I-YAZ
4.  Shut It Down (Ft. Akon)- Pitbull
   
5.  Feeling Good-Michael Buble
   
6.  Hot Mess-Cobra Starship
   
7.  I Want You Back-Jackson 5
   
8.  Starstruck-30H!3
   
9. Apologize remix-One Republic
   
10.  Sexy Bitch-Akon
    
11.  I'm shipping up to boston-Drop Kick Murphys
    
12.  Love Drunk-Boys Like Girls
    
13.  She Wolf -Shakira
    
14.  No One LIke You-Scorpions
    
15.  Another Way To Die- Jack White & Alicia  Keyes
    
16.  Act A Fool--Flosstradamus
    

The last thing I want to do right now is go running.  I have to remind myself that I decided to do the marathon--there is never a good time to decide to do something like that.  I always make excuses, "But I just started my Masters..I just started my job..." but...life is never going to be on pause.  I have to commit myself to this.  It's not the working out part that gets me, that's the best part, it's the long runs in the heat of Arizona.  Sometimes, mid-run, I can sense the temperature change, I can feel the morning start to fade and the heat of the afternoon take its place.

Running at night is easier, cooler. But, I hate running in the dark. Maybe it's the quiet that gets me, the absence of busy life around me. Alright, marathon....you win out over sleep deprivation.  

"The marathon can humble you."

If I could say it in a song--

"Haven't met you yet" 

by Michael Buble

I'm Not Surprised 

Not Everything Lasts 

Have Broken My Heart So Many Times, 

I Stopped Keepin Track. 

Talk Myself In 

I Talk Myself Out 

I Get All Worked Up 

Then I Let Myself Down. 

I Tried So Very Hard Not To Lose It 

I Came Up With A Million Excuses 

I Thought I Thought Of Every Possibility 

And I Know Someday That It'll All Turn Out 

You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out 

And I Promise You Kid That I'll Give So Much More Than I Get 

I Just Haven't Met You Yet 

Mmmmm .... 

I Might Have To Wait 

I'll Never Give Up 

I Guess It's Half Time 

And The Other Half's Luck 

Wherever You Are 

Whenever It's Right 

You Come Out Of Nowhere And Into My Life 

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing 

And Baby Your Love Is Gonna Change Me 

And Now I Can See Every Possibility 

Hmmmmm ...... 

I got the life sucked out of me.

I'm not going to write much--what I will tell you is that I tried to make homemade GAK with the kids. It ended in...D I S A S T E R. My body hurts, my head hurts, and my spirit is.....broken.



I can't get the image of...Borax..Elmer's glue..and food coloring...splattered everywhere...out of my mind.



This makes Cookie Disaster '09 look like..a fantastic success.

Needless to say...the recipe I got off one website did not mention water..which is essential when using Borax..so imagine powder..and glue...flying everywhere. Everywhere. All over them. Everywhere.

We all know me, I'm a total perfectionist.....I'm thinking of trying it again tomorrow. Lesson is, practice makes perfect...and a bad batch of gak makes a gigantic, unbelievable, horrible mess.


I will sleep like a baby tonight.


P.S: On a positive note, Piglet comes tomorrow!

Send them to an island..

Last night with one of my newly single friends, our conversation turned to post break-up sentiments. I told her I secretly wish any ex that maintains bitter feelings towards you could just be sent to a desert island. There is nothing more awkward than the returning of the belongings, last bitter words, and overall division caused by breaking up.

She was expressing well earned frustration; she had asked him to return her things (she had already returned his) and he ended up coming over at a late hour, not speaking to her, and dropping off a ridiculous amount of..well crap. Tables, chairs, paints, frames she gave him of his family...I mean really? What really ticked her off was the fact that if he was going to go to the extent to return a photo she gave him of his FAMILY..why wouldn't he return the other stuff she had given him? None of it makes sense.

Personally..keep my stuff. I'd rather move forward. Ideally every break up would be mutual. Unfortunately, that's usually not the case. I'm not sure what extent you should have to go to, to return their things either. My vote would be no effort--you want it, come and get it. Otherwise i'll get it to you when it's convenient for me...particularly when it's been over 3 months.

Never settle for anything less than butterflies...

Tom Shovelton has put a fresh rose at his wife's bedside every single day for the 60 years they've been married. Every morning, he kisses her when she wakes up, and every night he kisses her goodnight. "I love her to bits," he says. "I have done since the day we met."




Love is not consolation. It is light. ~Friedrich Nietzsche

True love stories never have endings. ~Richard Bach

The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves. ~Victor Hugo

True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. ~Erich Segal

Nice little Saturday

So my alarm went off at 7 AM this morning--I debated..I haven't had a day off from the gym..it's Saturday. I just feel guilty when I don't go. Not sure where that comes from or when it started..but it's as if I was really mean to someone. That kind of guilt. I compromised by visiting runnersworld.com and looking at one of their 6 pack abs videos. Although it's a little awkward and strange..I was happy that those are all my ab moves anyway. I did them on my floor in between organizing and doing laundry. Here, give it a try--





Also, laundry tip: Just read that if you put baking soda in with your laundry (not in the detergent slot, but sprinkled across the top of your laundry) it aids in the cleaning power. Also good for your work out clothes and odor removal..do yourself a favor and everyone else in the gym. You can even just soak the clothes in a baking soda/water solution before washing them. I love Good House Keeping :)


I am talking to Antonio via fb chat and I talked to Kenny when he got home from work at about 3:30 AM Australian time via Skype. I can't imagine if I would have been in Posadas without any form of internet. It was hard enough not having it at my house.....whew. Gotta love the Bill Gates of the world.

Life in August

Three recent things that reveal my life has completely changed..twilight zone style.

1. I'm actually excited for an 11 mile run to the gym followed by yoga. Full honesty--I dream about it. Counting the days til I can kiss AZ heat advisories goodbye.

2. Today is Free Friday at work so the kids and I are making S'MORES and watching the Sandlot

3. I learned how to drive a 15 passenger van by a man who can only be described as a 60 year biker with the gruffest voice I've heard.

4. The top things I want to buy are all gym related.

Caster Semenya...

Caster Semenya (born January 7,1991) is a middle-distance runner fromSouth Africa. After Semenya vastly improved her running times in the 800 and 1,500 meter races at the African Junior Championships in July, 2009, the International Association of Athletics Federations requested she undergo gender verification testing to prove she is a woman. Semenya's coach, Michael Seme told theU.K.'s Daily Mail: "We understand that people will ask questions because she looks like a man. It's a natural reaction and it's only human to be curious." But maintains that she has "nothing to hide."

Her coach just threw her under the bus. Ouch. I can just see it in the locker room now, "Well Caster..you look like a man...so..."

I'm actually curious about the results. If I could make a guess..I think she is a woman. I suggest you check out her 800m race video. Totally dominated.

Heartburn

So I'm sitting in class, with the worst heartburn I've ever had in my life.  So I googled some cures..just in case any of you are ever in this situation.  So far..the gum has barely worked. 

1) Canada Dry Ginger Ale. If you drink Canada Dry Ginger Ale, you’ll relieve an upset stomach. The ginger absorbs the gastric acid and, as a result, settles a sour stomach. 

2) French’s Mustard. Besides being a delicious sandwich spread, this condiment aids digestion. It can help prevent an imbalance of acids which is the origin of indigestion and heartburn. 

3) Heinz Apple Cider Vinegar. Combine two teaspoons of Heinz Apple Cider Vinegar into one cup of water. Then, sip it slowly as you eat your meal. The acetic acid in the vinegar will stabilize your stomach acid and prevent heartburn. 

4) Uncle Bens Converted Brand Rice. Eat Uncle Ben’s Converted Brand Rice in order to cure heartburn. The complex carbohydrates in it will absorb your stomach acid which in turn will bring you relief. 

5) Wrigley’s Spearmint Gum. Chew on a stick of Wrigley’s Spearmint Gum to eliminate heartburn. Saliva is produced through the act of chewing which neutralizes stomach acid and stabilizes the flow of digestion. Also, Spearmint aids digestion of food.

Some people go to priests; others to poetry; I to my friends.

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares

Friends are the sailors who guide your rickety boat safely across the dangerous waters of life.

A good friend is a connection to life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world.

I've realized lately that my friends are my safety net-- I trust them as much as I trust myself. It really is the friend you can call at 4 am that matters.

It's like Cummings said, "I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart."

The latest and greatest from the Absent Minded Professor.

The latest absent minded moment came as I inspected a bag of dried fruit in the pantry..prunes. 

I took a bite, I turned around and asked my Mom, "What are prunes, anyway?"

My brother gasped, completely horrified.  My mom stared at me blankly.  "Seriously?"

I shrugged, taking another bite, who knew that prunes were dried plums? I definitely didn't.  I should probably be embarrassed, but fortunately it happened in the confines of our kitchen.  My family is already well versed in handling these brainless moments.  Oh well.  

Anyway, I wanted to take a moment to talk about top current products..just because.

1.  Mane n' Tail shampoo.  

 

Happiness <3

"To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury; and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable; and wealthy, not rich; to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly; to listen to stars and birds, to babes and sages, with open heart; to bear all cheerfully, do all bravely, await occasion, hurry never; in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious grow up through the common. This is to be my symphony."

"Be glad of  life, because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars."

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.

Life is beauty, admire it.

Life is bliss, taste it.

Life is a dream, realize it.

Life is a challenge, meet it.

Life is a duty, complete it.

Life is a game, play it.

Life is a promise, fulfill it.

Life is sorrow, overcome it.

Life is a song, sing it.

Life is a struggle, accept it.

Life is a tragedy, confront it.

Life is an adventure, dare it.

Life is luck, make it.

Life is too precious, do not destroy it.

Life is life, fight for it.

Life and the Ed Hardys of the Night.

To the question of your life you are the answer, and to the problems of your life you are the solution.

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer.

Tonight is the start of Graduate school. I had a brief freak-out moment (after a long morning of checks and financial planning) on the floor of my mother's bedroom..embarrassingly enough, "Why are you crying?"-- I looked up at her in complete distress, "I think I'm just tired." I had a moment of feeling frustrated with myself, I finally confessed with a little prodding, "I just feel upset because if I wasn't in Grad school I'd be financially independent and saving money. I wish I would have just majored in Education and been teaching now." My mom replied, "In 18 months, you'll be teaching. Don't look back, no point in beating yourself up."

I know we all have our own life path, but mine has been really random. I majored in English Literature with no plans of teaching...still not sure what I was thinking. I'm glad I did it..for myself..but career wise..? After college I did something I never expected to do--I up and left to a foreign country. I wouldn't trade my experience in Spain for anything..but it's very frustrating--I wish I could snap my fingers, be graduating with my Masters, and be established at the right school. I shouldn't be complaining. The most liberating thing I've ever read was by Alexander Pope, "Whatever is, is right." So, it is what it is. I just need to do my best and learn as much as I can.

On to more interesting things...Friday was my first night working at the Boys and Girls club. Coincidentally it was Family Fun Night. I spent Friday morning gluing and pasting an "About Me" board together..it was a nice reality check that I'm going to be working with kids again.

My day started by helping pick up 80 elementary school students and walking them back to the club. Kids are hi-lar-ious. Amongst the running to the club, some of the kids stopped to show me tricks. The most random was a kid that liked to crack nuts..he found one on the ground..cracked it..and yelled random information and fun facts like that he ate one that was yellow inside and didn't throw up..right away.

Kids are so open--they have no secrets or boundaries for the most part. We corralled all the kids after snack into "open gym." I had one little girl, Ansley, hooked around my waist, crying that kids took her basketball and then an adorable little man named John (tiny mittens with huge glasses) showing me his basketball moves. After announcements, all the kids sat in a huge circle around a coned off section--it was time for the Staff Dance Off. Imagine a huge crash and sirens going off in my brain..staff dance off? My aching legs were screaming no no no no no no and so was my dignity. Fortunately, I got out of it by manning the dance selection on the ipod. This Friday the kids get to have the dance off. I know it may not sound totally traumatic..but it kind of is. They vote the staff out by "Boo'ing" ..I don't want to get voted off the island. I have work to do.

My favorite moment of the day came when I was in the teen room helping the kids get settled (easy first day because Fridays are open..I don't really have to do any activities..just keep them under control) this little kid came up to me and said abruptly, "Are you new or what?" I replied enthusiastically that it was my first day, etc, and he just retorted "lame." and walked away. Remind me why I want to work with teenagers, again? I couldn't help but laugh.

Later on I was in charge of the balloon pop for family fun night. My ears are still ringing. Balloon pop is done by attaching a big balloon to your ankle, then running around trying to stomp on everyone else's while keeping yours guarded. I wish we had games like that in bars..it would make nights out way more interesting.

Saturday night I ended up going out with the girls to Old Town. We started out at Olive and Ivy--Then the group kind of split up, D went to The W which is my idea of hell on earth--we stalled by going to Loco and Saddle Ranch. It was just such a weird night--I was suddenly painfully aware of the rampant douchebaggery. I know I talk about it a lot..but that night..it was in full force. I'm talking opened button down shirts..Ed Hardy galore..and abundant orange glows from fake n' baking. I don't know. It's just not attractive to me when guys take themselves that seriously. I just don't know. I've tried giving them a chance..but as I told my mom the next morning.."It's shocking. Some people literally have no personality. They're vapid. Lights are on, but nobody is home."

How do you not have anything interesting to say? It really boggles my mind..I want to know what it's like to be inside their head. Insert mouse running on wheel here.

Then something weird happens--I get so bored with the conversation that I have to spice it up. One of the Ed Hardys came up to us at Saddle..I was dragged into his pointless small chat even though I attempted to look away and remove myself. Finally, bored out of my mind, I remarked to his question 'so what are you ladies doing here tonight?'-- "She's getting married. It's really awkward right now because my other friend (pointing to A in the red dress) used to date him. We were actually just talking about it when you came up" (insert shocked face here) Ed Hardy didn't quite know what to do and finally said loudly "We should change the subject" and then nudged me, "I was trying to get them to talk about something else" I nodded, clever move Ed. The boring conversation continued and he asked, "Isn't it weird she used to date her fiance?" I shrugged..word vomit.."Well, truth be told, we all want to date him. He's really attractive. If the opportunity presented itself..let's just say everyone woman for herself." Ed's mouse wheel was turning fast now. I'm not really sure why Ed didn't walk away like I'd hoped..but Steph walked into the conversation, armed with awkward remarks, "I feel live i've met you before..in another life." Ed loved that, time to show off his philosophical side, "if we were animals in another life, we wouldn't have been able to talk. So we must have been people." ................Ed was so deep. More boring conversation ensued, he asked me what I did and I said "nothing really." To that remark he said he had graduated from school and not to be fooled by his baby face. Hm. To this I said, "Well I graduated too. But now I'm getting my Masters." He saw this as an opportunity to dig deeper, to which I said, "I'm getting my Masters in life." I was no longer entertained and walked away, poor Steph was left with Ed.

Ed Douche: "So uh, can i get like uh, get your number?":
S: Oh, that's really nice, but I have a boyfriend.
Ed Douche: Well give it to me anyway, it may not work out with your boyfriend.
S: (crickets)

Another thing..my friend E. has this amazing affect on men, they just want to like jump on her the minute she walks into the bar. We've deduced it's not only from her beauty, but her petite size. Small men are like, "YES! MY SIZE" and spring into action. Our group stood around idly as this man literally coddled E--strange looks were exchanged...wondering why this guy was being so affectionate..surely he must know she has a boyfriend if he is that close with her...as we eventually came to her aid inquiring "Who the hell was that?" E looked up laughing "I have no idea!!!" ---the bar took a turn..for the douche.

Here are some snippits of us playing "Act Casual" at the bar..and pretending to put out the vibe.. haha




I didn't think things could get more awkward (after we all sat on the same side of the table in loco because there was a leak...looking like the knights of the straight table or judges from American Idol)


we went to the W, weaving our way through the worst of the douches before joining our friends who had a table. Sopko and I shared a little chair, talking with all the girls, when out of nowhere this guy comes up "Susan?"..blank stares..total confusion..."SUSAN LONGLEY!?"..I interjected, "No..this is Amy" he then scampered off awkwardly, "Sorry, Looking for Susan."

The reason I tell you that story is because moments later..an incredibly..awesomely drunk woman fell onto Sopko, holding her..I got so excited..what's happening, what's this? I asked her "what's going on here?" and she said "My husband is pissssssed" ---all things said are a total slur by the way, and I seized the opportunity, "ARE YOU SUSAN LONGLEY?!"

Unfortunately..she was not Susan. I decided to call her Susan anyway. She kicked it with us for a little while until her white trash, pissed off, husband joined the table, sitting on the lounge adjacent to us scrolling through her phone. I asked her, "Susan, were you texting dirty?" she held up her tall bud light, "Fuck no..I don't know..just my texts" Still not sure what she was trying to say. Eventually Susan's husband left and she laid down on the lounge chair and passed out.

After the incident we decided it was time to go, D and E stayed behind. Circa 3 am when I was eating some watermelon and kiwi, I received a text from our lost comrade E, "oh dear god" ...???? I wrote back. She then texted me back, "dear god im so s crwd." I knew she was just drunk texting me so I left it, but received another "Oh dear god" text. The next morning when she stopped by my house she couldn't remember why she texted me that, but D likewise sent my favorite random text of the night to a guy she is casually seeing, "Its comfy here." Not sure why, or what inspired it. But I love it. He asked her for a dinner and movie date the next night..so all is well in the land of drunk texting.

Circa 3:30 I decided that maybe I can't do the Old Town scene anymore. I don't drink anymore..so without an alcoholic buffer..the Ed Hardys really rub me the wrong way. I'm looking for more laid back places where I can just hang out with my friends without any Ed's barging in our conversation. Where are all the non-Eds? A question..that will hopefully be answered soon.

Holy Sh*t.

Books are expensive!!

I went online to calculate the cost of my books for the semester, used-- they were $481.  Seriously?Then I was watching Good Morning America and they were talking about Chegg.com--you just rent the books for the semester and then you don't have to deal with the hassle of getting rid of them later on.  Including shipping, my text books ended up being $231.  Love it.  Now I just have to wait for them to show up in the mail..in about 4 days. 

Just a quick thought.

“What is the feeling when you're driving away from people, and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? -it's the too huge world vaulting us, and it's good-bye. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.””

So I'm on the bus, thus my thoughts are everywhere and I'm taking no time to really write well (thus, the last entry) but I have to acknowledge what a weird (but still great) place my life is at.

I just graduated college, moved to Spain to teach, lived in a tiny town totally isolated from my friends/family, came back, enrolled to get my Master's degree, had a Antonio (my student from Spain) come and live with me during my transitional period, and now I'm just getting back from an amazing week in Sonoma about to start my new job and first semester of school at..dun dun dun..Arizona State University. I can't even believe I've only been back for about 2 months. I also decided to run a marathon. Just to keep things interesting and hectic.

What a crazy ride.

I've been wrestling with the idea of moving back to the Bay area after I finish my Master's to live in San Francisco. It's been more of a home to me than anywhere else I've ever lived. The constant place amongst all the moves and life changes. I wish I could just live in Grandma's guest house at Seven Gates. Totally at peace, running through the Redwood forest, swimming in the Russian River..total peace. Grandma said she wanted to name "Seven Gates," "Casita Contenta" in her diary. It's so true..it's the most peaceful place on Earth. You can't get it until you are wandering through her massive, amazing garden full of every kind of plant imaginable. Several different rose gardens, statues from all over Europe, benches from Norway..it's just like..being in a fantasy world.

I forgot to bring my Camera this trip, I even remembered the battery, but of course, left the Camera. I'm a real winner at life sometimes. But, I was thinking, maybe the reason I didn't have my camera with me was because I needed to capture these moments in mental memories. Mental photos. Almost like a private memory for only me.

Life is definitely in motion. I can see things unfolding in front of me, classes starting, new job starting, student teaching, going to homecoming..etc..etc..but I haven't taken the full plunge into the rapid river. I'm still staring at it from the shore, tomorrow will be dipping my toe into the current, and then on Monday--I'll have flung myself, having faith I'll be a strong swimmer.

This life, my life, is definitely a snaking river. Full of bends and twists. Calm waters and rough rapids. I love it, and I have confidence no matter what happens, I'll keep myself afloat. (fingers crossed).


p.s: I had a weird thought brushing my teeth this morning. It came on clear as glass. When, if, I get married--I want to get married in my Grandmother's garden. Then another thought followed..Grandma is 95, 96 on November 15th. I don't even have a boyfriend. I'm pseudo emotionally unavailable...really apathetic towards Scottsdale douchebags.

Pan said I need to find a runner (hilarious..but made me wonder). She also told me, marry someone you like. She said that would sound strange--but she reiterated..the passion..that comes and goes..but you have to really like the person. Be with someone who shares your ambitions. She pointed out, "You can't be with someone who is afraid to cross the street..you're a traveler." She's been married to my adorable and quirky Uncle Howard for 51 years. I think her advice should be heeded.

"Love must be as much a light, as it is a flame".--Henry David Thoreau

"A job begun is a job half done"

So last night, I curled up on the floor, tugged out this big Chinese chest, and proceeded to go through hundreds of photos stashed away.

Photos of my grandmother and mother in bandanas working in the garden (looking unbelievably chic and beautiful, amazingly), the old estate of "Los Arboles"--the addition of the guest home, etc. I also got to see photos of my grandmother and I just after I had been born. It's amazing--to see the way life unfolds. I'll scan the photos when I get home. They traveled to every country in high heels and dresses. I got the famous camel photo (contrast mine with it..almost painful) and some others. Their elegance is untouchable. I swear.

I also found several photos of my father. I don't like talking about my father very much--but I have to tell you, he is so handsome. There photos of my Mom and Dad before I was born, just after they had been married, and they were such a good looking couple. Almost tugs at your heart. My Aunt Pan came down from Sparks to spend some time with Grandma and me, and she was sharing so many fun stories. We sat there together, going through those photos, passports, and memories--it was a really meaningful to me. You know, to this day, it's always confused me why my mom was with my dad. I saw it, in those snapshots--Pan said my dad was such a charmer, and she says nobody could have known how things would transpire. I guess my Dad is really charming, handsome, and charismatic. What he isn't, is a father. Disappointing, isn't it?

Anyway, so in my bulging suitcase--I've got bangles, necklaces, photos, passports, it's nice to have these things around me--grandma loves that I'm into jewelry like she was/is. She's got amazing taste--to this day, she's quite the fashionista. I couldn't help but cry when I had to leave today. I love...love..love spending time with my Grandmother. She's so witty and fun. Mereisi kept apologizing that 2 days of my visit were spent in the hospital with her (she fell..I don't even feel like recounting the details of it) but after a couple of days she was released to come home..received dozens of compliments on the bouquet Mereisi brought from the garden) and I read "Emma" by Jane Austen to her. We sat there together from 8am to 9pm, making little jokes about the woman who would walk around in her hospital gown with her pink underwear hanging out openly (she was 82 I later found out and very, very sassy). Quite a lady.

So yeah, now i'm on the bus back from Guerneville to the Oakland Airport. Thank god they have wifi on the bus. I haven't written in my diary in awhile, but I found another one of Grandma's gardening journal and it made me realize how important it is to have notes on the daily happenings.

I got the job at the boys and girls club as the teen program coordinator. I'm really, really excited. I think it will reinforce what I'm learning as I get my Master's degree and do my student teaching. I applied to work in either the scottsdale unified school district or paradise valley school district. All these things are in motion, but I still feel like a bystander in the process of growing up. I've made all these things happen, but I still feel so distant from my decisions. Does that sound as strange as I think it does?

Everything that's transpired the past few months has reiterated my belief that everything happens for a reason. I really believe what's meant to be, will be. We just have to dot our i's and cross our t's. Like my family has always said, "A job begun is a job half done," likewise, "A job worth doing is a job worth doing well."


and just because...if I ever got a tattoo..it would be a line from this poem with Lenna and Grandma's initials----

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I'm bored at the airport.

Alright, firstly, I would like to mentally high five myself that I snuck through security with oversized liquids. It required careful placement, nonchalance, and a little rebelliousness. The liquid restrictions are something that really irk me. What is the difference between 4.3 and 4 oz? 4 oz and 3 oz? My theory is that it is just another way to get consumers to buy more crap they don't need (travel size bottles, toothpaste, etc). Last night, circa 1 am, I was rinsing out old travel size bottles of shampoo/conditioner and replacing it with new product. I really thought about checking my bag, but I decided to try and have a small victory over the security checkpoint. Small victories. Small victories.

Secondly, I just read an interesting..or not so interesting really, article on runnersworld.com regarding the latest Times article that claimed you don't need to exercise to lose weight. You idiot. I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that people are always looking for a quick and easy fix. There isn't. Move your body. Go walking at night, park farther away from your fast food binge, drink lower calories drinks (vodka soda, glass of wine, low cal beer). You'll feel so much better. Simple things like getting non-fat milk with your caramel macchiato at Starbucks.

For example,

Starbucks iced latte with skim milk - 80

Starbucks iced latte with whole milk - 134

Almost reduces the extra calories by half.


It isn't about looks either--it's about your health. The least fit people in a 20 year Stanford study have 4x mortality rate of the most fit people (out of 4,300 subjects). FOUR TIMES AS LIKELY TO DIE.

I know it's easy for me to say get moving, I obviously love exercise. For me, it's the best way to relieve stress or put yourself in a good mood. Speaking of which, cramming all my running gear for training into my carry-on wasn't the best, but I know it's necessary. It'll be really nice to have a break from the treadmill and be able to run along endless roads covered in redwoods. Not to mention, a hiatus from the crazy heat of Arizona. Just got lectured about running in highly populated areas when I'm there by my Mom.

After watching some "Vanished" special on E! I suppose we could all stand to be a little more aware.

I had no idea how important cell phones were in recovering bodies (so morbid, sorry!) but that's how they discovered quite a few bodies of the girls, by locating the last cell phone tower their phones came into contact with. Yeah that was definitely a downer. On a lighter note, yet another reason to be fit, so you can kick some creeper's ass. Jamie--implement those kickboxing moves. I envision Sopko starting some Metallica song in her head and just going nuts. Oh priceless.


I'm already hungry and it's 9:43..I just ate 3 hours ago.