Queen of my own chaos

Life never ceases to suprise me. As I sit here, on a pile of comforters and pillows, I'm queen of my own chaos...I can't help but throw in the towel. It's a half-hearted cop out.

Today felt like the storm that I saw coming, but didn't bother to really prepare for. I woke up with a severe migraine, unable to sleep all night from the sweats and rampant anxiety/insomnia. It's so frustrating, my body is my worst enemy right now. Either way, today the vision was better but then again I wasn't attempting to climb Camelback while seeing blurry images. It's amazing, that to better my life by stopping the medication, i've caused quite a disruption. I get so frustrated, like i'm trapped in someone else's nightmare.

Today I gave up..had a "pity party" and cried {insert gag..sigh..and gag again here}, it always makes me feel terrible when I cry. You feel the tears drop and roll off your cheeks but you don't get a release. So I wrote a letter that said what I felt, tentative and vulnerable, I think after all is said and done it was only fair to myself. I still feel shocked, like watching a train crash at 100 mph and just staring at the wreckage thinking.."what now?"

I dont have the answers or any form of resolution, so i did what i know how to do. I put on my nikes and ran, the sound of the world softened by music. I tried to imagine that the harder I ran, the harder I pushed the problems/anxiety from my body and my mind. Running is amazing and without it...I don't think I could function. It was amazing, looking at the orange-cicle sunset, feeling the stillness of the desert and the strength of my body. Nothing could touch me. I envied myself, my freedom.

I don't really know where my life is at.

I know i'm 21 years old, in college, with a great family, minute health problems, and a substantial education to fall back on. I know that I want to be a writer, write books that are honest..real. I also, don't believe in my writing , don't think it's realistic. So...I want to be a lawyer. But i fear rejection and I fear mediocrity, or being caught at mediocrity. So i'm terrified that I won't get into law school and I'll feel like an embarrassment. So what is one to do? Live in the moment, throw precaution to the wind, and like a tumbleweed just go where life takes me? I'm listening to Frou Frou, "Only got one" and I think they are onto something. It's your life, but you've only got one. And when I think about it like that, why am I going to get lost in the emotions of loss?

I wish I could be one of the "withouts" the people I think of who lack substance. They don't really think too much of their actions and the ramifications on other people. You can tell them you have Cancer and they will console you, all the while thinking in their mind "thank god its not me." The withouts...they get by, don't they? I just want to get by without all this emotional baggage and mind games. But the withouts don't have passion like I do. I love writing, I love learning, and i'm inspired by love, whether it is lost or gained.

All my friends, keep reiterating the fact that I should just think about myself for awhile. Kenny says that i'll never be the person who doesn't think about others or take on their problems as my own. Why can't i be wreckless and spontaneous. I guess if we were all wreckless and spontaneous the world would fall apart. It needs structure as much as it needs spontaneous action. There is a balance, I just need to find someone who is willing to be my balance. And until they come around and provide me some excitement, i'm going to lose my heartache in bikram yoga, running, and appreciating the people who stick around through it all. Hmm..what would Mom say? She would say I'm really fortunate..a princess..and nobody should make me feel like anything less. So i'm going to heed that advice, be queen of my own chaos and love it because its mine, and it's all i've got.

And it all sounds like bullshit..maybe some day I'll write it and really believe it.

He's just not that into you...screwed us all

I can't sleep...too much on my mind. Jamie and Nicky just left--and it's amazing how the world comes full circle. We had a really entertaining and insightful discussion about relationships and the challenges that come along with the package.

Sometimes I feel that i'm plagued by the four steps forward, three steps back process. I can't make up my mind about anything. Am i ready for another relationship? I know this is juvenile, but they are legitimate thoughts in my head. I know that if Nicky or Kenny was saying this to me i'd tell them that you can't live your life afraid of getting hurt, because we all get hurt; but you get back up and move on. Saying that made me feel slightly more empowered BUT It scares me, to go through the turbulence and drama that a relationship can bring into your life. It was so hard for me to look at eric's side of the bed everynight and miss the essence of him..just being around and making me laugh. The idea of eric and i , the whole proposal after we graduated and the white picket fence fairytale. You forget the pain and the tears when you look back on things, but for some reason i can't forget the feeling of loneliness and isolation I experienced when he was incapable and insensitive enough not to be there for me when I genuinely needed something stable in my life. I never want to feel that lonely around other people again and it scares me that if I let the wrong people into my life, they will take me forgranted just like eric did..

I tend to let myself stay loyal for too long (i can't just leave jill, i have like 40 cds in his truck) and I can't seem to find someone who is as loyal and dedicated as I am to the idea of "you and me." I would rather be single and free floating than with someone who is not giving me what I deserve. I'm tired of being the driving force of a successful relationship, for once I want someone who is strong enough as a person to lean on me and let me lean on them...sometimes.

Now i'm absolutely afraid of becoming codependant on someone or expressing my needs out of a "relationship"--But reality is, I do, like most girls, expect a phone call a day if i'm in a relationship at the very least, realistically "He's just not that into you" was onto something. Nowadays, the average girl is so paranoid to be the clingy one in a relationship after reading that modern day dating advice that you automatically assume he isn't interested and if he is dating you, he MUST be atleast dating 4 other people so you should too. I don't know when old fashioned courting became all about getting laid and being a "player." If I never hear the word "Player" again, i'll be happy. Honest, fundamental relationships turned into a sport. We are so caught up in games we forget to put ourselves out there and be vulnerable. Sadly, i'm not sure i've given up the games just yet--because I don't want to be the only one not playing them.

London-- a week later :)

London is so busy busy! It's the official town of busybacksoon. I have seen the British museum (amazing) all of the west end (westminster, parliament, buckingham palace, big ben!) then the Tate museum, Madame Tussauds, the London Aquarium, Regent Park, Queen Anne's gradens, Leicester Square, Piccadilly Circus, Oxford Circus, Avenue Gardens, Richmond..including my favorite place in the whole entire world, Richmond Park. It was really my sanctuary. various little shops and restaurants (my favorite is Cafe Rouge)

We are staying at Furnival house on Highgate Hill which is an upperclass suburban area, complete with the cliche rosegardens and ancient brick townhomes. It's really beautiful--just far from downtown, it takes us about an hour on the tubes to get to Regent park where my class is at for journalism.

The weather is definitely an adjustment, everyone came with summer clothes, tanks tops and dresses--yet all we are wearing is sweat pants, jeans, and sweatshirts, really cute. But it's amazing--sometimes when i'm walking i tune out all the traffic and i just think that i'm here, on my own, making it work.

This weekend we are trying to go to Scotland and hopefully Brussels as well. And then next week we need to go see Wicked and maybe another play, it's definitely going to be a mad dash to the finish line here. I want to get on the plane home, exhausted and in still confused about where I am and where i've been.

I had a really good talk with Hanna last night about relationships and life in general. It's really hard to let go of the past or your memories of someone. Eric has been sending me really sweet messages, but at the same time, he really undermined our relationship for a long long long time and beyond a friendship I can't ever see it happening again. The support system I want just wasn't there.

After class i'm going to the harry potter premier with Linda, simply because I might as well do something random in london and then i think i'm going to walk to highgate cemetery, see if i can drag hanna out of bed. I think i'll stay in tonight..only because tomorrow should be a drunk fest? in fact, it has to be!

damn it feels good to be a gangsta'

I partially wish I was this inebriated again, Erin practically knocked me down (but thus the point of the power hour right?) Anyways..

I just got home from doing a fabulous whole lot of nothing with nick. We went to yardhouse and had a couple beers and productive small talk. Then we stalkerized the yardhouse parking lot, it's really entertaining to watch people leaving the bar and all their awkward engagements. Relationships/dates are awkward..and you can intuit quite a bit based on body language. One girl was attempting to entertain her "date" by showing him her awesome skills at spinning her purse really fast around her wrist. She's a winner.

I then realized that perhaps I am even MORE of a winner simply because of the fact that I was watching her from a car, partially buzzed at 1am.

I'm an insomniac lately--what are the chances it's because i'm nervous and unprepared for London? Hm..that's a toughie.

I'm hiking camelback tomorrow morning with a busted tailbone; but it's time. I feel pudgy and lazy. I was inspired by Jessica Simpson's bodily comeback and guess what..due to fiber! the 5 diet..eating 5 meals a day that have 5-10 g of fiber per meal..thus I felt bad about my cheesecake indulgence at dinner and had my fiber mix with orange juice before laying down.

Also, i'm wondering why i have been sleeping sideways lately without fully unmaking my bed--i wonder what my sleep style is suggesting..google time


Foetus--it's me!!!!!
Those who curl up in the foetus position are described as tough on the outside but sensitive at heart. They may be shy when they first meet somebody, but soon relax. This is the most common sleeping position, adopted by 41% of the 1,000 people who took part in the survey. More than twice as many women as men tend to adopt this position.


Log
Lying on your side with both arms down by your side. These sleepers are easy going, social people who like being part of the in-crowd, and who are trusting of strangers. However, they may be gullible.


Yearner
People who sleep on their side with both arms out in front are said to have an open nature, but can be suspicious, cynical. They are slow to make up their minds, but once they have taken a decision, they are unlikely ever to change it.


Soldier
Lying on your back with both arms pinned to your sides. People who sleep in this position are generally quiet and reserved. They don't like a fuss, but set themselves and others high standards.


Freefall
Lying on your front with your hands around the pillow, and your head turned to one side. Often gregarious and brash people, but can be nervy and thin-skinned underneath, and don't like criticism, or extreme situations.


Starfish
Lying on your back with both arms up around the pillow. These sleepers make good friends because they are always ready to listen to others, and offer help when needed. They generally don't like to be the centre of attention.

Tuesday morning

I know it'll be worth it when i'm in London going to the British Museum and seeing all the things i've been reading about. Today is the first day that i've been really excited about leaving. I just need to get away for awhile, find myself. It's funny that i think i'll find myself in an entirely new city..alone.

I think that people lose themselves in the mundane existence of the day to day. Particularly, when you are an over analyzer like me. I think I just need to put on the brakes for awhile. I want to be laid back and just let the waves wash over me. Going to London will enable me to just rely on myself for awhile and not get lost in the stresses of my life here. What is bothersome now is that Grandma will be being moved to the retirement home in Nevada when i'm in London. I just wish I was more powerful in the situation, capable of changing things and speaking my mind. Maybe that's part of growing up, learning to voice your thoughts and correct people when they are making selfish mistakes.

Yesterday Hilary and I sat on the floor of Barnes and Noble reading zodiac books, it's eerie how dead on they are. You may think this is funny, but I really believe in my horoscope and the information about my birth date. Believe it or not, it even said that taurus' are prone to throat problems..and hello i know i've had more doctor visits about my throat than I would like to remember. Plus they said that I have psychic abilities. I take pride in that :).

I did camelback mountain yesterday morning with Nick and it was fun, but it frustrates me how challenging it is sometimes. I expect it to be easy but everytime i'm at the halfway point it's a fight against mind over matter. I think it's something i'd like to do by myself opposed to with somebody else, I just need to sit and think. I really want to write an honest book, about my opinions through a character that's tangible to me instead of being so afraid to write something personal. Why should I hide my life--it's mine and it's me.

I didn't see it being like this?

I am sitting on my bed with my snoring dog..listening to music and wishing I was anywhere but here. I guess not alot has changed, it used to be eric snoring next to me and now it's my obese chihuahua. It's pretty funny, right?

I'm really tired of having so much on my plate. I have these moments of being so overwhelmed that it's hard to wake up in the morning. It scares me to think that I'm going back to how I was at the beginning of this semester. I'm happier alone than with anyone else--and if I choose to be social i'm drinking, more than I should. Drowning my sorrows in a shot of patron. Really productive and beneficial. I need someone or something positive in my life, something truly stable. I guess the only thing that I can rely on is myself--which is hard to do when you're over medicated and suddenly aware of all your obnoxious idiosyncrasies pointed out by a psychiatrist.

I'm frustrated. But i'm frustrated that i'm frustrated, I just want to be a normal, average person on the street with a big smile on their face and a bounce in their step. It's been too long pretending, "faking it til I make it" and to be honest i'm just agitated. I can't even say that whole heartedly either, because i'm not absolutely miserable. I like being in Scottsdale alot, even though Santa Fe was an amazing reprieve. But i'm very suspect of people, of everyone lately. I don't understand what happened to caring about strangers and people in general. I need to get out of here. I'm losing faith in the goodness of the average person. People perhaps have turned out to be more selfish than I could have imagined. My father chose his own pride over loving his daughter, Eric only thought of himself, and here I sit with the weight of the world on my shoulders with out anyone to share it with me. What the fuck happened to us?

My mom asked me if I was going to be going out the other night--of course the reason she asked was because she wanted to try and talk to me again about my grandmother. I just don't want to hear it, i want to pretend this isn't happening. My grandmother is barely holding on--she was so miserable in the recovery hospital after her stroke at christmas--wanting to be with her good friends in her garden, enjoying her belongings and her loved ones. Then my mom told me that grandma hardly knows where she is anymore and I just felt sick. I can't lose her and it's so unbelievably painful to hear her disgruntled on the phone and being pulled at like a ragdoll by all these selfish, awful, people. I want to fly out to california and give everyone a piece of my mind. It's just like when Lenna passed away and all my relatives turned money hungry, seeing green and pulling at my mother to go against Lenna's will. It's just disgusting. I just want to be with her and talk to her about London and traveling and school. I think I am starting to understand why my brother left for Colombia. He needed to escape. Grown tired of being used, and i'm sick and tired of all this STUFF.


If I had my life to live over, I'd dare to make more mistakes next time. I'd relax; I'd limber up. I would be sillier than I have been this trip. I would take fewer things seriously. I would take more chances. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.

You see, I'm one of those people who lived sensibly and sanely hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I had my moments, and if I had to do it over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after the other, instead of living so many years ahead of each day. I've been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat, and a parachute. If I had it to do over again, I would travel lighter than I have.

If I had my life to live over again, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would dance more; I would ride more merry-go-rounds. I would pick more daisies.

3 year relationship = bad dater.

After a 3 year relationship..I'm not a good "dater" as much as I'd like to pretend that I am. I feel guilty if i go out on dates with other people if i'm dating one person. Isn't that the point of being single? But i feel like i already found what i should be looking for, so what's the point in going on dates just for the mere entertainment of going out? idk if that even makes sense. I think, I suppose..before I stop going on "entertainment" dates I should make sure a relationship is honestly what I want. Or in fact if anybody even wants to be in a relationship with me, life is so damn complicated. no i take that back, relationships are so damn complicated. People are just like oceans, smooth and glistening with sharks swimming under the surface and riptides waiting to drown you. NOW that is cynical, i should be ashamed of myself but i'm not..entirely.

Sometimes I think too loud

I haven't written in awhile, i guess alot has been changing and going on and I don't like these thoughts fluttering around my mind.

I am leaving tucson tomorrow, in a completely different place than where I started. The year began with me thinking that I had found the person I would possibly spend the rest of my life with, I was a different person then...but it was a real feeling..tangible. Anyhow. This ball of life has been rolling and gaining speed and I feel that it finally hit me and i'm still trying to dig myself out of the hole it left me in. It knots my stomach and cinches my throat to say that on Mother's day my grandmother was asking my mom for lenna's number to call her and my mom had to tell her that she is the last one alive. It hurts to think of my grandma re-feeling that loss, it is something that I have been trying to push under the rug for so long and it seems that life never stops enough for me to catch my breath.

My dad sent me a card for my birthday, late. I wrestle with whether or not i'm grateful or bitter that he sent it. It's just so hard to deal with him being out of my life. It's hard to admit that his relationship was the one aspect of my life that i struggled with since childhood, always pining for his approval and to make him proud of me--to show him that girls can be bold and praise worthy too. I never would have thought that the little girl bounding off the plane, searching through strangers faces to find the arms of her hero would be sitting at a computer at 3 am, wanting to forget his face. The card left me speechless. I ripped it up and put it in the garbage. It disrupted the protective barrier I had coated myself in. The thing about these emotions that I'm confronting is that I'm afraid to let anyone in. I don't want them to see me cry or see me feel devastated. I don't want to feel those things. If people really cared they would ask. But nobody asks. I want to keep everyone at an arm's length and i'm so quick to turn my back on people the minute I feel they could hurt me or add complications. With guys in particular, I feel that the minute they show an action that could be perceived as negative i'm suddenly back to ground zero, ready to ignore their phone calls and all the feelings I allowed myself to feel.

I feel lately that it is my best interest to just float around, not allowing myself to feel anything deep for any one person in particular, but I can't help it and I thought I found a real connection, i liked the way it felt and i felt like someone saw through my layers and actually saw me for me. idk..I don't even feel comfortable writing it because part of me feels that i'm fooling myself into feeling something not necessarily genuinely there--I feel that guys aren't trustworthy and that they are going to disappoint me. They say one thing to me but have alternative intentions running under the surface. I have expectations of people and when they fail to do something I "need" them to do, i'm put off again. I know it is unfair of me to expect things from people if I am unwilling to ask.

I know that doesn't necessarily make sense, but for example today--I felt so overwhelmed. I wish that I could be a spontaneous, roll with the punches, go with the flow kind of person..but i'm not there yet. I try to follow the motto "fake it til you make it" but it takes time. I'm flabberghasted about the move, i'm not good at dealing with disorder and chaos. i'm so frustrated with the move and it hasn't even begun. my life is in boxes. waiting to be unpacked in a truck somewhere.

The painters were supposed to be working all this week and of course, they are arriving for the first time tomorrow to start painting with the deadline of monday when the movers come. So i have to bring Bella down tomorrow to an empty house to meet Zeus and deal with the stress of strangers in the house and a whole new location. My mom suggested..commanded lol that I find a place to stay because of the paint fumes but i'm just so agitated. Although it was undesirable to just sleep in the house and set up my bathroom and closet and just let bella and zeus run around the house, it was a plan and it was feasible. But now they have to be outside, hopefully not accidently let out and i have to drive zach and mom to the airport to go to Nevada til Sunday? It just seems like alot.

Although the semester is over, i'm still running things over in my mind about how disappointed i am with my academic performance..i feel like im not myself not matter how hard I try. I have moments where I feel a snippet of the old me and it's such a relief, a breath of fresh air, and then something comes and knocks me back down to my knees. I just want it to be over, for the world to pause all around me and allow me to tuck the issues away to never be found again. I wish someone could help me, just deal..but i'm totally alone.

Dealing with verizon today and attempting to facilitate my day for tomorrow was so exhausting and stressful on me, i wanted to have an empathetic ear to call and a hug to be had. I'm not one to ask for help, but today i just wanted to dig my heels into the ground and throw in the towel. Dating is..whatever. But getting invited to a bar just isn't my scene right now. I need quiet time and one on one time with people; it seems like i'm the only one who needs that..which defeats the purpose. Today is the first day in a long time that i felt unwillingly disappointed and lonely. It makes me want to shut everyone out and just go into solo mode. As much as I hate to say this, I know that i'm going to crawl back inside myself for awhile...i'm just not ready to deal with people in different places than I am. I want something great. I want..what i've always wanted..and i'm not ready to put myself out there emotionally.. it just doesn't seem to be happening..so i guess it's back to being solo. i've gotten pretty good at it by now :-/

Finals Week

So yes, what every college student across the nation has been anticipating has finally come. Finals week, the week where people eat like crap, feel like crap, and study until their brain feels like crap. Eloquent, but true.

I still don't understand the point of finals. Particularly, my personal hell, of my senior seminar. My teacher feels sorry for me because of my immune deficiency over the past semester. It's pretty sad how many times I have been sick; but stress will do that to you. Do you ever have the urge to spill your guts to a complete stranger; just to get it OUT. I'm going to call that brutally honest word vomit. It has a nice gross ring to it. Sometimes, when I feel that a person is awkward/bored around me I feel the need to share my life story with them...to get a reaction, to open communication? I'm not really sure. I guess it doesn't really matter--it's pointless rhetoric either way.

So today I met with Professor Epstein after class to discuss my final paper on George Eliot. The paper is comprised of 15 pages tracing the career of the novelist and Eliot's canon. Bor-ing. My troppe is consequence; specifically economic consequence, social consequence and finally moral consequence. Ultimately, in my paper i need to determine what ELIOT is doing and why consequence is important in her novels.

Basically when I left his office my head was spinning and i'm pretty sure i made the most awkward exist any student has ever pulled; I booked it. I put my notebook away, told him "I think it'll be great. No..I know it'll be great" i was pretty much maintaing a full on motivational speech to myself infront of my teacher. So not only does he think i'm unhealthy and sickly but probably mentally off balance as well. Maybe he'll feel sorry for me? haha it's just embarrassing, I wish I could have been a fly on the wall to watch myself make my dramatic exit. Oh the things people do when they are stressed.

Letting go isn't that easy

So obviously yesterday was hard and gave me a lot to think about. Eric and I went to dinner and it was the same conversation we have been going over for 2 months now. Basically he still refuses to take full accountability for his own actions and the negative impact that I had to receive because of that. A relationship requires two people to be fully devoted; when the other is down the other one should help pick them back up. I do not want a relationship where I have to always be the one to help the other out, particularly when my own world was crumbling all around me. Nothing has changed; my dad is still out of the picture, my grandma is on a day to day basis---but I'm dealing with things differently. I don't have the time to confront those issues right now but I know that eventually I will, and in the mean time I need to keep my head up and keep it together. The world doesn't stop for you.

But yeah, i'm brushing some things under the rug for now. I don't think I can be in a relationship with Eric if he cannot even genuinely apologize for what happened instead of just blaming me for breaking up with him.

I am going to pick up a new addition to the family, she is a little white chihuahua who hasn't had a home for awhile and i'm VERY excited. I can't wait to take my little buddy out on walks and home with me to north scottsdale to meet zeus, pax, and zoe. So yes, i'm really happy that my roomies are all so excited about the new puppy. She'll have lots of attention and lots of love :)

It took awhile to figure out she could run and when she did she was long..long gone.

Mornings are my favorite time of day. I have a routine then. I wake up, go put on a pot of coffee, have a piece of toast and cut up bananas and strawberries and sprinkle them into my cereal. Have fiber juice. Catch up on the world of television and have some quiet time. But then the rest of the day is...unpredictable. I opted not to go to class..I feel guilty about it, honestly. I'm either on point and focused or I am all over the place. God, i just want to shake myself. Snap out of it, wake up and get moving!!

Anyways, I went on yet another amazing run today. When i'm running I like to feel like i'm running from things...Escaping...running from the annoyances and frustrations of life. Running from the people that bring me down and kicking dust onto them. The difference between me in my real life and the me during my runs is that when i'm running, i'm moving past all the dilemmas, letting things go and going forward; but in my real life i'm frozen and drudging through the muck. muck. I can be pissed as all hell and when i get to the base of the hill, it fuels me, and I run and run and sprint and push off my feet as hard as i can so when I get to the top I feel like I pushed the anger out of me. And I take a deep breath and exhale all the tension in my body. out..out out and away into the air, somewhere away from me.

Emotions are a crazy thing, I suppose all the time I spent running in highschool from "real life," things caught up with me in college; I have to confront my father..and my issues with relationships and people..but I have never had to do that before and i'm lost.

I feel accomplished when I keep going, even though I'm tired and my legs are aching and my lungs are screaming for a minute of reprieve--but I keep pushing. Mind over matter..Mind over matter..it's my mantra these days. It's supposed to hurt, that's the challenge; overcoming the hurt to run another mile and another one after that. Finish the hill even though your hamstrings are sore--but you can keep going, that's the beauty of the human body. you can do amazing things; if only you allow yourself to go beyond the pain to something more..you just keep going. keep running until you decide that you are finished. and when you go up that last hill, feeling the fire lighting up your feet, battling the desire to quit and just walk it...feel the sunshine on your face; something, maybe the demons inside you, fuel you and you just go and take off til the top.

El Fin

Eric asked me on a date for saturday...i'm undecided. I keep saying that when you don't have any expectations of people you do not allow yourself to be disappointed. But I continually allow myself to get my hopes up about Eric and being able to patch things up.
Perhaps I take his consistent attempts as signs of love..but maybe I was wrong and it is just him fearing change and being alone. or fear of facing reality like me? I say this because when I allowed myself to get...pretty excited...about saturday, I was talking to him about Sushi Garden and how fun it would be to go and get sushi. And he was like "Are you buying?" and so the same old conversation came up. No..i'm not paying and no i'm not driving. I told him not to ask me on a date if he didn't have any money. And NO it's not about the money, it's the point. he had to ruin something that could have been a fun date because he made it seem like a BURDEN. Spending a night with me outweighed and overwhelmed by finances. get over it already. And of course, this is coming from the guy who went out to dinner, continually eats out and spends money on beer. You know, I don't think i have time to go to dinner tomorrow night and i'm sure I could spend time with my friends instead. I dont' have time to be anybody's burden anymore. And i'm not going to let HIM weigh me down anymore. I'm fine--it's all these other people. Between my father and eric i'm saying sianara

So after a 3 year relationship..here I am.

I think being single is harder than I anticipated. I just think dating is intimidating and strange; I feel that guys aren't trustworthy and that they are sleezy. It's just easier to be on my own, totally. I don't want to be worried about interpreting someone else's actions, worrying about making time to see someone who doesn't make time for me, being the habitual "date" planner. Why is it so hard to just..let go? You know you get comfortable and you miss that nook on someone else's neck that fits you so perfectly and the comfort of having someone you love fall asleep next to you so you get to wake up to them in the morning. I miss that. I wish I was the type of person who was laidback and could just go with the flow instead of always spending my energy thinking, wondering, and discussing. maybe that's just girls

Talking it out?

So hooray, i turned in both of my papers this morning, took my test and wrote the most feminist essay of my life (I had to question why so many female authors killed themselves..i'm sure my teacher loved my passion and conviction) But although I may not be a feminist, i prefer to think of myself as an equalist if that terminology even exists. Think about it

This section in my writing I studied Alice James, daughter of the great Henry James and the only girl in the family--she was sickly and was always inferior to her brothers, Emily Dickinson who refused to leave her home for more than short sojourns, Gilman who wrote the most disturbing short story i've read in my life about a woman trapped in the yellow wallpaper that ends up being her, Virginia Woolf who discussed the tribulations of being a female author and how there could never have been a female shakespeare because of society's restrictions--she later ended up drowning herself. Then there was Sylvia Plath, perhaps the most intriguing writer i've ever come across, her character situations are poignant and sarcastic. I wish I was half as clever as Plath; however her character Esther ends up falling into madness and spending her life in a mental institution receiving shock therapy. And of course Plath later committed suicide herself. So why is it that all these brilliant early female writers had lives of desititution? you would think with their talent and intelligence anything would be possible. But as Emily Dickinson wrote best, they put me in the closet expecting me to be still. The irony of that is that Virginia Woolf's essay "A Room of One's Own" discusses how women need space, time to think, and room to be left alone in--Dickinson gives her speaker a Closet and ruminates that if they could only see inside her mind then they would see her her brain -go round-. I think it's a very clever poem. Haha obviously, my head is still in the test.

Last night and the night before I was up ridiculously late for different reasons. My anti-anxiety pills are an amazing little thing, they pack a lot of punch for being a half dose. I can sleep, i can relax..i can not think for five seconds at a time. I had a much needed talk with Kristin the other night at our apartment, and of course I ended up crying even though I try so hard to do my tough, calm, collected facade. Sometimes when you are with people who know you, it's time to just let it out. But it scares me to be honest, I'm afraid if I really let myself cry and feel the hurt from what happened that I won't stop crying. I know that sounds insane and stupid, but it's true. The mention of Lenna in a quiet situation and my emotions go through the roof. I had an awful conversation with My grandma the other day and she was so disoriented and confused asking me about my mom and if she had missed my birthday and it was..awful. I wish she never would have had the stroke, and I wish she would have been with us so I could have protected her. I felt helpless being so far away. I still feel helpless, because I get so upset everytime i hear her sound so disgruntled and out of it on the phone--but i want to talk to HER. I want her to come back. Even now, i get upset and i don't to write about it. and my chest hurts. typical. but anyways, back to my point. I felt when i left that I had a pharmacy in my bag. I have anti-anxiety medicine, anti-depressants, heartburn medicine, pencillin for the strep and some other thing. I felt like an unstable person, only because of how much it takes to mellow me out. why is this happening? really? I don't know what I did to my dad to make him lash out at me and stop loving me if he ever did at all and I don't know why I can't overcome this and put it in the past. I want to talk to people about it, but i don't know how to reach out. I don't know how to admit "i'm having a bad day" and "I'm upset about.." I feel that nobody wants to listen. And people say that you should call them to talk to them but it's like..i will never be the person to pick up the phone to call someone to talk about something really bothering me, idk why. Brian was really intuitive the other day when he told me that my dad was projecting his shortcomings onto me and that it wasn't my fault. I think i really needed to hear that. I understand that my dad has to be a huge..asshole i guess..for abandoning me. All i wanted to do was fall apart after it happened. I think it's difficult because I really expected a magic wand to be waved over me when I got to school and when I found myself hiding out in my room and feeling isolated even more than when I was in Santa Fe something clicked. I'm glad that i went to the therapist, but i dont think i want to go back. I think my journal is more effective. I'd rather talk with one of my friends and have heart to hearts once a week then talk to a stranger who I put on a facade with anyway. Well, my journal definitely took a more intraspective look than I was in the mood for, but i guess it was necessary to put out there.

Putting my heart back together

"the day i thought i'd never get through--i got over you"

Well today was a whirlwind. This morning at 5am I woke up to throat pains and dizziness, so i went to the kitchen to make a cup of warm water with salt..delectable treats. I had originally planned to attend class but I ended up trying to catch up on sleep to avert sickness..oh well. I then went to circuit city to pick up printer ink which ended up being the wrong kind and ultimately pointless..brilliant. I stopped at BJs to pick up my paycheck and I just wasn't in the mood to be there. Anyway, i went to wells fargo and was going to transfer money from my accounts in nevada to the accounts here, and could you believe it my dad took me off all my accounts? If i had a doubt that he was going to regret his decision and realized that he did love his daughter, I was mistaken. I felt like my heart had been stomped on and ripped out of my chest. My first instinct was to call Eric--idk why I even bother. He was nice about it but I was crying on the phone and it didn't really matter..I didn't get a callback tonight or anything. Thoughtful right? Why do I even bother with it? He comes to Jamie's birthday dinner and gives me a guilt trip and makes everything awkward between us by pouting that I do not come over to watch movies anymore. Well you know what--you fail to ask me about how i'm doing or really care. it's really pretty damn pathetic. Why do I put myself through these things? Lessons learned...how many times does it take? People are off the charts.

Well anyways then Jd and i went to oreganos and it was delicious and fun; it's crazy how long we have known eachother. I sort of talked to him about my dad, even though i would rather not talk to anyone about it it just kind of came out..I guess it had to at some point. i miss allison. but sopko is 21 so that offered a highlight to my day..i'm going to shake it off, read a little bit of the bell jar and hope for the best

"I want to transcend"--Just Friends

Alright, i'm about to go to bed and I could not stop myself from reading my latest entry--pretty angry. I do not want to be "that girl" who is angry and embittered at "men" (insert the worlds smallest violin playing) I just feel really...mmm i'm not sure what the word would be here, maybe disappointed? I couldn't tell you right now without more reflection whether or not my feelings towards the opposite sex has been affected by my lack of a relationship with my father as of late. It was hard, when Allison and I were in Nordstrom she nonchalantly mentioned.."do you know when father's day is?" and I responded "I'm not the person to ask." I do not know my own father's birthday and I do not know when father's day is. I had a really bad feeling that i'll be in tucson during father's day and all my roomates will be talking about it and i'll just have to get up and go. I just can't handle hearing about how great everybody else's dad is--mine is somewhere in nevada right now, probably loving spring and golfing. forgetting I exist

I was hesitant about going to London this summer because I really wanted eric to come with me..but now i'm half-heartedly looking forward to London, pinch me, I'm just nervous about embracing that independent strong woman that I know my mother wants me to be. It's scary to look in the mirror and realize you are all you have got. I cannot screw that up.

Why can't things be easier. I just want to find the guy that is going to look at me and think..wow..this is it. i'm the luckiest man to have her in my life; i'm not going to take her foregranted or disappoint her intentionally. i'm going to be the man that she needs without ever thinking of her as an obligation; remember what she has to offer and remind her when she forgets that she is important and strong..and it's okay to have moments of sadness but allow me to cry when i'm trying too hard to smile through the tribulations. more than anything--someone who wants to lighten my load and let me share theirs--someone who wants to make life an adventure but hold my hand through it knowing that i'm their equal. Someone who will teach me how to cook and go on walks with me at night. I want someone who is honest and that does not find a challenge in playing games-honesty---a man who knows the value of a relationship. having sex with a girl is not about bragging to your friends but about being with her intimately. Do you think a guy like that exists? I thought I had found a semblance of that but now i really just don't know. I dont know when I get back to tucson how to act...i want to just be happy and real and beautiful in simplicity. but will there be an elephant in the room? I'm going to give hope a chance to float up..and please let it..i need a little hope..count that as a favor to whomever is listening to think good thoughts for me.

wouldn't that be an amazing thing if we could reach into our friends' hearts and scoop up the pain that is just too much to carry alone. that's what i wish my superpower was. that's my wish.

feels like tonight :)

This morning we woke up at 9am and went on the most amazing hike to Hawaii Kai...so beautiful. Hawaii is so different because today I walked around in my spandex and sports bra all day and it was completely normal; however if i was in tucson people would think i was doing it for attention. People, right?

So anyways, it started out kind of gloomy in the morning but by the time we got to the tide pools it was so beautiful and clear outside. I was really afraid to jump in the tide pool because I couldn't figure out what kind of weird fish were in there, and of course it would be my luck that jaws magically came out of the cracks and ate my leg for lunch..vivid imagination i know. But, I did finally get into the tide pool and it was so beautiful. The water was like glass and it was very warm and the ocean kept rushing over the rocks in an awesome white spray. I'm just really impressed, the rocks on the way down were incredibly jagged and steep but we kept going and made it to this amazing oasis--I never thought in a million years that I would be swimming in a tide pool after completing an arduous hike and footing around on black rocks bare foot watching the ocean rise and fall inbetween the rocks. gorgeous.

I definitely got a little sunburned but right when we got home from kozo sushi and coffee bean I booked it into the shower and then lathered myself in aloe vera gel, ouchie sunburns are the worst so I'm attempting to prevent any kind of unnecessary pain. then we ate our sushi and had some more coffee and relaxed to watching will and grace. now we are on the balcony before getting ready. I am so excited to go to Japanese food tonight. I'm trying to be more open minded and spontaneous. I just feel so full of life. It's easy to turn inward and not want to let people in and just be a vegetable but life is amazing. I want to hike more in tucson and just enjoy things, if it is school. I get so bogged down in the drudgery of work and school. I just like being outdoors and smelling the ocean. you lose yourself in deadlines I think.

Anyways so i'm going to try Sake tonight and that should be interesting.

Hello honolulu

So today was..amazing.

allison and i went to waikiki this morning..well rested and happy. the sun was shining and waking up in the morning making coffee and eating fiber toast with cream honey was the most phenomenal thing ever.

the tourists were priceless, everybody was jam packed into this 2 inch space of beautiful beach; but who the hell cares right? we took cute pictures, had some random japanese asian gangsta ask to take a picture of us and it was pricelessly awkward but everything pretty much is

then we went and got kozo sushi which will just change your life if you ever have it; then we came home went on a total butt run, sweated our brains out and then came home showered and watching sex and the city eating our yummy sushi. Yeah so now we are drinking the most amazing riesling and about to maybe smoke with brian downstairs..loving my life right now.

tomorrow we are going hiking and no worries i will take picture. originally i was going to write a very insightful entry but who has time to be contemplative about life and guys in hawaii? not me. i'm drinking a fucking margarita in love with allison. til tomorrow,

hugs and kisses

Okay flu...you win.

well i'm recovering from the flu...sitting in my room watching Lost and attempting not to think about things..it's been easier for me than you'd think. It's just too much to sit around and contemplate what's been happening and how significantly things have changed in my life.

I'm leaving for honolulu on thursday and i couldn't be more excited...I just want to be there...feeling the sand in between my toes and the soothing sounds of the ocean rolling over me. I want to run everyday and go snorkeling and get out of here.

Eric is still calling as if nothing has changed, it's been hard because he has been gone for lax. but it's like--is this enough? I need more now. Before, I was always the strong one for him. but the minute the tables changed, I lost priority to a beer pong game. Imagine what that does to your self-worth. It was bad enough losing my dad, i didn't want to lose him too. I can't cry about it. I dont know why. I'm just not ready. It's unfair to call me and tell me how sorry you are and how things will be different but yet nothing changes. It's hypocritical. I have weird dreams that my dad comes back--my therapist thinks he will but i tell people that he died. because he did right? He died to me. He cut me out of his life as if i didn't matter or have feelings of my own. that's not what fathers do. it just hurts..but these are the things i don't think about.

Tomorrow I have alot to do. I have to wake up and go to the administration building 210 and get my transcripts, then fill out a few applications for westminster and submit the packet to the my advisor in the study abroad building. I wish i would have done this earlier but time crept up on me. I also had a pointless meaning with Professor Epstein today, feeling like HELL i might add. he basically told me to troppe track..I was like--"obviously"...he doesn't think highly of me and i can sense it, i definitely have alot of slack to make up for with this paper--i just need the motivation. I just feel defeated in everything; it's weird. but it's up to me.

Me and my bag of problems

there are two kinds of people:

the first are the people who listen to you and really truly care

the second are the people who listen to you half-heartedly and are thinking "thank god that's not me."

What sucks is the fact that i didn't take my Lexapro today, i hate it so much. It makes me feel like i just got tranq darted or something, absolutely sedated and really really nauseated. So I didn't want to take it and it's funny that I totally and utterly fall apart. I thought it was maybe worse to be so out of it all the time, but I really just can't cry anymore. It comes in waves, and it just rushes over me and I feel like I can't stand. So i'm going to take it, for this month, like i'm prescribed. I'm only taking half doses because my body responds to it so oddly. you're not supposed to mix it with alcohol or anything, and i just really couldn't help myself. I didn't want to feel even more isolated from everybody by being like "sweet, party..get away from me drunk assholes" lol.

It's hard enough to be there..now with things, the last thing I want is to FEEL even more like an oddball. It's not that drinking is normal but it's normal for ME on a weekend, with my friends, in moderation. It was just nice to feel something other than sadness/anger. Allison and I were going to smoke after our run; but we didn't, i guess i'm glad because i don't want to turn to it but i feel like it's the only thing that'll relax me. I can't meet with my therapist til next monday, what is the point of having one when you need to meet with them and they can't? It's just such a stupid cycle. Everything that has gone wrong is in the past, it's already happened. it's over and i feel like i missed out on everything; I don't want to feel so blah anymore. I don't want to TALK about my issues--it's pointless really, sorry is the most overused word in the dictionary. besides like. sorry doesn't get me anywhere, it just makes the person saying it feel like they fulfilled their obligation. i think people should say.."Why don't you..." or "What are you doing to get beyond it?" i know that's alot to ask and that majority of the world doesn't know what to say, but if i don't know what to say and you dont know what to say then what is the point of talking about it? I just want to learn how to "frame" it to make it less stressful. to look at it from a new and bolder perspective. it's just tough.