i have soooo much going on right now. I just finished studying for my midterm after a review session, met up with my baby and max to see the new beautiful house, i'm so excited for them. I adore everyone he is living with and i'm sure it'll be a good time for them..i know how much living with my bestfriends has meant to me it's definitely a great experience once you figure out the kinks. Jamie and Reba came and then i had to go... and now i'm sitting in my bath towel (for like the last hour) not wanting to read Victorian Poetry for tomorrow. I also have to print out my paper..ugh i'm just like over school right now. The worst of it is I have to go to work tomorrow night and probably close, and then work again on friday. The only upside is my doctors appointment tomorrow..i hope they fix me I really want to run i feel dis-gus-ting when I can't run.
I also realized today how much drama people are--worry about your own life and try not to create drama in someone else's, it's so ridiculous. People like that need more to do than waste their time talking about other people. Luckily Amy made me realize that it's not even worth it to bother and that there are more important things going on then people being retarded. I just think back to highschool and I have to laugh because alot of people I know now have not matured beyond that level, where gossiping about a random person's personal life was funny, like reading a magazine, without taking time to actually realize what you are saying. IDK Yesterday the roomies were talking about how cool it would be if our lives were a reality show and the more i think about it the more i treasure my privacy
could you imagine being followed with a camera everywhere you went or for poor "Newlyweds" basically a filming of the termination of your marriage? Depressing to say the least. Maybe i'm not any better than the people who get under my skin because I read about celebrities standing in line at the grocery store and formulate stupid opinions and judgments when majority of the pictures are taken out of context or blatant lies. oh no, i am the paparazzi! haha jk, alright well I feel better after venting in my journal, wish me luck on the test...s.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
it's just crazy
I feel knotted and perspicacious. Hit by a bus of emotional turmoil. Saturday nite when we were leaving the movie and i looked at my missed calls, seeing my moms number I just had a feeling. it's amazing the power of intuition, I listened to my voicemail and low and behold Lenna was given 3 days to live. How can someone dictate an amount of time on a human life like they are some kind of statistic? It's so cold and distant.
I called my mom on Sunday and my grandma was going to see Lenna as well..suddenly things were becoming more and more real. I just still can't believe it. Each tear that falls seems like a dream or more so a nightmare. I feel like i'm under water and just can't break through the surface to breathe easy. I've cried and talked so much that almost feel like i have nothing else to say or I don't know where to begin. I guess i'm just exhausted..emotionally. School seems irrelevant. least of my worries, for once.
It's just crazy how things get put into perspective. I'm standing outside british lit, midterm grades being passed out, and i can't even see straight trying to hold it together on the phone with my mom for long enough to catch my breath, you just want to disappear so people don't stare at you or so you don't have to explain and just run in the opposite direction and rewind life. All i can think about is her silver ring sitting on my desk and not on her finger--i shouldn't have it. I know that in a few years i'll be so happy to have it and truly treasure it, but right now I'm just so embittered because three days ago i was writing her a thank you letter telling her how much I admired her and how much she meant to me and how much it meant to entrust me with her jewelry..I don't even know if she got it and it's killing me. i KNEW something was wrong this morning. The news was saying how it was the first day of spring and all I could think about was Lenna..then i call and mom asks "Where are you"
whenever anyone in your life asks "where you are" something very very very terrible is about to unfold, it looms large..until the preceding bus hits you.
I'm so grateful, but not..it's so cliche to say that she passed in her sleep, she was back in her home from the hospice and she had my grandma and mom with her...but i want her back. I feel like I missed out on a bond that i really am ready for now..i'm old enough to not only be her niece but her friend too and she got ripped away from me within a week--i just want to keel over and caterwaul. i'm just angry and sad and everything i can't express in words, it's like a constant lump in your throat that you're desperate to push down for just enough time to feel relief that never recedes and chokes up every chance it can get, for instance sobbing down 6th st all the way into your apartment and then into the arms of your roomates. Thank god for my bestfriends. I come home, wiping tears up the stairs, and sopko is showing off a disgusting bruise and i'm trying not to cry and then all at once i look at amy and it's just an ocean of tears...when will it stop?? I just hope she got my letter..I just thought she'd be reading it and we'd be corresponding and she'd see that i'm dedicated to my studies and not an immature hellion that ruined her parisian sofa but someone who adores her and admires her for all her achievements and gift of grace and class and someone that i just wanted to know and have know me.
this just doesn't seem real, i went over to jamie's and we ended up like crying together about losing people really close to us and it's just so HARD. It doesn't seem to ever get easier or less painful; erin said she still can't put up pictures of her & her grandmother. I still think that what jamie and erin go through is unfathomable to me, just like i'm sure it's hard to understand what i'm going through--but nonetheless they're all so amazing i'm unimaginably grateful for them listening and just being there for me...i'm really really lucky and i know it right now, like amy gave me so much great advice yesterday and eric made me feel quiet inside for awhile..it's just UGH because i know this is something i have to dig through the mud to clear my path, and sometimes it'll falter and like an avalanche i'll be covered..but i guess like all things it just a moment and this time will pass.
I wish i could have heard more stories..learned more..listened more..been there more..rolled my eyes less, matured quicker, and appreciated faster. I don't think i know what heart ache was until THIS moment, my chest is churning and my eyes hurt and i feel an infinite amount of different emotions, shame and guilt for not being more appreciating of her when she was with me..drudging writing a letter or talking to her on the phone..god i wish i could rewind time and just magically instill myself with the maturity and gratitude i have now. i'm still learning and i'm absorbing life like a sponge--i never thought she wouldn't be here for *THIS* moment and time in my life like she was for troy, the time when i need her guidance most b/c i'm so lost in a sea of my peers and scared that i'm not good enough. I called my mom again and told her about saturday nite and grieving and then told her about my "Sign"..this is weird but since my family is so literary and all about reading..when i finally got to eric's dorm and he looked at my midterm which i had already forgotten about, we realized that I had gotten an A on the midterm from hell for my english class..An A..i'm still in disbelief, my teacher wrote "Excellent! A pleasure to read" on my midterm..and all i could think about was "Lenna would be proud of me" for the first time I felt like I had accomplished something and I really felt it..it's so stupid b/c it's a test but it represents so much more to me that i'm not a total loser in the english major and that I do have some amount of talent...my mom told me that she was always proud of me which hasn't sunk in yet..i'm still struggling with it and then my grandma, always knowing what to say, reminded me that they are always proud of me, not because of my A's...i just feel like everything i've done is stupid and trivial compared to what i wanted to show lenna what i can do--troy was in spain, mexico, london, and now an English Professor in Columbia...he's 23. they talked all the time and i just didn't get to make her genuinely proud of me..god i just can't get her voice out of my head that saturday..it's the most unnerving thing to have someone telling you their last wishes when all you want to do is hang up so they dont say GOODBYE to you. I really wanted to believe that she would get better when she got home..i just want to talk to her and tell her all of this and more than anything i want to make something of myself so i don't let her down. ee cummings..coincidence..i think he just knew everything..like lenna, so this poem is fitting
Now i lay(with everywhere around)
me(the great dim deep sound
of rain;and of always and of nowhere)and
what a gently welcoming darkestness--
now i lay me down(in a most steep
more than music)feeling that sunlight is
(life and day are)only loaned:whereas
night is given(night and death and the rain
are given;and given is how beautifully snow)
now i lay me down to dream of(nothing
i or any somebody or you
can begin to begin to imagine)
something which nobody may keep.
now i lay me down to dream of Spring
I called my mom on Sunday and my grandma was going to see Lenna as well..suddenly things were becoming more and more real. I just still can't believe it. Each tear that falls seems like a dream or more so a nightmare. I feel like i'm under water and just can't break through the surface to breathe easy. I've cried and talked so much that almost feel like i have nothing else to say or I don't know where to begin. I guess i'm just exhausted..emotionally. School seems irrelevant. least of my worries, for once.
It's just crazy how things get put into perspective. I'm standing outside british lit, midterm grades being passed out, and i can't even see straight trying to hold it together on the phone with my mom for long enough to catch my breath, you just want to disappear so people don't stare at you or so you don't have to explain and just run in the opposite direction and rewind life. All i can think about is her silver ring sitting on my desk and not on her finger--i shouldn't have it. I know that in a few years i'll be so happy to have it and truly treasure it, but right now I'm just so embittered because three days ago i was writing her a thank you letter telling her how much I admired her and how much she meant to me and how much it meant to entrust me with her jewelry..I don't even know if she got it and it's killing me. i KNEW something was wrong this morning. The news was saying how it was the first day of spring and all I could think about was Lenna..then i call and mom asks "Where are you"
whenever anyone in your life asks "where you are" something very very very terrible is about to unfold, it looms large..until the preceding bus hits you.
I'm so grateful, but not..it's so cliche to say that she passed in her sleep, she was back in her home from the hospice and she had my grandma and mom with her...but i want her back. I feel like I missed out on a bond that i really am ready for now..i'm old enough to not only be her niece but her friend too and she got ripped away from me within a week--i just want to keel over and caterwaul. i'm just angry and sad and everything i can't express in words, it's like a constant lump in your throat that you're desperate to push down for just enough time to feel relief that never recedes and chokes up every chance it can get, for instance sobbing down 6th st all the way into your apartment and then into the arms of your roomates. Thank god for my bestfriends. I come home, wiping tears up the stairs, and sopko is showing off a disgusting bruise and i'm trying not to cry and then all at once i look at amy and it's just an ocean of tears...when will it stop?? I just hope she got my letter..I just thought she'd be reading it and we'd be corresponding and she'd see that i'm dedicated to my studies and not an immature hellion that ruined her parisian sofa but someone who adores her and admires her for all her achievements and gift of grace and class and someone that i just wanted to know and have know me.
this just doesn't seem real, i went over to jamie's and we ended up like crying together about losing people really close to us and it's just so HARD. It doesn't seem to ever get easier or less painful; erin said she still can't put up pictures of her & her grandmother. I still think that what jamie and erin go through is unfathomable to me, just like i'm sure it's hard to understand what i'm going through--but nonetheless they're all so amazing i'm unimaginably grateful for them listening and just being there for me...i'm really really lucky and i know it right now, like amy gave me so much great advice yesterday and eric made me feel quiet inside for awhile..it's just UGH because i know this is something i have to dig through the mud to clear my path, and sometimes it'll falter and like an avalanche i'll be covered..but i guess like all things it just a moment and this time will pass.
I wish i could have heard more stories..learned more..listened more..been there more..rolled my eyes less, matured quicker, and appreciated faster. I don't think i know what heart ache was until THIS moment, my chest is churning and my eyes hurt and i feel an infinite amount of different emotions, shame and guilt for not being more appreciating of her when she was with me..drudging writing a letter or talking to her on the phone..god i wish i could rewind time and just magically instill myself with the maturity and gratitude i have now. i'm still learning and i'm absorbing life like a sponge--i never thought she wouldn't be here for *THIS* moment and time in my life like she was for troy, the time when i need her guidance most b/c i'm so lost in a sea of my peers and scared that i'm not good enough. I called my mom again and told her about saturday nite and grieving and then told her about my "Sign"..this is weird but since my family is so literary and all about reading..when i finally got to eric's dorm and he looked at my midterm which i had already forgotten about, we realized that I had gotten an A on the midterm from hell for my english class..An A..i'm still in disbelief, my teacher wrote "Excellent! A pleasure to read" on my midterm..and all i could think about was "Lenna would be proud of me" for the first time I felt like I had accomplished something and I really felt it..it's so stupid b/c it's a test but it represents so much more to me that i'm not a total loser in the english major and that I do have some amount of talent...my mom told me that she was always proud of me which hasn't sunk in yet..i'm still struggling with it and then my grandma, always knowing what to say, reminded me that they are always proud of me, not because of my A's...i just feel like everything i've done is stupid and trivial compared to what i wanted to show lenna what i can do--troy was in spain, mexico, london, and now an English Professor in Columbia...he's 23. they talked all the time and i just didn't get to make her genuinely proud of me..god i just can't get her voice out of my head that saturday..it's the most unnerving thing to have someone telling you their last wishes when all you want to do is hang up so they dont say GOODBYE to you. I really wanted to believe that she would get better when she got home..i just want to talk to her and tell her all of this and more than anything i want to make something of myself so i don't let her down. ee cummings..coincidence..i think he just knew everything..like lenna, so this poem is fitting
Now i lay(with everywhere around)
me(the great dim deep sound
of rain;and of always and of nowhere)and
what a gently welcoming darkestness--
now i lay me down(in a most steep
more than music)feeling that sunlight is
(life and day are)only loaned:whereas
night is given(night and death and the rain
are given;and given is how beautifully snow)
now i lay me down to dream of(nothing
i or any somebody or you
can begin to begin to imagine)
something which nobody may keep.
now i lay me down to dream of Spring
Monday, January 2, 2006
"in the holiday spirit"
So i did the whole family new years day barbeque thing; and it was definitely worth the immense entertainment. Jeff was armed and ready with a fire extinguisher and goggles when he was frying the turkey at 350 degrees exactly for 50 minutes, meanwhile i sat comfortably with my feet in the spa warmed by the heat lamp. The turkey was incredible coincided with my mom's potato salad, deviled eggs, stuffing, and rolls. mmm mm yummy.
After that i came home and met up with Bri, starbucks wasn't closed so i tried the chai eggnog latte, going with the whole "in the holiday spirit" and it was actually very tasty. I love that our relationship never changes, brian is always just himself which is so comical and so opposite of me in very man ways--he's level headed and logical, also kind of macho haha, but it's great. He's doing the police academy right now so i've got to watch my speed in the neighborhood b/c he told me he would pepper spray me, hand cuff me, and take me downtown. That would probably be the most hilarious site ever ever ever. i would die, for sure. but yeah anyways after that we went to his house and i got to talk to his parents about spring break and maybe doing rocky pointe, his dad is so cute he was like "well, it's gets crazy down there for spring break and i wouldn't let my daughter go" idk i'm just nervous about doing spring break where i dont know the hotels or deals or anything, i just dont want to get screwed. But whatever it'll work out. just cross your fingers it all works out.
Btw, zach man got his xbox 360 idk if i already wrote about it but today i played project gotham 3 on xbox live and whooped ass, i got 1st place . I dont know if you know this, but i'm kind of a big deal. we played a couple more games earlier today and then my mom and i ran some errands prior to the bbq...
Troy still isn't home from being out with my dad and i was telling bri's family about his moving to Florida and wanting to stay in Miami...idk he was like "that's a big move, completely across the country" and like all decisions, i really don't understand the point but they reminded me of the great golf courses in florida, better than tahoe i guess lol, but whatever...i still have alot to muddle through.
After that i came home and met up with Bri, starbucks wasn't closed so i tried the chai eggnog latte, going with the whole "in the holiday spirit" and it was actually very tasty. I love that our relationship never changes, brian is always just himself which is so comical and so opposite of me in very man ways--he's level headed and logical, also kind of macho haha, but it's great. He's doing the police academy right now so i've got to watch my speed in the neighborhood b/c he told me he would pepper spray me, hand cuff me, and take me downtown. That would probably be the most hilarious site ever ever ever. i would die, for sure. but yeah anyways after that we went to his house and i got to talk to his parents about spring break and maybe doing rocky pointe, his dad is so cute he was like "well, it's gets crazy down there for spring break and i wouldn't let my daughter go" idk i'm just nervous about doing spring break where i dont know the hotels or deals or anything, i just dont want to get screwed. But whatever it'll work out. just cross your fingers it all works out.
Btw, zach man got his xbox 360 idk if i already wrote about it but today i played project gotham 3 on xbox live and whooped ass, i got 1st place . I dont know if you know this, but i'm kind of a big deal. we played a couple more games earlier today and then my mom and i ran some errands prior to the bbq...
Troy still isn't home from being out with my dad and i was telling bri's family about his moving to Florida and wanting to stay in Miami...idk he was like "that's a big move, completely across the country" and like all decisions, i really don't understand the point but they reminded me of the great golf courses in florida, better than tahoe i guess lol, but whatever...i still have alot to muddle through.
Sunday, January 1, 2006
is it a gender thing?
I'm seriously so baffled right now. My brother's belongings have infiltrated the den and i honestly feel like i dont know him. How can someone be so booksmart, but so blatantly stupid when it comes to relationships? My dad has the audacity to send me an email with the dates that he'll be in town, and i quote "maybe we could get dinner on the 1st b/c i miss you guys." So how does that correlate with coming to get my brother at 3pm today? Dinner..3...sorry not seeing it.
The really unnerving aspect of this is that my brother pretty much laughed in my mom's face, he sat glaring at her over a can of dr. pepper like everything she was saying was superfluous and un-necessary, all he said was "the drama level in this house appears to be high" all sarcastically. My mom didn't yell at him at all, she was very calm and said "i'm sure george and jeff wont be offended b/c their very gracious, but i'm offended. I'm offended because we had family plans that are once again being subsided because of your dad, i think your dad is just as in the wrong as you are." He just doesn't think it's a big deal. Is this like a gender thing? i'm siding with my mom b/c i'm a girl and my brother sides with my dad because he's a guy..i really don't know. it just really makes me sad that my brother doesn't see how disrespectful my dad is to my mom--he didn't even call her to communicate his intentions or plans or anything.
they are soooo disfunctional, unfortunately it's now created tension between my brother and i.
I called eric to get his input whether or not i should go or if i should stick it out with my plans, and he was just as ify as i was. it really...i guess just sucks that no one knows my position or my situation. I couldn't think of anyone to call about this, nor do i particularly want to unravel all my emotional baggage on anyone else. Does that make sense?
When i got off the phone with eric i was like..oh great i'm the lame ass needy girlfriend, i dont want to call anyone for help. And i found myself worrying about what he thought of me now. I feel embarrassed when i need support from people, i dont want anyone to feel sorry for me but at the same time i'm so desperate to find someone to show me the way or tell me what to do because i dont know and i'm just so unbelievably overwhelmed all the time. i dont think eric sees the anxiety i've been feeling, not doing a comparison, this is separate but it's so crappy that garrett and i aren't like good friends now, the good thing about us like just knowing eachother is that we were so supportive and helpful to eachother in areas like this because with as much parental drama as i have he could relate and put himself in my shoes and we didn't judge eachother or look down on the other or see them as weaker b/c of their problems...it's exactly that problems not the person.
I think it's really eating me up that i'm alone in this, i've got no one to put themselves in mine just for a minute. I have this knot in my stomach and lump in my throat and daily i try and cover it up by busying myself with other things; but the minute my dad appears again i feel like i'm fat and ugly and need to work out, and now i'm hiding out in the computer room so i dont start to cry. I know it's hard for anyone to relate to me though too, which sucks because i want a miracle friend to just appear and UNDERSTAND me, not listen but UNDERSTAND.
I know nobody knows my dad and what kind of person he is; my dad isn't an awful guy or anything but he's just not very loving or parental in any sort of way. I get really stuck when i think back on him teaching me how to drive , idk he's done some great things for me but he also causes an upheaval of emotional stress for me. i have been sick inside for like a week now anticipating him coming, i've tried not to cry but i dont think any of my friends or even my mom understands how much it hurts me to talk about him or deal with the situation; i just dont know how to act. I've been really apathetic in dealing with it or downplaying my discontentment, but at some point i just want to let it go and have someone tell me it's okay to cry and it's okay to be bitter and that i dont need to feel less than i am b/c my dad doesn't view me as a real person. It sucks, a couple weeks ago when i got the email i started crying, trying to be quiet so my roomates wouldn't hear and all i wanted to do was going in to amy's room and just sob and just have someone to help me get through it but i started to stand up and walk to the door and i ended up shutting it b/c i didnt know how she would react; i dont know even where i would have began, you can't just show up in someone's room crying and blubbering. i just can't let myself reach out because honestly i dont think anybody else would see why it's so hard on me? idk maybe nobody can help me, maybe it's just part of growing up. Why can't i just feel confident in myself and find myself and just KNOW what to do. but i dont know what to do, i dont know if i'm in the wrong and just have skewed vision because of my mom's perspective and her opinion on things.
I don't want to dislike my dad..you only get one, and i just feel so angry that the one i got causes a tornado wherever he goes or with whatever he touches.
I feel like i've had a wrecking ball hanging in my body for years and it's just been cracking my insides until all i want to do is cover it all up, bury it under mounds and mounds--i'm tired of having something in my life affecting me ALL THE TIME that i can't control. I get so pissed when people are like "Woe is me, feel sorry for me" on a topic that they can't change, the advice i've given is that you can only change how you react to things and im digging and digging to find a way to react differently and feel different. for the first time in my life i need space.
I want to get away from everyone. i dont want to talk to anyone, shut out anybody and everybody, go find a secluded spot on the golf course and just think..think until i can't think anymore and write until no stone is unturned. i miss waking up in the morning and not feeling burdened, i want to wake up and feel at peace with myself...i just dont know if i can honestly get my hands dirty and deal with it, confront it head on and relieve myself of every weight i have put on myself--i'm just tired.
The really unnerving aspect of this is that my brother pretty much laughed in my mom's face, he sat glaring at her over a can of dr. pepper like everything she was saying was superfluous and un-necessary, all he said was "the drama level in this house appears to be high" all sarcastically. My mom didn't yell at him at all, she was very calm and said "i'm sure george and jeff wont be offended b/c their very gracious, but i'm offended. I'm offended because we had family plans that are once again being subsided because of your dad, i think your dad is just as in the wrong as you are." He just doesn't think it's a big deal. Is this like a gender thing? i'm siding with my mom b/c i'm a girl and my brother sides with my dad because he's a guy..i really don't know. it just really makes me sad that my brother doesn't see how disrespectful my dad is to my mom--he didn't even call her to communicate his intentions or plans or anything.
they are soooo disfunctional, unfortunately it's now created tension between my brother and i.
I called eric to get his input whether or not i should go or if i should stick it out with my plans, and he was just as ify as i was. it really...i guess just sucks that no one knows my position or my situation. I couldn't think of anyone to call about this, nor do i particularly want to unravel all my emotional baggage on anyone else. Does that make sense?
When i got off the phone with eric i was like..oh great i'm the lame ass needy girlfriend, i dont want to call anyone for help. And i found myself worrying about what he thought of me now. I feel embarrassed when i need support from people, i dont want anyone to feel sorry for me but at the same time i'm so desperate to find someone to show me the way or tell me what to do because i dont know and i'm just so unbelievably overwhelmed all the time. i dont think eric sees the anxiety i've been feeling, not doing a comparison, this is separate but it's so crappy that garrett and i aren't like good friends now, the good thing about us like just knowing eachother is that we were so supportive and helpful to eachother in areas like this because with as much parental drama as i have he could relate and put himself in my shoes and we didn't judge eachother or look down on the other or see them as weaker b/c of their problems...it's exactly that problems not the person.
I think it's really eating me up that i'm alone in this, i've got no one to put themselves in mine just for a minute. I have this knot in my stomach and lump in my throat and daily i try and cover it up by busying myself with other things; but the minute my dad appears again i feel like i'm fat and ugly and need to work out, and now i'm hiding out in the computer room so i dont start to cry. I know it's hard for anyone to relate to me though too, which sucks because i want a miracle friend to just appear and UNDERSTAND me, not listen but UNDERSTAND.
I know nobody knows my dad and what kind of person he is; my dad isn't an awful guy or anything but he's just not very loving or parental in any sort of way. I get really stuck when i think back on him teaching me how to drive , idk he's done some great things for me but he also causes an upheaval of emotional stress for me. i have been sick inside for like a week now anticipating him coming, i've tried not to cry but i dont think any of my friends or even my mom understands how much it hurts me to talk about him or deal with the situation; i just dont know how to act. I've been really apathetic in dealing with it or downplaying my discontentment, but at some point i just want to let it go and have someone tell me it's okay to cry and it's okay to be bitter and that i dont need to feel less than i am b/c my dad doesn't view me as a real person. It sucks, a couple weeks ago when i got the email i started crying, trying to be quiet so my roomates wouldn't hear and all i wanted to do was going in to amy's room and just sob and just have someone to help me get through it but i started to stand up and walk to the door and i ended up shutting it b/c i didnt know how she would react; i dont know even where i would have began, you can't just show up in someone's room crying and blubbering. i just can't let myself reach out because honestly i dont think anybody else would see why it's so hard on me? idk maybe nobody can help me, maybe it's just part of growing up. Why can't i just feel confident in myself and find myself and just KNOW what to do. but i dont know what to do, i dont know if i'm in the wrong and just have skewed vision because of my mom's perspective and her opinion on things.
I don't want to dislike my dad..you only get one, and i just feel so angry that the one i got causes a tornado wherever he goes or with whatever he touches.
I feel like i've had a wrecking ball hanging in my body for years and it's just been cracking my insides until all i want to do is cover it all up, bury it under mounds and mounds--i'm tired of having something in my life affecting me ALL THE TIME that i can't control. I get so pissed when people are like "Woe is me, feel sorry for me" on a topic that they can't change, the advice i've given is that you can only change how you react to things and im digging and digging to find a way to react differently and feel different. for the first time in my life i need space.
I want to get away from everyone. i dont want to talk to anyone, shut out anybody and everybody, go find a secluded spot on the golf course and just think..think until i can't think anymore and write until no stone is unturned. i miss waking up in the morning and not feeling burdened, i want to wake up and feel at peace with myself...i just dont know if i can honestly get my hands dirty and deal with it, confront it head on and relieve myself of every weight i have put on myself--i'm just tired.
Friday, December 30, 2005
the dentist...dun dun dun
Alright..i have a grudge against the dentist starting today. Before, i didn't really like going to the dentist because they always make me feel so guilty, but today as i trudge in my pajamas to the little room with scary sharp pointing objects, i felt my pulse quicken and my face get red, "Have you been flossing everyday"..insert huge gulp here..okay so i tried to lie "yeah..everyday" and then.."alright, like every other day" and then before i know out the confessions start coming out of me like no tomorrow, "i've also started drinking soda. lots of soda. i'm just so tired lately"..and then "okay and i'm also addicted to coffee, idk when it happened i've just become dependant on it, even mid afternoon, i just need that edge. it's like if i dont have a cup, im sleeping, i'm like a zombie." and then i felt like it was a sauna,i was burning up, i wanted to take off my hoodie but i was still wearing my pajama shirt underneath and felt i was already conspicuous enough for showing up 5 minutes late and looking like i just rolled out of bed..because I HAD--i felt like they hated me for being late, i've been showing up on time for years and then i roll out of bed and go..i did brush my teeth though--you should never go to the dentist without just brushing your teeth.
Anywhodiddilysquat, then after the woman i refer to as SATAN finished brutalizing my mouth and jaw, Dr. Faulk came in and i get so worried that im going to call him "Dr. Fuck" which would be unbelievably awkward, but anyways he always interrogates me about school and he was so happy to know i got all A's, but then the questions started "so what are you going to do with your double major?" "what have your classes been like" and then of course the follow up on my older brother, "did he make it home for xmas from Colombia?" but then our conversation moved on to the local news anchors that work out at my gym and go to him for dentistry, weather girls in the house! lol jk lame. but yeah one lady takes the swimming class...very exciting, what is it called? Aqua robics or something lame like that.. i have the schedule hanging up from my billboard, that's when you know you've got an addictive gym problem, you have schedules hanging up in your room.
Well anyways, after recuperating sufficientaly mini me and i went to the gym, starting next week it's all about the raquetball baby....im so scared about getting hit by it again, the last time i played with garrett i got hit in the face twice and had massive welts all over my body (alright, less exaggeratively, on my hip and ass) that time i also threw down my raquet and almost punched him in the face lol--it HURT! So yeah, Zach man even has the goggles...jeeez-us. But i did 3 miles and then on the last mile i added incline which really changes breathing and heartrate, just by upping my incline my heartrate went from 185 to 191. And then i got to my hamstrings, which don't feel tight at all anymore so hopefully i just overdid it last time, i just love the medicine balls on ab so much, when i finished 100 with the 10lb medicine ball on incline bench i felt accomplished i like leaving the gym all sweaty and gross, i know i worked hard.
I should really go to bed though b/c i have to take zeusy pooh to the groomers, he won't be getting a haircut though..poor rat dog. he has a lion cut and it's just awful, his beautiful orange furr is gone. he's bald minus his tail and mane. Atleast he won't shed all over my black interior. I wish i could video taking my dog to the groomer, it's hilarious. he's like jumping all over the place in my car b/c he loves to go for rides, then the approach to the front of the groomer from the parking lot is hilarious he does his 4 legged dance and marks each tree and then when i open the door he goes dead dog and i have to carry him in so his collar doesn't fall off, trust me a 40lb chow is heavier than you think. And then i sit with him for like 10 minutes b/c im afraid to leave him, i feel like a mom leaving her kid for school for the first time; i will so not be good at that. I cry whenever i say goodbye, i just get overwhelmed with sadness, thank god i'm not as mushy gushy as my mother who cries in every single movie, you can be sure she'll find a part in the movie to cry; even in wedding crashers she could make it happen.
Oh dear... my pajama pants are PINK, they are like hot and pale pink..ridiculous. i look like a barbie doll that got hit by the pink truck. i should go snowboarding in these pajama pants with a pink boa...too hot. oh i can't wait for the snow, i can't wait for the snow, i can't wait for the snow!! But even better i can't wait for my baby to come hooooooome, or i guess back to tucson if you could consider a homeless cult like tucson a home..but ANYWAYS i just miss him so much, luckily we've gotten really good at talking on the phone...i dont think i could have picked a better person to fall head over heels in love with..no words to explain. in the beginning of break, talking to jennie i was worried about being apart but i told her then, half believing it, that you need to be apart to fully appreciate what you have and it couldn't be more true, i dont think i've ever felt so close and so content in my life...i really treasure what i've got more than ever
Anywhodiddilysquat, then after the woman i refer to as SATAN finished brutalizing my mouth and jaw, Dr. Faulk came in and i get so worried that im going to call him "Dr. Fuck" which would be unbelievably awkward, but anyways he always interrogates me about school and he was so happy to know i got all A's, but then the questions started "so what are you going to do with your double major?" "what have your classes been like" and then of course the follow up on my older brother, "did he make it home for xmas from Colombia?" but then our conversation moved on to the local news anchors that work out at my gym and go to him for dentistry, weather girls in the house! lol jk lame. but yeah one lady takes the swimming class...very exciting, what is it called? Aqua robics or something lame like that.. i have the schedule hanging up from my billboard, that's when you know you've got an addictive gym problem, you have schedules hanging up in your room.
Well anyways, after recuperating sufficientaly mini me and i went to the gym, starting next week it's all about the raquetball baby....im so scared about getting hit by it again, the last time i played with garrett i got hit in the face twice and had massive welts all over my body (alright, less exaggeratively, on my hip and ass) that time i also threw down my raquet and almost punched him in the face lol--it HURT! So yeah, Zach man even has the goggles...jeeez-us. But i did 3 miles and then on the last mile i added incline which really changes breathing and heartrate, just by upping my incline my heartrate went from 185 to 191. And then i got to my hamstrings, which don't feel tight at all anymore so hopefully i just overdid it last time, i just love the medicine balls on ab so much, when i finished 100 with the 10lb medicine ball on incline bench i felt accomplished i like leaving the gym all sweaty and gross, i know i worked hard.
I should really go to bed though b/c i have to take zeusy pooh to the groomers, he won't be getting a haircut though..poor rat dog. he has a lion cut and it's just awful, his beautiful orange furr is gone. he's bald minus his tail and mane. Atleast he won't shed all over my black interior. I wish i could video taking my dog to the groomer, it's hilarious. he's like jumping all over the place in my car b/c he loves to go for rides, then the approach to the front of the groomer from the parking lot is hilarious he does his 4 legged dance and marks each tree and then when i open the door he goes dead dog and i have to carry him in so his collar doesn't fall off, trust me a 40lb chow is heavier than you think. And then i sit with him for like 10 minutes b/c im afraid to leave him, i feel like a mom leaving her kid for school for the first time; i will so not be good at that. I cry whenever i say goodbye, i just get overwhelmed with sadness, thank god i'm not as mushy gushy as my mother who cries in every single movie, you can be sure she'll find a part in the movie to cry; even in wedding crashers she could make it happen.
Oh dear... my pajama pants are PINK, they are like hot and pale pink..ridiculous. i look like a barbie doll that got hit by the pink truck. i should go snowboarding in these pajama pants with a pink boa...too hot. oh i can't wait for the snow, i can't wait for the snow, i can't wait for the snow!! But even better i can't wait for my baby to come hooooooome, or i guess back to tucson if you could consider a homeless cult like tucson a home..but ANYWAYS i just miss him so much, luckily we've gotten really good at talking on the phone...i dont think i could have picked a better person to fall head over heels in love with..no words to explain. in the beginning of break, talking to jennie i was worried about being apart but i told her then, half believing it, that you need to be apart to fully appreciate what you have and it couldn't be more true, i dont think i've ever felt so close and so content in my life...i really treasure what i've got more than ever
Friday, December 23, 2005
We don't cause drama, it follows us.
Thinking is a dangerous thing. I did alot of driving tonight, i've decided that people are in too big a hurry to get places. As i was calling erin, this crazy car almost rear ended me when i was already speeding at 85 mph--they were so close behind me that i couldn't see their headlights, i had nowhere to go because a semi was next to me i was honestly so scared that they were going to rear end me, i thought maybe it was someone i had pissed off, road rage is...ick. I can't sleep, i'm so excited for christmas that it's hard to believe it's already here. I didn't think that there was so many last minute shoppers, apparently people are more like me than i originally anticipated. I stood in the mall for HOURS it felt like, stupified by all the shops and different gift ideas; my older brother is the most difficult person to shop for BECAUSE i haven't seen him in half a year..besides that i don't know what the fashion or pop culture is like in Bogota, nor do i know if he has changed drastically like we all do in given periods of time. I was so excited to finally get to talk talk with Becky tonight (as i realized my garage door had been changed..locked out in my driveway at midnight lol) i love listening to people tell me about things, maybe that has to do with some aspect of my personality thus being an english/comm major but no matter, it's just interesting how different people's lives can be--for instance her sorority is making her come back early from break to learn a song...seriously gag me. that's why i'm not in one, i'm not really cut off for the girly oooflah, my roomies and i get ourselves into enough drama with boy as it is.
Could you imagine dealing with more girls than necessary, barf. Anyways back to the point, i think that LISTENING to people tell you about things not only gives you huge insight into their personality and what is important to them, but it also lets you know how they think, like their process of thought. Some people are flustered story tellers, like me, i jump around and remember little details and other people like erin are methodical and proceed in a logical manner; haha maybe that's why she's going into medicine and i'm a writer. My tummy hurts. so does my head; i really want to go work out tomorrow and i'm worried its going to be closed because of xmas eve, but what aobut the people who aren't catholic or don't believe in christmas?
Meanwhile, im setting out cookies for W.S Santa hoping she'll drop off some coal uggs lol, with rudolph leading the way. crap, i forgot to call sopko, i need to do that. Sometimes i think i called somebody back but in actuality i didn't...that's bad lol.
Could you imagine dealing with more girls than necessary, barf. Anyways back to the point, i think that LISTENING to people tell you about things not only gives you huge insight into their personality and what is important to them, but it also lets you know how they think, like their process of thought. Some people are flustered story tellers, like me, i jump around and remember little details and other people like erin are methodical and proceed in a logical manner; haha maybe that's why she's going into medicine and i'm a writer. My tummy hurts. so does my head; i really want to go work out tomorrow and i'm worried its going to be closed because of xmas eve, but what aobut the people who aren't catholic or don't believe in christmas?
Meanwhile, im setting out cookies for W.S Santa hoping she'll drop off some coal uggs lol, with rudolph leading the way. crap, i forgot to call sopko, i need to do that. Sometimes i think i called somebody back but in actuality i didn't...that's bad lol.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
just listening to the format
It's so quiet. Last night i was plagued by calve cramps, when taking on a 4 mile run I did not take into consideration the last mile is pretty much all uphill...aw the pain lol. Then this morning i woke up and went to work out, i was thrilled with the prospect of new exercise balls that were way oversized. I'm finishing up my christmas shopping tomorrow and scheduling a hair appointment with Juliana.
On a sadder note of things, Zach did not get his xbox 360 yet...he is still on the waiting list at Game Stop and won't get it till january 6th. It was so bizarre, my mom and i went to bestbuy with Jeff on Saturday and there were people waiting outside in line for the xbox, blankets and food and everything; do you have nothing better to do than wait in line for a material object? Go volunteer or something. IT really bothered me--the mall and stores were soooooo busy, i feel bad for jamie who is working in the mall, it was like a madhouse. Anyways, about the xobox its sucks kind of for his xmas present because i got him 2 360 games, Kameo and Gun. I love it that i spent 120 dollars on video games for a 14 year old, i also got him a new volcom backpack, shirt and some khaki shorts. oh how i love my little brother, the poor guy has been sick with the flu since eric and i got home, lol he was like a decrepit old person laying in his bed when we got there. i feel bad b/c i was giving him a hard time like "too sick to get out of bed to give your sister a hug?" lol, when in actuality he really was.
WEIRD, i just remembered watching Discovery health channel last nite before i fell asleep and this guy had been bothered by incredible stomach problems for a few months and his whole family thought he was being over dramatic with kidney stones or something--when in actuality he passed out at work and was taken to the hospital and they blamed it on a ulcer...which turned out to be CANCER. how crazy is that?
i'd be pissed at my family like, you didn't believe how awfully sick i was. It's amazing how many different illnesses there are in the world.
You know what has been a bizarre and a thought i feel slightly guilty about lately? Okay, so mass diseases happen because its a population control, or atleast hypothetically---now that we are in the 21st century with populations booming; is it possible that AIDS and Cancer are population controls? Mother nature deals with things kind of on its own terms, even in the animal world; idk but i hate that thought especially because my mom has cancer and i know several people that have loved ones that died from it. it's just a strange thought that horrible things like that could be intentional or in the grand scheme of things in the planet. Weird thoughts, alright well i'm going to go to sleep, sweet dreams to all my roomies whatever you might be up too lol.
On a sadder note of things, Zach did not get his xbox 360 yet...he is still on the waiting list at Game Stop and won't get it till january 6th. It was so bizarre, my mom and i went to bestbuy with Jeff on Saturday and there were people waiting outside in line for the xbox, blankets and food and everything; do you have nothing better to do than wait in line for a material object? Go volunteer or something. IT really bothered me--the mall and stores were soooooo busy, i feel bad for jamie who is working in the mall, it was like a madhouse. Anyways, about the xobox its sucks kind of for his xmas present because i got him 2 360 games, Kameo and Gun. I love it that i spent 120 dollars on video games for a 14 year old, i also got him a new volcom backpack, shirt and some khaki shorts. oh how i love my little brother, the poor guy has been sick with the flu since eric and i got home, lol he was like a decrepit old person laying in his bed when we got there. i feel bad b/c i was giving him a hard time like "too sick to get out of bed to give your sister a hug?" lol, when in actuality he really was.
WEIRD, i just remembered watching Discovery health channel last nite before i fell asleep and this guy had been bothered by incredible stomach problems for a few months and his whole family thought he was being over dramatic with kidney stones or something--when in actuality he passed out at work and was taken to the hospital and they blamed it on a ulcer...which turned out to be CANCER. how crazy is that?
i'd be pissed at my family like, you didn't believe how awfully sick i was. It's amazing how many different illnesses there are in the world.
You know what has been a bizarre and a thought i feel slightly guilty about lately? Okay, so mass diseases happen because its a population control, or atleast hypothetically---now that we are in the 21st century with populations booming; is it possible that AIDS and Cancer are population controls? Mother nature deals with things kind of on its own terms, even in the animal world; idk but i hate that thought especially because my mom has cancer and i know several people that have loved ones that died from it. it's just a strange thought that horrible things like that could be intentional or in the grand scheme of things in the planet. Weird thoughts, alright well i'm going to go to sleep, sweet dreams to all my roomies whatever you might be up too lol.
Friday, December 16, 2005
TOODLES TUCSON!!
SEE YA TUCSON!!
Love my friends here, but hate the city where helen keller is alive and driving.
Somewhere in the distance i picture soppy speeding off honking her horn and side swiping people on her way out of the city lol.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" those were the words as my zombie arm outstretched, a glare twisting my face, and pushed my alarm off. I scowled around for a good two minutes, looking at the darkness filtrating my window...it's too early. My eyes were puffed even after 2 cups of coffee. i'm an animal. lol jk. ames turned every one of my roomies onto coffee, i just dont know what'll happen to us when we start going through caffeine withdrawals. Anyways, eric and i are driving to my house today...im so excited to just mellow out. I'll miss my roomies though!! But i can't believe xmas is a week away. hooray. white supremist santa might be coming down your chimney---picture ames in a white UA hoodie, black spandex tucked seriously into her uggs, with her little glasses on. WHITE SUPREMIST SANTA!! haha i love it. We will also start an apartment war when we get back, i dislike the girls diagonal from us who ratted on us for having a party--you suck. but we'll get them back. they are so socially awkward, ebaby and i were going up the stairs and i was like "hey" to them and they didn't say anything back--it was obvious i was talking to them, it's happened time and time again. sorry you're retarded and can't be congenial...now you will suffer the consequences for busting up our party. bitch. white supremist santa will give you a lump of coal uggs for christmas.
Love my friends here, but hate the city where helen keller is alive and driving.
Somewhere in the distance i picture soppy speeding off honking her horn and side swiping people on her way out of the city lol.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" those were the words as my zombie arm outstretched, a glare twisting my face, and pushed my alarm off. I scowled around for a good two minutes, looking at the darkness filtrating my window...it's too early. My eyes were puffed even after 2 cups of coffee. i'm an animal. lol jk. ames turned every one of my roomies onto coffee, i just dont know what'll happen to us when we start going through caffeine withdrawals. Anyways, eric and i are driving to my house today...im so excited to just mellow out. I'll miss my roomies though!! But i can't believe xmas is a week away. hooray. white supremist santa might be coming down your chimney---picture ames in a white UA hoodie, black spandex tucked seriously into her uggs, with her little glasses on. WHITE SUPREMIST SANTA!! haha i love it. We will also start an apartment war when we get back, i dislike the girls diagonal from us who ratted on us for having a party--you suck. but we'll get them back. they are so socially awkward, ebaby and i were going up the stairs and i was like "hey" to them and they didn't say anything back--it was obvious i was talking to them, it's happened time and time again. sorry you're retarded and can't be congenial...now you will suffer the consequences for busting up our party. bitch. white supremist santa will give you a lump of coal uggs for christmas.
Tuesday, December 6, 2005
im a freak
Shit, i was all excited to write in my journal and then i realized i have one shoe still on. who does that? literally, i untied my right shoe, took it off and was like "Ah" insert sigh of relief here...but stupidly left my left shoe on (awkward sentence much) AND not to mention i'm still in my jeans, long sleeve shirt, and football jersey. i've had an interesting night. lets do in rewind. so i just took off my right shoe, browsed facebook b/c what else are you going to do to unwind at 12:55 at night after working, sprinted from my car while on the phone with eric, called eric back, ran to my car from Rusty's under the advice of Adrian, oh this is so boring i'm stopping. Tonight my name was "Amanda" because i forgot my nametag, and Gino had a bitchfit b/c of it..but it's like so what now i'm going under different alias' at work? can we say psychotic server? and also, the seahawks dominated the eagles.. (miz a big fat loser that means) so that was pathetic. I also ate some bbq wings, popcorn shrimp, and indulged in a hot chocolate..mm winter. Tomorrow i have to argue my research paper..and im scared.
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