I wish I lived in a fairy tale.

“Obsessed by a fairy tale, we spend our lives searching for a magic door and a lost kingdom of peace.”

When I was a little girl, I spent hours reading all about faraway lands and great romances.  I watched Disney movies--everything always worked out; life's troubles were tucked away neatly in a drawer.   I have always lived in an alternate reality.  I chose to whirl away any problems by wearing a pink tutu and red patent leather shoes.  I'd read the fairy-tales I loved to my tea parties, perched happily in my little red chair.  These fairy-tales were what I thought awaited me in real life.  What a disappointment. 

At 23, I'm starting to realize that maybe there is no great love story waiting beyond the horizon.  Maybe there is no Prince Charming on a white horse.  I write this in regret.  I have always wanted to believe that there would be someone out there who would fall madly in love with me, protect me from all the evils of the world, and treat me like a Princess.  I don't think I'll ever get a crown, except as a joke on my birthday.   I will be blowing out my 24th candle as a princess realist.  Sigh.

Now it seems as if I'm hoping there will be someone, not to fall madly in love with me, but merely to tolerate me.  Despite being far from perfect, I clung to the thought that someone would love everything about me.  This, does not seem attainable.  

If it's not what I'm doing wrong, it's what's wrong with me.  Lately, I am so uncomfortable in my own skin; how did I let that happen?  The most unattractive quality in a person is low self-esteem.   This is what I seem to be most comfortable wearing lately-- the label of insecure.  I keep wondering what I could change to be more desirable.  I haven't felt sexy in forever.  I never thought I would not feel sexy.   Being sexy is as natural to most women as drinking water; it's just something women are born with.  I hate that I'm writing this.  I could confess how I went and got my hair highlighted to be more appealing to my boyfriend, that I'm working out more to make sure my body looks appealing, that I no longer feel "attractive" without my hair done and make up on, but it would all be pointless.  I never thought that I would not be sexy to my boyfriend.  It's really been eating away at me.  If I close my eyes really tight, will I wake up with my fairy godmother waving a wand, making it all magically better? 

I wish I lived in a fairy tale. 

I don't know when I became the type of woman to let a man determine her worth.  That is not who I want to be.  I know I should look myself in the mirror and realize that I am beautiful.  That I am special.  Maybe if I own my sex appeal, I can break the spell of being "undesirable."  Women need romance.  Women need candlelit dinners, roses, and walks on the beach.

Scratch that, I need candlelit dinners, roses, and walks on the beach under the stars.  I have never had a man prepare a romantic dinner for two, with wine and flowers.   I have never had a rose petal covered bed.  I want those things.  I used to scoff at cliche gestures, now I think they are endearing.  They are what keep the flames going in a relationship.  Without flames... you just have ash.

I don't know what's going on in my relationship.  Although some things are dead on, other comments just seem off.  Sometimes I feel as if he is saying "Oh no...that could be too serious...let me draw a line in the sand." For instance, the other day he was talking about how I would rearrange our house furniture non-stop...and then today he was talking about how if we went to Chile together we could do a program where you live with a family.  Why, at age 24 going on 25, would I want to live with a host family for 8 months when I could be having a romantic adventure with my boyfriend?  It left a bitter taste in my mouth.  I thought it was an adventure we would go on as a couple, not as individuals.  It's many little things like that.  When, if ever, does "he" and "I" become an honest, happy we?  I feel like I am plagued by the temporary "we."  Sometimes we talk about the future with such certainty, and then other times I feel as if it is an "every man for himself" type of situation.

If you don't want there to be a "we," or if you don't plan on there being a "we," just let me know.

 It's funny to me, because you've pinned me down as a woman--typical of her age group--dying to get married.  I don't want to be married.  I don't even know if I really believe in marriage.   The reason I don't believe in marriage is because I've never had someone be sure about me.  Without someone believing in me, how can I believe in happily ever after?  It really is funny.  One of my best friends said tonight that I never seem to take relationships seriously.  Yet, sometimes I really believe that you think I'm desperate.  Writing this, it hit me, even now, I don't think that you believe in me..in us.  In December, if someone would have asked me if you were "the one," I would have glowed--covered head to toe in love.

 Let me know so that I can plan my trip to South America without you being a factor.  Let me know so that I can  do all the selfish things I want to on a day to day basis, but don't because spending time with you should be more important. Let me know so that I don't buy a ticket going to visit your family when you don't even understand that taking the trip together, flying over together, is a significant moment for me.  Let me know so that I don't spend my time at your place, totally out of my element.  I've never had to live out of a suitcase, and I hate it.  He probably doesn't even know how much I hate packing up all my stuff to go over there.  How sometimes I would much rather just stay at home, where I feel comfortable, and watch all the cheesy reality-tv shows he despises.  That I could sleep in my bed that I love.  That I could not be up crying while you are sound asleep.  Or that I like to sit on the couch with my dog (whom I happen to love) after going to the gym after work.  That I could spend my nights over at my friends who I never really get to see, sometimes because I feel like being with you has to take priority. There are so many little things I give up all the time..which never really bothered me until I started seeing that you don't really seem to give those things up.  There can never be a "we" without "you."  But will you ever be ready?  Maybe after everything that's happened, I am the one who has pulled away.  Maybe you haven't even noticed.  Shouldn't you notice that I don't feel comfortable around you like I did? Maybe instead of being desperate, I'm afraid of falling for someone who isn't really here.

I wish I lived in a fairy tale. 

Worry is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it

    doesn't get you anywhere.

I'm spinning.

So I've been losing myself in books lately.  All sorts of books, latest reads:

1. Don't Sweat The Small Stuff: And It's All Small Stuff by Richard Carlson
2. Dear John by Nicholas Sparks
3. Don't Sweat The Small Stuff at Work by Richard Carlson
4. Jemima J by Jane Green
5. Eat, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation  by Lynne Truss


This is basically because my life is a little boring.  Boring in the sense that I'm swamped by boring books for school---who wants to read hundreds of pages on Assessment? I am more intrigued by books on punctuation and grammar.  I know this is sad...or maybe not so sad considering my profession, but it bothered me when I couldn't offhand define a predicate nominative.  In case you too forgot, the predicate nominative is the noun following a linking verb that restates or stands for the subject.


  I should be doing my SED 577 assignment, but I'm procrastinating.  Procrastination will be the end of me.  I'm going to see Alice in Wonderland with my family at 4pm.  I was tempted to bail out and stay home pseudo working, but instead I have opted for throwing on a baseball cap, sweats and a hoodie so I can finish this assignment.  


  I am going to teach a lesson on "Hamlet" next week at Chaparral--I have these fears about teaching that everyone will be going wild and I'll have no control.  Mrs. Anderson said it is one of my repressed anxieties coming out in my dreams (she is very into psychoanalysis and literary theory).  


  This week I am working from 7:15 AM-2 PM everyday and then going to class from 4 PM- 10:30 PM.  I am taking advice from Richard Carlson and not complaining or thinking how busy/tired I am going to be.  Nobody wants to hear it.  I figure this will give me a glimpse into the summer when I work everyday from 7-3 and then go to class from 4-10:30 PM.  I wanted to write how exhausted I am going to be...but I will not give in, I will master Carlson's not stressing techniques!!!!

We are a story unfolding.

As I started to picture the trees in the storm, the answer began to dawn on me. The trees in the storm don't try to stand up straight and tall and erect. They allow themselves to bend and be blown with the wind. They understand the power of letting go. Those trees and those branches that try too hard to stand up strong and straight are the ones that break. Now is not the time for you to be strong

--Julie Butterfly Hill

The other day you said to me, "God you're so tough." 

I've never felt more exposed in my life, trying to swipe the tears off my cheeks-- as if hiding the physical evidence would conceal me.  It was a flimsy attempt by an out of practice professional.  That moment between us feels a little blurry now, I vaguely remember you asking me why I felt that I had to be so strong all the time..and I responded, "Because I've had to be." 

This is new to me, this you and me thing.  Sometimes, in the heat of what can only be defined as bickering, I suck in air, waiting for the blow to come--waiting for you to tell me it's too much, i'm too much. I keep typing things and erasing them here.  Honestly, this is scary.   I know there is no way you could really know me, in and out, like I sometimes feel that you already do.  Perhaps I don't talk to you about my father or my sadness about my grandmother because these were events set in motion before you were here to hold my hand.  I fear that maybe if I get used to reaching for your hand in shaky moments, it may not always be there..life is funny that way. The idea of sharing these worries and struggles is foreign--I decided long ago that I had to toughen up.  

It happened on December 16th, 2006.  I had just finished studying for finals, fortunately I had/have never been good at keeping up on emails because my Dad wrote to me to tell me "Eventually being self-centered like your mother will not lead you to a life of happiness. and Happiness is the key to life.  I will no longer contact you."  I sat on the couch in my apartment, watching the shadows move across the wall as the day passed.  My fingers punched send into my cell phone--no one answered. Everyone had left school for winter break, and because bad news never has good timing, I spent the day struggling with how to pull it together.  I write "my fingers" because that day, everything was out of body.  I saw myself, but I couldn't help myself.  It was like I was crippled by hurt.  I was alone the entire day, with my thoughts, my sadness, my fear, I had no solutions.  I just remember crying, crying until I fell asleep--wishing to wake up to a bad dream.  I'm embarrassed writing it.  I always feel like I have to validate the 6 month depression I fell into, because i'm not a weak person, but I felt weak.  I felt helpless.   I think that's why I am always bracing myself for the impact your words could have on me--I don't want to feel helpless, unprepared again like I was that day.  Not to say that this "precautionary" emotional guard is only for you--it's for all possible upsets.  Fortunately, these days there isn't as much hurt to anticipate--my major reinforcement periods are around holidays...I used to open cards from my Dad, curl up on my bed and cry.  It was the moments I was most disappointed in myself and my inability to protect myself. 

Remember when we would talk about people using relationships as band-aids? I still believe that--that you have to be a whole person before you can be in a relationship; happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else.   What I'm coming to realize, but not fully accept, is that perhaps me being a "whole" person does not imply that I'm perfect or without "baggage." I have tried very hard to move into what you described as a "healthy" place with my relationship with my father.  I never dealt with it well, sometimes it meant not dealing with it all, and other times that meant becoming overwhelmed by it.   Now, I am at a point of acceptance--not would of, could of, should of..just is.  That's all I can do, and it's my best.  I stumble every so often, like when I went postal after deciding to send my father a Christmas card.  I hated that you didn't know where that was coming from.  I felt so frustrated, feeling possibly inadvertently judged--and I didn't mean to put you in that position, maybe some part of me wishes you could be that person for me innately.   Because however you may feel about my situation--being without him is best for me.  I write that without hesitation--I feel it with every fiber of my body. I need you to know this too for when I forget, slip and start to unravel.  I have spent my whole life being told I'm not good enough ( a 3rd grader should not feel that they have to have a work out regime)--and I no longer want to enable someone to make me feel like I'm not good enough.  I somehow needed you to be the omniscient person that tells me "It's not your fault."  The person who fights on my side, because at the end of the day you believe in me. You wouldn't know this, but despite your impressions that I'm cold or closed off to my father--it's quite the opposite, I've spent years wishing it was different, he was different, and that I was someone he wanted.  I mistakenly used to think his approval defined my value, I could not fathom what was so awful about me that I was not worth loving.  I became tired of playing the "victim" role, of feeling sorry for myself and my situation.  This is another reason I disdain talking about my Dad as much as it is a part of my day to day existence--because playing the victim is not the part I want to play in my life's stage.  The pain I feel embarrasses me.  

Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.
-- Ann Landers

The way I was brought up, something within me, feels that crying lets him win.  I can imagine this ideology is rooted in some pep talk my mother gave me about pre teen girls.  I applied it to my Dad--I did not want him to "live rent-free in my head."  Wishing things were different does not move me forward, it does not change the past, it just makes me discontent with now.   This is why when you asked me "If I would feel bad" I automatically inserted "if my dad and i never had a relationship" and the truth is--I will not, because I cannot.  I cannot continue to punish myself for something that happened to me as a bystander.  I intuitively feel that you would question my use of "bystander"--but in truth, my relationship with my dad was always something that happened to me, I was never able to be part of it.  It was never on my terms or about me.  I spent my childhood trying to make him "proud" of me--I always wanted to be athletic enough, pretty enough, smart enough--and I was never enough.  I have an "I'll show you attitude" because I want to be enough, even if it's just for me.  I know that you and I share a unique bond, an unspoken kinship, a knowing look that said "I get it," from very early on.  So when you speak, I listen.  I felt that something had been frayed when you spoke with such conviction about a past I had attempted to  protect so ardently from you--I am so distant from the girl I was back then, that having you see me fall apart was a collision of the past and the present I wrestle with submerging all the time. 

I've never lost "control" like I did with you when you were pushing me about my Dad.  I just never wanted you to be the one to disapprove of my choices that I've worked so hard to make peace with.  I am not, and more than likely will never, be at a place to calmly, and unemotionally, discuss "resolution" or "gestures" my Dad makes because there will always be a small girl within me who wants nothing more than for her dad to really love her.  I truly cringe reading things like that because it sounds, and to some extent is, hopelessly pathetic.  Spending your life thinking of "what could have been" is enough to kill you.  It's a weaker side of me, a detriment to the woman I want to be.  

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.

-- Anon

Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.
-- Gloria Naylor 

Part of me wishes you could inherently know all my weaknesses, sore spots, and silent struggles. It seems crazy, but I tried hard to leave the past in the past, particularly before starting to date you.  I wanted to enter into this, only as "me", not with the girl who feebly took so long to pick up the pieces of a broken life.  It partially seems stupid, trying to roll over sad moments. I know that realistically--it is part of life, crying is normal, etc, etc...but I guess I don't want you to see me as anything other than strong and capable, the two things I have worked so hard to be. 

Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.
-- August Wilson

Lust and Love

How important is lust..in love? Is it really either or? Can you..and should you have both?

The things you cannot change....

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. 

 I am missing Posadas today.  Not the geographical location, but the life led within the boundaries.  Posadas was a haven for me...a chance to clear my head, a place to re-evaluate who I was.  Leaving was the hardest thing I have ever done, because the life I had there was one of my own making.  A mirror was held up to me upon meeting new people and encountering taxing experiences--the reflection I saw back was someone strong, confident, and powerful.  Not in the cheesy, cliche sense--but the girl that left Spain was unafraid, uninhibited, comfortable in her skin, she was someone who knew solitude and appreciated it.  

I didn't start this journal to write about Spain--I received an e-mail from someone I had had a special bond with in Spain, a girl who reminded me what it was to be a genuine victim of life's unfairness.  I cannot tell you what happened to her, but what I can tell you is that you never know someone's story.  I wish more teachers, or people who work with youth, would take more time to really get to know kids.  Kids are amazing...they know more than you think.  Raven and I were getting viable dating advice from first graders...the biggest mistake you can make is to limit children to foolishness--children are perhaps the best people to get advice from...they re-state things in the most simplistic, obvious way.  Anyway, her letter made me cry.   I just hate being across the ocean, unable to be the person in her life to give her a hug and an option out.  I asked for her address and I'm going to compile a fun package to send her, it's not much but it think it will be something to put a smile on her face and let her know that even though 'm not there physically, I'm supporting her and I believe in her desire to become a teacher.  

I'm honestly a little mad at myself.  What I learned there was that I need to be more expressive of my feelings.  I'm not someone who will tell you day in and day out how much I love you and how much you mean to me, I expect it to be sensed, a quiet understanding.  I had tried to be more open with my feelings but sometimes I choke on the words I really want to say...as if I'm afraid my heart is too big.  I can't explain it to you..I don't know where that fear comes from.  It's strange to feel things so deeply, this incredible empathy, and then cry about the sadness that comes with that alone and not share these emotions.  

I will tell you this--I will make sure each of my students knows they are loved.   That's what kids need the most. 

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
-- Marianne Williamson

Is it weird that I have hunger pains at 2:32 am?

I'll just say it.  I'm in a total... rut. I tried to think of a more exciting way to say it, but there really is none.  Rut.  Hello, Rut where I live. 

I'm in such a rut that I stayed in my pajamas all day long, more than 24 hours.  Pathetic.  Also, such a rut that I made a huge purchase at Victoria's Secret online store and I'm not even a little bit pleased or experiencing buyer's remorse.  Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, rut go away! 

I realized today, laying in bed...in my pajamas...watching Friends re-runs...with the snoring dog...that I have nothing to look forward to lately.  Things are so predictable...I'm bored?  I'm so over myself. 

The worst part of this rut is that it is really, really bad.  I have no appetite, I can't sleep without Nyquil (tonight I have refrained...), I'm missing the zsa zsa zou, there's no hope of a promotion at my job, no way school will be finished until next December, I can't move out until I can work everyday...again, not until after December, I have no desire to do anything really.  What's wrong with me? Complacency...apathy...go away.  I also realized that I haven't even been listening to music lately.  I'm always up to date on new bands, new playlists, etc...and I'm not even doing that.  Like I said, I'm so over myself.

The only time I'm really happy is when I'm at work or at the gym.  Isn't that the opposite of most people?   I think it crushed my spirit a little when I see all the people around me moving up in the work place and I'm just stuck in neutral.  I feel like life is in neutral...with no possible excitement or surprises in the foreseeable future.  

I know that i'm the only person who can change things...so I guess that's just what I need to do.  Oddly, I'm thinking about joining the rock climbing gym.  Where that comes from, I have no idea..I just feel so blah about myself and everything else in general.  Rut...go away! 

Tomorrow I am vowing to go to Spinning...so i'll be waking up in 5 hours.  Ew.  And also, I'm seeing the Lovely Bones.  Then...I work at 7:15 am on Monday.  It'll be a really long day so I hope that I can get my sleep schedule back on track..sans nyquil. 

Gratitude.

Sometimes I feel like life has taken such a different direction than I had planned or wished for...I get so frustrated, feeling as if I'm stuck in neutral.  It also occurred to me today at work that I'm very blessed.

Today I went into work with a clear mission in mind--Mission Reorganization.  The Teens' room is really haphazard because they are building a new teen center next year and thus...the current room falls by the wayside.  However, I decided there were a few things we could do to spruce up the decor---tablecloths, center pieces, picture area, two lounge areas, and of course...my febreze addiction.  I'm really hoping to get things going ASAP.  This is when it is hard for me to stay in neutral...the moment I decide I want something done...it needs to get done, this is problematic 99% of the time.  I wish the world operated on my time table...not the other way around.

Unfortunately, the Games Room staff is still gone and won't return until Monday..thus I had to leave my Teens Room project and continue my role as ultimate game time coordinator.  This means, I must excel at Four Square, mediate all tantrums, hug away wounds, scold misbehavior, and referee like a professional.  I really respect how talented all the staff are in their specific area...you really have to be a child at heart to get your hands dirty playing these games like sharks/minnows, ghosts in the grave yard, four square, and duck duck goose.  Believe me, I have no problem learning as I go.  Today was Staff vs. Members, so I decided my "talent" would be at Air Hockey.  I only lost 2 games out of 30...2 1/2 hours of straight Air Hockey and my shoulder is killing me..but I can only laugh.    I really love my job and I can't wait for Spanish Club to start again on the 21st--it's fun to interact with the other kids outside of the teen area; there is a definitive difference between the warmth of 1-4th graders and 6th +...they just want a big hug and your attention--I'm more than willing to give them that and more.

I also started thinking about where I am at currently versus last January.  Although I was in Spain...my personal life was far from where it is today.  I feel so blessed to have such solid people in my life.  Although sometimes I wish I was financially independent, I'm very lucky and grateful that my Mom can support me financially and mentally as I go through graduate school...that gratitude I may never be able to fully vocalize.  Also, Jamie has really been my flotation device since I've been home--she's an amazing friend--we have a bond that is difficult to articulate, we just get it--this knowing look thing.

Jason is...monumental.  I've never met someone who made me want to be so much better.  Not in an altering my character sort of way--but in a --I want to make his day that much better.  I think of things that I could be doing for him, that I should be, even the smallest of things like surprising him with a bottle of wine and massage after a long day.   He makes me want to be the best version of myself..although that isn't always the easiest road to take.

I know that things aren't exactly "perfect," or maybe they aren't "ideal" but it is really, truly, good.  I'm at a job where I think more about other people than myself (which is a very humbling and necessary experience) and in a situation that causes me to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.  I'm a work in progress...and the journey has been pretty amazing.

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person.

Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.

Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful.

Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude.

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity.... It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.

The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated.

2010 is here!

Happy New Year!

Jason and I went to Denver to visit Piglet--a great trip, full of laughter and adventures.  It was my first "adult" trip, this is a secret confession; but i've always dreamt of going on a trip with my "manfriend" and staying in a hotel and visiting friends or a new place.   I'm 23 years old, very in love, and very happy with the direction my life is headed.  I'm counting my blessings and focusing inward to work on the things that I want to leave behind in 2009.

I think it is hard for us to admit our faults; in certain circumstances, people serve as a mirror that reflects our deficiencies.   This will sound so strange, but sometimes I see a glimpse of myself in the little kids at work...unfortunately, this is usually when they are being bossy and wanting everyone to conform to what they would like.  In lecturing them (and being lectured by my own mother) it has come to my attention that I think that I know best...that I my way is the best way...ew, right?

Secondly, I realize that I am not as patient as I could be with other people--I expect perfection from those around me..particularly in friendship.   I need to sigh, let it go, and move on.  I have learned this year that some friendships are passing; people change, and not always for the best.  I think I am ready to move forward, but in doing so I feel a twang of guilt.  I don't feel that friendship should always be about one person...I think it is a genuine interest in the happenings of another and their well being...not an ear for your superficial problems.  I just can't believe that is the way to sustain a real friendship.  I'm learning as I go...and as I let go.

P.S: My goal of this Spring is to get my spinning instructor certification....an exciting decision :)

This day can go down in the books.

Today has definitely been one of the worst days I've had in a long time, if not ever.  You know that feeling that manifests in your chest, twists in your stomach, and then feels so awful and uncomfortable that it's going to come back up your throat? This feeling makes me feel like a stranger to myself.

How do you make amends with a parent?

I have never believed my mother to be someone who is emotional--in fact, she is the best at keeping her emotions inside.  I fear that...i'm just like that? I just keep repeating the whole argument over in my head..and it's not like it was a conversation, it was like an execution.  I feel about the size of my pinky nail.

These are the times I need to work on the four agreements..."Don't take anything personally" ---whenever someone is frustrated with me or around me I take it to heart.  Perhaps a good New Year's Resolution.

hm.

Confront your fears, list them, get to know them, and only then will you be able to put them aside and move ahead.


Too many of us are not living in our dreams because we are living in our fears


You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith.  


The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable.  What he wants above everything else is safety.


Fear is the highest fence


If a man harbors any sort of fear, it percolates through all thinking, damages his personality and makes him a landlord to a ghost.  


Fear:  False Evidence Appearing Real. 


I have accepted fear as a part of life - specifically the fear of change.... I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says:  turn back. 

“Every man is afraid of something. That’s how you know he’s in love with you; when he is afraid of losing you.” 

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it…. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.

It has to make you laugh.  I get what I want, handed to me by fate or whatever stroke of luck you want to call it--and it terrifies me. Not because I'm afraid of commitment, the future, love, or whatever else....but that I'm afraid no one, me, gets to be this happy.  It's like I woke up and decided to self-destruct before it could be taken.  Bracing myself before the rug gets pulled from under me, removing my shoe before the other one drops.  I'm afraid this isn't mine to keep.  How can I breathe easy when I'm afraid that each breath is closer to depleting the oxygen in the room? 

I cringe because I've thought about all the snakes I've had in my life.  Hiding in the grass I allowed to become overgrown.  Why did I sit idly by? Letting myself not see what was in front of me.  I'm so tainted by that feeling of being bitten by something I brought on myself.  I was never capable of walking away from my Dad..but what it is about these other people that makes it so easy? Why can't I feel nothing like them.  It takes so much for me to cut ties, but I see people do it so freely without a second thought.  That's what makes me really afraid--that people are capable of such great deceit, that they can inflict so much hurt when overcome by selfishness.  I'm afraid not of what I am capable of, but rather, what I am not capable of.  

I sat in an ivory tower--looking down on heartbreaks..when now I've had a glimpse, a brief stab of what it could be like to lose the one thing you want to count on. People, relationships are not infallible.   Perhaps I've been so afraid to lose myself in something, someone profound because in the back of my mind..i'm aware that it could be lost.  I hate that I feel like I need to be okay without you.  I don't want to be without you.  That's my biggest fear.  I'll self-destruct in a desperate attempt to be okay..without you.  

I read something the other day in the Le Love blog..and it struck a chord with me, maybe it will with you too: 

And my eyes shut just long enough for me to see you. I saw your hands, but not your face. I saw how you would feel, but not how you would look. Between their yells I heard you whisper something that made sense. Your hands, your voice, gave me back 23 years. The only settling we can speak of now is the way the sea has settled beneath me. The way the tips crashed and spun and now sleep calmly on their sea floor.

Settled. Not settling.

I wouldn't want you to ever think that what we have is unoriginal.  That how I feel about you comes from a need to settle down because that's how people think these days between the gap of 23-25.  That falling in love, getting married, and settling are what we are supposed to do.  I never felt that way--in fact I always felt that there was this impending crash, because I didn't see that for myself.   I pulled back from you, you said you felt it in the beginning, I did that because something in me innately knew that this would be big.   Before I could be with you, I had to be able to be with myself.  That meant ridding myself of the snakes, removing the overgrown brush--so I could see you.  Maybe the memory of that mess keeps me from seeing clearly.  Because, I'm here..and I just want to see you--without the flashes of the past obscuring you.  

Quotes for thought.

Reason is powerless in the expression of Love.

Like a thief reason sneaked in and sat amongst the lovers eager to give them advice. They were unwilling to listen, so reason kissed their feet and went on its way.

You already have the precious mixture that will make you well.  Use it.

In silence there is eloquence. Stop weaving and watch how the pattern improves.

Everyone has been made for some particular work, and the desire for that work has been put in every heart. 

and a small hidden treasure..

All the right moves.

It's as if all the past relationships, the heartbreaks, the crushes have been folded up in an envelope and tucked away in a hidden drawer. Sent out to sea. Gone, vanished.

Love is when you look into someone's eyes and go all the way inside; 

to their soul and you both know.

Last night I tried as hard as I could to stifle it, close the jar tight, but his eyes make me want to be honest--as if I can't hide anything from them.. I cried, he sat there holding me just listening--he offered me solace, not false promises.  There's something about him that makes me want to remove the wall.  Perhaps it's because I don't there to be anything between us on either side.  It's hard to remove a wall that is so apart of you, so etched within you that it feels natural, right.

You know, I'm so tired of the dead weight from my father.  I'm tired of writing about it, caring about it, feeling it.  I'm tired of reading it, remembering it.  Why can't it just vanish too? I choke on what could have been, should have been.  It's too large of a pill to simply swallow--I don't know how to try to..do this..any differently--how do I do this?

J said that I'm going to move on from this, that resolution will come.  I cringe and rewind to December 16th. I think of a crushed spirit, months of depression, and years of inadequacy.  Even worse, I feel such disappointment.  With myself.  I don't want to be this girl.  I don't want to be someone who can't move on, move forward.  That's not me.  I want  the feelings to be dead to me like he is.  They say that the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.  I'm waiting for it to come upon me, lay it to rest like sunset.

We finished talking on the phone tonight, it creeped its way into the conversation.  People have always told me that I need to "deal with it"--I replied, "But what does that really mean." I've always felt that I do deal with it--all the time; here in this journal I write what I think..it's on my mind more than I would want other people to catch on to.  He said something that shocked me, something so beautifully simple--

"Dealing with it means letting yourself feel whatever emotion it may be in that moment--if you're angry, be angry, if you're sad, be sad--but I want to do this with you, I want to be here for you."

I never thought that "dealing" with this would be letting myself be.  I told him I always feel so disappointed with myself when I let my emotions get the best of me and I get upset.  I dislike people who have pity parties for themselves--don't we all have something rumbling under the surface to feel sorry for ourselves about? Whether it's a shitty job, a break-up, homesickness, loneliness, lack of income, sickness, divorced parents--etc, etc.  Sometimes I feel that if we let ourselves do that, we devalue all the good we have in our lives.  Shouldn't we just be grateful for what we have, and move on from what we don't? Or rather..who we don't?  Obviously how I am not "dealing" with it isn't making a big enough difference because I'm still carrying it around..maybe, if I don't make it something I'm not allowed or supposed to feel---I won't be aware of it as much.  Just a thought..like I've always said, I'm a work in progress--moreso in some aspects than others.

If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies.

Know what's weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change, 




but pretty soon...everything's different. 

After I wrote this entry..just thinking about how things are changing--especially the people I am choosing to maintain close relationships with...I found this in my yearly horoscope...odd but reassuring..





During the next couple of years it also looks like you will know whether these matters have reached a successful conclusion, or whether you need to cut your losses and move on.

This energy is not a light-hearted one, however, it is important in clearing out outgrown situations and people in your life that are weighing you down.  Symbolically, it can be seen as a bit of spring-cleaning period in your life where quality, not quantity in terms of the people in your life, will be important.
There will be several periods of time when this energy is likely to become very challenging: the period from early November until early December 2009; and again from early January until mid February 2010 also looks like a time that will mean changing the way you relate to someone important in your life.  These periods of time are likely to be quite intense, but will give you the chance to really think about what is important in terms of your life goals, career aspirations and, for some of you, the chance to change the way you relate or see one of your parents.  This is likely to be a dynamic time when major cross-roads will be reached, enabling you to leave the past behind you and to move forwards on a new path that is free of people and situations holding you back.  To achieve this though, you will need to deal with the people and situations that have a hold on you and to let go of outworn associations



Perhaps another good way of using the energy around you from this time onwards will be to research your options for a fabulous new start coming to you early in 2011… this may be plans for a new business idea, long-distance travel, teaching or learning, or perhaps a major move.  Whatever it is that you are thinking about, the coming year is an excellent one to lay the groundwork for this positive new start coming for you in 2011.





It's time.  It's definitely time. 

In the mirror.

We are at our very best, and we are happiest, when we are fully engaged in work we enjoy on the journey toward the goal we've established for ourselves. It gives meaning to our time off and comfort to our sleep. It makes everything else in life so wonderful, so worthwhile.

Do more than is required. What is the distance between someone who achieves their goals consistently and those who spend their lives and careers merely following? The extra mile.

BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD

Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, and regret.

I think it is easy to forget...we can only do our best.  I struggle on a daily basis with the ramifications of other people's choices.  I need to learn I can only control myself--doing my best, saying what I mean, and being true to who I am.  I know who I am--and I like who I am--I can only wish that for other people when they look in the mirror.  Are you at your best? 

Is it too early to be thinking about next January?

I find myself perpetually thinking about "What's next."

This has been a theme throughout my life, you can trace back through the journal entries..I'm very rarely completely complacent in the moment--my sights are always on the ever looming horizon..the next challenge, the next adventure.

On Friday I went out to dinner with my family to this amazing mexican restaurant called X-tapa Joe's..over a delicious enchilada casserole, we talked about Department of Defense schools abroad--a great possible adventure and logical application for my completed Master's degree next December.  I'm currently being drawn to Costa Rica and Italy.  Of course I would love to go back to Spain, but I feel like I need a new challenge..I can't help but think this would be the time to go and teach abroad because I have no real responsibilities (mortgage, children, cough cough).

I've been thinking lately that some things are laid out so neatly that it must be fate.  A series of coincidences that lead to one big culmination of what's meant to be.

“When it comes to the future, there are three kinds of people: those who let it happen, those who make it happen, and those who wonder what happened.”

Top Coincidences

1. I came back from Spain and decided to teach instead of doing law or journalism.
2. I decided not to got to USC in favor of U of A which turned out to be me randomly going to ASU 
3. I lost my job teaching Spanish the same day I found out I was accepted into graduate school
4. I decided not to go to Chile to teach English in lieu of going to grad school
5. Jason came to ASU by a series of similar events
6. Kristin & her boyfriend had just come back from Costa Rica during homecoming...which I had no desire to go to. 
7. My mom's friend was in town and told me to look at teaching abroad in American schools this week at dinner. 
8. My brother taught in Colombia which lead me to pursue this random career path
9. Kenny is living abroad in Australia..completely randomly (so brazen..he went without a job)
10. I can teach in any country with my Master's degree. 
11. Costa Rican schools start in January and end in December...I oddly graduate in December and would be available to start in January :)

I'm really excited about the possibility of going abroad again..and I'm really happy that I'm with someone who shares my ambitions.  I never thought I would be dating another person who wanted to teach English...it sounds strange--but literature and writing have been so important in my life..and it's exciting to start this new chapter with someone who shares my passion for so many things.

J has really been a blessing..I've never known this level of contentment and happiness.  Not only does he like me for who I am, with him I see who I could become.  He brings out the best in me and makes me want to be the best version of myself I can.  I don't want to waste our time together worrying or stressing, I just want to be with him...and that in itself is a wonderful gift.  .

The saying "too good to be true" flitters into my mind every now again, our life together so far has been so full of fun adventures..it's completely picturesque.  I think that is the part that scares both of us, where is the drama, the problems, the miscommunications? What other couple believes a sunset was just for them? Or who when they get lost see shooting stars? There is no one else I would rather share a godzilla size hot dog at Sun's game, lose to in tennis, laugh with over morning coffee, cuddle with throughout the night, dream of while I sleep, and wake up entangled with in the rays of morning light.  Oh..and wash dogs with in a dress.

We haven't said "I love you" --three words that carry more significance with him than ever before.  I don't think I've ever really been in love before...this relationship overshadows all others before it...makes them seem like superficial versions of emotional intimacy.  Whatever this may be between J and I has made me really, genuinely, blissfully happy.

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

- Captain Corelli's Mandolin. "Love is the beauty of the soul."

Quick life update at 12:30 :)

I swear I've started so many entries and then just left mid sentence, things have honestly been pretty busy.  It's kind of surreal--I feel like I'm a juggling act in the circus, except I'm not nearly as exciting or talented as real performers..I'm just skating by..but that's okay for now.

I'm currently wrestling between catching up on my reading for Educational Psychology, or giving in to sleep from my dating-induced insomnia.

It's just different.  I wonder to myself, is it because I'm older, more mature, more comfortable in my skin? Or is it him, us, and chemistry? I laid curled up with him this morning, wanting to stay in bed just a little bit longer....Bella was even curled up with us.  I know, I'm lucky. Another thing I know, is that there is nothing better than pizza at 4 am, the discovery of red wine I actually like, finding out although I'm not an Asian Martha Stewart..he'll still eat it (and more than likely pretend to like it), and that laughing about 'stupid fool' has yet to get old.

I secretly love/hate that this entire entry is turning into a dating recap, but you should know--I went over to his house on Friday after what could only be classified as the longest day of my week (Up at 5:20, out the door *ideally* at 6:50, student teaching until 12:30, then work from 1-6:30).  I stopped at the grocery store to pick up Pinot Noir & Yakisoba (odd combination..but, delectable + delicious) and when I got to his house he had a single pink rose waiting for me.  He had been working all day and still found the time to get it for me...it was one of the single most thoughtful things a guy has ever done for me, and it definitely made me melt.  Inexplicable contentment.

It can only be bettered by the fact that Wednesday before class, I stopped by his house and we laid entangled in each other for an hour before peeling apart so he could make us to-go mugs of coffee at 4 pm.  Did I mention he played the guitar by me, lulling me into what could only be described as complete relaxation..?

In conclusion, I get to see Piglet tomorrow morning for coffee/breakfast before she heads back to snowy Colorado.   I am so excited for her and the recent leaps & bounds regarding the progression of her relationship, she really deserves it.  I think, nothing can be 100% perfect...but it's what we do with the tribulations--she's stuck it out, braved some difficult decisions, blossomed with independence, and really become an incredible woman.  I think at the end of the day, that love, their love is worth it all.  So proud of her, if you couldn't tell.

On the other end of the spectrum--another independent woman in my life had just purchased her first beautiful car...and got rear ended before she even had the plates on her new car.   Devastating.  I was only relieved that she was okay, and that she was in a car that kept her safe.  Why does stuff like that happen?

It comes back to a terrible nightmare I had last night.  I was in Northern California at Goat Rock Beach, driving on a frightening, winding, road.  Everyone was driving so fast,  and there was no way for me to turn around, no outs, before I knew it--Allison, who was in the passenger seat, and I were airborne off the jagged cliff into the tumultuous dark gray waves...meters from the shore.  I turned to her and told her we had to get out, as the water poured in the windows and the car started getting sucked under.  She just stared at me, not moving.  The whole dream..ugh, it terrified me.  What does it mean?

Oddly enough, my monthly horoscope just said, "pay attention to your dreams on 10, 11, and 12th--They could clue you in to what the problem really is."

So what does it mean?

Okay finally--I have to tell you, I wanted to drown myself in the sea of flour that surrounded me at yet another baking extravaganza at work.  I wanted to the kids to decorate 'halloween' themed sugar cookies with the younger kids.  Unfortunately, I hadn't actually thought about how much sugar cookie dough it would take...or that I would be doing the cookies from scratch and cutting out each one..over 60...and ineffectively struggling to use a rolling pin.  I'm no Martha Stewart..but I somehow always manage to forget.  Spending 3 hours in the kitchen prepping was worth it when their smiling mouths were stained black from the frosting dye--and being kids, they were too elated to even worry about it.  I love that about kids....the small stuff stays small...SOMETIMES.


Sweet dreams.

Smitten :)

So, just when I had figured there wasn't any light at the end of the dating tunnel--I met someone who I think is just...gush worthy.

Last night it was strange not to have the typical pre-date jitters...but I was just excited to see him.  He's confident, smart, witty, interesting, and funny.

We've been like two satellites since Day 1.  But after several weeks of entertaining late night talks, school-girl crush moments, and looks that say everything and nothing...we went out and had a great not so "first" first date.

Chemistry.

I think it dawned on me that this could be something really incredible when Bella, my demonic counterpart, expressed her crush on him as well.  She was absolutely obsessed with him last night.  Unreal.


And yes..his kisses make my knees go weak.

Here's to emotional chemistry translating to physical chemistry.