Some people go to priests; others to poetry; I to my friends.

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares

Friends are the sailors who guide your rickety boat safely across the dangerous waters of life.

A good friend is a connection to life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world.

I've realized lately that my friends are my safety net-- I trust them as much as I trust myself. It really is the friend you can call at 4 am that matters.

It's like Cummings said, "I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart."

The latest and greatest from the Absent Minded Professor.

The latest absent minded moment came as I inspected a bag of dried fruit in the pantry..prunes. 

I took a bite, I turned around and asked my Mom, "What are prunes, anyway?"

My brother gasped, completely horrified.  My mom stared at me blankly.  "Seriously?"

I shrugged, taking another bite, who knew that prunes were dried plums? I definitely didn't.  I should probably be embarrassed, but fortunately it happened in the confines of our kitchen.  My family is already well versed in handling these brainless moments.  Oh well.  

Anyway, I wanted to take a moment to talk about top current products..just because.

1.  Mane n' Tail shampoo.  

 

Happiness <3

"To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury; and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable; and wealthy, not rich; to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly; to listen to stars and birds, to babes and sages, with open heart; to bear all cheerfully, do all bravely, await occasion, hurry never; in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious grow up through the common. This is to be my symphony."

"Be glad of  life, because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars."

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.

Life is beauty, admire it.

Life is bliss, taste it.

Life is a dream, realize it.

Life is a challenge, meet it.

Life is a duty, complete it.

Life is a game, play it.

Life is a promise, fulfill it.

Life is sorrow, overcome it.

Life is a song, sing it.

Life is a struggle, accept it.

Life is a tragedy, confront it.

Life is an adventure, dare it.

Life is luck, make it.

Life is too precious, do not destroy it.

Life is life, fight for it.

Life and the Ed Hardys of the Night.

To the question of your life you are the answer, and to the problems of your life you are the solution.

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer.

Tonight is the start of Graduate school. I had a brief freak-out moment (after a long morning of checks and financial planning) on the floor of my mother's bedroom..embarrassingly enough, "Why are you crying?"-- I looked up at her in complete distress, "I think I'm just tired." I had a moment of feeling frustrated with myself, I finally confessed with a little prodding, "I just feel upset because if I wasn't in Grad school I'd be financially independent and saving money. I wish I would have just majored in Education and been teaching now." My mom replied, "In 18 months, you'll be teaching. Don't look back, no point in beating yourself up."

I know we all have our own life path, but mine has been really random. I majored in English Literature with no plans of teaching...still not sure what I was thinking. I'm glad I did it..for myself..but career wise..? After college I did something I never expected to do--I up and left to a foreign country. I wouldn't trade my experience in Spain for anything..but it's very frustrating--I wish I could snap my fingers, be graduating with my Masters, and be established at the right school. I shouldn't be complaining. The most liberating thing I've ever read was by Alexander Pope, "Whatever is, is right." So, it is what it is. I just need to do my best and learn as much as I can.

On to more interesting things...Friday was my first night working at the Boys and Girls club. Coincidentally it was Family Fun Night. I spent Friday morning gluing and pasting an "About Me" board together..it was a nice reality check that I'm going to be working with kids again.

My day started by helping pick up 80 elementary school students and walking them back to the club. Kids are hi-lar-ious. Amongst the running to the club, some of the kids stopped to show me tricks. The most random was a kid that liked to crack nuts..he found one on the ground..cracked it..and yelled random information and fun facts like that he ate one that was yellow inside and didn't throw up..right away.

Kids are so open--they have no secrets or boundaries for the most part. We corralled all the kids after snack into "open gym." I had one little girl, Ansley, hooked around my waist, crying that kids took her basketball and then an adorable little man named John (tiny mittens with huge glasses) showing me his basketball moves. After announcements, all the kids sat in a huge circle around a coned off section--it was time for the Staff Dance Off. Imagine a huge crash and sirens going off in my brain..staff dance off? My aching legs were screaming no no no no no no and so was my dignity. Fortunately, I got out of it by manning the dance selection on the ipod. This Friday the kids get to have the dance off. I know it may not sound totally traumatic..but it kind of is. They vote the staff out by "Boo'ing" ..I don't want to get voted off the island. I have work to do.

My favorite moment of the day came when I was in the teen room helping the kids get settled (easy first day because Fridays are open..I don't really have to do any activities..just keep them under control) this little kid came up to me and said abruptly, "Are you new or what?" I replied enthusiastically that it was my first day, etc, and he just retorted "lame." and walked away. Remind me why I want to work with teenagers, again? I couldn't help but laugh.

Later on I was in charge of the balloon pop for family fun night. My ears are still ringing. Balloon pop is done by attaching a big balloon to your ankle, then running around trying to stomp on everyone else's while keeping yours guarded. I wish we had games like that in bars..it would make nights out way more interesting.

Saturday night I ended up going out with the girls to Old Town. We started out at Olive and Ivy--Then the group kind of split up, D went to The W which is my idea of hell on earth--we stalled by going to Loco and Saddle Ranch. It was just such a weird night--I was suddenly painfully aware of the rampant douchebaggery. I know I talk about it a lot..but that night..it was in full force. I'm talking opened button down shirts..Ed Hardy galore..and abundant orange glows from fake n' baking. I don't know. It's just not attractive to me when guys take themselves that seriously. I just don't know. I've tried giving them a chance..but as I told my mom the next morning.."It's shocking. Some people literally have no personality. They're vapid. Lights are on, but nobody is home."

How do you not have anything interesting to say? It really boggles my mind..I want to know what it's like to be inside their head. Insert mouse running on wheel here.

Then something weird happens--I get so bored with the conversation that I have to spice it up. One of the Ed Hardys came up to us at Saddle..I was dragged into his pointless small chat even though I attempted to look away and remove myself. Finally, bored out of my mind, I remarked to his question 'so what are you ladies doing here tonight?'-- "She's getting married. It's really awkward right now because my other friend (pointing to A in the red dress) used to date him. We were actually just talking about it when you came up" (insert shocked face here) Ed Hardy didn't quite know what to do and finally said loudly "We should change the subject" and then nudged me, "I was trying to get them to talk about something else" I nodded, clever move Ed. The boring conversation continued and he asked, "Isn't it weird she used to date her fiance?" I shrugged..word vomit.."Well, truth be told, we all want to date him. He's really attractive. If the opportunity presented itself..let's just say everyone woman for herself." Ed's mouse wheel was turning fast now. I'm not really sure why Ed didn't walk away like I'd hoped..but Steph walked into the conversation, armed with awkward remarks, "I feel live i've met you before..in another life." Ed loved that, time to show off his philosophical side, "if we were animals in another life, we wouldn't have been able to talk. So we must have been people." ................Ed was so deep. More boring conversation ensued, he asked me what I did and I said "nothing really." To that remark he said he had graduated from school and not to be fooled by his baby face. Hm. To this I said, "Well I graduated too. But now I'm getting my Masters." He saw this as an opportunity to dig deeper, to which I said, "I'm getting my Masters in life." I was no longer entertained and walked away, poor Steph was left with Ed.

Ed Douche: "So uh, can i get like uh, get your number?":
S: Oh, that's really nice, but I have a boyfriend.
Ed Douche: Well give it to me anyway, it may not work out with your boyfriend.
S: (crickets)

Another thing..my friend E. has this amazing affect on men, they just want to like jump on her the minute she walks into the bar. We've deduced it's not only from her beauty, but her petite size. Small men are like, "YES! MY SIZE" and spring into action. Our group stood around idly as this man literally coddled E--strange looks were exchanged...wondering why this guy was being so affectionate..surely he must know she has a boyfriend if he is that close with her...as we eventually came to her aid inquiring "Who the hell was that?" E looked up laughing "I have no idea!!!" ---the bar took a turn..for the douche.

Here are some snippits of us playing "Act Casual" at the bar..and pretending to put out the vibe.. haha




I didn't think things could get more awkward (after we all sat on the same side of the table in loco because there was a leak...looking like the knights of the straight table or judges from American Idol)


we went to the W, weaving our way through the worst of the douches before joining our friends who had a table. Sopko and I shared a little chair, talking with all the girls, when out of nowhere this guy comes up "Susan?"..blank stares..total confusion..."SUSAN LONGLEY!?"..I interjected, "No..this is Amy" he then scampered off awkwardly, "Sorry, Looking for Susan."

The reason I tell you that story is because moments later..an incredibly..awesomely drunk woman fell onto Sopko, holding her..I got so excited..what's happening, what's this? I asked her "what's going on here?" and she said "My husband is pissssssed" ---all things said are a total slur by the way, and I seized the opportunity, "ARE YOU SUSAN LONGLEY?!"

Unfortunately..she was not Susan. I decided to call her Susan anyway. She kicked it with us for a little while until her white trash, pissed off, husband joined the table, sitting on the lounge adjacent to us scrolling through her phone. I asked her, "Susan, were you texting dirty?" she held up her tall bud light, "Fuck no..I don't know..just my texts" Still not sure what she was trying to say. Eventually Susan's husband left and she laid down on the lounge chair and passed out.

After the incident we decided it was time to go, D and E stayed behind. Circa 3 am when I was eating some watermelon and kiwi, I received a text from our lost comrade E, "oh dear god" ...???? I wrote back. She then texted me back, "dear god im so s crwd." I knew she was just drunk texting me so I left it, but received another "Oh dear god" text. The next morning when she stopped by my house she couldn't remember why she texted me that, but D likewise sent my favorite random text of the night to a guy she is casually seeing, "Its comfy here." Not sure why, or what inspired it. But I love it. He asked her for a dinner and movie date the next night..so all is well in the land of drunk texting.

Circa 3:30 I decided that maybe I can't do the Old Town scene anymore. I don't drink anymore..so without an alcoholic buffer..the Ed Hardys really rub me the wrong way. I'm looking for more laid back places where I can just hang out with my friends without any Ed's barging in our conversation. Where are all the non-Eds? A question..that will hopefully be answered soon.

Holy Sh*t.

Books are expensive!!

I went online to calculate the cost of my books for the semester, used-- they were $481.  Seriously?Then I was watching Good Morning America and they were talking about Chegg.com--you just rent the books for the semester and then you don't have to deal with the hassle of getting rid of them later on.  Including shipping, my text books ended up being $231.  Love it.  Now I just have to wait for them to show up in the mail..in about 4 days. 

Just a quick thought.

“What is the feeling when you're driving away from people, and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? -it's the too huge world vaulting us, and it's good-bye. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.””

So I'm on the bus, thus my thoughts are everywhere and I'm taking no time to really write well (thus, the last entry) but I have to acknowledge what a weird (but still great) place my life is at.

I just graduated college, moved to Spain to teach, lived in a tiny town totally isolated from my friends/family, came back, enrolled to get my Master's degree, had a Antonio (my student from Spain) come and live with me during my transitional period, and now I'm just getting back from an amazing week in Sonoma about to start my new job and first semester of school at..dun dun dun..Arizona State University. I can't even believe I've only been back for about 2 months. I also decided to run a marathon. Just to keep things interesting and hectic.

What a crazy ride.

I've been wrestling with the idea of moving back to the Bay area after I finish my Master's to live in San Francisco. It's been more of a home to me than anywhere else I've ever lived. The constant place amongst all the moves and life changes. I wish I could just live in Grandma's guest house at Seven Gates. Totally at peace, running through the Redwood forest, swimming in the Russian River..total peace. Grandma said she wanted to name "Seven Gates," "Casita Contenta" in her diary. It's so true..it's the most peaceful place on Earth. You can't get it until you are wandering through her massive, amazing garden full of every kind of plant imaginable. Several different rose gardens, statues from all over Europe, benches from Norway..it's just like..being in a fantasy world.

I forgot to bring my Camera this trip, I even remembered the battery, but of course, left the Camera. I'm a real winner at life sometimes. But, I was thinking, maybe the reason I didn't have my camera with me was because I needed to capture these moments in mental memories. Mental photos. Almost like a private memory for only me.

Life is definitely in motion. I can see things unfolding in front of me, classes starting, new job starting, student teaching, going to homecoming..etc..etc..but I haven't taken the full plunge into the rapid river. I'm still staring at it from the shore, tomorrow will be dipping my toe into the current, and then on Monday--I'll have flung myself, having faith I'll be a strong swimmer.

This life, my life, is definitely a snaking river. Full of bends and twists. Calm waters and rough rapids. I love it, and I have confidence no matter what happens, I'll keep myself afloat. (fingers crossed).


p.s: I had a weird thought brushing my teeth this morning. It came on clear as glass. When, if, I get married--I want to get married in my Grandmother's garden. Then another thought followed..Grandma is 95, 96 on November 15th. I don't even have a boyfriend. I'm pseudo emotionally unavailable...really apathetic towards Scottsdale douchebags.

Pan said I need to find a runner (hilarious..but made me wonder). She also told me, marry someone you like. She said that would sound strange--but she reiterated..the passion..that comes and goes..but you have to really like the person. Be with someone who shares your ambitions. She pointed out, "You can't be with someone who is afraid to cross the street..you're a traveler." She's been married to my adorable and quirky Uncle Howard for 51 years. I think her advice should be heeded.

"Love must be as much a light, as it is a flame".--Henry David Thoreau

"A job begun is a job half done"

So last night, I curled up on the floor, tugged out this big Chinese chest, and proceeded to go through hundreds of photos stashed away.

Photos of my grandmother and mother in bandanas working in the garden (looking unbelievably chic and beautiful, amazingly), the old estate of "Los Arboles"--the addition of the guest home, etc. I also got to see photos of my grandmother and I just after I had been born. It's amazing--to see the way life unfolds. I'll scan the photos when I get home. They traveled to every country in high heels and dresses. I got the famous camel photo (contrast mine with it..almost painful) and some others. Their elegance is untouchable. I swear.

I also found several photos of my father. I don't like talking about my father very much--but I have to tell you, he is so handsome. There photos of my Mom and Dad before I was born, just after they had been married, and they were such a good looking couple. Almost tugs at your heart. My Aunt Pan came down from Sparks to spend some time with Grandma and me, and she was sharing so many fun stories. We sat there together, going through those photos, passports, and memories--it was a really meaningful to me. You know, to this day, it's always confused me why my mom was with my dad. I saw it, in those snapshots--Pan said my dad was such a charmer, and she says nobody could have known how things would transpire. I guess my Dad is really charming, handsome, and charismatic. What he isn't, is a father. Disappointing, isn't it?

Anyway, so in my bulging suitcase--I've got bangles, necklaces, photos, passports, it's nice to have these things around me--grandma loves that I'm into jewelry like she was/is. She's got amazing taste--to this day, she's quite the fashionista. I couldn't help but cry when I had to leave today. I love...love..love spending time with my Grandmother. She's so witty and fun. Mereisi kept apologizing that 2 days of my visit were spent in the hospital with her (she fell..I don't even feel like recounting the details of it) but after a couple of days she was released to come home..received dozens of compliments on the bouquet Mereisi brought from the garden) and I read "Emma" by Jane Austen to her. We sat there together from 8am to 9pm, making little jokes about the woman who would walk around in her hospital gown with her pink underwear hanging out openly (she was 82 I later found out and very, very sassy). Quite a lady.

So yeah, now i'm on the bus back from Guerneville to the Oakland Airport. Thank god they have wifi on the bus. I haven't written in my diary in awhile, but I found another one of Grandma's gardening journal and it made me realize how important it is to have notes on the daily happenings.

I got the job at the boys and girls club as the teen program coordinator. I'm really, really excited. I think it will reinforce what I'm learning as I get my Master's degree and do my student teaching. I applied to work in either the scottsdale unified school district or paradise valley school district. All these things are in motion, but I still feel like a bystander in the process of growing up. I've made all these things happen, but I still feel so distant from my decisions. Does that sound as strange as I think it does?

Everything that's transpired the past few months has reiterated my belief that everything happens for a reason. I really believe what's meant to be, will be. We just have to dot our i's and cross our t's. Like my family has always said, "A job begun is a job half done," likewise, "A job worth doing is a job worth doing well."


and just because...if I ever got a tattoo..it would be a line from this poem with Lenna and Grandma's initials----

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I'm bored at the airport.

Alright, firstly, I would like to mentally high five myself that I snuck through security with oversized liquids. It required careful placement, nonchalance, and a little rebelliousness. The liquid restrictions are something that really irk me. What is the difference between 4.3 and 4 oz? 4 oz and 3 oz? My theory is that it is just another way to get consumers to buy more crap they don't need (travel size bottles, toothpaste, etc). Last night, circa 1 am, I was rinsing out old travel size bottles of shampoo/conditioner and replacing it with new product. I really thought about checking my bag, but I decided to try and have a small victory over the security checkpoint. Small victories. Small victories.

Secondly, I just read an interesting..or not so interesting really, article on runnersworld.com regarding the latest Times article that claimed you don't need to exercise to lose weight. You idiot. I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that people are always looking for a quick and easy fix. There isn't. Move your body. Go walking at night, park farther away from your fast food binge, drink lower calories drinks (vodka soda, glass of wine, low cal beer). You'll feel so much better. Simple things like getting non-fat milk with your caramel macchiato at Starbucks.

For example,

Starbucks iced latte with skim milk - 80

Starbucks iced latte with whole milk - 134

Almost reduces the extra calories by half.


It isn't about looks either--it's about your health. The least fit people in a 20 year Stanford study have 4x mortality rate of the most fit people (out of 4,300 subjects). FOUR TIMES AS LIKELY TO DIE.

I know it's easy for me to say get moving, I obviously love exercise. For me, it's the best way to relieve stress or put yourself in a good mood. Speaking of which, cramming all my running gear for training into my carry-on wasn't the best, but I know it's necessary. It'll be really nice to have a break from the treadmill and be able to run along endless roads covered in redwoods. Not to mention, a hiatus from the crazy heat of Arizona. Just got lectured about running in highly populated areas when I'm there by my Mom.

After watching some "Vanished" special on E! I suppose we could all stand to be a little more aware.

I had no idea how important cell phones were in recovering bodies (so morbid, sorry!) but that's how they discovered quite a few bodies of the girls, by locating the last cell phone tower their phones came into contact with. Yeah that was definitely a downer. On a lighter note, yet another reason to be fit, so you can kick some creeper's ass. Jamie--implement those kickboxing moves. I envision Sopko starting some Metallica song in her head and just going nuts. Oh priceless.


I'm already hungry and it's 9:43..I just ate 3 hours ago.

I'm in a whole-grain spaghetti coma.

Yesterday I went to Kristie's spinning class--she's a-maz-ing. She was a competitive runner for most of her life, and she looks it. We got to talking about the marathon and she sent me a really informative e-mail to help me tweak my training program. I joined runnersworld.com, if you're a runner--you should too. It's full of recipes, training, motivation, and advice. Such a great resource.

I'm stuck in between the rookie training program and the veteran's training program. Today I did 5 miles on the treadmill and wanted to just slide off. My legs are sore from my the crazy-hard spinning yesterday and doing quadriceps...and then today I did squats, hamstrings, deadlifts, and calves. So tired.

Tonight I am going to nanny two 3 1/2 year old twins and a 6 year old. I'm really excited about the family! I am still waiting to hear back from the boys and girls club, but they've called my references and are in the process of e-mailing the teachers in Spain. So I'm taking that as a good sign and keeping my fingers crossed--pretty much my dream job. But in the mean time, lifting and running after kids will keep me in good spirits.

My bed is already calling my name and it's only 4:40.

Happy Friday!

I know absolutely nothing.

Okay the past couple days, I've been asked lots of questions about dating. The more questions I'm asked, the more responses I give, the more I realize..I have no idea. There are no rules to this 'dating' thing. People say don't have a one night stand..but for a lot of people those turn into relationships..people say don't text a girl everyday..but then a lot of my friends love that..whereas I'm thinking 'stage 5 clinger.' So I guess it just really varies from person to person.

This entry is very junior high. Pretend I wrote it to you in a note and call it a day. Don't hold it against me.


P.S: Re-discovered a quote I love,

"I’m here, and I love you. I have always loved you, and I will always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn’t want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy."

I'm such a romantic and I think the words are just.....

Endorphins, come back!

Today, I actually laid on the floor, flat on my back, staring at the ceiling, contemplating how sore I already was. Let's rewind--I was running behind this morning and missed the beginning 2 minutes of Cardio Bootcamp..so I thought..today is the day I will confront my hatred of the treadmill. Now or never.

I did about 40 minutes of arm exercises ( note..doing cardio is much better after weights ) and trudged unhappily to the treadmill. I tightened my ipod armband, turned up my music, and dedicated myself to a 1 hour alternating hill run. After the first 20 minutes, I was thinking...this incline is getting out of control. At 30 minutes I started thinking about how I could cheat (as I eyed the woman next to me getting on and off to 'fill her water bottle' wink wink) and then decided,

"If you give yourself the option to walk now, you'll want to walk when you're running 26 miles. Shut up."

It's all mental. My body is ready. My mind..like an ADD kid who ate too much sugar. So as I battled my inner angel and devil work out counterparts, I put it back to my favorite uppity music and pushed on through. The last 10 minutes, I upped my pace and sprinted through with the help of Rob Zombie. It's all about the music for me, but after you finish that initial wall--you're golden. I felt like I could run for-ev-er. As I finished my 5 minute cool down, 710 calories later, I stepped down, went over to the ab mat to stretch..and found myself laying there. Just laying. It occurred to me at that moment that 1 hour on the tread mill will be my easiest run from now on (maybe without the personal trainer hill program..killed me.). I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. You have to laugh, somehow, after an hour of really hard spinning, i'm like the energrizer bunny, an hour on the tread mill..my soul got sucked out of me and I laid there lifeless.

Can it cool down already? Running outdoors is so much better and easier.

Never fear, I eventually peeled myself off the floor and crawled over to do my decline bench abs with a 25 lb weight..then stopped to look at the class schedule..tomorrow..I'm subjecting myself to 2 spinning classes in a row..8:15-10:30 will be spinning. I wince at the thought. They are so hard. But forget it, I just think after each work-out the next one will be easier.



Today's meals:

breakfast
1/2 cup of cottage cheese with 1 banana and strawberries
coffee with skim milk..(pointless addition by the way)

post work-out snack
can of tomato soup (I was desperate)

Running is the only sport that actually makes you lose your appetite, so don't worry I'll find some fruit to eat with water later. So.......excited haha.



ps here are some of my current running songs...

and also.."love drunk" by boys like girls

Discipline.

So today was chest and back day. It was one of those mornings that after my morning coffee (sans coffee creamer, tear) I was ready to go. After my beginning weight session I went to Becky's spinning class, which was a climb/run day, and 20 miles, 750 calories later--finished my chest and back. In order to make myself feel better, I'm going to keep track of my weights progress. Today on chest fly, I've upped from (upon first return from Spain) 15 lbs to 25 comfortably. On seated row i'm still only doing sets of 60 lbs.

I talked to Becky (the trainer whose classes I attend as if it were religion) about my marathon goal and she was so excited--reiterating that this style spinning is going to be better training than the actual running and we decided should make up about 50% of my cardio training. I agree. I've already started trying to push through the wall in class, during sprints with resistance, I just try and imagine I'm at the wall point in the marathon. Make every work out count.

One thing I will do my best to take to heart is that Becky said I need to work up to everything, progress, not just throw myself into it and burn out. So I'm going to start doing my research and creating a personalized training schedule.

I asked one of the main trainers at Gold's if there was a members' group for the marathon. I think that would be such a great idea, we all live close to each other..obviously not dainty if you work out there, and it'd be a good way to facilitate a running group. I really can't believe nobody's started one before.

So, my biggest personal hurdle is going to be food. I love comfort food. The worst part is that the best home made brownies so far are sitting in the refrigerator. Also, chocolate rice krispies treats. I told my brother they better be gone by the time I get home. I'm generally a really healthy eater..but sweets are my downfall..love ice cream...chocolate..mmm chocolate. I'm going to have to get really creative.

So...i'll keep track of what I'm eating. I know I'll need to up my calories as my cardio times increase...but today so far,

Breakfast:
1/2 cottage cheese, with 1 banana and peach.

Post work-out
1/4 cottage cheese, 1 plum.


Things I'm going to miss:

1. Brownies
2. Paradise Bakery--chicken walnut sandwich
3. California Pizza Kitchen..their chinese chicken salad is a whopping 757 calories. (( LA menu had the caloric information..it will haunt me for-ev-er...one of their seemingly light salads had 1600 calories)

just go for the pasta, it's less calories.

4. Pei Wei Chicken..pad thai isn't so bad (20 grams of fat) versus Spicy Chicken Salad..52 grams of fat.
5. The good mac n' cheese with sour cream
6. Starbucks & Coffee creamer
7. The occasional alcohol (goodbye kiltlifter and wine)

As I get more familiar with the dietary information I'm sure i'll switch up my diet--so far everything i've read has just emphasized good carbohydrates (easy) protein (chicken/eggs are the best) veggies and fruit. So today is day one of dietary hell. Until I get creative with nutritiously sound recipes..which on good morning america they were showing fat free brownies and low-fat mac n' cheese with sweet potatoes..mmmm. So...I'm sure i'll work it out.


So..August 4th. The death of my dietary pleasure.

All or nothing.

It's 12:01 AM and I've decided to run the marathon on January 17th. I know if I write it, it's binding in a way. So here it is. I'm going to embark on this athletic feat, throw myself into it, do it--all or nothing. I can't explain it to you, but I've been looking for some kind of challenge--physical challenges suit me best. I can stir up all my emotionally raw moments, use them as fuel, and exchange tears for sweat.

Maybe it's just time, you know? Time to take on those 26 miles and 385 yards. Time to step right up to that whole history-soaked, messenger-in-ancient-Greece situation. You'll wear better shoes than Pheidippides did, of course. (He ran barefoot.) And as race sensations go, you'll be shooting for something a little less dramatic. (He immediately died.) But you will be a marathoner, is the point. And let's face it: athletically speaking, there is your marathoner, and then there is everyone else.

I loved this article because it confronted every lingering question I had ( of course..post decision, the wheels started churning that maybe I'm jumping heels over head)

HOW MUCH OF A DAILY TIME COMMITMENT ARE WE TALKING? On "short" days, you're looking at 80 minutes, max. Figure 5 minutes for changing, 30 to 60 minutes for actual exercise, and 15 for showering. On "long" days, when the runs are between 8 and 20 miles, the actual running may take from one to 3.5 hours. The good news: as noted, most programs have only one long run a week, not to mention a day off.


WILL IT HURT? Oh, yes. Especially if you're starting from scratch. You'll struggle with breath for the first six weeks, says Finke, who has groomed rookie runners for two decades. And depending on how far gone from "fit" you are, it could take between six months and a year for your bones, muscles, joints, and tendons to get used to the near-daily pounding. Women in particular, Finke observes, may struggle. Whereas even out-of-shape men usually have played enough sports to understand that masochism is part of improvement, female runners are often true rookies -- people with almost no sports experience, she says. So they have to get used to the whole pain thing for the first time.

The next thing that struck me was my eating. I baked brownies tonight. I also was treated a chicken walnut sandwich from paradise bakery. Something tells me these are going to be a thing of the past. 5 months without sweets or junk food. All or nothing right? Also..limiting my coffee and alcohol intake? Maybe not the coffee.

Ø Balanced proportions of carbohydrate, protein, fat
Ø Increase your carbohydrate consumption as your training intensifies
Ø Moderate calorific intake
Ø Plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables
Ø Moderate alcohol and coffee consumption
Ø Less sweets, and ‘junk’ food

Finally,

Running distances, whether it’s a mile or 18, is all about whether you know you can get through it. Especially when you hit a point in your run where you’re tired or your legs hurt or you’re hungry. The marathon is a testing event and many runners hit something called "The Wall". The Wall occurs at a certain point where you simply feel that you can’t move any longer. Your legs are exhausted and your energy stores are gone. Here is where you need the mental abilities to conquer the wall and the pain. Think about the finish line. Take things slowly. Think positively and that this pain is temporary. Unless of course you have a serious injury coming on- then take the proper care. However, if it’s just a question of whether or not you can finish, this is a race against yourself.

So I'm thinking coupling my running training with lots of spinning, kickboxing and yoga will keep me grounded. I'm oddly excited to start this experimentation.

WHAT WILL SURPRISE ME? Finke says there are three sides to marathon training: the physical side, the mental side, and the "dark side." The dark side is something rookies have to prepare for. It is simply the concept that sometimes training doesn't work; sometimes you can train perfectly and just have a bad day on race day; and sometimes there are marathon conditions that you have no control over and that can undermine you.

Hm.

Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle

Love makes mutes of those who habitually speak most fluently.

Love is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.

god damn people are funny.

I love funny people.  Love them.  Whoever created textsfromlastnight.com is my new bestfriend.  Here are a couple ones that made me smile..

"and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening"

"(330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down"

"(303): I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund."

"(617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.(508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me"

"i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes"

"White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy."

"(585): This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation."

"(405): I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome"

and this one just made me painfully happy..

"(404): "tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?"

"(508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets."

P.S. I miss you

I'm missing my right arm, (kenny) and it's most palpable in the moments I just want to call and share the story I know only he would get. I know we are supposed to be supportive of our friend's big adventures..but selfishly, I would love to have all my favorite people within a 1 block radius.

"Good friends are like stars-you don't always see them, but you know they are always there. "

Let's not take a trip to negative town..

Cursed, I'm the absent minded professor. Let's review..cat card? replaced over 15 times. Dorm room key? Gone for the entire second semester (Yes my room was unlocked..) Gold's Gym pass? Lost every other morning. THIS MORNING...my bank card. I pretty much ended up destroying my meticulous retreat in a frenzy to find it. Retrace my steps..retrace my steps..Guerneville, China Town, San Francisco, Los Angeles, various airports, Grand Canyon, Flagstaff, Gold's, Ulta, Bashas..It's amazing what places you will look when an important thing is missing. Every jean pocket was turned, every purse was emptied (thankfully recently organized and cleaned..) suitcase liners, laundry basket, washer, dryer, couch cushions, three cars, are you tired of my list yet? I was exasperated. As I stripped all my bedding off and shook each thing out..my hands rested on my hips as I stared over my linen pile..totally pointless. I watched the clock tick to 9:30..goodbye spinning. Officially awake at 7 am for no real reason except to look through my house and ransack my bedroom.

After talking to Wells Fargo and double checking my online banking, I gave all the cars one last run through...sure enough behind my driver's seat..the little silver card sparkled. Why is it..you can look some place..and then 15 minutes later when you've given up..there it is?

I was definitely frustrated. It was one of those easily avoidable situations you kick yourself for. I don't understand how I can be so neat and organized..but constantly misplacing my everyday essentials like the gym pass. I tried not to get too flustered, but I just felt irritated by the whole stress of searching for it, calling the bank, worrying about it that by the time I stepped into the gym..I couldn't focus enough on my work out. Sure enough, by going to my tried and true tension release after weights, the hill session on the tread mill balanced me out. Nothing like endorphins to put a bounce in your step.

So anyway, it got me thinking--the theme of my return home has been positivity. I really believe in laws of attraction--you get back from the universe what you put out. I know that most of the time, many situations are beyond our control, but what is in our control is our attitude. I haven't mastered this "perfect positive attitude" 24/7 yet (as this morning reiterated)..but it's something I'm aware of and making a conscious effort to improve. I don't know if anyone is calm and calculated all the time..but I'd like to be as close to that as possible..if it's possible.

“There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative.”

“When we create something, we always create it first in a thought form. If we are basically positive in attitude, expecting and envisioning pleasure, satisfaction and happiness, we will attract and create people, situations, and events which conform to our positive expectations.”

“A positive attitude may not solve every problem but it makes solving any problem a more pleasant experience.”

Unrelated.. YOUR (POSSESSIVE) and YOU'RE (YOU ARE) simple..simple..simple.

There are no words when someone suffers the loss of a loved one..

In life we suffer ineffable losses..it is what it is; never easy, never understandable--losing a loved one makes me wish forever existed.

Life is eternal, and love is immortal,
and death is only a horizon;
and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.

Death is as casual-and often as unexpected-as birth. It is as difficult to define grief as joy. Each is finite. Each will fade

The cure for grief is motion.

For death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity.

Where grief is fresh, any attempt to divert it only irritates

The one that speaks the most to me is this,

Grief drives men into habits of serious reflection, sharpens the understanding, and softens the heart

Still waters run deep

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars...."
-Jack Kerouac

Tomorrow morning we are going to the Grand Canyon--I'm really excited to hike it. I can only hope it won't be a tragic fail like Fossil Creek. We are bringing Bella along for the adventure as well (She's obviously staying at the top...). It'll be good..there is nothing like the sound of feet hitting the pavement to empty your head and heart.

Something is unnerving me today--I can't place my finger on it. Maybe it's nothing..maybe it's everything. If I told you--I'm searching for something but I'm not quite sure what that is yet, would you get it? It's as if I'm so focused that things are becoming blurry--too concentrated.

I had a thought last night when I was talking to Wilson: do you find it strange that I can never see myself being married? Is that normal? This would be a good conversation to have when the girls are all together..get a group consensus and opinion. But, I can't. Sometimes, I have this vision---an aisle with white chairs but the groom is out of focus, unable to be seen. I don't know if that's because right now..I'm really on my own..and that's the way I want it. I used to be more involved in the dating scene..or in dating..or I'm not even sure how to explain, needless to say I was acting my age--but these days...I feel distant from that whole world. The odd thing is I've done it myself. I can go on a date..but I'm not really invested. What a strange thing to admit. Just something that occurred to me last night. I'm tempted to delete this whole paragraph--that's the worst part about writing things--it's easy to erase it and pretend you never had that thought in your head. Amazing how we fluctuate one day to the next. Or maybe it's just me.


These days, it's true-- "Still waters run deep".

Apparently I'm recycling-retarded.

Well my mom just threw my infamous "google it" quote in my face--allegedly my paper plate isn't legitimate recycling. I'm confused..paper..plastic..? When did I become blonde about recycling? So I took her advice and am about to embark on a recycling adventure...don't judge me if you are already a recycling aficionado.


Quick Facts:

•  United States makes up about 5% of world's population but is largest producer of trash at 1,609 pounds per person per year.
  

•  Thus, 5% of world's population produces about 40% of world's waste
  

•  Recycling in the United States is only about 28% (doubled from a decade ago..I guess that's positive) 
  

Granted we are still seemingly ahead of the European curve--

•  Greece falls short with only 10% of its waste being recycled and the remaining 90% going to the landfills.
  
• The UK is estimated to recycle about 17.7%, and Ireland, Italy, Portugal and Luxembourg being not too far behind.
  

Alright I ended up just googling, "Are paper plates recyclable?" and thus far I've gotten mixed answers. I was redirected to Scottsdale's website...






Annnnnnd my mom won this round...

No Facial or Toilet Tissue,Paper Towels, Paper Plates, Paper Beverage Cups, Napkins,Gift Wrap, Diapers, Pet Food Bags,FedEx or Self-sealing Envelopes

However all beer pong enthusiasts can do their recycling part,  those little red cups are good---

All plastic cups and containers #1-7, plastic bottles, jugs, jars, yogurt containers, cottage cheese containers, margarine and whipped topping tubs, "Clamshell" food containers and disposable plastic cups

It made me so happy

So..if you know me..you know that my Grandmother is my favorite person to be around. She is so positive and intelligent--her wit and tact leave a permanent smile on my face. She's 95..and amazing. My favorite thing to do is sit with her and read, looking out over the garden, talking about life, books, and everything in between. I curled up in my grandpa's old chair, blanket on my lap, eating cherries, reading "Emma" by Jane Austen. 
It was one of those rare moments where you are totally, undoubtedly, home. My childhood is tucked away in every corner of her garden; from playing in the creek, picking apples in the apple orchard, sprawling out in the grass with the sun on my face, to enjoying lunch on the deck, looking at the hydrangeas.

This weekend meant so much to me--I decided that I need to go back and visit my Grandma before school starts on the 24th so I'm trying to set out a solid week to spend time with her. When I was perusing her bookshelves, I found a journal with a red flower on the front, inscribed inside was 'From Amy--1981.' Her scrawled penmanship encapsulated over 20 years of life and experiences. I slid onto the floor, completely oblivious to everything going on around me, and started reading the stories through my 23 year old eyes versus the memories I remembered from my childhood perspective. These are the things I wanted to ask my grandmother but never have been able to, given the day, after her stroke in December 2006. I swear to you, written notes in books have been the puzzle pieces to the past. Grandma reminded me that the notes we leave in books are like having a conversation..and I can't tell you how many times I've re-read Lenna's writing in my favorite books and laughed in agreement or scrunched my nose at a shared dislike. I don't know how to explain it to you...but I read that she planted a rose plant on each of our birth days...told me my parent's anniversary was March 23rd, explained the move from their estate "Los Arboles" to "Seven Gates" on Armstrong Woods Road..and told me about her love for my grandpa, they shared "the closest thing to a perfect marriage that could exist." Her re-telling his last days with us, and laying in bed holding him for 2 days before he passed away will always be with me. Those are the stories you don't hear as a child..and those are the things that mean the most now.

I left the book for now..I'm going to dedicate a whole day to it when I go back in a couple weeks. My mom said it was only one of many diaries. I hope with all that I have that I can find them. That would mean the world to me. The conversations I may not ever get to have with her after the stroke, in her own words, in the moment. I hope that encourages you guys to keep a diary. Sometimes for kicks i'll go back to the same day 2 years back to see where I was at that time..it's good to see where you've grown and where you still have work to do. Does that make sense?

Okay enough about that. After we first got to Guerneville, I took Antonio to one of my favorite places--The Redwood forest. It's about 1 mile up the road from my grandmother's house and it's breathtaking. It's quiet, peaceful and dark. Like entering another world, losing yourself in the height of the trees, where the sounds of the city fade away and after a few steps are long forgotten.






On Saturday we went into the city, started out by Ghiradelli and Fisherman's Wharf--then hopping on the cable car to China Town and Union Square.

Spotted--totally metro man rocking a fanny pack at Union Square in San Francisco. I almost did a happy dance. I wanted to be like.."(nudge nudge) I have one too.."


I have to tell you..in all seriousness..the fanny pack is so convenient. That's why they were so popular. Who needs a shoulder bag when you can have all your essentials conveniently located in a little pouch? Likewise when your cell phone is going off in your fanny pack..a nice glow effect is created. Fanny packs really up the ante of any outfit..especially... when dazzling with 80s-esque dance moves. I wish I could wear it everyday. Maybe i'll bring them back.


We went to my Mom's old house in the Berkeley hills..it's so beautiful there. We went up to the lookout point and took a couple photos over the city..

Then we went down to grab coffee and lunch on Telegraph AVENUE (WILSON)..I got yelled at by a homeless hippie who was saying "I just want to get drunk!" about the same time I was looking to make sure Antonio wasn't totally traumatized..but she thought I was shooting her a nasty look and yelled "Don't judge me or i'll start to judge you" I was going to stop and explain the misunderstanding but decided..better if I don't.

The rental car PT Cruiser (right up there with my love of mini vans..no offense. it's like cruising around in a pimped out hearse). performed a fantastic feat today at the parking garage..we got locked in and I got out..moved the cones and propped up the traffic block bar (correct word..no clue) and my mom flew out the entrance. I don't know what happened to the parking attendant or why the cones were there...but needless to say my mom was riding dirty in the pt cruiser with Antonio as a fateful co-pilot.


you should also know..antonio has one of those pay as you go phones and this 480 number keeps texting him about covering shifts, birthday parties, etc. he's told them several times its the wrong number and after they have refused to stop calling/messaging. So he is now texting this 'kendall' person back--"how much does the shift pay? what time should I be there? how are you?" they have been texting since we were in the shuttle from the rental car place..his latest text read "Well I was hoping to talk because I feel depressed. Love you honey" while anxiously awaiting them to realize he is not the person they meant to text---a lesson to not text the wrong person.

Okay...saltiness subsided.

Alright I almost have to wag my finger at myself. So I know I woke up bitter with a dating hangover. Yes..a dating hangover..I think they exist..where the events of the night before are so haunting that you wake up with a bad taste in your mouth and a headache..as you cringe when flashbacks hit you.

As far as things go..you just have to laugh. It's funny when I write about awkward dating experiences because in general..that's not a big aspect of my life right now. My life feels whole and the right guy would be a welcome addition..not a necessity.

I was talking to S last night and we had a great idea..working our way through cook books. One recipe a weekend on girls night. I love that idea and can't wait to get it started after I finish my summer traveling extravaganza. (Last weekend LA, San francisco this weekend and then the Grand Canyon next weekend..)

So..after a little reflection and coffee..I let go of the bitterness and realized I feel like I could be giving back to the community a lot more. I have been thinking a lot about Zeus and when we first got him. Zeus was from the humane society and was about to euthanized..my Mom went just to look randomly one day after work and they had an immediate bond. The woman at the shelter said we shouldn't get a chow-chow for a family environment because they are prone to aggression..anyone who knew Zeus knew he was kindest soul. Afraid of flies. Moped around a little like Eeyore. I miss him.

So..I started googling animal shelters near me and am going to phone around today about volunteering. As far as working while I get my Master's, I want to be doing something fulfilling..my mind is going a thousand miles per minute.

Antonio and I are riding our bikes to go play tennis and then will probably stop by Starbucks on the way back before going to the gym. It's one of those days where I just want to get out all the tension in my body via sports. Tennis is great for that, just put all your energy into a serve..see what happens.

Stranded in the dating desert of douchebaggery. SOS.

Imagine--it's 109 degrees, the heat is blaring on your skin--no cars in sight, no movement, no sound. It's just you...crawling from exhaustion..being followed by slow-moving (because their jeans are too damn tight), over-tanned, over-waxed, Ed Hardy wearing, douchebags. You try to get up and keep running..but you can't..you've probably been slipped a Rufi by one of their ugly, desperate friends. LOOK OUT! Old Man River is coming to pick you up in his expensive car..shit move, his bad cologne is going to suffocate you! AH! To the right there is an over-confident and over-sexed 17 year old try to hit on you at the gym.."don't let the baby face fool you"--get me out of here!!!



Dating in the rampant douchebag social scene of Scottsdale has just about become too much. I, Courtney Elizabeth Emert-Taylor, surrender to the Douchebag gods--I want to make an official karmic-cleansing apology to any guy I have ever treated badly, any d-bag I made fun of at a bar, any guy I didn't call back, any too nice guy I walked over, etc...etc.

It's not just me, this rant is coming from a couple months of shared dating disasters. I would like to say my epiphany started coming to me when one of my bestfriend's shared a nightmarish story about a dating disaster. This dating disaster is priceless because my friend is the prettiest, tiniest, sweetest person you'll ever meet--and in an attempt to get back one of her main study books--she had to listen to her douchy ex on the other side of the door 'mocking' and 'taunting' her by talking to his dog saying "it's okay..the scary/crazy lady will go away soon." Are you kidding me? She about flipped a bitch on the door, which just makes me laugh because she's so calm and small--she never got the book that day but he did later return it to her..bad case of ugly guy with an attitude.

And then it's at the bars..if one more upper-middle aged man tries to hit on me, I'll scream. What vibe am I putting out that it's okay for you to blatantly try and pick me up? I was in the womb when you were hitting the streets for your 21st. No silver foxes need apply..it's at the point at the gym that I want to be like, "Oh..if you think I'm attractive, I look just like my Mom and she's single."

I just can't wrap my head around the awkwardness of the dating scene these days. Last night, we'll call her friend A went over to a guys house she had been talking to for about a month--upon arrival any shiny object caught his attention. He was acting anxious/tense as hell. After one of his ADD episodes, they decided to get a movie. Closed. Went to the movie theatre. Big Surprise, nothing playing. Then they went to a bar to see if anything was happening..it wasn't. He then inquired what her friends were doing. RANDOM WEEK NIGHT. She's never had a guy try so hard to not just spent time with HER. En route, they ended up stopping at every "flicker of light" that caught his eye. The worst part is she had brought him baked goods, then after their tragic car adventure, upon arrival he said, "You can come up if you want, but I'm not really doing anything." She simply asked for her plate, her dignity, and an exit.

I think I just need to go back to Spain where dating wasn't even an option.

I just don't want to keep dating these toolbags. A guy can seem charming at first..and then 1 monthish later..he's a nightmare. My only advice to any girls who are likewise in the dating desert of douchebaggery--keep your standards high and stay classy. I have more class in my pinky finger than the skank bags wandering around on Saturday night have in their whole body. That's probably why guys don't remember how to work for it..skank bags make it easy.

F.M.L.

I said it yesterday morning to Antonio on the way to the gym and I'm saying it now--I'm out. I am out of this awkward, dating, russian roulette game. I have a life--a great one, and I don't need bad dates bringing it down a notch. Please God..no more bad dates!

It's been awhile.

I'm kind of at a loss of where to start. The one thing you can count on in life is that nothing stays the same. And things..definitely aren't the same.

Zeus passed away yesterday. I just couldn't get home fast enough. I believe that everything happens for a reason...but right now I'm just baffled by how crazy-complicated yesterday was. A domino effect of bad circumstances and luck. I've never lost a pet before..and it's an incomparable feeling of helplessness and sadness. I'm grateful that he wasn't in pain and that he had a wonderful life..he was a wonderful dog. That's all superficial words of comfort I tell myself--the truth is, some things are tragic and painful. Sometimes, I wish forever existed. Pets are family, their absence is felt in the most ineffable ways. Today was quiet around the house and he was really missed. An absence that doesn't seem real just yet. It's hard right now. I'm not as strong as my mom is about these things..I honestly wonder about life's hardships--does death, loss, ever get easier? I can't imagine that it really does. In fact, I hope i'm never accustomed to it.

The other news is that Kenny officially moved away to Australia. That's another thing, you never realize how important someone is in your life until they aren't there anymore. That's an adjustment too. It's hard to be away from the people care about--an unfair aspect of individual journeys.

I got accepted into the Master's program and my first day is August 24th. It hasn't really hit me that I'm starting this adventure, dedicating myself to teaching. It feels like i'm going about the movements without really processing my actions and the end result. I'm excited but absent--it's a complicated ambiguity. Transitioning without reflecting.

This is a really random entry--it's odd I have no desire to write. So much is going on in my head that it's easier to just check out today. I've allotted myself one check out day. I think it's a mixture of things--circumstances are sad, but life has not been sad. I think lately i've had this calm around me, no matter how stressful or chaotic things get, I still have an ability to keep my head above the water.

I just have to tell you that yesterday on our trip from LAX to Ontario airport to get on a flight, I met a soldier returning home for 15 days from Afghanistan. He had this somberness about him....someone you could sense had seen things..done things. It makes you think about selflessness. It also made me think about the words I couldn't express--a gratitude, respect.

There are these people among us, military, police officers, fire fighters--people who are willing to risk their lives to help someone else. I'm awed and humbled to even begin to comprehend the bravery and humility of their character. I've just met so many genuinely kind and giving people the past couple days in the oddest of circumstances--people really are incredible...and for that I'm thankful.