keep breathing

“When we tire of well worn ways, we seek for new. This restless craving in the souls of men spurs them to climb, and to seek the mountain view.”

As I sat amidst the teachers at Posadas del Rey, it occurred to me that this is the right place for me to be. I listened to Juan Manuel, who has taken on a paternal role towards me, correct my pronunciation and encourage me to eat more--I felt truly happy.

Pilar also let the cat out of the bag, that she and Juan Manuel were going to surprise me tomorrow with a coffee maker. It made my heart melt. Consider me a soon-to-be aficionado of Spanish coffee.

Today in school, I had to bring in a picture from home to help the students practice using the past tense. I brought in a picture from homecoming last year--Amy, Jamie, Sop and I are all standing on the mall decked out in our U of A gear--and the students said we look like movie stars. They couldn’t believe we were wearing shorts and tank tops in November. I wished the girls were here to hear them talk about it. Also, I haven’t seen it but I guess in the movie Highschool Musical, the school’s team is called the Wildcat’s--so they understood my love for Wilbur. After I introduced the picture and re-read the paragraphs with fill in the blank worksheets, pairs of students came and sat with me and introduced their pictures discussing (who they were chatting with, where were they, what were they wearing, were they having a good time, etc.) and it was very endearing to see pictures of them when they were 8 years old having a birthday party.

I also helped Antonio translate an Art activity today. Amazingly, I could translate complicated paragraphs easily and efficiently with little difficulty or misunderstanding. It helped me feel more at ease, knowing that even if I do not speak Spanish perfectly I am making progress.

Most of the teachers are sick at the moment, Maria Carmen could not go to the beach this weekend because her daughter was so sick--Antonio is recovering, Pilar is sick like me, and the rest are hoping they do not catch it. Yesterday I disinfected the bathroom to hopefully keep my brother from getting sick... My brother who flew first class the entire way to Spain. So jealous.

Anyways, important note--I gave my brother the space heater for his room and took the one that does not work. I have officially completed my sisterly duty for the year.

P.S: My mom sent money to help with the beginning expenses of Spain, $200 which turned into only 135 euros. Ouch. I have to go put money on the USB for internet ( 60 euros for 1 gb of internet..whatever that means. They don’t offer internet w/o an 18 month contract. So I’m kind of screwed on that end.) and 20 euros for my Spanish mobile which will last about 1 1/2 weeks...double ouch. I’m going to start going to the school in the evening to hopefully be able to talk to everybody via skype ( aka, I can call them on their cell phone from my computer to talk) I hate feeling out of the loop.

and all at once it hit me.

Last night, as I sat perched on a chair in the kitchen, wedged between another person and a stove--watching this trashed girl throw herself clumsily at an equally trashed boy. It hit me that sometimes I feel really alone here. I was in a crowded house party, taking in American's who live like they're Spanish. I know the quote, "When in Rome"--but at what point does it stray from "When in Rome, Do As The Romans Do" and cross the line to altering my personal lifestyle choices?

I can't explain it fully. It was 3am, and I was observing an american crammed into an Audrey Hepburn lookalike dress, with no make up on, and her hair drunkenly askew--listening to her preach, "I love men. I love women. I love it all." It's like, being in Spain suddenly made her somebody else..as if being Spanish is way cooler than being American.  IDK I think it just felt that way last night, maybe i'm in a bad mood, maybe i'm not ready to be out and about, not acclimated enough yet.  I was criticized and thrown under the bus as I sat discontentedly, waiting to talk to someone who wasn't wearing a mask. Waiting to talk to someone who could admit..yeah it's really late..let's get going. Apparently, i'm the lamest person on the earth for not wanting to leave to go to a club at 4am. Seriously? One girl, i hadn't even met, snapped "But nobody will be at the club right now, it's too early" (I look at my watch and realize it's 3:30am. Please.) It turned into a pissing contest about "It's Spain, they stay out til 8am."

At that point I was done. I sat there, dressed up and ready to see Spanish nightlife completely put off by illness as I inhaled the cloud of cigarette smoke that filled the apartment, watching people devour Jamon flavored Lays and sit on their foreign high horse.  I think I just wanted to go out with the girls (mandy & sara). Just get out. At that point, I just felt like a fish out of water. I felt completely out of place in the nightlife scene.

It got me thinking about night life in general--and the two categories people fall under. 1, the cocktail --the person who likes to go out, have a couple drinks, and socialize with their friends. 2, the keg --the person who drinks way too much, and wants to be out, usually only to say that they WERE out. I know it's not that black and white.

I started getting sick a couple days ago and by last night it was full force, swollen throat, hurts to swallow, body aches. I tried to push myself to go out, just to experience the night life, but circa 4am I began to wonder at what cost to myself--being tired the next day b/c i had to get up early, probably propagating illness..it just didn't feel worth it to sit there anymore.

Actually, it felt like freshman year of college all over again, and the total hotmess that was fraternity parties--but i'm not an 18 year old girl anymore, i'm 22. I'm ready for something more. I missed my friends last night, I missed my fun, social, shenanigan filled life at home. I miss O'malleys, I miss Dirtbags, I miss Old Town.  I miss my places--my comfort zone. 

I have my ups and downs, somedays I love Spain and love Posadas. Other days, like right now--I get so homesick it hurts.


“When we truly realize that we are all alone is when we need others the most”

Granada :)

I am so excited to be in Granada! When I got off the bus, there were actually people my age. It was incredible to be out and about without 60 + year old men staring at me suspiciously or having to scour the grocery store for edible food. We went to the supermarket to pick up cake, icecream and wine for Sarah's bday dinner.

Low and behold, upon discovering they had peanutbutter (an oddly missed delicacy from home) I saw that they had Nutella too. I am so very happy with my 2 jars of peanutbutter and nutella. Great Success. I can envision myself sitting in my room in Posadas, smugly enjoying a peanutbutter and nutella sandwich. Thank you Granada.

Leah made fajitas for dinner and they were so tasty--I will definitely have to start cooking myself fajitas in Posadas. It was nice to stand around in the kitchen, drinking wine (which is only .90 euros here for a bottle btw, Amy I thought of you and our wonderful wine nights.) and just talking about everything and nothing at the same time. MGNT was playing in the background...and it couldn't have been more entertaining or fitting.

Anyways, tomorrow we are going to walk around Granada and do a bit of shopping. I'm excited to get some more warm scarves and some books in english. Then we are going out on the town for Sarah's birthday, it'll be really nice to be out and about in the city. Overall I just missed spending time with the girls and getting to goof off.

Tonight we are just going to lay low and rest up for tomorrow. I think we are actually going to watch Sex and the City...no sleepover (even a Spanish one) wouldn't be complete without it.

Missing you guys

Happy Friday!

So happy friday :) I am relieved it's friday and I finally got to take a really long hot shower this morning. So so so happy. Last night I went to the Butano shop and got the gas refilled, so I won't be experiencing a burst of cold water randomly for awhile. Afterwards I went to the grocery store..and what happened next left me pretty baffled and at a loss for words haha

So the frutas y verduras are right on the left when you walk into Dia (the supermercado) and I really wanted to get some apples, pears, etc. Will told me last time he went he got told off by the grocery store supervisor, little did I know I would be told off too for the same mistake. I was picking/bagging my own fruits when she came whirling around the corner, "no no no!" so eventually I surrendered, put down the fruit and handed over the bags. I then had to tell her how much I wanted of each fruit, I hadn't really had a plan of how much I needed so I now have random assortments of green peppers, tomatoes, apples, & green chilis--walking away after the whole ordeal with a confused look on my face, I struggled whether to be angry or just laugh..totally upset that I got the grossest pears of all time. Apparently she didn't think I deserved good ones lol.

I was too tired to argue or ask if I could just do it by myself in the future and give them to her afterwards to weigh, etc. I had my first school field trip yesterday to Cordoba with all the first year students (11-12) so entertaining. In the morning we got on this massive tour esque bus to go.




It was also the first time i've turned green on a bus from motion sickness --however listening to the kids chat and show weird videos on their phones kept me pretty distracted. Anyways, we went to the Mezquita and the Alcazar. They were B E A U T I F U L. I took a lot of pictures and was in awe of the whole thing. It was so cold my fingers, nose, and toes were numb :) Afterwards, we went to the Ciudad de los ninos, a vast, picturesque playground for children.

I seem to be a huge trouble maker in spain, I got reprimanded yet again-- for sitting on the swing, the park czar told me it was only for kids 14 and under. I was pretty disappointed. I think they should make playgrounds for adults.






Anyways, I decided definitively to go visit Mandy and Sarah in Granada this weekend until saturday or sunday (troy is coming on sunday to cordoba) so im going to the bus station after school today with my big backpack, my fateful traveling companion. I felt slightly odd walking to school this morning in my nice teaching outfit with this hulking backpack on. I listened to Taylor Swift's new album on my way to school--it was interesting walking the aged, tiny streets of Posadas listening to music from home, does that sound weird? Anyways, here are the songs I was listening to at 9am Spain time :)

Fish out of water

The word of the day is “kinetic: 1, of or relating to the motion of material bodies and the forces and energy associated with them *2: of or relating to art having movable mechanical parts.

Kinetic is the most perfect word for today, I feel fixed amongst all the kinetic energy around me. Everyone moving complacently, peacefully in their own routine. I was the only one out of my element; frozen by the unknown.

Today was my first day teaching, I dressed up in my chocolate trousers, black heels and black turtle neck. I’m officially playing the role of a sophisticated grown-up. Don’t laugh, but I kind of feel like Foreign Teacher Barbie--dressing up to play a part that isn’t really me. As I walked down the hallway from my room to the kitchen, listening to the rhythmic clicking of my heels on the cold tile, it reminded me of when my mother would come and pick me up from the Nurse’s office when I was sick. I would turn to the plump Nurse and say proudly..definitively, “That’s my Mom.”

The morning went a little differently than I had imagined the night before, mainly due to the fact that I slept in an extra 45 minutes. In my defense, my mom called me at 12:42AM confused by the time difference and the Mesoncito tavern was getting shipments throughout the night, causing enough irritation to make me figure out the best way to convey my interrupted sleep, the best I could come up with was “Por favor, es muy tarde!”

Anyways, I pulled out the toasted that was still in the box from the cabinets, shoved two pieces of white bread (they don’t have wheat bread..sigh) and became a conossieur of wedged toast--using various utensils to get them back out, in pieces of course. I decided it was in my best interest to share my toast since I had changed our original plan of the cafe for cafe con leche y una tostada con mantequilla. I also forgot my teaching schedule, luckily Pilar brought an extra copy which is now mounted on the bilingual teaching lounge’s door. On the walk to the school, we bumped into students who were doing physical education--which consists of walking around the town since there is no gymnasium or area to do sports. Pretty random. The boy students started calling after me “Rubia, Rubia!” that was pretty entertaining as well. I might be the only blonde at the school...maybe in the town too.



My first hour was with Maria, a tall Spanish woman who was originally born in Canada. She reminds me of a model and speaks very good english. Her students, who are 14-15 years old are very difficult. They are really loud and get embarrassed speaking in english. They did not know what I meant when I said “I am from the United States.” I had to explain it in Spanish, apparently we have a lot of work to do. There are a group of about 6 boys who sit in the far left corner separated from the rest of the class because they are “slow learners.” It is really sad because there is only one high school in Posadas so all of the students receive the same education and receive little special attention. To keep them from talking to each other when I was speaking, I asked them questions about themselves--Angel put his head down on his desk and Antonio covered his mouth with his scarf. Eventually they answered and did a very good job. Before class, I did not understand they were slow and perceived them to be students prone to bad behavior. I think I have a soft spot for them and will do my best to help them as much as I can. Or at the very least, be their friend.

After that class, I went and met with Antonio--he is the arts teacher for the older children and just needs help preparing his bilingual course for next year. We bonded over our macintosh computers of all things. He showed me pictures of his cat and dog Mimi (a big chihuahua like Bella!) he is married and lives in Cordoba. His class is really cool--he has programs on the computer that show you the angles of triangles, etc. We are basically going to be translating the art terminology from Spanish to English. We will also try and come up with activities to use the new vocabulary. At first I was intimidated by Art, but now I’m excited because I really love Art even though I’m terrible at it. He specializes in sculpture.

Then I went back upstairs to meet Pilar and go to my next class. The students are very quiet and well-behaved, a stark contrast to the students from earlier in the day. They speak english pretty well and follow directions with little fuss. I introduced myself again (name, age, family, hobbies, nationality, mother tongue haha)

After that I had “conversation” with Maria Dolores and Eli. They are practicing for their english exam and need to work on their speaking abilities. They are both pretty good--but I felt a little bit awkward today not knowing what to talk about. I feel strange being a peer to people I still feel are my teachers, does that make sense? Anyways we talked about our favorite food and good places to eat in Posadas. Eli laughed when I told her I like to eat dinner around 6pm (which is quite a problem here because people don’t eat until 8pm or later). I’m a fish out of water.

Finally, after everything I was able to go to the staff room and use the wireless internet. THANK YOU LORD JESUS FOR WIRELESS INTERNET!!!! It was so exciting to get on AIM (granted it was only 6am at home..nobody was on anyway) but it was still like a total treasure to be connected to the outside world. Mandy was online and we got to catch up--it was so nice to talk to her! You can’t imagine how difficult it is to be the only one going through this experience. I am the only one who knows what this is like. I think I might go visit her in Granada this weekend, however it is Sarah’s birthday so I am sure they are going to be wanting to stay out really late--but maybe I can persuade Mandy to come back earlier with me (as in 1am..not 8am). My internet time was cut short because the school was closing, one of the Spanish teachers (not in the bilingual program) offered Will and I a ride home because it was raining. That was really, really nice. I wanted to go running, but it was only 30 degrees. Might have ended badly, probably with leg cramps and a cold. To be totally honest, I ended up crying out of the blue when I realized I have not done anything normal, anything that I would do at home. I felt momentarily like I had lost my sense of identity, happiness. A helped me decide that it would be just as well to go running tomorrow when it is supposed to be sunny, and then go see about joining the little gym. I also admitted that I miss Bella terribly.

Troy is coming on Sunday--but I guess he is going to travel other places when he is here, I don’t blame him for not wanting to stay in Posadas. There is nothing besides warm people, cafes, and a rundown gym. I am the only American in Posadas. I am..Rubia.


PS: I finished reading “She’s Come Undone” (I blame the book for my temporary emotional meltdown, it’s really depressing. But as I hoped, it ended happily. I feel better about it now.) And I also figured out how to check my voicemail. The minor mishap was that I could not understand the directions (since they are in spanish) and I entered my pin number that came with my phone so now that’s my voicemail password, great. Anyways, I had two voicemail’s from my Mom--I miss my family. I miss everybody. Infact, I miss EVERYTHING.

I hang my clothes to dry on my balcony. Hmm.

The word of the day is “Caducity: *1, senility *2: the quality of being transitory or perishable.”

Today is pretty hard, I feel transitory and perishable. I’m trying to keep my chin up but I feel slightly defeated. I attempted to do laundry. I took one of the unused silver rods from the other room and taped it to either end of the fence around my balcony. I then put my jeans, sweatpants, and a couple of t-shirts hanging over it safely in eyesight. I know Posadas must be pretty safe because the restaurant across the alleyway next to me called Mesoncita, leaves its shipments of beer by the door, it has been sitting there for 3 days...untouched. I didn’t go to Cordoba today because we assumed everything would be closed on Sunday, but I’m aggravated because it turns out that most places are actually closed tomorrow. Very irritating. I also left my medical clearance and proof of good conduct at home. Pilar said it is still worth going to the police station in Cordoba to get my N.I.E even though I don’t have all the paperwork. It should be a pretty early morning and a pretty frustrating one as well. I guess the line at the police station is very similar to the Department of Motor Vehicles at home. I really want to talk to my friends and family, but I don’t have any money left on my calling card and I’m not willing to use the usb internet that cost 60 euros for 1 g. I figured I would wait til tomorrow and just go to the school to use it, or wait til Tuesday when I begin teaching.

I’m just disappointed because when I envisioned myself here in Posadas, I thought I would have unlimited wireless internet. I figured that would be my main source of communication and I would use skype as freely as I wanted. You can’t imagine how much I miss hot water, a working shower head, internet, central heating, and dryers. Hell, I even miss dishwashers. Doing the dishes in ice cold water in freezing weather is pretty miserable. I don’t even feel like traveling anymore, I wish I could meet up with Mandy--that would be more fun, but my only friend is a british guy who is perfectly content taking cold showers and eating blase food. I don’t get paid til the beginning of February. I’m trying to figure out what Troy and I will do when he is visiting. I think Posadas will be pretty disappointing to him because there is no club or anything. I imagine he will want to go out in Cordoba, which is pretty impossible because of the bus system. I just wish A was here and my mom. God, if the girls could be here with me I would be 10x happier. Instead, I’m alone, watching my clothes move ever so slightly in the wind.

PS: I’m now rationing my country linen oil diffuser since I only have 3/4 of the bottle left after less than a week. I am also rationing my Twilight books, afraid to be without them. I haven’t actually read any of it since my plane ride over, when I have other great books to read I’ll indulge myself.

Se Busca somewhere else.

The word of the day is “Sanction” : to make valid or binding usually by a formal procedure. 2: to give effective or authoritative approval or consent to.

Today, I got sanction from Paco, the owner of Bar San Francisco to substitute green olives for papas fritas, or french fries. Per usual, I ordered carne con tomate. Paco’s is pretty popular--the same old men go in everyday and usually sit in the same spot by the television. He is the only owner in town that has a menu in english and spanish, quite helpful. However, I still am disheartened because there is nowhere to eat and nothing really appetizing to eat. I’m still slightly put off by the prawns (gambas) that came out with eyes...staring at me.

Tonight there was quite a commotion because Paco was replacing the TV that sits perched by the window with a TV that looked pretty much the same. One of the regulars commented that he could not tell a difference, I just smiled in approval. Paco likes to call me guapa. Will does not have a nickname, I think that makes me the favorite. Also, a couple from Germany who had lived in Texas, and then moved to Spain came into Bar SanFrancisco. It was very exciting to talk to other people in english--the regulars (a few old men) just stared suspiciously.

After sleeping in for majority of the day, still totally exhausted from my haphazard trip--I woke up and got motivated by A to eat something; I am so happy that my mom decided to send oatmeal with me, it is much better than tostada con mantequilla (sourdough bread with butter). I watched Spanish television for a bit, the amazing race was on--I noticed that Rebecca from workout was on the show. Pretty random. I can’t really understand what the contestants are saying since it is dubbed over in Spanish--but it’s still pretty entertaining. They were in Iceland. Sometimes I wonder if they feel as isolated as I do, I know I feel as challenged as they are. Like this teaching extravaganza is the amazing race. I talked with A about coming home in early April (I’ve been feeling this whole thing is interminable, that I will not survive it) and I realized that Will is doing the London marathon on April 26th, it’s 15 weeks away. We are going to start training for it next week before he goes to Washington D.C for Obama’s inauguration. I borrowed his book, “Dreams From My Father” but have yet to get passed the first page. I just want to know if he actually wrote it. Anyways, it is laying next to me. I smell like cigarettes, not as much as last night, but it is still pretty damn annoying. What would be more annoying is attempting to shower right now. I have to turn on the flame to the butano, move the lever over to the middle, turn the water and push in the button at the same time, hold it until I have a feeling it’ll flare up, then if I do succeed, move the lever all the way over the right side and turn off the water. It’s quite the process.

Then, if I am going to shower...I move the small spaceheater into the bathroom and turn it towards the dresser, I open the top and bottom door and than stagger my clothes/towel on the handles so that the heater will warm them up for when I get out of the shower. The shower head is broken, so majority of the hot water oozes from the top and never makes it out to sprinkle on my head. I’m not quite sure how to say it exactly, but there is very little water pressure. I would like to use the other bathroom, because we think that shower head works better in that one, but the smell is pretty prominent. The landlord claims that the odor is from the stale water and that we need to run it more often. Easier said than done, it smells like a dead animal. So for now, taking a shower is more laborious than the stench of cigarettes on my clothes and hair. Dios mio.

On the positive side of things, When Austin comes we are going to go to Italy and Greece. I am so excited! It’ll be the most amazing experience to lay on the beach and take gondola rides through Venice. That will be in early March. I also might be going home for Valentine’s Day.

Ps: I took down Jesus and put him in the hallway by the bathroom. Not having a mirror in my room is definitely worth it. Se busca somewhere else.

I hate siesta.

Siesta is pissing me off. Jet lag finally caught up with me, after an entire week of not sleeping for more than 3 hours--it hit me all at once that I was utterly exhausted. Luckily, since my bags arrived yesterday (Thursday) I was able to unpack warm bedding and clothes. A’s mom had given me sleep aids (Melatonin and 5HTP) and after taking one and talking to A, I fell into a much needed sleep coma. I don’t officially start teaching til Tuesday, so this morning I wasn’t really needed around school. Pilar said I could come in around 11:30 to have lunch with the other teacher’s if I wanted, but I ended up sleeping in til 12:30. Will finished and came home around 1:45 with his daily baguette and a couple random groceries (chorizo, chicken breast, mandarin oranges) and we decided to make pasta.

I was really hungry because I had tried to cook some of the oatmeal my mom had sent with me, but I couldn’t figure out the microwave as the images on the keys don’t really make sense. Anyways, we cooked penne noodles and then added a pretty blase pasta sauce, a step up for Will because before he was just eating plain tomato paste. It’s pretty disgusting, but he doesn’t mind it so much. We went into the TV room and gave in to watching Spanish news, they have been covering the nieve (snow) in Granada for 2 days now. Then there was a special on porn, pretty graphic images--caught us both off guard for a lunch broadcast. It ended with a story about Spanish bikers that had to stop ever 100km because their hands were getting too cold--they looked like rugged American bikers, but foreign. Pretty surreal, google it for entertainment if you want. At that point I finished my fanta zero and gave into the hebetude (word of the day from the calendar A gave me) of the day and climbed back into bed to finish watching “Everafter” and nap, since that is all you can do from 2-5:30 PM.

Estoy aqui.

Well, I made it so to speak. Just when you think things cannot get worse--upon arrival in Madrid, my bags stayed in Atlanta, Georgia. So unbelievably frustrating. Imagine being in a foreign country with only the clothes on your back (including a small northface fleece, jeans, and a pair of converse in my bag) I wanted to just surrender to the travel gods and go home.

I’m not sure what exactly is keeping me in Spain at this moment, because the past 3 days have been completely traumatizing and filled with a ridiculous amount of bad luck. When I got to my flat with Will (My british room mate) we discovered my bedroom had a mirrored picture of Jesus that says “Se Busca”--is God trying to give me a sign? I told Will I need to go to church and pray. Atleast after everything we could find some humor in my situation. You live, you laugh, you learn. Today I wouldn’t let myself cave in and give up. I told myself I could get by without my bags for a couple of days (Although, since they are stuck somewhere unknown in the airport in Georgia, my nerves are grading on the possibility of a week + without my bags). It kills me, I packed so painstakingly well--distributing winter/summer clothes into each bag evenly, pajamas in both, etc. Fucking smited.

Pilar and her partner Juan Manuel met me at the train station in Cordoba at 4pm. They took me around the city in their car and we attempted to find a store open so I could purchase some necessities, but continuing in the spirit of inconvenience all the stores are closed for Holiday (Dia de los reyes--children open their presents this morning, it is the last day of Christmas).

Pilar then let me take a shower at her apartment, that is when it hit me I was in a completely different culture. Pilar does not use conditioner, and the shampoo is for your hair and body. I was able to blow dry my hair..but not particularly stylishly or well..I feel very unkempt and out of sorts. After having cake and coffee, we went to pick up Will from the train station at 7 pm. The drive to Posadas was 30 minutes..and we were both exhausted from our trips. Thinking in another language gets complicated when you can barely think in english. Juan Manuel really wants me to roll my R’s like there is no tomorrow.

The flat is pretty interesting, it is on the second floor of a small apartment building. It smells like cigarettes in the hallway, but not the stodgy american kind...a different smell of cigarette..can’t really explain it. The decoration is something you would find on the Golden Girls..but slightly more outdated. I had Zach Morris/Golden Girls curtain up in my room..I took them down with Will’s help 30 minutes later and moved the desk from the family room into my room with a different chair. Jesus is still staring at me from the wall, but tomorrow I think I will switch him out with the hallway mirror.

Will was nice enough to lend me his space heater tonight, and 3 hours later I finally adjusted it to a hospitable temperature (it was REALLY hot until now) when I go in the hallway my muscles shake from the cold. I was so painfully tired when I laid down, but the unfamiliarity is keeping me from a deep sleep, I keep intermittently waking up. I have replayed “Under the Tuscan Sun” atleast 4 times, the background noise comforts me I guess. It could also be attributed to my new twin-size bed...or that I have hunger pains but nothing to eat. Whenever you flush the toilet it sounds like a fog-horn is about to burst through the wall. There are two bathrooms next door to eachother, but the first one has an unidentifiable smell and Will decided to use the other one. My bath towels are in my suitcases. I don’t even have a fucking towel to shower with. It’s only 7:22pm in Arizona, but I can’t call any of my friends because my calling card is running low. It’d be nice if they would buy calling cards to call my cell phone, since Will and I are sharing internet via a USB you stick in your computer. I wasn’t up to look at the world wide web tonight, probably tomorrow.

Interestingly, Will brought a large stack of books here as well. I guess we both find comfort in the escapism of the books (it doesn’t matter where you are when you are reading, you lose yourself in the story/life of someone else). I suggested tomorrow we bring a couple of books and sit and read in the promenade of Cordoba (after buying a few things), The train to Cordoba is only 15 minutes, the station is across the street and the school is a 7 minutes walk away. I start on Thursday morning, but don’t officially begin teaching until Tuesday. I’m worried about money, especially with the unforeseen expenses of buying clothes and products. I planned on joining the gym tomorrow, but I realized I have nothing to exercise in so it’s pretty damn pointless. Damnit, damnit, damnit. Will is hoping..going..to run the London marathon in April. I think I will train with him for kicks, but I think I missed the official deadline to sign up. Maybe after I have my running shoes I’ll feel comfortable enough to ask.

I know I need to cry, but I won’t let myself. Instead, I’m laying awake in the darkness...trying to fathom that I’m in a foreign country alone. My mom reiterated that it’ll all work out and they’ll get my bags to me within the next couple of days. I just can’t help but question why I left my wonderful life, family, and friends to be alone in Spain. I feel so lonely I’m numb. Troy is coming from January 17-26th, coincidentally Will is leaving the 17th-24th to go to Obama’s inauguration---random right?

I'M FINISHED WITH THE CHECKING OF THE BAGS!!!!! (step off bitch)

SERENITY NOW!!!!!!!!!!!

"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement.  Nothing can be done without hope and confidence." -Helen Keller

I'm not sure why this is happening.  I consider myself a pretty flexible person; only rigid in specific ways.  However, this is beyond my realm of reason.  When I was originally stressed about being stranded in Atlanta, I was assuming I would be stranded in a basic hotel.  Instead, I was dropped off in the ghetto of what Wilson calls, "Hotlanta" and the scariest motel I have ever been too.  

Let me back up.  Things started going more positively after I finished my last entry.  When we started boarding, I totally panicked because I was zone 8 of 9 with a massive hiking backpack.  I was so worried they were going to check my bag, (which it is important to note when you get stranded and put in a hotel by the airport they do not return your checked luggage--you go with what you've got on your back) so my hearts starting to race anticipating the confrontation about to come with the flight attendant's about my stupid bag.  I envisioned a replica of the scene in the Meet The Parents. 

By some obscure chance, the man sitting in my seat wanted to be with his family so he exchanged my seat for a seat in first class.  Insert happy dance.  I started thinking it was going to work out and that the universe would align and get me to Madrid in one strong piece.  

So needless to say I didn't make the connection by a mere 10 minutes--I went to the international desk to get re-booked on the flight for tonight.  I stood in line for 3 1/2 hours with a 30lb backpack on, listening to the disgruntled moans and groans of fellow travelers.  Ridiculous customer service.  On another positive note, I ended up meeting 5 other passengers who live in Madrid.  This adorable older couple took me under their wing (they got bumped up to first class for tonight's flight..i'm not that persuasive apparently) After the re-booking shenanigans me, Jose, Santiago, and the older couple went to look for a restaurant open in the airport (at 12:30 pm) to use the food voucher we received; it didn't work out because everything was closed and after attempting to get a fruit cup at Starbucks, the shrew behind the desk bit my head off about $1.45.  Let me explain, I got a bottle of water, orange juice, and a tiny fruit cup assuming it would be under $7.  Of course there are no prices listed on the products.  So when she totaled it up it was $8.45 and the voucher was worth $7 so I told her I would put the OJ back since she didn't accept credit and I only had euro's.  She said she couldn't give me change..I began to think 'lights are on but nobody's home' because I was just asking her to get rid of the orange juice so I wouldn't owe her money.  Ultimately she told me to just leave and Jose inadvertently stole a deli sandwich in the midst of total confusion.  I comforted him by telling him it was a small token to make up for all his troubles with flying yesterday.

I then got to the hotel, and my heart stopped.  It was horrible, absolutely horrible.  After i got my room key i was on the 4th floor (all the rooms are outside) I couldn't get the door to open and my hands were shaking because I was so scared someone was going to mug me (I have my laptop, expensive jewelry, wallet, passport, etc in 2 easy bags) and please don't assume i'm being a typical brat--this place was straight out of a horror movie.  I finally bust in the door and none of the lights work and it looks like the scene of a crime.  I dropped my bags and went back downstairs to get help with the lights.  All the while, my phone is dying while I'm trying to get comforted by A.  The evil woman in the lobby (all the doors are locked, and is now speaking to me through a bullet proof window) tells me 'this must be your first time traveling by yourself. god help me.' I wanted to punch her.  She then was going to put me in a smoking room, I said fuck it i'll try and figure out the lights by myself.  On my way up, I bumped into the couple from Orlando who were calling it a "no tell motel, from hell." They noticed I was crying and came up and gave me a hug, soothing me by saying this was a really scary motel and that they would be right next door if I needed them.  There are some really great people that you meet.  I wanted to be like, "can i sleep on your floor?" 

I ended up spreading my sleeping bag across the bed and sleeping in my clothes.  The airport wouldn't give me back my luggage.  I put the teddybear A gave me, and left the light and tv on for comfort.  Worst night's sleep ever.  I've never cried harder than I did last night, just feeling so helpless and traumatized.  Also, incredibly homesick.  I woke up this morning with swollen, puffy eyes, that not even my eye cream could help.  I'll also admit I fought with the packet of toothpaste the airport issued me, after ripping as hard as i could in different angles, i ended up poking a hole in it using my little black comb.  Toothpaste at last.  ((all the while people kept knocking on my door asking me if I was checking out today.)) After everything I realized, Dan lives in Atlanta--only this afternoon after all the motel shenanigans.  He actually just called me to ask me if I needed a place to stay.  People amaze me with their kindness.  

I am at the airport, looking pretty damn tragic.  I attempted to put myself back together but by the time I get to Madrid tomorrow i'll have been in the same clothes for 3 days.  Sexy.  Anyways, i'm really apprehensive about getting my bags from the airport to the train station by myself.  Pilar, the bilingual coordinator, is going to pick me up in Cordoba (thank you god) and my soon to be british room mate Will is getting in at 2 p.m and is meeting us in Cordoba after.  I'm worried I can't do this.  Like, the universe is trying to squash me and make this as hard as possible--emotionally and physically.  All I can do is keep breathing.

Missing you, 

P.S: Love you A. For all that you are--I couldn't have done this without you.  

SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY?

Typical airport shenanigans.

After waking up super early this morning, showering, succeeding in total organization--I get to the airport to check-in and the lady informs me my flight is delayed by 1 hr 50 minutes.  Thus, i'll probably miss my connection to Madrid in Georgia (even though that flight is delayed an hour as well...10 minutes makes a huge difference this trip). 

I'm pissed.

I'm just trying to think positive thoughts and hope that the universe will be on my side and help me get there.  Leaving is hard enough, sans complications of flights.  

I don't want to be staying at a hotel in Georgia by myself tonight, not leaving til 6:40 pm the following day.  That would put me back an entire day for Spain.  You know that book, "The Secret" well it talks about laws of attraction..you get back what you put out..so i'm hoping that positive thoughts will open some doors..!

“I love to travel, but hate to arrive.” --Albert Einstein

“There are only two emotions in a plane: boredom and terror.”

“So many faces in and out of my life; some will last, some will be just now and then. Life is a series of hellos and good byes, I'm afraid it's time for goodbye again.”

“As the traveler who has once been from home is wiser than he who has never left his own doorstep, so a knowledge of one other culture should sharpen our ability to scrutinize more steadily, to appreciate more lovingly, our own.”

We find rest in those we love, and we provide a resting place in ourselves for those who love us.

Nothing is as up and down as us.

Today was rough...in the most bittersweet, simple way possible.

Mierda.

Ironically i'm writing this to the tune of "Who loves you pretty baby" by the Four Seasons. I LOVE them.

It's official, tomorrow I begin packing for my epic adventure part 2. Do you have any idea how hard it is to pack for 6 months in a foreign country? Pretty sure I don't have a dryer either. Farewell bounce with febreze dryer sheets.


Last time I packed I was half-alive and sleep deprived. This time I'm rested enough to be aware of how much it sucks. pain in my ass.

This time i'm taking a different approach..i'm packing more comfort items (my massive hot pink blanket...yankee candle country linen home fragrance oil...my favorite paper flowers from santa fe, and a couple happy knick knacks from my bedroom, duvet cover to go over my down comforter sleeping bag from A.) being around my things makes me feel happy, so my room needs to be bright and clean. Don't laugh, when I was in london all I wanted was a good smelling candle and Hanna and I spent an entire day looking for one (It made me mad b/c my mom told me I was retarded for wanting to pack it before I left. Smited.) I also brought a costco pack of Mini-Wheats. That was my breakfast and lunch on the go. I'm crazy. Don't worry..this time the mini wheats are staying..but all I want to know is if there is a gym in my town. I need a gym like macaroni needs cheese.

Please god let there be a gym.

A and I are going to eat leftovers from christmas (yummy yummy) and watch a movie. Tomorrow we're hiking camelback--my legs are still so sore from legs today (walking lunges with a 40lbs bar..kill...ouch.)

The Aiport is the greatest place on earth.

I'm listening to a man with a horrific east coast accent talk about "important" business on the phone standing in line to check in at the gate. So annoying. He kept cutting the other guy off saying.."gotta go. I gotta go. gotta go." when he was literally doing nothing but irritate everyone else. Now he's complaining into the phone that "he's not happy" by the time the plane comes, i'm going to know his whole life story. great.

This is one of the reasons I love/hate the airport. Mostly people stare vacantly. Little kids are the best because they go around touching everything dirty and eating really gross things (like day old hot dogs...cheeseless pizza)--it's like a walking germ magnet.

Anyways, I was one of the annoying people flying. We brought Max on our trip--$100 to check him underneath the plane. It took like 300 hours to check him in, I had to fill up his water bottle which kept dripping on his blankets inside the kennel. The vet gave him a vicodin but i'm not sure it had totally kicked in--either way i'm sure he's in for the ride of his small life. BTW--the Fees are getting ridiculous. $15 for each bag. Lame. They charge you to breathe. P.S--who wants to buy one of those nasty airplane sandwiches anyhow? Gross. I've secretly thought about putting a toy watergun in my pants on the way through the safety screening...just to see what happens. Tell the guy with a creepy smile.."gotta stay protected." Anyways, the only thing they'll ever get me to buy is a water bottle, "mm..i'm stuffed." --speaking of which, we're watching Just Friends..somehow it never gets old.

another not so deep thought at 5:42 am..

Alright, here's the real root of the stupid insomnia. So of course it was bound to happen--my dad sent me a christmas card. To the innocent bystander i'm sure it doesn't seem haphazard, but to me--I wanted to get rid of it immediately. Too late, I opened it an hour later. Just a signature and some blase hallmark catchphrase.

Thinking about my relationship with my dad sent me on a search of journals, starting dec 2006 when it all fell apart--all the way through sep 2007 when I was still barely holding it together. I was utterly lost. That entire year was a quiet, unending tailspin, all because my dad walked out of my life and left me scrambling to pick up the pieces. I constantly struggle with it. In fact, I can say definitively it is the hardest thing i've ever gone through. But it has made me stronger, it also made me grow up. I had never really suffered a monumental loss before my dad....my Aunt Lenna was the first person who had died close to me; but I tentatively say it is almost worse to have someone be dead to you..but still be happily living without you. Strange.

I hate to think that stress about my father could be causing me to stay up every night. It's more than likely the reason, Amy called it a month ago when he was visiting my brother. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth that someone could have such a profound affect on my life, yet not be actively in it. Maybe, someday years from now i'll thank my dad for forcing me to become independent and strong. Or maybe, someday years from now I won't feel his absence so much.

Either way, I guess it is too much to ask for him to disappear from my life for awhile, just long enough for me to catch my breath and recover from the damage he did--or that I enabled him to do?

Since i'm in the spirit of being painfully honest tonight; reading the entries from 2007 after everything with my dad...It's funny how the first response to grief/sadness is anger. I was really angry. It was so much easier to be angry than sad..I wish I could be angrier now instead. there is one entry that talks about my room as a pharmacy. I went in to talk to a therapist in early 07, I was finally rock bottom and just didn't know how to move on in my life, you know.. just get over it already.

My favorite angry quote of all time was from january 27th

So i'm going to have a miserable life while everybody else continues with their saturday night partying and drinking because nothing shitty has happened to them recently.

It makes me laugh now, I guess that's all I can do now is laugh about it. If you're ever pissed off at the world..those are some quality negative entries to find solace in. Anyways, so you can probably understand why they ended up putting me on anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety pills. I'm not sure what was worse--feeling the pain or being NUMB to the pain? I was pretty much a zombie version of myself. I stopped taking the anti-depressants after I came back from London, something in me just clicked. I know i'm not a depressed person, I never have been--I was just really hurting.

Going off the anti-depressants was the worst part, there are alot of side effects they don't tell you (like having no balance, bad headaches, and nausea) it lasted about 2 weeks.

I just hope, that anyone thinking about going on medication like that would really consider your options. Sometimes instead of numbing the pain, you just have to confront it. Our society is so quick to fix the illness instead of fixing the symptoms. It's like building a house with no foundation. I don't know, I hope that doesn't sound preachy--but it's been something i've wanted to say for awhile. On that note, i'm going to give sleep another go...knowing i'm waking up at 9am to do x-mas shopping makes me cringe. But i'm not going to let the insomnia ruin a productive day tomorrow.

Deep thoughts at 4:30am..not

 It occurred to me why i'm so secretly frustrated--i'm just ready to be active and moving towards something.  Productive.  Challenged?

I'm a bull in a China shop...and it stinks. 

I got an e-mail from Pilar, my bilingual coordinator in Cordoba, and she is so sweet--she sent me websites to organize my train/bus arrangements from Madrid to the city.  She may or may not be in town (it's Holiday) but someone will be there to meet me and take me to the other learning & language culture assistant's flat.  I'll feel strange staying in someone's home without them being there.  I guess i'll know what it's like to be a burglar..in a harmless way of course. 

I'm trying to figure out if it will suit me better to be in the actual city of Cordoba, or Posadas where my school is, just a few miles west of Cordoba.  Will (the other assistant) lives in Posadas, but Pilar lives in Cordoba.  To be honest, i'm not sure I could keep up with Spanish night life.  I wish I could predict where i'll be 2 months from now..  February 15th? I'm going to miss lots of things from home, my people in particular.  But i'll also miss my comfy bed..it's the best.  I'll miss Smoothie King.  My closet. I'll also miss television..mostly t.v  in english. Thinking about it too much unnerves me. 

Anyways, this insomnia is pretty much out of control.  I was tossing and turning listening to Bella snore and grunt in her sleep.  Confession--I sleep around her. I sleep in a ball anyway..so I'll consider myself a courteous sleeper, instead of an idiot.  

Wilson, you'll appreciate this--it's 4:18 am.  I'm typing in the dark, thinking about working out.  Why? Well, today was the first time in a really long time i've been intimidated at the gym.  Gold's Gym is really..macho?
Especially in Scottsdale, it's a ton of body builders and power lifters.  The few women who work out there are really really cut and muscular. I am usually the only girl in the huge weight area..sometimes i'm painfully self aware of the low female ratio. For instance, today was legs.  Here was my routine,  (i'm including random pictures..because I can.)

1. 10 minute maximum incline walk on the tread mill to warm up.

2. Deadlifts -- 5 sets of 10 repetitions . Today was super uncomfortable because I had nothing to set the bar on --I do mine from lower on the ground to get a better overall workout-- and I had to do it from the actual ground today.  Just...awkward..in general unless you have 45 lb plates on each side..I didn't. 

3.  Barbell squat--4 sets of 10.  Today, since I do the deadlifts in front of the squat 

rack already--.Men kept coming up and doing bench press behind me, so i felt like my butt was just right there.  So awkward!! A little space please?

4. Hack-Squat --4 sets of 10.  

5. Stiff legged dead lifts-

-I used a 60lb bar for 4 sets of 10, but once again--felt front and center; there was nowhere to go to have my own space so I had to do them by the bar rack, which is conveniently infront of everything. then to make things WORSE, I couldn't lift the 60lb bar to the top spot on the rack, so I had to rearrange the lighter ones from the bottom to the top just to be able to put it back.  FAIL.

5. Lever Seated calf raise--4 sets of 15

6. Squats on BOSU Balance ball--6 sets of 20

--this is where the work out go KIND of awkward.  I had to get my balance on the ball by holding the hack-squat or the mirror at first, then I would do sets of 20..i would find myself kind of bouncing on it when i was done, like a little trampoline..then i would remember i'm at the gym infront of a wall size mirror. painful. 

7. Seated leg press.
This is my favorite because I can do about 200lbs. But, I also like it because i'm in my own space. My own little area designated with these. lol, that sounds bizarree. However..this guy was kind of standing there..HOVERING. I told him I only had 1 more set and he was all dramatic "ahh..I was looking forward to resting" --well then why are you hovering?! 

8. Leg Curl.

Perhaps the easiest..but I just really liked this picture. 

9.  Wall Sits

I do about 3 sets, 30s, 60s, 120s. Today I did it at the end instead of inbetween sets..my legs were pretty dead.

In my defense about the self-aware thing..I think I was just having an awkward day.  Do you ever have those days where you feel like everyone is just staring at you? Like your afraid you have pen on your face or something strange?  I hate those days.  Today was definitely one of them. Normally when I'm at the gym I'm in my own bubble and no one can touch me, it's where I feel very relaxed.  No matter how stressed you are, you can increase the speed on the treadmill or stairclimber--work it out :) The other great thing about the gym is that you choose how hard it is.  You can have a great work out or a bad one, depending on your mentality. Plus, listening to my gym playlist makes me happy--it's everything from Britney Spears/Rihanna to Atreyu/Rob Zombie  .  I'm sure tomorrow will be better.  I think sometimes I just let myself get intimidated by the massive guys there.  I couldn't tell you really why.  I've always called the machines I use "big boy" machines.  Honestly, most of my girlfriends feel uncomfortable doing alot of the stuff I do.  I guess I understand--I had to make my guy friends show me how to do everything with the right form until i felt comfortable to do it on my own.  I think personal trainer's are really valuable; i've come back 100x better since I was sick.  I really appreciate what my body can do more than ever, I never want to feel that debilitated again.   Now i'm in gold's with body builders. priceless. 

P.S:  Wilson suggested he and i do this with Joe as the ref.  I'm pretty sure I have the "Act Casual" on lock. 

Para Mimenator: April 19-26 --The Cusps :)

Individuals born on the cusp of Aries (the first Sign of the Zodiac) and Taurus (the second Sign of the Zodiac) are ruled by both Mars and Venus. Intrinsic in this combination is the aesthetic romantic love typified by the Planet Venus and the passionate, action-orientation afforded by the Planet Mars. Such natives must feel deeply the focal point of their life and pursue it boldly. This cusp complements actors, actresses, fashion designers and dancers, who feel that the beauty and drama of life springs forth from the deepest urges of creation.

The Aries/Taurus cusp combination, also known as the Cusp of Power, corresponds symbolically to the period of human life at around the age of seven years. Here, the fire element of Aries and the earth element of Taurus can be both constructive and destructive. The constructive side of this blend displays a harnessing of energy to support and promote domestic existence. The Taurus aspect of this cusp has the expectation of creating something for posterity...the creation of children, the establishment of relationships and business are all equally important in the life of this particular mixture...and chivalry reigns supreme. The "down" side of this cusp demonstrates itself in burnout. The practical aspects of creating life here on Earth can stifle or even obliterate the inspiration inherent in this combination. Frustration occurs when the desire to propel the dream is thwarted by those of lesser motivation or real world restrictions. The typical "bull in a china shop" syndrome can manifest itself under difficult auspices and the desire to tear down structures that do not support the tender side of this personality become evident. Competition for a mate can take over the mentality of this cuspian until victory or failure is achieved. Children born of this combination need to be encouraged to pursue activities and studies that they love. The carry-over from Mars, the governing Planet of Aries, gives this cusp an impetuous touch that can become both powerful and dangerous through the self-willed and often stubborn nature of Taurus, which is controlled by the emotional and pleasure-loving Venus. When these cuspians act impulsively, then their plans suffer. However, they seldom "give up the ship." Having begun as go-getters, they become bullheaded and determined see it through. Often, they will take up enterprises just to prove that they can put them across...and they usually do. Because of this, these natives should exert their powers along honest and worthwhile lines. The self-esteem found in this cusp combination is exceeded only by the urge for self-gratification, which will invariably make its subjects unreasonable and overbearing unless self-control is developed.

The inherent nature of Aries/Taurus subjects is somewhat headstrong and often quite violent. These are generous individuals who are broad and extremely practical in their ways, but their natures are so dominant that they frequently find it rather difficult to work well under others. Liberally endowed with both originality and executive ability, the possibilities that lie within the paths of these cuspians truly is quite wonderful. They are strong, very confident and exceedingly determined souls who possess unlimited faith in their own knowlege. These are individuals who constantly and freely give advice to those around them...relatives or friends. There is also a strong magnetic personality here which makes these natives very persuasive, so much so that the advice given is often difficult to decline or resist. Yet, at the same time, they themselves are among the last to accept advice from others. Indeed, Aries/Taurus cuspians might well be considered strong-headed and persistent in their undertakings, often utterly heedless of any form of advisement regardless of how great the expense involved or how deep and true the knowledge of those who would offer well-intended suggestions and gentle criticisms. These cuspians possess excellent taste in all things and absolutely delight in the pleasures of food. They also find much enjoyment in displaying evidence of their thoughtfulness to friends by way of gifts and throwing dinner parties, etc. There is also immense fondness here for children.

Aries/Taurus natives strive for power in their daily lives, but the fiery and dynamic Aries character is tempered and grounded courtesy of the solid earthiness of Taurus. Thus, the undeniable trademark of these cuspians tends to be a preoccupation with power and their birthright is perceived as nothing less than the very best that life has to offer. Nevertheless, these individuals usually possess the ability of being able to pursue their goals without inciting antagonism in those around them since others others find it easier and more advantageous to agree with the powerfully persuasive Aries/Taurus cuspian rather than disagree. Whether it takes a long time or short time to achieve their ends matters little to these individuals provided they eventually arrive. Above all, they have a superb sense of timing and the talent to know when and when not to act. At an initial meeting, these cuspians frequently impress others as being quiet and self-assured...people who know how to watch and wait. Indeed, Aries/Taurus subjects refuse to waste time in proving anything to anyone. They would rather confidently hang back and preserve their energy for when it really counts. Thus, they make for formidable enemies and capable work colleagues. Indeed, their approach to work is highly professional and those involved in any relationship with these cuspians will need to understand that a career will always be at least as important. Others can benefit tremendously from an association with Aries/Taurus natives for they emit a powerful presence and sense of capability. These cuspians are well aware of the value of money...and also know how to attain it. However, the goal here is generally not so much in terms of financial security as a steady cashflow derived from work which will allow for worry-free spending. In the eyes of those born on the Aries/Taurus cusp, financial dependency on another is a liability...these are people who would much rather support themselves and harbor little desire to relinquish personal freedom. Learning to accept financial support (or any type of support for that matter) from family and friends may be difficult for these individuals but, like love, it will take them a step forward in personal development.

Aries/Taurus natives are extrememly generous characters...but on their own terms. They are inclined to give only when it suits them and are equally capable of taking back not only their gifts but also their affection. However, this is rarely done out of capriciousness or malice but because they feel their gifts have gone unappreciated or were undeserved. Often, the degree of giving here can, in and of itself, be intimidating and lead to the arousal of insecurity in less robust souls. Such a display of lavish behavior may create dependencies within both the giver and the receiver...dependencies which may, at a later date, be difficult if not impossible to break. In addition, individuals born of this blend possess a strongly marked sexual nature which can frequently lead to hasty and unhappy marriages. It is vital for Aries/Taurus subjects to be aware that the greatest power of all may be the power of love...whether sexual, affectionate, romantic, platonic or religious. Love appears to have an undeniable softening effect upon these cuspians. Although they may take and discard partners when it pleases them, they really do fare best upon a steady stream of love from one special person...particularly when such love is accompanied by unconditional giving on their part. Indeed, this may well be the closest an Aries/Taurus cuspian will ever come to true selflessness. At its best, this cusp combination is generally an excellent blend of natures, provided the cuspian in question chooses undertakings that are not only worth the effort involved, but also worthy of it. Here, there is a chance to turn initial drive into sustained power, particularly because those born on this cusp are suited to all the occupations related to Taurus, but should have greater prospects in those fields than the average person of that Sign. At its worse, this cusp combination posseses an unfortunate tendency for the cuspian to sink into the depths of depravity in terms of sensuality, dissipation and vice.

Many Aries/Taurus natives often secretly yearn to relinquish the daily battles of the world and simply submit totally to fantasy, pleasure, sheer laziness or perhaps another individual. Although this is virtually impossible for such cuspians to accomplish for very long, it is often a comforting thought in their hard-driving approach to daily life...a notion which may get them through many a difficult day. Indeed, those governed by this cusp combination tend to do best when they can "empty themselves out" from time-to-time (through sleep, massage, meditation or a vacation, for example) and allow themselves the opportunity to "recharge." In their leisure time, Aries/Taurus individuals are apt to play as hard as they work. Any activity of an athletic nature will be greatly enjoyed since sports provide a positive and healthy outlet for some of the natural aggression associated with this cusp combination. Both individual challenge (aerobics, for example) as well as the group challenge of such sports as football and soccer will be greatly appreciated. Aries/Taurus subjects also enjoy outdoor activities which allow them to get close to the earth (hiking, for instance). Indeed, these individuals could easily become expert rock climbers or kayakers or skiers...inherent intense activity and drive channeled through a great love and respect for the natural beauty of the outdoors is often apparent in this cusp combination. Conversely, the appreciation of art and culture here will also send these cuspians off to the opera and exclusive galleries.

With regard to relationships, Aries/Taurus cuspians are always able to make their presence felt in their interactions with others regardless of the circumstances. These are big people, capable of prodigious mistakes as well as sparkling success and they usually leave little doubt about where they stand. These are individuals who tend to choose rather than be chosen and once the sights have been fixed upon a partner, the matter is usually settled. However, this is not to imply that the judgment of Aries/Taurus natives is perfect. They will quickly take the credit for a wise choice, but the inherent inability to admit a major mistake tends to make these subjects very long-suffering. They are prone to "hang in there" not only because they are, by and large, faithful souls but also because to quit would be an admission of failure...and failure is something these cuspians do not handle easily.

Perhaps the greatest strengths of Aries/Taurus natives is to be found in their energy, initiative and courage. Their ability to take a project and "run with it" is virtually unparalleled by any other cusp combination of the Zodiac. Their more earthy side encourages stability and perseverance while methodical determination enables them to be productive when others have long since "given up the ghost." Indeed, this particular combination of fire and earth makes the Aries/Taurus cuspian one of the most dynamic, stable and passionate characters of the entire Zodiac.

The most important lesson to be learned by the Aries/Taurus native is that personal strength does not lie in the creation of ideas, but in their development...which is all the more reason for choosing well and wisely in the first place. Thus, it is important that these cuspians learn how to "back off" and allow things to happen as they will. It may also be necessary for them to become more sensitive to the feelings of others. As with all cusp individuals, these cuspians tend to be attracted to others born on the cusp...particularly those who fall within the Taurus/Gemini and Scorpio/Sagittarius combinations.

• -- Possess the fiery forwardness and willfulness inherent in Aries --
  
• -- Possess the practicality, endurance and nurturing inherent in Taurus --
  
• -- Has a markedly dominant personality --
  
• -- Becomes very uncomfortable if forced to submit to the control of another --
  
• -- Highly strategic in thought and action --
  
• -- In no hurry to see results --
  
• -- Expert in thorough and painstaking preparation --
  
• -- Reluctant to allow things to happen as they will --
  
• -- Somewhat insensitive to the feelings of others --
  

Notable Aries/Taurus Cuspians Include:
Adolf Hitler; Catherine the Great; Vladimir Lenin; William Shakespeare; Catherine de Medici; and Barbara Streisand

Tell me what you know..

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.

Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart...

When we cannot bear to be alone, it means we do not properly value the only companion we will have from birth to death - ourselves. ~Eda LeShan

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.
Elayne Boosler

Writing is the only thing that, when I do it, I don't feel I should be doing something else.

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death

The colossal misunderstanding of our time is the assumption that insight will work with people who are unmotivated to change. Communication does not depend on syntax, or eloquence, or rhetoric, or articulation but on the emotional context in which the message is being heard. People can only hear you when they are moving toward you, and they are not likely to when your words are pursuing them. Even the choices words lose their power when they are used to overpower. Attitudes are the real figures of speech.

To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly

A person needs at intervals to separate from family and companions and go to new places. One must go without familiars in order to be open to influences, to change.

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.

You may wonder, 'How can I leave it all behind if I am just coming back to it? How can I make a new beginning if I simply return to the old?' The answer lies in the return. You will not come back to the 'same old thing.' What you return to has changed because you have changed. Your perceptions will be altered. You will not incorporate into the same body, status, or world you left behind. The river has been flowing while you were gone. Now it does not look like the same river.

A rare glimpse of the endangered DIVA

So last night my brother was in a very interesting mood.  After ranting about the gay actors in hollywood again, he proceeded to inform me that Southpark had said Scottsdale was the most unlivable city.  I wanted to interview him about his thoughts, because he seriously is the most random, entertaining person I've ever met.  The quote of the night was said to my mother.."Don't leave any money to family.  Instead, spend the money on preserving your brain by freezing yourself." I went to interview him in the den, where he was watching CNBC on the couch.  What followed next was completely unexpected...and very diva.  

A few things.

Firstly, Bella looks ri-dic-u-lous.  Part of me is entertained as hell, part of me is embarrassed. Bella is sporting a baby pink glitter sweater. 

So funny! 

She was snoring soundly on my bed, so I snapped a picture--

Before you start making rash assumptions that I did this--my mom bought her the abomination of a sweater last winter in Flagstaff.  Festively, my mom is calling her "Pink Princess Bella" tonight.  Erin couldn't stop laughing when we were watching the movie and Bella's melodic snoring/farting proceeded the duration of the film.  Painful :) 

SECONDLY, 

Mimi you are going to die.  I was organizing my DVD's and came across a little box full of notes from highschool.  I now realize how I survived all 4 years--intensely secretive and creative notes.  Our medium of choice? My Bible.  We wrote notes about boys in my bible.  pahahahaha

((The above picture has lyrics of "I'm a Slave 4 U" by Britney Spears.  Re-written by Mimi on the Contents page ))

((this note is regarding my friend trying to have a guy over while her parents went to a banquet dinner.  I also thanked her for letting me borrow her bible in period 1.  I think I drew a picture of a penis in hers. lol))

If it wasn't through entertainment of PAULA (in the impala) in highschool (errr..remember when we saved bad chicken for a week and pretended to be sick in the girls bathroom during 7th hour? Priceless awkward bathroom moment will be remembered for-ev-er))--it was moments like SUPERMODEL DOCUMENTARY HOUR!!! That are probably responsible for my easily entertained mind of awkward moments/thoughts.