Para Mimenator: April 19-26 --The Cusps :)

Individuals born on the cusp of Aries (the first Sign of the Zodiac) and Taurus (the second Sign of the Zodiac) are ruled by both Mars and Venus. Intrinsic in this combination is the aesthetic romantic love typified by the Planet Venus and the passionate, action-orientation afforded by the Planet Mars. Such natives must feel deeply the focal point of their life and pursue it boldly. This cusp complements actors, actresses, fashion designers and dancers, who feel that the beauty and drama of life springs forth from the deepest urges of creation.

The Aries/Taurus cusp combination, also known as the Cusp of Power, corresponds symbolically to the period of human life at around the age of seven years. Here, the fire element of Aries and the earth element of Taurus can be both constructive and destructive. The constructive side of this blend displays a harnessing of energy to support and promote domestic existence. The Taurus aspect of this cusp has the expectation of creating something for posterity...the creation of children, the establishment of relationships and business are all equally important in the life of this particular mixture...and chivalry reigns supreme. The "down" side of this cusp demonstrates itself in burnout. The practical aspects of creating life here on Earth can stifle or even obliterate the inspiration inherent in this combination. Frustration occurs when the desire to propel the dream is thwarted by those of lesser motivation or real world restrictions. The typical "bull in a china shop" syndrome can manifest itself under difficult auspices and the desire to tear down structures that do not support the tender side of this personality become evident. Competition for a mate can take over the mentality of this cuspian until victory or failure is achieved. Children born of this combination need to be encouraged to pursue activities and studies that they love. The carry-over from Mars, the governing Planet of Aries, gives this cusp an impetuous touch that can become both powerful and dangerous through the self-willed and often stubborn nature of Taurus, which is controlled by the emotional and pleasure-loving Venus. When these cuspians act impulsively, then their plans suffer. However, they seldom "give up the ship." Having begun as go-getters, they become bullheaded and determined see it through. Often, they will take up enterprises just to prove that they can put them across...and they usually do. Because of this, these natives should exert their powers along honest and worthwhile lines. The self-esteem found in this cusp combination is exceeded only by the urge for self-gratification, which will invariably make its subjects unreasonable and overbearing unless self-control is developed.

The inherent nature of Aries/Taurus subjects is somewhat headstrong and often quite violent. These are generous individuals who are broad and extremely practical in their ways, but their natures are so dominant that they frequently find it rather difficult to work well under others. Liberally endowed with both originality and executive ability, the possibilities that lie within the paths of these cuspians truly is quite wonderful. They are strong, very confident and exceedingly determined souls who possess unlimited faith in their own knowlege. These are individuals who constantly and freely give advice to those around them...relatives or friends. There is also a strong magnetic personality here which makes these natives very persuasive, so much so that the advice given is often difficult to decline or resist. Yet, at the same time, they themselves are among the last to accept advice from others. Indeed, Aries/Taurus cuspians might well be considered strong-headed and persistent in their undertakings, often utterly heedless of any form of advisement regardless of how great the expense involved or how deep and true the knowledge of those who would offer well-intended suggestions and gentle criticisms. These cuspians possess excellent taste in all things and absolutely delight in the pleasures of food. They also find much enjoyment in displaying evidence of their thoughtfulness to friends by way of gifts and throwing dinner parties, etc. There is also immense fondness here for children.

Aries/Taurus natives strive for power in their daily lives, but the fiery and dynamic Aries character is tempered and grounded courtesy of the solid earthiness of Taurus. Thus, the undeniable trademark of these cuspians tends to be a preoccupation with power and their birthright is perceived as nothing less than the very best that life has to offer. Nevertheless, these individuals usually possess the ability of being able to pursue their goals without inciting antagonism in those around them since others others find it easier and more advantageous to agree with the powerfully persuasive Aries/Taurus cuspian rather than disagree. Whether it takes a long time or short time to achieve their ends matters little to these individuals provided they eventually arrive. Above all, they have a superb sense of timing and the talent to know when and when not to act. At an initial meeting, these cuspians frequently impress others as being quiet and self-assured...people who know how to watch and wait. Indeed, Aries/Taurus subjects refuse to waste time in proving anything to anyone. They would rather confidently hang back and preserve their energy for when it really counts. Thus, they make for formidable enemies and capable work colleagues. Indeed, their approach to work is highly professional and those involved in any relationship with these cuspians will need to understand that a career will always be at least as important. Others can benefit tremendously from an association with Aries/Taurus natives for they emit a powerful presence and sense of capability. These cuspians are well aware of the value of money...and also know how to attain it. However, the goal here is generally not so much in terms of financial security as a steady cashflow derived from work which will allow for worry-free spending. In the eyes of those born on the Aries/Taurus cusp, financial dependency on another is a liability...these are people who would much rather support themselves and harbor little desire to relinquish personal freedom. Learning to accept financial support (or any type of support for that matter) from family and friends may be difficult for these individuals but, like love, it will take them a step forward in personal development.

Aries/Taurus natives are extrememly generous characters...but on their own terms. They are inclined to give only when it suits them and are equally capable of taking back not only their gifts but also their affection. However, this is rarely done out of capriciousness or malice but because they feel their gifts have gone unappreciated or were undeserved. Often, the degree of giving here can, in and of itself, be intimidating and lead to the arousal of insecurity in less robust souls. Such a display of lavish behavior may create dependencies within both the giver and the receiver...dependencies which may, at a later date, be difficult if not impossible to break. In addition, individuals born of this blend possess a strongly marked sexual nature which can frequently lead to hasty and unhappy marriages. It is vital for Aries/Taurus subjects to be aware that the greatest power of all may be the power of love...whether sexual, affectionate, romantic, platonic or religious. Love appears to have an undeniable softening effect upon these cuspians. Although they may take and discard partners when it pleases them, they really do fare best upon a steady stream of love from one special person...particularly when such love is accompanied by unconditional giving on their part. Indeed, this may well be the closest an Aries/Taurus cuspian will ever come to true selflessness. At its best, this cusp combination is generally an excellent blend of natures, provided the cuspian in question chooses undertakings that are not only worth the effort involved, but also worthy of it. Here, there is a chance to turn initial drive into sustained power, particularly because those born on this cusp are suited to all the occupations related to Taurus, but should have greater prospects in those fields than the average person of that Sign. At its worse, this cusp combination posseses an unfortunate tendency for the cuspian to sink into the depths of depravity in terms of sensuality, dissipation and vice.

Many Aries/Taurus natives often secretly yearn to relinquish the daily battles of the world and simply submit totally to fantasy, pleasure, sheer laziness or perhaps another individual. Although this is virtually impossible for such cuspians to accomplish for very long, it is often a comforting thought in their hard-driving approach to daily life...a notion which may get them through many a difficult day. Indeed, those governed by this cusp combination tend to do best when they can "empty themselves out" from time-to-time (through sleep, massage, meditation or a vacation, for example) and allow themselves the opportunity to "recharge." In their leisure time, Aries/Taurus individuals are apt to play as hard as they work. Any activity of an athletic nature will be greatly enjoyed since sports provide a positive and healthy outlet for some of the natural aggression associated with this cusp combination. Both individual challenge (aerobics, for example) as well as the group challenge of such sports as football and soccer will be greatly appreciated. Aries/Taurus subjects also enjoy outdoor activities which allow them to get close to the earth (hiking, for instance). Indeed, these individuals could easily become expert rock climbers or kayakers or skiers...inherent intense activity and drive channeled through a great love and respect for the natural beauty of the outdoors is often apparent in this cusp combination. Conversely, the appreciation of art and culture here will also send these cuspians off to the opera and exclusive galleries.

With regard to relationships, Aries/Taurus cuspians are always able to make their presence felt in their interactions with others regardless of the circumstances. These are big people, capable of prodigious mistakes as well as sparkling success and they usually leave little doubt about where they stand. These are individuals who tend to choose rather than be chosen and once the sights have been fixed upon a partner, the matter is usually settled. However, this is not to imply that the judgment of Aries/Taurus natives is perfect. They will quickly take the credit for a wise choice, but the inherent inability to admit a major mistake tends to make these subjects very long-suffering. They are prone to "hang in there" not only because they are, by and large, faithful souls but also because to quit would be an admission of failure...and failure is something these cuspians do not handle easily.

Perhaps the greatest strengths of Aries/Taurus natives is to be found in their energy, initiative and courage. Their ability to take a project and "run with it" is virtually unparalleled by any other cusp combination of the Zodiac. Their more earthy side encourages stability and perseverance while methodical determination enables them to be productive when others have long since "given up the ghost." Indeed, this particular combination of fire and earth makes the Aries/Taurus cuspian one of the most dynamic, stable and passionate characters of the entire Zodiac.

The most important lesson to be learned by the Aries/Taurus native is that personal strength does not lie in the creation of ideas, but in their development...which is all the more reason for choosing well and wisely in the first place. Thus, it is important that these cuspians learn how to "back off" and allow things to happen as they will. It may also be necessary for them to become more sensitive to the feelings of others. As with all cusp individuals, these cuspians tend to be attracted to others born on the cusp...particularly those who fall within the Taurus/Gemini and Scorpio/Sagittarius combinations.

• -- Possess the fiery forwardness and willfulness inherent in Aries --
  
• -- Possess the practicality, endurance and nurturing inherent in Taurus --
  
• -- Has a markedly dominant personality --
  
• -- Becomes very uncomfortable if forced to submit to the control of another --
  
• -- Highly strategic in thought and action --
  
• -- In no hurry to see results --
  
• -- Expert in thorough and painstaking preparation --
  
• -- Reluctant to allow things to happen as they will --
  
• -- Somewhat insensitive to the feelings of others --
  

Notable Aries/Taurus Cuspians Include:
Adolf Hitler; Catherine the Great; Vladimir Lenin; William Shakespeare; Catherine de Medici; and Barbara Streisand

Tell me what you know..

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.

Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart...

When we cannot bear to be alone, it means we do not properly value the only companion we will have from birth to death - ourselves. ~Eda LeShan

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.
Elayne Boosler

Writing is the only thing that, when I do it, I don't feel I should be doing something else.

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death

The colossal misunderstanding of our time is the assumption that insight will work with people who are unmotivated to change. Communication does not depend on syntax, or eloquence, or rhetoric, or articulation but on the emotional context in which the message is being heard. People can only hear you when they are moving toward you, and they are not likely to when your words are pursuing them. Even the choices words lose their power when they are used to overpower. Attitudes are the real figures of speech.

To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly

A person needs at intervals to separate from family and companions and go to new places. One must go without familiars in order to be open to influences, to change.

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.

You may wonder, 'How can I leave it all behind if I am just coming back to it? How can I make a new beginning if I simply return to the old?' The answer lies in the return. You will not come back to the 'same old thing.' What you return to has changed because you have changed. Your perceptions will be altered. You will not incorporate into the same body, status, or world you left behind. The river has been flowing while you were gone. Now it does not look like the same river.

A rare glimpse of the endangered DIVA

So last night my brother was in a very interesting mood.  After ranting about the gay actors in hollywood again, he proceeded to inform me that Southpark had said Scottsdale was the most unlivable city.  I wanted to interview him about his thoughts, because he seriously is the most random, entertaining person I've ever met.  The quote of the night was said to my mother.."Don't leave any money to family.  Instead, spend the money on preserving your brain by freezing yourself." I went to interview him in the den, where he was watching CNBC on the couch.  What followed next was completely unexpected...and very diva.  

A few things.

Firstly, Bella looks ri-dic-u-lous.  Part of me is entertained as hell, part of me is embarrassed. Bella is sporting a baby pink glitter sweater. 

So funny! 

She was snoring soundly on my bed, so I snapped a picture--

Before you start making rash assumptions that I did this--my mom bought her the abomination of a sweater last winter in Flagstaff.  Festively, my mom is calling her "Pink Princess Bella" tonight.  Erin couldn't stop laughing when we were watching the movie and Bella's melodic snoring/farting proceeded the duration of the film.  Painful :) 

SECONDLY, 

Mimi you are going to die.  I was organizing my DVD's and came across a little box full of notes from highschool.  I now realize how I survived all 4 years--intensely secretive and creative notes.  Our medium of choice? My Bible.  We wrote notes about boys in my bible.  pahahahaha

((The above picture has lyrics of "I'm a Slave 4 U" by Britney Spears.  Re-written by Mimi on the Contents page ))

((this note is regarding my friend trying to have a guy over while her parents went to a banquet dinner.  I also thanked her for letting me borrow her bible in period 1.  I think I drew a picture of a penis in hers. lol))

If it wasn't through entertainment of PAULA (in the impala) in highschool (errr..remember when we saved bad chicken for a week and pretended to be sick in the girls bathroom during 7th hour? Priceless awkward bathroom moment will be remembered for-ev-er))--it was moments like SUPERMODEL DOCUMENTARY HOUR!!! That are probably responsible for my easily entertained mind of awkward moments/thoughts.

"Nice Guys Finish Last" cont..

((The first portion was written on December 6th...here's the next part i've come up with.))

Shit. I was supposed to call Carla an hour ago.  I looked at the night stand clock, 12:30 PM.  I have no idea where time goes.  I threw the comforter off the bed, digging through the sheets to find my cell phone.  

"Yo," was her answer.  

"Yo? Been indulging in some BET?" I retorted, pulling my dirty jeans on from the floor. 

"That's my business.  Starbucks?" She replied mysteriously.

"Sounds good, i'm rolling out of bed as we speak--are you put together?"

"Mmm.." I could tell she was checking herself out in the mirror, "Decent.  I'll see you in a bit." 

         I decided it wasn't right to wear two dirty clothes items, so I rustled through my closet to find a clean t-shirt and baseball cap to cover up my bedhead.  I had this obsession with baseball caps, so much so that Jason bought me a CAL hat that had my name embroidered on the back.  His nickname for me was Dee.  Unoriginal, but it was the first nickname I'd had since my brother called me ding dong back in pre-school.   Anyways, it is my favorite hat.  I grabbed the keys off the dresser, slid into flip flops, and shoved my wallet and phone into a purse that was much too big to serve any practical purpose.  

    Driving to Starbucks mid-afternoon is my favorite thing.  I love people watching at the esplanade--you get a great mix of bored socialite housewives and everyone else who tries too hard.  Being in the presence of such material perfection makes me aware of my own flaws. I've never been the type of girl who is put together well; something is always amiss.  I look at other women and sigh to myself and think--how do you do it?  Does it take as much as time as I imagine it does? Or is there some pampering secret they are holding out from the rest of us?

    God bless my mother for trying so hard.  She would practically have to pry my food-smeared uniform skirts from my hands in high school to be washed regularly.  To me,  it just never really mattered.  I have been an athlete my entire life, thus beauty always came second to extra sleep.   That saying about "dressing for the day" just makes me laugh--it just makes you that more peeved when something gets spilled on your expensive blouse or suede boots.  Which always happens the moment you decide it's worth the risk on a random afternoon outing.  

    Carla was never hard to find, she always wore colors you wouldn't think existed outside some shroom' inspired rainbow.  She pulled it off either way.  Today was particularly festive, peacock blue with some kind of emerald green beading. 

 "My love!" I crooned, enveloping her in a hug.  

     My favorite part of Carla was how much personality she packed into her petite 5'1" frame. Her happiness bubbled over and onto anyone in her vicinity, contagious.  "You look just lovely," she taunted.  

"Oh please, like I care.  I overslept this morning," I replied nonchalantly, opening the door into the familiar shop.  

I love the smell of coffee, and the sound of newspapers crumpling.  But the very best thing about Starbucks is that no matter what state or country you are in--they all feel like your local spot.  She looked at me skeptically, pulling a ball of lint off my pocket, 

 "Oh fine, Jason's out of town. Give me a break." 

She laughed easily, and loudly.  That always bothered me but I never mentioned it--it was blasphemous to imagine Carla with anything but a loud laugh. 

 "So, since the ball and chain is on vaca--what are you doing this weekend? Specifically, tonight?" 

  "Mm..you caught me.  I was going to.." I paused thinking of what my real options were.  Walk Puddles, watch lifetime, or maybe if I was feeling really spontaneous I would read the new romance novel I had secretly purchased. "Actually, what did you have mind?" 

  Carla worked for Bebe and somehow knew everyone,  which led to great perks at club openings, etc. Her life was pretty glamorous, sometimes I was envious and then other times I was perfectly content with my quiet, predictable existence.  The one thing about Carla that both stumped and inspired me was her disinterest in serious relationships.  She had ended things bitterly with her ex Kyle a couple years ago after dating throughout college.  Nobody really understood it at the time, they seemed happy, but she explained it as an early-life crisis and decided any type of commitment was too much to ask for now.  Her blackberry danced on the table, sending ripples through my black coffee, "Working on Saturday?" I inquired.

An annoyed sigh escaped her lips, "It's Keith."

"Oooh...Keith? Really? I thought you ended that." I trailed off, watching a woman outside force her miniature poodle into a hellacious louis vuitton bag, screeching and yapping.  I scrunched up my nose, almost feeling sorry for the pink clad creature. I turned back to observe Carla. 

"Well I did, er..I was going to.  He is fun.  We do have fun. But I just feel like he is so frou-frou.  And really, a music producer? Sketch." Her eyebrows raised slightly reading over the text, "Speaking of fun, I was going to see if you wanted to go the Pussycat Lounge, but Keith's label is actually having a promotion at Dirty Pretty.  Fun, right?" She purred. 

I could just see it now.  Carla and I dressed to the 9's, weaving our way through a bunch of over-tanned, platinum barbie look alikes, while men flaunting cheesy pick-up lines crowded around the perimeter of the dance floor, looking ravenous and ready to pounce.  I bit my lower lip, on the other hand it would be nice to get out and let loose.  

"Evan's going to be there. I think I forgot to mention that." Her eyes sparkled in mischief.

I almost choked on my coffee, "Evan? My Evan?" 

"Yes, Evan whom you should make beautiful babies with." She joked, tossing her hair and eyeing me curiously.  I rolled my eyes, "Beautiful babies are the last thing on my list, but thanks.  I don't know, that could be interesting.  Maybe too interesting," I paused, folding the splenda wrapper into squares, " I mean..ugh, he may not even want to see me." The truth hung in the air, and I immediately wanted to snatch the words back and shove them into my mouth.  

"Not want to see you? You really are out of your damn mind.  What do you expect? The guy is only going to give you so many opportunities before rolling over to the next girl."

Her words stung, I don't know if I could really tell you why.  Evan was the one guy I just couldn't shake.  There are relationships where you have the upper-hand, and relationships where you are just tongue tied the minute they walk into the room.  We had a checkered past, nothing serious, but he popped into my mind from time to time.  The guy I wanted but couldn't have.  

"Do we have to talk about it? It was awhile ago, anyway.  I'm sure in his mind it was nothing.  What time would we need to be there?" I surrendered, seeing Evan peaked my interest.  I wondered what he would say when he saw me? Does he think about me too? My pocket vibrated, bringing me back to reality--Jason was calling. 

nosferatu. aka...bella

So Bella is an obese man trapped in a small Chihuahua's body. 

Normally, her trucker etiquette doesn't bother me--it actually comforts me. But tonight her inability to find a comfortable spot in my nook and continual wheezing made it impossible to sleep. I think Bella is actually sick--plausible cold or terrible allergies? After the third time she woke me up with this awkward snort/wheeze I surrendered and decided to take her downstairs to get some water or fresh air. 

I'm not sure how to take care of her. Once I put her by the water bowl

she moved by it and began searching the floor for remnants of food. Food is her number one priority. Now we are sitting on the sofa, waiting out her strange behavior at 2:55 AM.

When I first got her, she totally manipulated me. Never having had responsibility for a dog of my own, I assumed when she woke me up at odd hours she MUST have to pee. WRONG, there I would be in my underwear with Bella outside my apartment at 4am in December. Just looking for scraps of pizza--her own mission impossible. I also thought perhaps Bella wasn't potty trained. That wasn't true either, in fact--my dog is spiteful. When she's mad at me--she leaves poop outside my bedroom door. My brothers have learned recently that their doors being shut is not acceptable..2 pieces of poop outside both doors.

It's come to the point that if you asked me who I would want to be stranded on a desert island with, my answer just might be Bella. I'd never go hungry. Me and my little survivor.


I wish she could tell me what's wrong. Considering Bella is more like a small demon than a dog, i'm surprised she's not speaking in old world languages, casting spells...levitating.

 I'm googling dog allergies and coming up with nothing. For years, if someone asked me what my super power of choice would be--hands down it would be having the ability to read minds. That would move mountains in my own life. I would love to know what the people around are thinking. Could you imagine if you could know what the man sitting in front of you is thinking? Knowing what people want from you? Maybe the english major in me is always reading in between the lines instead of just listening.

Well googling has led me to a dark place..I just stumbled upon a heading that said "Why your pet should go organic." I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that someone wrote it or the fact that I read it. Yikes.

 She kind of smells too. I guess I won't judge her, sometimes sick people smell. I still love her. I think i'm going to look for Benadryl and see if that helps her if i put it in yogurt. Then maybe, if we're lucky--I'll be able to climb back into bed and sleep peacefully.

Don't make fun of me, but I love the astrology stuff.

I feel like this is frighteningly dead on about me.  Is it really not my fault--and just when I was born? haha

She has to lead, to be the first one to do anything. At times, her independence does not go well with the male ego. However, an Aries girl never wants a puppy for a lover or a husband. She seeks a man, but not the one who constantly chases her. The best way to woo her is to throw subtle hints, be a little detached and keep her wondering. Give her the impression that you can resist her charms and she will come rushing to you, to prove that she's desirable. Aries women will never have to yearn for male attention.

They always get plenty of it, but inside they will be waiting for the one they cannot have. An Aries woman can survive even the toughest of circumstances alone and has the ability to come back even after the most gruesome tragedies. She can play the role of a female perfectly and, at the same time, can do everything that a man can do. If you have managed to subdue her aggressive drive, you will be treated to a woman who is full of optimism and has such faith in future that can uplift your mood also.

An Aries female does not like flattery. You should be sincere while complimenting her. Over-sweetness and too much closeness can make her run away, but she doesn't want you to be too detached also. You'll have to maintain that delicate balance and still keep the romance alive. Once she has committed to you, she will be extremely sentimental and very loyal. Don't dominate an Aries female and don't let her dominate you. Either of the extremes, she will not be able to tolerate. Give her reasons to be proud of you, but do not forget to praise her for her talent too. Her expectations are too high, but she will also give you double in retur

You will get plenty of reasons to be jealous when you are with an Aries female, since she is more comfortable with men than women. However, don't be suspicious of her, she would be really hurt. She is possessive, but she doesn't like to be possessed. She wants her freedom and your complete trust. Remember, if she's committed to you, you have no reasons to doubt her loyalty and sincerity. An Aries woman is much too truthful to be involved with two people at the same time. She will first break up the relationship that is not working.

She is extremely passionate and believes in forever-lasting relationships. Though, this leaves her disillusioned many a times. She will never play games with you and is incapable of deceit. An Aries girl is nothing if not simple, innocent and very emotional. Maximum chances are that she will continue her career even after marriage. She loves challenges and believes in miracles. Though it sounds a little freaky, but miracles do happen in her case. Just like a typical Aries, she never learns from her mistakes and is likely to fall in the same hole again.

For her love means sharing and that means sharing everything, right from her emotions and checkbook to your bank account. Always respect an Aries woman and never try to dampen her zeal, or she will be hurt. Though she tries to show that she is very strong, she is as innocent and as vulnerable as a baby. Be there to comfort her when she runs up to you after being disappointed with the world. If you stand up to her when she comes to you like this, you will never ever lose her. An Aries female will never forgive you if you fail to fight for her.

In return, she will always be there with you, even if she has to go against the whole world. She is not the one to feign illness, but if she is really ill, be there to care for her. She is quite extravagant and giving her the debit cards will mean an empty bank account. She will be a caring mother, who makes no unnecessary fuss and sparks children's imagination. An Aries girl has a bad temper, but it will go away as quickly as it came and leave no grudges behind. She is a complete woman, who gets hurt easily and is totally innocent. Though she is a little impulsive and bossy, she will give you complete security, fight against the world for you and be yours forever!

Confession

I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me... but I can't help it that I'm so popular.

Okay so i have a random confession, I have to get it off my chest. Do you ever have those moments where you have a complete fantasy about doing something absurdly cocky or bitchy? Hmm..like--going up to another catty girl and just being like "Yes?" or..going up to that person who just gets under your skin and letting them have it? In the most eloquent and perfect way possible? I think I humor myself with envisioning it because at the end of the day, I wouldn't let them win by addressing their superficial remarks. But i'm not going to lie..I would love someone else to do it for me.

Truth be told, I think girls are relatively psycho. Particularly what I like to call "Desperadas"--these are the worst kind of girls.  These girls will basically throw themselves at any guy--regardless if they have a girlfriend or not.  Desperate. I hate that.  Why would you want a guy that you have to go out of your way for? I guess that doesn't particularly sound right..but if you have to do EXTRA nice things to get a guy's attention or approval--he's probably not the guy for you.  Likewise, large groups of sorority girls uttering "like..oh my god..frickin'..." etc. make me uncomfortable, only to be amplified by their strange neon orange skin.

I guess if push came to shove I could hold my own with the cattiest of them; 4 years of an all girls catholic highschool left me equipped with bitchy comments and a thick skin. I've never been the type of person to get unnerved by girls..mostly because it's just not worth it.  It also taught me, that majority of the time--the most insecure girls are the ones cutting other people down.

 I think at the end of the day i'm blessed to have unique girl friends who are confident in their own skin; who limit drama and discussion of horrible things like how cosmopolitan changed their life, or how going to the gym without full make-up/hair is not an option.  Times like these, I feel it necessary to imbibe mary catherine gallagher..who could very well be my kindred spirit.



To conclude, William Faulkner writes..“Once a bitch always a bitch, what can I say."

That's all. The End.

I'm a work in progress, just like my stories.

“Our battered suitcases were piled on the sidewalk again; we had longer ways to go. But no matter, the road is life.” - Jack Kerouac

“One’s destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things.”

I keep having dreams about Spain. Nothing in particular that would stand out enough to write about-- I still don't feel like i'm going back, but I do feel like i'm running out of time to see everyone and do everything I want to at home. I really wanted to see Amy before I left. She can't come out for New Years..and it made me so sad. The majority of my short time back at home was spent recuperating-now I feel cheated in a way. It'll be interesting what I have to say when i'm coming back home again. Feeling like I ran out of time to see everything...we always choose time as our preferred opponent. I'll probably also be just as whiny about packing. I hate packing, you always forget something important..but small. Like a comb. Or toothpaste. Hanna told me to make a list.

In an attempt to be organized, after 1 month 1/2 i finally unpacked my massive suitcases. I felt really productive that day..but now i'm kind of stumped why I unpacked in the first place. Anyway, Mandy asked me to bring her ranch corn nuts.

It's weird though, I haven't wanted to write what happened to me there..thus a bunch of entries with quotes. I think because i'm still ruminating about everything, soaking it in. It was the biggest decision I have ever had to make-- To tough it out without help, or go home and tough out having help..feeling judgment. Maybe I was afraid of feeling weak, accepting defeat? I know that sounds crazy, but it's true. I still feel uncomfortable when I bump into someone and have to explain what happened. I don't like that about myself. I'm a work in progress, just like my stories.

I started thinking about where that discomfort comes from, and it's definitely rooted in always being the strong one, taking care of myself. Definitively, since the age of 5 I have felt this pressure to be great, do great things..and never crack under stress. The pressure isn't a bad thing, but a constant reminder of what i've done, who I am, and ultimately who I want to become. I guess the weird thing..the saddest thing.. about this random journey is that I don't have the confidence in myself the way my family and friends do. Part of me is strong, unbendable--but that's because i've had to be, I couldn't change my circumstances so I just dealt with it by smiling instead of crying.

Recently, i've learned a lot about myself and what my strengths/weaknesses are..what I need to change and what will always stay the same...i'm the absent minded professor, the person laughing while standing in line about a random thought, I cover up being shy by babbling about everything and nothing at the same time, my organization is impeccable, I have the strangest dog in the world but nothing could suit me better and i love taking care of her, my OCD deals with things being symmetrical (it drives my mom crazy), I like being spontaneous but am equally stubborn when my mind is made up, working out keeps me balanced, I generally read a book in one sitting, and I love listening to other people tell stories..or just talk.

This summer in particular I learned that you can't run from things, because they always catch up to you. It's annoying but true. I hate being sad or bitter, so in an attempt to ward off any unhappiness I distract myself (usually in the form of cleaning and organizing EVERYTHING) Insomnia eventually wins and then my journal becomes my place to get piece of mind. I went through and read some of my old entries, dating back to 2006 when Lenna passed away and my dad left. It's frustrating to look back on how much i struggled to grapple with their loss. I think Lenna would be proud of me these days. All things considered, I still struggle, but i'm doing better..i'm moving on even though sometimes I feel like it's 2 steps forward, 3 steps back.

For a long time I haven't written a really reflective or in depth entry--These past 2 months have been a period of growth. It killed me to be sitting in my room, alone, thinking about how something as random as Mono changed everything. I can't think of a better way to explain it. I can't believe I pushed myself to the point that I had a seizure the week before I left for Spain. I've never been so scared in my life. Well, to be honest--being asked if I was pregnant or on diet pills by paramedics in a room full of practical strangers is pretty terrifying too lol.

Anyways, after finally making in back home in one piece-- I didn't want my life to be on pause, stuck in first gear. All I wanted to do was be active and get things going again. It still baffles me that I would get weak going downstairs to my kitchen. Too tired to eat. To add to the discontentment, was when my brother told me my Dad was coming to visit him.
It was the past affecting my present my new..separate life from him. He also told me my dad asks about me. It weird how a simple statement can have such an affect--it makes me feel like I got punched in the stomach and can't breathe. It was the first time my mom and I had a real talk about it. She avoided the house that day too. They've been divorced since I was 3 and she couldn't even feel comfortable. That validated me in a way, to see the strongest most independent woman...slightly off balance.

I can't imagine what is coming my way with the next few months. I feel like my life is a revolving door--as if, as much as things change some things stay the same. I'm the same, just a little less wide-eyed..and little less unsure. I'm still nervous about things beyond my control..but i'm strong again..in my own quiet way--i'm here..present..and that's enough for now.

you bet he needs to wear the helmet.

Kenny sent me this priceless SNL skit, telling me it reminded him of when we first met. I don't think that makes us tragic, i think it makes us epic. I proudly wave my freak flag....daily.

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

"After all is said and done, more is said than done."

Relationships aren't wrapped up in a pretty bow--people aren't simple..surface,   so I don't know why we would think relationships can be so black & white, uncomplicated, simple. Think about it, the first tales of romance you hear probably revolve around "Romeo and Juliet" ( wrongful suicide..based on miscommunication) "The Little Mermaid" (false pretenses of identity) oh and now..I'm all about the against all odds romance of Edward Cullen and Bella from Twilight.  ( my favorite quote from the book.... )

"I’m here, and I love you. I have always loved you, and I will always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn’t want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy."

I think that is what every girl wants to hear in their life..something epic..hm.

There is a story about the Greek Gods; they were bored so they invented human beings, but they were still bored so they invented love, then they weren't bored any longer. So they decided to try love for themselves. And finally, they invented laughter, so they could stand it

Throughout dating a lot of talk gets thrown around about mixed signals. Personally, relationships or another person's interest kind of hits me on the head out of nowhere--i'm always oblivious to when someone is interested. My plight in life is being awkward...but I like to think that to my soulmate it's just endearing and part of my strange charm. It's kind of like getting a present unexpectedly..you like me too? Either way, I think dating is a pseudo game of russian roulette. Not that we're trying to kill eachother..but it's like who is going to make the first move? And who is going to put themselves out there? No one wants to be rejected or think wrongly by misinterpreting 'signals'..so then you just have two people standing there staring at eachother..wondering what the hell the other person is thinking. I hate that. Is dating really as simple as "boy meets girl, boy falls for girl, boy and girl live happily ever after," because I haven't heard any fairytales that say "girl meets boy, girl falls for boy, boy and girl live happily ever after." Maybe i've got it all wrong anyhow.



So either way, of course I found this a great opportunity to give into my fascination with google. I googled mixed signals and stumbled upon this article from August 2006,

In a society where it is often difficult to speak from the heart and feel with the soul, do we spend too much time playing mind games, sending out signals and trying to read signals? And what if we get those signals wrong? Do we end up alone nursing a hurt ego – or even a broken heart?

New relationships can be exciting and full of flutterings. There is anticipation, hopefulness and fantasy. There are dreams of a future with only that new-found special person. But what happens when the hope and fantasy is dashed? What if you find someone and you get them all wrong? But what if that isn’t down to you? What if you have been lead down the garden path?

There are men in this world who categorise their women. These men drop their women into one of three boxes:

Firstly, the box that labels a woman as a definite possibility: this woman is everything he wants. She meets most, if not all, of his criteria. He finds her attractive, good conversation, and loves the thought of seeing her and spending that quality time. Most significantly, he would happily take the box home to meet his mother.

Secondly, the box of no return: A woman placed in this box is a definite no-no. She isn’t his type and there will never be any possibility of more. These women have the lid closed on them and have to await their true knight in shining armour to come and pull them out.

And then there is the third box – and this is where things become confusing, but only for her: She is the woman who is attractive and good company – but with whom he never wants a relationship. She is the woman he wants nothing more than casual sex with; a no-strings relationship that involves booty calls, phone or text sex, passionate kisses and hush-hush meetings – but no commitment or acknowledgement of existence. She is his ‘bit of stuff’ and will never be more.

So how does this Box Three relationship happen? Well, in the beginning, there is chemistry and laughter, sexual attraction and flirting. At this stage, she usually contemplates where this could lead while he already knows she belongs in the third box. But at what point does this become clear to her? Answer: quite often, when she has already started walking her way to the first box; quite often, when she is already past the point of no return.

It is a sad situation that new relationships seem to lack communication. We can feel immense attraction to another human being and talk of our pasts, our presents and our dreams for the future. We can kiss and make love, feel excitement and passion, but why can we not talk openly about what we feel, what we are to each other, and what we want to be? By the time this happens, we are usually already actively trusting and caring and this could spell disaster. Why do we not set the rules in the beginning? Why do we allow ourselves to fall into a trap? Why do we not care for our hearts with more dedication?

For the woman walking her way to the first box, it can be a difficult and painful moment when she realises the lid is closed. It involves rejection and humiliation, unanswered questions and self-doubt. Mr Man will walk away as his ‘bit of stuff’ became too complicated – wanted more – while Miss Third Box is left to wonder where she went wrong and how she ever got the wrong end of the stick when, really, she ‘played the game’ flawlessly.

And so I leave the question with you: as we grow and take shape, and decide to step into other peoples’ lives, shouldn’t we first take a moment to decide what we can offer and then share this thought? Because if we rely on signals and the correct interpretation of them, someone, somewhere along the line of three boxes, is going to get hurt – and all because, he spoke a language she was never taught.

I'm not sure I agree with her--I think things are more complicated. I would love to write an article about it..but mine would come up without any answers. I'm not familiar with text sex..but whatever floats your boat. I do like that she says, "he spoke a language she was never taught" which reinforces my theory about 'the casual hook up' and how we weren't given inherent rules about it. But I know plenty of guys who complain about girls leading them on, etc, etc. We're all screwed up. Like I said...people are rarely simple. I guess in the end it's understandable to fall back on the saying..what's meant to be will always find a way.

my new work in progress..."Nice Guys Finish Last"

I didn't ask for this. I thought it was what I wanted, but it is an absolute disaster. Years ago, when I was getting dirt thrown at me during recess, I would cry and wish for my Prince Charming. Now I have three. But it is true, what our parents would warn us about before sleepovers--three is definitely a crowd.

My love life has become this sordid three ring circus, starring the apologetic ex, stable boyfriend, and the can'thavehimbutwanthim crush. You are probably judging me, I don't blame you--some nights I lay awake and judge myself.

Let me explain, my name is Delaney James..wanton love jinx. It started when I was a little girl in pre-school. I was sitting on the swings, whirling myself around on the tip of my toes--when it hit me, well he hit me. Derek..you know the guy that was even cool at age 5? He knocked me off the swing and went off running to help Princess Amber. As I lay there with my chin in the mud, it occurred to me that the damsel in distress will always win the Prince. Have you ever taken the time to look up the word damsel? Well it means a young, unmarried woman. A few months ago, that definition would have incited fear and images of several cats. But now, with more than one Prince in the story, the simple fairy tale I've counted on my entire life is suddenly...well complicated.

It's 11am and I'm still in bed. Tangled up uncomfortably in cold sheets--I can still smell him on my skin. It isn't a cologne per se but something more crisp. Jason smells like mountain scented detergent. I tucked my nose into the t-shirt he left crumpled on the side of the bed and took a deep breath. It occurred to me then that I missed him and his annoying chipper morning attitude. The first night he stayed over I knew it wouldn't work out--he rolled over, morning breath and all, planted a big kiss on me and breathed, "Good morning, beautiful." I wanted to smack him. It was circa 7am, I could smell the sleep escaping his mouth and was instantly resentful that I had to be an object worthy of adoration that early. A year and a half later, I am accepting that this rational man believes my bed-head, mismatched boyish pajamas, leftover makeup, and rank morning breath are adorable, somedays even lovable.

Jason came into my life in an oddly storybook way. I was dragging behind my oversized mutt in the park, when Puddles took off running after a stray football. Before I knew it, I was partaking in a game of chase with a labrador and my least favorite sports object. Sprinting clumsily in my flip flops, dodging small children and waving off disapproving mothers, it occurred to me that I was completely out of my league with this dog. I keeled over with my hands on my knees, eyeing Puddles in defeat. "You win, you're in charge. Just hand over the ball," I crooned, reaching slowly to pick up the leash. I had cornered Puddles against a big Oak tree, beckoning him forward repeating the word "treat" innocently, desperately. The drool oozed around the ball wedged in his teeth, and the low growl implied my tactics were a no go. Suddenly, a whistle and leg pat coming from behind me turned Puddles back into an obedient dog. Typical, as if nothing had happened. Jason smiled up at me smugly, holding Puddles in a playful chokehold as the ball dropped easily to the grass.

    He extended his hand, "Looks like your dog just kicked my ass as wide receiver. I'm Jason Stech." Cute, very cute. His playful hazel eyes took me in, a hot mess. My hair had fallen from the loose ponytail and stuck to my conveniently make-up less face. Embarrassed, I shook it lightly, and attempted to wipe the dazzled look off my face, 

"Marisa...and this thief is Puddles. I can't thank you enough. I definitely have my hands full with this guy," I trailed off and patted the dog.

 His confidence caught me off guard, "Well, you could thank me by going out to dinner with me tomorrow." 

  I agreed to dinner, and coffee later that day. I broke the faux unavailable rule after 2 months of dateless weekends, and the iron will to mend my embittered heart.

Quotes for thought.

"Time is a sort of river of passing events, and strong is its current; no sooner is a thing brought to sight than it is swept by and another takes its place, and this too will be swept away."

"In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins--not through strength but by perseverance."

"How far you go in life depends on you being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and the strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these."

Gym time, to be continued.

Apple Cider Vinegar?

So we all know I go through phases of obsession with random products (Mr. Clean Febreze scented cleaner, Mini Wheats, Oatmeal Squares, Safeway Salsa, Colombian coffee)..this time it's something random and unexpected--APPLE CIDER VINEGAR!


Apple Cider Vinegar actually has severalwebsites--where has this little miracle worker been hiding from me? Even Fergie takes shots of apple cider vinegar for weight loss (fergilicious= ACV? granted..no studies have actually proved this)


So last night I took it upon myself to take a shot of apple cider vinegar, circa 11:30 at night. Expectation being that I was going to puke..but I took it like a champ--envisioning the overall health benefits. Anyways, I thought of it because one of the workout fanatics I know told me about it last year as a way to lose weight and avoid a hangover. I was skeptical, but last night took to my googling addiction and found a great website about all things apple cider vinegar.



Not only does Apple Cider Vinegar help with weight loss

2 teaspoons of ACV in a glass of water at each meal. No change in the daily food intake is required except to avoid high fat containing foods

. it can also be used on blemishes

Apply a solution of apple cider vinegar and water (2 tablespoons to 1 eight ounce glass of water) with a cotton ball several times a day. This will help reduce infection and dry out inflammation.

It can also be used on bruises (i.e for people like my 17 year old brother who still get embarrassing hickey's)

Dissolve 1 teaspoon of salt in ½ cup (125 ml) of warm apple cider vinegar and apply it to the bruise as a compress

Last night, Dupree was sitting on the couch and was complaining about leg cramps from his work out earlier. ACV has a fix for that too amazingly,

Muscle cramps can be caused by a calcium and magnesium imbalance in the body and by a lack of vitamin E. To help prevent the recurrence of cramps, take a regular tonic of apple cider vinegar (2 or 3 teaspoons to 8 ounces of water) along with 1 teaspoon of honey

Another website talked about how it is good to use on your skin, to clear complexion and add a healthy glow.

Skin exfoliate: Exfoliates skin and softens skin, Helps clear acne

A quick way to beautify yourself with apple cider vinegar would be to simply rub your skin with a few drops of apple cider vinegar. That's right, its as simple as that!

First, make sure that your skin is clean and wet, so as to allow the apple cider vinegar to work more effectively, as the top most layer of oils and dirt will be washed off. Next, dab a few drops of apple cider vinegar to your skin and rub in a circular motion, as though massaging the skin for around thirty seconds. This will loosen the dead skin and effectively exfoliate the skin. Lastly, rinse off the apple cider vinegar with clean water, and enjoy your more radiant skin.

1) Apple cider vinegar soak and hair rinse: Aids muscle tone, skin softness and hair shine

Adding a cup of apple cider vinegar to your bath water when you soak can do wonders. The apple cider vinegar allows the skin to soften, while at the same time toning up and firming your muscles. The high potassium levels are also able to sooth any muscle aches that you may have. Allowing your hair to be rinsed in apple cider vinegar moreover, adds an extra little shine to it, and also rids your hair of soap residue.


So I just tried it out, rubbing a few dots of apple cider vinegar on my skin after rinsing it with water..and my skin is SO soft. It was a little red at first (probably because of the exfoliant) but now it's just really smooth and radiant. I also added it to my bathwater and my skin was baby soft. Two thumbs up :)

Britney!!

Firstly, Britney's "For the Record" debuted this week--so impressive and honest. It's interesting that she let camera crews follow her around and told the whole story, most people are not comfortable letting anyone see them vulnerable. It was amazing to see the paparazzi bubbling over to snap pictures of her in the car or shopping, it was also disheartening to see someone living their life in a glass house--no privacy, alone time, or peaceful solitude doing everyday errands. While most of us are dreaming about success and riches, she is dreaming about being alone on an island with her children and

 dream man. I guess the 

grass is always greener on the other side.

Lastly, I wanted to applaud her on her integrity as an artist. When the interviewer inquires whether or not she sees herself as a victim of fame, she takes a moment and responds that she is not a victim--the jest of it was that she does what she loves and victimization is a mindset she doesn't have. She actually gets upset when people talk about being a victim of celebrity--she said she just tries to see the positivity of every situation and gets mad at herself when she has a bad day.

I suppose it's relatively impossible to always have a good day, but I think it's important to slow down and see the silver lining. I wish I could do it. I actually think i'm going to try more to be positive and lighthearted instead of taking everything on all the time. I get it when she talks about art as her medium--it's nice when you can just let it all out (for me..obviously it's writing)  Like Britney, I'm going to go through my life like a karate kid.

PS: You can listen to her new album on her website, britneyspears.com --and per usual, her music is top notch and great to work out too (it makes me feel better if britney can come back better than ever, so can I :) lol ))

I feel loneliest at night.

It's 4:25am on Saturday morning. I cried-- I HATE crying, particularly by myself...if that makes sense. Tears are impossible, it's like they fill up inside you, then they spill over and out your eyes..down your cheeks..and back into your body--just to sting your lips. The more your try and fight them--the more futile it is. Like I said, I hate crying.




When it comes time to go to sleep...when the city becomes quiet...and i'm alone--my thoughts keep me awake. I try and push them back, but in their place is insomnia. Miserable, bittersweet insomnia. Night Owls. Is there something more emotionally plundering to the name? I haven't wanted to write about this...because this is something i'm not proud of, something about me I do not want to own, or maybe something I don't even understand.

A large, still book is a piece of quietness, succulent and nourishing in a noisy world,

The company of my misery is found in several pages, divided into chapters, reawakened at the end of another book. The escape is over, and i'm back where I started...the indistinguishable thoughts that I don't want to face resurface...and then I ponder about watching a romantic comedy for cliche laughs...or starting another paper adventure to lose myself in. It's some sort of vicious cycle that I can't break. I just feel confused, like I'm waiting for..the better version of myself to float up.

Lately, i've immersed myself in Twilight and now i'm onto the follow-up New Moon. I was hoping to be comforted by the epic romance of Edward and Bella..but so far in the second novel i've just been reading about a character's loneliness that mirrors my own, thus..200 pages later i'm still unsettled and disappointed with my misery's company.

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.

Think twice about fast food.

Alright...let me just set this up for you. I was driving passed Jack in the box..and I saw a sign that frightened me..they were serving teriyaki bowls. Hmm. Jack in the box. Teriyaki Bowl. Jack in the box. Teriyaki bowl.

I don't understand where the idea came from or why they would think they could serve Asian cuisine. A more important question..who would order that from Jack in the box?!?!?! Apparently, it was a menu favorite just 5 short years ago and is back by popular demand. SERIOUSLY? People are going to Jack in the Box to get their teriyaki fix? Tragic. Absolutely, positively tragic. It got me thinking about nutrition...and fast food..and how the two words just don't belong in the same sentence.




The latest fast food phenomenon (catastrophe) that sent me over the edge was the fried macaroni and cheese bites. Macaroni is bad enough...but then to deep fry it? You've got be kidding. So who would think of making this abomination a menu choice? Look no further.." Mac 'n' cheese is an American classic that's universally loved," said Teka O'Rourke, director of menu marketing and promotions for Jack in the Box Inc. "Our new Cheesy Macaroni Bites offer the same great flavor of the original dish, but in a unique, finger-food style that's very convenient and portable."

It occurred to me that one of the biggest problems with people is that we measure something by its level of convenience..and not its ultimate value. Macaroni and Cheese is a staple comfort food--follow me with this, we are now getting pseudo comfort; conveniently and quickly on-the-go.





When people are ordering macaroni bites (440 calories in 6 pieces)...I doubt they are on their own. Paired with a soda and another menu choice..or even one packet of ranch...we are looking at almost an entire day's caloric intake in one crappy meal. Just one of the buttermilk house dressing packets has 290 calories and 30g of fat. At what cost?

And really..after re-reading my entry from London..I discovered my tasty big mac treat had 560 calories. Plus french fries at 250 calories = 810. And if you want the whole truth, i'll throw myself under the bus..I had 2 big macs that night...1,370 calories!!!

So i'm not totally above an occasional fast food slip up..obviously...Last thursday I went out, had a couple drinks and then took a trip across the border and indulged in 2 burrito supreme's and a taco. I'm repentant..not only because of the stomach ache that accompanied my fast food treat, but also due to the fact it wasn't as satisfying as I would have hoped. So how much damage did I really do?



1 burrito supreme: 440 calories, 162 fat calories
x 2 =880 calories
+ 1 beef taco: 170 calories,90 from fat

= 1,050 calories.


Here it is, I was looking for convenient satiety. As a result of my fast food aberration, I felt terrible. The food is bad quality and offers no nutritional substance. So from now on, after counting calories, I realize that the convenience is definitely not worth it.

So I got a new car???

Okay, i'll admit--i've always had the fantasy of a brand new car showing up on my driveway Christmas morning, with a big red ribbon.  FANTASY is the operative word.  Anyways, on my return from Tucson, I came home to find a brand new Acura TSX in the driveway..and my fateful companion, the white celica, gone. 

 

I had an inkling that my mom might have something up her sleeve, when we stopped to look at the TSX's about a month ago.  I figured she was looking more for herself and maybe trading in the MDX for a sedan.  

I've always wanted a TSX..in my mind it being the perfect car. My dream car in fact.  4 doors, but still compact.  I was going to get myself an older one and buy it when i got back from Spain.  And somehow..it's going to already be waiting for me.  I want to pinch myself. 

I feel really lucky today, and really really appreciative.  

I want to write a small thank you memoir to my celica.  Please stop reading so you don't think i'm a total loser.

Dear Celica aka Lola,

I would like to thank you for being my fateful companion.  I remember when you showed up at my house my junior year of highschool--I loved you so much that I learned how to drive stick shift in 1 day.  Thank you for tolerating stalling at every red light the next morning on the way to school.  I think I cried from frustration.  Also, thank you for being patient with me when learning how to downshift.   Thank you for forgiving me everytime I pulled forward too much and scraped the front bumper.  Thank you for having the best turn radius ev-er.  Thank you for becoming clean again after you sat under a gross tree for 3 months in Santa Fe when I ditched you and opted to drive the BMW while I could.   Thank you for being a stick shift..so it was practically impossible to drive you under the influence. Also, thank you for being reliable--particularly in the most embarrassing moment of my directionally retarded life while driving from New Mexico to Arizona..and somehow ending up accidentally in Texas.   Thank you for being the best little Celica in the world, and whenever I see a white celica--i'll miss you.  

Sincerely,

Courtney Elizabeth

Gay Marriage

I said in an earlier entry that i was worried that the ban on gay marriage was getting little attention, then I found this 'top 10 reasons why gay marriage is wrong" memo--and I thought it was pretty clever and insightful. Anyways, here it is:

"10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong":

1) Being gay is not natural.

And real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, air conditioning, tattoos, piercings and silicon breasts...

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay.

In the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior.

People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract. Lamps are next.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all.

Hence why women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed.

And we can't let the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children.

So therefore, gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our population isn't out of control, our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children.

Since, of course, straight parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion.

In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home.

Which is exactly why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms.

Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Standing up for myself in a few paragraphs.

Sometimes you have to get to know someone really well to realize you're really strangers.

William Blake wrote, "It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend." Perhaps it's easier to forgive an enemy because you don't have expectations of them..but a friend..those are the ones who set the standard.

I suppose a lot of the sayings are true..particularly that you don't know who your friends are until push comes to shove. It was a tough pill to swallow at first...but I think you've known the truth in that statement all along. I say this because I think you knew that you could never be there for anyone else, so you weren't disappointed in your friends when they weren't there for you..., afterall you surrounded yourself with mirror images of the selfishness you embody. It makes me sad, but more sad for you, that I never realized how artificial you were. When you are unsettled, shaky, and discontent it filters into the other aspects of your life, and if it goes unchecked I guess it ultimately poisons your relationships with other people.

What I see now, is not a problem within myself--but a problem within you. The great difference between you and I, is that all the time my world was falling apart--I never expected everyone else's world to stop and fall apart too.

You spend so much time belittling the superficiality of those around you--but you are the most superficial of them all. I wish you luck, judging everyone from atop the walls you built around yourself. When the day comes, where you do something to genuinely help a friend without complaining or thinking about how it inconveniences you..I will applaud you. When you can call a friend to sincerely hear how they are doing..then you might start to become the person I always hoped you were..hoped you could be.

I find solace in the Golden Girls.

When people tell you they're worried about you...what are you supposed to do with it? It's an interesting spot, to be trying to please everyone and then realize that you haven't effectually been putting up the guise you'd hoped. I guess it's understandable..one could get feeble when they've been trying to juggle their own life and problems, your expectations and problems, all the while maintaining a beaming smile while keeping up the tremendous effort.

So...it seems to be either let them see you struggle, or fake harder. Can I just catch a break? I woke up at 1:30 today, and in addition to the ramifications of Mono I think I have insomnia--I told Aus last night, "I think i'm going to go downstairs and watch TV." he asked why, I said "I find solace in the Golden Girls.

The Election :)

So the media reiterated that today...tonight...would be a historic election. People would recount tales of where they were when they heard the news that Barack Obama was elected President. That this election was a turning point for our nation, that a black man would be President. What makes me sad is...when did Barack Obama become more known as a figurehead for a minority movement...and not a figurehead for our country...as an established, noteworthy candidate?

I'll give it to them, I'm sure i'll remember sitting on the couch--looking from my right to my left, hearing comments that the media was only showing black people celebrating in the crowd....black people speaking about Obama. It makes me sad, because I wish people would ignore race as a reason for voting. For or Against. I just feel that in order for race to no longer be an issue..people need to somehow become colorblind. Maybe that's too hopeful or naive or something.

Also, i'm very concerned about the lack of attention the ban on gay marriage is receiving, and also abortion rights. Bush is adamant that there should be a ban on gay marriage...but personally--I don't understand why marriage is not representative of a union between two people who want to be together forever. There are significant legal rights involved with marriage, and if two people want to spend their lives together....shouldn't they be provided the same tax cuts, etc, that other people establishing a life together receive?

I feel bad, i'm sure Sarah Palin is a great woman--but I can't help but think she kind of took McCain down. Most people were afraid of her becoming vice-president. Here are some of her embarrassing moments..(kind of reminds me of George Bush..."Watch this swing!")



Ultimately..all things Palin considered..I think Bush ruined the chance of the Republican party to succeed in this election. Because of his unpopular/groundless decisions, and bad light in the media; many ignorant people assumed that everything Bush is everything Republican. I'm also worried, like many of my friends, that in a year from now--people will still be discontented with the lackluster change in the economy. Pretty words and promises are nothing without follow through...and i really really really hope Obama incites the change he promised--or better yet, that people will be realistic about how quickly pragmatic changes can be put into place.