"Nice Guys Finish Last" cont..

((The first portion was written on December 6th...here's the next part i've come up with.))

Shit. I was supposed to call Carla an hour ago.  I looked at the night stand clock, 12:30 PM.  I have no idea where time goes.  I threw the comforter off the bed, digging through the sheets to find my cell phone.  

"Yo," was her answer.  

"Yo? Been indulging in some BET?" I retorted, pulling my dirty jeans on from the floor. 

"That's my business.  Starbucks?" She replied mysteriously.

"Sounds good, i'm rolling out of bed as we speak--are you put together?"

"Mmm.." I could tell she was checking herself out in the mirror, "Decent.  I'll see you in a bit." 

         I decided it wasn't right to wear two dirty clothes items, so I rustled through my closet to find a clean t-shirt and baseball cap to cover up my bedhead.  I had this obsession with baseball caps, so much so that Jason bought me a CAL hat that had my name embroidered on the back.  His nickname for me was Dee.  Unoriginal, but it was the first nickname I'd had since my brother called me ding dong back in pre-school.   Anyways, it is my favorite hat.  I grabbed the keys off the dresser, slid into flip flops, and shoved my wallet and phone into a purse that was much too big to serve any practical purpose.  

    Driving to Starbucks mid-afternoon is my favorite thing.  I love people watching at the esplanade--you get a great mix of bored socialite housewives and everyone else who tries too hard.  Being in the presence of such material perfection makes me aware of my own flaws. I've never been the type of girl who is put together well; something is always amiss.  I look at other women and sigh to myself and think--how do you do it?  Does it take as much as time as I imagine it does? Or is there some pampering secret they are holding out from the rest of us?

    God bless my mother for trying so hard.  She would practically have to pry my food-smeared uniform skirts from my hands in high school to be washed regularly.  To me,  it just never really mattered.  I have been an athlete my entire life, thus beauty always came second to extra sleep.   That saying about "dressing for the day" just makes me laugh--it just makes you that more peeved when something gets spilled on your expensive blouse or suede boots.  Which always happens the moment you decide it's worth the risk on a random afternoon outing.  

    Carla was never hard to find, she always wore colors you wouldn't think existed outside some shroom' inspired rainbow.  She pulled it off either way.  Today was particularly festive, peacock blue with some kind of emerald green beading. 

 "My love!" I crooned, enveloping her in a hug.  

     My favorite part of Carla was how much personality she packed into her petite 5'1" frame. Her happiness bubbled over and onto anyone in her vicinity, contagious.  "You look just lovely," she taunted.  

"Oh please, like I care.  I overslept this morning," I replied nonchalantly, opening the door into the familiar shop.  

I love the smell of coffee, and the sound of newspapers crumpling.  But the very best thing about Starbucks is that no matter what state or country you are in--they all feel like your local spot.  She looked at me skeptically, pulling a ball of lint off my pocket, 

 "Oh fine, Jason's out of town. Give me a break." 

She laughed easily, and loudly.  That always bothered me but I never mentioned it--it was blasphemous to imagine Carla with anything but a loud laugh. 

 "So, since the ball and chain is on vaca--what are you doing this weekend? Specifically, tonight?" 

  "Mm..you caught me.  I was going to.." I paused thinking of what my real options were.  Walk Puddles, watch lifetime, or maybe if I was feeling really spontaneous I would read the new romance novel I had secretly purchased. "Actually, what did you have mind?" 

  Carla worked for Bebe and somehow knew everyone,  which led to great perks at club openings, etc. Her life was pretty glamorous, sometimes I was envious and then other times I was perfectly content with my quiet, predictable existence.  The one thing about Carla that both stumped and inspired me was her disinterest in serious relationships.  She had ended things bitterly with her ex Kyle a couple years ago after dating throughout college.  Nobody really understood it at the time, they seemed happy, but she explained it as an early-life crisis and decided any type of commitment was too much to ask for now.  Her blackberry danced on the table, sending ripples through my black coffee, "Working on Saturday?" I inquired.

An annoyed sigh escaped her lips, "It's Keith."

"Oooh...Keith? Really? I thought you ended that." I trailed off, watching a woman outside force her miniature poodle into a hellacious louis vuitton bag, screeching and yapping.  I scrunched up my nose, almost feeling sorry for the pink clad creature. I turned back to observe Carla. 

"Well I did, er..I was going to.  He is fun.  We do have fun. But I just feel like he is so frou-frou.  And really, a music producer? Sketch." Her eyebrows raised slightly reading over the text, "Speaking of fun, I was going to see if you wanted to go the Pussycat Lounge, but Keith's label is actually having a promotion at Dirty Pretty.  Fun, right?" She purred. 

I could just see it now.  Carla and I dressed to the 9's, weaving our way through a bunch of over-tanned, platinum barbie look alikes, while men flaunting cheesy pick-up lines crowded around the perimeter of the dance floor, looking ravenous and ready to pounce.  I bit my lower lip, on the other hand it would be nice to get out and let loose.  

"Evan's going to be there. I think I forgot to mention that." Her eyes sparkled in mischief.

I almost choked on my coffee, "Evan? My Evan?" 

"Yes, Evan whom you should make beautiful babies with." She joked, tossing her hair and eyeing me curiously.  I rolled my eyes, "Beautiful babies are the last thing on my list, but thanks.  I don't know, that could be interesting.  Maybe too interesting," I paused, folding the splenda wrapper into squares, " I mean..ugh, he may not even want to see me." The truth hung in the air, and I immediately wanted to snatch the words back and shove them into my mouth.  

"Not want to see you? You really are out of your damn mind.  What do you expect? The guy is only going to give you so many opportunities before rolling over to the next girl."

Her words stung, I don't know if I could really tell you why.  Evan was the one guy I just couldn't shake.  There are relationships where you have the upper-hand, and relationships where you are just tongue tied the minute they walk into the room.  We had a checkered past, nothing serious, but he popped into my mind from time to time.  The guy I wanted but couldn't have.  

"Do we have to talk about it? It was awhile ago, anyway.  I'm sure in his mind it was nothing.  What time would we need to be there?" I surrendered, seeing Evan peaked my interest.  I wondered what he would say when he saw me? Does he think about me too? My pocket vibrated, bringing me back to reality--Jason was calling. 

nosferatu. aka...bella

So Bella is an obese man trapped in a small Chihuahua's body. 

Normally, her trucker etiquette doesn't bother me--it actually comforts me. But tonight her inability to find a comfortable spot in my nook and continual wheezing made it impossible to sleep. I think Bella is actually sick--plausible cold or terrible allergies? After the third time she woke me up with this awkward snort/wheeze I surrendered and decided to take her downstairs to get some water or fresh air. 

I'm not sure how to take care of her. Once I put her by the water bowl

she moved by it and began searching the floor for remnants of food. Food is her number one priority. Now we are sitting on the sofa, waiting out her strange behavior at 2:55 AM.

When I first got her, she totally manipulated me. Never having had responsibility for a dog of my own, I assumed when she woke me up at odd hours she MUST have to pee. WRONG, there I would be in my underwear with Bella outside my apartment at 4am in December. Just looking for scraps of pizza--her own mission impossible. I also thought perhaps Bella wasn't potty trained. That wasn't true either, in fact--my dog is spiteful. When she's mad at me--she leaves poop outside my bedroom door. My brothers have learned recently that their doors being shut is not acceptable..2 pieces of poop outside both doors.

It's come to the point that if you asked me who I would want to be stranded on a desert island with, my answer just might be Bella. I'd never go hungry. Me and my little survivor.


I wish she could tell me what's wrong. Considering Bella is more like a small demon than a dog, i'm surprised she's not speaking in old world languages, casting spells...levitating.

 I'm googling dog allergies and coming up with nothing. For years, if someone asked me what my super power of choice would be--hands down it would be having the ability to read minds. That would move mountains in my own life. I would love to know what the people around are thinking. Could you imagine if you could know what the man sitting in front of you is thinking? Knowing what people want from you? Maybe the english major in me is always reading in between the lines instead of just listening.

Well googling has led me to a dark place..I just stumbled upon a heading that said "Why your pet should go organic." I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that someone wrote it or the fact that I read it. Yikes.

 She kind of smells too. I guess I won't judge her, sometimes sick people smell. I still love her. I think i'm going to look for Benadryl and see if that helps her if i put it in yogurt. Then maybe, if we're lucky--I'll be able to climb back into bed and sleep peacefully.

Don't make fun of me, but I love the astrology stuff.

I feel like this is frighteningly dead on about me.  Is it really not my fault--and just when I was born? haha

She has to lead, to be the first one to do anything. At times, her independence does not go well with the male ego. However, an Aries girl never wants a puppy for a lover or a husband. She seeks a man, but not the one who constantly chases her. The best way to woo her is to throw subtle hints, be a little detached and keep her wondering. Give her the impression that you can resist her charms and she will come rushing to you, to prove that she's desirable. Aries women will never have to yearn for male attention.

They always get plenty of it, but inside they will be waiting for the one they cannot have. An Aries woman can survive even the toughest of circumstances alone and has the ability to come back even after the most gruesome tragedies. She can play the role of a female perfectly and, at the same time, can do everything that a man can do. If you have managed to subdue her aggressive drive, you will be treated to a woman who is full of optimism and has such faith in future that can uplift your mood also.

An Aries female does not like flattery. You should be sincere while complimenting her. Over-sweetness and too much closeness can make her run away, but she doesn't want you to be too detached also. You'll have to maintain that delicate balance and still keep the romance alive. Once she has committed to you, she will be extremely sentimental and very loyal. Don't dominate an Aries female and don't let her dominate you. Either of the extremes, she will not be able to tolerate. Give her reasons to be proud of you, but do not forget to praise her for her talent too. Her expectations are too high, but she will also give you double in retur

You will get plenty of reasons to be jealous when you are with an Aries female, since she is more comfortable with men than women. However, don't be suspicious of her, she would be really hurt. She is possessive, but she doesn't like to be possessed. She wants her freedom and your complete trust. Remember, if she's committed to you, you have no reasons to doubt her loyalty and sincerity. An Aries woman is much too truthful to be involved with two people at the same time. She will first break up the relationship that is not working.

She is extremely passionate and believes in forever-lasting relationships. Though, this leaves her disillusioned many a times. She will never play games with you and is incapable of deceit. An Aries girl is nothing if not simple, innocent and very emotional. Maximum chances are that she will continue her career even after marriage. She loves challenges and believes in miracles. Though it sounds a little freaky, but miracles do happen in her case. Just like a typical Aries, she never learns from her mistakes and is likely to fall in the same hole again.

For her love means sharing and that means sharing everything, right from her emotions and checkbook to your bank account. Always respect an Aries woman and never try to dampen her zeal, or she will be hurt. Though she tries to show that she is very strong, she is as innocent and as vulnerable as a baby. Be there to comfort her when she runs up to you after being disappointed with the world. If you stand up to her when she comes to you like this, you will never ever lose her. An Aries female will never forgive you if you fail to fight for her.

In return, she will always be there with you, even if she has to go against the whole world. She is not the one to feign illness, but if she is really ill, be there to care for her. She is quite extravagant and giving her the debit cards will mean an empty bank account. She will be a caring mother, who makes no unnecessary fuss and sparks children's imagination. An Aries girl has a bad temper, but it will go away as quickly as it came and leave no grudges behind. She is a complete woman, who gets hurt easily and is totally innocent. Though she is a little impulsive and bossy, she will give you complete security, fight against the world for you and be yours forever!

Confession

I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me... but I can't help it that I'm so popular.

Okay so i have a random confession, I have to get it off my chest. Do you ever have those moments where you have a complete fantasy about doing something absurdly cocky or bitchy? Hmm..like--going up to another catty girl and just being like "Yes?" or..going up to that person who just gets under your skin and letting them have it? In the most eloquent and perfect way possible? I think I humor myself with envisioning it because at the end of the day, I wouldn't let them win by addressing their superficial remarks. But i'm not going to lie..I would love someone else to do it for me.

Truth be told, I think girls are relatively psycho. Particularly what I like to call "Desperadas"--these are the worst kind of girls.  These girls will basically throw themselves at any guy--regardless if they have a girlfriend or not.  Desperate. I hate that.  Why would you want a guy that you have to go out of your way for? I guess that doesn't particularly sound right..but if you have to do EXTRA nice things to get a guy's attention or approval--he's probably not the guy for you.  Likewise, large groups of sorority girls uttering "like..oh my god..frickin'..." etc. make me uncomfortable, only to be amplified by their strange neon orange skin.

I guess if push came to shove I could hold my own with the cattiest of them; 4 years of an all girls catholic highschool left me equipped with bitchy comments and a thick skin. I've never been the type of person to get unnerved by girls..mostly because it's just not worth it.  It also taught me, that majority of the time--the most insecure girls are the ones cutting other people down.

 I think at the end of the day i'm blessed to have unique girl friends who are confident in their own skin; who limit drama and discussion of horrible things like how cosmopolitan changed their life, or how going to the gym without full make-up/hair is not an option.  Times like these, I feel it necessary to imbibe mary catherine gallagher..who could very well be my kindred spirit.



To conclude, William Faulkner writes..“Once a bitch always a bitch, what can I say."

That's all. The End.

I'm a work in progress, just like my stories.

“Our battered suitcases were piled on the sidewalk again; we had longer ways to go. But no matter, the road is life.” - Jack Kerouac

“One’s destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things.”

I keep having dreams about Spain. Nothing in particular that would stand out enough to write about-- I still don't feel like i'm going back, but I do feel like i'm running out of time to see everyone and do everything I want to at home. I really wanted to see Amy before I left. She can't come out for New Years..and it made me so sad. The majority of my short time back at home was spent recuperating-now I feel cheated in a way. It'll be interesting what I have to say when i'm coming back home again. Feeling like I ran out of time to see everything...we always choose time as our preferred opponent. I'll probably also be just as whiny about packing. I hate packing, you always forget something important..but small. Like a comb. Or toothpaste. Hanna told me to make a list.

In an attempt to be organized, after 1 month 1/2 i finally unpacked my massive suitcases. I felt really productive that day..but now i'm kind of stumped why I unpacked in the first place. Anyway, Mandy asked me to bring her ranch corn nuts.

It's weird though, I haven't wanted to write what happened to me there..thus a bunch of entries with quotes. I think because i'm still ruminating about everything, soaking it in. It was the biggest decision I have ever had to make-- To tough it out without help, or go home and tough out having help..feeling judgment. Maybe I was afraid of feeling weak, accepting defeat? I know that sounds crazy, but it's true. I still feel uncomfortable when I bump into someone and have to explain what happened. I don't like that about myself. I'm a work in progress, just like my stories.

I started thinking about where that discomfort comes from, and it's definitely rooted in always being the strong one, taking care of myself. Definitively, since the age of 5 I have felt this pressure to be great, do great things..and never crack under stress. The pressure isn't a bad thing, but a constant reminder of what i've done, who I am, and ultimately who I want to become. I guess the weird thing..the saddest thing.. about this random journey is that I don't have the confidence in myself the way my family and friends do. Part of me is strong, unbendable--but that's because i've had to be, I couldn't change my circumstances so I just dealt with it by smiling instead of crying.

Recently, i've learned a lot about myself and what my strengths/weaknesses are..what I need to change and what will always stay the same...i'm the absent minded professor, the person laughing while standing in line about a random thought, I cover up being shy by babbling about everything and nothing at the same time, my organization is impeccable, I have the strangest dog in the world but nothing could suit me better and i love taking care of her, my OCD deals with things being symmetrical (it drives my mom crazy), I like being spontaneous but am equally stubborn when my mind is made up, working out keeps me balanced, I generally read a book in one sitting, and I love listening to other people tell stories..or just talk.

This summer in particular I learned that you can't run from things, because they always catch up to you. It's annoying but true. I hate being sad or bitter, so in an attempt to ward off any unhappiness I distract myself (usually in the form of cleaning and organizing EVERYTHING) Insomnia eventually wins and then my journal becomes my place to get piece of mind. I went through and read some of my old entries, dating back to 2006 when Lenna passed away and my dad left. It's frustrating to look back on how much i struggled to grapple with their loss. I think Lenna would be proud of me these days. All things considered, I still struggle, but i'm doing better..i'm moving on even though sometimes I feel like it's 2 steps forward, 3 steps back.

For a long time I haven't written a really reflective or in depth entry--These past 2 months have been a period of growth. It killed me to be sitting in my room, alone, thinking about how something as random as Mono changed everything. I can't think of a better way to explain it. I can't believe I pushed myself to the point that I had a seizure the week before I left for Spain. I've never been so scared in my life. Well, to be honest--being asked if I was pregnant or on diet pills by paramedics in a room full of practical strangers is pretty terrifying too lol.

Anyways, after finally making in back home in one piece-- I didn't want my life to be on pause, stuck in first gear. All I wanted to do was be active and get things going again. It still baffles me that I would get weak going downstairs to my kitchen. Too tired to eat. To add to the discontentment, was when my brother told me my Dad was coming to visit him.
It was the past affecting my present my new..separate life from him. He also told me my dad asks about me. It weird how a simple statement can have such an affect--it makes me feel like I got punched in the stomach and can't breathe. It was the first time my mom and I had a real talk about it. She avoided the house that day too. They've been divorced since I was 3 and she couldn't even feel comfortable. That validated me in a way, to see the strongest most independent woman...slightly off balance.

I can't imagine what is coming my way with the next few months. I feel like my life is a revolving door--as if, as much as things change some things stay the same. I'm the same, just a little less wide-eyed..and little less unsure. I'm still nervous about things beyond my control..but i'm strong again..in my own quiet way--i'm here..present..and that's enough for now.

you bet he needs to wear the helmet.

Kenny sent me this priceless SNL skit, telling me it reminded him of when we first met. I don't think that makes us tragic, i think it makes us epic. I proudly wave my freak flag....daily.

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

"After all is said and done, more is said than done."

Relationships aren't wrapped up in a pretty bow--people aren't simple..surface,   so I don't know why we would think relationships can be so black & white, uncomplicated, simple. Think about it, the first tales of romance you hear probably revolve around "Romeo and Juliet" ( wrongful suicide..based on miscommunication) "The Little Mermaid" (false pretenses of identity) oh and now..I'm all about the against all odds romance of Edward Cullen and Bella from Twilight.  ( my favorite quote from the book.... )

"I’m here, and I love you. I have always loved you, and I will always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn’t want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy."

I think that is what every girl wants to hear in their life..something epic..hm.

There is a story about the Greek Gods; they were bored so they invented human beings, but they were still bored so they invented love, then they weren't bored any longer. So they decided to try love for themselves. And finally, they invented laughter, so they could stand it

Throughout dating a lot of talk gets thrown around about mixed signals. Personally, relationships or another person's interest kind of hits me on the head out of nowhere--i'm always oblivious to when someone is interested. My plight in life is being awkward...but I like to think that to my soulmate it's just endearing and part of my strange charm. It's kind of like getting a present unexpectedly..you like me too? Either way, I think dating is a pseudo game of russian roulette. Not that we're trying to kill eachother..but it's like who is going to make the first move? And who is going to put themselves out there? No one wants to be rejected or think wrongly by misinterpreting 'signals'..so then you just have two people standing there staring at eachother..wondering what the hell the other person is thinking. I hate that. Is dating really as simple as "boy meets girl, boy falls for girl, boy and girl live happily ever after," because I haven't heard any fairytales that say "girl meets boy, girl falls for boy, boy and girl live happily ever after." Maybe i've got it all wrong anyhow.



So either way, of course I found this a great opportunity to give into my fascination with google. I googled mixed signals and stumbled upon this article from August 2006,

In a society where it is often difficult to speak from the heart and feel with the soul, do we spend too much time playing mind games, sending out signals and trying to read signals? And what if we get those signals wrong? Do we end up alone nursing a hurt ego – or even a broken heart?

New relationships can be exciting and full of flutterings. There is anticipation, hopefulness and fantasy. There are dreams of a future with only that new-found special person. But what happens when the hope and fantasy is dashed? What if you find someone and you get them all wrong? But what if that isn’t down to you? What if you have been lead down the garden path?

There are men in this world who categorise their women. These men drop their women into one of three boxes:

Firstly, the box that labels a woman as a definite possibility: this woman is everything he wants. She meets most, if not all, of his criteria. He finds her attractive, good conversation, and loves the thought of seeing her and spending that quality time. Most significantly, he would happily take the box home to meet his mother.

Secondly, the box of no return: A woman placed in this box is a definite no-no. She isn’t his type and there will never be any possibility of more. These women have the lid closed on them and have to await their true knight in shining armour to come and pull them out.

And then there is the third box – and this is where things become confusing, but only for her: She is the woman who is attractive and good company – but with whom he never wants a relationship. She is the woman he wants nothing more than casual sex with; a no-strings relationship that involves booty calls, phone or text sex, passionate kisses and hush-hush meetings – but no commitment or acknowledgement of existence. She is his ‘bit of stuff’ and will never be more.

So how does this Box Three relationship happen? Well, in the beginning, there is chemistry and laughter, sexual attraction and flirting. At this stage, she usually contemplates where this could lead while he already knows she belongs in the third box. But at what point does this become clear to her? Answer: quite often, when she has already started walking her way to the first box; quite often, when she is already past the point of no return.

It is a sad situation that new relationships seem to lack communication. We can feel immense attraction to another human being and talk of our pasts, our presents and our dreams for the future. We can kiss and make love, feel excitement and passion, but why can we not talk openly about what we feel, what we are to each other, and what we want to be? By the time this happens, we are usually already actively trusting and caring and this could spell disaster. Why do we not set the rules in the beginning? Why do we allow ourselves to fall into a trap? Why do we not care for our hearts with more dedication?

For the woman walking her way to the first box, it can be a difficult and painful moment when she realises the lid is closed. It involves rejection and humiliation, unanswered questions and self-doubt. Mr Man will walk away as his ‘bit of stuff’ became too complicated – wanted more – while Miss Third Box is left to wonder where she went wrong and how she ever got the wrong end of the stick when, really, she ‘played the game’ flawlessly.

And so I leave the question with you: as we grow and take shape, and decide to step into other peoples’ lives, shouldn’t we first take a moment to decide what we can offer and then share this thought? Because if we rely on signals and the correct interpretation of them, someone, somewhere along the line of three boxes, is going to get hurt – and all because, he spoke a language she was never taught.

I'm not sure I agree with her--I think things are more complicated. I would love to write an article about it..but mine would come up without any answers. I'm not familiar with text sex..but whatever floats your boat. I do like that she says, "he spoke a language she was never taught" which reinforces my theory about 'the casual hook up' and how we weren't given inherent rules about it. But I know plenty of guys who complain about girls leading them on, etc, etc. We're all screwed up. Like I said...people are rarely simple. I guess in the end it's understandable to fall back on the saying..what's meant to be will always find a way.

my new work in progress..."Nice Guys Finish Last"

I didn't ask for this. I thought it was what I wanted, but it is an absolute disaster. Years ago, when I was getting dirt thrown at me during recess, I would cry and wish for my Prince Charming. Now I have three. But it is true, what our parents would warn us about before sleepovers--three is definitely a crowd.

My love life has become this sordid three ring circus, starring the apologetic ex, stable boyfriend, and the can'thavehimbutwanthim crush. You are probably judging me, I don't blame you--some nights I lay awake and judge myself.

Let me explain, my name is Delaney James..wanton love jinx. It started when I was a little girl in pre-school. I was sitting on the swings, whirling myself around on the tip of my toes--when it hit me, well he hit me. Derek..you know the guy that was even cool at age 5? He knocked me off the swing and went off running to help Princess Amber. As I lay there with my chin in the mud, it occurred to me that the damsel in distress will always win the Prince. Have you ever taken the time to look up the word damsel? Well it means a young, unmarried woman. A few months ago, that definition would have incited fear and images of several cats. But now, with more than one Prince in the story, the simple fairy tale I've counted on my entire life is suddenly...well complicated.

It's 11am and I'm still in bed. Tangled up uncomfortably in cold sheets--I can still smell him on my skin. It isn't a cologne per se but something more crisp. Jason smells like mountain scented detergent. I tucked my nose into the t-shirt he left crumpled on the side of the bed and took a deep breath. It occurred to me then that I missed him and his annoying chipper morning attitude. The first night he stayed over I knew it wouldn't work out--he rolled over, morning breath and all, planted a big kiss on me and breathed, "Good morning, beautiful." I wanted to smack him. It was circa 7am, I could smell the sleep escaping his mouth and was instantly resentful that I had to be an object worthy of adoration that early. A year and a half later, I am accepting that this rational man believes my bed-head, mismatched boyish pajamas, leftover makeup, and rank morning breath are adorable, somedays even lovable.

Jason came into my life in an oddly storybook way. I was dragging behind my oversized mutt in the park, when Puddles took off running after a stray football. Before I knew it, I was partaking in a game of chase with a labrador and my least favorite sports object. Sprinting clumsily in my flip flops, dodging small children and waving off disapproving mothers, it occurred to me that I was completely out of my league with this dog. I keeled over with my hands on my knees, eyeing Puddles in defeat. "You win, you're in charge. Just hand over the ball," I crooned, reaching slowly to pick up the leash. I had cornered Puddles against a big Oak tree, beckoning him forward repeating the word "treat" innocently, desperately. The drool oozed around the ball wedged in his teeth, and the low growl implied my tactics were a no go. Suddenly, a whistle and leg pat coming from behind me turned Puddles back into an obedient dog. Typical, as if nothing had happened. Jason smiled up at me smugly, holding Puddles in a playful chokehold as the ball dropped easily to the grass.

    He extended his hand, "Looks like your dog just kicked my ass as wide receiver. I'm Jason Stech." Cute, very cute. His playful hazel eyes took me in, a hot mess. My hair had fallen from the loose ponytail and stuck to my conveniently make-up less face. Embarrassed, I shook it lightly, and attempted to wipe the dazzled look off my face, 

"Marisa...and this thief is Puddles. I can't thank you enough. I definitely have my hands full with this guy," I trailed off and patted the dog.

 His confidence caught me off guard, "Well, you could thank me by going out to dinner with me tomorrow." 

  I agreed to dinner, and coffee later that day. I broke the faux unavailable rule after 2 months of dateless weekends, and the iron will to mend my embittered heart.

Quotes for thought.

"Time is a sort of river of passing events, and strong is its current; no sooner is a thing brought to sight than it is swept by and another takes its place, and this too will be swept away."

"In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins--not through strength but by perseverance."

"How far you go in life depends on you being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and the strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these."

Gym time, to be continued.

Apple Cider Vinegar?

So we all know I go through phases of obsession with random products (Mr. Clean Febreze scented cleaner, Mini Wheats, Oatmeal Squares, Safeway Salsa, Colombian coffee)..this time it's something random and unexpected--APPLE CIDER VINEGAR!


Apple Cider Vinegar actually has severalwebsites--where has this little miracle worker been hiding from me? Even Fergie takes shots of apple cider vinegar for weight loss (fergilicious= ACV? granted..no studies have actually proved this)


So last night I took it upon myself to take a shot of apple cider vinegar, circa 11:30 at night. Expectation being that I was going to puke..but I took it like a champ--envisioning the overall health benefits. Anyways, I thought of it because one of the workout fanatics I know told me about it last year as a way to lose weight and avoid a hangover. I was skeptical, but last night took to my googling addiction and found a great website about all things apple cider vinegar.



Not only does Apple Cider Vinegar help with weight loss

2 teaspoons of ACV in a glass of water at each meal. No change in the daily food intake is required except to avoid high fat containing foods

. it can also be used on blemishes

Apply a solution of apple cider vinegar and water (2 tablespoons to 1 eight ounce glass of water) with a cotton ball several times a day. This will help reduce infection and dry out inflammation.

It can also be used on bruises (i.e for people like my 17 year old brother who still get embarrassing hickey's)

Dissolve 1 teaspoon of salt in ½ cup (125 ml) of warm apple cider vinegar and apply it to the bruise as a compress

Last night, Dupree was sitting on the couch and was complaining about leg cramps from his work out earlier. ACV has a fix for that too amazingly,

Muscle cramps can be caused by a calcium and magnesium imbalance in the body and by a lack of vitamin E. To help prevent the recurrence of cramps, take a regular tonic of apple cider vinegar (2 or 3 teaspoons to 8 ounces of water) along with 1 teaspoon of honey

Another website talked about how it is good to use on your skin, to clear complexion and add a healthy glow.

Skin exfoliate: Exfoliates skin and softens skin, Helps clear acne

A quick way to beautify yourself with apple cider vinegar would be to simply rub your skin with a few drops of apple cider vinegar. That's right, its as simple as that!

First, make sure that your skin is clean and wet, so as to allow the apple cider vinegar to work more effectively, as the top most layer of oils and dirt will be washed off. Next, dab a few drops of apple cider vinegar to your skin and rub in a circular motion, as though massaging the skin for around thirty seconds. This will loosen the dead skin and effectively exfoliate the skin. Lastly, rinse off the apple cider vinegar with clean water, and enjoy your more radiant skin.

1) Apple cider vinegar soak and hair rinse: Aids muscle tone, skin softness and hair shine

Adding a cup of apple cider vinegar to your bath water when you soak can do wonders. The apple cider vinegar allows the skin to soften, while at the same time toning up and firming your muscles. The high potassium levels are also able to sooth any muscle aches that you may have. Allowing your hair to be rinsed in apple cider vinegar moreover, adds an extra little shine to it, and also rids your hair of soap residue.


So I just tried it out, rubbing a few dots of apple cider vinegar on my skin after rinsing it with water..and my skin is SO soft. It was a little red at first (probably because of the exfoliant) but now it's just really smooth and radiant. I also added it to my bathwater and my skin was baby soft. Two thumbs up :)

Britney!!

Firstly, Britney's "For the Record" debuted this week--so impressive and honest. It's interesting that she let camera crews follow her around and told the whole story, most people are not comfortable letting anyone see them vulnerable. It was amazing to see the paparazzi bubbling over to snap pictures of her in the car or shopping, it was also disheartening to see someone living their life in a glass house--no privacy, alone time, or peaceful solitude doing everyday errands. While most of us are dreaming about success and riches, she is dreaming about being alone on an island with her children and

 dream man. I guess the 

grass is always greener on the other side.

Lastly, I wanted to applaud her on her integrity as an artist. When the interviewer inquires whether or not she sees herself as a victim of fame, she takes a moment and responds that she is not a victim--the jest of it was that she does what she loves and victimization is a mindset she doesn't have. She actually gets upset when people talk about being a victim of celebrity--she said she just tries to see the positivity of every situation and gets mad at herself when she has a bad day.

I suppose it's relatively impossible to always have a good day, but I think it's important to slow down and see the silver lining. I wish I could do it. I actually think i'm going to try more to be positive and lighthearted instead of taking everything on all the time. I get it when she talks about art as her medium--it's nice when you can just let it all out (for me..obviously it's writing)  Like Britney, I'm going to go through my life like a karate kid.

PS: You can listen to her new album on her website, britneyspears.com --and per usual, her music is top notch and great to work out too (it makes me feel better if britney can come back better than ever, so can I :) lol ))

I feel loneliest at night.

It's 4:25am on Saturday morning. I cried-- I HATE crying, particularly by myself...if that makes sense. Tears are impossible, it's like they fill up inside you, then they spill over and out your eyes..down your cheeks..and back into your body--just to sting your lips. The more your try and fight them--the more futile it is. Like I said, I hate crying.




When it comes time to go to sleep...when the city becomes quiet...and i'm alone--my thoughts keep me awake. I try and push them back, but in their place is insomnia. Miserable, bittersweet insomnia. Night Owls. Is there something more emotionally plundering to the name? I haven't wanted to write about this...because this is something i'm not proud of, something about me I do not want to own, or maybe something I don't even understand.

A large, still book is a piece of quietness, succulent and nourishing in a noisy world,

The company of my misery is found in several pages, divided into chapters, reawakened at the end of another book. The escape is over, and i'm back where I started...the indistinguishable thoughts that I don't want to face resurface...and then I ponder about watching a romantic comedy for cliche laughs...or starting another paper adventure to lose myself in. It's some sort of vicious cycle that I can't break. I just feel confused, like I'm waiting for..the better version of myself to float up.

Lately, i've immersed myself in Twilight and now i'm onto the follow-up New Moon. I was hoping to be comforted by the epic romance of Edward and Bella..but so far in the second novel i've just been reading about a character's loneliness that mirrors my own, thus..200 pages later i'm still unsettled and disappointed with my misery's company.

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.

Think twice about fast food.

Alright...let me just set this up for you. I was driving passed Jack in the box..and I saw a sign that frightened me..they were serving teriyaki bowls. Hmm. Jack in the box. Teriyaki Bowl. Jack in the box. Teriyaki bowl.

I don't understand where the idea came from or why they would think they could serve Asian cuisine. A more important question..who would order that from Jack in the box?!?!?! Apparently, it was a menu favorite just 5 short years ago and is back by popular demand. SERIOUSLY? People are going to Jack in the Box to get their teriyaki fix? Tragic. Absolutely, positively tragic. It got me thinking about nutrition...and fast food..and how the two words just don't belong in the same sentence.




The latest fast food phenomenon (catastrophe) that sent me over the edge was the fried macaroni and cheese bites. Macaroni is bad enough...but then to deep fry it? You've got be kidding. So who would think of making this abomination a menu choice? Look no further.." Mac 'n' cheese is an American classic that's universally loved," said Teka O'Rourke, director of menu marketing and promotions for Jack in the Box Inc. "Our new Cheesy Macaroni Bites offer the same great flavor of the original dish, but in a unique, finger-food style that's very convenient and portable."

It occurred to me that one of the biggest problems with people is that we measure something by its level of convenience..and not its ultimate value. Macaroni and Cheese is a staple comfort food--follow me with this, we are now getting pseudo comfort; conveniently and quickly on-the-go.





When people are ordering macaroni bites (440 calories in 6 pieces)...I doubt they are on their own. Paired with a soda and another menu choice..or even one packet of ranch...we are looking at almost an entire day's caloric intake in one crappy meal. Just one of the buttermilk house dressing packets has 290 calories and 30g of fat. At what cost?

And really..after re-reading my entry from London..I discovered my tasty big mac treat had 560 calories. Plus french fries at 250 calories = 810. And if you want the whole truth, i'll throw myself under the bus..I had 2 big macs that night...1,370 calories!!!

So i'm not totally above an occasional fast food slip up..obviously...Last thursday I went out, had a couple drinks and then took a trip across the border and indulged in 2 burrito supreme's and a taco. I'm repentant..not only because of the stomach ache that accompanied my fast food treat, but also due to the fact it wasn't as satisfying as I would have hoped. So how much damage did I really do?



1 burrito supreme: 440 calories, 162 fat calories
x 2 =880 calories
+ 1 beef taco: 170 calories,90 from fat

= 1,050 calories.


Here it is, I was looking for convenient satiety. As a result of my fast food aberration, I felt terrible. The food is bad quality and offers no nutritional substance. So from now on, after counting calories, I realize that the convenience is definitely not worth it.

So I got a new car???

Okay, i'll admit--i've always had the fantasy of a brand new car showing up on my driveway Christmas morning, with a big red ribbon.  FANTASY is the operative word.  Anyways, on my return from Tucson, I came home to find a brand new Acura TSX in the driveway..and my fateful companion, the white celica, gone. 

 

I had an inkling that my mom might have something up her sleeve, when we stopped to look at the TSX's about a month ago.  I figured she was looking more for herself and maybe trading in the MDX for a sedan.  

I've always wanted a TSX..in my mind it being the perfect car. My dream car in fact.  4 doors, but still compact.  I was going to get myself an older one and buy it when i got back from Spain.  And somehow..it's going to already be waiting for me.  I want to pinch myself. 

I feel really lucky today, and really really appreciative.  

I want to write a small thank you memoir to my celica.  Please stop reading so you don't think i'm a total loser.

Dear Celica aka Lola,

I would like to thank you for being my fateful companion.  I remember when you showed up at my house my junior year of highschool--I loved you so much that I learned how to drive stick shift in 1 day.  Thank you for tolerating stalling at every red light the next morning on the way to school.  I think I cried from frustration.  Also, thank you for being patient with me when learning how to downshift.   Thank you for forgiving me everytime I pulled forward too much and scraped the front bumper.  Thank you for having the best turn radius ev-er.  Thank you for becoming clean again after you sat under a gross tree for 3 months in Santa Fe when I ditched you and opted to drive the BMW while I could.   Thank you for being a stick shift..so it was practically impossible to drive you under the influence. Also, thank you for being reliable--particularly in the most embarrassing moment of my directionally retarded life while driving from New Mexico to Arizona..and somehow ending up accidentally in Texas.   Thank you for being the best little Celica in the world, and whenever I see a white celica--i'll miss you.  

Sincerely,

Courtney Elizabeth

Gay Marriage

I said in an earlier entry that i was worried that the ban on gay marriage was getting little attention, then I found this 'top 10 reasons why gay marriage is wrong" memo--and I thought it was pretty clever and insightful. Anyways, here it is:

"10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong":

1) Being gay is not natural.

And real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, air conditioning, tattoos, piercings and silicon breasts...

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay.

In the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior.

People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract. Lamps are next.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all.

Hence why women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed.

And we can't let the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children.

So therefore, gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our population isn't out of control, our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children.

Since, of course, straight parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion.

In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home.

Which is exactly why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms.

Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Standing up for myself in a few paragraphs.

Sometimes you have to get to know someone really well to realize you're really strangers.

William Blake wrote, "It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend." Perhaps it's easier to forgive an enemy because you don't have expectations of them..but a friend..those are the ones who set the standard.

I suppose a lot of the sayings are true..particularly that you don't know who your friends are until push comes to shove. It was a tough pill to swallow at first...but I think you've known the truth in that statement all along. I say this because I think you knew that you could never be there for anyone else, so you weren't disappointed in your friends when they weren't there for you..., afterall you surrounded yourself with mirror images of the selfishness you embody. It makes me sad, but more sad for you, that I never realized how artificial you were. When you are unsettled, shaky, and discontent it filters into the other aspects of your life, and if it goes unchecked I guess it ultimately poisons your relationships with other people.

What I see now, is not a problem within myself--but a problem within you. The great difference between you and I, is that all the time my world was falling apart--I never expected everyone else's world to stop and fall apart too.

You spend so much time belittling the superficiality of those around you--but you are the most superficial of them all. I wish you luck, judging everyone from atop the walls you built around yourself. When the day comes, where you do something to genuinely help a friend without complaining or thinking about how it inconveniences you..I will applaud you. When you can call a friend to sincerely hear how they are doing..then you might start to become the person I always hoped you were..hoped you could be.

I find solace in the Golden Girls.

When people tell you they're worried about you...what are you supposed to do with it? It's an interesting spot, to be trying to please everyone and then realize that you haven't effectually been putting up the guise you'd hoped. I guess it's understandable..one could get feeble when they've been trying to juggle their own life and problems, your expectations and problems, all the while maintaining a beaming smile while keeping up the tremendous effort.

So...it seems to be either let them see you struggle, or fake harder. Can I just catch a break? I woke up at 1:30 today, and in addition to the ramifications of Mono I think I have insomnia--I told Aus last night, "I think i'm going to go downstairs and watch TV." he asked why, I said "I find solace in the Golden Girls.

The Election :)

So the media reiterated that today...tonight...would be a historic election. People would recount tales of where they were when they heard the news that Barack Obama was elected President. That this election was a turning point for our nation, that a black man would be President. What makes me sad is...when did Barack Obama become more known as a figurehead for a minority movement...and not a figurehead for our country...as an established, noteworthy candidate?

I'll give it to them, I'm sure i'll remember sitting on the couch--looking from my right to my left, hearing comments that the media was only showing black people celebrating in the crowd....black people speaking about Obama. It makes me sad, because I wish people would ignore race as a reason for voting. For or Against. I just feel that in order for race to no longer be an issue..people need to somehow become colorblind. Maybe that's too hopeful or naive or something.

Also, i'm very concerned about the lack of attention the ban on gay marriage is receiving, and also abortion rights. Bush is adamant that there should be a ban on gay marriage...but personally--I don't understand why marriage is not representative of a union between two people who want to be together forever. There are significant legal rights involved with marriage, and if two people want to spend their lives together....shouldn't they be provided the same tax cuts, etc, that other people establishing a life together receive?

I feel bad, i'm sure Sarah Palin is a great woman--but I can't help but think she kind of took McCain down. Most people were afraid of her becoming vice-president. Here are some of her embarrassing moments..(kind of reminds me of George Bush..."Watch this swing!")



Ultimately..all things Palin considered..I think Bush ruined the chance of the Republican party to succeed in this election. Because of his unpopular/groundless decisions, and bad light in the media; many ignorant people assumed that everything Bush is everything Republican. I'm also worried, like many of my friends, that in a year from now--people will still be discontented with the lackluster change in the economy. Pretty words and promises are nothing without follow through...and i really really really hope Obama incites the change he promised--or better yet, that people will be realistic about how quickly pragmatic changes can be put into place.

I'm onto you.

Riddle me this--

If I wanted to buy the movie, I would of bought it. I rented the movie because I wanted to watch it once. I don't want to OWN your movie. Stop charging me.

You lie when you say you called, because you've called me before. I'll be honest, i'm not proud of it but I rented a Hillary Duff film one lonely summer in New Mexico before I had met anybody--and the Blockbuster charged me 90.00 for the movie because I went rogue and didn't return the movie (I truly believed in No Late Fees..Naive...very Naive). They told me the "no late fees" rule does not apply in Santa Fe because there is only one blockbuster...i'm still angry about that because honestly..no one missed this little film. So that was LIE number one..it doesn't apply at all locations.



What happened to the "NO LATE FEES" --are you a liar? are you lying to people?




So anyways i'm thinking of getting retribution, driving to the blockbuster and just chucking DVD's all over the store and then running out into the night. I know it sounds extreme, but desperate times call for desperate measures--their non-existent phone call warning left me with an overdraft fee on my account...to which their nonchalance only added more fury.



The whole event sent my mono-crazed ass into a tailspin, I sat on the floor by my laptop with my hands shaking..ANOTHER CHARGE?!?!?!?! Blockbuster is smiting me--as if they are on some mission to get me. Now I can't even rent without paranoia. So I quickly grabbed all the DVDs, including my brother's rentals, and sped off down to the scene of the crime. My no make-up, loon looking self extended various blockbuster cards in my possession (like some kind of junkie) and they told me it was a grey's anatomy video.

The whole ridiculousness of the situation was only heightened when I realized the guy behind the front desk recognized me from the last time i was in the store, twice in one day, the first time wearing a backpack with bella..and the second time trying to explain i'd purchased the wrong episodes of Grey's. Either time, i'm sure I looked like a freak. Anyway, back to the story--- I reminded him they are supposed to CALL me before it happens. We went over the number, and it said it is an automated service. And believe me, I know your robot freak is calling me--they never stop--they call you like 10x until you're so goddamn annoyed that you return the video before you even watched it. I know i'm not a perfect renter, but you don't need to randomly charge me, just give me notice. I ended up partially misplacing my rage on the bank, envision me threatening wells fargo that i would remove all my funds from the bank and go to chase..(i even went in and met with someone at Chase..i was definitely not in any condition to be making decisions) so I said i would come back, Saturday. I'm embarrassed--but i'm more pissed at blockbuster. I'm going to look into alternative means of renting. so i can actually rent it and not buy it.

the end.

I went to .."The Bible"

So I was curious about "The Rules" and I went to the source to see how similar they were to the ones i could think of off the top of my head--

1. Never let him know you like him.
"The more guys have to wonder how you feel, the more interested they get. So don't show much emotion toward them." —Kelly, 17, Oakland, CA
when to use it: If you're interested in someone you just met , flirt with him for sure, but don't reveal your monster crush just yet. It's good to take it slow and be a little mysterious. After all, you're never into the guys who like you too much too soon either!
when to break it: If you can tell he's definitely into you, then let him know you're into him too. If you pretend to be uninterested for too long, he'll only be confused about why you're holding back, and then he'll hold way back!

2.Don't listen to your friends' opinions.
"If you really like a guy, it shouldn't matter what everyone else thinks. You're the one dating him, not them!" —Kalehua, 17, Kamuela, HI
when to use it: If the guy you like is a little dorky or too jock-y for your friends but he's sweet to you, then don't pay attention if your friends aren't into him. In fact, if they rag on you, they could just be jealous that you found such a great guy.
when to break it: If more than one friend claims he's not worthy of you, and they've got legit reasons to back up their opinion (like he doesn't treat you well or they know he's cheating), then stop and hear them out. They just may be right.

3. You can hook up whenever you feel like it.

"In the world we live in, people don't use labels like ‘dating' as much. If you want to hook up, what's the big deal?" —Ally, 16, Englewood, FL
when to use it: If he's cute and you feel like kissing him, it's all good. As long as you're not looking to start a relationship, you're sure he's not either, and neither of you is "taken," then go for it. You don't need to be in love to make out.
when to break it: If casually hooking up with the same guy over and over or hooking up with a lot of different guys becomes a regular thing, take a break from making out. You've got to protect your heart and your rep.

4. Never text, call, e-mail, or IM him first.
"Even if you hit it off, let him be the one to text or MySpace you first. That way, you know he's into you." —Cari, 22, East Brunswick, NJ
when to use it: This rule sounds old-fashioned, but most of the time, it just works. It's basic guy nature to want to feel like he worked hard to get you. They like to call first, so let them. If he doesn't make that effort, then you know he's not worth yours!
when to break it: If you know the guy's painfully shy, you may need to gently reach out to him first (or risk waiting forever!). Flirt in person until he hints he's into you. Then text him something casual to open the door to being more than friends.

bottom line:
Rules are guides to help you in the dating game—but don't over-strategize. Most of the time, playing is actually even more fun than winning

**Personally, the last comment by the author is, well..deranged. Are you seriously trying to tell girls that chasing guys is more fun than actually being involved in a healthy relationship? Let's all just go hook up whenever we want, contract all sorts of STDs..but dont worry--you're the one in control so it doesn't matter. Get it together. We're going to have a whole bunch of teenage sluts on our hands if they follow your advice,

Rules of the Game

So from the moment you notice the opposite sex, an inherent rulebook is issued. An implied "Guide to Relationships."


I can think of a few,

1. Never let them know you like them unless you're SURE it's mutual.
2. Be noticed without appearing to try.
3. Physical contact is always a good hint.
4. Boys say I love you first.
5. Don't be easily available
6. Don't date a friends' ex
7. First Date is always awkward


Then there are the hard lessons you learn throughout adolescence: sometimes your crush likes your bestfriend, breaking up isn't always discussed.., sometimes they like you TOO much (i.e, clingy) and sometimes, in the worst case scenario--they don't even know who you are.

I'll be honest, majority of my college experience was spent in a long-term relationship, but I still had time to get my feet wet while looking for other fish in the sea. What I learned about dating is that it involves alot of games and more rules than we had when were throwing sand at eachother on the playground. I feel confident when I say that dating is rough.

So back to it, Girls spend alot of time conversing about what a singular action could mean. What does it mean if he hasn't called? What does it mean if he doesn't want to go on a date? And then this little book "He's just not that into you" came out and changed my existence as I knew it. Finally someone was admitting what I had thought all along..maybe he's just not that into you. And i'm learning more, as an avid listener and happy observer...that these days, a girl should focus on what a guy isn't saying.

Let me elaborate, one of my friends--let's call her S was friends with a guy and one weekend, tossing a little alcohol in the mix--they ended up sleeping together....and then again. Their mutual friends are curious about the situation, she's pretty go with the flow, and he's keeping his opinions underwraps. I think her situation is pretty common, and understandably awkward. We all joke with eachother about how nice it'd be if we could be psychic. I mean it isn't a big deal either way--whether it's a hook up or if he's interested...we're just dying to know. She was kind of balancing on the fence..trying to decide if he liked her as more or if he wasn't interested..What I told her was that I thought it was very interesting that he didn't say anything to his friends about being interested or any descriptives about his feelings towards her. She eventually just lost interest in the situation because she was getting so many mixed signals.

But here's a little theory i'm working on..the reason we're just dying to know and the reason we don't know is that--we've never been given a rulebook on superficial intimacy. Can you really be hooking up with a girl that you're also friends with without being interested? These are questions i'll probably never know..and maybe instead of searching for answers we should be looking for a better match.

It kills me, and i think it kills alot of girls. When it comes to the art of the hookup..is it ever anything more?

Top love memoirs from my old diary

Even the guy who comes across as freaking jesus himself is a liar. I dont understand why people predicate relationships on games....what happened to brutal honesty?

why do we want the people we can't have and don't want the people who want to have us?

Just look at Cosmopolitan, It's an endless cycle of hurt and deceit...when will the rest of the world be as exhausted as I am...I don't know, i know that boy troubles are really infinitely miniscule in the grand scheme of things. But people are meant for companionship, so when kenny tells me to just take some time off and do my own thing I can't help but feel the loneliness when I turn off my light at night and feel the emptiness of the left side of my bed. It's a strange feeling, not wanting to settle but wanting to settle for anything more than this. Alright honestly, I like being single and I think that i've learned alot about dating and men in the past few months. I've learned that even if someone is great for you on paper you can't force the feelings and sometimes the worst people on paper end up being the ones who you become passionate about. Love is non-sensical, I dont know why I always try and make sense of it. I just end up right where I started.

So in general, at this point on relationships: I don't want to fall asleep at night missing someone. I had such an emotional day, thinking about my dad and everything. I really wanted to go to bed enveloped in someone's arms. Maybe it's the kid in me, I just want to be comforted. I've gotten really good at keeping everyone away from me when i'm like this, hiding out in my room and acting as if everything is perfect. Allison and I call that..Susie. She's better at it than I am, being fake. Not in the typical girl way..but in a way that it seems as if nothing is rumbling beneath your surface. I watched two romantic comedies..27 dresses and What Happens in Vegas; i'm ready for my happy ending. And that's exactly why i'll never get it. Because I want it, you never get what you want. It's fate's cruel sense of humor.

There's a moment, and you want so much to capture it--like a firefly in a jar--a snapshot in the long series of moments that encompass your life. A moment that you know is so monumental and altering in your foundation that you can't help but be outside yourself and so in tune with the white noise inside you at the same time. In that snapshot and address of your core emotions--it all slips away. All the stupid fights, the immature jealousy, the misunderstandings and the miscommunications--the vulnerability of allowing yourself to fall in love, gone. And instead there is this overwhelming sense of serenity and closeness--an intimacy previously untapped. When just one look into the other persons eyes and you know, with everything you've got, that this is your soul mate. You're desperate to stay locked in that moment, feeling like you could do anything and that time is on your side. Whoever said that whole thing about absence making the heart grown fonder had their thumb on something profound. I don't think that being apart is fabulous on relationships but i think it makes you work through the things that weren't working before in order to have solidarity and stability in all aspects, the kind of stability and comfort that makes your smile to yourself when you're driving or an image before you close your eyes at night. Nothing is as sweet without your buddy and nothing as funny when you can't share it or explicate the story over the phone with the same animation you would if they were there. It's terrible to be apart, you want to be together and wake up in the morning knowing you get to share a kiss or even just have your hand held the way you like it. It's not that you are afraid of being alone, but the keen awareness that you get that extra delight in going somewhere or even just grocery shopping is more fun bc you have your favorite person in tow. You take equal joy in their success as you do in your own and aren't held back by jealousy or separate ambitions. In retrospect, although you want to forget the fights that almost broke you and the wounds it's painful to mend--they brought you where you are. It's taken me along time to leave the past in the past, it's a work in progress for life in general-- Perhaps it's better to take a timeout with yourself and fully understand what it is that set you off; and if it's true love, you'll realize that being angry and rightfully pissed is miserable b/c more than anything you want them to grab your hand and not let go, even if you tell them to. It's hard, you're so torn up inside about them making a mistake or saying the wrong thing when all you really want is to FEEL how loved you are--and when you do, it's..tentatively i say this, worth all the tears and boasts of forgetting the entire relationship and moving on. It may be danielle steele writing, but either way i had a moment

I swear i'm going to write.

The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous feeling of the words being there, written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible. ~Vladimir Nabako


The story I am writing exists, written in absolutely perfect fashion, some place, in the air. All I must do is find it, and copy it. ~Jules Renard, "Diary," February 1895

A writer and nothing else: a man alone in a room with the English language, trying to get human feelings right.

The only cure for writer's block is insomnia. ~Merit Antares

Home but not home free.

- If all difficulties were known at the outset of a long journey, most of us would never start out at all. -

I want to breathe a sigh of relief.  I don't even remember my journey home.  At one point, on my flight home from Madrid--I thought the plane was crashing....because I didn't remember taking off.  I was scared that I would oversleep and miss a connecting flight.  I've never been more helpless in my entire life.  This is the one time, I wish my Mom would stop giving me tough love.  She expected me to fly from Sevilla into Portugal and then figure it out with US Airways from there.  I almost started laughing..but instead I started crying.  Totally, utterly--lost.  I sat in the Seville airport..just hoping that somehow I could just magically be home, curled up in my bed. 

I'm so frail, 15 lbs lighter and ghostly pale.  Now I know why everyone called me the sick kid and wanted to know if it was contagious.  On the flipside, I had girls asking me to spit in their water so their clothes would fall off them too..pahaha.  I know deep down this was the only choice..there is no way I could be setting up an apartment and bustling around to get my life in order.  I barely remember yesterday.  The lesson to be learned from this-is always listen to your body.  I was so concerned about being too scared to make this big trip..and it ended up making everything worse for me.  I know that my friends who love me will support me in coming home, and I'm happy I listened instead of being stubborn.  

P.S:  A--you've been a guardian angel, a voice of reason, and a shoulder to lean on (literally at the airport lol) te amo. 

"The thing about plans is they don't take into account the unexpected, so when we're thrown a curve ball, we have to improvise. Of course, some of us are better at it than others. Some of us just have to move on to plan B, and make the best of it. And sometimes what we want is exactly what we need. But sometimes, sometimes what we need is a new plan."

We all remember the bed time stories of our childhood. The shoe fit Cinderella, the frog was turned into a prince, sleeping beauty was awakened with a kiss. Once upon a time and then they lived happily ever after. Fairy tales. The stuff of dreams. the problem is, fairy tales don't come true. It's the other stories. The ones that start in dark and stormy nights and end in the unspeakable. The nightmares always seem to become the reality

Happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them.

Never lose your childish innocence. It's the most important thing.

I was leaving the cafe this morning and saw these two adorable children playing. They were so carefree and happy. I envied them. You can never be sad watching little kids.

“Know you what it is to be a child? It is to be something very different from the man of to-day. It is to believe in love, to believe in loveliness, to believe in belief; it is to be so little that the elves can reach to whisper in your ear; it is to turn pumpkins into coaches, and mice into horses, lowness into loftiness, and nothing into everything, for each child has its fairy godmother in its own soul.”

I'm going to complain...just for a minute

We like to think we're fearless, eager to explore unknown lands and soak up new experiences, but the fact is, we're always terrified. Maybe the terror is part of the attraction. Some people go to horror movies. We cut things open. Dive into dark water. And at the end of the day, isn't that what you'd rather to hear about? If you've got one drink and one friend and 45 minutes. Slow rides make for boring stories. A little calamity. Now that's worth talking about.

It's surreal--i feel like i'm living in a parallel universe. I'm finally here, and seeing these amazing sights--yet i feel like i'm trudging through mud. I'm nervous to get my blood work back on Friday--i don't want to be sick. i hope my sinus infection is just acting up or something. I feel half-human. The best part, as if i didn't feel unattractive already being sick and tired...I have a really sexy rash all over my legs, arms and torso.

I hate feeling like i have no idea what's going on around me. Nobody speaks english (which isn't a huge deal) but it makes buying a cell phone etc, really stressful. I want to get to my town asap so i can just rest and recooperate. I feel like i'm trying to keep up with everyone here and fight my body as best as i can, but i'm just deteriorating.


..it's just aggravating to have spent my entire last week in the doctors office to get pseudo clearance and then here I am in Spain, sicker than ever with no one to help me out. Showering exhausts me, eating is a huge effort and afterthought and i'm wishing i could temporarily rent a new body to get around.

I would love to go running through the parks across the street from the hotel, I even tried to make myself believe i'll be able to go tomorrow by recruiting a couple of the girls..but i think i know that if i'm this run down it won't happen. But anyways, i guess if all fails in my life i can always fall back on being a personal trainer..because all i want to do is go running right now :/