I'm onto you.

Riddle me this--

If I wanted to buy the movie, I would of bought it. I rented the movie because I wanted to watch it once. I don't want to OWN your movie. Stop charging me.

You lie when you say you called, because you've called me before. I'll be honest, i'm not proud of it but I rented a Hillary Duff film one lonely summer in New Mexico before I had met anybody--and the Blockbuster charged me 90.00 for the movie because I went rogue and didn't return the movie (I truly believed in No Late Fees..Naive...very Naive). They told me the "no late fees" rule does not apply in Santa Fe because there is only one blockbuster...i'm still angry about that because honestly..no one missed this little film. So that was LIE number one..it doesn't apply at all locations.



What happened to the "NO LATE FEES" --are you a liar? are you lying to people?




So anyways i'm thinking of getting retribution, driving to the blockbuster and just chucking DVD's all over the store and then running out into the night. I know it sounds extreme, but desperate times call for desperate measures--their non-existent phone call warning left me with an overdraft fee on my account...to which their nonchalance only added more fury.



The whole event sent my mono-crazed ass into a tailspin, I sat on the floor by my laptop with my hands shaking..ANOTHER CHARGE?!?!?!?! Blockbuster is smiting me--as if they are on some mission to get me. Now I can't even rent without paranoia. So I quickly grabbed all the DVDs, including my brother's rentals, and sped off down to the scene of the crime. My no make-up, loon looking self extended various blockbuster cards in my possession (like some kind of junkie) and they told me it was a grey's anatomy video.

The whole ridiculousness of the situation was only heightened when I realized the guy behind the front desk recognized me from the last time i was in the store, twice in one day, the first time wearing a backpack with bella..and the second time trying to explain i'd purchased the wrong episodes of Grey's. Either time, i'm sure I looked like a freak. Anyway, back to the story--- I reminded him they are supposed to CALL me before it happens. We went over the number, and it said it is an automated service. And believe me, I know your robot freak is calling me--they never stop--they call you like 10x until you're so goddamn annoyed that you return the video before you even watched it. I know i'm not a perfect renter, but you don't need to randomly charge me, just give me notice. I ended up partially misplacing my rage on the bank, envision me threatening wells fargo that i would remove all my funds from the bank and go to chase..(i even went in and met with someone at Chase..i was definitely not in any condition to be making decisions) so I said i would come back, Saturday. I'm embarrassed--but i'm more pissed at blockbuster. I'm going to look into alternative means of renting. so i can actually rent it and not buy it.

the end.

I went to .."The Bible"

So I was curious about "The Rules" and I went to the source to see how similar they were to the ones i could think of off the top of my head--

1. Never let him know you like him.
"The more guys have to wonder how you feel, the more interested they get. So don't show much emotion toward them." —Kelly, 17, Oakland, CA
when to use it: If you're interested in someone you just met , flirt with him for sure, but don't reveal your monster crush just yet. It's good to take it slow and be a little mysterious. After all, you're never into the guys who like you too much too soon either!
when to break it: If you can tell he's definitely into you, then let him know you're into him too. If you pretend to be uninterested for too long, he'll only be confused about why you're holding back, and then he'll hold way back!

2.Don't listen to your friends' opinions.
"If you really like a guy, it shouldn't matter what everyone else thinks. You're the one dating him, not them!" —Kalehua, 17, Kamuela, HI
when to use it: If the guy you like is a little dorky or too jock-y for your friends but he's sweet to you, then don't pay attention if your friends aren't into him. In fact, if they rag on you, they could just be jealous that you found such a great guy.
when to break it: If more than one friend claims he's not worthy of you, and they've got legit reasons to back up their opinion (like he doesn't treat you well or they know he's cheating), then stop and hear them out. They just may be right.

3. You can hook up whenever you feel like it.

"In the world we live in, people don't use labels like ‘dating' as much. If you want to hook up, what's the big deal?" —Ally, 16, Englewood, FL
when to use it: If he's cute and you feel like kissing him, it's all good. As long as you're not looking to start a relationship, you're sure he's not either, and neither of you is "taken," then go for it. You don't need to be in love to make out.
when to break it: If casually hooking up with the same guy over and over or hooking up with a lot of different guys becomes a regular thing, take a break from making out. You've got to protect your heart and your rep.

4. Never text, call, e-mail, or IM him first.
"Even if you hit it off, let him be the one to text or MySpace you first. That way, you know he's into you." —Cari, 22, East Brunswick, NJ
when to use it: This rule sounds old-fashioned, but most of the time, it just works. It's basic guy nature to want to feel like he worked hard to get you. They like to call first, so let them. If he doesn't make that effort, then you know he's not worth yours!
when to break it: If you know the guy's painfully shy, you may need to gently reach out to him first (or risk waiting forever!). Flirt in person until he hints he's into you. Then text him something casual to open the door to being more than friends.

bottom line:
Rules are guides to help you in the dating game—but don't over-strategize. Most of the time, playing is actually even more fun than winning

**Personally, the last comment by the author is, well..deranged. Are you seriously trying to tell girls that chasing guys is more fun than actually being involved in a healthy relationship? Let's all just go hook up whenever we want, contract all sorts of STDs..but dont worry--you're the one in control so it doesn't matter. Get it together. We're going to have a whole bunch of teenage sluts on our hands if they follow your advice,

Rules of the Game

So from the moment you notice the opposite sex, an inherent rulebook is issued. An implied "Guide to Relationships."


I can think of a few,

1. Never let them know you like them unless you're SURE it's mutual.
2. Be noticed without appearing to try.
3. Physical contact is always a good hint.
4. Boys say I love you first.
5. Don't be easily available
6. Don't date a friends' ex
7. First Date is always awkward


Then there are the hard lessons you learn throughout adolescence: sometimes your crush likes your bestfriend, breaking up isn't always discussed.., sometimes they like you TOO much (i.e, clingy) and sometimes, in the worst case scenario--they don't even know who you are.

I'll be honest, majority of my college experience was spent in a long-term relationship, but I still had time to get my feet wet while looking for other fish in the sea. What I learned about dating is that it involves alot of games and more rules than we had when were throwing sand at eachother on the playground. I feel confident when I say that dating is rough.

So back to it, Girls spend alot of time conversing about what a singular action could mean. What does it mean if he hasn't called? What does it mean if he doesn't want to go on a date? And then this little book "He's just not that into you" came out and changed my existence as I knew it. Finally someone was admitting what I had thought all along..maybe he's just not that into you. And i'm learning more, as an avid listener and happy observer...that these days, a girl should focus on what a guy isn't saying.

Let me elaborate, one of my friends--let's call her S was friends with a guy and one weekend, tossing a little alcohol in the mix--they ended up sleeping together....and then again. Their mutual friends are curious about the situation, she's pretty go with the flow, and he's keeping his opinions underwraps. I think her situation is pretty common, and understandably awkward. We all joke with eachother about how nice it'd be if we could be psychic. I mean it isn't a big deal either way--whether it's a hook up or if he's interested...we're just dying to know. She was kind of balancing on the fence..trying to decide if he liked her as more or if he wasn't interested..What I told her was that I thought it was very interesting that he didn't say anything to his friends about being interested or any descriptives about his feelings towards her. She eventually just lost interest in the situation because she was getting so many mixed signals.

But here's a little theory i'm working on..the reason we're just dying to know and the reason we don't know is that--we've never been given a rulebook on superficial intimacy. Can you really be hooking up with a girl that you're also friends with without being interested? These are questions i'll probably never know..and maybe instead of searching for answers we should be looking for a better match.

It kills me, and i think it kills alot of girls. When it comes to the art of the hookup..is it ever anything more?

Top love memoirs from my old diary

Even the guy who comes across as freaking jesus himself is a liar. I dont understand why people predicate relationships on games....what happened to brutal honesty?

why do we want the people we can't have and don't want the people who want to have us?

Just look at Cosmopolitan, It's an endless cycle of hurt and deceit...when will the rest of the world be as exhausted as I am...I don't know, i know that boy troubles are really infinitely miniscule in the grand scheme of things. But people are meant for companionship, so when kenny tells me to just take some time off and do my own thing I can't help but feel the loneliness when I turn off my light at night and feel the emptiness of the left side of my bed. It's a strange feeling, not wanting to settle but wanting to settle for anything more than this. Alright honestly, I like being single and I think that i've learned alot about dating and men in the past few months. I've learned that even if someone is great for you on paper you can't force the feelings and sometimes the worst people on paper end up being the ones who you become passionate about. Love is non-sensical, I dont know why I always try and make sense of it. I just end up right where I started.

So in general, at this point on relationships: I don't want to fall asleep at night missing someone. I had such an emotional day, thinking about my dad and everything. I really wanted to go to bed enveloped in someone's arms. Maybe it's the kid in me, I just want to be comforted. I've gotten really good at keeping everyone away from me when i'm like this, hiding out in my room and acting as if everything is perfect. Allison and I call that..Susie. She's better at it than I am, being fake. Not in the typical girl way..but in a way that it seems as if nothing is rumbling beneath your surface. I watched two romantic comedies..27 dresses and What Happens in Vegas; i'm ready for my happy ending. And that's exactly why i'll never get it. Because I want it, you never get what you want. It's fate's cruel sense of humor.

There's a moment, and you want so much to capture it--like a firefly in a jar--a snapshot in the long series of moments that encompass your life. A moment that you know is so monumental and altering in your foundation that you can't help but be outside yourself and so in tune with the white noise inside you at the same time. In that snapshot and address of your core emotions--it all slips away. All the stupid fights, the immature jealousy, the misunderstandings and the miscommunications--the vulnerability of allowing yourself to fall in love, gone. And instead there is this overwhelming sense of serenity and closeness--an intimacy previously untapped. When just one look into the other persons eyes and you know, with everything you've got, that this is your soul mate. You're desperate to stay locked in that moment, feeling like you could do anything and that time is on your side. Whoever said that whole thing about absence making the heart grown fonder had their thumb on something profound. I don't think that being apart is fabulous on relationships but i think it makes you work through the things that weren't working before in order to have solidarity and stability in all aspects, the kind of stability and comfort that makes your smile to yourself when you're driving or an image before you close your eyes at night. Nothing is as sweet without your buddy and nothing as funny when you can't share it or explicate the story over the phone with the same animation you would if they were there. It's terrible to be apart, you want to be together and wake up in the morning knowing you get to share a kiss or even just have your hand held the way you like it. It's not that you are afraid of being alone, but the keen awareness that you get that extra delight in going somewhere or even just grocery shopping is more fun bc you have your favorite person in tow. You take equal joy in their success as you do in your own and aren't held back by jealousy or separate ambitions. In retrospect, although you want to forget the fights that almost broke you and the wounds it's painful to mend--they brought you where you are. It's taken me along time to leave the past in the past, it's a work in progress for life in general-- Perhaps it's better to take a timeout with yourself and fully understand what it is that set you off; and if it's true love, you'll realize that being angry and rightfully pissed is miserable b/c more than anything you want them to grab your hand and not let go, even if you tell them to. It's hard, you're so torn up inside about them making a mistake or saying the wrong thing when all you really want is to FEEL how loved you are--and when you do, it's..tentatively i say this, worth all the tears and boasts of forgetting the entire relationship and moving on. It may be danielle steele writing, but either way i had a moment

I swear i'm going to write.

The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous feeling of the words being there, written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible. ~Vladimir Nabako


The story I am writing exists, written in absolutely perfect fashion, some place, in the air. All I must do is find it, and copy it. ~Jules Renard, "Diary," February 1895

A writer and nothing else: a man alone in a room with the English language, trying to get human feelings right.

The only cure for writer's block is insomnia. ~Merit Antares

Home but not home free.

- If all difficulties were known at the outset of a long journey, most of us would never start out at all. -

I want to breathe a sigh of relief.  I don't even remember my journey home.  At one point, on my flight home from Madrid--I thought the plane was crashing....because I didn't remember taking off.  I was scared that I would oversleep and miss a connecting flight.  I've never been more helpless in my entire life.  This is the one time, I wish my Mom would stop giving me tough love.  She expected me to fly from Sevilla into Portugal and then figure it out with US Airways from there.  I almost started laughing..but instead I started crying.  Totally, utterly--lost.  I sat in the Seville airport..just hoping that somehow I could just magically be home, curled up in my bed. 

I'm so frail, 15 lbs lighter and ghostly pale.  Now I know why everyone called me the sick kid and wanted to know if it was contagious.  On the flipside, I had girls asking me to spit in their water so their clothes would fall off them too..pahaha.  I know deep down this was the only choice..there is no way I could be setting up an apartment and bustling around to get my life in order.  I barely remember yesterday.  The lesson to be learned from this-is always listen to your body.  I was so concerned about being too scared to make this big trip..and it ended up making everything worse for me.  I know that my friends who love me will support me in coming home, and I'm happy I listened instead of being stubborn.  

P.S:  A--you've been a guardian angel, a voice of reason, and a shoulder to lean on (literally at the airport lol) te amo. 

"The thing about plans is they don't take into account the unexpected, so when we're thrown a curve ball, we have to improvise. Of course, some of us are better at it than others. Some of us just have to move on to plan B, and make the best of it. And sometimes what we want is exactly what we need. But sometimes, sometimes what we need is a new plan."

We all remember the bed time stories of our childhood. The shoe fit Cinderella, the frog was turned into a prince, sleeping beauty was awakened with a kiss. Once upon a time and then they lived happily ever after. Fairy tales. The stuff of dreams. the problem is, fairy tales don't come true. It's the other stories. The ones that start in dark and stormy nights and end in the unspeakable. The nightmares always seem to become the reality

Happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them.

Never lose your childish innocence. It's the most important thing.

I was leaving the cafe this morning and saw these two adorable children playing. They were so carefree and happy. I envied them. You can never be sad watching little kids.

“Know you what it is to be a child? It is to be something very different from the man of to-day. It is to believe in love, to believe in loveliness, to believe in belief; it is to be so little that the elves can reach to whisper in your ear; it is to turn pumpkins into coaches, and mice into horses, lowness into loftiness, and nothing into everything, for each child has its fairy godmother in its own soul.”

I'm going to complain...just for a minute

We like to think we're fearless, eager to explore unknown lands and soak up new experiences, but the fact is, we're always terrified. Maybe the terror is part of the attraction. Some people go to horror movies. We cut things open. Dive into dark water. And at the end of the day, isn't that what you'd rather to hear about? If you've got one drink and one friend and 45 minutes. Slow rides make for boring stories. A little calamity. Now that's worth talking about.

It's surreal--i feel like i'm living in a parallel universe. I'm finally here, and seeing these amazing sights--yet i feel like i'm trudging through mud. I'm nervous to get my blood work back on Friday--i don't want to be sick. i hope my sinus infection is just acting up or something. I feel half-human. The best part, as if i didn't feel unattractive already being sick and tired...I have a really sexy rash all over my legs, arms and torso.

I hate feeling like i have no idea what's going on around me. Nobody speaks english (which isn't a huge deal) but it makes buying a cell phone etc, really stressful. I want to get to my town asap so i can just rest and recooperate. I feel like i'm trying to keep up with everyone here and fight my body as best as i can, but i'm just deteriorating.


..it's just aggravating to have spent my entire last week in the doctors office to get pseudo clearance and then here I am in Spain, sicker than ever with no one to help me out. Showering exhausts me, eating is a huge effort and afterthought and i'm wishing i could temporarily rent a new body to get around.

I would love to go running through the parks across the street from the hotel, I even tried to make myself believe i'll be able to go tomorrow by recruiting a couple of the girls..but i think i know that if i'm this run down it won't happen. But anyways, i guess if all fails in my life i can always fall back on being a personal trainer..because all i want to do is go running right now :/

Remember when I said i've never been sicker?

WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY

As nervous as I was to be in Spain, I was so excited to walk around the city and see all the beauty that is Sevilla. It is more beautiful than I could have ever imagined, i feel like i'm in a fairytale land


These are some pictures from our walk to the Plaza de Espana and the Plaza itself..it is gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous.



My favorite place so far of all is The Cathedral, it is so gorgeous at night time, it is something I will never forget. I found it by accident, walking to dinner with a couple of the girls to Las Coloniales for tapas (we had roquefort and blackberries, fried potatoes in a cholula sauce, bacon/cheese wrapped up in chicken in almond sauce, and eggplant ..yuck

Currently i'm up in my room at the hotel hesperia--so fatigued and debilitated.

The room is nice, this is a picture of it..it's funny that the bed is actually 2 beds, but they have them right up next to eachother, it's okay because Claire and I do not move in our sleep. Spaniards think Americans waste too much space.

My program director took me to the doctor today after I opted to not follow through with the emergency room because it cost 150 euros upfront. With all the expenses with moving to a new city i just didn't feel comfortable paying emergency fees unless I was on my death bed.

The doctor was great, however the asshole Neurologist i met with on wednesday was completely wrong--my Doctor did not speak any english. Luckily Nancy is from Spain so she speaks perfect english and spanish and could explain the things I did not know how to say. It's funny how the commotion of moving here kept me from feeling how weak I was--everyone brushed me off as stressed, etc. I hate that about people. I just get exhausted moving around, I hope i just have a bad virus versus mono. I don't know what i'm going to do, it's okay being here for now..shitty being in my hotel room but i'm looking at the sunshine outside and trees. I just want to get better soon, this would be very difficult if i was in Villanueva de Cordoba by myself, not having someone to help me communicate and get the medicine I need. I have to go to the Pharmacy across the street to pick up the medicine for my body aches, medicine is very different here, the pharmacy gives you advil, etc...like you don't pick it out for yourself as we do in the states they do it for you here. Anyways, i'm just listening to Dave Matthews "crash"...makes me so relaxed. I added it to my playlist, so you can listen to it too :)

Oh, on a different note..the food here is drastically different. In the morning, you just have a piece of toast for breakfast with cafe con leche. The coffee is so delicious, Amy you would die and go to heaven. I also thought of something..you know how you always eat sourdough bread for breakfast? I think it is a European thing..because that's all they give me..with lots of butter and jam. Interesting. Anyways, i thought of you.

Yesterday I tried to get lunch between 2-5 which is when things shut down (and i mean everywhere closes..it sucks when you are hungry) but i found a bar that was serving tapas and attempted to be bold, starvation got the best of me. I tried the Chorizo for protein..but it's more like salami than the Chorizo i love in Mexico. I also had espinaca y garbanzo..which is just spinach in olive oil..hmm no comment..and then i had some french bread with a piece of parmesan ontop of it. All 3 only cost me 6 euros. I had a hard time understanding the main waiter..but the other man was from Ecuador and I could understand him very well, I told him that I could understand his spanish much easier. It made me happy to know that it's not just my spanish but more their accent.

lol also, when i was getting my blood drawn this morning, I was very lightheaded--the doctor said I had low blood pressure from being so sick, and Nancy (the CIEE lady) was trying to talk to me to keep me from passing out while they tried to find veins ...insert eeeeew here--she asked me what I would like to eat if i was in America..I said a HUGE wildcat burger from Trident with onion rings and ranch. I hate jamon mmm...on that note..i'm going to put on a movie and sleep some more.

Missing you

Above Indianapolis..it hit me.

I keep trying not to cry.  It's like sorting through this huge pile--so many different emotions to pick from.  I'm not quite sure where to start. 

It isn't one emotion in particular, I feel kind of like a foreigner in my own body. My head cannot wrap around the fact that i'm in en route to Spain. 

One emotion is: selfish. 

I think guilt has been on my shoulders and a little bit of shame.  The worst part is feeling i'm needed and i'm sitting here crossing the ocean. I know grief is an individual thing, or atleast that's what people tell you, but when it comes to the one you love struggling you want to be there to take their pain away, or atleast ease it.  Help them breathe again. It's hard to explain, I feel like i'm the ultimate absorber of other people's pain.  I can never feel fine when my friends and family aren't fine.  I make their emotions mine.  That's probably not good either..but i've been like that since I was a little girl..worrying about the worm on the fishook.  

So at this moment, I don't know where i'm at--change is happening as I type and there is no going back.I feel like i'm about to break but I don't want to.  Something just feels off, I feel like I don't know myself right now, like i've been running around so much that i haven't had time to sit and figure out how i'm doing. I feel like shit, my eyes even ache. Mimi told me to expect to cry everynight..but I can't cry myself to sleep in misery, wallowing in loneliness, I have to pretend to be controlled, rational, strong. If not for everyone else than for me, faking it with myself.  Are people really emotionally dense enough to be really thrilled to leave their friends and family? I feel like you're supposed to be excited to see new places..but that's not the only side of the coin, maybe for people escaping.  When I signed up for my program maybe I was escaping.  But I love my life,  and I miss it already.  

This week has been crazy.  I had some kind of seizure on Sunday and had to pseudo admit that i'm not fine.  I've lost 10lbs, been sicker than ever before it happened, and i've never been more devastated in my life. Why did this have to happen now?

 I also thought about my father. I was looking at a map, and my dad goes to the Ukraine a lot--and I saw it is actually kind of close to where I am--could we be on the same continent and not even know it? I say tragic and truly mean it. Somehow leaving while being left eases the pain.  This "i'll show you" attitude resurfaces, in dark moments, like the pain you caused me will not break me.  I can be strong, independent, and smart.  I can survive anything.

Random aside, 

Discussed my journey with a nosy/chatty kathyish man sitting next ot me and he said he could feel the anxiety coming off of me, even though i was putting on a strong front.  A complete stranger read me in 5 minutes.  He asked me 'What's your number one concern?" and I replied "feeling disconnected from the people I love"

I try and be in control of myself all the time, and the things around me in my immediate vicinity (cleaning, organization) because it makes me feel calm/secure.   

I know you're supposed to be excited to travel.  But it's not human to feel only one emotion, leaving home imbibes great stress, great loss, and significant, un-fathomable change.  The rug has been pulled out from underneath for 3 months and months to come..and i'm still playing catch-up.

I love you guys.  

Mandy and I are the airport

        

So we're just waiting in the phoenix airport to take off, went through security without having to pay fees for my bags (insert happy dance here) and managed to take a medium/small backpack and a tote stuffed to the brim.  

And i brought my blanket..i'll be honest.

I'm excited I just talked to Mimi and she said she said she's been using skype to call mobiles and put $20 on it and still has $13 left after an entire month .  That's really good news after I got ripped off on my calling card. "if it seems too good to be true, it probably is" the alleged 6 cents/minute ended up being 97 cents/minute. That may not seem like much but it'll add up painfully fast.  

I also got to video chat with Austin, I felt like I was there seeing Bella, Max, and Dave (who mooned me. Next time i'm saving the picture for blackmail

.) 

It's definitely alot easier not being by myself, so i'm really lucky that Mandy and I are going together.  This could've been tragic if I would have had to delay my trip because of the medical shenanigans, but i'll explain that later..too tiring at the moment.  I haven't slept at all in the past week and it shows, beauty sleep exists and I believe in it now.  I still feel connected so the feeling of being overwhelmed hasn 't fully me hit me..austin was so supportive/encouraging this morning when I called him crying as I finished up my carry on bags.

 My mom and brother were really calm and didn't get emotional..that helped me alot too.  Troy is hopefully coming to visit in October when he has a week off and sporadically throughout my trip and my mom is coming for thanksgiving.  I want her to bring potato salad for me.  I'm going to miss my mom's cooking.

But anyways, our flight to philadelphia is delayed and it's about 4hrs 41 minutes and then our flight to portugal is 7hrs...soooo long.  We'll see how we survive. 

The beginning of a new chapter..?

It’s a popular question these days, how I got where I am. I would like to say it all started with a looming life milestone known as college graduation. But that might be a lie. It might just be America. We grow up always looking towards the next monumental life change, never really allowing ourselves to be content.

So back to that question, it’s a tough one. So when I say I’m not really sure what I’m doing, I mean it. I hate change but I’m moving to a foriegn country. Mark Twain echoes in my mind, “Explore. Dream. Discover.” But somehow I don’t really embody anything remotely like Mark Twain’s quote. I love routine, I pride myself on being grounded...my own quirky version of being rational, and I would rather have my life on a pseudo itinerary.

I’m currently on a plane returning back to my usual spot..stuck between a rock and a hard place. Why? Well, the Rolling Stones lied when they crooned “time is on my side” because time is definitely not on my side. I don’t know what I was thinking or if I was really even thinking all when I signed up to move to Spain. I have always admired the laidback people of this world--the patient end of the line people. Let me clarify, you know when you are standing in line at Starbucks all rushed and disheveled, tapping your foot and looking around as if the answer to the line hold-up is about to walk in the door? Don’t be embarrassed, I’m one of them too. But what you probably don’t notice is the guy whistling to himself, smiling dumbly, unaware of the disillusioned time constraints the rest of us have put on ourselves.

It occurred to me that I might not fit in, in Spain when I received one of my first “official” emails from my program stating that we need to stop e-mailing so enthusiastically because Spain moves at a slower pace, and we are all eventually going to have to acclimate to the pace of the Consulate. Isn’t it the other way around? The government is always hounding us for one thing or another? Well...apparently in Spain--days off are common.

I can’t say that I’ve never dabbled in this illustrious “laidback” life style, I caught a glimpse when my family was living in Santa Fe, New Mexico. The Land of Manana. Life in this twilight zone is summed up with a job interview I had..”Do you often not show up to work when it is Sunny outside?” --what kind of question is that? I hardly notice what the weather is, and in Arizona it’s generally just hot. I replied “Absolutely not” --it had never occurred to me that some people get paychecks to live and not live to get a paycheck. Mind boggling, isn’t it?

It’s unfair of me to throw around this profound laidback insight because I don’t have it. I was exposed to it. I still rush myself for no apparent reason, and stand impatiently in line at Starbucks. Ironic, I’m waiting to get a caffeine boost that will more than likely produce more anxiety and more rushing. Like I said, I live between a rock and a hard place.
Lately I have been thinking of myself as a victim in this whole Spain adventure. I couldn’t tell you why--other than when it really comes down to it I’m not sure I ever wanted a real change. Change happened. I couldn’t stop graduation--my mom would have killed me. So instead of ending my life..I ended my safe haven of college. I successfully graduated in four years with a degree in English literature. People have always pestered me with ideas about a career, my favorite accusation was “So what, are you going to be a teacher?” Somehow I found that offensive. Offensive because my degree would be in education. But instead, I opted to be an intellectual. English majors like to think of themselves as intellectually superior to other humdrum majors like business or economics. We think, we ponder, we write. We do alot of nothing in the business sense. So here I am, moving to Spain to teach English. Ironic.

So officially, this is the countdown to my journey to Spain. Maybe continually writing my fears and worries will get old to the point where I throw caution to the wind and “Explore. Dream. Discover” (it’s my new mantra...and will be repeated numerous times in this epic adventure. It’s my plan.) But anyways, the epic adventure starts September 26th and ends June 2nd. I dismiss it as a semester abroad. I do that because I don’t want to miss anything happening here. I want everyone and everything to stay in the same routine while I’m gone. It’s a sort of experiment. It’s like tracking my soon to be mental breakdown...or maybe success in radical change.

An Ode to Rampant Douchebaggery

This weekend has not only been a milestone in my life, but a milestone in my personal life--I am much more aware of the rampant douchebaggery all around me, specifically tucson.

So what constitutes a douchebag? The term is used so loosely, but i'm going to employ a checklist that defines acts of douchebaggery...just in case you yourself might be a douchebag..or you mistakingly hang out with a douchebag.



Random of acts of rampant douchebaggery:

1. If you defend yourself by claiming "I feel like an asshole" --you are probably a douchebag.

2. If wearing Ed Hardy makes you feel good about yourself. douchebag



3. If a girl is unable to put sentences together, do not try and take her home--it'll be awkward for both of you.

No one wants to get it on with a drooling zombie. Also, it's happened to one of my guy friends--details changed, she threw up in his bed..took his sheets with her..and he never saw them again and slept on a comforter for 3 months.



4. If you have sent various text messages/and or stalker phone calls and have received no reply..SHOCKER..i'm not interested (more than likely because you are douchebag)

. If you are still trying to get with your ex while currently with the rebound..this is high level douchebaggery.

6. If you go to the gym in high socks and vans..you are an out of control douchebag.

7. If you expect a girl to ask you out--this is RIDICULOUS. If you are not capable of courting a girl properly then we have no business dating and you are a douchebag.

8. Any phone calls after 10pm on the weekend are more than likely going to be embarrassing--so please refrain, because you look like a douchebag.

9. If you are out to dinner with a girl --during a date--and you ask her how she wants to split the check--you are cheap, and therefore a douchebag.


10. If you leave a girl behind at a bar, circa 2am without making sure she has a ride home--douchebag major.

11. If you find yourself in a party situation, trying to impress a girl by doing as many keg stands, beer bongs, or multiple hits of weed--this is rather disgusting. Warning, this will also lead you to have beer goggles and talk to the slutty girls..therefore making you a douchebag.



12. Expecting a girl to pay for beer at a party--cheap douchebag.

13. It is probably not a good idea to hit on a girl infront of my friends..this will get back to whomever--it's tucson, and you will look like a douchebag.

14. If a girl is kind enough to take you home in a cab and drop you off on their way, make sure you pay--otherwise once again, it is a case of cheap douchebaggery.

15. It is not appealing to invite a girl over AFTER the bars have closed when you have not even seen eachother all night. No girl with an inch of class will be wooed by this sad attempt. Try the drunk girl with her ass hanging out. Slutty douchebaggery.

16. If when at the bars, you find yourself desperate for a drink, do not think that i will be attracted to you if you push me out of the way to order first. This goes for any guy, even if we do not even know eachother. It's rude douchebaggery.


17. Honesty is always the best policy, if you plan on being a douchebag anytime in the near future--do us a favor and let us know. No hard feelings. Considerate douchebaggery.

18. When breaking up with a girl, control yourself, it is not a good idea to tell her "Not to eat too much icecream"--get over yourself, you rampant douchebag

19. Please do not feel compelled to hit on a girl when you can barely put sentences together, i will see you next weekend and laugh at you. awkward douchebag.



20. Please never approach my friends by asking "Would you ever date a guy living in a tent" (note, he emphasized it had AMENITIES) and then continue to critique her by calling her shallow. This is not made up, it really happened.

21. If we have not had an official date, and for the nimrods this is either dinner or a movie, please do not invite me over to your house--it is awkward and looks shady. shady douchebaggery.

22. If it's the first date, even in college, you should drive. or atleast offer, that earns points too.

23. "You have the most beautiful eyes" ..(and my marriage isn't going well) is a very cliche pick up line, overly used specifically at Championship bar--please be more creative otherwise you will be lumped with the typical douchebag.

24. Hiding that you are married. it happens. mainly baseball players. look out for spring training.
in addendum: your team status does not impress me, espn is not commonplace in my vocabulary--but douchebag is. athletic douchebag.


25. I'm reiterating..refusing to drive a girl home no matter how far she lives is messed up and VERY VERY douchebaggish. And don't act like you don't know what i'm talking about..how many times have you and your guy friends piled in a cab and left girls standing on the street who were waiting--meatrack is prime for this.

26. If you are dating/talking to a girl and hit on her friends, you are a douchebag. But take note, after many lunch discussions over the last four years--if you let a girls friends hit on you. this too is conceived as total douchebaggery.

27. Don't ever orange fake tan if you are a guy, this isn't miami beach and it's awkward when you walk around like muscle beach--i cannot distinguish between your neck and shoulders...and you look like an inflated bird


28. Do not make your eyebrows look like mine, girls and boys have different features for a reason.

29. If you like shopping more than I do, you need a bestfriend not a girlfriend.



30. Do not EVER ask a girl, "are you really going to eat that?"

31. If you are trying to hit on me, do not ask me if my jeans are "true religions or sevens" --that is so awkward..and you might want to rethink your sexuality. just maybe. metro douchebaggery

32. Watch your mouth, listening to a spew of swear words is not appealing and it makes you look like an idiot who doesn't know how to construct an effective thought. Idiot douchebaggery

33. Popped collar under any circumstances is unacceptable. Pompous douchebaggery.



34. If you are circa 60 years old, do not talk to me--it makes me very uncomfortable and i'd rather buy you a lifealert.

35. Two things when it comes to cell phone etiquette:
1. DO not be talking/texting while we are on a date..i know you want to look popular but girls deserve your undivided attention.
2. Do not talk to other people while on the phone with a girl, call me back.




36. Shades at night? Awkward and creepy douchebaggery



So i know this is random, but so is douchebaggery--it can be completely unexpected and creep up on you at random times...places..or situations. Look out for rampant douchebaggery..it's everywhere. Just do me a favor, if anything on this lists applies to you--live and let live, atleast we can say we tried.


Feel free to add your own addendums of rampant douchebaggery.

This time, I even surprised myself.

Alright, i'm sitting at the phoenix airport after an irrational amount of stage 5 anxiety. For some reason I was completely convinced that it would be really busy and I would miss my flight..not that there aren't a bagillion flights to LAX everyday. I don't know what's wrong with me. I was so excited when I originally found out I had been accepted to teach in Spain, and now i'm terrified.

When I say terrified, i mean lump in your throat, gut twisted...terrified. It's not a normal thing to do, I guess I really never have done things "normally" but I do think i'm pretty predictable. This time I even surprised myself.

I think it was a means to an end..I had no plans after graduation and I panicked. I never envisioned myself sitting in a cubicle from 9-5 doing the same mundane activities and paperwork everyday. I want to be learning, growing, and challenged everyday. I want to see the world and really FEEL how individual my life is, does that make sense?

I had the same anxiety about going to London. I pretty much did a therapy session when I got out of the taxi cab and was at some godforsaken campus in the middle of nowhere that looked like a hell hole. Luckily, after becoming sopping wet and exhausted from lugging 2 huge bags--I made it to the front of the building where a bunch of weird foreign kids were smoking and looking at me indifferently. I know i can handle being in another country on my own, because the thing is--you have no choice. It's you, your luggage, and your thoughts.

I don't know why i'm making it into a scary experience. Most people would be envious. But i picture myself standing at the airport on september 26th, completely horrified at the prospect of leaving everything behind. But in my defense, maybe it is a scary experience. I'm picking up and making a life for myself in another country when I don't even know how to fully take care of myself here. It gets exhausting, today I just wanted an extra pair of hands to help me out and multitask. I felt like I had a million + 1 things to do and no time to breathe and get them done in a rational way.

My entire life was rooted in trying to live up to my father's expectations of me, compromising who I was as a person to fit into the mold he had provided for me since i was born. I'm exhausted. Carrying the weight of that pressure has left me nowhere. I used to feel guilty when I would think of not speaking to him anymore and cutting off what little communication we had. Yet, I could never do it and he did it so easily. I guess it reiterates, leave them before they leave you. But I don't want to be living in a perpetual game of russian roulette. I'm tired, I feel depths of heartache I didn't think existed; I don't want to go through that again...and now i'm back where I started.

For the time being, I'm going to put on my happy face and not burst into tears about Spain. I'm going to attempt to get my Visa. No..positivity--I'm going to get my Visa.

Chapter 2: very rough draft..

The empty bottle of wine sat amidst the botch of paperwork, one in particular caught her eye as she tugged it towards her. The death certificate. The letters glared off the stark page, Helen Phillips. She pushed it away and touched her heart, she swore sometimes she could feel it ache. The wine felt sour in her throat, it was cheap and old.

As she moved out of the kitchen, the wall mirror presented a harsh reality,Oh well this is a good look.. she smoothed her tangled strands and smudged away the streaked mascara. She felt judged by her own red-rimmed blue hues, Count to 10...deep breaths..1..2...3..10. It amused her that therapists were always telling her "little tricks" to ward off an anxiety attack, when all it really took was a tiny bottle that worked miracles. She slouched down into her oversized sofa fingering the Prozac, sucking on the pill until the medicinal flavor flooded her tongue. Her attention shifted to her cell phone, sitting blank. Text messageless. Could you blame him? She picked up the phone and pushed in I miss you but quickly deleted it and tossed the phone into the abyss of papers, He's the one who chose to leave. She peeled herself off the sofa and snagged her coat off the counter.

The cold air bit her cheeks as the door clicked behind her, she stumbled out the small gate, latching it clumsily. Her legs moved faster than her eyes, absorbing the darkness, it felt better than the fluorescent cage of her apartment. The silence of the city was interrupted occasionally by passing cars, and the sound of her heels clicking against the pavement.

The blackness enveloped her, the overhead streetlights becoming far and few between as she stumbled over the rotting asphalt. She quickened her pace as she saw the neon lights of the liquor store, becoming more aware of her poor decision. Solitude always made her think of her mother, her kind eyes and warm hugs that made you feel untouchable. Stop it, don't think about it. Wrestling with her memories, his indistinct voice cut through her thoughts "Where are you off to in such a hurry?" Her eyes raced over the area, spotting him leaning against the graffitied wall, covered by shadows. Typical. She averted her eyes and attempted to not look startled. She pulled her coat tighter around her, moving farther to the other side of the walkway. ""You know it's late, you should be careful walking around at night..Hey! I'm talking to you" She continued ignoring him, until his catcalls echoed in the alleyway, muttering fucking freak.

The bell of the convenience store rang in her ears, it was completely empty except for the bum outside nursing his paper bag treasure. She dropped her purse on the counter and waited for Martin to escape the clutches of the soap opera marathon on in back. The older man finally meandered out "Top of the morning Keira, having a date with Jack again?" his cheesy smile causing his cheeks to bulge over his eyes. Apparently everyone's a comedian at this hour, she pursed her lips and nodded "What can I say, he keeps me coming back for more." Not knowing what was worse, being on a first name basis with a convenience store clerk or feeling bad enough to humor him, she continued the banter for a minute more before inquiring "Would you mind calling me a cab? It's pretty sketch out there." He nodded, extending a Discount cab card over the counter, "Oh sorry, could you call? I didn't bring my phone." He grunted, dialing in the number disapprovingly, eyeing the television in back anxiously, "Alright Miss Keira, have fun with Jack, be gentle with him tonight. Cabs on its way." with that he waddled back at a relatively fast pace for someone his size before the squeak of the chair indicated he had landed.

The lights of the dingy cab cut across the parking lot, illuminating the front door of the store. She waved and swooped in just before the alley admirer started calling after her again as he teetered from the wall, "Thank god you are here, bunch of weirdoes out tonight" her eyes stared at the back of his head before spouting off her address, "You don't mind if I celebrate a little do you?" --the alcoholism had made her great at superficial cab-ride banter, motioning to her bottle. But this guy didn't laugh as she had expected and instead muttered "By all means". The car sped out of the parking lot, causing her to fall back in her seat and spit up some of the Jack, "Whoa! Could you slow down? I'm not in any hurry" He released an empty, easy laugh as the car lurched forward again at the green light, before suddenly pulling a sharp right and slamming on the brakes. She flew forward into the back of the front seat and then down on her side, gripping the ripped leather she pushed herself up again "What the hell?!" as her eyes levelled to the windshield, her temple absorbed the blows from the gun. It felt like her skin was splintering off; the pain causing her to slowly slip into unconsciousness, This isn't real, this isn't real..

It's been awhile.

For the first time in a long time I have no words to convey the roller coaster of emotions i'm experiencing. Graduation is just a few days away and everyone is parting, leaving our amazing..safe and crazy world behind. I've never been a good candidate for change..it's just not in my DNA. I feel as if the world is flying from underneath my feet like a slick rug and I can't dig in my heels fast enough...so i'm in this state of free falling.

I was sitting in the library, successfully worrying about life and the universe, when I checked my e-mail and saw my acceptance letter to teach in spain. I started CRYING, right there in the middle of the 3rd floor--Totally embarrassing and an aberration of my collected character-- It was like a wave of relief rolling over my body. A plan is in motion. Never envisioning myself as the type to pick up and move to another country, i'm still in a state of shock. Moving abroad seems to be some weird form of escapism for me...some people have movies or books..I have foreign countries. The truth is i'm shocked.

Alright, so i'm going to hash this out even though my feelings are the last thing I want to confront. I'm freaked out that i'm not where I thought i would be. Technically, I never had a real vision for where I saw myself. I've become so much stronger this year...and slightly weaker at the same time. The world seems to move so fast, I feel like i've been in a constant state of flux--watching, waiting, hoping things would never change. I've realized that relationships seem to be the cornerstone that I build my safety net on. Oddly, I have no coherent relationship with anybody. Some people might criticize me thinking I need to be in a relationship, but that's not true. I seem to run in the opposite direction of guys who make it a point to want to be with me. I go after things that are temporary and entertaining..not noteworthy.

It's strange, how you can want something permanent but not want it at the same time. That doesn't make any sense. Okay, I love being single..but not being ALONE. So different. I've garnered the nick name "maneater" which is laughable in and of itself, but there have been a series of guys who had potential but sans the IT factor.


So in general, at this point on relationships: I don't want to fall asleep at night missing someone. I had such an emotional day, thinking about my dad and everything. I really wanted to go to bed enveloped in someone's arms. Maybe it's the kid in me, I just want to be comforted. I've gotten really good at keeping everyone away from me when i'm like this, hiding out in my room and acting as if everything is perfect. Allison and I call that..Susie. She's better at it than I am, being fake. Not in the typical girl way..but in a way that it seems as if nothing is rumbling beneath your surface. I watched two romantic comedies..27 dresses and What Happens in Vegas; i'm ready for my happy ending. And that's exactly why i'll never get it. Because I want it, you never get what you want. It's fate's cruel sense of humor.

Change is scary. It's Linus when his blanket is in the dryer, there is nothing to hold on to. I should be overjoyed about Spain. The grass is always greener. I am OVERJOYED about Spain, i'm just so all over the place. I felt grounded earlier today. I need to get that back, get it together, stop being such a baby about life, love, and all the things inbetween. I'll land on my feet. I'm typing that with umph, trying to convince myself here before I go to bed.

Alright insomnia, you win.

It's weird, lately whenever I get on to write...all the random thoughts that circle my head all day..I end up writing some random story that's been on the backburner for a year. I wish I could write a full and legitimate short story. I guess the problem is that I have no direction.

Honestly, this is one of the strangest periods of change i've ever gone through. Graduation is looming in May and I have no job and no tangible or developed plans. I am taking my LSAT on february 2nd and I have to say that when I was registering, a wave of nausea washed over my body.

It's something that's been a problem for me my entire life, I hate attempting things when there is a strong likelihood I could fail. Failure...shoot. I'm just worried about my future and being able to take care of myself and making the life I envision for myself real and palpable. What are you supposed to do with a degree in english literature? I've learned alot..i'm sure i'm my worst critic and it really takes a toll on me. I just want someone to be my cheerleader, tell me it's going to be okay and tell me what to do--what's my plan b? To tell me I won't need a plan B. I guess some part of me knows that I have to be that for myself..I just can't find that within me these days.

I feel like i have nobody to talk to about any of this. Either they are in the same situation or they are indifferent to the worry. It's those moments i feel most alone. Nobody's really there when you need to talk it out. Why is that? Another one of life's annoying teasers.

To fulfill my too honest entry, the question got asked whether or not I want my dad to be in my wedding--that is if he wanted to. Strange to think about people getting married anyhow..but that's another story. So back to my dad--It really hurts sometimes, I always end up talking about it so nonchalantly--not wanting to get emotional with anyone, not even myself.. I didn't get a Christmas card this year, it's been a year since my dad and i stopped talking. It was really hard at the beginning of the month--I remember the email word for word and I remember that I couldn't breathe. I think i'm afraid of that feeling--total helplessness. Abandoned. I wish I could forget all of it--the feeling and the words. It's kind of like carrying around this huge elephant for no reason, nothing comes of it and i'm probably never going to find anywhere to set it down. i'm afraid to get attached to someone and have them leave too. It sounds juvenile, but it's true.

Chapter 1 (TA DA!)

A smile crept to her lips as she watched his mouth move, ignoring the words but staring intently into his eyes. They were the softest shade of blue, glittering when he talked about the things that impassioned him. She remembered to nod, losing train of thought as she gazed into those amazing blue pools--powder blue? baby blue? periwinkle? He was so emphatic telling his story, something or other about a law school website dedicated to funnies that were anything but entertaining. His hand graze brought her back and she laughed as he continued, cackling to and even at himself, still wondering what goes on behind those eyelash curtains. It sounded strange, but she wanted to look into his eyes forever, feel his warmth as he looked back at her. When he looked at her it was like an ocean wave washing over her, tingles from where his fingertips touched all the way to the depths of her soul.

Gasping she lurched up from the bed, the springs screeching beneath her weight. She parted her lips, feeling the skin fray with the sudden movement, cooling the sting by sucking in the stale air. Austin. That was the last time she had seen him, she hadn't even told him she loved him before she left.

She extended her fingers infront of her face, nothing. She was still immersed in an onyx blanket, with a strange stench in the air unlike anything she had ever experienced. She put her numb fingers together in an effort to snap, she could still hear. She worried that she had gone blind but she imagined if she could still hear then perhaps it was likely she still had her sight. It couldn't have been more than 3 days since she left lunch with Austin, didn't people die after 3 days without food? She ran her tongue over her lips, tasting only blood.

It all seemed like a dream, she had told Austin she would meet him back at his place that evening to talk. She went home the same way she came, broad daylight. Out of nowhere she remembered feeling a sudden excruciating pain on her left temple and then blackness. Who and why? How could someone attack her in the middle of the afternoon? She cinched her eyes shut, attempting to remember anyone she had overlooked. Her heart pounded in her chest as the reality of the situation washed over her; she was trapped. Her ears strained to listen for any sign of human life--what if they had just left her for dead like some kind of sick science project? She had never been a religious person, always half assing church services and daydreaming in bible study, but in these moments of desperation her mind went to God. Tears streamed from her eyes and the salt stung her tender face--Dear God, I don't know if you're listening or if you would even listen to me--but I really need you to get me out of here and away from whoever did this to me. Her throat tightened and she released her first choked sob. It was like a river that had been dammed, she couldn't control herself and her body shook with each cry, she wailed until she ran out of air, shaking her foot furiously in an effort to rock herself to sleep. She thought of her mother and how worried she would be..how mad she would be when she knew she hadn't been carrying her mace. She thought of Austin, she felt her plain finger, thinking that had she made it to his house she would have told him she wanted to marry him, to look into his eyes forever. She cinched her fingers shut into a fist, wrapping her arms around herself. No one was there to offer a comforting word or embrace, she was alone now.

New book idea, more chapter 1's and 2's to follow i'm sure.

The goosebumps prickled up one by one until the hairs on her wet neck stood erect, waiting. Her ears strained to hear the sounds around her in the destitute darkness. The lump in her throat rose and bulged, she crumpled down against the cold wall bringing her scraped knees to her chest. Her shaking fingers extended up and over, feeling the dampness of her own blood..still warm. A sudden sob escaped her chapped lips followed by stomach bile, she keeled over away from her small spot choking on her own vomit, the taste was unlike anything--it tasted like pure acid and it burned her throat until it projected into a seething stink on the matted carpet. She thought of the time when she was a little girl and her mother would hold her hair back and softly stroke her back, whispering soothing murmurs in her ear.

Just breathe.

She wiped the remnants from her mouth with her cardigan sleeve. She could only imagine how much her bestfriend would reprimand her if she knew she had wiped vomit on her favorite Bebe sweater. She's going to kill me when she notices that I borrowed it without asking. That used to be the worst thing that could happen.

She blinked her eyes a couple of times, red and crusted from all the crying. Still nothingness, she gathered she must be in a room with no windows or real door because there was no air flow and not even the slightest crack of light. Perhaps a basement? But where were there houses with basements in Arizona? Nothing made sense anymore, who knew if she was even in Arizona anymore.

She propped herself up, getting dizzy and then again bracing herself against the wall slab. This is what it is to be blind. --What if I am blind?-- she put her hand infront of her face trying to detect any movement..--I can't be blind, this isn't real. This can't be real-- She swiveled her hands in various motions and then touched her face..--I'm not blind, i'm in a dark room. A fucking trap-- she patted the walls trying to find any semblance of a shape. She could no longer sit, puking and crying. Her situation had not changed in what felt like days, weeks, months. She knew she had not eaten so it could not have been more than 3 days. She was still bloated from the sushi her boyfriend had made her eat, fucking tempura. She put one foot tentatively infront of the other and glided slowly against the outline of the wall, shimmying her hands and feet as subtly as she could fearing any kind of secret booby trap like she had seen so many times in cliche movies like The Goonies. There were no imperfections on the walls, just a smooth cool surface--it felt like concrete. What kind of room has a carpet floor and concrete walls? After moving along the perimeter she figured she was in a small square room, a rat in a box. She slinked down the wall onto the floor, covering her nose with her blouse, even the smell of her own bile was better than the smell coming from the floor. She pawed one hand around the area she was crawling on--nothing. She crawled forward in what she decided was toward the side wall--what the hell is that smell? It reminded her of a frat party the next morning, old beer and throw up baking in the sun. Nothing was worse than the smell of boiling vodka..except cadavres. She snapped backwards onto her bottom, covering her mouth as she screamed --There is someone...something..dead in here--she recoiled into her safe corner crying until she thought her stomach was going to come out of her mouth, she kicked her feet and banged on the wall--who the fuck are you?! you sick mother fucker!! What the fuck is this?! WHO IS IN HERE?!--she tucked her face into her shirt, hoping to disappear..this isn't real, this isn't real! She slapped her own arm, pinching her pale forearms as hard as she could--wake up Keira, wake up!!--

i <3 cheesy love quotes

That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time. To truly love something, you must first give it a chance to fail