Happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them.

Never lose your childish innocence. It's the most important thing.

I was leaving the cafe this morning and saw these two adorable children playing. They were so carefree and happy. I envied them. You can never be sad watching little kids.

“Know you what it is to be a child? It is to be something very different from the man of to-day. It is to believe in love, to believe in loveliness, to believe in belief; it is to be so little that the elves can reach to whisper in your ear; it is to turn pumpkins into coaches, and mice into horses, lowness into loftiness, and nothing into everything, for each child has its fairy godmother in its own soul.”

I'm going to complain...just for a minute

We like to think we're fearless, eager to explore unknown lands and soak up new experiences, but the fact is, we're always terrified. Maybe the terror is part of the attraction. Some people go to horror movies. We cut things open. Dive into dark water. And at the end of the day, isn't that what you'd rather to hear about? If you've got one drink and one friend and 45 minutes. Slow rides make for boring stories. A little calamity. Now that's worth talking about.

It's surreal--i feel like i'm living in a parallel universe. I'm finally here, and seeing these amazing sights--yet i feel like i'm trudging through mud. I'm nervous to get my blood work back on Friday--i don't want to be sick. i hope my sinus infection is just acting up or something. I feel half-human. The best part, as if i didn't feel unattractive already being sick and tired...I have a really sexy rash all over my legs, arms and torso.

I hate feeling like i have no idea what's going on around me. Nobody speaks english (which isn't a huge deal) but it makes buying a cell phone etc, really stressful. I want to get to my town asap so i can just rest and recooperate. I feel like i'm trying to keep up with everyone here and fight my body as best as i can, but i'm just deteriorating.


..it's just aggravating to have spent my entire last week in the doctors office to get pseudo clearance and then here I am in Spain, sicker than ever with no one to help me out. Showering exhausts me, eating is a huge effort and afterthought and i'm wishing i could temporarily rent a new body to get around.

I would love to go running through the parks across the street from the hotel, I even tried to make myself believe i'll be able to go tomorrow by recruiting a couple of the girls..but i think i know that if i'm this run down it won't happen. But anyways, i guess if all fails in my life i can always fall back on being a personal trainer..because all i want to do is go running right now :/

Remember when I said i've never been sicker?

WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY

As nervous as I was to be in Spain, I was so excited to walk around the city and see all the beauty that is Sevilla. It is more beautiful than I could have ever imagined, i feel like i'm in a fairytale land


These are some pictures from our walk to the Plaza de Espana and the Plaza itself..it is gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous.



My favorite place so far of all is The Cathedral, it is so gorgeous at night time, it is something I will never forget. I found it by accident, walking to dinner with a couple of the girls to Las Coloniales for tapas (we had roquefort and blackberries, fried potatoes in a cholula sauce, bacon/cheese wrapped up in chicken in almond sauce, and eggplant ..yuck

Currently i'm up in my room at the hotel hesperia--so fatigued and debilitated.

The room is nice, this is a picture of it..it's funny that the bed is actually 2 beds, but they have them right up next to eachother, it's okay because Claire and I do not move in our sleep. Spaniards think Americans waste too much space.

My program director took me to the doctor today after I opted to not follow through with the emergency room because it cost 150 euros upfront. With all the expenses with moving to a new city i just didn't feel comfortable paying emergency fees unless I was on my death bed.

The doctor was great, however the asshole Neurologist i met with on wednesday was completely wrong--my Doctor did not speak any english. Luckily Nancy is from Spain so she speaks perfect english and spanish and could explain the things I did not know how to say. It's funny how the commotion of moving here kept me from feeling how weak I was--everyone brushed me off as stressed, etc. I hate that about people. I just get exhausted moving around, I hope i just have a bad virus versus mono. I don't know what i'm going to do, it's okay being here for now..shitty being in my hotel room but i'm looking at the sunshine outside and trees. I just want to get better soon, this would be very difficult if i was in Villanueva de Cordoba by myself, not having someone to help me communicate and get the medicine I need. I have to go to the Pharmacy across the street to pick up the medicine for my body aches, medicine is very different here, the pharmacy gives you advil, etc...like you don't pick it out for yourself as we do in the states they do it for you here. Anyways, i'm just listening to Dave Matthews "crash"...makes me so relaxed. I added it to my playlist, so you can listen to it too :)

Oh, on a different note..the food here is drastically different. In the morning, you just have a piece of toast for breakfast with cafe con leche. The coffee is so delicious, Amy you would die and go to heaven. I also thought of something..you know how you always eat sourdough bread for breakfast? I think it is a European thing..because that's all they give me..with lots of butter and jam. Interesting. Anyways, i thought of you.

Yesterday I tried to get lunch between 2-5 which is when things shut down (and i mean everywhere closes..it sucks when you are hungry) but i found a bar that was serving tapas and attempted to be bold, starvation got the best of me. I tried the Chorizo for protein..but it's more like salami than the Chorizo i love in Mexico. I also had espinaca y garbanzo..which is just spinach in olive oil..hmm no comment..and then i had some french bread with a piece of parmesan ontop of it. All 3 only cost me 6 euros. I had a hard time understanding the main waiter..but the other man was from Ecuador and I could understand him very well, I told him that I could understand his spanish much easier. It made me happy to know that it's not just my spanish but more their accent.

lol also, when i was getting my blood drawn this morning, I was very lightheaded--the doctor said I had low blood pressure from being so sick, and Nancy (the CIEE lady) was trying to talk to me to keep me from passing out while they tried to find veins ...insert eeeeew here--she asked me what I would like to eat if i was in America..I said a HUGE wildcat burger from Trident with onion rings and ranch. I hate jamon mmm...on that note..i'm going to put on a movie and sleep some more.

Missing you

Above Indianapolis..it hit me.

I keep trying not to cry.  It's like sorting through this huge pile--so many different emotions to pick from.  I'm not quite sure where to start. 

It isn't one emotion in particular, I feel kind of like a foreigner in my own body. My head cannot wrap around the fact that i'm in en route to Spain. 

One emotion is: selfish. 

I think guilt has been on my shoulders and a little bit of shame.  The worst part is feeling i'm needed and i'm sitting here crossing the ocean. I know grief is an individual thing, or atleast that's what people tell you, but when it comes to the one you love struggling you want to be there to take their pain away, or atleast ease it.  Help them breathe again. It's hard to explain, I feel like i'm the ultimate absorber of other people's pain.  I can never feel fine when my friends and family aren't fine.  I make their emotions mine.  That's probably not good either..but i've been like that since I was a little girl..worrying about the worm on the fishook.  

So at this moment, I don't know where i'm at--change is happening as I type and there is no going back.I feel like i'm about to break but I don't want to.  Something just feels off, I feel like I don't know myself right now, like i've been running around so much that i haven't had time to sit and figure out how i'm doing. I feel like shit, my eyes even ache. Mimi told me to expect to cry everynight..but I can't cry myself to sleep in misery, wallowing in loneliness, I have to pretend to be controlled, rational, strong. If not for everyone else than for me, faking it with myself.  Are people really emotionally dense enough to be really thrilled to leave their friends and family? I feel like you're supposed to be excited to see new places..but that's not the only side of the coin, maybe for people escaping.  When I signed up for my program maybe I was escaping.  But I love my life,  and I miss it already.  

This week has been crazy.  I had some kind of seizure on Sunday and had to pseudo admit that i'm not fine.  I've lost 10lbs, been sicker than ever before it happened, and i've never been more devastated in my life. Why did this have to happen now?

 I also thought about my father. I was looking at a map, and my dad goes to the Ukraine a lot--and I saw it is actually kind of close to where I am--could we be on the same continent and not even know it? I say tragic and truly mean it. Somehow leaving while being left eases the pain.  This "i'll show you" attitude resurfaces, in dark moments, like the pain you caused me will not break me.  I can be strong, independent, and smart.  I can survive anything.

Random aside, 

Discussed my journey with a nosy/chatty kathyish man sitting next ot me and he said he could feel the anxiety coming off of me, even though i was putting on a strong front.  A complete stranger read me in 5 minutes.  He asked me 'What's your number one concern?" and I replied "feeling disconnected from the people I love"

I try and be in control of myself all the time, and the things around me in my immediate vicinity (cleaning, organization) because it makes me feel calm/secure.   

I know you're supposed to be excited to travel.  But it's not human to feel only one emotion, leaving home imbibes great stress, great loss, and significant, un-fathomable change.  The rug has been pulled out from underneath for 3 months and months to come..and i'm still playing catch-up.

I love you guys.  

Mandy and I are the airport

        

So we're just waiting in the phoenix airport to take off, went through security without having to pay fees for my bags (insert happy dance here) and managed to take a medium/small backpack and a tote stuffed to the brim.  

And i brought my blanket..i'll be honest.

I'm excited I just talked to Mimi and she said she said she's been using skype to call mobiles and put $20 on it and still has $13 left after an entire month .  That's really good news after I got ripped off on my calling card. "if it seems too good to be true, it probably is" the alleged 6 cents/minute ended up being 97 cents/minute. That may not seem like much but it'll add up painfully fast.  

I also got to video chat with Austin, I felt like I was there seeing Bella, Max, and Dave (who mooned me. Next time i'm saving the picture for blackmail

.) 

It's definitely alot easier not being by myself, so i'm really lucky that Mandy and I are going together.  This could've been tragic if I would have had to delay my trip because of the medical shenanigans, but i'll explain that later..too tiring at the moment.  I haven't slept at all in the past week and it shows, beauty sleep exists and I believe in it now.  I still feel connected so the feeling of being overwhelmed hasn 't fully me hit me..austin was so supportive/encouraging this morning when I called him crying as I finished up my carry on bags.

 My mom and brother were really calm and didn't get emotional..that helped me alot too.  Troy is hopefully coming to visit in October when he has a week off and sporadically throughout my trip and my mom is coming for thanksgiving.  I want her to bring potato salad for me.  I'm going to miss my mom's cooking.

But anyways, our flight to philadelphia is delayed and it's about 4hrs 41 minutes and then our flight to portugal is 7hrs...soooo long.  We'll see how we survive. 

The beginning of a new chapter..?

It’s a popular question these days, how I got where I am. I would like to say it all started with a looming life milestone known as college graduation. But that might be a lie. It might just be America. We grow up always looking towards the next monumental life change, never really allowing ourselves to be content.

So back to that question, it’s a tough one. So when I say I’m not really sure what I’m doing, I mean it. I hate change but I’m moving to a foriegn country. Mark Twain echoes in my mind, “Explore. Dream. Discover.” But somehow I don’t really embody anything remotely like Mark Twain’s quote. I love routine, I pride myself on being grounded...my own quirky version of being rational, and I would rather have my life on a pseudo itinerary.

I’m currently on a plane returning back to my usual spot..stuck between a rock and a hard place. Why? Well, the Rolling Stones lied when they crooned “time is on my side” because time is definitely not on my side. I don’t know what I was thinking or if I was really even thinking all when I signed up to move to Spain. I have always admired the laidback people of this world--the patient end of the line people. Let me clarify, you know when you are standing in line at Starbucks all rushed and disheveled, tapping your foot and looking around as if the answer to the line hold-up is about to walk in the door? Don’t be embarrassed, I’m one of them too. But what you probably don’t notice is the guy whistling to himself, smiling dumbly, unaware of the disillusioned time constraints the rest of us have put on ourselves.

It occurred to me that I might not fit in, in Spain when I received one of my first “official” emails from my program stating that we need to stop e-mailing so enthusiastically because Spain moves at a slower pace, and we are all eventually going to have to acclimate to the pace of the Consulate. Isn’t it the other way around? The government is always hounding us for one thing or another? Well...apparently in Spain--days off are common.

I can’t say that I’ve never dabbled in this illustrious “laidback” life style, I caught a glimpse when my family was living in Santa Fe, New Mexico. The Land of Manana. Life in this twilight zone is summed up with a job interview I had..”Do you often not show up to work when it is Sunny outside?” --what kind of question is that? I hardly notice what the weather is, and in Arizona it’s generally just hot. I replied “Absolutely not” --it had never occurred to me that some people get paychecks to live and not live to get a paycheck. Mind boggling, isn’t it?

It’s unfair of me to throw around this profound laidback insight because I don’t have it. I was exposed to it. I still rush myself for no apparent reason, and stand impatiently in line at Starbucks. Ironic, I’m waiting to get a caffeine boost that will more than likely produce more anxiety and more rushing. Like I said, I live between a rock and a hard place.
Lately I have been thinking of myself as a victim in this whole Spain adventure. I couldn’t tell you why--other than when it really comes down to it I’m not sure I ever wanted a real change. Change happened. I couldn’t stop graduation--my mom would have killed me. So instead of ending my life..I ended my safe haven of college. I successfully graduated in four years with a degree in English literature. People have always pestered me with ideas about a career, my favorite accusation was “So what, are you going to be a teacher?” Somehow I found that offensive. Offensive because my degree would be in education. But instead, I opted to be an intellectual. English majors like to think of themselves as intellectually superior to other humdrum majors like business or economics. We think, we ponder, we write. We do alot of nothing in the business sense. So here I am, moving to Spain to teach English. Ironic.

So officially, this is the countdown to my journey to Spain. Maybe continually writing my fears and worries will get old to the point where I throw caution to the wind and “Explore. Dream. Discover” (it’s my new mantra...and will be repeated numerous times in this epic adventure. It’s my plan.) But anyways, the epic adventure starts September 26th and ends June 2nd. I dismiss it as a semester abroad. I do that because I don’t want to miss anything happening here. I want everyone and everything to stay in the same routine while I’m gone. It’s a sort of experiment. It’s like tracking my soon to be mental breakdown...or maybe success in radical change.

An Ode to Rampant Douchebaggery

This weekend has not only been a milestone in my life, but a milestone in my personal life--I am much more aware of the rampant douchebaggery all around me, specifically tucson.

So what constitutes a douchebag? The term is used so loosely, but i'm going to employ a checklist that defines acts of douchebaggery...just in case you yourself might be a douchebag..or you mistakingly hang out with a douchebag.



Random of acts of rampant douchebaggery:

1. If you defend yourself by claiming "I feel like an asshole" --you are probably a douchebag.

2. If wearing Ed Hardy makes you feel good about yourself. douchebag



3. If a girl is unable to put sentences together, do not try and take her home--it'll be awkward for both of you.

No one wants to get it on with a drooling zombie. Also, it's happened to one of my guy friends--details changed, she threw up in his bed..took his sheets with her..and he never saw them again and slept on a comforter for 3 months.



4. If you have sent various text messages/and or stalker phone calls and have received no reply..SHOCKER..i'm not interested (more than likely because you are douchebag)

. If you are still trying to get with your ex while currently with the rebound..this is high level douchebaggery.

6. If you go to the gym in high socks and vans..you are an out of control douchebag.

7. If you expect a girl to ask you out--this is RIDICULOUS. If you are not capable of courting a girl properly then we have no business dating and you are a douchebag.

8. Any phone calls after 10pm on the weekend are more than likely going to be embarrassing--so please refrain, because you look like a douchebag.

9. If you are out to dinner with a girl --during a date--and you ask her how she wants to split the check--you are cheap, and therefore a douchebag.


10. If you leave a girl behind at a bar, circa 2am without making sure she has a ride home--douchebag major.

11. If you find yourself in a party situation, trying to impress a girl by doing as many keg stands, beer bongs, or multiple hits of weed--this is rather disgusting. Warning, this will also lead you to have beer goggles and talk to the slutty girls..therefore making you a douchebag.



12. Expecting a girl to pay for beer at a party--cheap douchebag.

13. It is probably not a good idea to hit on a girl infront of my friends..this will get back to whomever--it's tucson, and you will look like a douchebag.

14. If a girl is kind enough to take you home in a cab and drop you off on their way, make sure you pay--otherwise once again, it is a case of cheap douchebaggery.

15. It is not appealing to invite a girl over AFTER the bars have closed when you have not even seen eachother all night. No girl with an inch of class will be wooed by this sad attempt. Try the drunk girl with her ass hanging out. Slutty douchebaggery.

16. If when at the bars, you find yourself desperate for a drink, do not think that i will be attracted to you if you push me out of the way to order first. This goes for any guy, even if we do not even know eachother. It's rude douchebaggery.


17. Honesty is always the best policy, if you plan on being a douchebag anytime in the near future--do us a favor and let us know. No hard feelings. Considerate douchebaggery.

18. When breaking up with a girl, control yourself, it is not a good idea to tell her "Not to eat too much icecream"--get over yourself, you rampant douchebag

19. Please do not feel compelled to hit on a girl when you can barely put sentences together, i will see you next weekend and laugh at you. awkward douchebag.



20. Please never approach my friends by asking "Would you ever date a guy living in a tent" (note, he emphasized it had AMENITIES) and then continue to critique her by calling her shallow. This is not made up, it really happened.

21. If we have not had an official date, and for the nimrods this is either dinner or a movie, please do not invite me over to your house--it is awkward and looks shady. shady douchebaggery.

22. If it's the first date, even in college, you should drive. or atleast offer, that earns points too.

23. "You have the most beautiful eyes" ..(and my marriage isn't going well) is a very cliche pick up line, overly used specifically at Championship bar--please be more creative otherwise you will be lumped with the typical douchebag.

24. Hiding that you are married. it happens. mainly baseball players. look out for spring training.
in addendum: your team status does not impress me, espn is not commonplace in my vocabulary--but douchebag is. athletic douchebag.


25. I'm reiterating..refusing to drive a girl home no matter how far she lives is messed up and VERY VERY douchebaggish. And don't act like you don't know what i'm talking about..how many times have you and your guy friends piled in a cab and left girls standing on the street who were waiting--meatrack is prime for this.

26. If you are dating/talking to a girl and hit on her friends, you are a douchebag. But take note, after many lunch discussions over the last four years--if you let a girls friends hit on you. this too is conceived as total douchebaggery.

27. Don't ever orange fake tan if you are a guy, this isn't miami beach and it's awkward when you walk around like muscle beach--i cannot distinguish between your neck and shoulders...and you look like an inflated bird


28. Do not make your eyebrows look like mine, girls and boys have different features for a reason.

29. If you like shopping more than I do, you need a bestfriend not a girlfriend.



30. Do not EVER ask a girl, "are you really going to eat that?"

31. If you are trying to hit on me, do not ask me if my jeans are "true religions or sevens" --that is so awkward..and you might want to rethink your sexuality. just maybe. metro douchebaggery

32. Watch your mouth, listening to a spew of swear words is not appealing and it makes you look like an idiot who doesn't know how to construct an effective thought. Idiot douchebaggery

33. Popped collar under any circumstances is unacceptable. Pompous douchebaggery.



34. If you are circa 60 years old, do not talk to me--it makes me very uncomfortable and i'd rather buy you a lifealert.

35. Two things when it comes to cell phone etiquette:
1. DO not be talking/texting while we are on a date..i know you want to look popular but girls deserve your undivided attention.
2. Do not talk to other people while on the phone with a girl, call me back.




36. Shades at night? Awkward and creepy douchebaggery



So i know this is random, but so is douchebaggery--it can be completely unexpected and creep up on you at random times...places..or situations. Look out for rampant douchebaggery..it's everywhere. Just do me a favor, if anything on this lists applies to you--live and let live, atleast we can say we tried.


Feel free to add your own addendums of rampant douchebaggery.

This time, I even surprised myself.

Alright, i'm sitting at the phoenix airport after an irrational amount of stage 5 anxiety. For some reason I was completely convinced that it would be really busy and I would miss my flight..not that there aren't a bagillion flights to LAX everyday. I don't know what's wrong with me. I was so excited when I originally found out I had been accepted to teach in Spain, and now i'm terrified.

When I say terrified, i mean lump in your throat, gut twisted...terrified. It's not a normal thing to do, I guess I really never have done things "normally" but I do think i'm pretty predictable. This time I even surprised myself.

I think it was a means to an end..I had no plans after graduation and I panicked. I never envisioned myself sitting in a cubicle from 9-5 doing the same mundane activities and paperwork everyday. I want to be learning, growing, and challenged everyday. I want to see the world and really FEEL how individual my life is, does that make sense?

I had the same anxiety about going to London. I pretty much did a therapy session when I got out of the taxi cab and was at some godforsaken campus in the middle of nowhere that looked like a hell hole. Luckily, after becoming sopping wet and exhausted from lugging 2 huge bags--I made it to the front of the building where a bunch of weird foreign kids were smoking and looking at me indifferently. I know i can handle being in another country on my own, because the thing is--you have no choice. It's you, your luggage, and your thoughts.

I don't know why i'm making it into a scary experience. Most people would be envious. But i picture myself standing at the airport on september 26th, completely horrified at the prospect of leaving everything behind. But in my defense, maybe it is a scary experience. I'm picking up and making a life for myself in another country when I don't even know how to fully take care of myself here. It gets exhausting, today I just wanted an extra pair of hands to help me out and multitask. I felt like I had a million + 1 things to do and no time to breathe and get them done in a rational way.

My entire life was rooted in trying to live up to my father's expectations of me, compromising who I was as a person to fit into the mold he had provided for me since i was born. I'm exhausted. Carrying the weight of that pressure has left me nowhere. I used to feel guilty when I would think of not speaking to him anymore and cutting off what little communication we had. Yet, I could never do it and he did it so easily. I guess it reiterates, leave them before they leave you. But I don't want to be living in a perpetual game of russian roulette. I'm tired, I feel depths of heartache I didn't think existed; I don't want to go through that again...and now i'm back where I started.

For the time being, I'm going to put on my happy face and not burst into tears about Spain. I'm going to attempt to get my Visa. No..positivity--I'm going to get my Visa.

Chapter 2: very rough draft..

The empty bottle of wine sat amidst the botch of paperwork, one in particular caught her eye as she tugged it towards her. The death certificate. The letters glared off the stark page, Helen Phillips. She pushed it away and touched her heart, she swore sometimes she could feel it ache. The wine felt sour in her throat, it was cheap and old.

As she moved out of the kitchen, the wall mirror presented a harsh reality,Oh well this is a good look.. she smoothed her tangled strands and smudged away the streaked mascara. She felt judged by her own red-rimmed blue hues, Count to 10...deep breaths..1..2...3..10. It amused her that therapists were always telling her "little tricks" to ward off an anxiety attack, when all it really took was a tiny bottle that worked miracles. She slouched down into her oversized sofa fingering the Prozac, sucking on the pill until the medicinal flavor flooded her tongue. Her attention shifted to her cell phone, sitting blank. Text messageless. Could you blame him? She picked up the phone and pushed in I miss you but quickly deleted it and tossed the phone into the abyss of papers, He's the one who chose to leave. She peeled herself off the sofa and snagged her coat off the counter.

The cold air bit her cheeks as the door clicked behind her, she stumbled out the small gate, latching it clumsily. Her legs moved faster than her eyes, absorbing the darkness, it felt better than the fluorescent cage of her apartment. The silence of the city was interrupted occasionally by passing cars, and the sound of her heels clicking against the pavement.

The blackness enveloped her, the overhead streetlights becoming far and few between as she stumbled over the rotting asphalt. She quickened her pace as she saw the neon lights of the liquor store, becoming more aware of her poor decision. Solitude always made her think of her mother, her kind eyes and warm hugs that made you feel untouchable. Stop it, don't think about it. Wrestling with her memories, his indistinct voice cut through her thoughts "Where are you off to in such a hurry?" Her eyes raced over the area, spotting him leaning against the graffitied wall, covered by shadows. Typical. She averted her eyes and attempted to not look startled. She pulled her coat tighter around her, moving farther to the other side of the walkway. ""You know it's late, you should be careful walking around at night..Hey! I'm talking to you" She continued ignoring him, until his catcalls echoed in the alleyway, muttering fucking freak.

The bell of the convenience store rang in her ears, it was completely empty except for the bum outside nursing his paper bag treasure. She dropped her purse on the counter and waited for Martin to escape the clutches of the soap opera marathon on in back. The older man finally meandered out "Top of the morning Keira, having a date with Jack again?" his cheesy smile causing his cheeks to bulge over his eyes. Apparently everyone's a comedian at this hour, she pursed her lips and nodded "What can I say, he keeps me coming back for more." Not knowing what was worse, being on a first name basis with a convenience store clerk or feeling bad enough to humor him, she continued the banter for a minute more before inquiring "Would you mind calling me a cab? It's pretty sketch out there." He nodded, extending a Discount cab card over the counter, "Oh sorry, could you call? I didn't bring my phone." He grunted, dialing in the number disapprovingly, eyeing the television in back anxiously, "Alright Miss Keira, have fun with Jack, be gentle with him tonight. Cabs on its way." with that he waddled back at a relatively fast pace for someone his size before the squeak of the chair indicated he had landed.

The lights of the dingy cab cut across the parking lot, illuminating the front door of the store. She waved and swooped in just before the alley admirer started calling after her again as he teetered from the wall, "Thank god you are here, bunch of weirdoes out tonight" her eyes stared at the back of his head before spouting off her address, "You don't mind if I celebrate a little do you?" --the alcoholism had made her great at superficial cab-ride banter, motioning to her bottle. But this guy didn't laugh as she had expected and instead muttered "By all means". The car sped out of the parking lot, causing her to fall back in her seat and spit up some of the Jack, "Whoa! Could you slow down? I'm not in any hurry" He released an empty, easy laugh as the car lurched forward again at the green light, before suddenly pulling a sharp right and slamming on the brakes. She flew forward into the back of the front seat and then down on her side, gripping the ripped leather she pushed herself up again "What the hell?!" as her eyes levelled to the windshield, her temple absorbed the blows from the gun. It felt like her skin was splintering off; the pain causing her to slowly slip into unconsciousness, This isn't real, this isn't real..

It's been awhile.

For the first time in a long time I have no words to convey the roller coaster of emotions i'm experiencing. Graduation is just a few days away and everyone is parting, leaving our amazing..safe and crazy world behind. I've never been a good candidate for change..it's just not in my DNA. I feel as if the world is flying from underneath my feet like a slick rug and I can't dig in my heels fast enough...so i'm in this state of free falling.

I was sitting in the library, successfully worrying about life and the universe, when I checked my e-mail and saw my acceptance letter to teach in spain. I started CRYING, right there in the middle of the 3rd floor--Totally embarrassing and an aberration of my collected character-- It was like a wave of relief rolling over my body. A plan is in motion. Never envisioning myself as the type to pick up and move to another country, i'm still in a state of shock. Moving abroad seems to be some weird form of escapism for me...some people have movies or books..I have foreign countries. The truth is i'm shocked.

Alright, so i'm going to hash this out even though my feelings are the last thing I want to confront. I'm freaked out that i'm not where I thought i would be. Technically, I never had a real vision for where I saw myself. I've become so much stronger this year...and slightly weaker at the same time. The world seems to move so fast, I feel like i've been in a constant state of flux--watching, waiting, hoping things would never change. I've realized that relationships seem to be the cornerstone that I build my safety net on. Oddly, I have no coherent relationship with anybody. Some people might criticize me thinking I need to be in a relationship, but that's not true. I seem to run in the opposite direction of guys who make it a point to want to be with me. I go after things that are temporary and entertaining..not noteworthy.

It's strange, how you can want something permanent but not want it at the same time. That doesn't make any sense. Okay, I love being single..but not being ALONE. So different. I've garnered the nick name "maneater" which is laughable in and of itself, but there have been a series of guys who had potential but sans the IT factor.


So in general, at this point on relationships: I don't want to fall asleep at night missing someone. I had such an emotional day, thinking about my dad and everything. I really wanted to go to bed enveloped in someone's arms. Maybe it's the kid in me, I just want to be comforted. I've gotten really good at keeping everyone away from me when i'm like this, hiding out in my room and acting as if everything is perfect. Allison and I call that..Susie. She's better at it than I am, being fake. Not in the typical girl way..but in a way that it seems as if nothing is rumbling beneath your surface. I watched two romantic comedies..27 dresses and What Happens in Vegas; i'm ready for my happy ending. And that's exactly why i'll never get it. Because I want it, you never get what you want. It's fate's cruel sense of humor.

Change is scary. It's Linus when his blanket is in the dryer, there is nothing to hold on to. I should be overjoyed about Spain. The grass is always greener. I am OVERJOYED about Spain, i'm just so all over the place. I felt grounded earlier today. I need to get that back, get it together, stop being such a baby about life, love, and all the things inbetween. I'll land on my feet. I'm typing that with umph, trying to convince myself here before I go to bed.

Alright insomnia, you win.

It's weird, lately whenever I get on to write...all the random thoughts that circle my head all day..I end up writing some random story that's been on the backburner for a year. I wish I could write a full and legitimate short story. I guess the problem is that I have no direction.

Honestly, this is one of the strangest periods of change i've ever gone through. Graduation is looming in May and I have no job and no tangible or developed plans. I am taking my LSAT on february 2nd and I have to say that when I was registering, a wave of nausea washed over my body.

It's something that's been a problem for me my entire life, I hate attempting things when there is a strong likelihood I could fail. Failure...shoot. I'm just worried about my future and being able to take care of myself and making the life I envision for myself real and palpable. What are you supposed to do with a degree in english literature? I've learned alot..i'm sure i'm my worst critic and it really takes a toll on me. I just want someone to be my cheerleader, tell me it's going to be okay and tell me what to do--what's my plan b? To tell me I won't need a plan B. I guess some part of me knows that I have to be that for myself..I just can't find that within me these days.

I feel like i have nobody to talk to about any of this. Either they are in the same situation or they are indifferent to the worry. It's those moments i feel most alone. Nobody's really there when you need to talk it out. Why is that? Another one of life's annoying teasers.

To fulfill my too honest entry, the question got asked whether or not I want my dad to be in my wedding--that is if he wanted to. Strange to think about people getting married anyhow..but that's another story. So back to my dad--It really hurts sometimes, I always end up talking about it so nonchalantly--not wanting to get emotional with anyone, not even myself.. I didn't get a Christmas card this year, it's been a year since my dad and i stopped talking. It was really hard at the beginning of the month--I remember the email word for word and I remember that I couldn't breathe. I think i'm afraid of that feeling--total helplessness. Abandoned. I wish I could forget all of it--the feeling and the words. It's kind of like carrying around this huge elephant for no reason, nothing comes of it and i'm probably never going to find anywhere to set it down. i'm afraid to get attached to someone and have them leave too. It sounds juvenile, but it's true.

Chapter 1 (TA DA!)

A smile crept to her lips as she watched his mouth move, ignoring the words but staring intently into his eyes. They were the softest shade of blue, glittering when he talked about the things that impassioned him. She remembered to nod, losing train of thought as she gazed into those amazing blue pools--powder blue? baby blue? periwinkle? He was so emphatic telling his story, something or other about a law school website dedicated to funnies that were anything but entertaining. His hand graze brought her back and she laughed as he continued, cackling to and even at himself, still wondering what goes on behind those eyelash curtains. It sounded strange, but she wanted to look into his eyes forever, feel his warmth as he looked back at her. When he looked at her it was like an ocean wave washing over her, tingles from where his fingertips touched all the way to the depths of her soul.

Gasping she lurched up from the bed, the springs screeching beneath her weight. She parted her lips, feeling the skin fray with the sudden movement, cooling the sting by sucking in the stale air. Austin. That was the last time she had seen him, she hadn't even told him she loved him before she left.

She extended her fingers infront of her face, nothing. She was still immersed in an onyx blanket, with a strange stench in the air unlike anything she had ever experienced. She put her numb fingers together in an effort to snap, she could still hear. She worried that she had gone blind but she imagined if she could still hear then perhaps it was likely she still had her sight. It couldn't have been more than 3 days since she left lunch with Austin, didn't people die after 3 days without food? She ran her tongue over her lips, tasting only blood.

It all seemed like a dream, she had told Austin she would meet him back at his place that evening to talk. She went home the same way she came, broad daylight. Out of nowhere she remembered feeling a sudden excruciating pain on her left temple and then blackness. Who and why? How could someone attack her in the middle of the afternoon? She cinched her eyes shut, attempting to remember anyone she had overlooked. Her heart pounded in her chest as the reality of the situation washed over her; she was trapped. Her ears strained to listen for any sign of human life--what if they had just left her for dead like some kind of sick science project? She had never been a religious person, always half assing church services and daydreaming in bible study, but in these moments of desperation her mind went to God. Tears streamed from her eyes and the salt stung her tender face--Dear God, I don't know if you're listening or if you would even listen to me--but I really need you to get me out of here and away from whoever did this to me. Her throat tightened and she released her first choked sob. It was like a river that had been dammed, she couldn't control herself and her body shook with each cry, she wailed until she ran out of air, shaking her foot furiously in an effort to rock herself to sleep. She thought of her mother and how worried she would be..how mad she would be when she knew she hadn't been carrying her mace. She thought of Austin, she felt her plain finger, thinking that had she made it to his house she would have told him she wanted to marry him, to look into his eyes forever. She cinched her fingers shut into a fist, wrapping her arms around herself. No one was there to offer a comforting word or embrace, she was alone now.

New book idea, more chapter 1's and 2's to follow i'm sure.

The goosebumps prickled up one by one until the hairs on her wet neck stood erect, waiting. Her ears strained to hear the sounds around her in the destitute darkness. The lump in her throat rose and bulged, she crumpled down against the cold wall bringing her scraped knees to her chest. Her shaking fingers extended up and over, feeling the dampness of her own blood..still warm. A sudden sob escaped her chapped lips followed by stomach bile, she keeled over away from her small spot choking on her own vomit, the taste was unlike anything--it tasted like pure acid and it burned her throat until it projected into a seething stink on the matted carpet. She thought of the time when she was a little girl and her mother would hold her hair back and softly stroke her back, whispering soothing murmurs in her ear.

Just breathe.

She wiped the remnants from her mouth with her cardigan sleeve. She could only imagine how much her bestfriend would reprimand her if she knew she had wiped vomit on her favorite Bebe sweater. She's going to kill me when she notices that I borrowed it without asking. That used to be the worst thing that could happen.

She blinked her eyes a couple of times, red and crusted from all the crying. Still nothingness, she gathered she must be in a room with no windows or real door because there was no air flow and not even the slightest crack of light. Perhaps a basement? But where were there houses with basements in Arizona? Nothing made sense anymore, who knew if she was even in Arizona anymore.

She propped herself up, getting dizzy and then again bracing herself against the wall slab. This is what it is to be blind. --What if I am blind?-- she put her hand infront of her face trying to detect any movement..--I can't be blind, this isn't real. This can't be real-- She swiveled her hands in various motions and then touched her face..--I'm not blind, i'm in a dark room. A fucking trap-- she patted the walls trying to find any semblance of a shape. She could no longer sit, puking and crying. Her situation had not changed in what felt like days, weeks, months. She knew she had not eaten so it could not have been more than 3 days. She was still bloated from the sushi her boyfriend had made her eat, fucking tempura. She put one foot tentatively infront of the other and glided slowly against the outline of the wall, shimmying her hands and feet as subtly as she could fearing any kind of secret booby trap like she had seen so many times in cliche movies like The Goonies. There were no imperfections on the walls, just a smooth cool surface--it felt like concrete. What kind of room has a carpet floor and concrete walls? After moving along the perimeter she figured she was in a small square room, a rat in a box. She slinked down the wall onto the floor, covering her nose with her blouse, even the smell of her own bile was better than the smell coming from the floor. She pawed one hand around the area she was crawling on--nothing. She crawled forward in what she decided was toward the side wall--what the hell is that smell? It reminded her of a frat party the next morning, old beer and throw up baking in the sun. Nothing was worse than the smell of boiling vodka..except cadavres. She snapped backwards onto her bottom, covering her mouth as she screamed --There is someone...something..dead in here--she recoiled into her safe corner crying until she thought her stomach was going to come out of her mouth, she kicked her feet and banged on the wall--who the fuck are you?! you sick mother fucker!! What the fuck is this?! WHO IS IN HERE?!--she tucked her face into her shirt, hoping to disappear..this isn't real, this isn't real! She slapped her own arm, pinching her pale forearms as hard as she could--wake up Keira, wake up!!--

i <3 cheesy love quotes

That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time. To truly love something, you must first give it a chance to fail

So I got dumped?

For the past week or so i've been doing alot of thinking, ruminating about my life and inability to be content spending time totally alone. It really sucks. I feel like the past is creeping up on me like a bad dream that doesn't go away as hard as you try to think about other things.

I thought that perhaps I was manifesting my inability to be laidback with other issues into my relationship -- I think sometimes we make too many excuses for people instead of getting the answer that we don't want to hear.

I have never really been broken up with, particularly as an adult? It's a very humbling experience. However, I do have to tell you that this reaffirms my belief that I am psychic or blessed with crazy intution. I knew last night that something was up, even before I saw him. It just wasn't working, I guess if he wouldn't have done it--I would have eventually manned up and done it myself.

So yeah..breaking up--kinda like I just feel cold hard rejection. ouch..and it stings. I know that i've done this to alot of guys..and dt definitely handled it better than I would have or had. I'm more about the...cant hang out..can't talk approach. which is pretty immature but it keeps me from having to confront an awkward situation. I guess in the end I wasn't really into it anyhow.

Even before this whole thing transpired I was feeling disdain towards the whole college dating scene. I can't do the casual hook up thing, it's just not me and it's not fulfilling. I'm really careful about how much I put into a relationship in fear that the rug is going to be pulled out from underneath me--sadly this time my gut was right. I was hoping that my lack of bond/connection would culminate after we spent more time together but that didn't happen and maybe it never would have happened. Did i make a mistake? At the time when DT came into the picture I was talking to J and W and I probably didn't handle myself the best way about cutting things off. You just can't help but wonder if you passed up a good thing. I just feel like I should have listened to my own intuition instead of making excuses and giving it a chance. Can i just meet someone who is...great? lol that sounds weird..but guys can just be so lame. It isn't really a big deal..this being broken up with thing.. 2 years with eric vs. 1 month with denton.

Trying to get to know him was like pulling teeth and that's messed up on multiple levels but yet the FIXER in me wanted to make it work, to get to know the inner workings. But maybe there really wasn't much there? It's hard to fathom thus far.

I'm tired of dating..i'm tired of the wrong guy. I'm tired of mixed signals..and kind of burnt out on--well, dating. I kind of like doing my own thing better--i need to find someone as independent as I am.

When it comes down to it I have this overwhelming urge to get out of here, get to europe, travel and backpack in order escape

PS: I decided what my halloween costume will be--Britney Spears from her tragic VMA performance. I think the idea makes me just a little too excited :)

On the past..

I am reading Waterland and The Heart of Darkness which I should have read a long time ago. I finally finished "The Bluest Eye" by Toni Morrison and when it's very quiet I still think of the words and the lines and what an emotional book it was. Some people are so talented--they can move you and shape you with their words. Anyways, Graham Swift is different. My eyes lull over his words and I feel like i'm not getting it. The story is fractional and jumps over a span between 1940 and 1980. He is a history teacher who is being forced to retire because the world should not dwell on the past but live in the here and now...sad I guess.

The past is a foreign country, they do things differently there.

I used to think that was true but now i have my doubts. How much is the past apart of your present? I was reading an article yesterday that talked about how divorce affects children. My father is probably the sorest subject for me, not because I lack any amount of love for him, but perhaps because I love him too much for what he should be instead of what he is to me. It basically said that since my parents were divorced when I was a child, i've never grown up with the idea of what a workable marriage is. I flee rather than fight, the moment things look like they are getting ugly i'm out the door because I don't know how to fight without it being bitter. Hmm..this could be true. One time when I was suffering from lack of sleep and got emotional in highschool I told Erin I get scared that i'll never be married or happy in a relationship because I don't know what THAT is. My parents don't talk to eachother, and my mom still to this day won't tell me the most saddening pieces of the end of their marriage. I don't think I could handle knowing. It's just interesting how we stumble upon the world and fumble about bounding into things like bees, only later to be realize "Oh..this is where that scar or that bruise" comes from. bruise upon bruise.

He really left me.

What am i so afraid of? Today was tough, tough on a variety of levels. Firstly, i had one of thoooose days, where you contemplate hiding in your sheets all day and shutting the world out for a few hours.

Anyways--I finally got out of bed and went to class..wanted to gouge out my eyes from boredom. so bored. so boring. when students just sit and stare at the teacher with blank, disinterested face, there could be nothing worse to me. Just let us leave. Obviously we aren't getting anywhere. If only it were that easy.

Then in my international relations class after getting an earful/anxiety attack for our midterm grades..i'm terrified, i really tried. I did the study guide, didn't go out all weekend..and then of course to make me all the more optimistic i got a 14/20 on my outline, so depressing. sooooo depressing. it was just the icing on the cake, you know? You give us an "example paper" on foreign policy by using the country of Mars. hi-lar-ious. thanks for nothing and no direction.

I know i'm being negative and i know i'm being really negative when i get tough love from thelma on the homefront. I know i have a silver spoon in my mouth and no financial responsibilities (tuition, my car, my rent, my insurance, london..hawaii) Is there a rehab for impulsive spenders? Forget the coc or drinking, I need one for an inability to cope. Atleast i'm not turning to the hard stuff haha..I guess shopping is pretty harmless? I haven't even done it, I just THINK about it. But i guess it's empty fulfillment after all. I have clothes I haven't even worn. There in lies the hilarity..I'm so lame sometimes. I'm replacing something i can't replace.

So here it is, the root of the root , the bud of the bud. I'm struggling with everything from my last name to my grandma. I hate writing about this stuff because it's too real; have you ever kept something under the surface so you yourself didn't have to confront it? I'm a master at it. After feeling completely embarrassed by my feeling of abandonment last semester i'm terrified of being seen as weak or self-pitying. I think what happened with eric traumatized me. between him and my dad i'm waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me at all times...it's a really horrible feeling to be so afraid of life happening to you. I guess that's really it--i'm afraid of what's next. I'm still coping with what already happened. I feel like i'm always trying to be tough because that's what you're supposed to be but i'm kind of tired of faking it all the time. Maybe after all they were right, sometimes it's harder to smile when all you need to do is cry.

So writing that didn't really help. My life is pretty damn blessed..and i'm genuinely so happy 90% of the time. So the rational part can't sit here and cry at midnight. It's too depressing, irrational and lonely. I wish I could just get rid of all these feelings about my dad. I wish I could feel how i say I feel about it. That i'm better off without him in my life and what kind of father doesn't want/love their daughter? It's just so mind boggling that he's really gone. He really left me. I should be stronger than this..I've got to be.

The latest from my imagination

"Throwing pennies in a fountain"


The illuminated black pavement rolled underneath her car as she shifted into fourth gear, the wipers worked to no avail as the raindrops pelted the windshield. Turn green, turn green! She slammed on the brakes as her car jilted to a stop followed by an unsettled groan. The red light appeared smeared through the window, squinting she attempted to read the street sign, Where the hell am I? There were no other cars on the road, the emptiness of the streets created an eerie feeling that was followed by the goose bumps prickling on her pale neck and arms. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath—1:30 in the morning.

According to her mother this was when all the crazy rapists, drug addicts and loonies were about, but still early enough before the drunks were on the road. She laughed to herself If only she knew that I was comforting myself with her ridiculous warnings about safe driving etiquette. She propped her head up on her elbow and looked out the window biting her lip. Sometimes we search for answers by looking outside instead of looking within ourselves.

The music in the car was drowned out by the thoughts ruminating in her head. Why? It was the question that always surfaced in the moments when she was alone, and the one question she tried to think about the least because there was no real answer. It felt like an eternity before her car finally eased into the wet driveway, the headlights lingering on the garage door. It never ceased to amaze her how quickly the ivy grew, it continued extending and growing no matter how much her mother cut it back. It was determined.

She unbuckled her seat belt, eagerly looking at her brother “We’re here! We’re here!” She bounded out of her seat, before quickly turning back to grab her small bag from the floor “oops” looking to her brother apologetically with a forgetful smile. “Come on, we should try and be the first ones off or Dad will think we missed our flight” the words sounded severe to her ears, he was only 10 but her brother could sound like an adult when it came to these moments. He pushed ahead of her with the confidence of being the oldest. Tagging along behind him she waved goodbye to the stewardesses, it always made her feel important when they noticed her. They hurried through the airport, smiling ear to ear and walking quicker with each step, “Do you think Dad is going to be standing at the front?” her big blue eyes inquired. Her brother was silent for a moment, looking ahead before answering her “He usually stands towards the back.” Once she saw the crowd, her heart pounded in her chest—would he recognize her? She had grown since Christmas and had her mom tie her hair into a ponytail before she left. Her eyes raced through the crowd to look for the black hair and easy stance of her father. She followed behind him, nervous with anticipation and then finally moved in front of him to search through the strange faces and then she heard the familiar voice of her father calling their names, eagerly she bounded towards him as he leaned down and scooped up her brother and she in a hug.

The tear rolled down her cheek as she stared in front of her letting out strained laugh, tightening her mouth and taking a deep breath before wiping the tears and tilting her head back against the headrest. Get it together. It was always in these moments that the ache consumed her chest till it felt like an asthma attack. She sucked in the hot air of the summer as she opened the car door, walking to the illuminated front door. Her mother always left the lights on when she knew she was going to be home late, a sign of forgiveness, or maybe just a natural instinct of parenting, she could never really figure it out. She quietly let the door shut behind her, running her fingers to smooth down her hair. Sometimes she wondered if her mother knew what she had been doing, or with what guy. They would never guess he would be her type. Turning off the front porch light she found her way through the darkness, taking off her shoes to sneak up the stairs and into the safety of her room. It was a habit now, dropping her purse to the floor as the contents of lip gloss and receipts trickled out. Robotically she threw on her pajamas from the night before and went into the bathroom tying her hair back and washing her face. She looked up from the sink and stared into her foreign reflection, arching her neck to check for traces of him. Slut. She shook her head and wiped off the remnants of her mascara, maybe in the morning this would be a distant memory. She still felt the alcohol, crawling under the cold sheets and downing the hot water next to her bed. She closed her heavy eyes and tried to shake the image of his face.

His big brown eyes stared down at her, his pale skin freckled and slightly sick looking probably the cigarettes..she reached behind his head and pulled his thin lips up against hers, he was hungry and she could feel it. She felt empowered as he eased ontop of her, it didn’t feel right but nothing did anymore anyway. His hands groped over her body and it felt intrusive. She drowned out the sounds of the party going on in the kitchen, or maybe it was the jager. She tried to focus her eyes and get her bearings, were they in his parents’ room? She hated the way he bit her lips but she cinched her eyes and try to take control of the kiss again. She opened her eyes only to meet his, he looked..passionate. Her hands moved down his lanky frame, he was much thinner than the athletes she usually went for but it didn’t matter, he was the best of what was around and something in her wanted to have him. She lengthened her arms and stretched out her torso in a catlike motion, releasing a yawn midkiss…”I have to go home…sorry” the smile came easily to her as she rolled over onto her side, knowing he would pull her back, just like she wanted. They were all the same. It was like riding a bike, you had what they wanted and of course they would try their best to get it. He poured himself onto her, surprising her with slight dominance but not enough to really turn her on. “You’re such an amazing kisser,” he whispered into her ear as she nibbled on her lobe and sloppily kissed at her neck not knowing that she really liked it softly. “God, you’re body is soooo sexy” she kissed him harder, tasting the cigarettes on his breath and feeling the roughness of his jeans with her fingers. She pushed down on his chest and straddled him, “Mmm..thanks. But I really have to go. It’s late.” He finally consented and followed her sulkily out the front door and into the courtyard where some of the stragglers were smoking a cigarette and finishing their beer, she waved her hand lightly, “Nice meeting you” with a bashful smile, keys in hand, slipping out the front gate and avoiding eye contact. He pushed her up against her SUV and took another attempt at wooing her to stay, but she clumsily climbed into her car, not even noticing the side mirror was hanging off. “Drive safely. I’m glad you came over,” he said coolly. He thought he was the shit now, damnit, they always thought they were something special when she let them get on top of her. “Yeah it was fun. I’ll talk to you later” she smiled and started the ignition, shutting the door and pulling out abruptly. She wasn’t even sure how to get home. She wasn’t even sure if she was going to talk to him again, she hardly even knew him.

Her stomach jolted as she pulled the sheets up higher to her chin, shutting her eyes tightly wishing she could shut out the whole night. Why did she always end up in the same situation? Now she would have to see him at work and it would be awkward. The vivacious, sassy, seductive and rebellious girl he met tonight was not really her. It was a part of her, an angry part. She groaned and threw off the sheets again and walked across the cold wooden floor to her desk drawer. She slowly pulled it out and eyed the bottle of vicodin. Normally she could fall asleep when she had been drinking, but tonight everytime she closed her eyes it was like a black and white movie of her sexual exploits. Her thoughts raced back to calculate how much she had had to drink, she remembered sitting on his lap during the poker game and giggling because she couldn’t make out the image of the card clearly. She remembered shot gunning at least 5 jager bombs, the goose bumps resurfaced when she pictured his eyes staring at her over his shot glass, watching her smugly chug her drink. She quickly popped the pill into her mouth and scrunched her nose as the bitter taste of the pill remained on her tongue, unable to swallow it down but the tart taste stayed in her mouth, typical, that’s what you get for being one of them. She paced the room for a couple of minutes, looking out the door of her room that connected to the porch. She crept out, the darkness enveloping her like an old friend. Normally the lonely howl of the wolves would have scared her, but tonight she found it comforting. She laughed again as she tapped the package of cigarettes against her palm before lighting it up and taking a long, slow drag. The smoke oozed from her lips and dissipated into the night. She looked up at the glimmering stars, oh how things have changed.


She got up on the plane to go use the restroom, discretely bringing her makeup bag with her, hoping no one would find it suspicious. She always got awkward in the least awkward situations. For some reason she felt that taking a makeup bag into a bathroom would seem strange and vain. Nonchalantly walking down the narrow aisle, the stench of stale air filled her lungs and she couldn’t help but wince at the crying child and sleeping businessmen; every flight was the same. In truth, she was envious of the people with a child, to be able to love something more than yourself—she didn’t know what that was like. And, the businessmen, because they could sleep on a plane and not be awake thinking of 1000 different ways the plane could crash and you could die. And if you lived, would you be one of the leaders or would you be one of the followers that die first? Maybe eaten? People could turn cannibalistic in desperate situations. Someone had told her that they believed people had the innate instinct to kill, she didn’t believe it at the time but now that she had the plane crash scenario she thought she could kill someone if they attempted to sacrifice her to island gods or whatever else happens these days. She shook her head, closing the door of the bathroom behind her. Solitude. The bathroom is the only place you can get solitude on a plane. It smells like cheap soap. She wondered if anyone had ever had sex in this very bathroom and if they had, she was envious of them. She had always wanted to be the type of girl to have sex in an airplane bathroom, but she was too practical. It would be uncomfortable and people would know they would then know that she was in fact a slut. She took out her simple make up bag, and redid her eye makeup. She liked wearing a lot of eye make up, like Priscilla Presley. Priscilla had it made, this superstar fell in love with her when she was 13 years old in Germany. She must have done something right, she believed it was the dramatic eye make up. She looked into her blue eyes, the same eyes of the little girl that used to rush to see her Dad was now rushing to see her boyfriend. She always saw the couples at the airport that run to eachother, the guy holding the bouquet of beautiful roses and the girl being the eye candy of all the lonely men at the airport bar. How she envied them.

He would probably have flowers, anxiously waiting for her—looking to see which one was her and anticipate how she would look. Decidedly, she sat down in her seat and got that familiar excited feeling as the wheels hit the ground and she breathed easy knowing that the last opportunity for the plane to crash was gone. She took her time getting off the flight, wanting him to be anticipating her arrival. As she rounded the corner where everyone was waiting, the tall brunette in the high heels ran to her boyfriend and he hugged her as if he was never going to let her go. Her boyfriend was nowhere to be found…traffic. She stood in baggage claim feeling uncomfortable and disappointed. Finally she got the call he was out on the curb in the white Acura. She stepped out into the sunlight, lugging her heavy bags to the car, a big smile creeping onto her face. He never got out of the car; he popped the trunk for her to put her bags in.

She curled up on the chaise lounge, pulling the blanket she had wrapped around her shoulders tighter. It was amazing how in the middle of the summer you could be so cold. She looked over the endless amount of trees dotting the landscape, no movement, no rustling leaves. I wonder if anyone, anywhere is doing the same thing right now. Probably not. She pulled the cigarette away from her lips and studied the rim, blood. Flipping it out into the dirt, she stood up and stretched. Her lids felt heavy as they closed over her eyes, straining to keep them open she fumbled through the porch door and rag dolled down onto her bed.

Sunday nights

The rain is pelting on the windows and soaking everything outside..I love the smell of tucson rain.

I went on a great run tonight down greasewood, I saw a rainbow between the massive gray clouds and a beautiful sunset with hot pink and orange standing out from the bland rainy sky. It was so nice to be out with just the sound of my music, my feet against the pavement and my thoughts. A lot of people don't like running and I figured out what it is about running that I love so much. The only person that can keep me going is me, I can sprint out anger, run away from anybody, leave the whole world behind in my dust. The burn of my lungs and tension in my muscles is the most healing feeling, it's like letting out everything that makes you seethe in a 45 minute period.

Anyways this weekend was really enlightening and strange at the same time. I got work off Thursday and ended up going to denton's and hanging out. He seems like such a genuine person and it's so refreshing not to feel like it's another douchebag just trying to get down my pants..as cliche as that sounds.

Speaking of duplicitous people..KEVIN texted me on saturday. I haven't spoken to him since before May..so what is the point of texting me..i obviously have no desire to even maintain a friendship. Anybody who is sketch..can leave me be. I'm too upfront and honest to deal with people who are deceptive. I felt awkward because Denton was with me..I think to someone who doesn't know where i'm coming from, I could be construed as all over the place. I've been keeping to myself lately, it's not that I want to be spending time with anybody..it's that I want to be spending time with somebody. FYI to any girl in the world..being single is a better place than settling or putting up with more drama than you have to.

In general I wish I...well whatever, I guess I still play games... I guess we all play games. but shoot, dating is so awkward! it's too soon to be on a close knit basis, but at the same time I feel like I have no footing and don't know how to act or where my boundaries are. Maybe that's the fun of it or something.

Something that has been nagging me is that Kenny made a comment that I just need to be single for longer.. It gets under my skin because I have always been irritated with women who can't be independent without a man in their life. I know this more than anyone, i've had to be independent my entire life. My mom is amazing..if she were still allowing herself to be dependant on my father--where would she be? Please. I think in actuality i'm too independent to be in a relationship. I like doing my own thing, and if a guy fits..great..if not..I'm good :)

I'm having a mid-college crisis.

Shoot!

It just hit me that i'm not going to be returning to UA in the fall, living with my roomates, going to classes, and going to football games. This is it. Is that all there is?

I had a meeting with my prelaw advisor this morning and apparently it looks like my timeline is as follows

1. LSATS December 1st
2. Teach for America application
3. GRE test for graduate school
4. Law School applications in fall 08
5. Summer 08--getting a real job and living at home (AAAAAAAAAAH!)

I feel overwhelmed? Shit. I went to the career services department at the UA and "allegedly" with my bachelors in English I can pursue multiple careers, even (gasp) business. So I think it would be in my best interest to get a legit job over the summer..could you imagine if i got a job at a newspaper or news station? I would start crying and kissing the ground. I know that I do NOT see myself in a 8-5 job working in a cubicle. Not for me. I need to know that my job will be different day to day and with different people and implementing creative forces. Otherwise i think i'd start losing my mind and spinning around in my chair, or throwing paper airplanes at innocent co-workers.

I just feel like i'm too young for these decisions..haha i'm going to be like the 30 year old loser who is like "wait..this is when i'm supposed to grow up?"

Anyways, I just talked to kenny and allison and it really helped to bounce ideas off other people. Realistically it's a better plan for me not to be going to law school til fall 09 because i can get an internship at a lawfirm and get a feel for it. I always do want to apply to a newspaper..i'd love to be a writer..I guess it's my real dream anyhow.

Queen of my own chaos

Life never ceases to suprise me. As I sit here, on a pile of comforters and pillows, I'm queen of my own chaos...I can't help but throw in the towel. It's a half-hearted cop out.

Today felt like the storm that I saw coming, but didn't bother to really prepare for. I woke up with a severe migraine, unable to sleep all night from the sweats and rampant anxiety/insomnia. It's so frustrating, my body is my worst enemy right now. Either way, today the vision was better but then again I wasn't attempting to climb Camelback while seeing blurry images. It's amazing, that to better my life by stopping the medication, i've caused quite a disruption. I get so frustrated, like i'm trapped in someone else's nightmare.

Today I gave up..had a "pity party" and cried {insert gag..sigh..and gag again here}, it always makes me feel terrible when I cry. You feel the tears drop and roll off your cheeks but you don't get a release. So I wrote a letter that said what I felt, tentative and vulnerable, I think after all is said and done it was only fair to myself. I still feel shocked, like watching a train crash at 100 mph and just staring at the wreckage thinking.."what now?"

I dont have the answers or any form of resolution, so i did what i know how to do. I put on my nikes and ran, the sound of the world softened by music. I tried to imagine that the harder I ran, the harder I pushed the problems/anxiety from my body and my mind. Running is amazing and without it...I don't think I could function. It was amazing, looking at the orange-cicle sunset, feeling the stillness of the desert and the strength of my body. Nothing could touch me. I envied myself, my freedom.

I don't really know where my life is at.

I know i'm 21 years old, in college, with a great family, minute health problems, and a substantial education to fall back on. I know that I want to be a writer, write books that are honest..real. I also, don't believe in my writing , don't think it's realistic. So...I want to be a lawyer. But i fear rejection and I fear mediocrity, or being caught at mediocrity. So i'm terrified that I won't get into law school and I'll feel like an embarrassment. So what is one to do? Live in the moment, throw precaution to the wind, and like a tumbleweed just go where life takes me? I'm listening to Frou Frou, "Only got one" and I think they are onto something. It's your life, but you've only got one. And when I think about it like that, why am I going to get lost in the emotions of loss?

I wish I could be one of the "withouts" the people I think of who lack substance. They don't really think too much of their actions and the ramifications on other people. You can tell them you have Cancer and they will console you, all the while thinking in their mind "thank god its not me." The withouts...they get by, don't they? I just want to get by without all this emotional baggage and mind games. But the withouts don't have passion like I do. I love writing, I love learning, and i'm inspired by love, whether it is lost or gained.

All my friends, keep reiterating the fact that I should just think about myself for awhile. Kenny says that i'll never be the person who doesn't think about others or take on their problems as my own. Why can't i be wreckless and spontaneous. I guess if we were all wreckless and spontaneous the world would fall apart. It needs structure as much as it needs spontaneous action. There is a balance, I just need to find someone who is willing to be my balance. And until they come around and provide me some excitement, i'm going to lose my heartache in bikram yoga, running, and appreciating the people who stick around through it all. Hmm..what would Mom say? She would say I'm really fortunate..a princess..and nobody should make me feel like anything less. So i'm going to heed that advice, be queen of my own chaos and love it because its mine, and it's all i've got.

And it all sounds like bullshit..maybe some day I'll write it and really believe it.

He's just not that into you...screwed us all

I can't sleep...too much on my mind. Jamie and Nicky just left--and it's amazing how the world comes full circle. We had a really entertaining and insightful discussion about relationships and the challenges that come along with the package.

Sometimes I feel that i'm plagued by the four steps forward, three steps back process. I can't make up my mind about anything. Am i ready for another relationship? I know this is juvenile, but they are legitimate thoughts in my head. I know that if Nicky or Kenny was saying this to me i'd tell them that you can't live your life afraid of getting hurt, because we all get hurt; but you get back up and move on. Saying that made me feel slightly more empowered BUT It scares me, to go through the turbulence and drama that a relationship can bring into your life. It was so hard for me to look at eric's side of the bed everynight and miss the essence of him..just being around and making me laugh. The idea of eric and i , the whole proposal after we graduated and the white picket fence fairytale. You forget the pain and the tears when you look back on things, but for some reason i can't forget the feeling of loneliness and isolation I experienced when he was incapable and insensitive enough not to be there for me when I genuinely needed something stable in my life. I never want to feel that lonely around other people again and it scares me that if I let the wrong people into my life, they will take me forgranted just like eric did..

I tend to let myself stay loyal for too long (i can't just leave jill, i have like 40 cds in his truck) and I can't seem to find someone who is as loyal and dedicated as I am to the idea of "you and me." I would rather be single and free floating than with someone who is not giving me what I deserve. I'm tired of being the driving force of a successful relationship, for once I want someone who is strong enough as a person to lean on me and let me lean on them...sometimes.

Now i'm absolutely afraid of becoming codependant on someone or expressing my needs out of a "relationship"--But reality is, I do, like most girls, expect a phone call a day if i'm in a relationship at the very least, realistically "He's just not that into you" was onto something. Nowadays, the average girl is so paranoid to be the clingy one in a relationship after reading that modern day dating advice that you automatically assume he isn't interested and if he is dating you, he MUST be atleast dating 4 other people so you should too. I don't know when old fashioned courting became all about getting laid and being a "player." If I never hear the word "Player" again, i'll be happy. Honest, fundamental relationships turned into a sport. We are so caught up in games we forget to put ourselves out there and be vulnerable. Sadly, i'm not sure i've given up the games just yet--because I don't want to be the only one not playing them.

London-- a week later :)

London is so busy busy! It's the official town of busybacksoon. I have seen the British museum (amazing) all of the west end (westminster, parliament, buckingham palace, big ben!) then the Tate museum, Madame Tussauds, the London Aquarium, Regent Park, Queen Anne's gradens, Leicester Square, Piccadilly Circus, Oxford Circus, Avenue Gardens, Richmond..including my favorite place in the whole entire world, Richmond Park. It was really my sanctuary. various little shops and restaurants (my favorite is Cafe Rouge)

We are staying at Furnival house on Highgate Hill which is an upperclass suburban area, complete with the cliche rosegardens and ancient brick townhomes. It's really beautiful--just far from downtown, it takes us about an hour on the tubes to get to Regent park where my class is at for journalism.

The weather is definitely an adjustment, everyone came with summer clothes, tanks tops and dresses--yet all we are wearing is sweat pants, jeans, and sweatshirts, really cute. But it's amazing--sometimes when i'm walking i tune out all the traffic and i just think that i'm here, on my own, making it work.

This weekend we are trying to go to Scotland and hopefully Brussels as well. And then next week we need to go see Wicked and maybe another play, it's definitely going to be a mad dash to the finish line here. I want to get on the plane home, exhausted and in still confused about where I am and where i've been.

I had a really good talk with Hanna last night about relationships and life in general. It's really hard to let go of the past or your memories of someone. Eric has been sending me really sweet messages, but at the same time, he really undermined our relationship for a long long long time and beyond a friendship I can't ever see it happening again. The support system I want just wasn't there.

After class i'm going to the harry potter premier with Linda, simply because I might as well do something random in london and then i think i'm going to walk to highgate cemetery, see if i can drag hanna out of bed. I think i'll stay in tonight..only because tomorrow should be a drunk fest? in fact, it has to be!