New book idea, more chapter 1's and 2's to follow i'm sure.

The goosebumps prickled up one by one until the hairs on her wet neck stood erect, waiting. Her ears strained to hear the sounds around her in the destitute darkness. The lump in her throat rose and bulged, she crumpled down against the cold wall bringing her scraped knees to her chest. Her shaking fingers extended up and over, feeling the dampness of her own blood..still warm. A sudden sob escaped her chapped lips followed by stomach bile, she keeled over away from her small spot choking on her own vomit, the taste was unlike anything--it tasted like pure acid and it burned her throat until it projected into a seething stink on the matted carpet. She thought of the time when she was a little girl and her mother would hold her hair back and softly stroke her back, whispering soothing murmurs in her ear.

Just breathe.

She wiped the remnants from her mouth with her cardigan sleeve. She could only imagine how much her bestfriend would reprimand her if she knew she had wiped vomit on her favorite Bebe sweater. She's going to kill me when she notices that I borrowed it without asking. That used to be the worst thing that could happen.

She blinked her eyes a couple of times, red and crusted from all the crying. Still nothingness, she gathered she must be in a room with no windows or real door because there was no air flow and not even the slightest crack of light. Perhaps a basement? But where were there houses with basements in Arizona? Nothing made sense anymore, who knew if she was even in Arizona anymore.

She propped herself up, getting dizzy and then again bracing herself against the wall slab. This is what it is to be blind. --What if I am blind?-- she put her hand infront of her face trying to detect any movement..--I can't be blind, this isn't real. This can't be real-- She swiveled her hands in various motions and then touched her face..--I'm not blind, i'm in a dark room. A fucking trap-- she patted the walls trying to find any semblance of a shape. She could no longer sit, puking and crying. Her situation had not changed in what felt like days, weeks, months. She knew she had not eaten so it could not have been more than 3 days. She was still bloated from the sushi her boyfriend had made her eat, fucking tempura. She put one foot tentatively infront of the other and glided slowly against the outline of the wall, shimmying her hands and feet as subtly as she could fearing any kind of secret booby trap like she had seen so many times in cliche movies like The Goonies. There were no imperfections on the walls, just a smooth cool surface--it felt like concrete. What kind of room has a carpet floor and concrete walls? After moving along the perimeter she figured she was in a small square room, a rat in a box. She slinked down the wall onto the floor, covering her nose with her blouse, even the smell of her own bile was better than the smell coming from the floor. She pawed one hand around the area she was crawling on--nothing. She crawled forward in what she decided was toward the side wall--what the hell is that smell? It reminded her of a frat party the next morning, old beer and throw up baking in the sun. Nothing was worse than the smell of boiling vodka..except cadavres. She snapped backwards onto her bottom, covering her mouth as she screamed --There is someone...something..dead in here--she recoiled into her safe corner crying until she thought her stomach was going to come out of her mouth, she kicked her feet and banged on the wall--who the fuck are you?! you sick mother fucker!! What the fuck is this?! WHO IS IN HERE?!--she tucked her face into her shirt, hoping to disappear..this isn't real, this isn't real! She slapped her own arm, pinching her pale forearms as hard as she could--wake up Keira, wake up!!--

i <3 cheesy love quotes

That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time. To truly love something, you must first give it a chance to fail

So I got dumped?

For the past week or so i've been doing alot of thinking, ruminating about my life and inability to be content spending time totally alone. It really sucks. I feel like the past is creeping up on me like a bad dream that doesn't go away as hard as you try to think about other things.

I thought that perhaps I was manifesting my inability to be laidback with other issues into my relationship -- I think sometimes we make too many excuses for people instead of getting the answer that we don't want to hear.

I have never really been broken up with, particularly as an adult? It's a very humbling experience. However, I do have to tell you that this reaffirms my belief that I am psychic or blessed with crazy intution. I knew last night that something was up, even before I saw him. It just wasn't working, I guess if he wouldn't have done it--I would have eventually manned up and done it myself.

So yeah..breaking up--kinda like I just feel cold hard rejection. ouch..and it stings. I know that i've done this to alot of guys..and dt definitely handled it better than I would have or had. I'm more about the...cant hang out..can't talk approach. which is pretty immature but it keeps me from having to confront an awkward situation. I guess in the end I wasn't really into it anyhow.

Even before this whole thing transpired I was feeling disdain towards the whole college dating scene. I can't do the casual hook up thing, it's just not me and it's not fulfilling. I'm really careful about how much I put into a relationship in fear that the rug is going to be pulled out from underneath me--sadly this time my gut was right. I was hoping that my lack of bond/connection would culminate after we spent more time together but that didn't happen and maybe it never would have happened. Did i make a mistake? At the time when DT came into the picture I was talking to J and W and I probably didn't handle myself the best way about cutting things off. You just can't help but wonder if you passed up a good thing. I just feel like I should have listened to my own intuition instead of making excuses and giving it a chance. Can i just meet someone who is...great? lol that sounds weird..but guys can just be so lame. It isn't really a big deal..this being broken up with thing.. 2 years with eric vs. 1 month with denton.

Trying to get to know him was like pulling teeth and that's messed up on multiple levels but yet the FIXER in me wanted to make it work, to get to know the inner workings. But maybe there really wasn't much there? It's hard to fathom thus far.

I'm tired of dating..i'm tired of the wrong guy. I'm tired of mixed signals..and kind of burnt out on--well, dating. I kind of like doing my own thing better--i need to find someone as independent as I am.

When it comes down to it I have this overwhelming urge to get out of here, get to europe, travel and backpack in order escape

PS: I decided what my halloween costume will be--Britney Spears from her tragic VMA performance. I think the idea makes me just a little too excited :)

On the past..

I am reading Waterland and The Heart of Darkness which I should have read a long time ago. I finally finished "The Bluest Eye" by Toni Morrison and when it's very quiet I still think of the words and the lines and what an emotional book it was. Some people are so talented--they can move you and shape you with their words. Anyways, Graham Swift is different. My eyes lull over his words and I feel like i'm not getting it. The story is fractional and jumps over a span between 1940 and 1980. He is a history teacher who is being forced to retire because the world should not dwell on the past but live in the here and now...sad I guess.

The past is a foreign country, they do things differently there.

I used to think that was true but now i have my doubts. How much is the past apart of your present? I was reading an article yesterday that talked about how divorce affects children. My father is probably the sorest subject for me, not because I lack any amount of love for him, but perhaps because I love him too much for what he should be instead of what he is to me. It basically said that since my parents were divorced when I was a child, i've never grown up with the idea of what a workable marriage is. I flee rather than fight, the moment things look like they are getting ugly i'm out the door because I don't know how to fight without it being bitter. Hmm..this could be true. One time when I was suffering from lack of sleep and got emotional in highschool I told Erin I get scared that i'll never be married or happy in a relationship because I don't know what THAT is. My parents don't talk to eachother, and my mom still to this day won't tell me the most saddening pieces of the end of their marriage. I don't think I could handle knowing. It's just interesting how we stumble upon the world and fumble about bounding into things like bees, only later to be realize "Oh..this is where that scar or that bruise" comes from. bruise upon bruise.

He really left me.

What am i so afraid of? Today was tough, tough on a variety of levels. Firstly, i had one of thoooose days, where you contemplate hiding in your sheets all day and shutting the world out for a few hours.

Anyways--I finally got out of bed and went to class..wanted to gouge out my eyes from boredom. so bored. so boring. when students just sit and stare at the teacher with blank, disinterested face, there could be nothing worse to me. Just let us leave. Obviously we aren't getting anywhere. If only it were that easy.

Then in my international relations class after getting an earful/anxiety attack for our midterm grades..i'm terrified, i really tried. I did the study guide, didn't go out all weekend..and then of course to make me all the more optimistic i got a 14/20 on my outline, so depressing. sooooo depressing. it was just the icing on the cake, you know? You give us an "example paper" on foreign policy by using the country of Mars. hi-lar-ious. thanks for nothing and no direction.

I know i'm being negative and i know i'm being really negative when i get tough love from thelma on the homefront. I know i have a silver spoon in my mouth and no financial responsibilities (tuition, my car, my rent, my insurance, london..hawaii) Is there a rehab for impulsive spenders? Forget the coc or drinking, I need one for an inability to cope. Atleast i'm not turning to the hard stuff haha..I guess shopping is pretty harmless? I haven't even done it, I just THINK about it. But i guess it's empty fulfillment after all. I have clothes I haven't even worn. There in lies the hilarity..I'm so lame sometimes. I'm replacing something i can't replace.

So here it is, the root of the root , the bud of the bud. I'm struggling with everything from my last name to my grandma. I hate writing about this stuff because it's too real; have you ever kept something under the surface so you yourself didn't have to confront it? I'm a master at it. After feeling completely embarrassed by my feeling of abandonment last semester i'm terrified of being seen as weak or self-pitying. I think what happened with eric traumatized me. between him and my dad i'm waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me at all times...it's a really horrible feeling to be so afraid of life happening to you. I guess that's really it--i'm afraid of what's next. I'm still coping with what already happened. I feel like i'm always trying to be tough because that's what you're supposed to be but i'm kind of tired of faking it all the time. Maybe after all they were right, sometimes it's harder to smile when all you need to do is cry.

So writing that didn't really help. My life is pretty damn blessed..and i'm genuinely so happy 90% of the time. So the rational part can't sit here and cry at midnight. It's too depressing, irrational and lonely. I wish I could just get rid of all these feelings about my dad. I wish I could feel how i say I feel about it. That i'm better off without him in my life and what kind of father doesn't want/love their daughter? It's just so mind boggling that he's really gone. He really left me. I should be stronger than this..I've got to be.

The latest from my imagination

"Throwing pennies in a fountain"


The illuminated black pavement rolled underneath her car as she shifted into fourth gear, the wipers worked to no avail as the raindrops pelted the windshield. Turn green, turn green! She slammed on the brakes as her car jilted to a stop followed by an unsettled groan. The red light appeared smeared through the window, squinting she attempted to read the street sign, Where the hell am I? There were no other cars on the road, the emptiness of the streets created an eerie feeling that was followed by the goose bumps prickling on her pale neck and arms. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath—1:30 in the morning.

According to her mother this was when all the crazy rapists, drug addicts and loonies were about, but still early enough before the drunks were on the road. She laughed to herself If only she knew that I was comforting myself with her ridiculous warnings about safe driving etiquette. She propped her head up on her elbow and looked out the window biting her lip. Sometimes we search for answers by looking outside instead of looking within ourselves.

The music in the car was drowned out by the thoughts ruminating in her head. Why? It was the question that always surfaced in the moments when she was alone, and the one question she tried to think about the least because there was no real answer. It felt like an eternity before her car finally eased into the wet driveway, the headlights lingering on the garage door. It never ceased to amaze her how quickly the ivy grew, it continued extending and growing no matter how much her mother cut it back. It was determined.

She unbuckled her seat belt, eagerly looking at her brother “We’re here! We’re here!” She bounded out of her seat, before quickly turning back to grab her small bag from the floor “oops” looking to her brother apologetically with a forgetful smile. “Come on, we should try and be the first ones off or Dad will think we missed our flight” the words sounded severe to her ears, he was only 10 but her brother could sound like an adult when it came to these moments. He pushed ahead of her with the confidence of being the oldest. Tagging along behind him she waved goodbye to the stewardesses, it always made her feel important when they noticed her. They hurried through the airport, smiling ear to ear and walking quicker with each step, “Do you think Dad is going to be standing at the front?” her big blue eyes inquired. Her brother was silent for a moment, looking ahead before answering her “He usually stands towards the back.” Once she saw the crowd, her heart pounded in her chest—would he recognize her? She had grown since Christmas and had her mom tie her hair into a ponytail before she left. Her eyes raced through the crowd to look for the black hair and easy stance of her father. She followed behind him, nervous with anticipation and then finally moved in front of him to search through the strange faces and then she heard the familiar voice of her father calling their names, eagerly she bounded towards him as he leaned down and scooped up her brother and she in a hug.

The tear rolled down her cheek as she stared in front of her letting out strained laugh, tightening her mouth and taking a deep breath before wiping the tears and tilting her head back against the headrest. Get it together. It was always in these moments that the ache consumed her chest till it felt like an asthma attack. She sucked in the hot air of the summer as she opened the car door, walking to the illuminated front door. Her mother always left the lights on when she knew she was going to be home late, a sign of forgiveness, or maybe just a natural instinct of parenting, she could never really figure it out. She quietly let the door shut behind her, running her fingers to smooth down her hair. Sometimes she wondered if her mother knew what she had been doing, or with what guy. They would never guess he would be her type. Turning off the front porch light she found her way through the darkness, taking off her shoes to sneak up the stairs and into the safety of her room. It was a habit now, dropping her purse to the floor as the contents of lip gloss and receipts trickled out. Robotically she threw on her pajamas from the night before and went into the bathroom tying her hair back and washing her face. She looked up from the sink and stared into her foreign reflection, arching her neck to check for traces of him. Slut. She shook her head and wiped off the remnants of her mascara, maybe in the morning this would be a distant memory. She still felt the alcohol, crawling under the cold sheets and downing the hot water next to her bed. She closed her heavy eyes and tried to shake the image of his face.

His big brown eyes stared down at her, his pale skin freckled and slightly sick looking probably the cigarettes..she reached behind his head and pulled his thin lips up against hers, he was hungry and she could feel it. She felt empowered as he eased ontop of her, it didn’t feel right but nothing did anymore anyway. His hands groped over her body and it felt intrusive. She drowned out the sounds of the party going on in the kitchen, or maybe it was the jager. She tried to focus her eyes and get her bearings, were they in his parents’ room? She hated the way he bit her lips but she cinched her eyes and try to take control of the kiss again. She opened her eyes only to meet his, he looked..passionate. Her hands moved down his lanky frame, he was much thinner than the athletes she usually went for but it didn’t matter, he was the best of what was around and something in her wanted to have him. She lengthened her arms and stretched out her torso in a catlike motion, releasing a yawn midkiss…”I have to go home…sorry” the smile came easily to her as she rolled over onto her side, knowing he would pull her back, just like she wanted. They were all the same. It was like riding a bike, you had what they wanted and of course they would try their best to get it. He poured himself onto her, surprising her with slight dominance but not enough to really turn her on. “You’re such an amazing kisser,” he whispered into her ear as she nibbled on her lobe and sloppily kissed at her neck not knowing that she really liked it softly. “God, you’re body is soooo sexy” she kissed him harder, tasting the cigarettes on his breath and feeling the roughness of his jeans with her fingers. She pushed down on his chest and straddled him, “Mmm..thanks. But I really have to go. It’s late.” He finally consented and followed her sulkily out the front door and into the courtyard where some of the stragglers were smoking a cigarette and finishing their beer, she waved her hand lightly, “Nice meeting you” with a bashful smile, keys in hand, slipping out the front gate and avoiding eye contact. He pushed her up against her SUV and took another attempt at wooing her to stay, but she clumsily climbed into her car, not even noticing the side mirror was hanging off. “Drive safely. I’m glad you came over,” he said coolly. He thought he was the shit now, damnit, they always thought they were something special when she let them get on top of her. “Yeah it was fun. I’ll talk to you later” she smiled and started the ignition, shutting the door and pulling out abruptly. She wasn’t even sure how to get home. She wasn’t even sure if she was going to talk to him again, she hardly even knew him.

Her stomach jolted as she pulled the sheets up higher to her chin, shutting her eyes tightly wishing she could shut out the whole night. Why did she always end up in the same situation? Now she would have to see him at work and it would be awkward. The vivacious, sassy, seductive and rebellious girl he met tonight was not really her. It was a part of her, an angry part. She groaned and threw off the sheets again and walked across the cold wooden floor to her desk drawer. She slowly pulled it out and eyed the bottle of vicodin. Normally she could fall asleep when she had been drinking, but tonight everytime she closed her eyes it was like a black and white movie of her sexual exploits. Her thoughts raced back to calculate how much she had had to drink, she remembered sitting on his lap during the poker game and giggling because she couldn’t make out the image of the card clearly. She remembered shot gunning at least 5 jager bombs, the goose bumps resurfaced when she pictured his eyes staring at her over his shot glass, watching her smugly chug her drink. She quickly popped the pill into her mouth and scrunched her nose as the bitter taste of the pill remained on her tongue, unable to swallow it down but the tart taste stayed in her mouth, typical, that’s what you get for being one of them. She paced the room for a couple of minutes, looking out the door of her room that connected to the porch. She crept out, the darkness enveloping her like an old friend. Normally the lonely howl of the wolves would have scared her, but tonight she found it comforting. She laughed again as she tapped the package of cigarettes against her palm before lighting it up and taking a long, slow drag. The smoke oozed from her lips and dissipated into the night. She looked up at the glimmering stars, oh how things have changed.


She got up on the plane to go use the restroom, discretely bringing her makeup bag with her, hoping no one would find it suspicious. She always got awkward in the least awkward situations. For some reason she felt that taking a makeup bag into a bathroom would seem strange and vain. Nonchalantly walking down the narrow aisle, the stench of stale air filled her lungs and she couldn’t help but wince at the crying child and sleeping businessmen; every flight was the same. In truth, she was envious of the people with a child, to be able to love something more than yourself—she didn’t know what that was like. And, the businessmen, because they could sleep on a plane and not be awake thinking of 1000 different ways the plane could crash and you could die. And if you lived, would you be one of the leaders or would you be one of the followers that die first? Maybe eaten? People could turn cannibalistic in desperate situations. Someone had told her that they believed people had the innate instinct to kill, she didn’t believe it at the time but now that she had the plane crash scenario she thought she could kill someone if they attempted to sacrifice her to island gods or whatever else happens these days. She shook her head, closing the door of the bathroom behind her. Solitude. The bathroom is the only place you can get solitude on a plane. It smells like cheap soap. She wondered if anyone had ever had sex in this very bathroom and if they had, she was envious of them. She had always wanted to be the type of girl to have sex in an airplane bathroom, but she was too practical. It would be uncomfortable and people would know they would then know that she was in fact a slut. She took out her simple make up bag, and redid her eye makeup. She liked wearing a lot of eye make up, like Priscilla Presley. Priscilla had it made, this superstar fell in love with her when she was 13 years old in Germany. She must have done something right, she believed it was the dramatic eye make up. She looked into her blue eyes, the same eyes of the little girl that used to rush to see her Dad was now rushing to see her boyfriend. She always saw the couples at the airport that run to eachother, the guy holding the bouquet of beautiful roses and the girl being the eye candy of all the lonely men at the airport bar. How she envied them.

He would probably have flowers, anxiously waiting for her—looking to see which one was her and anticipate how she would look. Decidedly, she sat down in her seat and got that familiar excited feeling as the wheels hit the ground and she breathed easy knowing that the last opportunity for the plane to crash was gone. She took her time getting off the flight, wanting him to be anticipating her arrival. As she rounded the corner where everyone was waiting, the tall brunette in the high heels ran to her boyfriend and he hugged her as if he was never going to let her go. Her boyfriend was nowhere to be found…traffic. She stood in baggage claim feeling uncomfortable and disappointed. Finally she got the call he was out on the curb in the white Acura. She stepped out into the sunlight, lugging her heavy bags to the car, a big smile creeping onto her face. He never got out of the car; he popped the trunk for her to put her bags in.

She curled up on the chaise lounge, pulling the blanket she had wrapped around her shoulders tighter. It was amazing how in the middle of the summer you could be so cold. She looked over the endless amount of trees dotting the landscape, no movement, no rustling leaves. I wonder if anyone, anywhere is doing the same thing right now. Probably not. She pulled the cigarette away from her lips and studied the rim, blood. Flipping it out into the dirt, she stood up and stretched. Her lids felt heavy as they closed over her eyes, straining to keep them open she fumbled through the porch door and rag dolled down onto her bed.

Sunday nights

The rain is pelting on the windows and soaking everything outside..I love the smell of tucson rain.

I went on a great run tonight down greasewood, I saw a rainbow between the massive gray clouds and a beautiful sunset with hot pink and orange standing out from the bland rainy sky. It was so nice to be out with just the sound of my music, my feet against the pavement and my thoughts. A lot of people don't like running and I figured out what it is about running that I love so much. The only person that can keep me going is me, I can sprint out anger, run away from anybody, leave the whole world behind in my dust. The burn of my lungs and tension in my muscles is the most healing feeling, it's like letting out everything that makes you seethe in a 45 minute period.

Anyways this weekend was really enlightening and strange at the same time. I got work off Thursday and ended up going to denton's and hanging out. He seems like such a genuine person and it's so refreshing not to feel like it's another douchebag just trying to get down my pants..as cliche as that sounds.

Speaking of duplicitous people..KEVIN texted me on saturday. I haven't spoken to him since before May..so what is the point of texting me..i obviously have no desire to even maintain a friendship. Anybody who is sketch..can leave me be. I'm too upfront and honest to deal with people who are deceptive. I felt awkward because Denton was with me..I think to someone who doesn't know where i'm coming from, I could be construed as all over the place. I've been keeping to myself lately, it's not that I want to be spending time with anybody..it's that I want to be spending time with somebody. FYI to any girl in the world..being single is a better place than settling or putting up with more drama than you have to.

In general I wish I...well whatever, I guess I still play games... I guess we all play games. but shoot, dating is so awkward! it's too soon to be on a close knit basis, but at the same time I feel like I have no footing and don't know how to act or where my boundaries are. Maybe that's the fun of it or something.

Something that has been nagging me is that Kenny made a comment that I just need to be single for longer.. It gets under my skin because I have always been irritated with women who can't be independent without a man in their life. I know this more than anyone, i've had to be independent my entire life. My mom is amazing..if she were still allowing herself to be dependant on my father--where would she be? Please. I think in actuality i'm too independent to be in a relationship. I like doing my own thing, and if a guy fits..great..if not..I'm good :)

I'm having a mid-college crisis.

Shoot!

It just hit me that i'm not going to be returning to UA in the fall, living with my roomates, going to classes, and going to football games. This is it. Is that all there is?

I had a meeting with my prelaw advisor this morning and apparently it looks like my timeline is as follows

1. LSATS December 1st
2. Teach for America application
3. GRE test for graduate school
4. Law School applications in fall 08
5. Summer 08--getting a real job and living at home (AAAAAAAAAAH!)

I feel overwhelmed? Shit. I went to the career services department at the UA and "allegedly" with my bachelors in English I can pursue multiple careers, even (gasp) business. So I think it would be in my best interest to get a legit job over the summer..could you imagine if i got a job at a newspaper or news station? I would start crying and kissing the ground. I know that I do NOT see myself in a 8-5 job working in a cubicle. Not for me. I need to know that my job will be different day to day and with different people and implementing creative forces. Otherwise i think i'd start losing my mind and spinning around in my chair, or throwing paper airplanes at innocent co-workers.

I just feel like i'm too young for these decisions..haha i'm going to be like the 30 year old loser who is like "wait..this is when i'm supposed to grow up?"

Anyways, I just talked to kenny and allison and it really helped to bounce ideas off other people. Realistically it's a better plan for me not to be going to law school til fall 09 because i can get an internship at a lawfirm and get a feel for it. I always do want to apply to a newspaper..i'd love to be a writer..I guess it's my real dream anyhow.

Queen of my own chaos

Life never ceases to suprise me. As I sit here, on a pile of comforters and pillows, I'm queen of my own chaos...I can't help but throw in the towel. It's a half-hearted cop out.

Today felt like the storm that I saw coming, but didn't bother to really prepare for. I woke up with a severe migraine, unable to sleep all night from the sweats and rampant anxiety/insomnia. It's so frustrating, my body is my worst enemy right now. Either way, today the vision was better but then again I wasn't attempting to climb Camelback while seeing blurry images. It's amazing, that to better my life by stopping the medication, i've caused quite a disruption. I get so frustrated, like i'm trapped in someone else's nightmare.

Today I gave up..had a "pity party" and cried {insert gag..sigh..and gag again here}, it always makes me feel terrible when I cry. You feel the tears drop and roll off your cheeks but you don't get a release. So I wrote a letter that said what I felt, tentative and vulnerable, I think after all is said and done it was only fair to myself. I still feel shocked, like watching a train crash at 100 mph and just staring at the wreckage thinking.."what now?"

I dont have the answers or any form of resolution, so i did what i know how to do. I put on my nikes and ran, the sound of the world softened by music. I tried to imagine that the harder I ran, the harder I pushed the problems/anxiety from my body and my mind. Running is amazing and without it...I don't think I could function. It was amazing, looking at the orange-cicle sunset, feeling the stillness of the desert and the strength of my body. Nothing could touch me. I envied myself, my freedom.

I don't really know where my life is at.

I know i'm 21 years old, in college, with a great family, minute health problems, and a substantial education to fall back on. I know that I want to be a writer, write books that are honest..real. I also, don't believe in my writing , don't think it's realistic. So...I want to be a lawyer. But i fear rejection and I fear mediocrity, or being caught at mediocrity. So i'm terrified that I won't get into law school and I'll feel like an embarrassment. So what is one to do? Live in the moment, throw precaution to the wind, and like a tumbleweed just go where life takes me? I'm listening to Frou Frou, "Only got one" and I think they are onto something. It's your life, but you've only got one. And when I think about it like that, why am I going to get lost in the emotions of loss?

I wish I could be one of the "withouts" the people I think of who lack substance. They don't really think too much of their actions and the ramifications on other people. You can tell them you have Cancer and they will console you, all the while thinking in their mind "thank god its not me." The withouts...they get by, don't they? I just want to get by without all this emotional baggage and mind games. But the withouts don't have passion like I do. I love writing, I love learning, and i'm inspired by love, whether it is lost or gained.

All my friends, keep reiterating the fact that I should just think about myself for awhile. Kenny says that i'll never be the person who doesn't think about others or take on their problems as my own. Why can't i be wreckless and spontaneous. I guess if we were all wreckless and spontaneous the world would fall apart. It needs structure as much as it needs spontaneous action. There is a balance, I just need to find someone who is willing to be my balance. And until they come around and provide me some excitement, i'm going to lose my heartache in bikram yoga, running, and appreciating the people who stick around through it all. Hmm..what would Mom say? She would say I'm really fortunate..a princess..and nobody should make me feel like anything less. So i'm going to heed that advice, be queen of my own chaos and love it because its mine, and it's all i've got.

And it all sounds like bullshit..maybe some day I'll write it and really believe it.

He's just not that into you...screwed us all

I can't sleep...too much on my mind. Jamie and Nicky just left--and it's amazing how the world comes full circle. We had a really entertaining and insightful discussion about relationships and the challenges that come along with the package.

Sometimes I feel that i'm plagued by the four steps forward, three steps back process. I can't make up my mind about anything. Am i ready for another relationship? I know this is juvenile, but they are legitimate thoughts in my head. I know that if Nicky or Kenny was saying this to me i'd tell them that you can't live your life afraid of getting hurt, because we all get hurt; but you get back up and move on. Saying that made me feel slightly more empowered BUT It scares me, to go through the turbulence and drama that a relationship can bring into your life. It was so hard for me to look at eric's side of the bed everynight and miss the essence of him..just being around and making me laugh. The idea of eric and i , the whole proposal after we graduated and the white picket fence fairytale. You forget the pain and the tears when you look back on things, but for some reason i can't forget the feeling of loneliness and isolation I experienced when he was incapable and insensitive enough not to be there for me when I genuinely needed something stable in my life. I never want to feel that lonely around other people again and it scares me that if I let the wrong people into my life, they will take me forgranted just like eric did..

I tend to let myself stay loyal for too long (i can't just leave jill, i have like 40 cds in his truck) and I can't seem to find someone who is as loyal and dedicated as I am to the idea of "you and me." I would rather be single and free floating than with someone who is not giving me what I deserve. I'm tired of being the driving force of a successful relationship, for once I want someone who is strong enough as a person to lean on me and let me lean on them...sometimes.

Now i'm absolutely afraid of becoming codependant on someone or expressing my needs out of a "relationship"--But reality is, I do, like most girls, expect a phone call a day if i'm in a relationship at the very least, realistically "He's just not that into you" was onto something. Nowadays, the average girl is so paranoid to be the clingy one in a relationship after reading that modern day dating advice that you automatically assume he isn't interested and if he is dating you, he MUST be atleast dating 4 other people so you should too. I don't know when old fashioned courting became all about getting laid and being a "player." If I never hear the word "Player" again, i'll be happy. Honest, fundamental relationships turned into a sport. We are so caught up in games we forget to put ourselves out there and be vulnerable. Sadly, i'm not sure i've given up the games just yet--because I don't want to be the only one not playing them.

London-- a week later :)

London is so busy busy! It's the official town of busybacksoon. I have seen the British museum (amazing) all of the west end (westminster, parliament, buckingham palace, big ben!) then the Tate museum, Madame Tussauds, the London Aquarium, Regent Park, Queen Anne's gradens, Leicester Square, Piccadilly Circus, Oxford Circus, Avenue Gardens, Richmond..including my favorite place in the whole entire world, Richmond Park. It was really my sanctuary. various little shops and restaurants (my favorite is Cafe Rouge)

We are staying at Furnival house on Highgate Hill which is an upperclass suburban area, complete with the cliche rosegardens and ancient brick townhomes. It's really beautiful--just far from downtown, it takes us about an hour on the tubes to get to Regent park where my class is at for journalism.

The weather is definitely an adjustment, everyone came with summer clothes, tanks tops and dresses--yet all we are wearing is sweat pants, jeans, and sweatshirts, really cute. But it's amazing--sometimes when i'm walking i tune out all the traffic and i just think that i'm here, on my own, making it work.

This weekend we are trying to go to Scotland and hopefully Brussels as well. And then next week we need to go see Wicked and maybe another play, it's definitely going to be a mad dash to the finish line here. I want to get on the plane home, exhausted and in still confused about where I am and where i've been.

I had a really good talk with Hanna last night about relationships and life in general. It's really hard to let go of the past or your memories of someone. Eric has been sending me really sweet messages, but at the same time, he really undermined our relationship for a long long long time and beyond a friendship I can't ever see it happening again. The support system I want just wasn't there.

After class i'm going to the harry potter premier with Linda, simply because I might as well do something random in london and then i think i'm going to walk to highgate cemetery, see if i can drag hanna out of bed. I think i'll stay in tonight..only because tomorrow should be a drunk fest? in fact, it has to be!

damn it feels good to be a gangsta'

I partially wish I was this inebriated again, Erin practically knocked me down (but thus the point of the power hour right?) Anyways..

I just got home from doing a fabulous whole lot of nothing with nick. We went to yardhouse and had a couple beers and productive small talk. Then we stalkerized the yardhouse parking lot, it's really entertaining to watch people leaving the bar and all their awkward engagements. Relationships/dates are awkward..and you can intuit quite a bit based on body language. One girl was attempting to entertain her "date" by showing him her awesome skills at spinning her purse really fast around her wrist. She's a winner.

I then realized that perhaps I am even MORE of a winner simply because of the fact that I was watching her from a car, partially buzzed at 1am.

I'm an insomniac lately--what are the chances it's because i'm nervous and unprepared for London? Hm..that's a toughie.

I'm hiking camelback tomorrow morning with a busted tailbone; but it's time. I feel pudgy and lazy. I was inspired by Jessica Simpson's bodily comeback and guess what..due to fiber! the 5 diet..eating 5 meals a day that have 5-10 g of fiber per meal..thus I felt bad about my cheesecake indulgence at dinner and had my fiber mix with orange juice before laying down.

Also, i'm wondering why i have been sleeping sideways lately without fully unmaking my bed--i wonder what my sleep style is suggesting..google time


Foetus--it's me!!!!!
Those who curl up in the foetus position are described as tough on the outside but sensitive at heart. They may be shy when they first meet somebody, but soon relax. This is the most common sleeping position, adopted by 41% of the 1,000 people who took part in the survey. More than twice as many women as men tend to adopt this position.


Log
Lying on your side with both arms down by your side. These sleepers are easy going, social people who like being part of the in-crowd, and who are trusting of strangers. However, they may be gullible.


Yearner
People who sleep on their side with both arms out in front are said to have an open nature, but can be suspicious, cynical. They are slow to make up their minds, but once they have taken a decision, they are unlikely ever to change it.


Soldier
Lying on your back with both arms pinned to your sides. People who sleep in this position are generally quiet and reserved. They don't like a fuss, but set themselves and others high standards.


Freefall
Lying on your front with your hands around the pillow, and your head turned to one side. Often gregarious and brash people, but can be nervy and thin-skinned underneath, and don't like criticism, or extreme situations.


Starfish
Lying on your back with both arms up around the pillow. These sleepers make good friends because they are always ready to listen to others, and offer help when needed. They generally don't like to be the centre of attention.

Tuesday morning

I know it'll be worth it when i'm in London going to the British Museum and seeing all the things i've been reading about. Today is the first day that i've been really excited about leaving. I just need to get away for awhile, find myself. It's funny that i think i'll find myself in an entirely new city..alone.

I think that people lose themselves in the mundane existence of the day to day. Particularly, when you are an over analyzer like me. I think I just need to put on the brakes for awhile. I want to be laid back and just let the waves wash over me. Going to London will enable me to just rely on myself for awhile and not get lost in the stresses of my life here. What is bothersome now is that Grandma will be being moved to the retirement home in Nevada when i'm in London. I just wish I was more powerful in the situation, capable of changing things and speaking my mind. Maybe that's part of growing up, learning to voice your thoughts and correct people when they are making selfish mistakes.

Yesterday Hilary and I sat on the floor of Barnes and Noble reading zodiac books, it's eerie how dead on they are. You may think this is funny, but I really believe in my horoscope and the information about my birth date. Believe it or not, it even said that taurus' are prone to throat problems..and hello i know i've had more doctor visits about my throat than I would like to remember. Plus they said that I have psychic abilities. I take pride in that :).

I did camelback mountain yesterday morning with Nick and it was fun, but it frustrates me how challenging it is sometimes. I expect it to be easy but everytime i'm at the halfway point it's a fight against mind over matter. I think it's something i'd like to do by myself opposed to with somebody else, I just need to sit and think. I really want to write an honest book, about my opinions through a character that's tangible to me instead of being so afraid to write something personal. Why should I hide my life--it's mine and it's me.

I didn't see it being like this?

I am sitting on my bed with my snoring dog..listening to music and wishing I was anywhere but here. I guess not alot has changed, it used to be eric snoring next to me and now it's my obese chihuahua. It's pretty funny, right?

I'm really tired of having so much on my plate. I have these moments of being so overwhelmed that it's hard to wake up in the morning. It scares me to think that I'm going back to how I was at the beginning of this semester. I'm happier alone than with anyone else--and if I choose to be social i'm drinking, more than I should. Drowning my sorrows in a shot of patron. Really productive and beneficial. I need someone or something positive in my life, something truly stable. I guess the only thing that I can rely on is myself--which is hard to do when you're over medicated and suddenly aware of all your obnoxious idiosyncrasies pointed out by a psychiatrist.

I'm frustrated. But i'm frustrated that i'm frustrated, I just want to be a normal, average person on the street with a big smile on their face and a bounce in their step. It's been too long pretending, "faking it til I make it" and to be honest i'm just agitated. I can't even say that whole heartedly either, because i'm not absolutely miserable. I like being in Scottsdale alot, even though Santa Fe was an amazing reprieve. But i'm very suspect of people, of everyone lately. I don't understand what happened to caring about strangers and people in general. I need to get out of here. I'm losing faith in the goodness of the average person. People perhaps have turned out to be more selfish than I could have imagined. My father chose his own pride over loving his daughter, Eric only thought of himself, and here I sit with the weight of the world on my shoulders with out anyone to share it with me. What the fuck happened to us?

My mom asked me if I was going to be going out the other night--of course the reason she asked was because she wanted to try and talk to me again about my grandmother. I just don't want to hear it, i want to pretend this isn't happening. My grandmother is barely holding on--she was so miserable in the recovery hospital after her stroke at christmas--wanting to be with her good friends in her garden, enjoying her belongings and her loved ones. Then my mom told me that grandma hardly knows where she is anymore and I just felt sick. I can't lose her and it's so unbelievably painful to hear her disgruntled on the phone and being pulled at like a ragdoll by all these selfish, awful, people. I want to fly out to california and give everyone a piece of my mind. It's just like when Lenna passed away and all my relatives turned money hungry, seeing green and pulling at my mother to go against Lenna's will. It's just disgusting. I just want to be with her and talk to her about London and traveling and school. I think I am starting to understand why my brother left for Colombia. He needed to escape. Grown tired of being used, and i'm sick and tired of all this STUFF.


If I had my life to live over, I'd dare to make more mistakes next time. I'd relax; I'd limber up. I would be sillier than I have been this trip. I would take fewer things seriously. I would take more chances. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.

You see, I'm one of those people who lived sensibly and sanely hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I had my moments, and if I had to do it over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after the other, instead of living so many years ahead of each day. I've been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat, and a parachute. If I had it to do over again, I would travel lighter than I have.

If I had my life to live over again, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would dance more; I would ride more merry-go-rounds. I would pick more daisies.

3 year relationship = bad dater.

After a 3 year relationship..I'm not a good "dater" as much as I'd like to pretend that I am. I feel guilty if i go out on dates with other people if i'm dating one person. Isn't that the point of being single? But i feel like i already found what i should be looking for, so what's the point in going on dates just for the mere entertainment of going out? idk if that even makes sense. I think, I suppose..before I stop going on "entertainment" dates I should make sure a relationship is honestly what I want. Or in fact if anybody even wants to be in a relationship with me, life is so damn complicated. no i take that back, relationships are so damn complicated. People are just like oceans, smooth and glistening with sharks swimming under the surface and riptides waiting to drown you. NOW that is cynical, i should be ashamed of myself but i'm not..entirely.

Sometimes I think too loud

I haven't written in awhile, i guess alot has been changing and going on and I don't like these thoughts fluttering around my mind.

I am leaving tucson tomorrow, in a completely different place than where I started. The year began with me thinking that I had found the person I would possibly spend the rest of my life with, I was a different person then...but it was a real feeling..tangible. Anyhow. This ball of life has been rolling and gaining speed and I feel that it finally hit me and i'm still trying to dig myself out of the hole it left me in. It knots my stomach and cinches my throat to say that on Mother's day my grandmother was asking my mom for lenna's number to call her and my mom had to tell her that she is the last one alive. It hurts to think of my grandma re-feeling that loss, it is something that I have been trying to push under the rug for so long and it seems that life never stops enough for me to catch my breath.

My dad sent me a card for my birthday, late. I wrestle with whether or not i'm grateful or bitter that he sent it. It's just so hard to deal with him being out of my life. It's hard to admit that his relationship was the one aspect of my life that i struggled with since childhood, always pining for his approval and to make him proud of me--to show him that girls can be bold and praise worthy too. I never would have thought that the little girl bounding off the plane, searching through strangers faces to find the arms of her hero would be sitting at a computer at 3 am, wanting to forget his face. The card left me speechless. I ripped it up and put it in the garbage. It disrupted the protective barrier I had coated myself in. The thing about these emotions that I'm confronting is that I'm afraid to let anyone in. I don't want them to see me cry or see me feel devastated. I don't want to feel those things. If people really cared they would ask. But nobody asks. I want to keep everyone at an arm's length and i'm so quick to turn my back on people the minute I feel they could hurt me or add complications. With guys in particular, I feel that the minute they show an action that could be perceived as negative i'm suddenly back to ground zero, ready to ignore their phone calls and all the feelings I allowed myself to feel.

I feel lately that it is my best interest to just float around, not allowing myself to feel anything deep for any one person in particular, but I can't help it and I thought I found a real connection, i liked the way it felt and i felt like someone saw through my layers and actually saw me for me. idk..I don't even feel comfortable writing it because part of me feels that i'm fooling myself into feeling something not necessarily genuinely there--I feel that guys aren't trustworthy and that they are going to disappoint me. They say one thing to me but have alternative intentions running under the surface. I have expectations of people and when they fail to do something I "need" them to do, i'm put off again. I know it is unfair of me to expect things from people if I am unwilling to ask.

I know that doesn't necessarily make sense, but for example today--I felt so overwhelmed. I wish that I could be a spontaneous, roll with the punches, go with the flow kind of person..but i'm not there yet. I try to follow the motto "fake it til you make it" but it takes time. I'm flabberghasted about the move, i'm not good at dealing with disorder and chaos. i'm so frustrated with the move and it hasn't even begun. my life is in boxes. waiting to be unpacked in a truck somewhere.

The painters were supposed to be working all this week and of course, they are arriving for the first time tomorrow to start painting with the deadline of monday when the movers come. So i have to bring Bella down tomorrow to an empty house to meet Zeus and deal with the stress of strangers in the house and a whole new location. My mom suggested..commanded lol that I find a place to stay because of the paint fumes but i'm just so agitated. Although it was undesirable to just sleep in the house and set up my bathroom and closet and just let bella and zeus run around the house, it was a plan and it was feasible. But now they have to be outside, hopefully not accidently let out and i have to drive zach and mom to the airport to go to Nevada til Sunday? It just seems like alot.

Although the semester is over, i'm still running things over in my mind about how disappointed i am with my academic performance..i feel like im not myself not matter how hard I try. I have moments where I feel a snippet of the old me and it's such a relief, a breath of fresh air, and then something comes and knocks me back down to my knees. I just want it to be over, for the world to pause all around me and allow me to tuck the issues away to never be found again. I wish someone could help me, just deal..but i'm totally alone.

Dealing with verizon today and attempting to facilitate my day for tomorrow was so exhausting and stressful on me, i wanted to have an empathetic ear to call and a hug to be had. I'm not one to ask for help, but today i just wanted to dig my heels into the ground and throw in the towel. Dating is..whatever. But getting invited to a bar just isn't my scene right now. I need quiet time and one on one time with people; it seems like i'm the only one who needs that..which defeats the purpose. Today is the first day in a long time that i felt unwillingly disappointed and lonely. It makes me want to shut everyone out and just go into solo mode. As much as I hate to say this, I know that i'm going to crawl back inside myself for awhile...i'm just not ready to deal with people in different places than I am. I want something great. I want..what i've always wanted..and i'm not ready to put myself out there emotionally.. it just doesn't seem to be happening..so i guess it's back to being solo. i've gotten pretty good at it by now :-/

Finals Week

So yes, what every college student across the nation has been anticipating has finally come. Finals week, the week where people eat like crap, feel like crap, and study until their brain feels like crap. Eloquent, but true.

I still don't understand the point of finals. Particularly, my personal hell, of my senior seminar. My teacher feels sorry for me because of my immune deficiency over the past semester. It's pretty sad how many times I have been sick; but stress will do that to you. Do you ever have the urge to spill your guts to a complete stranger; just to get it OUT. I'm going to call that brutally honest word vomit. It has a nice gross ring to it. Sometimes, when I feel that a person is awkward/bored around me I feel the need to share my life story with them...to get a reaction, to open communication? I'm not really sure. I guess it doesn't really matter--it's pointless rhetoric either way.

So today I met with Professor Epstein after class to discuss my final paper on George Eliot. The paper is comprised of 15 pages tracing the career of the novelist and Eliot's canon. Bor-ing. My troppe is consequence; specifically economic consequence, social consequence and finally moral consequence. Ultimately, in my paper i need to determine what ELIOT is doing and why consequence is important in her novels.

Basically when I left his office my head was spinning and i'm pretty sure i made the most awkward exist any student has ever pulled; I booked it. I put my notebook away, told him "I think it'll be great. No..I know it'll be great" i was pretty much maintaing a full on motivational speech to myself infront of my teacher. So not only does he think i'm unhealthy and sickly but probably mentally off balance as well. Maybe he'll feel sorry for me? haha it's just embarrassing, I wish I could have been a fly on the wall to watch myself make my dramatic exit. Oh the things people do when they are stressed.

Letting go isn't that easy

So obviously yesterday was hard and gave me a lot to think about. Eric and I went to dinner and it was the same conversation we have been going over for 2 months now. Basically he still refuses to take full accountability for his own actions and the negative impact that I had to receive because of that. A relationship requires two people to be fully devoted; when the other is down the other one should help pick them back up. I do not want a relationship where I have to always be the one to help the other out, particularly when my own world was crumbling all around me. Nothing has changed; my dad is still out of the picture, my grandma is on a day to day basis---but I'm dealing with things differently. I don't have the time to confront those issues right now but I know that eventually I will, and in the mean time I need to keep my head up and keep it together. The world doesn't stop for you.

But yeah, i'm brushing some things under the rug for now. I don't think I can be in a relationship with Eric if he cannot even genuinely apologize for what happened instead of just blaming me for breaking up with him.

I am going to pick up a new addition to the family, she is a little white chihuahua who hasn't had a home for awhile and i'm VERY excited. I can't wait to take my little buddy out on walks and home with me to north scottsdale to meet zeus, pax, and zoe. So yes, i'm really happy that my roomies are all so excited about the new puppy. She'll have lots of attention and lots of love :)

It took awhile to figure out she could run and when she did she was long..long gone.

Mornings are my favorite time of day. I have a routine then. I wake up, go put on a pot of coffee, have a piece of toast and cut up bananas and strawberries and sprinkle them into my cereal. Have fiber juice. Catch up on the world of television and have some quiet time. But then the rest of the day is...unpredictable. I opted not to go to class..I feel guilty about it, honestly. I'm either on point and focused or I am all over the place. God, i just want to shake myself. Snap out of it, wake up and get moving!!

Anyways, I went on yet another amazing run today. When i'm running I like to feel like i'm running from things...Escaping...running from the annoyances and frustrations of life. Running from the people that bring me down and kicking dust onto them. The difference between me in my real life and the me during my runs is that when i'm running, i'm moving past all the dilemmas, letting things go and going forward; but in my real life i'm frozen and drudging through the muck. muck. I can be pissed as all hell and when i get to the base of the hill, it fuels me, and I run and run and sprint and push off my feet as hard as i can so when I get to the top I feel like I pushed the anger out of me. And I take a deep breath and exhale all the tension in my body. out..out out and away into the air, somewhere away from me.

Emotions are a crazy thing, I suppose all the time I spent running in highschool from "real life," things caught up with me in college; I have to confront my father..and my issues with relationships and people..but I have never had to do that before and i'm lost.

I feel accomplished when I keep going, even though I'm tired and my legs are aching and my lungs are screaming for a minute of reprieve--but I keep pushing. Mind over matter..Mind over matter..it's my mantra these days. It's supposed to hurt, that's the challenge; overcoming the hurt to run another mile and another one after that. Finish the hill even though your hamstrings are sore--but you can keep going, that's the beauty of the human body. you can do amazing things; if only you allow yourself to go beyond the pain to something more..you just keep going. keep running until you decide that you are finished. and when you go up that last hill, feeling the fire lighting up your feet, battling the desire to quit and just walk it...feel the sunshine on your face; something, maybe the demons inside you, fuel you and you just go and take off til the top.

El Fin

Eric asked me on a date for saturday...i'm undecided. I keep saying that when you don't have any expectations of people you do not allow yourself to be disappointed. But I continually allow myself to get my hopes up about Eric and being able to patch things up.
Perhaps I take his consistent attempts as signs of love..but maybe I was wrong and it is just him fearing change and being alone. or fear of facing reality like me? I say this because when I allowed myself to get...pretty excited...about saturday, I was talking to him about Sushi Garden and how fun it would be to go and get sushi. And he was like "Are you buying?" and so the same old conversation came up. No..i'm not paying and no i'm not driving. I told him not to ask me on a date if he didn't have any money. And NO it's not about the money, it's the point. he had to ruin something that could have been a fun date because he made it seem like a BURDEN. Spending a night with me outweighed and overwhelmed by finances. get over it already. And of course, this is coming from the guy who went out to dinner, continually eats out and spends money on beer. You know, I don't think i have time to go to dinner tomorrow night and i'm sure I could spend time with my friends instead. I dont' have time to be anybody's burden anymore. And i'm not going to let HIM weigh me down anymore. I'm fine--it's all these other people. Between my father and eric i'm saying sianara

So after a 3 year relationship..here I am.

I think being single is harder than I anticipated. I just think dating is intimidating and strange; I feel that guys aren't trustworthy and that they are sleezy. It's just easier to be on my own, totally. I don't want to be worried about interpreting someone else's actions, worrying about making time to see someone who doesn't make time for me, being the habitual "date" planner. Why is it so hard to just..let go? You know you get comfortable and you miss that nook on someone else's neck that fits you so perfectly and the comfort of having someone you love fall asleep next to you so you get to wake up to them in the morning. I miss that. I wish I was the type of person who was laidback and could just go with the flow instead of always spending my energy thinking, wondering, and discussing. maybe that's just girls

Talking it out?

So hooray, i turned in both of my papers this morning, took my test and wrote the most feminist essay of my life (I had to question why so many female authors killed themselves..i'm sure my teacher loved my passion and conviction) But although I may not be a feminist, i prefer to think of myself as an equalist if that terminology even exists. Think about it

This section in my writing I studied Alice James, daughter of the great Henry James and the only girl in the family--she was sickly and was always inferior to her brothers, Emily Dickinson who refused to leave her home for more than short sojourns, Gilman who wrote the most disturbing short story i've read in my life about a woman trapped in the yellow wallpaper that ends up being her, Virginia Woolf who discussed the tribulations of being a female author and how there could never have been a female shakespeare because of society's restrictions--she later ended up drowning herself. Then there was Sylvia Plath, perhaps the most intriguing writer i've ever come across, her character situations are poignant and sarcastic. I wish I was half as clever as Plath; however her character Esther ends up falling into madness and spending her life in a mental institution receiving shock therapy. And of course Plath later committed suicide herself. So why is it that all these brilliant early female writers had lives of desititution? you would think with their talent and intelligence anything would be possible. But as Emily Dickinson wrote best, they put me in the closet expecting me to be still. The irony of that is that Virginia Woolf's essay "A Room of One's Own" discusses how women need space, time to think, and room to be left alone in--Dickinson gives her speaker a Closet and ruminates that if they could only see inside her mind then they would see her her brain -go round-. I think it's a very clever poem. Haha obviously, my head is still in the test.

Last night and the night before I was up ridiculously late for different reasons. My anti-anxiety pills are an amazing little thing, they pack a lot of punch for being a half dose. I can sleep, i can relax..i can not think for five seconds at a time. I had a much needed talk with Kristin the other night at our apartment, and of course I ended up crying even though I try so hard to do my tough, calm, collected facade. Sometimes when you are with people who know you, it's time to just let it out. But it scares me to be honest, I'm afraid if I really let myself cry and feel the hurt from what happened that I won't stop crying. I know that sounds insane and stupid, but it's true. The mention of Lenna in a quiet situation and my emotions go through the roof. I had an awful conversation with My grandma the other day and she was so disoriented and confused asking me about my mom and if she had missed my birthday and it was..awful. I wish she never would have had the stroke, and I wish she would have been with us so I could have protected her. I felt helpless being so far away. I still feel helpless, because I get so upset everytime i hear her sound so disgruntled and out of it on the phone--but i want to talk to HER. I want her to come back. Even now, i get upset and i don't to write about it. and my chest hurts. typical. but anyways, back to my point. I felt when i left that I had a pharmacy in my bag. I have anti-anxiety medicine, anti-depressants, heartburn medicine, pencillin for the strep and some other thing. I felt like an unstable person, only because of how much it takes to mellow me out. why is this happening? really? I don't know what I did to my dad to make him lash out at me and stop loving me if he ever did at all and I don't know why I can't overcome this and put it in the past. I want to talk to people about it, but i don't know how to reach out. I don't know how to admit "i'm having a bad day" and "I'm upset about.." I feel that nobody wants to listen. And people say that you should call them to talk to them but it's like..i will never be the person to pick up the phone to call someone to talk about something really bothering me, idk why. Brian was really intuitive the other day when he told me that my dad was projecting his shortcomings onto me and that it wasn't my fault. I think i really needed to hear that. I understand that my dad has to be a huge..asshole i guess..for abandoning me. All i wanted to do was fall apart after it happened. I think it's difficult because I really expected a magic wand to be waved over me when I got to school and when I found myself hiding out in my room and feeling isolated even more than when I was in Santa Fe something clicked. I'm glad that i went to the therapist, but i dont think i want to go back. I think my journal is more effective. I'd rather talk with one of my friends and have heart to hearts once a week then talk to a stranger who I put on a facade with anyway. Well, my journal definitely took a more intraspective look than I was in the mood for, but i guess it was necessary to put out there.

Putting my heart back together

"the day i thought i'd never get through--i got over you"

Well today was a whirlwind. This morning at 5am I woke up to throat pains and dizziness, so i went to the kitchen to make a cup of warm water with salt..delectable treats. I had originally planned to attend class but I ended up trying to catch up on sleep to avert sickness..oh well. I then went to circuit city to pick up printer ink which ended up being the wrong kind and ultimately pointless..brilliant. I stopped at BJs to pick up my paycheck and I just wasn't in the mood to be there. Anyway, i went to wells fargo and was going to transfer money from my accounts in nevada to the accounts here, and could you believe it my dad took me off all my accounts? If i had a doubt that he was going to regret his decision and realized that he did love his daughter, I was mistaken. I felt like my heart had been stomped on and ripped out of my chest. My first instinct was to call Eric--idk why I even bother. He was nice about it but I was crying on the phone and it didn't really matter..I didn't get a callback tonight or anything. Thoughtful right? Why do I even bother with it? He comes to Jamie's birthday dinner and gives me a guilt trip and makes everything awkward between us by pouting that I do not come over to watch movies anymore. Well you know what--you fail to ask me about how i'm doing or really care. it's really pretty damn pathetic. Why do I put myself through these things? Lessons learned...how many times does it take? People are off the charts.

Well anyways then Jd and i went to oreganos and it was delicious and fun; it's crazy how long we have known eachother. I sort of talked to him about my dad, even though i would rather not talk to anyone about it it just kind of came out..I guess it had to at some point. i miss allison. but sopko is 21 so that offered a highlight to my day..i'm going to shake it off, read a little bit of the bell jar and hope for the best

"I want to transcend"--Just Friends

Alright, i'm about to go to bed and I could not stop myself from reading my latest entry--pretty angry. I do not want to be "that girl" who is angry and embittered at "men" (insert the worlds smallest violin playing) I just feel really...mmm i'm not sure what the word would be here, maybe disappointed? I couldn't tell you right now without more reflection whether or not my feelings towards the opposite sex has been affected by my lack of a relationship with my father as of late. It was hard, when Allison and I were in Nordstrom she nonchalantly mentioned.."do you know when father's day is?" and I responded "I'm not the person to ask." I do not know my own father's birthday and I do not know when father's day is. I had a really bad feeling that i'll be in tucson during father's day and all my roomates will be talking about it and i'll just have to get up and go. I just can't handle hearing about how great everybody else's dad is--mine is somewhere in nevada right now, probably loving spring and golfing. forgetting I exist

I was hesitant about going to London this summer because I really wanted eric to come with me..but now i'm half-heartedly looking forward to London, pinch me, I'm just nervous about embracing that independent strong woman that I know my mother wants me to be. It's scary to look in the mirror and realize you are all you have got. I cannot screw that up.

Why can't things be easier. I just want to find the guy that is going to look at me and think..wow..this is it. i'm the luckiest man to have her in my life; i'm not going to take her foregranted or disappoint her intentionally. i'm going to be the man that she needs without ever thinking of her as an obligation; remember what she has to offer and remind her when she forgets that she is important and strong..and it's okay to have moments of sadness but allow me to cry when i'm trying too hard to smile through the tribulations. more than anything--someone who wants to lighten my load and let me share theirs--someone who wants to make life an adventure but hold my hand through it knowing that i'm their equal. Someone who will teach me how to cook and go on walks with me at night. I want someone who is honest and that does not find a challenge in playing games-honesty---a man who knows the value of a relationship. having sex with a girl is not about bragging to your friends but about being with her intimately. Do you think a guy like that exists? I thought I had found a semblance of that but now i really just don't know. I dont know when I get back to tucson how to act...i want to just be happy and real and beautiful in simplicity. but will there be an elephant in the room? I'm going to give hope a chance to float up..and please let it..i need a little hope..count that as a favor to whomever is listening to think good thoughts for me.

wouldn't that be an amazing thing if we could reach into our friends' hearts and scoop up the pain that is just too much to carry alone. that's what i wish my superpower was. that's my wish.

feels like tonight :)

This morning we woke up at 9am and went on the most amazing hike to Hawaii Kai...so beautiful. Hawaii is so different because today I walked around in my spandex and sports bra all day and it was completely normal; however if i was in tucson people would think i was doing it for attention. People, right?

So anyways, it started out kind of gloomy in the morning but by the time we got to the tide pools it was so beautiful and clear outside. I was really afraid to jump in the tide pool because I couldn't figure out what kind of weird fish were in there, and of course it would be my luck that jaws magically came out of the cracks and ate my leg for lunch..vivid imagination i know. But, I did finally get into the tide pool and it was so beautiful. The water was like glass and it was very warm and the ocean kept rushing over the rocks in an awesome white spray. I'm just really impressed, the rocks on the way down were incredibly jagged and steep but we kept going and made it to this amazing oasis--I never thought in a million years that I would be swimming in a tide pool after completing an arduous hike and footing around on black rocks bare foot watching the ocean rise and fall inbetween the rocks. gorgeous.

I definitely got a little sunburned but right when we got home from kozo sushi and coffee bean I booked it into the shower and then lathered myself in aloe vera gel, ouchie sunburns are the worst so I'm attempting to prevent any kind of unnecessary pain. then we ate our sushi and had some more coffee and relaxed to watching will and grace. now we are on the balcony before getting ready. I am so excited to go to Japanese food tonight. I'm trying to be more open minded and spontaneous. I just feel so full of life. It's easy to turn inward and not want to let people in and just be a vegetable but life is amazing. I want to hike more in tucson and just enjoy things, if it is school. I get so bogged down in the drudgery of work and school. I just like being outdoors and smelling the ocean. you lose yourself in deadlines I think.

Anyways so i'm going to try Sake tonight and that should be interesting.

Hello honolulu

So today was..amazing.

allison and i went to waikiki this morning..well rested and happy. the sun was shining and waking up in the morning making coffee and eating fiber toast with cream honey was the most phenomenal thing ever.

the tourists were priceless, everybody was jam packed into this 2 inch space of beautiful beach; but who the hell cares right? we took cute pictures, had some random japanese asian gangsta ask to take a picture of us and it was pricelessly awkward but everything pretty much is

then we went and got kozo sushi which will just change your life if you ever have it; then we came home went on a total butt run, sweated our brains out and then came home showered and watching sex and the city eating our yummy sushi. Yeah so now we are drinking the most amazing riesling and about to maybe smoke with brian downstairs..loving my life right now.

tomorrow we are going hiking and no worries i will take picture. originally i was going to write a very insightful entry but who has time to be contemplative about life and guys in hawaii? not me. i'm drinking a fucking margarita in love with allison. til tomorrow,

hugs and kisses

Okay flu...you win.

well i'm recovering from the flu...sitting in my room watching Lost and attempting not to think about things..it's been easier for me than you'd think. It's just too much to sit around and contemplate what's been happening and how significantly things have changed in my life.

I'm leaving for honolulu on thursday and i couldn't be more excited...I just want to be there...feeling the sand in between my toes and the soothing sounds of the ocean rolling over me. I want to run everyday and go snorkeling and get out of here.

Eric is still calling as if nothing has changed, it's been hard because he has been gone for lax. but it's like--is this enough? I need more now. Before, I was always the strong one for him. but the minute the tables changed, I lost priority to a beer pong game. Imagine what that does to your self-worth. It was bad enough losing my dad, i didn't want to lose him too. I can't cry about it. I dont know why. I'm just not ready. It's unfair to call me and tell me how sorry you are and how things will be different but yet nothing changes. It's hypocritical. I have weird dreams that my dad comes back--my therapist thinks he will but i tell people that he died. because he did right? He died to me. He cut me out of his life as if i didn't matter or have feelings of my own. that's not what fathers do. it just hurts..but these are the things i don't think about.

Tomorrow I have alot to do. I have to wake up and go to the administration building 210 and get my transcripts, then fill out a few applications for westminster and submit the packet to the my advisor in the study abroad building. I wish i would have done this earlier but time crept up on me. I also had a pointless meaning with Professor Epstein today, feeling like HELL i might add. he basically told me to troppe track..I was like--"obviously"...he doesn't think highly of me and i can sense it, i definitely have alot of slack to make up for with this paper--i just need the motivation. I just feel defeated in everything; it's weird. but it's up to me.

Me and my bag of problems

there are two kinds of people:

the first are the people who listen to you and really truly care

the second are the people who listen to you half-heartedly and are thinking "thank god that's not me."

What sucks is the fact that i didn't take my Lexapro today, i hate it so much. It makes me feel like i just got tranq darted or something, absolutely sedated and really really nauseated. So I didn't want to take it and it's funny that I totally and utterly fall apart. I thought it was maybe worse to be so out of it all the time, but I really just can't cry anymore. It comes in waves, and it just rushes over me and I feel like I can't stand. So i'm going to take it, for this month, like i'm prescribed. I'm only taking half doses because my body responds to it so oddly. you're not supposed to mix it with alcohol or anything, and i just really couldn't help myself. I didn't want to feel even more isolated from everybody by being like "sweet, party..get away from me drunk assholes" lol.

It's hard enough to be there..now with things, the last thing I want is to FEEL even more like an oddball. It's not that drinking is normal but it's normal for ME on a weekend, with my friends, in moderation. It was just nice to feel something other than sadness/anger. Allison and I were going to smoke after our run; but we didn't, i guess i'm glad because i don't want to turn to it but i feel like it's the only thing that'll relax me. I can't meet with my therapist til next monday, what is the point of having one when you need to meet with them and they can't? It's just such a stupid cycle. Everything that has gone wrong is in the past, it's already happened. it's over and i feel like i missed out on everything; I don't want to feel so blah anymore. I don't want to TALK about my issues--it's pointless really, sorry is the most overused word in the dictionary. besides like. sorry doesn't get me anywhere, it just makes the person saying it feel like they fulfilled their obligation. i think people should say.."Why don't you..." or "What are you doing to get beyond it?" i know that's alot to ask and that majority of the world doesn't know what to say, but if i don't know what to say and you dont know what to say then what is the point of talking about it? I just want to learn how to "frame" it to make it less stressful. to look at it from a new and bolder perspective. it's just tough.

eat.sleep.exercise.

I'm taking the solo approach even though i cringe at the idea of being on my own. but if you think about it, i've been alone in this since the get go. i'm thankful for my friends--who don't mind talking even if it's roundabout and unproductive. I just wish i could go back to be happy go lucky. i wish i didn't have any issues. i wish i had a father. i wish my father didn't affect me. From now on, if someone asks me about him i'm going to say he's dead. because he died to me. i wrote that without crying..that's something. I called the therapist today to see if i could get my appt moved from monday to tomorrow out of desperation and it was a no go. something like that much desperation for somebody to fucking help you makes you realize you're crazy. I guess we're all a little crazy anyway.

I've been fighting with eric like it's my job because there is an entire atlantic ocean between us. we're on different continents. different planets even. I stopped answering his phone calls tonight because i'm just so completely tired of all the shit. I dont want to worry about missing out on a party--it's not my priority. I'm worried about missing out on who i am as a person. I don't even know myself anymore. All i know is that i'm stuck between a rock and hard place with piles of shit just being shoveled ontop of me. Mediocre dilemmas are tiresome and i'm over them. I'm thankful for my friend saying tonight "just a house party? he's not hanging out with you for a house party? There's a lot of guys who would miss out on a lot more than a house party for you..wow." and that's true. so instead of feeling like i've been abandoned by more than one person to add onto everything, i've stopped receiving calls. i dont need to deal with that right now and i deserve alot better. I just really really really really want to have my appt NOW and not have to grumble and grudge through the weekend. My mom told me just to exercise, eat healthy, and sleep. that might have worked if i'd had a bad day but i'm having a horrendous moment that just gets compounded by all the other bullshit of being a 20 y/o girl in college.


this is going to sound incredibly superficial, but i've had this song on repeat the entire journal writing process. nobody gets it, but u2 gets it. Father's can really..really..break you apart:

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

I know that we don't talk
I'm sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me - when - I -
Sing, you're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me...

Where are we now?
I've still got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone...

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own




i will always see a semblance of my father when i look in the mirror, and i will always have the happy childhood memories but they are ruined now..or maybe just painfully bittersweet

The most negative entry of all time

Nobody cares what anybody else goes through because ultimately it's momentary for them and permanent for you. People kid themselves into thinking that other people are dependable and will share their sadness but the truth is nobody wants to be miserable so when you're miserable, good luck and god speed because you're in a sandstorm all alone.

I now think differently about the question "would you take a bullet for someone else" because in truth, nobody would take a bullet for another person. People value their own lives more than anybody elses and that's just human nature, the survival impulse (except my mom) . They'd probably throw you under the bus if it really mattered because what makes your life more valuable than theirs? I know that's negative but i'm feeling negative. I'm sick of "I want to be here for you"--- then be fucking here for me. Words are trivial and meaningless without action. Case and point--my father. The last thing I need is replicas of my father all around me. It just is so absolutely despicable that he's not even a part of my life anymore and i feel absolutely devastated. You'd think i would be happy to be totally independent of him but the truth is i feel dead. I feel totally lifeless and that something has changed in me, something altering that maybe only comes with great suffering and loss. The worst part is that he's probably going on with his life totally uninhibited by anything that happened between us and here i am at 1am with destroyed relationships over my reaction to our severed ties. I'm fucking putting jelly on bread this morning and wondering if troy is going to tell him about my grades this semester and how smart i am. And then I stopped to realize how ridiculous that is because they probably won't even mention me because after all, i'm not a part of his life anymore and pretty meaningless.

Its enough to make you sick isn't it? He can send me an e-mail that completely alters my course of my life and wellbeing and he can just go on with his picture perfect existence thinking that i'm a selfish cold-hearted monster of a daughter. Isn't there something in human instinct to protect your child, to love your child?? I can't imagine abandoning someone but yet it happened and it happens all the time. It just makes me so mad. Why did i have to have a shit father? Why couldn't i be enough? And why is it when you need people the most they aren't around. Nobody is to be found. Maybe because nobody wants to be found. When it comes down to it, to all the people i can talk to there aren't any. There aren't any because i dont want to unload all that i'm carrying around on anybody else, because it's horrible enough as it is and totally embarrassing. So i'm going to have a miserable life while everybody else continues with their saturday night partying and drinking because nothing shitty has happened to them recently. I just fucking hate the world right now and just want to go home to santa fe and sit on my patio and watch the stars and get my life together--a totally and absolute overhaul. Why can't I be with somebody rushing to come over, bringing a movie and just pulling me close and letting me cry knowing that i'm not capable of letting myself do it for an inate unwillingness to be vulnerable. That's never going to happen. So what's the point of even bothering with other people?

To make everything 1000x worse, i can't find Lenna's ring. I went to look for it the other day and it's missing. I can't imagine where it could be or how it could've gotten lost because it's my most sacred possession. I distinctly remember not wanting to bring it to Santa Fe because i was afraid I would lose it, but now i can't remember if i brought it with me to keep it close and accidently left it there. My foot is shaking so rapidly right now because the very thought of losing it makes my heart come out of my throat into a splatter on the keyboard. I just can't seem to get anything right. I dont' want to be around anybody and i'm sure nobody wants to be around me. I just wish i could actually change the course of my thoughts into something positive but it all seems so superficial and stupid. I really dont know what to do with myself.

Fiction

I've been reading "adam bede" by George Eliot. Earlier, I was reading and I felt overwhelmed at the language but now when I was sitting in bed attempting to sink into the world of the book it began to take shape, simply because it's far from my own.

escapism.

That is what fiction is all about--living vicariously through a character; simulation of experiences, falls, and courageous actions. I need a little more Elizabeth in my own personality

I just feel tired. tired to the point of psuedo apathy. I can't truthfully say i'm apathetic although that's disappointing in itself, i wish i was. I try to say "i don't care" whether it be in reference to what shoes my brother buys, whether or not I see Eric, or whether or not I care about what happened with my father. The brutal truth is that i'm a stranger in my own body. I kept pulling away from Eric tonight because I just wanted to crawl into my apartment and just sit where I wouldn't be bothered. Everything is irritating. Life is irritating because i cannot seem to do anything right. I'm irritated that i'm irritated--attempting to feel normal because coincidentally nobody else felt like going out tonight. i can hide under the facade of being tired from work or just overwhelmed with school but it's so far beyond that. I think i need to talk to someone, i'm just...inexplicably uninterested and foreign.

I wrestle with it because on one hand I really need to talk to someone and feel that i'm not a depressive headcase and that stuff like this happens...but on the other i hate talking and feeling like someone is thinking "thank god that's not happening to me and her life sucks" it's just so unproductive to talk to someone who has no idea or real care of what you're going through. I almost want someone to be like "I know you better than that, and you may be trying to come off cool and collected but I see in your little compulsions that you're falling apart--don't worry though i'll glue you back together"

I'm even tempted to erase this whole thing because I dont want to feel this way or have real problems. I know that i'm blessed in alot of ways..I have great friends, intelligence, opportunities and a fortunate family..but at the end of the day it's just me and my thoughts. I have nightmares and yesterday I could run all I wanted but i couldn't shake them off me.


I just really don't know anymore and it seems easy to say all things pass..I know all the stock quotes..I tell myself things..there's always tomorrow--i'm right where I want to be--everything happens for a reason. but sometimes life is a bitch. It hurts while its happening..but we lick our wounds

It hurts worse today, if that's possible.

my mom called this morning and i told her about the email, minus the "Self-centered like your mother" abomination. She told me that he will never change and he is projecting his misgivings on me. She reminded me that i have never been mean to him and that "family" is about unconditional love. People will love you in spite of your bad qualities and admire you for your good traits, unconditionally. She said that I should print out his e-mail, put it in my diary and look at it when I question why my father and I do not have a relationship.

She told me never to blame myself because that's a heavy burden I should not weight on myself. So i spent the morning scrubbing the kitchen, microwave included. I changed the vac bag and cleaned up my room. This morning when I woke up I washed off the smudged mascara and put cool water to ease the swolleness of my eyes. It feels like a bad dream.

what it means to be my mother's daughter

It's one of those moments that you always knew would happen but hoped it would never come. A picture with a broken frame. My dad just sent me an email, (not even a phone call) telling me that he is a hurt by my responses to him asking me to come and visit, he told me that i make time to go visit my grandmother over thanksgiving but not him and that later on in life being selfish like my mother will not result in happiness..and happiness is the key to life. He will no longer be trying to contact me but will always support me if he can


WHAT THE FUCK?

Are you fucking kidding me? He claimed that the only time i contact him is when i am asking for money--is he living in a dream world? I'm 20 years old and in college; he doesn't help financially whatsoever. If my mom didn't do well for herself i would be screwed, and definitely not living in a nice apartment and attending a university. He is such a DICK. First of all, how dare he call my mother selfish who has sacrificed everything above and beyond to take care of me, she calls me to wish me luck on my finals and always makes me feel better about anything--my father on the other hand did not even know what year i was in college or what my degree was in. Seriously? I'm just so exhausted with him--I want nothing to do with him and he has made that decision very easy for me. He must be clueless to what he is like to deal with, this overwhelming berating individual that is never satisfied. My mother sends me cards just to say she is proud of me---I get a phone call from my dad once every 4 months to talk about my brother. Fuck you if you think visiting my 93 year old grandmother isn't a priority----she means more to me than he ever will. I just hate that i'm crying right now, he doesn't deserve my tears but i can't make myself not feel so hurt by him. it's so typical, my father is the only man that makes me cry--how disfunctional is that?? Now i just don't know if i should email him back and let him have it, maybe it would go something like this

I am shocked and taken aback by your email, I am incredibly angered that you had the audacity to call my mother selfish, she must be selfish to pay for my tuition, my books, my car, my apartment, my cell phone, send me cards just to say "I am proud of you!", call me the morning of my finals to wish me luck and talk to me everyday just to say hello. She has supported 3 children and makes us her priority--that is selfish. On the other hand as of our last conversation you weren't aware what my major was. I am incredibly resentful that you implied my mother would not give me lenna's intended inheritance--it was inappropriate and disrespectful not only to my mother but to me because i was more concerned with grieving her loss and not "monetary" matters contrary to what you seem to think i am consumed with. I do work to help with finances because my mother pays for all my educational finances leaving me to take care of my other financial responsibilities--a job is necessary to do that; to criticize me for being responsible in keeping my job is ridiculous. Also, my grandmother is 93 years old and after losing Lenna I realize the importance of visiting with her as much as possible, she extends an interest in me and vice versa and I am incredibly lucky to have her in my life and enjoy her company. Seeing that you were harshly honest with me, I feel that it is only fair i am the same with you--we lack any fundamental grounds for communicating, your conversations with me are generic and generally center around the actions of Troy. Obviously learning about me as a person and establishing a relationship based on ME and YOU is unattainable for you and your emotinal aptitude with a female; this leaves me feeling distant from you and resentful that I do not have a father-daughter relationship like my friends. This has been the case since i was in highschool, i have always felt distances and lacking a strong bond--I am perfectly capable of having a 5 minute conversation once a week about golf, troy, the weather, and how Yuliya is doing..but it is purposeless when you do not value me as a person. Your rude commentary about my mother is yet another splinter in our relationship--this is probably unknown to you but she never speaks poorly of you to me understanding what an awkward position that would put me in. on the other hand, you are habitually disrespectful towards my mother and I can no longer handle this with silence. I am my mother's daughter and THAT is happiness for me.