damn it feels good to be a gangsta'

I partially wish I was this inebriated again, Erin practically knocked me down (but thus the point of the power hour right?) Anyways..

I just got home from doing a fabulous whole lot of nothing with nick. We went to yardhouse and had a couple beers and productive small talk. Then we stalkerized the yardhouse parking lot, it's really entertaining to watch people leaving the bar and all their awkward engagements. Relationships/dates are awkward..and you can intuit quite a bit based on body language. One girl was attempting to entertain her "date" by showing him her awesome skills at spinning her purse really fast around her wrist. She's a winner.

I then realized that perhaps I am even MORE of a winner simply because of the fact that I was watching her from a car, partially buzzed at 1am.

I'm an insomniac lately--what are the chances it's because i'm nervous and unprepared for London? Hm..that's a toughie.

I'm hiking camelback tomorrow morning with a busted tailbone; but it's time. I feel pudgy and lazy. I was inspired by Jessica Simpson's bodily comeback and guess what..due to fiber! the 5 diet..eating 5 meals a day that have 5-10 g of fiber per meal..thus I felt bad about my cheesecake indulgence at dinner and had my fiber mix with orange juice before laying down.

Also, i'm wondering why i have been sleeping sideways lately without fully unmaking my bed--i wonder what my sleep style is suggesting..google time


Foetus--it's me!!!!!
Those who curl up in the foetus position are described as tough on the outside but sensitive at heart. They may be shy when they first meet somebody, but soon relax. This is the most common sleeping position, adopted by 41% of the 1,000 people who took part in the survey. More than twice as many women as men tend to adopt this position.


Log
Lying on your side with both arms down by your side. These sleepers are easy going, social people who like being part of the in-crowd, and who are trusting of strangers. However, they may be gullible.


Yearner
People who sleep on their side with both arms out in front are said to have an open nature, but can be suspicious, cynical. They are slow to make up their minds, but once they have taken a decision, they are unlikely ever to change it.


Soldier
Lying on your back with both arms pinned to your sides. People who sleep in this position are generally quiet and reserved. They don't like a fuss, but set themselves and others high standards.


Freefall
Lying on your front with your hands around the pillow, and your head turned to one side. Often gregarious and brash people, but can be nervy and thin-skinned underneath, and don't like criticism, or extreme situations.


Starfish
Lying on your back with both arms up around the pillow. These sleepers make good friends because they are always ready to listen to others, and offer help when needed. They generally don't like to be the centre of attention.

Tuesday morning

I know it'll be worth it when i'm in London going to the British Museum and seeing all the things i've been reading about. Today is the first day that i've been really excited about leaving. I just need to get away for awhile, find myself. It's funny that i think i'll find myself in an entirely new city..alone.

I think that people lose themselves in the mundane existence of the day to day. Particularly, when you are an over analyzer like me. I think I just need to put on the brakes for awhile. I want to be laid back and just let the waves wash over me. Going to London will enable me to just rely on myself for awhile and not get lost in the stresses of my life here. What is bothersome now is that Grandma will be being moved to the retirement home in Nevada when i'm in London. I just wish I was more powerful in the situation, capable of changing things and speaking my mind. Maybe that's part of growing up, learning to voice your thoughts and correct people when they are making selfish mistakes.

Yesterday Hilary and I sat on the floor of Barnes and Noble reading zodiac books, it's eerie how dead on they are. You may think this is funny, but I really believe in my horoscope and the information about my birth date. Believe it or not, it even said that taurus' are prone to throat problems..and hello i know i've had more doctor visits about my throat than I would like to remember. Plus they said that I have psychic abilities. I take pride in that :).

I did camelback mountain yesterday morning with Nick and it was fun, but it frustrates me how challenging it is sometimes. I expect it to be easy but everytime i'm at the halfway point it's a fight against mind over matter. I think it's something i'd like to do by myself opposed to with somebody else, I just need to sit and think. I really want to write an honest book, about my opinions through a character that's tangible to me instead of being so afraid to write something personal. Why should I hide my life--it's mine and it's me.

I didn't see it being like this?

I am sitting on my bed with my snoring dog..listening to music and wishing I was anywhere but here. I guess not alot has changed, it used to be eric snoring next to me and now it's my obese chihuahua. It's pretty funny, right?

I'm really tired of having so much on my plate. I have these moments of being so overwhelmed that it's hard to wake up in the morning. It scares me to think that I'm going back to how I was at the beginning of this semester. I'm happier alone than with anyone else--and if I choose to be social i'm drinking, more than I should. Drowning my sorrows in a shot of patron. Really productive and beneficial. I need someone or something positive in my life, something truly stable. I guess the only thing that I can rely on is myself--which is hard to do when you're over medicated and suddenly aware of all your obnoxious idiosyncrasies pointed out by a psychiatrist.

I'm frustrated. But i'm frustrated that i'm frustrated, I just want to be a normal, average person on the street with a big smile on their face and a bounce in their step. It's been too long pretending, "faking it til I make it" and to be honest i'm just agitated. I can't even say that whole heartedly either, because i'm not absolutely miserable. I like being in Scottsdale alot, even though Santa Fe was an amazing reprieve. But i'm very suspect of people, of everyone lately. I don't understand what happened to caring about strangers and people in general. I need to get out of here. I'm losing faith in the goodness of the average person. People perhaps have turned out to be more selfish than I could have imagined. My father chose his own pride over loving his daughter, Eric only thought of himself, and here I sit with the weight of the world on my shoulders with out anyone to share it with me. What the fuck happened to us?

My mom asked me if I was going to be going out the other night--of course the reason she asked was because she wanted to try and talk to me again about my grandmother. I just don't want to hear it, i want to pretend this isn't happening. My grandmother is barely holding on--she was so miserable in the recovery hospital after her stroke at christmas--wanting to be with her good friends in her garden, enjoying her belongings and her loved ones. Then my mom told me that grandma hardly knows where she is anymore and I just felt sick. I can't lose her and it's so unbelievably painful to hear her disgruntled on the phone and being pulled at like a ragdoll by all these selfish, awful, people. I want to fly out to california and give everyone a piece of my mind. It's just like when Lenna passed away and all my relatives turned money hungry, seeing green and pulling at my mother to go against Lenna's will. It's just disgusting. I just want to be with her and talk to her about London and traveling and school. I think I am starting to understand why my brother left for Colombia. He needed to escape. Grown tired of being used, and i'm sick and tired of all this STUFF.


If I had my life to live over, I'd dare to make more mistakes next time. I'd relax; I'd limber up. I would be sillier than I have been this trip. I would take fewer things seriously. I would take more chances. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.

You see, I'm one of those people who lived sensibly and sanely hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I had my moments, and if I had to do it over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after the other, instead of living so many years ahead of each day. I've been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat, and a parachute. If I had it to do over again, I would travel lighter than I have.

If I had my life to live over again, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would dance more; I would ride more merry-go-rounds. I would pick more daisies.

3 year relationship = bad dater.

After a 3 year relationship..I'm not a good "dater" as much as I'd like to pretend that I am. I feel guilty if i go out on dates with other people if i'm dating one person. Isn't that the point of being single? But i feel like i already found what i should be looking for, so what's the point in going on dates just for the mere entertainment of going out? idk if that even makes sense. I think, I suppose..before I stop going on "entertainment" dates I should make sure a relationship is honestly what I want. Or in fact if anybody even wants to be in a relationship with me, life is so damn complicated. no i take that back, relationships are so damn complicated. People are just like oceans, smooth and glistening with sharks swimming under the surface and riptides waiting to drown you. NOW that is cynical, i should be ashamed of myself but i'm not..entirely.

Sometimes I think too loud

I haven't written in awhile, i guess alot has been changing and going on and I don't like these thoughts fluttering around my mind.

I am leaving tucson tomorrow, in a completely different place than where I started. The year began with me thinking that I had found the person I would possibly spend the rest of my life with, I was a different person then...but it was a real feeling..tangible. Anyhow. This ball of life has been rolling and gaining speed and I feel that it finally hit me and i'm still trying to dig myself out of the hole it left me in. It knots my stomach and cinches my throat to say that on Mother's day my grandmother was asking my mom for lenna's number to call her and my mom had to tell her that she is the last one alive. It hurts to think of my grandma re-feeling that loss, it is something that I have been trying to push under the rug for so long and it seems that life never stops enough for me to catch my breath.

My dad sent me a card for my birthday, late. I wrestle with whether or not i'm grateful or bitter that he sent it. It's just so hard to deal with him being out of my life. It's hard to admit that his relationship was the one aspect of my life that i struggled with since childhood, always pining for his approval and to make him proud of me--to show him that girls can be bold and praise worthy too. I never would have thought that the little girl bounding off the plane, searching through strangers faces to find the arms of her hero would be sitting at a computer at 3 am, wanting to forget his face. The card left me speechless. I ripped it up and put it in the garbage. It disrupted the protective barrier I had coated myself in. The thing about these emotions that I'm confronting is that I'm afraid to let anyone in. I don't want them to see me cry or see me feel devastated. I don't want to feel those things. If people really cared they would ask. But nobody asks. I want to keep everyone at an arm's length and i'm so quick to turn my back on people the minute I feel they could hurt me or add complications. With guys in particular, I feel that the minute they show an action that could be perceived as negative i'm suddenly back to ground zero, ready to ignore their phone calls and all the feelings I allowed myself to feel.

I feel lately that it is my best interest to just float around, not allowing myself to feel anything deep for any one person in particular, but I can't help it and I thought I found a real connection, i liked the way it felt and i felt like someone saw through my layers and actually saw me for me. idk..I don't even feel comfortable writing it because part of me feels that i'm fooling myself into feeling something not necessarily genuinely there--I feel that guys aren't trustworthy and that they are going to disappoint me. They say one thing to me but have alternative intentions running under the surface. I have expectations of people and when they fail to do something I "need" them to do, i'm put off again. I know it is unfair of me to expect things from people if I am unwilling to ask.

I know that doesn't necessarily make sense, but for example today--I felt so overwhelmed. I wish that I could be a spontaneous, roll with the punches, go with the flow kind of person..but i'm not there yet. I try to follow the motto "fake it til you make it" but it takes time. I'm flabberghasted about the move, i'm not good at dealing with disorder and chaos. i'm so frustrated with the move and it hasn't even begun. my life is in boxes. waiting to be unpacked in a truck somewhere.

The painters were supposed to be working all this week and of course, they are arriving for the first time tomorrow to start painting with the deadline of monday when the movers come. So i have to bring Bella down tomorrow to an empty house to meet Zeus and deal with the stress of strangers in the house and a whole new location. My mom suggested..commanded lol that I find a place to stay because of the paint fumes but i'm just so agitated. Although it was undesirable to just sleep in the house and set up my bathroom and closet and just let bella and zeus run around the house, it was a plan and it was feasible. But now they have to be outside, hopefully not accidently let out and i have to drive zach and mom to the airport to go to Nevada til Sunday? It just seems like alot.

Although the semester is over, i'm still running things over in my mind about how disappointed i am with my academic performance..i feel like im not myself not matter how hard I try. I have moments where I feel a snippet of the old me and it's such a relief, a breath of fresh air, and then something comes and knocks me back down to my knees. I just want it to be over, for the world to pause all around me and allow me to tuck the issues away to never be found again. I wish someone could help me, just deal..but i'm totally alone.

Dealing with verizon today and attempting to facilitate my day for tomorrow was so exhausting and stressful on me, i wanted to have an empathetic ear to call and a hug to be had. I'm not one to ask for help, but today i just wanted to dig my heels into the ground and throw in the towel. Dating is..whatever. But getting invited to a bar just isn't my scene right now. I need quiet time and one on one time with people; it seems like i'm the only one who needs that..which defeats the purpose. Today is the first day in a long time that i felt unwillingly disappointed and lonely. It makes me want to shut everyone out and just go into solo mode. As much as I hate to say this, I know that i'm going to crawl back inside myself for awhile...i'm just not ready to deal with people in different places than I am. I want something great. I want..what i've always wanted..and i'm not ready to put myself out there emotionally.. it just doesn't seem to be happening..so i guess it's back to being solo. i've gotten pretty good at it by now :-/

Finals Week

So yes, what every college student across the nation has been anticipating has finally come. Finals week, the week where people eat like crap, feel like crap, and study until their brain feels like crap. Eloquent, but true.

I still don't understand the point of finals. Particularly, my personal hell, of my senior seminar. My teacher feels sorry for me because of my immune deficiency over the past semester. It's pretty sad how many times I have been sick; but stress will do that to you. Do you ever have the urge to spill your guts to a complete stranger; just to get it OUT. I'm going to call that brutally honest word vomit. It has a nice gross ring to it. Sometimes, when I feel that a person is awkward/bored around me I feel the need to share my life story with them...to get a reaction, to open communication? I'm not really sure. I guess it doesn't really matter--it's pointless rhetoric either way.

So today I met with Professor Epstein after class to discuss my final paper on George Eliot. The paper is comprised of 15 pages tracing the career of the novelist and Eliot's canon. Bor-ing. My troppe is consequence; specifically economic consequence, social consequence and finally moral consequence. Ultimately, in my paper i need to determine what ELIOT is doing and why consequence is important in her novels.

Basically when I left his office my head was spinning and i'm pretty sure i made the most awkward exist any student has ever pulled; I booked it. I put my notebook away, told him "I think it'll be great. No..I know it'll be great" i was pretty much maintaing a full on motivational speech to myself infront of my teacher. So not only does he think i'm unhealthy and sickly but probably mentally off balance as well. Maybe he'll feel sorry for me? haha it's just embarrassing, I wish I could have been a fly on the wall to watch myself make my dramatic exit. Oh the things people do when they are stressed.

Letting go isn't that easy

So obviously yesterday was hard and gave me a lot to think about. Eric and I went to dinner and it was the same conversation we have been going over for 2 months now. Basically he still refuses to take full accountability for his own actions and the negative impact that I had to receive because of that. A relationship requires two people to be fully devoted; when the other is down the other one should help pick them back up. I do not want a relationship where I have to always be the one to help the other out, particularly when my own world was crumbling all around me. Nothing has changed; my dad is still out of the picture, my grandma is on a day to day basis---but I'm dealing with things differently. I don't have the time to confront those issues right now but I know that eventually I will, and in the mean time I need to keep my head up and keep it together. The world doesn't stop for you.

But yeah, i'm brushing some things under the rug for now. I don't think I can be in a relationship with Eric if he cannot even genuinely apologize for what happened instead of just blaming me for breaking up with him.

I am going to pick up a new addition to the family, she is a little white chihuahua who hasn't had a home for awhile and i'm VERY excited. I can't wait to take my little buddy out on walks and home with me to north scottsdale to meet zeus, pax, and zoe. So yes, i'm really happy that my roomies are all so excited about the new puppy. She'll have lots of attention and lots of love :)

It took awhile to figure out she could run and when she did she was long..long gone.

Mornings are my favorite time of day. I have a routine then. I wake up, go put on a pot of coffee, have a piece of toast and cut up bananas and strawberries and sprinkle them into my cereal. Have fiber juice. Catch up on the world of television and have some quiet time. But then the rest of the day is...unpredictable. I opted not to go to class..I feel guilty about it, honestly. I'm either on point and focused or I am all over the place. God, i just want to shake myself. Snap out of it, wake up and get moving!!

Anyways, I went on yet another amazing run today. When i'm running I like to feel like i'm running from things...Escaping...running from the annoyances and frustrations of life. Running from the people that bring me down and kicking dust onto them. The difference between me in my real life and the me during my runs is that when i'm running, i'm moving past all the dilemmas, letting things go and going forward; but in my real life i'm frozen and drudging through the muck. muck. I can be pissed as all hell and when i get to the base of the hill, it fuels me, and I run and run and sprint and push off my feet as hard as i can so when I get to the top I feel like I pushed the anger out of me. And I take a deep breath and exhale all the tension in my body. out..out out and away into the air, somewhere away from me.

Emotions are a crazy thing, I suppose all the time I spent running in highschool from "real life," things caught up with me in college; I have to confront my father..and my issues with relationships and people..but I have never had to do that before and i'm lost.

I feel accomplished when I keep going, even though I'm tired and my legs are aching and my lungs are screaming for a minute of reprieve--but I keep pushing. Mind over matter..Mind over matter..it's my mantra these days. It's supposed to hurt, that's the challenge; overcoming the hurt to run another mile and another one after that. Finish the hill even though your hamstrings are sore--but you can keep going, that's the beauty of the human body. you can do amazing things; if only you allow yourself to go beyond the pain to something more..you just keep going. keep running until you decide that you are finished. and when you go up that last hill, feeling the fire lighting up your feet, battling the desire to quit and just walk it...feel the sunshine on your face; something, maybe the demons inside you, fuel you and you just go and take off til the top.

El Fin

Eric asked me on a date for saturday...i'm undecided. I keep saying that when you don't have any expectations of people you do not allow yourself to be disappointed. But I continually allow myself to get my hopes up about Eric and being able to patch things up.
Perhaps I take his consistent attempts as signs of love..but maybe I was wrong and it is just him fearing change and being alone. or fear of facing reality like me? I say this because when I allowed myself to get...pretty excited...about saturday, I was talking to him about Sushi Garden and how fun it would be to go and get sushi. And he was like "Are you buying?" and so the same old conversation came up. No..i'm not paying and no i'm not driving. I told him not to ask me on a date if he didn't have any money. And NO it's not about the money, it's the point. he had to ruin something that could have been a fun date because he made it seem like a BURDEN. Spending a night with me outweighed and overwhelmed by finances. get over it already. And of course, this is coming from the guy who went out to dinner, continually eats out and spends money on beer. You know, I don't think i have time to go to dinner tomorrow night and i'm sure I could spend time with my friends instead. I dont' have time to be anybody's burden anymore. And i'm not going to let HIM weigh me down anymore. I'm fine--it's all these other people. Between my father and eric i'm saying sianara

So after a 3 year relationship..here I am.

I think being single is harder than I anticipated. I just think dating is intimidating and strange; I feel that guys aren't trustworthy and that they are sleezy. It's just easier to be on my own, totally. I don't want to be worried about interpreting someone else's actions, worrying about making time to see someone who doesn't make time for me, being the habitual "date" planner. Why is it so hard to just..let go? You know you get comfortable and you miss that nook on someone else's neck that fits you so perfectly and the comfort of having someone you love fall asleep next to you so you get to wake up to them in the morning. I miss that. I wish I was the type of person who was laidback and could just go with the flow instead of always spending my energy thinking, wondering, and discussing. maybe that's just girls

Talking it out?

So hooray, i turned in both of my papers this morning, took my test and wrote the most feminist essay of my life (I had to question why so many female authors killed themselves..i'm sure my teacher loved my passion and conviction) But although I may not be a feminist, i prefer to think of myself as an equalist if that terminology even exists. Think about it

This section in my writing I studied Alice James, daughter of the great Henry James and the only girl in the family--she was sickly and was always inferior to her brothers, Emily Dickinson who refused to leave her home for more than short sojourns, Gilman who wrote the most disturbing short story i've read in my life about a woman trapped in the yellow wallpaper that ends up being her, Virginia Woolf who discussed the tribulations of being a female author and how there could never have been a female shakespeare because of society's restrictions--she later ended up drowning herself. Then there was Sylvia Plath, perhaps the most intriguing writer i've ever come across, her character situations are poignant and sarcastic. I wish I was half as clever as Plath; however her character Esther ends up falling into madness and spending her life in a mental institution receiving shock therapy. And of course Plath later committed suicide herself. So why is it that all these brilliant early female writers had lives of desititution? you would think with their talent and intelligence anything would be possible. But as Emily Dickinson wrote best, they put me in the closet expecting me to be still. The irony of that is that Virginia Woolf's essay "A Room of One's Own" discusses how women need space, time to think, and room to be left alone in--Dickinson gives her speaker a Closet and ruminates that if they could only see inside her mind then they would see her her brain -go round-. I think it's a very clever poem. Haha obviously, my head is still in the test.

Last night and the night before I was up ridiculously late for different reasons. My anti-anxiety pills are an amazing little thing, they pack a lot of punch for being a half dose. I can sleep, i can relax..i can not think for five seconds at a time. I had a much needed talk with Kristin the other night at our apartment, and of course I ended up crying even though I try so hard to do my tough, calm, collected facade. Sometimes when you are with people who know you, it's time to just let it out. But it scares me to be honest, I'm afraid if I really let myself cry and feel the hurt from what happened that I won't stop crying. I know that sounds insane and stupid, but it's true. The mention of Lenna in a quiet situation and my emotions go through the roof. I had an awful conversation with My grandma the other day and she was so disoriented and confused asking me about my mom and if she had missed my birthday and it was..awful. I wish she never would have had the stroke, and I wish she would have been with us so I could have protected her. I felt helpless being so far away. I still feel helpless, because I get so upset everytime i hear her sound so disgruntled and out of it on the phone--but i want to talk to HER. I want her to come back. Even now, i get upset and i don't to write about it. and my chest hurts. typical. but anyways, back to my point. I felt when i left that I had a pharmacy in my bag. I have anti-anxiety medicine, anti-depressants, heartburn medicine, pencillin for the strep and some other thing. I felt like an unstable person, only because of how much it takes to mellow me out. why is this happening? really? I don't know what I did to my dad to make him lash out at me and stop loving me if he ever did at all and I don't know why I can't overcome this and put it in the past. I want to talk to people about it, but i don't know how to reach out. I don't know how to admit "i'm having a bad day" and "I'm upset about.." I feel that nobody wants to listen. And people say that you should call them to talk to them but it's like..i will never be the person to pick up the phone to call someone to talk about something really bothering me, idk why. Brian was really intuitive the other day when he told me that my dad was projecting his shortcomings onto me and that it wasn't my fault. I think i really needed to hear that. I understand that my dad has to be a huge..asshole i guess..for abandoning me. All i wanted to do was fall apart after it happened. I think it's difficult because I really expected a magic wand to be waved over me when I got to school and when I found myself hiding out in my room and feeling isolated even more than when I was in Santa Fe something clicked. I'm glad that i went to the therapist, but i dont think i want to go back. I think my journal is more effective. I'd rather talk with one of my friends and have heart to hearts once a week then talk to a stranger who I put on a facade with anyway. Well, my journal definitely took a more intraspective look than I was in the mood for, but i guess it was necessary to put out there.

Putting my heart back together

"the day i thought i'd never get through--i got over you"

Well today was a whirlwind. This morning at 5am I woke up to throat pains and dizziness, so i went to the kitchen to make a cup of warm water with salt..delectable treats. I had originally planned to attend class but I ended up trying to catch up on sleep to avert sickness..oh well. I then went to circuit city to pick up printer ink which ended up being the wrong kind and ultimately pointless..brilliant. I stopped at BJs to pick up my paycheck and I just wasn't in the mood to be there. Anyway, i went to wells fargo and was going to transfer money from my accounts in nevada to the accounts here, and could you believe it my dad took me off all my accounts? If i had a doubt that he was going to regret his decision and realized that he did love his daughter, I was mistaken. I felt like my heart had been stomped on and ripped out of my chest. My first instinct was to call Eric--idk why I even bother. He was nice about it but I was crying on the phone and it didn't really matter..I didn't get a callback tonight or anything. Thoughtful right? Why do I even bother with it? He comes to Jamie's birthday dinner and gives me a guilt trip and makes everything awkward between us by pouting that I do not come over to watch movies anymore. Well you know what--you fail to ask me about how i'm doing or really care. it's really pretty damn pathetic. Why do I put myself through these things? Lessons learned...how many times does it take? People are off the charts.

Well anyways then Jd and i went to oreganos and it was delicious and fun; it's crazy how long we have known eachother. I sort of talked to him about my dad, even though i would rather not talk to anyone about it it just kind of came out..I guess it had to at some point. i miss allison. but sopko is 21 so that offered a highlight to my day..i'm going to shake it off, read a little bit of the bell jar and hope for the best

"I want to transcend"--Just Friends

Alright, i'm about to go to bed and I could not stop myself from reading my latest entry--pretty angry. I do not want to be "that girl" who is angry and embittered at "men" (insert the worlds smallest violin playing) I just feel really...mmm i'm not sure what the word would be here, maybe disappointed? I couldn't tell you right now without more reflection whether or not my feelings towards the opposite sex has been affected by my lack of a relationship with my father as of late. It was hard, when Allison and I were in Nordstrom she nonchalantly mentioned.."do you know when father's day is?" and I responded "I'm not the person to ask." I do not know my own father's birthday and I do not know when father's day is. I had a really bad feeling that i'll be in tucson during father's day and all my roomates will be talking about it and i'll just have to get up and go. I just can't handle hearing about how great everybody else's dad is--mine is somewhere in nevada right now, probably loving spring and golfing. forgetting I exist

I was hesitant about going to London this summer because I really wanted eric to come with me..but now i'm half-heartedly looking forward to London, pinch me, I'm just nervous about embracing that independent strong woman that I know my mother wants me to be. It's scary to look in the mirror and realize you are all you have got. I cannot screw that up.

Why can't things be easier. I just want to find the guy that is going to look at me and think..wow..this is it. i'm the luckiest man to have her in my life; i'm not going to take her foregranted or disappoint her intentionally. i'm going to be the man that she needs without ever thinking of her as an obligation; remember what she has to offer and remind her when she forgets that she is important and strong..and it's okay to have moments of sadness but allow me to cry when i'm trying too hard to smile through the tribulations. more than anything--someone who wants to lighten my load and let me share theirs--someone who wants to make life an adventure but hold my hand through it knowing that i'm their equal. Someone who will teach me how to cook and go on walks with me at night. I want someone who is honest and that does not find a challenge in playing games-honesty---a man who knows the value of a relationship. having sex with a girl is not about bragging to your friends but about being with her intimately. Do you think a guy like that exists? I thought I had found a semblance of that but now i really just don't know. I dont know when I get back to tucson how to act...i want to just be happy and real and beautiful in simplicity. but will there be an elephant in the room? I'm going to give hope a chance to float up..and please let it..i need a little hope..count that as a favor to whomever is listening to think good thoughts for me.

wouldn't that be an amazing thing if we could reach into our friends' hearts and scoop up the pain that is just too much to carry alone. that's what i wish my superpower was. that's my wish.

feels like tonight :)

This morning we woke up at 9am and went on the most amazing hike to Hawaii Kai...so beautiful. Hawaii is so different because today I walked around in my spandex and sports bra all day and it was completely normal; however if i was in tucson people would think i was doing it for attention. People, right?

So anyways, it started out kind of gloomy in the morning but by the time we got to the tide pools it was so beautiful and clear outside. I was really afraid to jump in the tide pool because I couldn't figure out what kind of weird fish were in there, and of course it would be my luck that jaws magically came out of the cracks and ate my leg for lunch..vivid imagination i know. But, I did finally get into the tide pool and it was so beautiful. The water was like glass and it was very warm and the ocean kept rushing over the rocks in an awesome white spray. I'm just really impressed, the rocks on the way down were incredibly jagged and steep but we kept going and made it to this amazing oasis--I never thought in a million years that I would be swimming in a tide pool after completing an arduous hike and footing around on black rocks bare foot watching the ocean rise and fall inbetween the rocks. gorgeous.

I definitely got a little sunburned but right when we got home from kozo sushi and coffee bean I booked it into the shower and then lathered myself in aloe vera gel, ouchie sunburns are the worst so I'm attempting to prevent any kind of unnecessary pain. then we ate our sushi and had some more coffee and relaxed to watching will and grace. now we are on the balcony before getting ready. I am so excited to go to Japanese food tonight. I'm trying to be more open minded and spontaneous. I just feel so full of life. It's easy to turn inward and not want to let people in and just be a vegetable but life is amazing. I want to hike more in tucson and just enjoy things, if it is school. I get so bogged down in the drudgery of work and school. I just like being outdoors and smelling the ocean. you lose yourself in deadlines I think.

Anyways so i'm going to try Sake tonight and that should be interesting.

Hello honolulu

So today was..amazing.

allison and i went to waikiki this morning..well rested and happy. the sun was shining and waking up in the morning making coffee and eating fiber toast with cream honey was the most phenomenal thing ever.

the tourists were priceless, everybody was jam packed into this 2 inch space of beautiful beach; but who the hell cares right? we took cute pictures, had some random japanese asian gangsta ask to take a picture of us and it was pricelessly awkward but everything pretty much is

then we went and got kozo sushi which will just change your life if you ever have it; then we came home went on a total butt run, sweated our brains out and then came home showered and watching sex and the city eating our yummy sushi. Yeah so now we are drinking the most amazing riesling and about to maybe smoke with brian downstairs..loving my life right now.

tomorrow we are going hiking and no worries i will take picture. originally i was going to write a very insightful entry but who has time to be contemplative about life and guys in hawaii? not me. i'm drinking a fucking margarita in love with allison. til tomorrow,

hugs and kisses

Okay flu...you win.

well i'm recovering from the flu...sitting in my room watching Lost and attempting not to think about things..it's been easier for me than you'd think. It's just too much to sit around and contemplate what's been happening and how significantly things have changed in my life.

I'm leaving for honolulu on thursday and i couldn't be more excited...I just want to be there...feeling the sand in between my toes and the soothing sounds of the ocean rolling over me. I want to run everyday and go snorkeling and get out of here.

Eric is still calling as if nothing has changed, it's been hard because he has been gone for lax. but it's like--is this enough? I need more now. Before, I was always the strong one for him. but the minute the tables changed, I lost priority to a beer pong game. Imagine what that does to your self-worth. It was bad enough losing my dad, i didn't want to lose him too. I can't cry about it. I dont know why. I'm just not ready. It's unfair to call me and tell me how sorry you are and how things will be different but yet nothing changes. It's hypocritical. I have weird dreams that my dad comes back--my therapist thinks he will but i tell people that he died. because he did right? He died to me. He cut me out of his life as if i didn't matter or have feelings of my own. that's not what fathers do. it just hurts..but these are the things i don't think about.

Tomorrow I have alot to do. I have to wake up and go to the administration building 210 and get my transcripts, then fill out a few applications for westminster and submit the packet to the my advisor in the study abroad building. I wish i would have done this earlier but time crept up on me. I also had a pointless meaning with Professor Epstein today, feeling like HELL i might add. he basically told me to troppe track..I was like--"obviously"...he doesn't think highly of me and i can sense it, i definitely have alot of slack to make up for with this paper--i just need the motivation. I just feel defeated in everything; it's weird. but it's up to me.

Me and my bag of problems

there are two kinds of people:

the first are the people who listen to you and really truly care

the second are the people who listen to you half-heartedly and are thinking "thank god that's not me."

What sucks is the fact that i didn't take my Lexapro today, i hate it so much. It makes me feel like i just got tranq darted or something, absolutely sedated and really really nauseated. So I didn't want to take it and it's funny that I totally and utterly fall apart. I thought it was maybe worse to be so out of it all the time, but I really just can't cry anymore. It comes in waves, and it just rushes over me and I feel like I can't stand. So i'm going to take it, for this month, like i'm prescribed. I'm only taking half doses because my body responds to it so oddly. you're not supposed to mix it with alcohol or anything, and i just really couldn't help myself. I didn't want to feel even more isolated from everybody by being like "sweet, party..get away from me drunk assholes" lol.

It's hard enough to be there..now with things, the last thing I want is to FEEL even more like an oddball. It's not that drinking is normal but it's normal for ME on a weekend, with my friends, in moderation. It was just nice to feel something other than sadness/anger. Allison and I were going to smoke after our run; but we didn't, i guess i'm glad because i don't want to turn to it but i feel like it's the only thing that'll relax me. I can't meet with my therapist til next monday, what is the point of having one when you need to meet with them and they can't? It's just such a stupid cycle. Everything that has gone wrong is in the past, it's already happened. it's over and i feel like i missed out on everything; I don't want to feel so blah anymore. I don't want to TALK about my issues--it's pointless really, sorry is the most overused word in the dictionary. besides like. sorry doesn't get me anywhere, it just makes the person saying it feel like they fulfilled their obligation. i think people should say.."Why don't you..." or "What are you doing to get beyond it?" i know that's alot to ask and that majority of the world doesn't know what to say, but if i don't know what to say and you dont know what to say then what is the point of talking about it? I just want to learn how to "frame" it to make it less stressful. to look at it from a new and bolder perspective. it's just tough.

eat.sleep.exercise.

I'm taking the solo approach even though i cringe at the idea of being on my own. but if you think about it, i've been alone in this since the get go. i'm thankful for my friends--who don't mind talking even if it's roundabout and unproductive. I just wish i could go back to be happy go lucky. i wish i didn't have any issues. i wish i had a father. i wish my father didn't affect me. From now on, if someone asks me about him i'm going to say he's dead. because he died to me. i wrote that without crying..that's something. I called the therapist today to see if i could get my appt moved from monday to tomorrow out of desperation and it was a no go. something like that much desperation for somebody to fucking help you makes you realize you're crazy. I guess we're all a little crazy anyway.

I've been fighting with eric like it's my job because there is an entire atlantic ocean between us. we're on different continents. different planets even. I stopped answering his phone calls tonight because i'm just so completely tired of all the shit. I dont want to worry about missing out on a party--it's not my priority. I'm worried about missing out on who i am as a person. I don't even know myself anymore. All i know is that i'm stuck between a rock and hard place with piles of shit just being shoveled ontop of me. Mediocre dilemmas are tiresome and i'm over them. I'm thankful for my friend saying tonight "just a house party? he's not hanging out with you for a house party? There's a lot of guys who would miss out on a lot more than a house party for you..wow." and that's true. so instead of feeling like i've been abandoned by more than one person to add onto everything, i've stopped receiving calls. i dont need to deal with that right now and i deserve alot better. I just really really really really want to have my appt NOW and not have to grumble and grudge through the weekend. My mom told me just to exercise, eat healthy, and sleep. that might have worked if i'd had a bad day but i'm having a horrendous moment that just gets compounded by all the other bullshit of being a 20 y/o girl in college.


this is going to sound incredibly superficial, but i've had this song on repeat the entire journal writing process. nobody gets it, but u2 gets it. Father's can really..really..break you apart:

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

I know that we don't talk
I'm sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me - when - I -
Sing, you're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me...

Where are we now?
I've still got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone...

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own




i will always see a semblance of my father when i look in the mirror, and i will always have the happy childhood memories but they are ruined now..or maybe just painfully bittersweet

The most negative entry of all time

Nobody cares what anybody else goes through because ultimately it's momentary for them and permanent for you. People kid themselves into thinking that other people are dependable and will share their sadness but the truth is nobody wants to be miserable so when you're miserable, good luck and god speed because you're in a sandstorm all alone.

I now think differently about the question "would you take a bullet for someone else" because in truth, nobody would take a bullet for another person. People value their own lives more than anybody elses and that's just human nature, the survival impulse (except my mom) . They'd probably throw you under the bus if it really mattered because what makes your life more valuable than theirs? I know that's negative but i'm feeling negative. I'm sick of "I want to be here for you"--- then be fucking here for me. Words are trivial and meaningless without action. Case and point--my father. The last thing I need is replicas of my father all around me. It just is so absolutely despicable that he's not even a part of my life anymore and i feel absolutely devastated. You'd think i would be happy to be totally independent of him but the truth is i feel dead. I feel totally lifeless and that something has changed in me, something altering that maybe only comes with great suffering and loss. The worst part is that he's probably going on with his life totally uninhibited by anything that happened between us and here i am at 1am with destroyed relationships over my reaction to our severed ties. I'm fucking putting jelly on bread this morning and wondering if troy is going to tell him about my grades this semester and how smart i am. And then I stopped to realize how ridiculous that is because they probably won't even mention me because after all, i'm not a part of his life anymore and pretty meaningless.

Its enough to make you sick isn't it? He can send me an e-mail that completely alters my course of my life and wellbeing and he can just go on with his picture perfect existence thinking that i'm a selfish cold-hearted monster of a daughter. Isn't there something in human instinct to protect your child, to love your child?? I can't imagine abandoning someone but yet it happened and it happens all the time. It just makes me so mad. Why did i have to have a shit father? Why couldn't i be enough? And why is it when you need people the most they aren't around. Nobody is to be found. Maybe because nobody wants to be found. When it comes down to it, to all the people i can talk to there aren't any. There aren't any because i dont want to unload all that i'm carrying around on anybody else, because it's horrible enough as it is and totally embarrassing. So i'm going to have a miserable life while everybody else continues with their saturday night partying and drinking because nothing shitty has happened to them recently. I just fucking hate the world right now and just want to go home to santa fe and sit on my patio and watch the stars and get my life together--a totally and absolute overhaul. Why can't I be with somebody rushing to come over, bringing a movie and just pulling me close and letting me cry knowing that i'm not capable of letting myself do it for an inate unwillingness to be vulnerable. That's never going to happen. So what's the point of even bothering with other people?

To make everything 1000x worse, i can't find Lenna's ring. I went to look for it the other day and it's missing. I can't imagine where it could be or how it could've gotten lost because it's my most sacred possession. I distinctly remember not wanting to bring it to Santa Fe because i was afraid I would lose it, but now i can't remember if i brought it with me to keep it close and accidently left it there. My foot is shaking so rapidly right now because the very thought of losing it makes my heart come out of my throat into a splatter on the keyboard. I just can't seem to get anything right. I dont' want to be around anybody and i'm sure nobody wants to be around me. I just wish i could actually change the course of my thoughts into something positive but it all seems so superficial and stupid. I really dont know what to do with myself.

Fiction

I've been reading "adam bede" by George Eliot. Earlier, I was reading and I felt overwhelmed at the language but now when I was sitting in bed attempting to sink into the world of the book it began to take shape, simply because it's far from my own.

escapism.

That is what fiction is all about--living vicariously through a character; simulation of experiences, falls, and courageous actions. I need a little more Elizabeth in my own personality

I just feel tired. tired to the point of psuedo apathy. I can't truthfully say i'm apathetic although that's disappointing in itself, i wish i was. I try to say "i don't care" whether it be in reference to what shoes my brother buys, whether or not I see Eric, or whether or not I care about what happened with my father. The brutal truth is that i'm a stranger in my own body. I kept pulling away from Eric tonight because I just wanted to crawl into my apartment and just sit where I wouldn't be bothered. Everything is irritating. Life is irritating because i cannot seem to do anything right. I'm irritated that i'm irritated--attempting to feel normal because coincidentally nobody else felt like going out tonight. i can hide under the facade of being tired from work or just overwhelmed with school but it's so far beyond that. I think i need to talk to someone, i'm just...inexplicably uninterested and foreign.

I wrestle with it because on one hand I really need to talk to someone and feel that i'm not a depressive headcase and that stuff like this happens...but on the other i hate talking and feeling like someone is thinking "thank god that's not happening to me and her life sucks" it's just so unproductive to talk to someone who has no idea or real care of what you're going through. I almost want someone to be like "I know you better than that, and you may be trying to come off cool and collected but I see in your little compulsions that you're falling apart--don't worry though i'll glue you back together"

I'm even tempted to erase this whole thing because I dont want to feel this way or have real problems. I know that i'm blessed in alot of ways..I have great friends, intelligence, opportunities and a fortunate family..but at the end of the day it's just me and my thoughts. I have nightmares and yesterday I could run all I wanted but i couldn't shake them off me.


I just really don't know anymore and it seems easy to say all things pass..I know all the stock quotes..I tell myself things..there's always tomorrow--i'm right where I want to be--everything happens for a reason. but sometimes life is a bitch. It hurts while its happening..but we lick our wounds

It hurts worse today, if that's possible.

my mom called this morning and i told her about the email, minus the "Self-centered like your mother" abomination. She told me that he will never change and he is projecting his misgivings on me. She reminded me that i have never been mean to him and that "family" is about unconditional love. People will love you in spite of your bad qualities and admire you for your good traits, unconditionally. She said that I should print out his e-mail, put it in my diary and look at it when I question why my father and I do not have a relationship.

She told me never to blame myself because that's a heavy burden I should not weight on myself. So i spent the morning scrubbing the kitchen, microwave included. I changed the vac bag and cleaned up my room. This morning when I woke up I washed off the smudged mascara and put cool water to ease the swolleness of my eyes. It feels like a bad dream.

what it means to be my mother's daughter

It's one of those moments that you always knew would happen but hoped it would never come. A picture with a broken frame. My dad just sent me an email, (not even a phone call) telling me that he is a hurt by my responses to him asking me to come and visit, he told me that i make time to go visit my grandmother over thanksgiving but not him and that later on in life being selfish like my mother will not result in happiness..and happiness is the key to life. He will no longer be trying to contact me but will always support me if he can


WHAT THE FUCK?

Are you fucking kidding me? He claimed that the only time i contact him is when i am asking for money--is he living in a dream world? I'm 20 years old and in college; he doesn't help financially whatsoever. If my mom didn't do well for herself i would be screwed, and definitely not living in a nice apartment and attending a university. He is such a DICK. First of all, how dare he call my mother selfish who has sacrificed everything above and beyond to take care of me, she calls me to wish me luck on my finals and always makes me feel better about anything--my father on the other hand did not even know what year i was in college or what my degree was in. Seriously? I'm just so exhausted with him--I want nothing to do with him and he has made that decision very easy for me. He must be clueless to what he is like to deal with, this overwhelming berating individual that is never satisfied. My mother sends me cards just to say she is proud of me---I get a phone call from my dad once every 4 months to talk about my brother. Fuck you if you think visiting my 93 year old grandmother isn't a priority----she means more to me than he ever will. I just hate that i'm crying right now, he doesn't deserve my tears but i can't make myself not feel so hurt by him. it's so typical, my father is the only man that makes me cry--how disfunctional is that?? Now i just don't know if i should email him back and let him have it, maybe it would go something like this

I am shocked and taken aback by your email, I am incredibly angered that you had the audacity to call my mother selfish, she must be selfish to pay for my tuition, my books, my car, my apartment, my cell phone, send me cards just to say "I am proud of you!", call me the morning of my finals to wish me luck and talk to me everyday just to say hello. She has supported 3 children and makes us her priority--that is selfish. On the other hand as of our last conversation you weren't aware what my major was. I am incredibly resentful that you implied my mother would not give me lenna's intended inheritance--it was inappropriate and disrespectful not only to my mother but to me because i was more concerned with grieving her loss and not "monetary" matters contrary to what you seem to think i am consumed with. I do work to help with finances because my mother pays for all my educational finances leaving me to take care of my other financial responsibilities--a job is necessary to do that; to criticize me for being responsible in keeping my job is ridiculous. Also, my grandmother is 93 years old and after losing Lenna I realize the importance of visiting with her as much as possible, she extends an interest in me and vice versa and I am incredibly lucky to have her in my life and enjoy her company. Seeing that you were harshly honest with me, I feel that it is only fair i am the same with you--we lack any fundamental grounds for communicating, your conversations with me are generic and generally center around the actions of Troy. Obviously learning about me as a person and establishing a relationship based on ME and YOU is unattainable for you and your emotinal aptitude with a female; this leaves me feeling distant from you and resentful that I do not have a father-daughter relationship like my friends. This has been the case since i was in highschool, i have always felt distances and lacking a strong bond--I am perfectly capable of having a 5 minute conversation once a week about golf, troy, the weather, and how Yuliya is doing..but it is purposeless when you do not value me as a person. Your rude commentary about my mother is yet another splinter in our relationship--this is probably unknown to you but she never speaks poorly of you to me understanding what an awkward position that would put me in. on the other hand, you are habitually disrespectful towards my mother and I can no longer handle this with silence. I am my mother's daughter and THAT is happiness for me.

Her bare foot eased on the break, staring ahead at the flashing red lights--a necessary precaution. And with that her tightened back leaned into the blackness of the seat, white knuckled hands on 10 and 2. A part of her was keenly aware that the other drivers must feel annoyance at this moment, but to her it was a needed reprieve. An unfolding metaphor. It occurred to her then that this oncoming train was not only rushing across the tracks noisily but it was coming and at any moment was going to crash into her life. Her car and body tingled at the reverberations from the power of the train..10 and 2..10 and 2. She smiled, one of those smirks that is the body's release of tension finding its way into an unnatural shape. Odd it was, she smiled when instead what felt most natural was to cry. To get out of her car and just run behind the train screaming "Just finish it off!" bowing to her knees in the limp nature of a doll to find the pieces that mattered most in the wreckage. Fragments of her heart..her sense of being..an unwanted jealousy..pictures of laughing friends..and a ring that reminded her of life's unfairness and somewhere in the distance lay a singed photo of a little girl who idolized her father. It was at this moment she felt the cruelness of life's intangibility. Reaching for life in things that were not real. Searching for herself in objects that were temporal. Her desperate hands returned with ashes mixed with dust, and her first unabashed tear rolled off her cheek and onto the dirt to start the process of regrowth again.

I'm at a crossroads and this time I can feel it in my bones. It's the strangest sensation; i'm so exhausted with life that i'm indifferent, almost dead inside like Clegg from "The Collector" or as exasperated as Miranda. I couldn't tell you if you asked where it came from, it creeped upon me like a hailstorm. I'm reading a book that made me cry, i was embarrassed--not being in my own room and shedding a tear for someone I wanted so desperately to pull from the book and hug. It's Toni Morrison's "The Bluest Eye" and it's the most significant piece of literature i've ever read. It does something to you--if you let it I suppose. I guess I fell victim to a guilty conscience. I feel so selfish, so focused on myself. I guess a journal is vainity in the end, like John Fowles wrote, "But it's vain, you write what you want to hear." I don't think I really believe that because I write to empty my mind, to put things on paper

"for all the time, I didn't want to write. Sometimes I wanted to. Then it seemed weak. Like accepting things. I knew as soon as I wrote it down i'd go off the boil. But now I think it needs writing down. Recording."


This sounds cliche but I don't care--reading these two books makes me feel empty on the inside, I empathize so much with Pecola and even Clegg that I start to see the world through their eyes and it just depresses me so much. This semester all of the books have focused on the loss of innocence, the cruelty of imperialism, the absence of true love, poverty, betrayal, jealousy, adultery, etc. It's so dark..so negative. Where is Pride and Prejudice and Smitten to remind me of the beauty in things? Haha I guess Jamie's parent's 25th anniversary can count towards something positive, or finally getting our wall organized and decorated, getting an A+ on my Midterm..or being able to have a long talk about loves won and loves lost. It occurred to me that when I listen to other people being downtrodden i'm instantly wanting to put them back in their rightful place, like a book awry on the shelf. But I also realized something--we try so hard to dust eachother off that we forget the right to feel sad for awhile, that there is no shame or "immaturity" in feeling disappointed or confused about someone else's actions. Pride is dangerous and I'm more aware of my own--pride from fear of looking like a fool or pride from fear of loving someone too much, completely and totally. Sometimes, I think we need to raise our white flags and admit that the world got the best of us..

The two of us in that room. No past, no future. All intense deep that-time only. A feeling that everything must end, the music, ourselves, the moon, everything. That if you get to the herat of things you find sandess for ever and ever, everywhere; but a beautiful silver sadness, like a Christ face. Accepting the sadness. Knowing that to pretend it was all gay was treachery. Treachery to everyone sad at that moment, everyone ever sad, treachery to such music, such truth. In all the fuss and anxiety and the shoddiness and the business, making a career, getting pashes, art, learning, grabbing frantically at experience, suddenly this silent silver room full of that music.

And is it treachery to have such a lonely side when I know that I have more happiness then most can wish for? Perhaps i'm victimizing myself for being fortunate. I couldn't tell you. Sometimes I think it would be interesting to go to a psychiatrist and spill my guts and have someone listen analytically instead of half willingly or half intuitively.

I would love for someone to tell me why when my father called me tonight I felt instantly jolted with shock and then discomfort, tension, and an unnerving presence of "awkward silences." I hate talking about it because I feel embarrassed and conscious of my pathetic situation and my vulnerability to it. I tear up, I busy myself with fixations to rid myself of physical discomfort. It's odd how I was thinking the other day what an unfortunate situation it is. I have been alive for 20 whole years without my father knowing more than my name, my age, and that my brother and I hated eating at the same place. I could go into how much of a loss i've suffered from reality hitting me in the face like a cold slap that my father doesn't care enough to know me--is there ever such a thing as too little too late? He suggested I come and stay with him this summer in Nevada. I retorted that I had plans to go abroad this summer; almost as if to say...I'm capable of what Troy is--you'll see. Just picturing the awkwardness of living with my dad for 3 months makes me cringe. He can't even talk to me on the phone without using filler phrases and not even really listening

How are things going?
How is school going?
Are you working?
Have you talked to Troy?
Weather?
Alright, talk to you later


All day I have been searching for recognition in other people for my A+ on my midterm, and nothing fulfilled it. Eric was less than ecstatic, instead taking it as a moment to contrast with his own stress. Then my dad was so absent from my conversation, it was the first thing I told him looking for some sense of pride..and he then asked me how school was going after I just said "I got an A+ on my second midterm"...it's amazing how people choose not to listen. Either way in the end he didn't hear me or tell me I made him proud. Luckily I have a mom that surpasses anyone and everyone else. She sent me a card today that said "Just sending you a little hug" and told me she misses me everyday and how proud she is of me. I just wanted to cry because I needed that more than anything today...i miss her so much and can't wait to go home. I'm just so over dealing with other people's shit. Even my own drama, i'm just going to roll down the window of my car and let it out, or pedal it to oblivion in spin cycling. Tomorrow i'm going to wake up and do whatever I feel like doing. I don't know if i just want to be alone for awhile or what. A part of me is knowledgable that i'm being dramatic, but that's nothing new in moments like these. An hour ago I was relishing in the fantastic comfort of being loved and in love with a guy that sends me texts all day saying he loves me but then it's squashed when a skank bag says she hooked up with him on a fb status, it's something so stupid and trivial and but it's compounded with other things and it just gets under my skin--which is unwelcome and unwanted..it makes you want to throw your hands up and say I'M DONE WITH YOU You try and shake it off..like stress or bitchy comments or a leaf in your hair even. I'm tired from bringing up things that are erroneous in etiquette..

"All the mud of their stale ideas on the shoe of me. The new shoe of me."

So i think in one exasperated comment i'll rid myself for-ev-er of bringing it up.

A quote in ode to my friends' boy drama.

The power of women! I've never felt so full of mysterious power. Men are a joke. We're so weak physically, so helpless with things. Still, even today. But we're stronger than they are. We can stand their cruelty. They can't stand ours. I shall still have my woman-me he can never touch...

So..we went camping?

Haha so last night my roomies and erin's boyfriends roomies piled into 2 SUV's and took off to Mt. Lemmon. It was so beautiful, It's bizarre when i hear people talking about how tucson is a gorgeous place..but now I know why they think that--Mt Lemmon was so beautiful, it reminded me of home. On the drive up i experienced, for the first time, motion sickness. I'm not sure if it was being in Dan's truck and winding turns, but I was happy at that moment to have a motion sickness veteran beside me to help me out and snag my book from my hands. Then, as we were getting close to our camp side and our stomachs were at their wits end, a random object bombadeered through the open passenger window, found it's way into the backseat and stabbed me right in the left boob. Screaming and a flurry of limbs left a wasp on erin's crotch, a stinger in my boob that burned like 1000 needles..I thought I had been shot lol. But Dan just keep on trucking along, I guess if all chaos ensues during the ride--atleast the driver kept focused on the mission to the campgrounds...jeez!

Anyways, the girly girls bucked up--set up tents, attempted to gather fire wood with a series of karate kicks and failed efforts resorting to pine needles..the only problem was that it had rained so everything was WET. We ended up going to the guys' camp site next to us and borrowed lighter fluid which did nothing. but eventually after eating smores and drinking we didn't really care that our fire sucked..but we relied on the entertainment of the guitar, drinking games, and the company of my favorite people. I had a blast i'm so happy that I got to go and i can't wait to go again. jamie and amy vow that they are never going again because they aren't really nature girls..but who knows maybe they will change their mind.

It was really fun but I must admit i have never smelled a nastier bathroom in my life..i wrapped my scarf around my face like I was going into a gas chamber..which i guess it was equivalent to. I was really happy to finally get to IHOP this morning and eat yummy pancakes and eggs...but even more excited to take a hot shower and wash my hair and my body like there was no tomorrow. Now i'm going to curl up in my comfy bed and read Mhudi and then reward myself with Desperate Housewives and then out to dinner for Eric's bday dinner.

I'm really proud of myself and my friends were doing something so out of our character and making the most of it and not just being like..bleh let's go home. Also, my mom and zach are coming tomorrow for lunch so i'm so so so happy because i'm homesick everyday, just for the little things and the comfort of being home with my family.

checking in.

Alright well i just reviewed my homework til Thursday and my head is spinning. I just finished reading The Secret Sharer by Conrad and took a brief reprieve to eat dinner and watch Desperate Housewives with Amy. I am now about to undertake reading 2 chapters of Virginia Woolf's "A Room of One's Own" in order to write a response paper tomorrow before reading two other books assigned in my last english class and write a summary of each one. Then, I have to read 15 pages out of Colonial Africa (which is a huge book..it's not an easy task).

I really miss Santa Fe right now..I guess more than that I miss being at home. I was thinking today after spin cycling when Annie, Tattiana and I had gone shopping and were sitting in the middle of the plaza with the trees lit up and the cloud rumbling with thunder and then the water sprinkling all over the cozy green grass and all the people bustling in and out of the shops. It was a moment where I could taste the rain on my lips and treasure the smell. I'm really excited for Annie to come and visit me in Tucson and more than i'm excited about going to Melbourne for the summer and hopefully living together. I cannot wait to get out of the country, i'm finally turning into my older brother and ready to get going.

The upside of anger

People don't know how to love. They bite rather than kiss. They slap rather than stroke. Maybe it's because they recognize how easy it is for love to go bad, to become suddenly impossible... unworkable, an exercise of futility. So they avoid it and seek solace in angst, and fear, and aggression, which are always there and readily available. Or maybe sometimes... they just don't have all the facts.


Today has been incredibly lackadaisical..finished reading "A room of one's own" by Virginia Woolf..I feel strange reading another woman's diary..her personal thoughts on an essay prompt entitled "Women and Fiction."

I'm spoiled and privileged to live in a time where women are free to be educated and keep their own money..intriguing isn't it? To think that just years ago my life would be completely different and the world would seem as if it was an alternate universe. This could be considered an empowerment of women and that I am turning slowly but surely into an annoying feminist, but that would be shortsighted and pretty indignant. The truth is--women are not what they used to be.

The past is a foreign country, they do things differently there.

I think of women, more specifically--i think of my family. My great aunt who would never have allowed anyone to disregard her opinion or disrespect her individuality..my grandmother who doesn't know what it is to have a bad day or not smile away a problem..and my mother..who is harder to define..is a fighter and i'm so lucky to know her..to have her has my own. I think about how raw it is to care so much about another person when you see them faulter, you stop in tracks and hold your breath. My little brother is on my mind alot lately--i worry. I worry about how he is going to be accepted by his peers and how he is going to acclimate to a world that seems like a parallel universe; and maybe santa fe is. But that's what I needed this summer. I needed a fresh slate to grow and to learn and to make my own mistakes and learn a little bit about myself through the risks I took. It may seem odd considering how homesick i was for my friends and phoenix when I got there but i gained so much; I met so many people that I will treasure in a box of memories--remembering what they had to offer and for the first time in my life being outside of their circle and disproving their misgivings about me..

"Your favorite color is pink, working out is the first thing you think about and you're in a sorority"...I still don't know if i ever proved MIcah wrong..but somewhere in the weeks that passed I stopped caring. not completely, but mostly. I'm worried that now that i'm back i'm going to revert to my old trepidatious ways. Inside of me is a little candle that is growing and i'm hoping it will surge and take over and remind me that no one is capable of affecting me in a negative way and nobody is worth a second thought that doesn't demand respect and deserve it. I never thought i would say this and i'm slightly weary to say it--but there are alot of weeds in my past, individuals that took advantage of my optimism about them and ended up being as worthless as deep down I know they knew they were. I consider sending a message of 'closure' and then I think that perhaps these people are so conceited and ignorant that they probably believe they were fool proof in their ways. Perhaps that is one of the most erroneous mistakes a person could make, not taking ownership of your own misgivings and your own flaws--I have and if they had things would not be awkward. People harbor ill will towards another when they are not capable of finding solitude within themself. I used to think what I could have done differently and in all honestly, I feel time is wasted doing that--although I have benefitted myself and grown as an individual I just need to let go and move on from their affliction. I was angry, but the upside of anger is that you can defeat it and become something greater. I know that i am a better, kinder, and more intelligent person than they will ever be able to become..and with that i see no need to continue to feel intimidated, concerned, or annoyed by their behavior. My mom has always reminded me to be a better person and acknowledge their prescence if our paths should cross; but frankly i don't think they deserve it--What a liberating sentence..and with that i'm going to read something I know nothing about..colonial Africa.

On the end of summer..

I just finished watching the movie Prime with Uma Thurman and Meryl Streep and it left me thinking about relationships and the altercations that go hand in hand with being in one. People are complicated, things are complicated, and learning to let yourself fall in love with someone is complicated--it's a vulnerability that is unsurpassed. Granted, yes that is a little dramatic-but point being, allowing yourself the total company of another person is intimidating.

This summer i was terrified at the aspect of being without my boyfriend and my roomates and all the securities that are tied to the companionship of people that know you. The instant you are having a bad day the ramifications can be felt like ripples in a tide pool, there is no bluffing emotions with people who know you and all the games you play. I admire my brother for his ability to pack up and leave the country after college and move to Colombia and create an entirely new life that i was no longer the center of but a part of. Interestingly enough, somebody told me that they were aware i had a whole life in arizona to get back to.

This summer was a segment, a book page, a moment. I get so aggravated because i am now keenly aware of how much growing up i have to do. I'm not the woman i want to be; but a girl in the midst of webs and decisions that leave me wondering if know who i am. Your identity is everything and the ability to grasp what you want, where you want to be, and who you want to be with is inevitably pertinent. But more than that, i know that i need to let life happen and live in the moment. live in the now. be present. I spend so much time daydreaming about other things that i need to get a grip on myself and figure out exactly what it is i'm doing. Am i going to london and to visit Annie in Australia? I want to--but will i do it? I need to step out of my comfort zone in a large way. Santa fe was a microcosm in the grand scheme of me coming out of my shell and letting strangers in to the crazy world I call my own.

As could be guessed from my clockwork habits, i'm scared to go back to school. Once i'm in a place I never want to leave. Change is uncomfortable but I know that when i get to school i won't want to come back to santa fe next summer..we'll bypass christmas b/c i definitely have alot of snow time to catch up on. Snowmans anyone? I'm looking forward to watching the snow fall and contemplating all the lessons i learned fall semester. I feel that i have so much left to learn and there is something beautiful in that, scary but beautiful. I feel confident in leaning on myself for the first time and i really really really need to learn how to de-stress myself and just breathe. Life isn't going to end because of a test but nor am i going to get any nearer to my goals because of that. One step at a time, one tick of the clock at a time. One annoying employee at a time and one disgruntled trepidation at a time. I'm going to just breathe and let the pieces fall as they may--confident that my steps are my own and my actions are my own and at the end of the day life is one big experience waiting to happen. i'm still chickenshit because that statement terrifies me, it gets under my skin the idea that i am not in control. BUT red alert check..i control how i act in uncontrollable situations. that's key. shakespeare said it and i love it..there is nothing neither good nor bad but ideas that make it so.

you me and dupree

Since i knew you all my thoughts are real
you're the only one i want to do
everything is new
and it's all cause of you

I've been moving because my heart is true
telling everyone i know about you
tell your mama that you won't be home
let your daddy know that you're not alone
all i want to do is make you mine
I said i love you honey anytime
don't believe the things they say about me
and allt he things you know i'd never be
you're the only one i want to do
everything's new
and it's all cause of you

all cause of you


Well, i've finally come to the conclusion that moving to Santa Fe has alot more to offer me than a change of address. The atmosphere is completely different from anything i've ever experienced--maybe that is why people travel; because places mold you and shape you, each area having it's own ideals and personality traits. The people are incredibly unique, each person i have encountered is polar opposite of me but maybe through osmosis i will take on their attributes of a laidback, carefree, happy demeanor at all times.



Santa Fe is nicknamed the Land of Manana. Appealing right? People don't show up to work on a sunny day because they are outdoors enjoying the beautiful scenery. The wealthiest people drive a prius and act humbly. Life is not a play, it's what we make of the people we are. Everyone has a story and I am overly eager to hear all about every detail. Anyways, it's green chile for thought; I want to learn how to relax and absorb the moments and the perfection around me and just count my blessings for my family, friends, and hope for the ability to appreciate how blessed i am to have more than i could have ever asked for. lately i've been meeting people who have traveled all over the world and it's really awaken the desire to travel in me--over dinner my brother mentioned to my mom that when i'm i London next summer he would meet up with me; i'd be so excited because last summer when he studied at Cambridge he picked up on all the places to go and that would be nice to have a pseudo tour guide. I also want to visit annie when she is in australia, i can't believe she is leaving in february and coming back the following december, next summer won't be the same without her . We go out so much and never take pictures and i'm going to put batteries in my camera and start to record our adventures, lol we decided to call this portion of our life "The Ridges, the real santa fe." because it's alot more exciting here than that show on mtv with lc from the oc..lol it's good to be stupid sometimes.

Last night we went and saw You me and dupree and it was classic. Owen wilson was adorable as usual and it also re-emphasized the idea of taking life with a grain of salt and reiterated the importance of priorities. Money isn't going to follow you into the afterlife--so visit the people you want to, buy the things that make you happy, and drink the expensive cocktail to avoid a hangover lol.

I have a lot to learn, especially about myself. I'll know i've come into my own when I can deal with my Dad in a logical manner and do things offiically for me and not care about what anybody else has to say. Oddly enough, there aren't a surplus amount of blonde's like in Arizona--i'm stereotyped and judged before I open my mouth the minute somebody sees me driving in a bmw with blonde hair; tomorrow morning i'm darkening my hair and normally i wouldn't even think about doing something like that but for some reason i'm excited and i think of it as kind of liberating. I'll be a little bit of both and hopefully a little edgier. I have so many different facets to my personality and it'll be kind of interesting to blend to the conservative polo wearing girl with the more free spirited side. It's nice to be able to reflect the changes on the inside with simple changes to the outside. Girls are lucky that way. This sounds out of the ordinary but i've even been thinking about getting a tattoo in a really light ink.."I carry your heart in mine" in reference to the EE Cummings poem..it has alot of meaning for me personally and i'd like to rememember this growth period. that same day i got a flyer about a tattoo parlor..fate..maybe


underneath the ink of my tattoo i try to hide my scars from you

HELLACIOUS

Hellacious day. I hate admitting it but sometimes i get so frustrated with things--a horrible day. I lost my driver's license and have no other form of identification in New Mexico; go figure. This afternoon my mom and I went to the DMV and I cannot get a new mexico driver's license unless I take a DWI class..um hello but I already have a driver's license you deadpan dmv worker. Seriously--I know how to operate a vehicle, just give me a copy of my license STAT. PRONTO. TONIGHT!


Does everyone in new mexico have their brain in a vat?

It just added so much stress to the weekend worrying about having identification for the airport, finally the woman gave me a New Mexico ID card..yeah woop woop, but not really. Then my mom had a moment and started crying because she forgot the actual title for the acura--something is in the air.

We then went to lunch at the Wok which was alright and compared horrible coworker stories and then i went to La Posada to work and eventually leave 5 hours later with 13 dollars because I refused to take tables desiring to go home more than do something purposeless with my time. I really really really miss my friends, more than ever. It isn't as much fun going out without people who are super energetic and dynamic. Everybody smokes..that's hot. Megan and Val are really fun but to me here, monday is the same as saturday and I want to go out every chance I get. I just want to be around people outside of work or go shopping..yes. My roomies need to come immediately. lol

I just finished hanging up the pictures in my room and a lot of my art work is religious, i love gothic crosses and angels--i want to fine tune my ideals about religion and find some informative books to read about different types of religion and what not. I'm not sure if i'm really a true catholic or if I even have a place in religion but I need to find a center and soon--I feel all over the place with my thoughts and my attitude. Really over working at this point and I miss having my bestfriends around me all the time to go do anything and everything..it's a big adjustment this summer---independence is in reach but i'm not extending. I just need to regroup my thoughts, i'm sick of people treating me like a child and being condescending to me at work--sorry serving isn't my life posada; and sorry your job as a manager sucks but the stop talking to me like i'm 5 and sassing yourself around. OVER AND OUT

duh nuh nuh!!!

Alright so today was errand running day. I went to target and was so excited to be in a target that something overtook me and i ended up spending alot of time smelling detergent and fabric softener and finally settled comfortably with the familiar aloe febreze..i love it. Then i got new shampoo and conditioner which later ended up being 2 conditioners, blow dryer, some head bands and then i went to the mall and got new perfume and cute "pink" sweatpants that are actually yellow and some new shoes for work that I like but aren't really really my style. I wanted to get the punkrose ones but they had white on them and we can't wear white Well anyways I was at La Posada tonight and I worked with adrian who is actually really entertaining, and then i got called by San Fran to work tomorrow night ontop of my day shift..who wants to work that much? Not me. Also, instead of spending 2 weeks in San Francisco i'm just going for the weekend. To be honest i'm relieved that i'm working b/c it's a good reason not to have to stay in Lenna's house. I just miss her..and being around all her belongings without her being there is just too much. Is that selfish? I know my mom needs my help but it's too emotional, granted i'm sure it's hard for her as well.

This morning i went and worked out and enita was the instructor for spin, it was just her me and one other lady--so hard haha. you couldn't slack off b/c you're like a foot away from her and she would be like "Court, adjust your resistance" haha i was caught. But i felt so much more relaxed after working out..it's nice to have a stress reliever every now again. And randomly enough i'm in love with the Paris Hilton songs, i went to buy the cd this morning but couldn't find it so i don't think it's been released yet. alright well i'm going to go sleep in my nice snuggly clean bed. sleep tight!!

it's not easy being green!

I'm so tired, but when i tried to lay down all i could think about was how the little grouch gremlin inside of me came out and now my tummy is all upset. I try and be optimistic, and majority of my day i'm in a great mood but there is that other 2% and if i stop and think too much about things i get sooooo frustrated. Everything is just like out of my hands right now and i'm such a control freak and i feel so lost and confused on a day to day basis. I scheduled an appointment for an interview on Monday, forgetting that the movers are coming with the furniture and that my mom will need my help--i'm just so over this move thing--it's so overwhelming all the little details. I have no right to complain b/c my mom is dealing with scheduling and everything. idk what's wrong with me. I dont want to be bratty and uncooperative, but i just miss my friends so much and i miss having MY THINGS. You know, when it comes down to the root of my frustration--it's because i'm angry. I'm angry that i left all my friends and am in a place where i dont know one street from the next. I just feel so lost. idk, i'm getting all teary eyed and that's the worst. i dont want to cry about it, it won't get me anywhere and then tomorrow my eyes will be puffy, not that anyone would know the difference.

And then now i'm upset b/c i have spin at 9am and i'm going to be exhausted and then i'll be irritable all day, i just can't catch up on sleep and i get so emotional when i'm tired..thus this frustration. I just want my life back, stat, pronto, tonight. i'm annoying myself right now, i really don't have any room to complain about my life but here I am at freaking 1am bemoaning moving to a new state--GET OVER IT. God, insert a really long sigh of desperation here. Sometimes you just want to stomp your feet and cry and then smile to yourself after b/c you know you just let it out. But instead, i'm holding it in, sucking it up, and giving myself a stomach ache and my boyfriend an earful..goodness.

it's going to take 2 or 3 years of abuse..before i can leave with my cds!!

So obviously last night I couldn't sleep at all, but this morning i woke up at 7:45 (i knooooow!) and i had some green tea and cereal and then i was out the door and got there early to warm up and it was really nice. It's good to wake up to happy music and a really ambitious work out. Everybody is so nice at my gym, but my favorite people are these 2 older ladies who attend a couple spin cycling classes a week, how impressive right? We talk about gardening and what plants grow here and where i should take classes--lol i feel like i have live in spin cycling grandma's.

As usual i'm listening to Dane Cook right now, and i remember when i was at work i saw a couple that HATED eachother. The woman is reading at the dinner table, he's sitting there like desperate for another beer but afraid to ask b/c you can tell she has him nut whipped. It's hilarious, i hear mumbles and i hear grumbles about what he can and cannot have to eat. She's just sitting there reading and he's looking around as if he is in a death trap--they had probably been married for years. Some part of me finds that hilarious--the rigamortis death grip, argument over every little thing and you get off the phone and you're like UNBELIEVABLE!!! Every relationship has those moments where no matter what the other person is saying you're like, just shut up already. Haha sometimes you just have to laugh about it. But yeah i'm deifnitely feeling better and loving my endorphins. But i need to shower b/c i'm sweaty, ick. adios muchachos!

and time stands still, it's at a picture

So I just got home from work---it's a cute little restaurant called San Francisco Bar and Grille and it's in the plaza. I really like everyone i work with, tonight the hostess Kelsi and i were sharing party and drunken moments; I feel like she kind of needs someone, as cliche as it sounds, to show her the way and take her under their wing. She's a little bit scandalous. She had a party at her house and woke up the next morning butt naked with writing all over her--i mean seriously, wouldn't a normal person not be mortified? but she just kind of told me unphased, and the other servers/managers make fun of her and call her a slut but that kind of behavior warrants major insecurity or a lack of direction. IDK I'm not trying to judge her or anything; i think more than ever you should do what makes you happy but how could something like that amuse you, i'd feel like an idiot. but then again maybe that's the me who has learned from my own stupid mistakes talking.

I talked to Desiree tonight on my "Sleepy hollow" esque walk home. I need to take a picture of my walk from the plaza. The trees are whispering with wind and the leaves make frightening shadows all over the wall and the cobblestone makes an eerie noise under the weight of your body--with all the gothic elements combined it terrifies me and i'm ready for a masked marauder or headless horseman to come out of the iron gates at any moment. I know this sounds bizarre, but I have a very vivid imagination. the average person would probably walk down the street and admire the sweet sound of the leaves rustling and the full moon overhead with stars dotting the sky; but instead i'm expecting Cujo to try and eat me and then spit out my bones. But that's neither here nor there; desi made me feel very homesick. Erin's bday dinner is on friday and i wish i was there, and brian's birthday was on tuesday and it would have been fun to take him out to dessert or something; but instead i'm in santa fe fearing for my life on the walk home lol.

I feel like Spin Cycling is school, and if i'm late the teacher is upset. This morning when my alarm went off at 8am I just stared at it and took a deep breath; in total turmoil whether or not I should go--but honestly my legs were so sore and I had calve cramps..so i decided to take a day off and sleep in. I ended up staying in bed til 10:30 and then getting up and hanging out for the rest of the day. I felt so guilty like Bruce was going to mark me off on his favorite list or something. But I swear i'm going to go tomorrow, it's just that the 9am class is too early but for some reason the 9:30 class is tolerable. odd. But after spin cycling i'm going to do a quick arm work out and then come home and finish packing up my clothes + odds and ends and clean up the bathroom b/c we are officially moving into our new house This may not seem like a big deal but i'm really really excited. We met with the previous owners during closing and they left numbers for plant nurseries, pond cleaners, the propane dealers, dsl and the satellite etc. Both my mom and I were so relieved and overwhelmed--there is so much more responsibility in this house than in arizona. My mom is really feeling burdened by taking care of the 9 pond fish (thank god they are relatively self sustaining and live off the pond plants) but we have to change the filter and monitor the water temperature etc...i just hope zoe and pax do not eat them. The other thing is that recently a virus spread to alot of Santa Fe trees (i'll learn the name) and the owners cut down 100 trees in our backyard alone, that's ALOT of trees. Even so, off the porch there are atleast 15 trees that need to go. It's really sad, when you are driving on the highway you look out the window and see gray gnarled trees, as if a fire went through, but in actuality it was a little bug that eats the roots of the plant and kills it. I'm also really apprehensive about the wildlife. Take into consideration my imagination; but i'm really worried about zoe and pax confronting the coyotes. My street has 5 houses on it, and our neighbors have a cat named Spanky who comes to our house (and the other neighbors) for treats, and the previous owners said "Anything without paint on it is a treat" and he's a very obese kitty, even this morning when my mom was there she fed him a package of tuna--haha obviously it doesn't matter who lives there. but anyways, our courtyard is his safe haven and he goes there to escape wild animals but the owners were in our kitchen and saw spanky dart across the window followed by a coyote, and then he went to see if he heard "death noises" and it was quiet so he kept waiting and then spanky came running, followed by 2 neighborhood dogs chasing the coyote! haha spanky was smart enough to go get help from the dogs (it's the whole territorial thing) and the coyote was more of a threat than the cat was. Idk if zoe and pax are that smart, and poor zeus might as well be a cat--i dont see him being very aggressive. but either way the first night we are there i'm taking zeusypooh around the perimeter or our property and having him pee on every single tree to scare away the coyotes--they dont know he's harmless. He also has to learn how to use a doggy door. He can't go in the backyard b/c of how open it is so he can go from the coyote yard, through the garage, and then into courtyard. I'm just nervous b/c it's so different. I know i'm going to jump off the deck in fear that a wild, rabid, hungry dog is waiting to eat me underneath. i'm already scaring myself. pathetic.

Exciting news!! John is coming through tomorrow from phoenix on his way to colorado, i'm so happy to have a familiar face--we're going to get lunch and i'll show him around santa fe. I think it'll be an interesting place to check out--hopefully it won't be as windy tomorrow as it was today and that he won't get lost lol--b/c idk my way around AT ALL, so i'm not help. My mom is out of town on business tonight and tomorrow so i feel all lonely and kind of isolated b/c idk how to drive anywhere but el gancho and to the plaza. I need to go pick up my pictures from walgreens, who has been calling me incessantly--i couldn't figure out who it was b/c idk any 505 numbers (4x in one day) and then go to the post office to resend my birthday packages. It's just kind of alot going on b/c we're in the process of moving and what not. The furniture is coming on monday along with the dsl guy and the dish tv guy. hopefully it will go smoothly. And then, drum roll, i'm going to albuquerque on friday and flying out to see baby til monday! I cannot wait, i just can't wait for a kiss and the biggest hug ev-er. I just wish i could sleep next to him at night, the only setback of not being at school--there is just a certain comfort sleeping next to someone you love, it's my favorite thing

Tonight @ work there was an 80s themed bachelorette party and they were sooooooo cute, she's getting married on Saturday (there are like 4 beautiful churches within a mile of eachother in the plaza) and it reminded me of the girls and our 80s theme party and I missed them in that moment. Everyone at work thinks i'm like super innocent and wholesome--haha it makes me laugh b/c i know my roomies know otherwise, lol it just made me look forward to our parties @ the exchange and having all our friends over again..i'm so happy!!! Also, the busser--Rodrigo, is the cutest most adorable sweetest man i've ever met. I just want to hug him. Tonight we talked all in spanish about his children and when he lived in El Salvador, it made me miss my brother and think of him--but it felt good to talk about him and his accomplishments, aw i just love him. But it was cute b/c Rodrigo has 2 children--Isamar (roll the r's!!) and Nelson Ivan, but it sounds so beautiful in spanish and he had never heard it pronounced in english as "eye-van" and he was telling all the other cooks about it. It's funny b/c when i leave a restaurant i generally miss the kitchen staff or feel sad to leave the bussers..i just love talking to them and they are always in such a good mood and so upbeat about life; it reminds me that i need to really take a step back from the material aspect of life and focus on the heart. It's hard, because I really like nice things and I love the things my family has given me, but at the same time it's not important how much money you have or what kind of jeans you have on--sometimes I realize that i'm pretty spoiled and other times nothing is enough--but I think when i'm being bratty and wanting more and more and more, it's generally b/c there is something going on inside and i feel that buying nice things makes me feel better. I guess i'm like every girl in the world. Unfortunately we all forget that there is mass genocide in places like Darfur where people are being killed for their heritage--it's so depressing and it kind of puts spending 180 dollars on hair into perspective, i should be donating that money. I feel so stupid and selfish right now. I can't wait to be out of college and actually go to Africa and make a difference--put my money where my mouth is. But alright, if i'm going to spin in the morning i need to head to bed. Sleep tight,