Me and my bag of problems

there are two kinds of people:

the first are the people who listen to you and really truly care

the second are the people who listen to you half-heartedly and are thinking "thank god that's not me."

What sucks is the fact that i didn't take my Lexapro today, i hate it so much. It makes me feel like i just got tranq darted or something, absolutely sedated and really really nauseated. So I didn't want to take it and it's funny that I totally and utterly fall apart. I thought it was maybe worse to be so out of it all the time, but I really just can't cry anymore. It comes in waves, and it just rushes over me and I feel like I can't stand. So i'm going to take it, for this month, like i'm prescribed. I'm only taking half doses because my body responds to it so oddly. you're not supposed to mix it with alcohol or anything, and i just really couldn't help myself. I didn't want to feel even more isolated from everybody by being like "sweet, party..get away from me drunk assholes" lol.

It's hard enough to be there..now with things, the last thing I want is to FEEL even more like an oddball. It's not that drinking is normal but it's normal for ME on a weekend, with my friends, in moderation. It was just nice to feel something other than sadness/anger. Allison and I were going to smoke after our run; but we didn't, i guess i'm glad because i don't want to turn to it but i feel like it's the only thing that'll relax me. I can't meet with my therapist til next monday, what is the point of having one when you need to meet with them and they can't? It's just such a stupid cycle. Everything that has gone wrong is in the past, it's already happened. it's over and i feel like i missed out on everything; I don't want to feel so blah anymore. I don't want to TALK about my issues--it's pointless really, sorry is the most overused word in the dictionary. besides like. sorry doesn't get me anywhere, it just makes the person saying it feel like they fulfilled their obligation. i think people should say.."Why don't you..." or "What are you doing to get beyond it?" i know that's alot to ask and that majority of the world doesn't know what to say, but if i don't know what to say and you dont know what to say then what is the point of talking about it? I just want to learn how to "frame" it to make it less stressful. to look at it from a new and bolder perspective. it's just tough.

eat.sleep.exercise.

I'm taking the solo approach even though i cringe at the idea of being on my own. but if you think about it, i've been alone in this since the get go. i'm thankful for my friends--who don't mind talking even if it's roundabout and unproductive. I just wish i could go back to be happy go lucky. i wish i didn't have any issues. i wish i had a father. i wish my father didn't affect me. From now on, if someone asks me about him i'm going to say he's dead. because he died to me. i wrote that without crying..that's something. I called the therapist today to see if i could get my appt moved from monday to tomorrow out of desperation and it was a no go. something like that much desperation for somebody to fucking help you makes you realize you're crazy. I guess we're all a little crazy anyway.

I've been fighting with eric like it's my job because there is an entire atlantic ocean between us. we're on different continents. different planets even. I stopped answering his phone calls tonight because i'm just so completely tired of all the shit. I dont want to worry about missing out on a party--it's not my priority. I'm worried about missing out on who i am as a person. I don't even know myself anymore. All i know is that i'm stuck between a rock and hard place with piles of shit just being shoveled ontop of me. Mediocre dilemmas are tiresome and i'm over them. I'm thankful for my friend saying tonight "just a house party? he's not hanging out with you for a house party? There's a lot of guys who would miss out on a lot more than a house party for you..wow." and that's true. so instead of feeling like i've been abandoned by more than one person to add onto everything, i've stopped receiving calls. i dont need to deal with that right now and i deserve alot better. I just really really really really want to have my appt NOW and not have to grumble and grudge through the weekend. My mom told me just to exercise, eat healthy, and sleep. that might have worked if i'd had a bad day but i'm having a horrendous moment that just gets compounded by all the other bullshit of being a 20 y/o girl in college.


this is going to sound incredibly superficial, but i've had this song on repeat the entire journal writing process. nobody gets it, but u2 gets it. Father's can really..really..break you apart:

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

I know that we don't talk
I'm sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me - when - I -
Sing, you're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me...

Where are we now?
I've still got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone...

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own




i will always see a semblance of my father when i look in the mirror, and i will always have the happy childhood memories but they are ruined now..or maybe just painfully bittersweet

The most negative entry of all time

Nobody cares what anybody else goes through because ultimately it's momentary for them and permanent for you. People kid themselves into thinking that other people are dependable and will share their sadness but the truth is nobody wants to be miserable so when you're miserable, good luck and god speed because you're in a sandstorm all alone.

I now think differently about the question "would you take a bullet for someone else" because in truth, nobody would take a bullet for another person. People value their own lives more than anybody elses and that's just human nature, the survival impulse (except my mom) . They'd probably throw you under the bus if it really mattered because what makes your life more valuable than theirs? I know that's negative but i'm feeling negative. I'm sick of "I want to be here for you"--- then be fucking here for me. Words are trivial and meaningless without action. Case and point--my father. The last thing I need is replicas of my father all around me. It just is so absolutely despicable that he's not even a part of my life anymore and i feel absolutely devastated. You'd think i would be happy to be totally independent of him but the truth is i feel dead. I feel totally lifeless and that something has changed in me, something altering that maybe only comes with great suffering and loss. The worst part is that he's probably going on with his life totally uninhibited by anything that happened between us and here i am at 1am with destroyed relationships over my reaction to our severed ties. I'm fucking putting jelly on bread this morning and wondering if troy is going to tell him about my grades this semester and how smart i am. And then I stopped to realize how ridiculous that is because they probably won't even mention me because after all, i'm not a part of his life anymore and pretty meaningless.

Its enough to make you sick isn't it? He can send me an e-mail that completely alters my course of my life and wellbeing and he can just go on with his picture perfect existence thinking that i'm a selfish cold-hearted monster of a daughter. Isn't there something in human instinct to protect your child, to love your child?? I can't imagine abandoning someone but yet it happened and it happens all the time. It just makes me so mad. Why did i have to have a shit father? Why couldn't i be enough? And why is it when you need people the most they aren't around. Nobody is to be found. Maybe because nobody wants to be found. When it comes down to it, to all the people i can talk to there aren't any. There aren't any because i dont want to unload all that i'm carrying around on anybody else, because it's horrible enough as it is and totally embarrassing. So i'm going to have a miserable life while everybody else continues with their saturday night partying and drinking because nothing shitty has happened to them recently. I just fucking hate the world right now and just want to go home to santa fe and sit on my patio and watch the stars and get my life together--a totally and absolute overhaul. Why can't I be with somebody rushing to come over, bringing a movie and just pulling me close and letting me cry knowing that i'm not capable of letting myself do it for an inate unwillingness to be vulnerable. That's never going to happen. So what's the point of even bothering with other people?

To make everything 1000x worse, i can't find Lenna's ring. I went to look for it the other day and it's missing. I can't imagine where it could be or how it could've gotten lost because it's my most sacred possession. I distinctly remember not wanting to bring it to Santa Fe because i was afraid I would lose it, but now i can't remember if i brought it with me to keep it close and accidently left it there. My foot is shaking so rapidly right now because the very thought of losing it makes my heart come out of my throat into a splatter on the keyboard. I just can't seem to get anything right. I dont' want to be around anybody and i'm sure nobody wants to be around me. I just wish i could actually change the course of my thoughts into something positive but it all seems so superficial and stupid. I really dont know what to do with myself.

Fiction

I've been reading "adam bede" by George Eliot. Earlier, I was reading and I felt overwhelmed at the language but now when I was sitting in bed attempting to sink into the world of the book it began to take shape, simply because it's far from my own.

escapism.

That is what fiction is all about--living vicariously through a character; simulation of experiences, falls, and courageous actions. I need a little more Elizabeth in my own personality

I just feel tired. tired to the point of psuedo apathy. I can't truthfully say i'm apathetic although that's disappointing in itself, i wish i was. I try to say "i don't care" whether it be in reference to what shoes my brother buys, whether or not I see Eric, or whether or not I care about what happened with my father. The brutal truth is that i'm a stranger in my own body. I kept pulling away from Eric tonight because I just wanted to crawl into my apartment and just sit where I wouldn't be bothered. Everything is irritating. Life is irritating because i cannot seem to do anything right. I'm irritated that i'm irritated--attempting to feel normal because coincidentally nobody else felt like going out tonight. i can hide under the facade of being tired from work or just overwhelmed with school but it's so far beyond that. I think i need to talk to someone, i'm just...inexplicably uninterested and foreign.

I wrestle with it because on one hand I really need to talk to someone and feel that i'm not a depressive headcase and that stuff like this happens...but on the other i hate talking and feeling like someone is thinking "thank god that's not happening to me and her life sucks" it's just so unproductive to talk to someone who has no idea or real care of what you're going through. I almost want someone to be like "I know you better than that, and you may be trying to come off cool and collected but I see in your little compulsions that you're falling apart--don't worry though i'll glue you back together"

I'm even tempted to erase this whole thing because I dont want to feel this way or have real problems. I know that i'm blessed in alot of ways..I have great friends, intelligence, opportunities and a fortunate family..but at the end of the day it's just me and my thoughts. I have nightmares and yesterday I could run all I wanted but i couldn't shake them off me.


I just really don't know anymore and it seems easy to say all things pass..I know all the stock quotes..I tell myself things..there's always tomorrow--i'm right where I want to be--everything happens for a reason. but sometimes life is a bitch. It hurts while its happening..but we lick our wounds

It hurts worse today, if that's possible.

my mom called this morning and i told her about the email, minus the "Self-centered like your mother" abomination. She told me that he will never change and he is projecting his misgivings on me. She reminded me that i have never been mean to him and that "family" is about unconditional love. People will love you in spite of your bad qualities and admire you for your good traits, unconditionally. She said that I should print out his e-mail, put it in my diary and look at it when I question why my father and I do not have a relationship.

She told me never to blame myself because that's a heavy burden I should not weight on myself. So i spent the morning scrubbing the kitchen, microwave included. I changed the vac bag and cleaned up my room. This morning when I woke up I washed off the smudged mascara and put cool water to ease the swolleness of my eyes. It feels like a bad dream.

what it means to be my mother's daughter

It's one of those moments that you always knew would happen but hoped it would never come. A picture with a broken frame. My dad just sent me an email, (not even a phone call) telling me that he is a hurt by my responses to him asking me to come and visit, he told me that i make time to go visit my grandmother over thanksgiving but not him and that later on in life being selfish like my mother will not result in happiness..and happiness is the key to life. He will no longer be trying to contact me but will always support me if he can


WHAT THE FUCK?

Are you fucking kidding me? He claimed that the only time i contact him is when i am asking for money--is he living in a dream world? I'm 20 years old and in college; he doesn't help financially whatsoever. If my mom didn't do well for herself i would be screwed, and definitely not living in a nice apartment and attending a university. He is such a DICK. First of all, how dare he call my mother selfish who has sacrificed everything above and beyond to take care of me, she calls me to wish me luck on my finals and always makes me feel better about anything--my father on the other hand did not even know what year i was in college or what my degree was in. Seriously? I'm just so exhausted with him--I want nothing to do with him and he has made that decision very easy for me. He must be clueless to what he is like to deal with, this overwhelming berating individual that is never satisfied. My mother sends me cards just to say she is proud of me---I get a phone call from my dad once every 4 months to talk about my brother. Fuck you if you think visiting my 93 year old grandmother isn't a priority----she means more to me than he ever will. I just hate that i'm crying right now, he doesn't deserve my tears but i can't make myself not feel so hurt by him. it's so typical, my father is the only man that makes me cry--how disfunctional is that?? Now i just don't know if i should email him back and let him have it, maybe it would go something like this

I am shocked and taken aback by your email, I am incredibly angered that you had the audacity to call my mother selfish, she must be selfish to pay for my tuition, my books, my car, my apartment, my cell phone, send me cards just to say "I am proud of you!", call me the morning of my finals to wish me luck and talk to me everyday just to say hello. She has supported 3 children and makes us her priority--that is selfish. On the other hand as of our last conversation you weren't aware what my major was. I am incredibly resentful that you implied my mother would not give me lenna's intended inheritance--it was inappropriate and disrespectful not only to my mother but to me because i was more concerned with grieving her loss and not "monetary" matters contrary to what you seem to think i am consumed with. I do work to help with finances because my mother pays for all my educational finances leaving me to take care of my other financial responsibilities--a job is necessary to do that; to criticize me for being responsible in keeping my job is ridiculous. Also, my grandmother is 93 years old and after losing Lenna I realize the importance of visiting with her as much as possible, she extends an interest in me and vice versa and I am incredibly lucky to have her in my life and enjoy her company. Seeing that you were harshly honest with me, I feel that it is only fair i am the same with you--we lack any fundamental grounds for communicating, your conversations with me are generic and generally center around the actions of Troy. Obviously learning about me as a person and establishing a relationship based on ME and YOU is unattainable for you and your emotinal aptitude with a female; this leaves me feeling distant from you and resentful that I do not have a father-daughter relationship like my friends. This has been the case since i was in highschool, i have always felt distances and lacking a strong bond--I am perfectly capable of having a 5 minute conversation once a week about golf, troy, the weather, and how Yuliya is doing..but it is purposeless when you do not value me as a person. Your rude commentary about my mother is yet another splinter in our relationship--this is probably unknown to you but she never speaks poorly of you to me understanding what an awkward position that would put me in. on the other hand, you are habitually disrespectful towards my mother and I can no longer handle this with silence. I am my mother's daughter and THAT is happiness for me.

Her bare foot eased on the break, staring ahead at the flashing red lights--a necessary precaution. And with that her tightened back leaned into the blackness of the seat, white knuckled hands on 10 and 2. A part of her was keenly aware that the other drivers must feel annoyance at this moment, but to her it was a needed reprieve. An unfolding metaphor. It occurred to her then that this oncoming train was not only rushing across the tracks noisily but it was coming and at any moment was going to crash into her life. Her car and body tingled at the reverberations from the power of the train..10 and 2..10 and 2. She smiled, one of those smirks that is the body's release of tension finding its way into an unnatural shape. Odd it was, she smiled when instead what felt most natural was to cry. To get out of her car and just run behind the train screaming "Just finish it off!" bowing to her knees in the limp nature of a doll to find the pieces that mattered most in the wreckage. Fragments of her heart..her sense of being..an unwanted jealousy..pictures of laughing friends..and a ring that reminded her of life's unfairness and somewhere in the distance lay a singed photo of a little girl who idolized her father. It was at this moment she felt the cruelness of life's intangibility. Reaching for life in things that were not real. Searching for herself in objects that were temporal. Her desperate hands returned with ashes mixed with dust, and her first unabashed tear rolled off her cheek and onto the dirt to start the process of regrowth again.

I'm at a crossroads and this time I can feel it in my bones. It's the strangest sensation; i'm so exhausted with life that i'm indifferent, almost dead inside like Clegg from "The Collector" or as exasperated as Miranda. I couldn't tell you if you asked where it came from, it creeped upon me like a hailstorm. I'm reading a book that made me cry, i was embarrassed--not being in my own room and shedding a tear for someone I wanted so desperately to pull from the book and hug. It's Toni Morrison's "The Bluest Eye" and it's the most significant piece of literature i've ever read. It does something to you--if you let it I suppose. I guess I fell victim to a guilty conscience. I feel so selfish, so focused on myself. I guess a journal is vainity in the end, like John Fowles wrote, "But it's vain, you write what you want to hear." I don't think I really believe that because I write to empty my mind, to put things on paper

"for all the time, I didn't want to write. Sometimes I wanted to. Then it seemed weak. Like accepting things. I knew as soon as I wrote it down i'd go off the boil. But now I think it needs writing down. Recording."


This sounds cliche but I don't care--reading these two books makes me feel empty on the inside, I empathize so much with Pecola and even Clegg that I start to see the world through their eyes and it just depresses me so much. This semester all of the books have focused on the loss of innocence, the cruelty of imperialism, the absence of true love, poverty, betrayal, jealousy, adultery, etc. It's so dark..so negative. Where is Pride and Prejudice and Smitten to remind me of the beauty in things? Haha I guess Jamie's parent's 25th anniversary can count towards something positive, or finally getting our wall organized and decorated, getting an A+ on my Midterm..or being able to have a long talk about loves won and loves lost. It occurred to me that when I listen to other people being downtrodden i'm instantly wanting to put them back in their rightful place, like a book awry on the shelf. But I also realized something--we try so hard to dust eachother off that we forget the right to feel sad for awhile, that there is no shame or "immaturity" in feeling disappointed or confused about someone else's actions. Pride is dangerous and I'm more aware of my own--pride from fear of looking like a fool or pride from fear of loving someone too much, completely and totally. Sometimes, I think we need to raise our white flags and admit that the world got the best of us..

The two of us in that room. No past, no future. All intense deep that-time only. A feeling that everything must end, the music, ourselves, the moon, everything. That if you get to the herat of things you find sandess for ever and ever, everywhere; but a beautiful silver sadness, like a Christ face. Accepting the sadness. Knowing that to pretend it was all gay was treachery. Treachery to everyone sad at that moment, everyone ever sad, treachery to such music, such truth. In all the fuss and anxiety and the shoddiness and the business, making a career, getting pashes, art, learning, grabbing frantically at experience, suddenly this silent silver room full of that music.

And is it treachery to have such a lonely side when I know that I have more happiness then most can wish for? Perhaps i'm victimizing myself for being fortunate. I couldn't tell you. Sometimes I think it would be interesting to go to a psychiatrist and spill my guts and have someone listen analytically instead of half willingly or half intuitively.

I would love for someone to tell me why when my father called me tonight I felt instantly jolted with shock and then discomfort, tension, and an unnerving presence of "awkward silences." I hate talking about it because I feel embarrassed and conscious of my pathetic situation and my vulnerability to it. I tear up, I busy myself with fixations to rid myself of physical discomfort. It's odd how I was thinking the other day what an unfortunate situation it is. I have been alive for 20 whole years without my father knowing more than my name, my age, and that my brother and I hated eating at the same place. I could go into how much of a loss i've suffered from reality hitting me in the face like a cold slap that my father doesn't care enough to know me--is there ever such a thing as too little too late? He suggested I come and stay with him this summer in Nevada. I retorted that I had plans to go abroad this summer; almost as if to say...I'm capable of what Troy is--you'll see. Just picturing the awkwardness of living with my dad for 3 months makes me cringe. He can't even talk to me on the phone without using filler phrases and not even really listening

How are things going?
How is school going?
Are you working?
Have you talked to Troy?
Weather?
Alright, talk to you later


All day I have been searching for recognition in other people for my A+ on my midterm, and nothing fulfilled it. Eric was less than ecstatic, instead taking it as a moment to contrast with his own stress. Then my dad was so absent from my conversation, it was the first thing I told him looking for some sense of pride..and he then asked me how school was going after I just said "I got an A+ on my second midterm"...it's amazing how people choose not to listen. Either way in the end he didn't hear me or tell me I made him proud. Luckily I have a mom that surpasses anyone and everyone else. She sent me a card today that said "Just sending you a little hug" and told me she misses me everyday and how proud she is of me. I just wanted to cry because I needed that more than anything today...i miss her so much and can't wait to go home. I'm just so over dealing with other people's shit. Even my own drama, i'm just going to roll down the window of my car and let it out, or pedal it to oblivion in spin cycling. Tomorrow i'm going to wake up and do whatever I feel like doing. I don't know if i just want to be alone for awhile or what. A part of me is knowledgable that i'm being dramatic, but that's nothing new in moments like these. An hour ago I was relishing in the fantastic comfort of being loved and in love with a guy that sends me texts all day saying he loves me but then it's squashed when a skank bag says she hooked up with him on a fb status, it's something so stupid and trivial and but it's compounded with other things and it just gets under my skin--which is unwelcome and unwanted..it makes you want to throw your hands up and say I'M DONE WITH YOU You try and shake it off..like stress or bitchy comments or a leaf in your hair even. I'm tired from bringing up things that are erroneous in etiquette..

"All the mud of their stale ideas on the shoe of me. The new shoe of me."

So i think in one exasperated comment i'll rid myself for-ev-er of bringing it up.

A quote in ode to my friends' boy drama.

The power of women! I've never felt so full of mysterious power. Men are a joke. We're so weak physically, so helpless with things. Still, even today. But we're stronger than they are. We can stand their cruelty. They can't stand ours. I shall still have my woman-me he can never touch...

So..we went camping?

Haha so last night my roomies and erin's boyfriends roomies piled into 2 SUV's and took off to Mt. Lemmon. It was so beautiful, It's bizarre when i hear people talking about how tucson is a gorgeous place..but now I know why they think that--Mt Lemmon was so beautiful, it reminded me of home. On the drive up i experienced, for the first time, motion sickness. I'm not sure if it was being in Dan's truck and winding turns, but I was happy at that moment to have a motion sickness veteran beside me to help me out and snag my book from my hands. Then, as we were getting close to our camp side and our stomachs were at their wits end, a random object bombadeered through the open passenger window, found it's way into the backseat and stabbed me right in the left boob. Screaming and a flurry of limbs left a wasp on erin's crotch, a stinger in my boob that burned like 1000 needles..I thought I had been shot lol. But Dan just keep on trucking along, I guess if all chaos ensues during the ride--atleast the driver kept focused on the mission to the campgrounds...jeez!

Anyways, the girly girls bucked up--set up tents, attempted to gather fire wood with a series of karate kicks and failed efforts resorting to pine needles..the only problem was that it had rained so everything was WET. We ended up going to the guys' camp site next to us and borrowed lighter fluid which did nothing. but eventually after eating smores and drinking we didn't really care that our fire sucked..but we relied on the entertainment of the guitar, drinking games, and the company of my favorite people. I had a blast i'm so happy that I got to go and i can't wait to go again. jamie and amy vow that they are never going again because they aren't really nature girls..but who knows maybe they will change their mind.

It was really fun but I must admit i have never smelled a nastier bathroom in my life..i wrapped my scarf around my face like I was going into a gas chamber..which i guess it was equivalent to. I was really happy to finally get to IHOP this morning and eat yummy pancakes and eggs...but even more excited to take a hot shower and wash my hair and my body like there was no tomorrow. Now i'm going to curl up in my comfy bed and read Mhudi and then reward myself with Desperate Housewives and then out to dinner for Eric's bday dinner.

I'm really proud of myself and my friends were doing something so out of our character and making the most of it and not just being like..bleh let's go home. Also, my mom and zach are coming tomorrow for lunch so i'm so so so happy because i'm homesick everyday, just for the little things and the comfort of being home with my family.

checking in.

Alright well i just reviewed my homework til Thursday and my head is spinning. I just finished reading The Secret Sharer by Conrad and took a brief reprieve to eat dinner and watch Desperate Housewives with Amy. I am now about to undertake reading 2 chapters of Virginia Woolf's "A Room of One's Own" in order to write a response paper tomorrow before reading two other books assigned in my last english class and write a summary of each one. Then, I have to read 15 pages out of Colonial Africa (which is a huge book..it's not an easy task).

I really miss Santa Fe right now..I guess more than that I miss being at home. I was thinking today after spin cycling when Annie, Tattiana and I had gone shopping and were sitting in the middle of the plaza with the trees lit up and the cloud rumbling with thunder and then the water sprinkling all over the cozy green grass and all the people bustling in and out of the shops. It was a moment where I could taste the rain on my lips and treasure the smell. I'm really excited for Annie to come and visit me in Tucson and more than i'm excited about going to Melbourne for the summer and hopefully living together. I cannot wait to get out of the country, i'm finally turning into my older brother and ready to get going.

The upside of anger

People don't know how to love. They bite rather than kiss. They slap rather than stroke. Maybe it's because they recognize how easy it is for love to go bad, to become suddenly impossible... unworkable, an exercise of futility. So they avoid it and seek solace in angst, and fear, and aggression, which are always there and readily available. Or maybe sometimes... they just don't have all the facts.


Today has been incredibly lackadaisical..finished reading "A room of one's own" by Virginia Woolf..I feel strange reading another woman's diary..her personal thoughts on an essay prompt entitled "Women and Fiction."

I'm spoiled and privileged to live in a time where women are free to be educated and keep their own money..intriguing isn't it? To think that just years ago my life would be completely different and the world would seem as if it was an alternate universe. This could be considered an empowerment of women and that I am turning slowly but surely into an annoying feminist, but that would be shortsighted and pretty indignant. The truth is--women are not what they used to be.

The past is a foreign country, they do things differently there.

I think of women, more specifically--i think of my family. My great aunt who would never have allowed anyone to disregard her opinion or disrespect her individuality..my grandmother who doesn't know what it is to have a bad day or not smile away a problem..and my mother..who is harder to define..is a fighter and i'm so lucky to know her..to have her has my own. I think about how raw it is to care so much about another person when you see them faulter, you stop in tracks and hold your breath. My little brother is on my mind alot lately--i worry. I worry about how he is going to be accepted by his peers and how he is going to acclimate to a world that seems like a parallel universe; and maybe santa fe is. But that's what I needed this summer. I needed a fresh slate to grow and to learn and to make my own mistakes and learn a little bit about myself through the risks I took. It may seem odd considering how homesick i was for my friends and phoenix when I got there but i gained so much; I met so many people that I will treasure in a box of memories--remembering what they had to offer and for the first time in my life being outside of their circle and disproving their misgivings about me..

"Your favorite color is pink, working out is the first thing you think about and you're in a sorority"...I still don't know if i ever proved MIcah wrong..but somewhere in the weeks that passed I stopped caring. not completely, but mostly. I'm worried that now that i'm back i'm going to revert to my old trepidatious ways. Inside of me is a little candle that is growing and i'm hoping it will surge and take over and remind me that no one is capable of affecting me in a negative way and nobody is worth a second thought that doesn't demand respect and deserve it. I never thought i would say this and i'm slightly weary to say it--but there are alot of weeds in my past, individuals that took advantage of my optimism about them and ended up being as worthless as deep down I know they knew they were. I consider sending a message of 'closure' and then I think that perhaps these people are so conceited and ignorant that they probably believe they were fool proof in their ways. Perhaps that is one of the most erroneous mistakes a person could make, not taking ownership of your own misgivings and your own flaws--I have and if they had things would not be awkward. People harbor ill will towards another when they are not capable of finding solitude within themself. I used to think what I could have done differently and in all honestly, I feel time is wasted doing that--although I have benefitted myself and grown as an individual I just need to let go and move on from their affliction. I was angry, but the upside of anger is that you can defeat it and become something greater. I know that i am a better, kinder, and more intelligent person than they will ever be able to become..and with that i see no need to continue to feel intimidated, concerned, or annoyed by their behavior. My mom has always reminded me to be a better person and acknowledge their prescence if our paths should cross; but frankly i don't think they deserve it--What a liberating sentence..and with that i'm going to read something I know nothing about..colonial Africa.

On the end of summer..

I just finished watching the movie Prime with Uma Thurman and Meryl Streep and it left me thinking about relationships and the altercations that go hand in hand with being in one. People are complicated, things are complicated, and learning to let yourself fall in love with someone is complicated--it's a vulnerability that is unsurpassed. Granted, yes that is a little dramatic-but point being, allowing yourself the total company of another person is intimidating.

This summer i was terrified at the aspect of being without my boyfriend and my roomates and all the securities that are tied to the companionship of people that know you. The instant you are having a bad day the ramifications can be felt like ripples in a tide pool, there is no bluffing emotions with people who know you and all the games you play. I admire my brother for his ability to pack up and leave the country after college and move to Colombia and create an entirely new life that i was no longer the center of but a part of. Interestingly enough, somebody told me that they were aware i had a whole life in arizona to get back to.

This summer was a segment, a book page, a moment. I get so aggravated because i am now keenly aware of how much growing up i have to do. I'm not the woman i want to be; but a girl in the midst of webs and decisions that leave me wondering if know who i am. Your identity is everything and the ability to grasp what you want, where you want to be, and who you want to be with is inevitably pertinent. But more than that, i know that i need to let life happen and live in the moment. live in the now. be present. I spend so much time daydreaming about other things that i need to get a grip on myself and figure out exactly what it is i'm doing. Am i going to london and to visit Annie in Australia? I want to--but will i do it? I need to step out of my comfort zone in a large way. Santa fe was a microcosm in the grand scheme of me coming out of my shell and letting strangers in to the crazy world I call my own.

As could be guessed from my clockwork habits, i'm scared to go back to school. Once i'm in a place I never want to leave. Change is uncomfortable but I know that when i get to school i won't want to come back to santa fe next summer..we'll bypass christmas b/c i definitely have alot of snow time to catch up on. Snowmans anyone? I'm looking forward to watching the snow fall and contemplating all the lessons i learned fall semester. I feel that i have so much left to learn and there is something beautiful in that, scary but beautiful. I feel confident in leaning on myself for the first time and i really really really need to learn how to de-stress myself and just breathe. Life isn't going to end because of a test but nor am i going to get any nearer to my goals because of that. One step at a time, one tick of the clock at a time. One annoying employee at a time and one disgruntled trepidation at a time. I'm going to just breathe and let the pieces fall as they may--confident that my steps are my own and my actions are my own and at the end of the day life is one big experience waiting to happen. i'm still chickenshit because that statement terrifies me, it gets under my skin the idea that i am not in control. BUT red alert check..i control how i act in uncontrollable situations. that's key. shakespeare said it and i love it..there is nothing neither good nor bad but ideas that make it so.

you me and dupree

Since i knew you all my thoughts are real
you're the only one i want to do
everything is new
and it's all cause of you

I've been moving because my heart is true
telling everyone i know about you
tell your mama that you won't be home
let your daddy know that you're not alone
all i want to do is make you mine
I said i love you honey anytime
don't believe the things they say about me
and allt he things you know i'd never be
you're the only one i want to do
everything's new
and it's all cause of you

all cause of you


Well, i've finally come to the conclusion that moving to Santa Fe has alot more to offer me than a change of address. The atmosphere is completely different from anything i've ever experienced--maybe that is why people travel; because places mold you and shape you, each area having it's own ideals and personality traits. The people are incredibly unique, each person i have encountered is polar opposite of me but maybe through osmosis i will take on their attributes of a laidback, carefree, happy demeanor at all times.



Santa Fe is nicknamed the Land of Manana. Appealing right? People don't show up to work on a sunny day because they are outdoors enjoying the beautiful scenery. The wealthiest people drive a prius and act humbly. Life is not a play, it's what we make of the people we are. Everyone has a story and I am overly eager to hear all about every detail. Anyways, it's green chile for thought; I want to learn how to relax and absorb the moments and the perfection around me and just count my blessings for my family, friends, and hope for the ability to appreciate how blessed i am to have more than i could have ever asked for. lately i've been meeting people who have traveled all over the world and it's really awaken the desire to travel in me--over dinner my brother mentioned to my mom that when i'm i London next summer he would meet up with me; i'd be so excited because last summer when he studied at Cambridge he picked up on all the places to go and that would be nice to have a pseudo tour guide. I also want to visit annie when she is in australia, i can't believe she is leaving in february and coming back the following december, next summer won't be the same without her . We go out so much and never take pictures and i'm going to put batteries in my camera and start to record our adventures, lol we decided to call this portion of our life "The Ridges, the real santa fe." because it's alot more exciting here than that show on mtv with lc from the oc..lol it's good to be stupid sometimes.

Last night we went and saw You me and dupree and it was classic. Owen wilson was adorable as usual and it also re-emphasized the idea of taking life with a grain of salt and reiterated the importance of priorities. Money isn't going to follow you into the afterlife--so visit the people you want to, buy the things that make you happy, and drink the expensive cocktail to avoid a hangover lol.

I have a lot to learn, especially about myself. I'll know i've come into my own when I can deal with my Dad in a logical manner and do things offiically for me and not care about what anybody else has to say. Oddly enough, there aren't a surplus amount of blonde's like in Arizona--i'm stereotyped and judged before I open my mouth the minute somebody sees me driving in a bmw with blonde hair; tomorrow morning i'm darkening my hair and normally i wouldn't even think about doing something like that but for some reason i'm excited and i think of it as kind of liberating. I'll be a little bit of both and hopefully a little edgier. I have so many different facets to my personality and it'll be kind of interesting to blend to the conservative polo wearing girl with the more free spirited side. It's nice to be able to reflect the changes on the inside with simple changes to the outside. Girls are lucky that way. This sounds out of the ordinary but i've even been thinking about getting a tattoo in a really light ink.."I carry your heart in mine" in reference to the EE Cummings poem..it has alot of meaning for me personally and i'd like to rememember this growth period. that same day i got a flyer about a tattoo parlor..fate..maybe


underneath the ink of my tattoo i try to hide my scars from you

HELLACIOUS

Hellacious day. I hate admitting it but sometimes i get so frustrated with things--a horrible day. I lost my driver's license and have no other form of identification in New Mexico; go figure. This afternoon my mom and I went to the DMV and I cannot get a new mexico driver's license unless I take a DWI class..um hello but I already have a driver's license you deadpan dmv worker. Seriously--I know how to operate a vehicle, just give me a copy of my license STAT. PRONTO. TONIGHT!


Does everyone in new mexico have their brain in a vat?

It just added so much stress to the weekend worrying about having identification for the airport, finally the woman gave me a New Mexico ID card..yeah woop woop, but not really. Then my mom had a moment and started crying because she forgot the actual title for the acura--something is in the air.

We then went to lunch at the Wok which was alright and compared horrible coworker stories and then i went to La Posada to work and eventually leave 5 hours later with 13 dollars because I refused to take tables desiring to go home more than do something purposeless with my time. I really really really miss my friends, more than ever. It isn't as much fun going out without people who are super energetic and dynamic. Everybody smokes..that's hot. Megan and Val are really fun but to me here, monday is the same as saturday and I want to go out every chance I get. I just want to be around people outside of work or go shopping..yes. My roomies need to come immediately. lol

I just finished hanging up the pictures in my room and a lot of my art work is religious, i love gothic crosses and angels--i want to fine tune my ideals about religion and find some informative books to read about different types of religion and what not. I'm not sure if i'm really a true catholic or if I even have a place in religion but I need to find a center and soon--I feel all over the place with my thoughts and my attitude. Really over working at this point and I miss having my bestfriends around me all the time to go do anything and everything..it's a big adjustment this summer---independence is in reach but i'm not extending. I just need to regroup my thoughts, i'm sick of people treating me like a child and being condescending to me at work--sorry serving isn't my life posada; and sorry your job as a manager sucks but the stop talking to me like i'm 5 and sassing yourself around. OVER AND OUT

duh nuh nuh!!!

Alright so today was errand running day. I went to target and was so excited to be in a target that something overtook me and i ended up spending alot of time smelling detergent and fabric softener and finally settled comfortably with the familiar aloe febreze..i love it. Then i got new shampoo and conditioner which later ended up being 2 conditioners, blow dryer, some head bands and then i went to the mall and got new perfume and cute "pink" sweatpants that are actually yellow and some new shoes for work that I like but aren't really really my style. I wanted to get the punkrose ones but they had white on them and we can't wear white Well anyways I was at La Posada tonight and I worked with adrian who is actually really entertaining, and then i got called by San Fran to work tomorrow night ontop of my day shift..who wants to work that much? Not me. Also, instead of spending 2 weeks in San Francisco i'm just going for the weekend. To be honest i'm relieved that i'm working b/c it's a good reason not to have to stay in Lenna's house. I just miss her..and being around all her belongings without her being there is just too much. Is that selfish? I know my mom needs my help but it's too emotional, granted i'm sure it's hard for her as well.

This morning i went and worked out and enita was the instructor for spin, it was just her me and one other lady--so hard haha. you couldn't slack off b/c you're like a foot away from her and she would be like "Court, adjust your resistance" haha i was caught. But i felt so much more relaxed after working out..it's nice to have a stress reliever every now again. And randomly enough i'm in love with the Paris Hilton songs, i went to buy the cd this morning but couldn't find it so i don't think it's been released yet. alright well i'm going to go sleep in my nice snuggly clean bed. sleep tight!!

it's not easy being green!

I'm so tired, but when i tried to lay down all i could think about was how the little grouch gremlin inside of me came out and now my tummy is all upset. I try and be optimistic, and majority of my day i'm in a great mood but there is that other 2% and if i stop and think too much about things i get sooooo frustrated. Everything is just like out of my hands right now and i'm such a control freak and i feel so lost and confused on a day to day basis. I scheduled an appointment for an interview on Monday, forgetting that the movers are coming with the furniture and that my mom will need my help--i'm just so over this move thing--it's so overwhelming all the little details. I have no right to complain b/c my mom is dealing with scheduling and everything. idk what's wrong with me. I dont want to be bratty and uncooperative, but i just miss my friends so much and i miss having MY THINGS. You know, when it comes down to the root of my frustration--it's because i'm angry. I'm angry that i left all my friends and am in a place where i dont know one street from the next. I just feel so lost. idk, i'm getting all teary eyed and that's the worst. i dont want to cry about it, it won't get me anywhere and then tomorrow my eyes will be puffy, not that anyone would know the difference.

And then now i'm upset b/c i have spin at 9am and i'm going to be exhausted and then i'll be irritable all day, i just can't catch up on sleep and i get so emotional when i'm tired..thus this frustration. I just want my life back, stat, pronto, tonight. i'm annoying myself right now, i really don't have any room to complain about my life but here I am at freaking 1am bemoaning moving to a new state--GET OVER IT. God, insert a really long sigh of desperation here. Sometimes you just want to stomp your feet and cry and then smile to yourself after b/c you know you just let it out. But instead, i'm holding it in, sucking it up, and giving myself a stomach ache and my boyfriend an earful..goodness.

it's going to take 2 or 3 years of abuse..before i can leave with my cds!!

So obviously last night I couldn't sleep at all, but this morning i woke up at 7:45 (i knooooow!) and i had some green tea and cereal and then i was out the door and got there early to warm up and it was really nice. It's good to wake up to happy music and a really ambitious work out. Everybody is so nice at my gym, but my favorite people are these 2 older ladies who attend a couple spin cycling classes a week, how impressive right? We talk about gardening and what plants grow here and where i should take classes--lol i feel like i have live in spin cycling grandma's.

As usual i'm listening to Dane Cook right now, and i remember when i was at work i saw a couple that HATED eachother. The woman is reading at the dinner table, he's sitting there like desperate for another beer but afraid to ask b/c you can tell she has him nut whipped. It's hilarious, i hear mumbles and i hear grumbles about what he can and cannot have to eat. She's just sitting there reading and he's looking around as if he is in a death trap--they had probably been married for years. Some part of me finds that hilarious--the rigamortis death grip, argument over every little thing and you get off the phone and you're like UNBELIEVABLE!!! Every relationship has those moments where no matter what the other person is saying you're like, just shut up already. Haha sometimes you just have to laugh about it. But yeah i'm deifnitely feeling better and loving my endorphins. But i need to shower b/c i'm sweaty, ick. adios muchachos!

and time stands still, it's at a picture

So I just got home from work---it's a cute little restaurant called San Francisco Bar and Grille and it's in the plaza. I really like everyone i work with, tonight the hostess Kelsi and i were sharing party and drunken moments; I feel like she kind of needs someone, as cliche as it sounds, to show her the way and take her under their wing. She's a little bit scandalous. She had a party at her house and woke up the next morning butt naked with writing all over her--i mean seriously, wouldn't a normal person not be mortified? but she just kind of told me unphased, and the other servers/managers make fun of her and call her a slut but that kind of behavior warrants major insecurity or a lack of direction. IDK I'm not trying to judge her or anything; i think more than ever you should do what makes you happy but how could something like that amuse you, i'd feel like an idiot. but then again maybe that's the me who has learned from my own stupid mistakes talking.

I talked to Desiree tonight on my "Sleepy hollow" esque walk home. I need to take a picture of my walk from the plaza. The trees are whispering with wind and the leaves make frightening shadows all over the wall and the cobblestone makes an eerie noise under the weight of your body--with all the gothic elements combined it terrifies me and i'm ready for a masked marauder or headless horseman to come out of the iron gates at any moment. I know this sounds bizarre, but I have a very vivid imagination. the average person would probably walk down the street and admire the sweet sound of the leaves rustling and the full moon overhead with stars dotting the sky; but instead i'm expecting Cujo to try and eat me and then spit out my bones. But that's neither here nor there; desi made me feel very homesick. Erin's bday dinner is on friday and i wish i was there, and brian's birthday was on tuesday and it would have been fun to take him out to dessert or something; but instead i'm in santa fe fearing for my life on the walk home lol.

I feel like Spin Cycling is school, and if i'm late the teacher is upset. This morning when my alarm went off at 8am I just stared at it and took a deep breath; in total turmoil whether or not I should go--but honestly my legs were so sore and I had calve cramps..so i decided to take a day off and sleep in. I ended up staying in bed til 10:30 and then getting up and hanging out for the rest of the day. I felt so guilty like Bruce was going to mark me off on his favorite list or something. But I swear i'm going to go tomorrow, it's just that the 9am class is too early but for some reason the 9:30 class is tolerable. odd. But after spin cycling i'm going to do a quick arm work out and then come home and finish packing up my clothes + odds and ends and clean up the bathroom b/c we are officially moving into our new house This may not seem like a big deal but i'm really really excited. We met with the previous owners during closing and they left numbers for plant nurseries, pond cleaners, the propane dealers, dsl and the satellite etc. Both my mom and I were so relieved and overwhelmed--there is so much more responsibility in this house than in arizona. My mom is really feeling burdened by taking care of the 9 pond fish (thank god they are relatively self sustaining and live off the pond plants) but we have to change the filter and monitor the water temperature etc...i just hope zoe and pax do not eat them. The other thing is that recently a virus spread to alot of Santa Fe trees (i'll learn the name) and the owners cut down 100 trees in our backyard alone, that's ALOT of trees. Even so, off the porch there are atleast 15 trees that need to go. It's really sad, when you are driving on the highway you look out the window and see gray gnarled trees, as if a fire went through, but in actuality it was a little bug that eats the roots of the plant and kills it. I'm also really apprehensive about the wildlife. Take into consideration my imagination; but i'm really worried about zoe and pax confronting the coyotes. My street has 5 houses on it, and our neighbors have a cat named Spanky who comes to our house (and the other neighbors) for treats, and the previous owners said "Anything without paint on it is a treat" and he's a very obese kitty, even this morning when my mom was there she fed him a package of tuna--haha obviously it doesn't matter who lives there. but anyways, our courtyard is his safe haven and he goes there to escape wild animals but the owners were in our kitchen and saw spanky dart across the window followed by a coyote, and then he went to see if he heard "death noises" and it was quiet so he kept waiting and then spanky came running, followed by 2 neighborhood dogs chasing the coyote! haha spanky was smart enough to go get help from the dogs (it's the whole territorial thing) and the coyote was more of a threat than the cat was. Idk if zoe and pax are that smart, and poor zeus might as well be a cat--i dont see him being very aggressive. but either way the first night we are there i'm taking zeusypooh around the perimeter or our property and having him pee on every single tree to scare away the coyotes--they dont know he's harmless. He also has to learn how to use a doggy door. He can't go in the backyard b/c of how open it is so he can go from the coyote yard, through the garage, and then into courtyard. I'm just nervous b/c it's so different. I know i'm going to jump off the deck in fear that a wild, rabid, hungry dog is waiting to eat me underneath. i'm already scaring myself. pathetic.

Exciting news!! John is coming through tomorrow from phoenix on his way to colorado, i'm so happy to have a familiar face--we're going to get lunch and i'll show him around santa fe. I think it'll be an interesting place to check out--hopefully it won't be as windy tomorrow as it was today and that he won't get lost lol--b/c idk my way around AT ALL, so i'm not help. My mom is out of town on business tonight and tomorrow so i feel all lonely and kind of isolated b/c idk how to drive anywhere but el gancho and to the plaza. I need to go pick up my pictures from walgreens, who has been calling me incessantly--i couldn't figure out who it was b/c idk any 505 numbers (4x in one day) and then go to the post office to resend my birthday packages. It's just kind of alot going on b/c we're in the process of moving and what not. The furniture is coming on monday along with the dsl guy and the dish tv guy. hopefully it will go smoothly. And then, drum roll, i'm going to albuquerque on friday and flying out to see baby til monday! I cannot wait, i just can't wait for a kiss and the biggest hug ev-er. I just wish i could sleep next to him at night, the only setback of not being at school--there is just a certain comfort sleeping next to someone you love, it's my favorite thing

Tonight @ work there was an 80s themed bachelorette party and they were sooooooo cute, she's getting married on Saturday (there are like 4 beautiful churches within a mile of eachother in the plaza) and it reminded me of the girls and our 80s theme party and I missed them in that moment. Everyone at work thinks i'm like super innocent and wholesome--haha it makes me laugh b/c i know my roomies know otherwise, lol it just made me look forward to our parties @ the exchange and having all our friends over again..i'm so happy!!! Also, the busser--Rodrigo, is the cutest most adorable sweetest man i've ever met. I just want to hug him. Tonight we talked all in spanish about his children and when he lived in El Salvador, it made me miss my brother and think of him--but it felt good to talk about him and his accomplishments, aw i just love him. But it was cute b/c Rodrigo has 2 children--Isamar (roll the r's!!) and Nelson Ivan, but it sounds so beautiful in spanish and he had never heard it pronounced in english as "eye-van" and he was telling all the other cooks about it. It's funny b/c when i leave a restaurant i generally miss the kitchen staff or feel sad to leave the bussers..i just love talking to them and they are always in such a good mood and so upbeat about life; it reminds me that i need to really take a step back from the material aspect of life and focus on the heart. It's hard, because I really like nice things and I love the things my family has given me, but at the same time it's not important how much money you have or what kind of jeans you have on--sometimes I realize that i'm pretty spoiled and other times nothing is enough--but I think when i'm being bratty and wanting more and more and more, it's generally b/c there is something going on inside and i feel that buying nice things makes me feel better. I guess i'm like every girl in the world. Unfortunately we all forget that there is mass genocide in places like Darfur where people are being killed for their heritage--it's so depressing and it kind of puts spending 180 dollars on hair into perspective, i should be donating that money. I feel so stupid and selfish right now. I can't wait to be out of college and actually go to Africa and make a difference--put my money where my mouth is. But alright, if i'm going to spin in the morning i need to head to bed. Sleep tight,

I had an epiphany

Relationships are a huge part of people's lives, think about how many times one of your friends has asked you for relationship advice, whether that refers to boyfriend/girlfriend, mom/dad, brother/sister, friend..foe--you gain so much from your interactions with other people and it just astounds me how often we take foregranted the wide range of people in our life or how quick we are to turn away from relationships. I understand relationships are hard, more than ever--but life is hard. Think about it, people get so aggravated and frustrated with relationships that they just throw in the towel and proclaim a declaration of being single and independent--no reliance on anyone for anything--but when life goes awry, which it oftens does, do you say "that's it, i'm going into the woods. the world is terrible so i'm going to be in isolation and bitter." In general, people don't commit suicide or separate themselves from society because things aren't working out; so why is it that people are so quick to separate themselves from wanting a relationship?

I know this is out of nowhere, but it all came about in the middle of a stressful, irritating shift. I'm rolling silverwear and i figured, what the hell i'll talk to John--so i asked John the bouncer to keep me company while i finished up. The background on John is that he's in his 30s, dedicates his life to working out and juggling jobs, treasures his daughter, and began confiding in me about his dual life a few shifts ago--living with one woman and her son and being in a relationship with her, while seeing another woman on the side who knew about his gf but wanted him to be with her. John informed me that he broke it off with both because his daughter was going to be there in a month and he wanted to spend all his time with her. Obviously that can't be the only reason--but this guy feels so backhanded by relationships that i want to pull the knife out of his back for him. He was married and it fell apart and he was broken hearted. Now he doesn't understand the point of being faithful to a woman if she isn't his wife..but yet he doesn't want to married again because he doesn't believe that love can last.

how depressing

He proceeds to tell me that no guy is ever going to be faithful to me because 7/10 guys cheat on their girlfriends, wives, whatever--he informs me that i should never put myself so far out there in love so i don't get crushed and heartbroken because inevitably i will. He challenges me--

"Tell me one guy who hasn't cheated on his girlfriend or spouse"

In this split second time to answer the question, somewhere within me all the doubts about letting myself trust another person, fall head over heels in love, and not feel that i'm going ultimately get heartbroken in the end disappear and I find myself arguing back. I think about eric's parents, erin's parents, brian's parents and I think about how great they are together and how important their families are to them. I think about the guys my own age who adore their girlfriends and vice versa. All of the sudden i feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for people who aren't willing to get their heart broken, trust someone else with everything they have because they believe in the good of people, and i feel sorry for people who would disrespect someone's relationship by pursuing a "taken" guy or girl.

What a pessimistic stance on relationships and even on life; if you can't depend on people you have nothing. Naturally, we're social beings--and i'm sorry but I refuse to believe that every guy/girl is interested in getting laid and being on their own. Relationships are incredible. Although I haven't been single for more than a month in my life, it wasn't because i was desperate for a relationship--it just worked out that way. When i first started dating Eric, i was so apprehensive because I was still licking my wounds from my breakup with Garrett that I didn't think I could be fully present in a new relationship--but you know what, sometimes you just have to throw yourself out there and let things happen on their own. If you reflect on all the present and past relationships in your life with your significant others, family, friends--it's a whirlwind of experiences, mistakes, and memories. I've learned so much about myself through other people. I learn from my friends--I look at my friends relationships and I learn alot about my own personality--i hold grudges. big time. If I can't understand someone's actions, I can't understand them and then I dislike them. Yet, I look at Erin who can move past someone acting out of character for no real reason and still be happy, if not more happy than ever before. It's incredible to me. I look at Amy and I see someone who is unwilling to settle for a guy who isn't what she's looking for and is totally at ease with her life and would NEVER be the girl to throw herself at a guy or look to a guy for attention; she's rightfully happy in her own skin and it takes so many people so long to get at that point..i dont even think i'm there yet. And Sopko makes a long distance relationship work. there's been ups and downs and I empathize along the way but I see her dealing with her age and understanding the difficulties but willing to do what is necessary to make it work. It just goes on--Kristin IMd me the other night, and she mentioned that she understood what i was going through and just reading that i was like..ah sigh of relief i'm not alone and this isn't crazy to be feeling or worrying about.

I'm just in awe at what people are capable of, in a good way, I find strength in my friends to help me with my weaknesses, and see their capabilities to help me overcome my shortcomings. I look at my mom who moved away from a stable life in AZ to take a risk and be ambitious, in contrast to myself who is characterized by timidity--GET OVER IT. I'm going to be gone 2 months, so i'll be productive, i'll get a job, i'll go to school--somehow, someway, i'll make this work. yeah everything is up in the air and i have no idea at this point how i could pay for a 400 dollar plane ticket but things work themselves out and i have faith that i can roll with the bumps in the road and enjoy the ride..literally, it'll be 8 hours on monday. Yeah driving to new mexico! Haha, well for the first time in a long time i'm feeling enlightened and optimistic. I'm tired of the baggage i've been carrying and the chip on my shoulder...you SHOULD dedicate yourself to the relationships in your life because in the end, don't you want 100% from the people in your life? So why don't they deserve that? You shouldn't be ashamed to walk away from a relationship and say "I tried to hard and gave it everything I had" it shows your character and capability of caring about other people--in the end that's all that matters. Pride is a dangerous thing and it isn't something to value. Pride keeps you from throwing yourself into a situation because of trepidation in looking stupid or failing. Success tastes the sweetest after failure anyhow; when your relationship is in a rut, work on it--because when things start to go smoothly you appreciate the other person more than ever and know that it's worth it to work through it. I find amazing contentment in that tonight..at last.

Alexander Pope said,

WHATEVER IS, IS RIGHT


I like it.

the end & the beginning

My eyes feel so heavy...it's been hard to sleep lately, probably because i'm full of caffeine and addicted to my coffee maker and experiencing all different types of creamers..french vanilla, chocolate rasberry, and now irish creme..it's getting exciting haha jk.

Baby left last night at 4am..I didn't want him to get out of bed. There's nothing more soothing than having someone you love next to you--I like waking up and looking over at him, it brings a sense of comfort and is always a good way to start the day. It's going to be really dififcult to get through the summer without him by my side...if I think about it too much i'll get really sad. I just don't want to have to say goodbye..even it's for about 10 mondays..right

It would be easier if i was going to be in phoenix over the summer--but i'm going solo and going to be incredibly independent and forge my own path. It reminds me of when i was younger and habitually being the new kid--it's never easy and always scary and intimidating; i'm just worried I won't make any friends and i'll be lost and a loser who never goes out and does anything fun.


I'm really scared about it..part of me is wanting to remain in the moment of finals and stressing about work and bemoaning how busy I am; but in actuality i want to cling to sitting on the sofa with my bestfriends joking around and being silly, being able to hold my boyfriends hand whenever I want, and knocking on my roomies door when I want company. How bizarre--I just need to remember it's a reprieve not permanent. Amy and Kevin are apart majority of the year and I finally understand why it is so hard for her to be with him--because when you spend your time missing someone you feel a little bit empty inside

I just want to be excited but everytime I think about packing up my stuff I get a little lump in my throat; but I miss my family so much and I want some time for myself to recenter things; it's been a very traumatic semester--instead of looking to other people for a remedy, I want to be able to find it within myself and my own reflections. Last night when I was studying for Brit Lit, or moreover freaking out about it, I re-read Emerson's Self-Reliance and I was so inspired...I should read it on the plane. Lean towards The self-soothing method opposed to the focker method lol. It's just so unfortunate that the least portion of the year with everyone is based around stress and being overwhelmed; you don't take a moment and appreciate you'll never be doing this exact thing ever again.

Contrary to what the cynics say, distance is not for the fearful. It's for the brave. Its for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those who know a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough.

I miss her. everyday.

Today is so so hard. I sit here, curled up on my uncomfortable chair in my sweaty work out clothes crying and grieving over what I try and try to grow accustomed to.

 I was looking at the pictures of Lenna in my box and it still hurts so much; I almost feel angry?

 When I got my new phone I was transferrring over my phone numbers and I came upon her number and it hit me like a slamming door that she was gone. Time heals nothing-- I can't even say that I want to go back to normal because atleast grieving her loss keeps her real to me---i just want time back. 

I want her back and I want to call her and hear her voice or come over and get a hug and offered food that I don't want but can't say no to. I want all her newspaper clippings and book reviews in the mail..everything i took foregranted I promise i wouldn't take it foregranted anymore. I feel so ashamed for not loving her how I should have or feeling annoyed when i would have to talk on the phone to her when I was little, if only i could have those moments back I would do it all over. 

I wish my mom was here so I could cry with her and feel comfort that i'm not as alone as I feel and am right now. I just want to pick up the phone and call Lenna and show her that i'm doing my best and i'm learning and i'm reading finally, and not just the cat books that she would send me when I was little but i'm reaching for any book that I think she might have read or liked and trying to tell myself I'll talk to her about it later.   All i have now are objects, objects objects that i attach so much sentimental value to it scares me to think what would happen to me if they went missing or something happened. 

I know i should focus on the fact that she had a very full life and did everything she wanted to but it doesn't help, it doesn't help it doesn't help. it's meaningless and i can't get over how frustrated i am with myself, I want to rewind time and take back every moment I didn't treasure--when will I come to peace about this? Jamie and I were at Pei wei and relating to eachother about our losses and I just got so overwhelmed and depressed, holding back tears but wanting to just let everything go and sob out all my fear and anger. I just keep shaking and trying to soothe myself; but nothing helps.

 Kenny said it best that there is nothing anyone else can do really, I just have to grow accustomed to this feeling. It pits in my stomach rises in my throat and clenches my heart in my chest to where its hard to even breathe. I just feel so isolated, I wish someone knew what to do or how to heal and feel OKAY again. I just can't see light at the end of the tunnel and the only time i find solitude is when i'm crying in the shower where no one can hear me or into my pillow at night..everything is so empty. And I think about my grandma and i can't even feed the thought that she could eventually be gone too and I think about how i want to talk to her everyday in fear that tomorrow she won't be here and that's no way to think..my grandma is the happiest woman in the world and she's comfortable with death and life. how is that possible? I just can't understand and how can she not be terrified at the thought of not having being with my mom or me and my brothers or are family or even being on earth. How can life ever have been fulfilling enough? Does she know how much I miss her and how I sit here and grapple this?? Would she be mad at me or does she understand?

Don't think of her as gone away -

her journey's just begun,

life holds so many facets -

this earth is only one.

Just think of her as resting

from the sorrows and the tears

in a place of warmth and comfort

where there are no days and years.

Think how she must be wishing

that we could know today

how nothing but our sadness

can really pass away.

And think of her as living

In the hearts of those she touched

For nothing loved is ever lost -

And she was loved so much.

Anger and resentment can stop you in your tracks. That's what I know now. It needs nothing to burn but the air and the life that it swallows and smothers. It's real, though - the fury, even when it isn't. It can change you... turn you... mold you and shape you into something you're not. The only upside to anger, then... is the person you become. Hopefully someone that wakes up one day and realizes they're not afraid to take the journey, someone that knows that the truth is, at best, a partially told story. That anger, like growth, comes in spurts and fits, and in its wake, leaves a new chance at acceptance, and the promise of calm

the dynamic has changed a little bit

the dynamic has changed a little bit

Sophomore year is coming to an end and I can say with confidence that i've never had a more tumultuous year. It's been bittersweet, full of moments that at times I immaturely, but honestly, I wish never happened--I know the cliche saying "Without the bad you can't appreciate the good" but I think I can put an end to that saying with this..
Well prepared gourmet dinners do not taste any better even though i've experienced eating rubberized noodles not cooked all the way
and pastaroni that caught fire

on the other hand

Starbucks coffee tastes amazing after drinking straight coffee grounds
on accident without knowing how much water per teaspoon of C.G's
to put in.

Yesterday when I was getting my hair done, Collin and I were talking about the ironic disappointment about a college preparatory like Xavier not celebrating the individual, but attempting to combine us into one uni-person, unable to be differentiated from one another. There was still competition and a desire to separate ourselves from the crowd, and that was with academic distinction I suppose. Either way, I think sometimes i'm afraid to own my feelings and just let myself be as I am without any apologies. It's hard to admit that you're having an awful time and that you're struggling. You want to be happy and optimistic and confident about who you are and where you're going. But when things are going downhill in one avenue of your life, it's next to impossible to keep careful division and not let your upset emotions boil over into other areas..like relationships

I think for me, change is...scary. Everybody has there own little fear or many of them..what can you do. Make the most of it I guess. Erin and I are going to Santa Fe this weekend and i'm trying to make it fun by doing a picture diary and looking forward to seeing the new house, but I think about all the funny memories in my old house and just being a part of a community like moonvalley..it's odd. Brian's not my next door neighbor anymore, I won't jump into the solace of my pool in the heat of the afternoon or lay in my hammock staring at the stars realizing how small I am in the grand scheme of the planet. All my plans for the summer are in the air now; Erin might have to go to ASU for nursing school which would just be so unreal, I refuse to accept that as a possibility at this point. Maybe I should transfer for Journalism--it's complicated. It is your experiences, your memories that make you who you are. So I am my neighborhood, my highschool, my family. When those things are stable..you aren't stable.

You know, it's been about a month since Lenna passed away and it isn't any easier or less sensitive. I'm really..tentative..? about going with my mom to auction off her furniture and do the whole spreading of ashes..ashes..ashes? God, my mom--she must be going through so much more than I can even fathom. I was lucky enough to know Lenna for 20 years but my mom has known her for 40--her sense of loss is double mine. I hate it because throughout everything i've put on the tough stance for my mom; she shouldn't have to take care of me when she needs to worry about herself for a little while. She's seriously my hero, without my mom I don't even know who I would be--she inspires me everyday through everything and i'm so appreciative for the life she's given me..when you feel cheated by good luck you should find your "mantra" if you will and say 10 things you're grateful for.

Well, writing has become tiresome after finishing my paper and staring blankly at my shakespeare paper i'm going to call it a night, sleeping alone ((I miss baby already )) how am I going to be without eric and my girls for 2 months? Thank god for air planes.

I'm thankful for..

(in no particular order lol)

1. My family
2. My brothers from another mother..aka my roomies
3. My boyfriend
4. The gym
5. Language
6. Transportation
7. My comfy bed
8. Having enough food & water every day
9. Uniqueness
10. Dane Cook and music

Midterms..schmidterms.

i have soooo much going on right now. I just finished studying for my midterm after a review session, met up with my baby and max to see the new beautiful house, i'm so excited for them. I adore everyone he is living with and i'm sure it'll be a good time for them..i know how much living with my bestfriends has meant to me it's definitely a great experience once you figure out the kinks. Jamie and Reba came and then i had to go... and now i'm sitting in my bath towel (for like the last hour) not wanting to read Victorian Poetry for tomorrow. I also have to print out my paper..ugh i'm just like over school right now. The worst of it is I have to go to work tomorrow night and probably close, and then work again on friday. The only upside is my doctors appointment tomorrow..i hope they fix me I really want to run i feel dis-gus-ting when I can't run.


I also realized today how much drama people are--worry about your own life and try not to create drama in someone else's, it's so ridiculous. People like that need more to do than waste their time talking about other people. Luckily Amy made me realize that it's not even worth it to bother and that there are more important things going on then people being retarded. I just think back to highschool and I have to laugh because alot of people I know now have not matured beyond that level, where gossiping about a random person's personal life was funny, like reading a magazine, without taking time to actually realize what you are saying. IDK Yesterday the roomies were talking about how cool it would be if our lives were a reality show and the more i think about it the more i treasure my privacy

could you imagine being followed with a camera everywhere you went or for poor "Newlyweds" basically a filming of the termination of your marriage? Depressing to say the least. Maybe i'm not any better than the people who get under my skin because I read about celebrities standing in line at the grocery store and formulate stupid opinions and judgments when majority of the pictures are taken out of context or blatant lies. oh no, i am the paparazzi! haha jk, alright well I feel better after venting in my journal, wish me luck on the test...s.

it's just crazy

I feel knotted and perspicacious. Hit by a bus of emotional turmoil. Saturday nite when we were leaving the movie and i looked at my missed calls, seeing my moms number I just had a feeling. it's amazing the power of intuition, I listened to my voicemail and low and behold Lenna was given 3 days to live. How can someone dictate an amount of time on a human life like they are some kind of statistic? It's so cold and distant.

I called my mom on Sunday and my grandma was going to see Lenna as well..suddenly things were becoming more and more real. I just still can't believe it. Each tear that falls seems like a dream or more so a nightmare. I feel like i'm under water and just can't break through the surface to breathe easy. I've cried and talked so much that almost feel like i have nothing else to say or I don't know where to begin. I guess i'm just exhausted..emotionally. School seems irrelevant. least of my worries, for once.

It's just crazy how things get put into perspective. I'm standing outside british lit, midterm grades being passed out, and i can't even see straight trying to hold it together on the phone with my mom for long enough to catch my breath, you just want to disappear so people don't stare at you or so you don't have to explain and just run in the opposite direction and rewind life. All i can think about is her silver ring sitting on my desk and not on her finger--i shouldn't have it. I know that in a few years i'll be so happy to have it and truly treasure it, but right now I'm just so embittered because three days ago i was writing her a thank you letter telling her how much I admired her and how much she meant to me and how much it meant to entrust me with her jewelry..I don't even know if she got it and it's killing me. i KNEW something was wrong this morning. The news was saying how it was the first day of spring and all I could think about was Lenna..then i call and mom asks "Where are you"

whenever anyone in your life asks "where you are" something very very very terrible is about to unfold, it looms large..until the preceding bus hits you.

I'm so grateful, but not..it's so cliche to say that she passed in her sleep, she was back in her home from the hospice and she had my grandma and mom with her...but i want her back. I feel like I missed out on a bond that i really am ready for now..i'm old enough to not only be her niece but her friend too and she got ripped away from me within a week--i just want to keel over and caterwaul. i'm just angry and sad and everything i can't express in words, it's like a constant lump in your throat that you're desperate to push down for just enough time to feel relief that never recedes and chokes up every chance it can get, for instance sobbing down 6th st all the way into your apartment and then into the arms of your roomates. Thank god for my bestfriends. I come home, wiping tears up the stairs, and sopko is showing off a disgusting bruise and i'm trying not to cry and then all at once i look at amy and it's just an ocean of tears...when will it stop?? I just hope she got my letter..I just thought she'd be reading it and we'd be corresponding and she'd see that i'm dedicated to my studies and not an immature hellion that ruined her parisian sofa but someone who adores her and admires her for all her achievements and gift of grace and class and someone that i just wanted to know and have know me.

this just doesn't seem real, i went over to jamie's and we ended up like crying together about losing people really close to us and it's just so HARD. It doesn't seem to ever get easier or less painful; erin said she still can't put up pictures of her & her grandmother. I still think that what jamie and erin go through is unfathomable to me, just like i'm sure it's hard to understand what i'm going through--but nonetheless they're all so amazing i'm unimaginably grateful for them listening and just being there for me...i'm really really lucky and i know it right now, like amy gave me so much great advice yesterday and eric made me feel quiet inside for awhile..it's just UGH because i know this is something i have to dig through the mud to clear my path, and sometimes it'll falter and like an avalanche i'll be covered..but i guess like all things it just a moment and this time will pass.

I wish i could have heard more stories..learned more..listened more..been there more..rolled my eyes less, matured quicker, and appreciated faster. I don't think i know what heart ache was until THIS moment, my chest is churning and my eyes hurt and i feel an infinite amount of different emotions, shame and guilt for not being more appreciating of her when she was with me..drudging writing a letter or talking to her on the phone..god i wish i could rewind time and just magically instill myself with the maturity and gratitude i have now. i'm still learning and i'm absorbing life like a sponge--i never thought she wouldn't be here for *THIS* moment and time in my life like she was for troy, the time when i need her guidance most b/c i'm so lost in a sea of my peers and scared that i'm not good enough. I called my mom again and told her about saturday nite and grieving and then told her about my "Sign"..this is weird but since my family is so literary and all about reading..when i finally got to eric's dorm and he looked at my midterm which i had already forgotten about, we realized that I had gotten an A on the midterm from hell for my english class..An A..i'm still in disbelief, my teacher wrote "Excellent! A pleasure to read" on my midterm..and all i could think about was "Lenna would be proud of me" for the first time I felt like I had accomplished something and I really felt it..it's so stupid b/c it's a test but it represents so much more to me that i'm not a total loser in the english major and that I do have some amount of talent...my mom told me that she was always proud of me which hasn't sunk in yet..i'm still struggling with it and then my grandma, always knowing what to say, reminded me that they are always proud of me, not because of my A's...i just feel like everything i've done is stupid and trivial compared to what i wanted to show lenna what i can do--troy was in spain, mexico, london, and now an English Professor in Columbia...he's 23. they talked all the time and i just didn't get to make her genuinely proud of me..god i just can't get her voice out of my head that saturday..it's the most unnerving thing to have someone telling you their last wishes when all you want to do is hang up so they dont say GOODBYE to you. I really wanted to believe that she would get better when she got home..i just want to talk to her and tell her all of this and more than anything i want to make something of myself so i don't let her down. ee cummings..coincidence..i think he just knew everything..like lenna, so this poem is fitting

Now i lay(with everywhere around)
me(the great dim deep sound
of rain;and of always and of nowhere)and
what a gently welcoming darkestness--

now i lay me down(in a most steep
more than music)feeling that sunlight is
(life and day are)only loaned:whereas
night is given(night and death and the rain

are given;and given is how beautifully snow)

now i lay me down to dream of(nothing
i or any somebody or you
can begin to begin to imagine)

something which nobody may keep.
now i lay me down to dream of Spring

"in the holiday spirit"

So i did the whole family new years day barbeque thing; and it was definitely worth the immense entertainment. Jeff was armed and ready with a fire extinguisher and goggles when he was frying the turkey at 350 degrees exactly for 50 minutes, meanwhile i sat comfortably with my feet in the spa warmed by the heat lamp. The turkey was incredible coincided with my mom's potato salad, deviled eggs, stuffing, and rolls. mmm mm yummy.
After that i came home and met up with Bri, starbucks wasn't closed so i tried the chai eggnog latte, going with the whole "in the holiday spirit" and it was actually very tasty. I love that our relationship never changes, brian is always just himself which is so comical and so opposite of me in very man ways--he's level headed and logical, also kind of macho haha, but it's great. He's doing the police academy right now so i've got to watch my speed in the neighborhood b/c he told me he would pepper spray me, hand cuff me, and take me downtown. That would probably be the most hilarious site ever ever ever. i would die, for sure. but yeah anyways after that we went to his house and i got to talk to his parents about spring break and maybe doing rocky pointe, his dad is so cute he was like "well, it's gets crazy down there for spring break and i wouldn't let my daughter go" idk i'm just nervous about doing spring break where i dont know the hotels or deals or anything, i just dont want to get screwed. But whatever it'll work out. just cross your fingers it all works out.
Btw, zach man got his xbox 360 idk if i already wrote about it but today i played project gotham 3 on xbox live and whooped ass, i got 1st place . I dont know if you know this, but i'm kind of a big deal. we played a couple more games earlier today and then my mom and i ran some errands prior to the bbq...
Troy still isn't home from being out with my dad and i was telling bri's family about his moving to Florida and wanting to stay in Miami...idk he was like "that's a big move, completely across the country" and like all decisions, i really don't understand the point but they reminded me of the great golf courses in florida, better than tahoe i guess lol, but whatever...i still have alot to muddle through.

is it a gender thing?

I'm seriously so baffled right now. My brother's belongings have infiltrated the den and i honestly feel like i dont know him. How can someone be so booksmart, but so blatantly stupid when it comes to relationships? My dad has the audacity to send me an email with the dates that he'll be in town, and i quote "maybe we could get dinner on the 1st b/c i miss you guys." So how does that correlate with coming to get my brother at 3pm today? Dinner..3...sorry not seeing it.

The really unnerving aspect of this is that my brother pretty much laughed in my mom's face, he sat glaring at her over a can of dr. pepper like everything she was saying was superfluous and un-necessary, all he said was "the drama level in this house appears to be high" all sarcastically. My mom didn't yell at him at all, she was very calm and said "i'm sure george and jeff wont be offended b/c their very gracious, but i'm offended. I'm offended because we had family plans that are once again being subsided because of your dad, i think your dad is just as in the wrong as you are." He just doesn't think it's a big deal. Is this like a gender thing? i'm siding with my mom b/c i'm a girl and my brother sides with my dad because he's a guy..i really don't know. it just really makes me sad that my brother doesn't see how disrespectful my dad is to my mom--he didn't even call her to communicate his intentions or plans or anything.

they are soooo disfunctional, unfortunately it's now created tension between my brother and i.

I called eric to get his input whether or not i should go or if i should stick it out with my plans, and he was just as ify as i was. it really...i guess just sucks that no one knows my position or my situation. I couldn't think of anyone to call about this, nor do i particularly want to unravel all my emotional baggage on anyone else. Does that make sense?

When i got off the phone with eric i was like..oh great i'm the lame ass needy girlfriend, i dont want to call anyone for help. And i found myself worrying about what he thought of me now. I feel embarrassed when i need support from people, i dont want anyone to feel sorry for me but at the same time i'm so desperate to find someone to show me the way or tell me what to do because i dont know and i'm just so unbelievably overwhelmed all the time. i dont think eric sees the anxiety i've been feeling, not doing a comparison, this is separate but it's so crappy that garrett and i aren't like good friends now, the good thing about us like just knowing eachother is that we were so supportive and helpful to eachother in areas like this because with as much parental drama as i have he could relate and put himself in my shoes and we didn't judge eachother or look down on the other or see them as weaker b/c of their problems...it's exactly that problems not the person.

I think it's really eating me up that i'm alone in this, i've got no one to put themselves in mine just for a minute. I have this knot in my stomach and lump in my throat and daily i try and cover it up by busying myself with other things; but the minute my dad appears again i feel like i'm fat and ugly and need to work out, and now i'm hiding out in the computer room so i dont start to cry. I know it's hard for anyone to relate to me though too, which sucks because i want a miracle friend to just appear and UNDERSTAND me, not listen but UNDERSTAND.

I know nobody knows my dad and what kind of person he is; my dad isn't an awful guy or anything but he's just not very loving or parental in any sort of way. I get really stuck when i think back on him teaching me how to drive , idk he's done some great things for me but he also causes an upheaval of emotional stress for me. i have been sick inside for like a week now anticipating him coming, i've tried not to cry but i dont think any of my friends or even my mom understands how much it hurts me to talk about him or deal with the situation; i just dont know how to act. I've been really apathetic in dealing with it or downplaying my discontentment, but at some point i just want to let it go and have someone tell me it's okay to cry and it's okay to be bitter and that i dont need to feel less than i am b/c my dad doesn't view me as a real person. It sucks, a couple weeks ago when i got the email i started crying, trying to be quiet so my roomates wouldn't hear and all i wanted to do was going in to amy's room and just sob and just have someone to help me get through it but i started to stand up and walk to the door and i ended up shutting it b/c i didnt know how she would react; i dont know even where i would have began, you can't just show up in someone's room crying and blubbering. i just can't let myself reach out because honestly i dont think anybody else would see why it's so hard on me? idk maybe nobody can help me, maybe it's just part of growing up. Why can't i just feel confident in myself and find myself and just KNOW what to do. but i dont know what to do, i dont know if i'm in the wrong and just have skewed vision because of my mom's perspective and her opinion on things.

I don't want to dislike my dad..you only get one, and i just feel so angry that the one i got causes a tornado wherever he goes or with whatever he touches.

I feel like i've had a wrecking ball hanging in my body for years and it's just been cracking my insides until all i want to do is cover it all up, bury it under mounds and mounds--i'm tired of having something in my life affecting me ALL THE TIME that i can't control. I get so pissed when people are like "Woe is me, feel sorry for me" on a topic that they can't change, the advice i've given is that you can only change how you react to things and im digging and digging to find a way to react differently and feel different. for the first time in my life i need space.

I want to get away from everyone. i dont want to talk to anyone, shut out anybody and everybody, go find a secluded spot on the golf course and just think..think until i can't think anymore and write until no stone is unturned. i miss waking up in the morning and not feeling burdened, i want to wake up and feel at peace with myself...i just dont know if i can honestly get my hands dirty and deal with it, confront it head on and relieve myself of every weight i have put on myself--i'm just tired.