Oh little heart.

I had to kick myself today.  Kick my own butt for feeling sorry for myself.  I'm in love--whattookyousolongithoughtyoudidn'texist love.  I haven't written in so long...too busy enjoying this life we've built.  We're going backpacking to Central America July 23rd-August 1st.  My mother is in panic.  Derek is paranoid about my luggage size and I'm READY.  I'm biting at the bits to get out and have an adventure.  I'm wishing this adventure didn't have such finality to it.

He got a job in LA--leaving on the 15th of August.  He's taking some chunk of my heart with him, more than I'd ever want to admit to anyone.  Somehow, over the past months I've opened myself up to love for the first time in my life--a real honesttogod vulnerability.  I'm open--a giant, gaping, open heart.  That's the catch to this whole love thing--someone else has the power to break it.  I'm a control freak so this idea just does not sit well with me.  I can't bear the sadness of potentially losing you--I argue with the universe that this just isn't fair.  Like one of the small children at work, I want to kick my feet and swing my arms in protest--not fair, not one little bit.  I've learned from watching the 5 year olds that this is an ineffective attempt--it never leads to anything other than a lecture or time out.  Resistance is futile.  So here I am, trying to embrace the truth that everything is change.  Our relationship has always given confidence to my stride, we're solid, and now we're going up in the air and I'm feeling a little lost.  I resent the truth of that statement. Then, there is the scarred over part of my heart that reminds me I can survive anything, any one, any challenge.  I'm fine.  I'm always fine.  It is a constant struggle between my honest side and my reinforced side.  There are very few moments where I can expose my honest side to you--you prefer it when I'm tough..when I'm the girl who can survive anything, even you.  I get that. Nobody wants to feel responsible for another person's well being.  You're not my whole world, but you've become an amazing part of it.  I, more than anyone, detest the couples that become dependent on each other--unable to do anything apart, where the "you" and "I" become "them." Inextricably linked.  That would never be me..or us.  I can be fine..great without you--but I am..my life is..better with you.

I always think of the quote from Catcher in the Rye.."Worry is like a rocking chair..it doesn't get you anywhere." I believe in this quote.  I think the same applies to fear or being scared.  I cannot be afraid to lose you.  I need to be reinforced, tough as nails, sure of my step regardless of what ground I'm walking on.  This fear of loss cannot define me for the next month.

"That's how you know a man is in love with you, when he's afraid of losing you."

Only time will tell.

The healthiest response to life is joy.

For now, I need to take ownership of myself and my accomplishments.  I'm so critical--never being content with where I am at.  Everything will be sorted out in time--here's to the unknown and being joyful not in spite of it, but because of it.  My grandmother would want me to smile and mean it.  Smile through it.