Why am I so damn lonely?

Ouch. I'm completely disconnected from everything going around me.

Do you ever feel like everything is going on around you--without you? I'm physically here, but I'm emotionally absent.  I'm somewhere else.  It's like my heart left me, it went on vacation and never came back.  It doesn't want to be with me. To go through this.

I have this deep, dark grief that is eating away at me.  It's sadness.  I went to Raven's last night for dinner with her grandmother.  It was a bittersweet double edged sword.  Two fold.  One hand, the last time I was at that house, was the night of the attack.  Other hand, Raven and her grandmother were going back and forth about the special bond between a grandmother and granddaughter--the ache in my chest was unparalleled.  I hate my drives.  I have no one to call.

It's like everything is back to normal but me.  Everything is the same but I'm different--even to myself.  I don't know why I feel so isolated.  I feel really, really lonely.  I'm trying not to--I feel like a little kid saying that.  I just feel like a puzzle that was split in half--i'm missing essential pieces.  I think I put up this deep wall between myself and other people when I'm upset.  At night, I have this anxiety in my chest.  I took six anti anxiety pills tonight and I still found myself on edge and frustrated.


I don't want to be alone and it seems like every weekend is a small battle to get through--how to keep myself from these thoughts.  I'm just inexplicably frustrated with everything.  Ick, ick, ick.

In these moments, I want security.  I want stability.  I want to be sure. I don't want everything to be up in the air.  I don't want to be a maybe. I don't want to be totally shutdown.