Whatever is, is right.

"Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love." -Rumi

My world is being rebuilt.  I'm in the process of sifting through all my parts, putting myself back together.  I realize lately, that it's okay that I don't have it all figured out.  It's okay that I don't have all the answers.  It's okay to not be okay all the time.  This time to myself has been a blessing--I confronted myself, even the dark parts, and am in the process of sorting through things.  In the past few days I've really laughed.  It feels good to be silly again: I have a booming button collection and faux sushi making business.  I'm happy. 


Last night, Kristin and I went to yoga.  I managed to not think about anything for an hour.  I felt really peaceful..and not because of the yoga, but because I was doing something for myself. 


I have been contemplating my case of the exs...are they reappearing to show me that I have options? Are they reappearing to open up new beginnings? Are they a reflection of me? Matt called me out of the blue on Monday night.  He..hm...he was my first case of sparks.  It was my senior year of college--he asked me out on Valentine's Day.  He was an earth shattering kind of romance--electric energy that was palpable when we saw each other across a room. I laughed on the phone with him for half an hour, walking Bella, connecting with someone I hadn't spoken to in so long.  He told me he is planning on moving back to Arizona in a few months.  Incredibly random and out of the blue.


The thing that all these "exs" have in common is that although they make me laugh and are all charismatic people--I can't curl up with them in bed and overanalyze the universe or have an intellectual discussion about literature or teaching.  I have always wondered whether you can really have it all--physical, emotional, intellectual.  Jason and I had an incredible emotional/intellectual connection...I still love talking to him because we do have a wonderful friendship.  A lifetime is a long time to settle.  Yes our life would be light hearted and fun--but I wouldn't have that soulful connection, where with a single look all the unsaid words are understood.  I want that (and amazing sex). 


Also, my friend introduced me to a guy on Saturday night when we were out--he later asked her if he could get my number and after mulling it over and avoiding it for a couple of days, I admitted that I wasn't really looking to date anyone.  Somewhere, Kenny is claiming hell has frozen over. 


I'm not emotionally available or really interested in going on a date.  I'm just enjoying being on my own. For the first time in my life, I'm willing to see where it goes and hope for the best.  I get why Jeff did what he did and either way it was for the best.  In spite of missing him and hoping we'll get a chance at this-- I've let him go--that means accepting that he may or may not come back to my life.  Either way, whatever is, is right.  I don't need Jeff--I will be okay without him, but I don't want to be without him.  Normally I would loathe being vulnerable or being that honest, but I can't help that I love him and what we have together is, some sort of wonderful. Regardless of what happens, this helped me realize I wasn't confident in myself or who I am.  I had taken a month long hiatus from myself...not taking care of the things that needed to be fixed.  I feel like I can just be again.  Finally. Trust in the universe.  




"When you begin to touch your heart or let your heart be touched, you begin to discover that it's bottomless." -Pema Chodron


"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." -Buddha


"Peace of mind is not the absence of conflict from life, but the ability to cope with it." -Unknown


"True happiness means forging a strong spirit that is undefeated, no matter how trying our circumstances." -Daisaku Ikeda