Holy Sh*t balls.
I have no idea what just happened to me. I was leaving class, preparing myself for the hundreds of emotions that could come about from my conversation with J, when he gave me a wonderful house warming present; it made me want to laugh, cry, and crumble to the floor all at the same time. It was so surreal having him in the passenger seat again as I drove him to his car after class--I always feel like I'm bracing myself for impact when we're together. I never know if you are going to tell me how you feel and what you want. Our relationship is brutal. It has been brutal. The remains of our relationship are everywhere; It took me down to the bare bones, exposed and raw.
I am so aware of him when we are walking together. His touches on my back make me want to recede into myself and hide. His touch used to be the comforting in the world--but that was months ago. Now, I'm just afraid you are going to kiss me. You want more and I want peace. It makes me hate myself because you are such a good man. You've been here for me more than anyone else but yet I cannot bring myself to love you again.
Why does it always have to come to this? A painful dichotomy of what is and what was. Why do we have to lose people to appreciate them?
In the car he told me that he had been seeing a therapist because things had been so rough. I told him I was proud of him for going...he eventually added that their conversations had turned toward us and our relationship. He said he wanted to apologize, if I ever felt like things were a result of me--because in reality it was about him and his stress. I sat there white knuckling the steering wheel, knowing what he was feeling but willing him not to say it out loud. After he gave me the gifts, he hugged me so tight --I could smell the detergent on his shirt. I breathed it in, wondering how we ended up here. Two strangers who got hit by a tidal wave, swimming back toward each other to find a completely different setting.
What a day. I'm sitting here realizing...that one year ago Jason and I were just beginning and now we are beginning to end again. I loved him, I fought for him, and I gave up parts of myself to save us. It's not right--no matter how "dedicated" and "loyal" he may seem now, I need to remember what happened to us. You can't check out when times get rough, you have to stay and give the relationship 100%. Even when you don't have 100%. I can't love him again, somewhere inside I'm too far gone.
Someday, I will find someone who will give as much as I do. Always. Not when it is convenient. Always. Life is hard, and life will always be hard--but it's mildly easier because you have someone in this with you. This crazy, haphazard, unpredictable thing called life.
I balled my eyes out on the drive home. It was one of those ridiculous sob fests (as much as I REALLY could let myself cry..in fear I'd crash my car). I actually just let myself have a complete moment--I'm beginning to think it was actually cathartic. Wilson comforted me and it was one of those moments where you wish the person on the other end of the line was there to squeeze your hand. He is one of those rare people who is honest and accepting of your current state--you don't have to put on the bells and whistles and fake smile, I'm not that good of a liar anyway. He also brings up those questions that make you confront the dark parts of yourself. The black abyss of my insides.
I have been trying so hard to be tough and hold myself to some ridiculous ice queen standard during this whole thing. This stupid avalanche looming above my head. My relationships are a small snowball in this impending crash. My busy schedule and stress have become minutiae, shrinking to nothingness alongside the mangled remains of my sense of self.
I'm sure things will sort themselves out, it's acceptance of what is and what is not. At the end of the day, I need to be grateful for the people I can depend on (Kristin has been like my guardian angel lately, so supportive, strong, and compassionate)..I need to be grateful that I can trust in myself--to know that somehow I'm going to figure it out and I'm not going to fail.
It's a new thing to admit I need other people. I realized a lot about things with Jeff too. Honestly, today was like being hit in the face with a big dose of reality. What happened with Jeff is hard. It's hard because I love him and it's hard because it's as if I am stuck in neutral. Unsure of the future. I can't deny that I miss him.
Simple, obvious, harrowing.
On another level, with him I felt safe. In his company, I was able to just be and exist. It seems like it was all just a dream.
The world is back in motion, as if it none of it ever happened. DT called to get together on Friday night, I half heartedly agreed to meet up with him and his friends. As the night went on, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Eric mentioned that he wanted to come visit or see me at homecoming. The idea of someone being in my apartment or in any way, shape or form intimate with me makes my skin crawl. The idea disgusted me. Deep down I know that I don't want to get entangled up in these complicated situations. I know better. I can't imagine a man touching me or being around me. I guess this would probably stem from "the event." Jeff, somehow, transcends any barrier I have put up or wall that has been reinforced. It's just so ironic; he's the one person right now that I should be emotionally shut off to. He's gone.
At the end of the day we all need someone. We aren't meant to be alone. I don't like believing that I have to be alone. I'll pull myself together. I'll get over this negativity. I promise.
I am a strong person and I know that I'm going to continue working on myself over the next few months. I'm going to get over this. I'm going to get through it. At the end of the day, I find comfort in a hug or knowing look--I don't think that makes me weak. It goes against my general nature to seek out people right now..but I feel like we shouldn't have to do this whole crazy deal on our own, all the time.
Isn't that why we fall in love? Why we get married? To have a partner? To experience this life with your other half? Good and the bad. It's in the vows. For better or for worse. To believe that someone is going to stick by you, even when it's hard, even when they don't want to--because you're in this together. Although I'm a little beaten down right now, I still exist. At some point, you need to remind yourself that everything will be okay...you are okay.
The universe has decided I should be alone.
Even so, this experience has helped me realize I think I was wrong to always want to be on my own and get all my "stuff" sorted out, unpack all my beloved "baggage". Stuff happens. Stuff will always happen. Baggage exists because we take with us things from the past...It's what we do with it that matters. Are we going to dump it all over our partner and leave it with them to sift through? Or are we going to introduce them to the things that have shaped us? I'll love you, not in spite of your baggage, but partially because of it. You are who you are..and that's okay.
Of course we are capable of getting through it alone, deep down I know that I am..but I'm not sure that's a necessity. We won't always have our act together, we won't always have a sense of self; but at the end of the day we have people who love us who will remind us of who we are. Laughter that will pull us out of our own dark depths, into the light. Back into life.
Oh, what a day...beauty in the breakdown of 2010. I'm figuring it out, a day at a time.
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