I should be annotating Frankenstein. I should be completing the paper work for Victim's compensation. I should be e-mailing my impact statement. I should be finishing my work for tomorrow. I should be doing anything but nothing.
I'm sitting at my desk, playing catch up on emotions. Emotional land mines. They come out of nowhere--these moments, that blow up, and everything in the landscape is altered afterward.
This was all a risk. What's the difference between a risk and a chance?
I sat across from him today, preparing myself for the words..that maybe to him..this, me and you, was all a mistake. A prodigious mistake. All I've wanted was for you to be sure of me. To take ownership, that what we have, is some kind of onceinalifetime wonderful. More than anything, I want to know that this is what you want. Maybe you don't have to, maybe it's the one given in this beautiful, complicated mess of two lives colliding.
I did not go into this blind--but I never innately felt that you and I wouldn't work out. Some part of me had a faith more powerful than my logic. In my gut, it's you and me against the world.
I cannot change your guilt or your desire to fix someone. I'm not broken, perhaps a little banged up by life, but I'll never expect you to glue back my broken parts. I'm not in this, wanting you to give me happiness or fill a void. I'm in this because of my feelings for you. Months ago, I stood before you and extended my heart in my hands. We could be an amazing team. I'll never treat you like a crutch, or expect you to carry me all the way. I'm here, and I'm yours. I want a partner. I want someone who is in this as much as I am.
Maybe I wasn't listening. Maybe I should have told you to come and find me when you were sure of me and us. Maybe I should have faith in us. Maybe I should get a black and white answer. I realize, in moments of emotional land mines, that I have no security. I'm just having a little faith in the universe..having a little faith in us and this insane connection. I'm just scared you're going to settle. I know that there is nothing I can do. I can't help that a little part of me died when you said that door wasn't totally closed, an abrupt slap of cold water in the face. It was a question that tumbled off my tongue, something I wrestled with asking. You know the questions you're not really prepared to ask? An answer you may not be ready to receive.
What am I supposed to do? What you decide and what you want are out of my control. I hate being a bystander in my own life. Is that inevitable?
You are not my boyfriend, you are not mine, but you're so much more than either of those things and I'd be lying if I said you weren't. You love me. When will you let me love you back?
I want someone who is crazy about me. I want someone who will not see their world the same way without me in it. I want someone who knows the goodness I bring into their life. I want someone who will want to make me smile when life is too serious. I want someone who will steal me away for a weekend alone. I want coffee in bed and kisses in the middle of the night. Evening runs and steamy showers. Salsa music while cooking something healthy in the kitchen, stealing kisses between samples and sips of wine. Someone who won't be able to keep their hands off of me--because you find me that attractive. I want a hand to hold mine, a hand that I can squeeze when life gets a little shaky. I want a partner. A life together, built on the belief that we're in this together. Words, spoken and written, that declare exactly how they feel about me. I want to be a priority. I want to come before anything else sometimes. I want someone who won't let me walk away from us. I want someone who doesn't want to be without me. Someone who will give me what I need. I want a nook. I want someone who when I ask them if I'm what they want...they stare at me as if that is the most unnecessary question in the world. I want to know I'm what they want. We're an us.
Life is not picture perfect..packed up tightly in boxes...but I don't want to be a maybe.
you love me..when will that be okay?
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