I've been sitting here.  A knot of emotions; if I really let myself cry, I'll vomit.  The screen seems to remain blank. Blank.

Nobody answers.  Nobody calls.  Nobody tells me to take care of myself and go home from work or teaching. 

I feel like i'm drowning. 

It hit me.

Scottsdale and Hayden.  My normal morning drive.  But suddenly I was a different person.

A stranger, an intruder, an unknown entity.

The strange was doing all the things I used to be able to do.  In one hour.  Sunday.  Sunday, my favorite day of the week, my life...my life is forever changed. After it, a stranger is left to live my life.

My chest tightens and twists, my right hand shakes, I count to 10 and will my mind to wish it away:

Block it out. Seal it shut.  Lock the lid. 

Forget it. Forget. Him. 

It. Never. Happened. 

The bowling ball in my chest tells me it did.  The soreness and ache in my body tells me it did.  The amount of terror, the terror I looked in the face tells me it will never go away. 

Talking about it only creates more distance between myself and the stranger.  

My friends, my family--they don't understand.

Cliches, impossible feelings.  Avoidance.  

My mother is the most impossible. 

She tells me I should've known better.  She tells me she hopes this was a learning experience. 

Horror.  Learning experience.  Avoidance. 

She's losing me, she's in denial of the situation.  She's avoiding the stranger.  Nobody even notices the stranger. Nobody really notices me.

Relief in the silver lining.

well...my entire bathroom ceiling caved in thanks to the AC leak...to say it's a hell of a mess is an understatement. Debris is eveeeeeeeerywhere. The AC is officially shut off( with a heat advisory). Sigh. On the bright side, a bucket amongst water fell from the gaping hole in the ceiling...who doesn't need an extra bucket when you're cleaning up? A little gift from above. Literally. Relief in the silver lining. I need Holmes on Holmes; stat, pronto, tonight.