I know that I am the only person who can change how I feel. To say that up until this point I have always been a confident woman would be a lie; no matter how tempting that seems. It might be appealing to crawl under a rock and cry, cry just because I can. Cry because it might make me feel better to have a pity party. It also might be easier to take any outside stress and make it my own, then at least I'll have a fighting chance of a sense of control.
It seems that my "control" issue crops up unexpectedly. I cannot control how someone feels about me or perceives me. The only thing I can control is myself--how much I let stress get under my skin, how ugly I make my reflection, or how much sleep I lose over life's battles.
I hate owning up to the fact that maybe life isn't always perfect--not perfect in the fairy tale way, but perfect in the sense that it will be a smooth, enjoyable ride.
Worrying is unfortunately a part of life I also need to come to terms with. I am very worried about the unknown beyond graduation. In December, I might very well be unemployed, getting ready to move abroad for 6-8 months. Life was much easier when I had a 4-year plan that went..freshmen year, sophomore year, junior year, and senior year.
Now the only thing to do is enjoy the sunshine outside--you should know it's 80 degrees and the birds are chirping. Boo hoo, I know. I am going to spinning (with a sore throat, because I am still bat crazy about fitness) and then off to work.
The goal of the next month is acceptance--acceptance of who I am, and who I am not. I will never be picture perfect, totally put together, and running off on romantic rendezvous. But, I will tell you sitting outside with a yankee candle in the dark, thinking up 'big adventure' schemes, and going to visit Piglet for her birthday are all pretty damn great.
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