Limbo?

I had a moment of nervousness--the familiar, uncomfortable kind that bubbles up in your stomach and makes your heart skip a beat. Just for a second, you are unsure and unsteady. I haven't experienced that feeling in a long time.

The feeling has more or less passed. I've attempted to practice a new outlook on life--hit the ground running and hope for the best. Becoming an adult has always made me..nervous. I prefer to spend my time in a world I create, writing and ruminating. It's much easier than living and working. Obviously. Now, that I've successfully navigated the complicated world of occupations--I've landed on teaching, definitively, and feel that it will not only challenge me, but provide a source of income while I struggle to write. Starving artist, I always thought that implied a lack of talent, now I see it's more than just that.

I started thinking about home; it has recently dawned on me how much I've changed, now it's also starting to dawn on me that things have changed at home as well. Big things have happened, and it's as Wilson said they happened, in my absence. Maybe home won't be as different as I expect. Will I fall back into my old routine with ease? Or what if, as I fear, there is no longer the place I feel at home? I just re-read that last sentence, I meant to type "it is no longer" but I said there. Is that it? The underlying sentiment..that I don't have a place where I feel like I belong? I've been equating my current situation to limbo. For the past few months, I haven't felt quite at home in Spain because I knew I would be leaving, but I haven't thought of Arizona as my home because I'm not really there, either. How interesting. Here's a thought--home not as a physical destination, but an emotional one. I love the poem "I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart" by E.E Cummings because it's true..it raises the idea that 'love' and 'relationships' transverse physical limitations. Granted, there is nothing as comforting as a familiar glance from a friend that says all the words in just a single look. That knowing look. Friends get you, you don't have to explain every thought because they know you. I miss that, that knowing look. That look can't transverse oceans. There are times, will be times, in our lives when we just need that, whatever it may be, a hand, a look--to know that it's all understood.




Quotes for thought:

We have to believe that even the briefest of human connections can heal. Otherwise, life is unbearable.

Living with integrity means:
Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships.
Asking for what you want and need from others.
Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension.
Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values.
Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe

“The purpose of a relationship is not to have another who might complete you, but to have another with whom you might share your completeness.” -Neale Donald Walsch

“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that many people enter into a relationship in order to get something: they’re trying to find someone who’s going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.” -Anthony Robbins

“Don’t rush into any kind of relationship. Work on yourself. Feel yourself, experience yourself and love yourself. Do this first and you will soon attract that special loving other.” -Russ von Hoelscher

When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you.

Relationships are all there is. Everything in the universe only exists because it is in relationship to everything else. Nothing exists in isolation. We have to stop pretending we are individuals that can go it alone

Trouble is part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you enough chance to love you enough. ~Dinah Shore