I find myself..just sitting. I just got home from the trip to Almeria--and I keep getting lost in my thoughts. Thoughts of home, thoughts of goodbye, thoughts of leaving.
Packing and Saying goodbye are similar in a way--in both cases, you have no idea where to start. I remember crying when I was leaving home, and now I’m crying while leaving my new home. Life.
I was riding on the bus, looking over the endless fields, and thinking about coming back to teach in Posadas but living in Cordoba. It was strange, to seriously contemplate such a big life change..I would have never thought about it before.
While we were on the bus, the students made a pseudo “good-bye speech” to me, and of course, I cried. I tried not to, but I couldn’t help it--it was a really nice gesture and Antonio reiterated, “This is the end.”
Endings are never easy. The End implies a loss of sorts. I’m feeling all types of losses--the loss of the proper words, loss of a big adventure, loss of a separate life. Why do things have to end? Because I suppose, every beginning comes from some other beginning’s end. Am I ready to come back? The answer is I don’t know. I’m not the same person I was when I left. The person who left was scared shitless of change, life, relationships. Me, now--well I’m not afraid, I’m aware. I’m allowing myself to feel the roller coaster of emotions associated with this loss, instead of forcing a smile and pretending it’s not happening, that the wheels of change aren’t moving. But, they are, and I’m along for the ride, but I can’t help but look in the rear view mirror--knowing what..who.. I’m leaving behind. The airport awaits me in just a few days..and it’s a long trip--alone.

I don’t know what to do with myself right now. I can’t bring myself to sit down and pack at the moment, I already cleaned the bathroom/kitchen..started laundry...and now I’m thinking about baking brownies. If I stay still, stay thinking, the thoughts become overwhelming. I know if I called the girls right now, they’d make me feel like coming home is the right thing to do, that I’m not as separate from everyone as I sometimes feel..but right now I feel like I’m really alone (not lonely) but alone. It’s not a feeling I want to feel again, it’s disconcerting. I feel bad even writing it. Like I said, roller coaster of emotions. How is it, you can be so happy but so devastated about the same event?