We all struggle with relationships. Whether it is with our boss, co-workers, friends, significant others..even circumstances where a relationship is lacking can become complicated.
Regarding an aspect of our lives so inherent and important--why is it that there is no cautionary rulebook? We have guidebooks for all sorts of things: cooking, traveling, learning a new language, sports, decorating, dieting, religion, and even make-up. When it comes to the most complicated situations--I suppose we are forced to write our own guidebooks, follow our own, sometimes unreliable, compass.
Some are challenging, some are new, some are familiar, some are part of the ever revolving door, and some are well, changing. When a relationship alters--is it the dynamic, or is it us?
For example, one of my friends recently grew out of a relationship. The relationship guidelines were wrapped up in a neat package--without strings. The casualness of the relationship continued over a year, off and on, but even without the strings, it was still hard to not become accustomed to the familiarity, caught, attached. But when is..enough, enough?
I’ll be honest--friends with benefits is a common denominator known to be worthy of avoidance. But it seems, although we are aware of the danger--we are still curious, thinking to be the exception to the rule. To the boy or girl who hopes it will go somewhere..I say this--What great relationships were forged from, “Let’s hook up without any ties in case someone better comes along.” Isn’t that really the bottom line? Relationships aren’t inconvenient when it is the right person. It’s a load of bullshit if you try and sugarcoat it any other way. Is that love, the love, found when you settle for being an option?
Why is it, even when we have the rules in front of us--we still go against what we know is best?
I just don’t think we can win. I get exasperated; I read “He’s Just Not That Into You” and I felt a wave of relief--someone was finally telling it like it is. The brutal honesty I craved. But then I found so many exceptions and complications to the delineated truth. Maybe the book is right, maybe there are no mixed signals. But is it possible--when relationships are in fact so complicated-- to not have them? Are mixed signals and neat packages that ultimately become baggage, just part of the deal?
And in those relationships that are familiar--with tried and true understanding, familiarity, and trust--is it possible for one person to change without shaking up the whole dynamic? Must we grow together or simply grow apart? Statistics say that high-school sweethearts are the most likely to stay married because they relate to eachother the best. If that is true, does it blow hope for theories like “opposites attract” out of the water?
For example, two of my bestfriends are habitually struggling with their own theories:
One of my friends represents the cynic. Not that he is burned by relationships--but rather burned by the complications that come along with them. For someone who desires straightforward, no bullshit, just you and me--is it possible to get through the complicated disaster that is dating? He asks, is it ever possible to want what you CAN have? Or are we all just looking for something better, something unattainable, something that doesn’t exist?
The other, is weary of expiration dating. If an individual is unsettled and unsure of their own future--is it at all possible to plan a future with somebody else? He questions whether it is even smart to start a relationship not knowing whether you can finish it. More importantly, is it possible to pursue a new relationship when you have unfinished business with a love from the not so forgotten past?
I, the closet hopeless romantic, confess to believing love conquers all. I believe, when that love comes to your doorstep, you have no choice but to let it in--however inconvenient, however unexpected, however difficult--because when that loves comes along, there is no longer any other choice. Those loves of the past, the heartbreaks, the disasters, the regrets, will no longer matter. Those will finally stay where they belong, in the past.
To be truthful, however much I believe; alone in my room in Spain--sometimes the loneliness is palpable. I miss the comfort that comes from my hand being held. I miss the security of having your bestfriend in tow. I miss the feeling of tears coming from too much laughter. I miss the butterflies that follow a knock-your-socks-off kiss. I even miss looking up to catch the knowing smirk that follows when I do something awkward I hope went undetected.
You know, they say when you are alone--suddenly you are painfully aware of twosomes. I don’t want to get all mushy-gushy on you right before Valentine’s Day (sigh) but a couple of weeks ago when I was going to Cordoba, I saw two people who made my heart ache. It was an older couple, late 30s, mirroring eachothers body movements like two satellites in sync. Their weather-worn hiking books sparked images of epic adventures, and long walks together. They were bohemian, blissful, and completely oblivious to the curious stares they received. They were..a perfect fit. As they waited for the train, he pulled her close and they started dancing slowly. He even did a hollywood dip. They were both glowing, so in love, and I couldn’t help but look for wedding bands. I wondered if it was the “infatuation” stage of a new relationship--how long would it last? How long had it lasted? Or maybe, as the avid reader of “Pride and Prejudice,” “Wuthering Heights” and “The Notebook” in me hopes-- it is that love, the all consuming, can’t live without you love.
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