My nights are filled with strange noises. They wake me up, interrupt my sleep, and cause enough agitation to make me wonder who is the culprit. Who is the cause of all these obscure, weird noises. Every house has nighttime visitors that make noise. In Santa Fe, I couldn’t sleep at first because the pond in our courtyard had toads that would talk all night long. In Tucson, sometimes the alarm of the girl I shared the wall with would go off..and keep going off, or the trains would alert me time had passed and I was still laying in bed awake. This past year in Scottsdale, my thoughts would keep me awake. In Spain, the cacophony of noise stems from the Mesoncito and the cars along my narrow street. As if to make up for how quiet Posadas is during the day, people, garbage trucks, and noisy motorcycles are sure to make an appearance right as I’m about to drift off to sleep. I want to kick over the motorcyclist. I suppose it is not all their fault, because the first week I was here I didn’t notice them--completely exhausted. Tonight, dinner with cafe con leche is most likely to blame. Do you think I’ll ever grow accustomed to them? Maybe even find them comforting at some point?
I’m running over solutions to my inability to fall asleep. I could heat up a cup of warm milk--but that doesn’t REALLY sound appetizing. I could read some more of Obama’s second book and get frustrated, or I could continue reading Stephanie Meyer’s “Eclipse” to find out what’s going to happen between Bella, Edward, and Jacob. I could watch another episode of Sex and The City...or maybe even Grey’s Anatomy. Of my solutions, I chose to type away at my diary--the one thing that empties my mind. I’m also thinking about taking another sleep aid, to counteract the caffeine.
You know what I was thinking tonight? This is strange--but it feels like I’m living an alternate life, while my life at home remains on pause. I think about everyone so much, wanting to know what they are doing and sometimes just wishing I could call and check in more frequently. Even the people I never talked to on the phone that much, I want to call and just say hi. I guess that’s what facebook is for. I guess I just don’t like not being apart of people’s lives. Like I wonder, if some people are just moving about their everyday and not thinking of me ever. Not in a narcissistic way. Okay, I guess it’s as if, I feel weird leaving a message about my strange existence in Spain on facebook because it is so drastically different from the life I used to have, the life where I was apart of theirs and they were apart of mine. For instance, I was watching Grey’s anatomy and it made me think of Erin and Elise, how I wish I could know what their studies are like...and what it would be like to want to work in medicine, and of Allison because her Dad would always talk about how unrealistic it is. Then, whenever I hear people singing in the street I think of Sopko, the angel of music haha. Sometimes, when I’m walking around downtown I can hear the conversation Kenny and I would have in my head. Other times, I try and envision Wilson being here in Posadas instead of me--because I know he thinks he wanted this experience. When I was buying my little treasure of Nutella, I thought about Casper. When i’m getting aggravated with organizing my room/apartment I worry about Jamie and how she is acclimating in her new life. Oh and this girl in my class reminds me so much of Nichole, the sometimes self-doubting, but always beautiful fashionista. Today when I was passing the fountain in Cordoba, I wondered what Aus would look like walking in the promenade. When I was at the party with the immature girls, I wondered what Amy would do to make me have fun, because I always have fun with I’m with her. When I contemplate going outside in my sweatpants, I laugh because I know Hanna would just do it. I wonder if I think about them more because they aren’t here and sometimes I wish they would just show up--or if because at home I would just call them right in that moment, or tell them the funny thing that made me think of them later in the weekend.. I guess none of that makes sense. But it’s true you know, my favorite poem, my life-saving poem--by E.E Cummings, “I carry your heart, I carry It in my heart” because we’re never truly alone--we have the comfort of memories of our loved ones. I just hope, it’s like Amy said tonight, that nothing has really changed at home--that I’ll still have a place in their life, because for me...home is on pause...and not still playing in my absence.
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
P.S: I’m afraid Bella won’t be “my” dog when I go home. That she’ll prefer my mom and brother. I hate leaving it like that, not comforting myself about it or something--but I guess I stop myself because right now there is nothing I can do.
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