Last night, as I sat perched on a chair in the kitchen, wedged between another person and a stove--watching this trashed girl throw herself clumsily at an equally trashed boy. It hit me that sometimes I feel really alone here. I was in a crowded house party, taking in American's who live like they're Spanish. I know the quote, "When in Rome"--but at what point does it stray from "When in Rome, Do As The Romans Do" and cross the line to altering my personal lifestyle choices?
I can't explain it fully. It was 3am, and I was observing an american crammed into an Audrey Hepburn lookalike dress, with no make up on, and her hair drunkenly askew--listening to her preach, "I love men. I love women. I love it all." It's like, being in Spain suddenly made her somebody else..as if being Spanish is way cooler than being American. IDK I think it just felt that way last night, maybe i'm in a bad mood, maybe i'm not ready to be out and about, not acclimated enough yet. I was criticized and thrown under the bus as I sat discontentedly, waiting to talk to someone who wasn't wearing a mask. Waiting to talk to someone who could admit..yeah it's really late..let's get going. Apparently, i'm the lamest person on the earth for not wanting to leave to go to a club at 4am. Seriously? One girl, i hadn't even met, snapped "But nobody will be at the club right now, it's too early" (I look at my watch and realize it's 3:30am. Please.) It turned into a pissing contest about "It's Spain, they stay out til 8am."
At that point I was done. I sat there, dressed up and ready to see Spanish nightlife completely put off by illness as I inhaled the cloud of cigarette smoke that filled the apartment, watching people devour Jamon flavored Lays and sit on their foreign high horse. I think I just wanted to go out with the girls (mandy & sara). Just get out. At that point, I just felt like a fish out of water. I felt completely out of place in the nightlife scene.
It got me thinking about night life in general--and the two categories people fall under. 1, the cocktail --the person who likes to go out, have a couple drinks, and socialize with their friends. 2, the keg --the person who drinks way too much, and wants to be out, usually only to say that they WERE out. I know it's not that black and white.
I started getting sick a couple days ago and by last night it was full force, swollen throat, hurts to swallow, body aches. I tried to push myself to go out, just to experience the night life, but circa 4am I began to wonder at what cost to myself--being tired the next day b/c i had to get up early, probably propagating illness..it just didn't feel worth it to sit there anymore.
Actually, it felt like freshman year of college all over again, and the total hotmess that was fraternity parties--but i'm not an 18 year old girl anymore, i'm 22. I'm ready for something more. I missed my friends last night, I missed my fun, social, shenanigan filled life at home. I miss O'malleys, I miss Dirtbags, I miss Old Town. I miss my places--my comfort zone.
I have my ups and downs, somedays I love Spain and love Posadas. Other days, like right now--I get so homesick it hurts.
“When we truly realize that we are all alone is when we need others the most”
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