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Saturday, November 22, 2008

I feel loneliest at night.




It's 4:25am on Saturday morning. I cried-- I HATE crying, particularly by myself...if that makes sense. Tears are impossible, it's like they fill up inside you, then they spill over and out your eyes..down your cheeks..and back into your body--just to sting your lips. The more your try and fight them--the more futile it is. Like I said, I hate crying.




When it comes time to go to sleep...when the city becomes quiet...and i'm alone--my thoughts keep me awake. I try and push them back, but in their place is insomnia. Miserable, bittersweet insomnia. Night Owls. Is there something more emotionally plundering to the name? I haven't wanted to write about this...because this is something i'm not proud of, something about me I do not want to own, or maybe something I don't even understand.

A large, still book is a piece of quietness, succulent and nourishing in a noisy world,


The company of my misery is found in several pages, divided into chapters, reawakened at the end of another book. The escape is over, and i'm back where I started...the indistinguishable thoughts that I don't want to face resurface...and then I ponder about watching a romantic comedy for cliche laughs...or starting another paper adventure to lose myself in. It's some sort of vicious cycle that I can't break. I just feel confused, like I'm waiting for..the better version of myself to float up.

Lately, i've immersed myself in Twilight and now i'm onto the follow-up New Moon. I was hoping to be comforted by the epic romance of Edward and Bella..but so far in the second novel i've just been reading about a character's loneliness that mirrors my own, thus..200 pages later i'm still unsettled and disappointed with my misery's company.

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Think twice about fast food.




Alright...let me just set this up for you. I was driving passed Jack in the box..and I saw a sign that frightened me..they were serving teriyaki bowls. Hmm. Jack in the box. Teriyaki Bowl. Jack in the box. Teriyaki bowl.

I don't understand where the idea came from or why they would think they could serve Asian cuisine. A more important question..who would order that from Jack in the box?!?!?! Apparently, it was a menu favorite just 5 short years ago and is back by popular demand. SERIOUSLY? People are going to Jack in the Box to get their teriyaki fix? Tragic. Absolutely, positively tragic. It got me thinking about nutrition...and fast food..and how the two words just don't belong in the same sentence.




The latest fast food phenomenon (catastrophe) that sent me over the edge was the fried macaroni and cheese bites. Macaroni is bad enough...but then to deep fry it? You've got be kidding. So who would think of making this abomination a menu choice? Look no further.." Mac 'n' cheese is an American classic that's universally loved," said Teka O'Rourke, director of menu marketing and promotions for Jack in the Box Inc. "Our new Cheesy Macaroni Bites offer the same great flavor of the original dish, but in a unique, finger-food style that's very convenient and portable."

It occurred to me that one of the biggest problems with people is that we measure something by its level of convenience..and not its ultimate value. Macaroni and Cheese is a staple comfort food--follow me with this, we are now getting pseudo comfort; conveniently and quickly on-the-go.





When people are ordering macaroni bites (440 calories in 6 pieces)...I doubt they are on their own. Paired with a soda and another menu choice..or even one packet of ranch...we are looking at almost an entire day's caloric intake in one crappy meal. Just one of the buttermilk house dressing packets has 290 calories and 30g of fat. At what cost?

And really..after re-reading my entry from London..I discovered my tasty big mac treat had 560 calories. Plus french fries at 250 calories = 810. And if you want the whole truth, i'll throw myself under the bus..I had 2 big macs that night...1,370 calories!!!

So i'm not totally above an occasional fast food slip up..obviously...Last thursday I went out, had a couple drinks and then took a trip across the border and indulged in 2 burrito supreme's and a taco. I'm repentant..not only because of the stomach ache that accompanied my fast food treat, but also due to the fact it wasn't as satisfying as I would have hoped. So how much damage did I really do?



1 burrito supreme: 440 calories, 162 fat calories
x 2 =880 calories
+ 1 beef taco: 170 calories,90 from fat

= 1,050 calories.


Here it is, I was looking for convenient satiety. As a result of my fast food aberration, I felt terrible. The food is bad quality and offers no nutritional substance. So from now on, after counting calories, I realize that the convenience is definitely not worth it.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

So I got a new car???



Okay, i'll admit--i've always had the fantasy of a brand new car showing up on my driveway Christmas morning, with a big red ribbon.  FANTASY is the operative word.  Anyways, on my return from Tucson, I came home to find a brand new Acura TSX in the driveway..and my fateful companion, the white celica, gone
 
I had an inkling that my mom might have something up her sleeve, when we stopped to look at the TSX's about a month ago.  I figured she was looking more for herself and maybe trading in the MDX for a sedan.  

I've always wanted a TSX..in my mind it being the perfect car. My dream car in fact.  4 doors, but still compact.  I was going to get myself an older one and buy it when i got back from Spain.  And somehow..it's going to already be waiting for me.  I want to pinch myself. 

I feel really lucky today, and really really appreciative.  


I want to write a small thank you memoir to my celica.  Please stop reading so you don't think i'm a total loser.

Dear Celica aka Lola,
I would like to thank you for being my fateful companion.  I remember when you showed up at my house my junior year of highschool--I loved you so much that I learned how to drive stick shift in 1 day.  Thank you for tolerating stalling at every red light the next morning on the way to school.  I think I cried from frustration.  Also, thank you for being patient with me when learning how to downshift.   Thank you for forgiving me everytime I pulled forward too much and scraped the front bumper.  Thank you for having the best turn radius ev-er.  Thank you for becoming clean again after you sat under a gross tree for 3 months in Santa Fe when I ditched you and opted to drive the BMW while I could.   Thank you for being a stick shift..so it was practically impossible to drive you under the influence. Also, thank you for being reliable--particularly in the most embarrassing moment of my directionally retarded life while driving from New Mexico to Arizona..and somehow ending up accidentally in Texas.   Thank you for being the best little Celica in the world, and whenever I see a white celica--i'll miss you.  

Sincerely,
Courtney Elizabeth

Friday, November 14, 2008

Gay Marriage

I said in an earlier entry that i was worried that the ban on gay marriage was getting little attention, then I found this 'top 10 reasons why gay marriage is wrong" memo--and I thought it was pretty clever and insightful. Anyways, here it is:

"10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong":

1) Being gay is not natural.

And real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, air conditioning, tattoos, piercings and silicon breasts...

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay.

In the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior.

People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract. Lamps are next.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all.

Hence why women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed.

And we can't let the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children.

So therefore, gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our population isn't out of control, our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children.

Since, of course, straight parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion.

In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home.

Which is exactly why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms.

Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Standing up for myself in a few paragraphs.

Sometimes you have to get to know someone really well to realize you're really strangers.


William Blake wrote, "It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend." Perhaps it's easier to forgive an enemy because you don't have expectations of them..but a friend..those are the ones who set the standard.

I suppose a lot of the sayings are true..particularly that you don't know who your friends are until push comes to shove. It was a tough pill to swallow at first...but I think you've known the truth in that statement all along. I say this because I think you knew that you could never be there for anyone else, so you weren't disappointed in your friends when they weren't there for you..., afterall you surrounded yourself with mirror images of the selfishness you embody. It makes me sad, but more sad for you, that I never realized how artificial you were. When you are unsettled, shaky, and discontent it filters into the other aspects of your life, and if it goes unchecked I guess it ultimately poisons your relationships with other people.

What I see now, is not a problem within myself--but a problem within you. The great difference between you and I, is that all the time my world was falling apart--I never expected everyone else's world to stop and fall apart too.

You spend so much time belittling the superficiality of those around you--but you are the most superficial of them all. I wish you luck, judging everyone from atop the walls you built around yourself. When the day comes, where you do something to genuinely help a friend without complaining or thinking about how it inconveniences you..I will applaud you. When you can call a friend to sincerely hear how they are doing..then you might start to become the person I always hoped you were..hoped you could be.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I find solace in the Golden Girls.

When people tell you they're worried about you...what are you supposed to do with it? It's an interesting spot, to be trying to please everyone and then realize that you haven't effectually been putting up the guise you'd hoped. I guess it's understandable..one could get feeble when they've been trying to juggle their own life and problems, your expectations and problems, all the while maintaining a beaming smile while keeping up the tremendous effort.

So...it seems to be either let them see you struggle, or fake harder. Can I just catch a break? I woke up at 1:30 today, and in addition to the ramifications of Mono I think I have insomnia--I told Aus last night, "I think i'm going to go downstairs and watch TV." he asked why, I said "I find solace in the Golden Girls.

The Election :)

So the media reiterated that today...tonight...would be a historic election. People would recount tales of where they were when they heard the news that Barack Obama was elected President. That this election was a turning point for our nation, that a black man would be President. What makes me sad is...when did Barack Obama become more known as a figurehead for a minority movement...and not a figurehead for our country...as an established, noteworthy candidate?

I'll give it to them, I'm sure i'll remember sitting on the couch--looking from my right to my left, hearing comments that the media was only showing black people celebrating in the crowd....black people speaking about Obama. It makes me sad, because I wish people would ignore race as a reason for voting. For or Against. I just feel that in order for race to no longer be an issue..people need to somehow become colorblind. Maybe that's too hopeful or naive or something.

Also, i'm very concerned about the lack of attention the ban on gay marriage is receiving, and also abortion rights. Bush is adamant that there should be a ban on gay marriage...but personally--I don't understand why marriage is not representative of a union between two people who want to be together forever. There are significant legal rights involved with marriage, and if two people want to spend their lives together....shouldn't they be provided the same tax cuts, etc, that other people establishing a life together receive?

I feel bad, i'm sure Sarah Palin is a great woman--but I can't help but think she kind of took McCain down. Most people were afraid of her becoming vice-president. Here are some of her embarrassing moments..(kind of reminds me of George Bush..."Watch this swing!")



Ultimately..all things Palin considered..I think Bush ruined the chance of the Republican party to succeed in this election. Because of his unpopular/groundless decisions, and bad light in the media; many ignorant people assumed that everything Bush is everything Republican. I'm also worried, like many of my friends, that in a year from now--people will still be discontented with the lackluster change in the economy. Pretty words and promises are nothing without follow through...and i really really really hope Obama incites the change he promised--or better yet, that people will be realistic about how quickly pragmatic changes can be put into place.