Alright, i'm sitting at the phoenix airport after an irrational amount of stage 5 anxiety. For some reason I was completely convinced that it would be really busy and I would miss my flight..not that there aren't a bagillion flights to LAX everyday. I don't know what's wrong with me. I was so excited when I originally found out I had been accepted to teach in Spain, and now i'm terrified.
When I say terrified, i mean lump in your throat, gut twisted...terrified. It's not a normal thing to do, I guess I really never have done things "normally" but I do think i'm pretty predictable. This time I even surprised myself.
I think it was a means to an end..I had no plans after graduation and I panicked. I never envisioned myself sitting in a cubicle from 9-5 doing the same mundane activities and paperwork everyday. I want to be learning, growing, and challenged everyday. I want to see the world and really FEEL how individual my life is, does that make sense?
I had the same anxiety about going to London. I pretty much did a therapy session when I got out of the taxi cab and was at some godforsaken campus in the middle of nowhere that looked like a hell hole. Luckily, after becoming sopping wet and exhausted from lugging 2 huge bags--I made it to the front of the building where a bunch of weird foreign kids were smoking and looking at me indifferently. I know i can handle being in another country on my own, because the thing is--you have no choice. It's you, your luggage, and your thoughts.
I don't know why i'm making it into a scary experience. Most people would be envious. But i picture myself standing at the airport on september 26th, completely horrified at the prospect of leaving everything behind. But in my defense, maybe it is a scary experience. I'm picking up and making a life for myself in another country when I don't even know how to fully take care of myself here. It gets exhausting, today I just wanted an extra pair of hands to help me out and multitask. I felt like I had a million + 1 things to do and no time to breathe and get them done in a rational way.
My entire life was rooted in trying to live up to my father's expectations of me, compromising who I was as a person to fit into the mold he had provided for me since i was born. I'm exhausted. Carrying the weight of that pressure has left me nowhere. I used to feel guilty when I would think of not speaking to him anymore and cutting off what little communication we had. Yet, I could never do it and he did it so easily. I guess it reiterates, leave them before they leave you. But I don't want to be living in a perpetual game of russian roulette. I'm tired, I feel depths of heartache I didn't think existed; I don't want to go through that again...and now i'm back where I started.
For the time being, I'm going to put on my happy face and not burst into tears about Spain. I'm going to attempt to get my Visa. No..positivity--I'm going to get my Visa.
