For the first time in a long time I have no words to convey the roller coaster of emotions i'm experiencing. Graduation is just a few days away and everyone is parting, leaving our amazing..safe and crazy world behind. I've never been a good candidate for change..it's just not in my DNA. I feel as if the world is flying from underneath my feet like a slick rug and I can't dig in my heels fast enough...so i'm in this state of free falling.
I was sitting in the library, successfully worrying about life and the universe, when I checked my e-mail and saw my acceptance letter to teach in spain. I started CRYING, right there in the middle of the 3rd floor--Totally embarrassing and an aberration of my collected character-- It was like a wave of relief rolling over my body. A plan is in motion. Never envisioning myself as the type to pick up and move to another country, i'm still in a state of shock. Moving abroad seems to be some weird form of escapism for me...some people have movies or books..I have foreign countries. The truth is i'm shocked.
Alright, so i'm going to hash this out even though my feelings are the last thing I want to confront. I'm freaked out that i'm not where I thought i would be. Technically, I never had a real vision for where I saw myself. I've become so much stronger this year...and slightly weaker at the same time. The world seems to move so fast, I feel like i've been in a constant state of flux--watching, waiting, hoping things would never change. I've realized that relationships seem to be the cornerstone that I build my safety net on. Oddly, I have no coherent relationship with anybody. Some people might criticize me thinking I need to be in a relationship, but that's not true. I seem to run in the opposite direction of guys who make it a point to want to be with me. I go after things that are temporary and entertaining..not noteworthy.
It's strange, how you can want something permanent but not want it at the same time. That doesn't make any sense. Okay, I love being single..but not being ALONE. So different. I've garnered the nick name "maneater" which is laughable in and of itself, but there have been a series of guys who had potential but sans the IT factor.
So in general, at this point on relationships: I don't want to fall asleep at night missing someone. I had such an emotional day, thinking about my dad and everything. I really wanted to go to bed enveloped in someone's arms. Maybe it's the kid in me, I just want to be comforted. I've gotten really good at keeping everyone away from me when i'm like this, hiding out in my room and acting as if everything is perfect. Allison and I call that..Susie. She's better at it than I am, being fake. Not in the typical girl way..but in a way that it seems as if nothing is rumbling beneath your surface. I watched two romantic comedies..27 dresses and What Happens in Vegas; i'm ready for my happy ending. And that's exactly why i'll never get it. Because I want it, you never get what you want. It's fate's cruel sense of humor.
Change is scary. It's Linus when his blanket is in the dryer, there is nothing to hold on to. I should be overjoyed about Spain. The grass is always greener. I am OVERJOYED about Spain, i'm just so all over the place. I felt grounded earlier today. I need to get that back, get it together, stop being such a baby about life, love, and all the things inbetween. I'll land on my feet. I'm typing that with umph, trying to convince myself here before I go to bed.
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