It's weird, lately whenever I get on to write...all the random thoughts that circle my head all day..I end up writing some random story that's been on the backburner for a year. I wish I could write a full and legitimate short story. I guess the problem is that I have no direction.
Honestly, this is one of the strangest periods of change i've ever gone through. Graduation is looming in May and I have no job and no tangible or developed plans. I am taking my LSAT on february 2nd and I have to say that when I was registering, a wave of nausea washed over my body.
It's something that's been a problem for me my entire life, I hate attempting things when there is a strong likelihood I could fail. Failure...shoot. I'm just worried about my future and being able to take care of myself and making the life I envision for myself real and palpable. What are you supposed to do with a degree in english literature? I've learned alot..i'm sure i'm my worst critic and it really takes a toll on me. I just want someone to be my cheerleader, tell me it's going to be okay and tell me what to do--what's my plan b? To tell me I won't need a plan B. I guess some part of me knows that I have to be that for myself..I just can't find that within me these days.
I feel like i have nobody to talk to about any of this. Either they are in the same situation or they are indifferent to the worry. It's those moments i feel most alone. Nobody's really there when you need to talk it out. Why is that? Another one of life's annoying teasers.
To fulfill my too honest entry, the question got asked whether or not I want my dad to be in my wedding--that is if he wanted to. Strange to think about people getting married anyhow..but that's another story. So back to my dad--It really hurts sometimes, I always end up talking about it so nonchalantly--not wanting to get emotional with anyone, not even myself.. I didn't get a Christmas card this year, it's been a year since my dad and i stopped talking. It was really hard at the beginning of the month--I remember the email word for word and I remember that I couldn't breathe. I think i'm afraid of that feeling--total helplessness. Abandoned. I wish I could forget all of it--the feeling and the words. It's kind of like carrying around this huge elephant for no reason, nothing comes of it and i'm probably never going to find anywhere to set it down. i'm afraid to get attached to someone and have them leave too. It sounds juvenile, but it's true.
