Life never ceases to suprise me. As I sit here, on a pile of comforters and pillows, I'm queen of my own chaos...I can't help but throw in the towel. It's a half-hearted cop out.
Today felt like the storm that I saw coming, but didn't bother to really prepare for. I woke up with a severe migraine, unable to sleep all night from the sweats and rampant anxiety/insomnia. It's so frustrating, my body is my worst enemy right now. Either way, today the vision was better but then again I wasn't attempting to climb Camelback while seeing blurry images. It's amazing, that to better my life by stopping the medication, i've caused quite a disruption. I get so frustrated, like i'm trapped in someone else's nightmare.
Today I gave up..had a "pity party" and cried {insert gag..sigh..and gag again here}, it always makes me feel terrible when I cry. You feel the tears drop and roll off your cheeks but you don't get a release. So I wrote a letter that said what I felt, tentative and vulnerable, I think after all is said and done it was only fair to myself. I still feel shocked, like watching a train crash at 100 mph and just staring at the wreckage thinking.."what now?"
I dont have the answers or any form of resolution, so i did what i know how to do. I put on my nikes and ran, the sound of the world softened by music. I tried to imagine that the harder I ran, the harder I pushed the problems/anxiety from my body and my mind. Running is amazing and without it...I don't think I could function. It was amazing, looking at the orange-cicle sunset, feeling the stillness of the desert and the strength of my body. Nothing could touch me. I envied myself, my freedom.
I don't really know where my life is at.
I know i'm 21 years old, in college, with a great family, minute health problems, and a substantial education to fall back on. I know that I want to be a writer, write books that are honest..real. I also, don't believe in my writing , don't think it's realistic. So...I want to be a lawyer. But i fear rejection and I fear mediocrity, or being caught at mediocrity. So i'm terrified that I won't get into law school and I'll feel like an embarrassment. So what is one to do? Live in the moment, throw precaution to the wind, and like a tumbleweed just go where life takes me? I'm listening to Frou Frou, "Only got one" and I think they are onto something. It's your life, but you've only got one. And when I think about it like that, why am I going to get lost in the emotions of loss?
I wish I could be one of the "withouts" the people I think of who lack substance. They don't really think too much of their actions and the ramifications on other people. You can tell them you have Cancer and they will console you, all the while thinking in their mind "thank god its not me." The withouts...they get by, don't they? I just want to get by without all this emotional baggage and mind games. But the withouts don't have passion like I do. I love writing, I love learning, and i'm inspired by love, whether it is lost or gained.
All my friends, keep reiterating the fact that I should just think about myself for awhile. Kenny says that i'll never be the person who doesn't think about others or take on their problems as my own. Why can't i be wreckless and spontaneous. I guess if we were all wreckless and spontaneous the world would fall apart. It needs structure as much as it needs spontaneous action. There is a balance, I just need to find someone who is willing to be my balance. And until they come around and provide me some excitement, i'm going to lose my heartache in bikram yoga, running, and appreciating the people who stick around through it all. Hmm..what would Mom say? She would say I'm really fortunate..a princess..and nobody should make me feel like anything less. So i'm going to heed that advice, be queen of my own chaos and love it because its mine, and it's all i've got.
And it all sounds like bullshit..maybe some day I'll write it and really believe it.
