He's just not that into you...screwed us all

I can't sleep...too much on my mind. Jamie and Nicky just left--and it's amazing how the world comes full circle. We had a really entertaining and insightful discussion about relationships and the challenges that come along with the package.

Sometimes I feel that i'm plagued by the four steps forward, three steps back process. I can't make up my mind about anything. Am i ready for another relationship? I know this is juvenile, but they are legitimate thoughts in my head. I know that if Nicky or Kenny was saying this to me i'd tell them that you can't live your life afraid of getting hurt, because we all get hurt; but you get back up and move on. Saying that made me feel slightly more empowered BUT It scares me, to go through the turbulence and drama that a relationship can bring into your life. It was so hard for me to look at eric's side of the bed everynight and miss the essence of him..just being around and making me laugh. The idea of eric and i , the whole proposal after we graduated and the white picket fence fairytale. You forget the pain and the tears when you look back on things, but for some reason i can't forget the feeling of loneliness and isolation I experienced when he was incapable and insensitive enough not to be there for me when I genuinely needed something stable in my life. I never want to feel that lonely around other people again and it scares me that if I let the wrong people into my life, they will take me forgranted just like eric did..

I tend to let myself stay loyal for too long (i can't just leave jill, i have like 40 cds in his truck) and I can't seem to find someone who is as loyal and dedicated as I am to the idea of "you and me." I would rather be single and free floating than with someone who is not giving me what I deserve. I'm tired of being the driving force of a successful relationship, for once I want someone who is strong enough as a person to lean on me and let me lean on them...sometimes.

Now i'm absolutely afraid of becoming codependant on someone or expressing my needs out of a "relationship"--But reality is, I do, like most girls, expect a phone call a day if i'm in a relationship at the very least, realistically "He's just not that into you" was onto something. Nowadays, the average girl is so paranoid to be the clingy one in a relationship after reading that modern day dating advice that you automatically assume he isn't interested and if he is dating you, he MUST be atleast dating 4 other people so you should too. I don't know when old fashioned courting became all about getting laid and being a "player." If I never hear the word "Player" again, i'll be happy. Honest, fundamental relationships turned into a sport. We are so caught up in games we forget to put ourselves out there and be vulnerable. Sadly, i'm not sure i've given up the games just yet--because I don't want to be the only one not playing them.

London-- a week later :)

London is so busy busy! It's the official town of busybacksoon. I have seen the British museum (amazing) all of the west end (westminster, parliament, buckingham palace, big ben!) then the Tate museum, Madame Tussauds, the London Aquarium, Regent Park, Queen Anne's gradens, Leicester Square, Piccadilly Circus, Oxford Circus, Avenue Gardens, Richmond..including my favorite place in the whole entire world, Richmond Park. It was really my sanctuary. various little shops and restaurants (my favorite is Cafe Rouge)

We are staying at Furnival house on Highgate Hill which is an upperclass suburban area, complete with the cliche rosegardens and ancient brick townhomes. It's really beautiful--just far from downtown, it takes us about an hour on the tubes to get to Regent park where my class is at for journalism.

The weather is definitely an adjustment, everyone came with summer clothes, tanks tops and dresses--yet all we are wearing is sweat pants, jeans, and sweatshirts, really cute. But it's amazing--sometimes when i'm walking i tune out all the traffic and i just think that i'm here, on my own, making it work.

This weekend we are trying to go to Scotland and hopefully Brussels as well. And then next week we need to go see Wicked and maybe another play, it's definitely going to be a mad dash to the finish line here. I want to get on the plane home, exhausted and in still confused about where I am and where i've been.

I had a really good talk with Hanna last night about relationships and life in general. It's really hard to let go of the past or your memories of someone. Eric has been sending me really sweet messages, but at the same time, he really undermined our relationship for a long long long time and beyond a friendship I can't ever see it happening again. The support system I want just wasn't there.

After class i'm going to the harry potter premier with Linda, simply because I might as well do something random in london and then i think i'm going to walk to highgate cemetery, see if i can drag hanna out of bed. I think i'll stay in tonight..only because tomorrow should be a drunk fest? in fact, it has to be!