3 year relationship = bad dater.

After a 3 year relationship..I'm not a good "dater" as much as I'd like to pretend that I am. I feel guilty if i go out on dates with other people if i'm dating one person. Isn't that the point of being single? But i feel like i already found what i should be looking for, so what's the point in going on dates just for the mere entertainment of going out? idk if that even makes sense. I think, I suppose..before I stop going on "entertainment" dates I should make sure a relationship is honestly what I want. Or in fact if anybody even wants to be in a relationship with me, life is so damn complicated. no i take that back, relationships are so damn complicated. People are just like oceans, smooth and glistening with sharks swimming under the surface and riptides waiting to drown you. NOW that is cynical, i should be ashamed of myself but i'm not..entirely.

Sometimes I think too loud

I haven't written in awhile, i guess alot has been changing and going on and I don't like these thoughts fluttering around my mind.

I am leaving tucson tomorrow, in a completely different place than where I started. The year began with me thinking that I had found the person I would possibly spend the rest of my life with, I was a different person then...but it was a real feeling..tangible. Anyhow. This ball of life has been rolling and gaining speed and I feel that it finally hit me and i'm still trying to dig myself out of the hole it left me in. It knots my stomach and cinches my throat to say that on Mother's day my grandmother was asking my mom for lenna's number to call her and my mom had to tell her that she is the last one alive. It hurts to think of my grandma re-feeling that loss, it is something that I have been trying to push under the rug for so long and it seems that life never stops enough for me to catch my breath.

My dad sent me a card for my birthday, late. I wrestle with whether or not i'm grateful or bitter that he sent it. It's just so hard to deal with him being out of my life. It's hard to admit that his relationship was the one aspect of my life that i struggled with since childhood, always pining for his approval and to make him proud of me--to show him that girls can be bold and praise worthy too. I never would have thought that the little girl bounding off the plane, searching through strangers faces to find the arms of her hero would be sitting at a computer at 3 am, wanting to forget his face. The card left me speechless. I ripped it up and put it in the garbage. It disrupted the protective barrier I had coated myself in. The thing about these emotions that I'm confronting is that I'm afraid to let anyone in. I don't want them to see me cry or see me feel devastated. I don't want to feel those things. If people really cared they would ask. But nobody asks. I want to keep everyone at an arm's length and i'm so quick to turn my back on people the minute I feel they could hurt me or add complications. With guys in particular, I feel that the minute they show an action that could be perceived as negative i'm suddenly back to ground zero, ready to ignore their phone calls and all the feelings I allowed myself to feel.

I feel lately that it is my best interest to just float around, not allowing myself to feel anything deep for any one person in particular, but I can't help it and I thought I found a real connection, i liked the way it felt and i felt like someone saw through my layers and actually saw me for me. idk..I don't even feel comfortable writing it because part of me feels that i'm fooling myself into feeling something not necessarily genuinely there--I feel that guys aren't trustworthy and that they are going to disappoint me. They say one thing to me but have alternative intentions running under the surface. I have expectations of people and when they fail to do something I "need" them to do, i'm put off again. I know it is unfair of me to expect things from people if I am unwilling to ask.

I know that doesn't necessarily make sense, but for example today--I felt so overwhelmed. I wish that I could be a spontaneous, roll with the punches, go with the flow kind of person..but i'm not there yet. I try to follow the motto "fake it til you make it" but it takes time. I'm flabberghasted about the move, i'm not good at dealing with disorder and chaos. i'm so frustrated with the move and it hasn't even begun. my life is in boxes. waiting to be unpacked in a truck somewhere.

The painters were supposed to be working all this week and of course, they are arriving for the first time tomorrow to start painting with the deadline of monday when the movers come. So i have to bring Bella down tomorrow to an empty house to meet Zeus and deal with the stress of strangers in the house and a whole new location. My mom suggested..commanded lol that I find a place to stay because of the paint fumes but i'm just so agitated. Although it was undesirable to just sleep in the house and set up my bathroom and closet and just let bella and zeus run around the house, it was a plan and it was feasible. But now they have to be outside, hopefully not accidently let out and i have to drive zach and mom to the airport to go to Nevada til Sunday? It just seems like alot.

Although the semester is over, i'm still running things over in my mind about how disappointed i am with my academic performance..i feel like im not myself not matter how hard I try. I have moments where I feel a snippet of the old me and it's such a relief, a breath of fresh air, and then something comes and knocks me back down to my knees. I just want it to be over, for the world to pause all around me and allow me to tuck the issues away to never be found again. I wish someone could help me, just deal..but i'm totally alone.

Dealing with verizon today and attempting to facilitate my day for tomorrow was so exhausting and stressful on me, i wanted to have an empathetic ear to call and a hug to be had. I'm not one to ask for help, but today i just wanted to dig my heels into the ground and throw in the towel. Dating is..whatever. But getting invited to a bar just isn't my scene right now. I need quiet time and one on one time with people; it seems like i'm the only one who needs that..which defeats the purpose. Today is the first day in a long time that i felt unwillingly disappointed and lonely. It makes me want to shut everyone out and just go into solo mode. As much as I hate to say this, I know that i'm going to crawl back inside myself for awhile...i'm just not ready to deal with people in different places than I am. I want something great. I want..what i've always wanted..and i'm not ready to put myself out there emotionally.. it just doesn't seem to be happening..so i guess it's back to being solo. i've gotten pretty good at it by now :-/

Finals Week

So yes, what every college student across the nation has been anticipating has finally come. Finals week, the week where people eat like crap, feel like crap, and study until their brain feels like crap. Eloquent, but true.

I still don't understand the point of finals. Particularly, my personal hell, of my senior seminar. My teacher feels sorry for me because of my immune deficiency over the past semester. It's pretty sad how many times I have been sick; but stress will do that to you. Do you ever have the urge to spill your guts to a complete stranger; just to get it OUT. I'm going to call that brutally honest word vomit. It has a nice gross ring to it. Sometimes, when I feel that a person is awkward/bored around me I feel the need to share my life story with them...to get a reaction, to open communication? I'm not really sure. I guess it doesn't really matter--it's pointless rhetoric either way.

So today I met with Professor Epstein after class to discuss my final paper on George Eliot. The paper is comprised of 15 pages tracing the career of the novelist and Eliot's canon. Bor-ing. My troppe is consequence; specifically economic consequence, social consequence and finally moral consequence. Ultimately, in my paper i need to determine what ELIOT is doing and why consequence is important in her novels.

Basically when I left his office my head was spinning and i'm pretty sure i made the most awkward exist any student has ever pulled; I booked it. I put my notebook away, told him "I think it'll be great. No..I know it'll be great" i was pretty much maintaing a full on motivational speech to myself infront of my teacher. So not only does he think i'm unhealthy and sickly but probably mentally off balance as well. Maybe he'll feel sorry for me? haha it's just embarrassing, I wish I could have been a fly on the wall to watch myself make my dramatic exit. Oh the things people do when they are stressed.