there are two kinds of people:
the first are the people who listen to you and really truly care
the second are the people who listen to you half-heartedly and are thinking "thank god that's not me."
What sucks is the fact that i didn't take my Lexapro today, i hate it so much. It makes me feel like i just got tranq darted or something, absolutely sedated and really really nauseated. So I didn't want to take it and it's funny that I totally and utterly fall apart. I thought it was maybe worse to be so out of it all the time, but I really just can't cry anymore. It comes in waves, and it just rushes over me and I feel like I can't stand. So i'm going to take it, for this month, like i'm prescribed. I'm only taking half doses because my body responds to it so oddly. you're not supposed to mix it with alcohol or anything, and i just really couldn't help myself. I didn't want to feel even more isolated from everybody by being like "sweet, party..get away from me drunk assholes" lol.
It's hard enough to be there..now with things, the last thing I want is to FEEL even more like an oddball. It's not that drinking is normal but it's normal for ME on a weekend, with my friends, in moderation. It was just nice to feel something other than sadness/anger. Allison and I were going to smoke after our run; but we didn't, i guess i'm glad because i don't want to turn to it but i feel like it's the only thing that'll relax me. I can't meet with my therapist til next monday, what is the point of having one when you need to meet with them and they can't? It's just such a stupid cycle. Everything that has gone wrong is in the past, it's already happened. it's over and i feel like i missed out on everything; I don't want to feel so blah anymore. I don't want to TALK about my issues--it's pointless really, sorry is the most overused word in the dictionary. besides like. sorry doesn't get me anywhere, it just makes the person saying it feel like they fulfilled their obligation. i think people should say.."Why don't you..." or "What are you doing to get beyond it?" i know that's alot to ask and that majority of the world doesn't know what to say, but if i don't know what to say and you dont know what to say then what is the point of talking about it? I just want to learn how to "frame" it to make it less stressful. to look at it from a new and bolder perspective. it's just tough.
