Alright well i just reviewed my homework til Thursday and my head is spinning. I just finished reading The Secret Sharer by Conrad and took a brief reprieve to eat dinner and watch Desperate Housewives with Amy. I am now about to undertake reading 2 chapters of Virginia Woolf's "A Room of One's Own" in order to write a response paper tomorrow before reading two other books assigned in my last english class and write a summary of each one. Then, I have to read 15 pages out of Colonial Africa (which is a huge book..it's not an easy task).
I really miss Santa Fe right now..I guess more than that I miss being at home. I was thinking today after spin cycling when Annie, Tattiana and I had gone shopping and were sitting in the middle of the plaza with the trees lit up and the cloud rumbling with thunder and then the water sprinkling all over the cozy green grass and all the people bustling in and out of the shops. It was a moment where I could taste the rain on my lips and treasure the smell. I'm really excited for Annie to come and visit me in Tucson and more than i'm excited about going to Melbourne for the summer and hopefully living together. I cannot wait to get out of the country, i'm finally turning into my older brother and ready to get going.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Sunday, August 27, 2006
The upside of anger
People don't know how to love. They bite rather than kiss. They slap rather than stroke. Maybe it's because they recognize how easy it is for love to go bad, to become suddenly impossible... unworkable, an exercise of futility. So they avoid it and seek solace in angst, and fear, and aggression, which are always there and readily available. Or maybe sometimes... they just don't have all the facts.
Today has been incredibly lackadaisical..finished reading "A room of one's own" by Virginia Woolf..I feel strange reading another woman's diary..her personal thoughts on an essay prompt entitled "Women and Fiction."
I'm spoiled and privileged to live in a time where women are free to be educated and keep their own money..intriguing isn't it? To think that just years ago my life would be completely different and the world would seem as if it was an alternate universe. This could be considered an empowerment of women and that I am turning slowly but surely into an annoying feminist, but that would be shortsighted and pretty indignant. The truth is--women are not what they used to be.
The past is a foreign country, they do things differently there.
I think of women, more specifically--i think of my family. My great aunt who would never have allowed anyone to disregard her opinion or disrespect her individuality..my grandmother who doesn't know what it is to have a bad day or not smile away a problem..and my mother..who is harder to define..is a fighter and i'm so lucky to know her..to have her has my own. I think about how raw it is to care so much about another person when you see them faulter, you stop in tracks and hold your breath. My little brother is on my mind alot lately--i worry. I worry about how he is going to be accepted by his peers and how he is going to acclimate to a world that seems like a parallel universe; and maybe santa fe is. But that's what I needed this summer. I needed a fresh slate to grow and to learn and to make my own mistakes and learn a little bit about myself through the risks I took. It may seem odd considering how homesick i was for my friends and phoenix when I got there but i gained so much; I met so many people that I will treasure in a box of memories--remembering what they had to offer and for the first time in my life being outside of their circle and disproving their misgivings about me..
"Your favorite color is pink, working out is the first thing you think about and you're in a sorority"...I still don't know if i ever proved MIcah wrong..but somewhere in the weeks that passed I stopped caring. not completely, but mostly. I'm worried that now that i'm back i'm going to revert to my old trepidatious ways. Inside of me is a little candle that is growing and i'm hoping it will surge and take over and remind me that no one is capable of affecting me in a negative way and nobody is worth a second thought that doesn't demand respect and deserve it. I never thought i would say this and i'm slightly weary to say it--but there are alot of weeds in my past, individuals that took advantage of my optimism about them and ended up being as worthless as deep down I know they knew they were. I consider sending a message of 'closure' and then I think that perhaps these people are so conceited and ignorant that they probably believe they were fool proof in their ways. Perhaps that is one of the most erroneous mistakes a person could make, not taking ownership of your own misgivings and your own flaws--I have and if they had things would not be awkward. People harbor ill will towards another when they are not capable of finding solitude within themself. I used to think what I could have done differently and in all honestly, I feel time is wasted doing that--although I have benefitted myself and grown as an individual I just need to let go and move on from their affliction. I was angry, but the upside of anger is that you can defeat it and become something greater. I know that i am a better, kinder, and more intelligent person than they will ever be able to become..and with that i see no need to continue to feel intimidated, concerned, or annoyed by their behavior. My mom has always reminded me to be a better person and acknowledge their prescence if our paths should cross; but frankly i don't think they deserve it--What a liberating sentence..and with that i'm going to read something I know nothing about..colonial Africa.
Today has been incredibly lackadaisical..finished reading "A room of one's own" by Virginia Woolf..I feel strange reading another woman's diary..her personal thoughts on an essay prompt entitled "Women and Fiction."
I'm spoiled and privileged to live in a time where women are free to be educated and keep their own money..intriguing isn't it? To think that just years ago my life would be completely different and the world would seem as if it was an alternate universe. This could be considered an empowerment of women and that I am turning slowly but surely into an annoying feminist, but that would be shortsighted and pretty indignant. The truth is--women are not what they used to be.
The past is a foreign country, they do things differently there.
I think of women, more specifically--i think of my family. My great aunt who would never have allowed anyone to disregard her opinion or disrespect her individuality..my grandmother who doesn't know what it is to have a bad day or not smile away a problem..and my mother..who is harder to define..is a fighter and i'm so lucky to know her..to have her has my own. I think about how raw it is to care so much about another person when you see them faulter, you stop in tracks and hold your breath. My little brother is on my mind alot lately--i worry. I worry about how he is going to be accepted by his peers and how he is going to acclimate to a world that seems like a parallel universe; and maybe santa fe is. But that's what I needed this summer. I needed a fresh slate to grow and to learn and to make my own mistakes and learn a little bit about myself through the risks I took. It may seem odd considering how homesick i was for my friends and phoenix when I got there but i gained so much; I met so many people that I will treasure in a box of memories--remembering what they had to offer and for the first time in my life being outside of their circle and disproving their misgivings about me..
"Your favorite color is pink, working out is the first thing you think about and you're in a sorority"...I still don't know if i ever proved MIcah wrong..but somewhere in the weeks that passed I stopped caring. not completely, but mostly. I'm worried that now that i'm back i'm going to revert to my old trepidatious ways. Inside of me is a little candle that is growing and i'm hoping it will surge and take over and remind me that no one is capable of affecting me in a negative way and nobody is worth a second thought that doesn't demand respect and deserve it. I never thought i would say this and i'm slightly weary to say it--but there are alot of weeds in my past, individuals that took advantage of my optimism about them and ended up being as worthless as deep down I know they knew they were. I consider sending a message of 'closure' and then I think that perhaps these people are so conceited and ignorant that they probably believe they were fool proof in their ways. Perhaps that is one of the most erroneous mistakes a person could make, not taking ownership of your own misgivings and your own flaws--I have and if they had things would not be awkward. People harbor ill will towards another when they are not capable of finding solitude within themself. I used to think what I could have done differently and in all honestly, I feel time is wasted doing that--although I have benefitted myself and grown as an individual I just need to let go and move on from their affliction. I was angry, but the upside of anger is that you can defeat it and become something greater. I know that i am a better, kinder, and more intelligent person than they will ever be able to become..and with that i see no need to continue to feel intimidated, concerned, or annoyed by their behavior. My mom has always reminded me to be a better person and acknowledge their prescence if our paths should cross; but frankly i don't think they deserve it--What a liberating sentence..and with that i'm going to read something I know nothing about..colonial Africa.
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