i have soooo much going on right now. I just finished studying for my midterm after a review session, met up with my baby and max to see the new beautiful house, i'm so excited for them. I adore everyone he is living with and i'm sure it'll be a good time for them..i know how much living with my bestfriends has meant to me it's definitely a great experience once you figure out the kinks. Jamie and Reba came and then i had to go... and now i'm sitting in my bath towel (for like the last hour) not wanting to read Victorian Poetry for tomorrow. I also have to print out my paper..ugh i'm just like over school right now. The worst of it is I have to go to work tomorrow night and probably close, and then work again on friday. The only upside is my doctors appointment tomorrow..i hope they fix me I really want to run i feel dis-gus-ting when I can't run.
I also realized today how much drama people are--worry about your own life and try not to create drama in someone else's, it's so ridiculous. People like that need more to do than waste their time talking about other people. Luckily Amy made me realize that it's not even worth it to bother and that there are more important things going on then people being retarded. I just think back to highschool and I have to laugh because alot of people I know now have not matured beyond that level, where gossiping about a random person's personal life was funny, like reading a magazine, without taking time to actually realize what you are saying. IDK Yesterday the roomies were talking about how cool it would be if our lives were a reality show and the more i think about it the more i treasure my privacy
could you imagine being followed with a camera everywhere you went or for poor "Newlyweds" basically a filming of the termination of your marriage? Depressing to say the least. Maybe i'm not any better than the people who get under my skin because I read about celebrities standing in line at the grocery store and formulate stupid opinions and judgments when majority of the pictures are taken out of context or blatant lies. oh no, i am the paparazzi! haha jk, alright well I feel better after venting in my journal, wish me luck on the test...s.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
it's just crazy
I feel knotted and perspicacious. Hit by a bus of emotional turmoil. Saturday nite when we were leaving the movie and i looked at my missed calls, seeing my moms number I just had a feeling. it's amazing the power of intuition, I listened to my voicemail and low and behold Lenna was given 3 days to live. How can someone dictate an amount of time on a human life like they are some kind of statistic? It's so cold and distant.
I called my mom on Sunday and my grandma was going to see Lenna as well..suddenly things were becoming more and more real. I just still can't believe it. Each tear that falls seems like a dream or more so a nightmare. I feel like i'm under water and just can't break through the surface to breathe easy. I've cried and talked so much that almost feel like i have nothing else to say or I don't know where to begin. I guess i'm just exhausted..emotionally. School seems irrelevant. least of my worries, for once.
It's just crazy how things get put into perspective. I'm standing outside british lit, midterm grades being passed out, and i can't even see straight trying to hold it together on the phone with my mom for long enough to catch my breath, you just want to disappear so people don't stare at you or so you don't have to explain and just run in the opposite direction and rewind life. All i can think about is her silver ring sitting on my desk and not on her finger--i shouldn't have it. I know that in a few years i'll be so happy to have it and truly treasure it, but right now I'm just so embittered because three days ago i was writing her a thank you letter telling her how much I admired her and how much she meant to me and how much it meant to entrust me with her jewelry..I don't even know if she got it and it's killing me. i KNEW something was wrong this morning. The news was saying how it was the first day of spring and all I could think about was Lenna..then i call and mom asks "Where are you"
whenever anyone in your life asks "where you are" something very very very terrible is about to unfold, it looms large..until the preceding bus hits you.
I'm so grateful, but not..it's so cliche to say that she passed in her sleep, she was back in her home from the hospice and she had my grandma and mom with her...but i want her back. I feel like I missed out on a bond that i really am ready for now..i'm old enough to not only be her niece but her friend too and she got ripped away from me within a week--i just want to keel over and caterwaul. i'm just angry and sad and everything i can't express in words, it's like a constant lump in your throat that you're desperate to push down for just enough time to feel relief that never recedes and chokes up every chance it can get, for instance sobbing down 6th st all the way into your apartment and then into the arms of your roomates. Thank god for my bestfriends. I come home, wiping tears up the stairs, and sopko is showing off a disgusting bruise and i'm trying not to cry and then all at once i look at amy and it's just an ocean of tears...when will it stop?? I just hope she got my letter..I just thought she'd be reading it and we'd be corresponding and she'd see that i'm dedicated to my studies and not an immature hellion that ruined her parisian sofa but someone who adores her and admires her for all her achievements and gift of grace and class and someone that i just wanted to know and have know me.
this just doesn't seem real, i went over to jamie's and we ended up like crying together about losing people really close to us and it's just so HARD. It doesn't seem to ever get easier or less painful; erin said she still can't put up pictures of her & her grandmother. I still think that what jamie and erin go through is unfathomable to me, just like i'm sure it's hard to understand what i'm going through--but nonetheless they're all so amazing i'm unimaginably grateful for them listening and just being there for me...i'm really really lucky and i know it right now, like amy gave me so much great advice yesterday and eric made me feel quiet inside for awhile..it's just UGH because i know this is something i have to dig through the mud to clear my path, and sometimes it'll falter and like an avalanche i'll be covered..but i guess like all things it just a moment and this time will pass.
I wish i could have heard more stories..learned more..listened more..been there more..rolled my eyes less, matured quicker, and appreciated faster. I don't think i know what heart ache was until THIS moment, my chest is churning and my eyes hurt and i feel an infinite amount of different emotions, shame and guilt for not being more appreciating of her when she was with me..drudging writing a letter or talking to her on the phone..god i wish i could rewind time and just magically instill myself with the maturity and gratitude i have now. i'm still learning and i'm absorbing life like a sponge--i never thought she wouldn't be here for *THIS* moment and time in my life like she was for troy, the time when i need her guidance most b/c i'm so lost in a sea of my peers and scared that i'm not good enough. I called my mom again and told her about saturday nite and grieving and then told her about my "Sign"..this is weird but since my family is so literary and all about reading..when i finally got to eric's dorm and he looked at my midterm which i had already forgotten about, we realized that I had gotten an A on the midterm from hell for my english class..An A..i'm still in disbelief, my teacher wrote "Excellent! A pleasure to read" on my midterm..and all i could think about was "Lenna would be proud of me" for the first time I felt like I had accomplished something and I really felt it..it's so stupid b/c it's a test but it represents so much more to me that i'm not a total loser in the english major and that I do have some amount of talent...my mom told me that she was always proud of me which hasn't sunk in yet..i'm still struggling with it and then my grandma, always knowing what to say, reminded me that they are always proud of me, not because of my A's...i just feel like everything i've done is stupid and trivial compared to what i wanted to show lenna what i can do--troy was in spain, mexico, london, and now an English Professor in Columbia...he's 23. they talked all the time and i just didn't get to make her genuinely proud of me..god i just can't get her voice out of my head that saturday..it's the most unnerving thing to have someone telling you their last wishes when all you want to do is hang up so they dont say GOODBYE to you. I really wanted to believe that she would get better when she got home..i just want to talk to her and tell her all of this and more than anything i want to make something of myself so i don't let her down. ee cummings..coincidence..i think he just knew everything..like lenna, so this poem is fitting
Now i lay(with everywhere around)
me(the great dim deep sound
of rain;and of always and of nowhere)and
what a gently welcoming darkestness--
now i lay me down(in a most steep
more than music)feeling that sunlight is
(life and day are)only loaned:whereas
night is given(night and death and the rain
are given;and given is how beautifully snow)
now i lay me down to dream of(nothing
i or any somebody or you
can begin to begin to imagine)
something which nobody may keep.
now i lay me down to dream of Spring
I called my mom on Sunday and my grandma was going to see Lenna as well..suddenly things were becoming more and more real. I just still can't believe it. Each tear that falls seems like a dream or more so a nightmare. I feel like i'm under water and just can't break through the surface to breathe easy. I've cried and talked so much that almost feel like i have nothing else to say or I don't know where to begin. I guess i'm just exhausted..emotionally. School seems irrelevant. least of my worries, for once.
It's just crazy how things get put into perspective. I'm standing outside british lit, midterm grades being passed out, and i can't even see straight trying to hold it together on the phone with my mom for long enough to catch my breath, you just want to disappear so people don't stare at you or so you don't have to explain and just run in the opposite direction and rewind life. All i can think about is her silver ring sitting on my desk and not on her finger--i shouldn't have it. I know that in a few years i'll be so happy to have it and truly treasure it, but right now I'm just so embittered because three days ago i was writing her a thank you letter telling her how much I admired her and how much she meant to me and how much it meant to entrust me with her jewelry..I don't even know if she got it and it's killing me. i KNEW something was wrong this morning. The news was saying how it was the first day of spring and all I could think about was Lenna..then i call and mom asks "Where are you"
whenever anyone in your life asks "where you are" something very very very terrible is about to unfold, it looms large..until the preceding bus hits you.
I'm so grateful, but not..it's so cliche to say that she passed in her sleep, she was back in her home from the hospice and she had my grandma and mom with her...but i want her back. I feel like I missed out on a bond that i really am ready for now..i'm old enough to not only be her niece but her friend too and she got ripped away from me within a week--i just want to keel over and caterwaul. i'm just angry and sad and everything i can't express in words, it's like a constant lump in your throat that you're desperate to push down for just enough time to feel relief that never recedes and chokes up every chance it can get, for instance sobbing down 6th st all the way into your apartment and then into the arms of your roomates. Thank god for my bestfriends. I come home, wiping tears up the stairs, and sopko is showing off a disgusting bruise and i'm trying not to cry and then all at once i look at amy and it's just an ocean of tears...when will it stop?? I just hope she got my letter..I just thought she'd be reading it and we'd be corresponding and she'd see that i'm dedicated to my studies and not an immature hellion that ruined her parisian sofa but someone who adores her and admires her for all her achievements and gift of grace and class and someone that i just wanted to know and have know me.
this just doesn't seem real, i went over to jamie's and we ended up like crying together about losing people really close to us and it's just so HARD. It doesn't seem to ever get easier or less painful; erin said she still can't put up pictures of her & her grandmother. I still think that what jamie and erin go through is unfathomable to me, just like i'm sure it's hard to understand what i'm going through--but nonetheless they're all so amazing i'm unimaginably grateful for them listening and just being there for me...i'm really really lucky and i know it right now, like amy gave me so much great advice yesterday and eric made me feel quiet inside for awhile..it's just UGH because i know this is something i have to dig through the mud to clear my path, and sometimes it'll falter and like an avalanche i'll be covered..but i guess like all things it just a moment and this time will pass.
I wish i could have heard more stories..learned more..listened more..been there more..rolled my eyes less, matured quicker, and appreciated faster. I don't think i know what heart ache was until THIS moment, my chest is churning and my eyes hurt and i feel an infinite amount of different emotions, shame and guilt for not being more appreciating of her when she was with me..drudging writing a letter or talking to her on the phone..god i wish i could rewind time and just magically instill myself with the maturity and gratitude i have now. i'm still learning and i'm absorbing life like a sponge--i never thought she wouldn't be here for *THIS* moment and time in my life like she was for troy, the time when i need her guidance most b/c i'm so lost in a sea of my peers and scared that i'm not good enough. I called my mom again and told her about saturday nite and grieving and then told her about my "Sign"..this is weird but since my family is so literary and all about reading..when i finally got to eric's dorm and he looked at my midterm which i had already forgotten about, we realized that I had gotten an A on the midterm from hell for my english class..An A..i'm still in disbelief, my teacher wrote "Excellent! A pleasure to read" on my midterm..and all i could think about was "Lenna would be proud of me" for the first time I felt like I had accomplished something and I really felt it..it's so stupid b/c it's a test but it represents so much more to me that i'm not a total loser in the english major and that I do have some amount of talent...my mom told me that she was always proud of me which hasn't sunk in yet..i'm still struggling with it and then my grandma, always knowing what to say, reminded me that they are always proud of me, not because of my A's...i just feel like everything i've done is stupid and trivial compared to what i wanted to show lenna what i can do--troy was in spain, mexico, london, and now an English Professor in Columbia...he's 23. they talked all the time and i just didn't get to make her genuinely proud of me..god i just can't get her voice out of my head that saturday..it's the most unnerving thing to have someone telling you their last wishes when all you want to do is hang up so they dont say GOODBYE to you. I really wanted to believe that she would get better when she got home..i just want to talk to her and tell her all of this and more than anything i want to make something of myself so i don't let her down. ee cummings..coincidence..i think he just knew everything..like lenna, so this poem is fitting
Now i lay(with everywhere around)
me(the great dim deep sound
of rain;and of always and of nowhere)and
what a gently welcoming darkestness--
now i lay me down(in a most steep
more than music)feeling that sunlight is
(life and day are)only loaned:whereas
night is given(night and death and the rain
are given;and given is how beautifully snow)
now i lay me down to dream of(nothing
i or any somebody or you
can begin to begin to imagine)
something which nobody may keep.
now i lay me down to dream of Spring
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