So i did the whole family new years day barbeque thing; and it was definitely worth the immense entertainment. Jeff was armed and ready with a fire extinguisher and goggles when he was frying the turkey at 350 degrees exactly for 50 minutes, meanwhile i sat comfortably with my feet in the spa warmed by the heat lamp. The turkey was incredible coincided with my mom's potato salad, deviled eggs, stuffing, and rolls. mmm mm yummy.
After that i came home and met up with Bri, starbucks wasn't closed so i tried the chai eggnog latte, going with the whole "in the holiday spirit" and it was actually very tasty. I love that our relationship never changes, brian is always just himself which is so comical and so opposite of me in very man ways--he's level headed and logical, also kind of macho haha, but it's great. He's doing the police academy right now so i've got to watch my speed in the neighborhood b/c he told me he would pepper spray me, hand cuff me, and take me downtown. That would probably be the most hilarious site ever ever ever. i would die, for sure. but yeah anyways after that we went to his house and i got to talk to his parents about spring break and maybe doing rocky pointe, his dad is so cute he was like "well, it's gets crazy down there for spring break and i wouldn't let my daughter go" idk i'm just nervous about doing spring break where i dont know the hotels or deals or anything, i just dont want to get screwed. But whatever it'll work out. just cross your fingers it all works out.
Btw, zach man got his xbox 360 idk if i already wrote about it but today i played project gotham 3 on xbox live and whooped ass, i got 1st place . I dont know if you know this, but i'm kind of a big deal. we played a couple more games earlier today and then my mom and i ran some errands prior to the bbq...
Troy still isn't home from being out with my dad and i was telling bri's family about his moving to Florida and wanting to stay in Miami...idk he was like "that's a big move, completely across the country" and like all decisions, i really don't understand the point but they reminded me of the great golf courses in florida, better than tahoe i guess lol, but whatever...i still have alot to muddle through.
Monday, January 2, 2006
Sunday, January 1, 2006
is it a gender thing?
I'm seriously so baffled right now. My brother's belongings have infiltrated the den and i honestly feel like i dont know him. How can someone be so booksmart, but so blatantly stupid when it comes to relationships? My dad has the audacity to send me an email with the dates that he'll be in town, and i quote "maybe we could get dinner on the 1st b/c i miss you guys." So how does that correlate with coming to get my brother at 3pm today? Dinner..3...sorry not seeing it.
The really unnerving aspect of this is that my brother pretty much laughed in my mom's face, he sat glaring at her over a can of dr. pepper like everything she was saying was superfluous and un-necessary, all he said was "the drama level in this house appears to be high" all sarcastically. My mom didn't yell at him at all, she was very calm and said "i'm sure george and jeff wont be offended b/c their very gracious, but i'm offended. I'm offended because we had family plans that are once again being subsided because of your dad, i think your dad is just as in the wrong as you are." He just doesn't think it's a big deal. Is this like a gender thing? i'm siding with my mom b/c i'm a girl and my brother sides with my dad because he's a guy..i really don't know. it just really makes me sad that my brother doesn't see how disrespectful my dad is to my mom--he didn't even call her to communicate his intentions or plans or anything.
they are soooo disfunctional, unfortunately it's now created tension between my brother and i.
I called eric to get his input whether or not i should go or if i should stick it out with my plans, and he was just as ify as i was. it really...i guess just sucks that no one knows my position or my situation. I couldn't think of anyone to call about this, nor do i particularly want to unravel all my emotional baggage on anyone else. Does that make sense?
When i got off the phone with eric i was like..oh great i'm the lame ass needy girlfriend, i dont want to call anyone for help. And i found myself worrying about what he thought of me now. I feel embarrassed when i need support from people, i dont want anyone to feel sorry for me but at the same time i'm so desperate to find someone to show me the way or tell me what to do because i dont know and i'm just so unbelievably overwhelmed all the time. i dont think eric sees the anxiety i've been feeling, not doing a comparison, this is separate but it's so crappy that garrett and i aren't like good friends now, the good thing about us like just knowing eachother is that we were so supportive and helpful to eachother in areas like this because with as much parental drama as i have he could relate and put himself in my shoes and we didn't judge eachother or look down on the other or see them as weaker b/c of their problems...it's exactly that problems not the person.
I think it's really eating me up that i'm alone in this, i've got no one to put themselves in mine just for a minute. I have this knot in my stomach and lump in my throat and daily i try and cover it up by busying myself with other things; but the minute my dad appears again i feel like i'm fat and ugly and need to work out, and now i'm hiding out in the computer room so i dont start to cry. I know it's hard for anyone to relate to me though too, which sucks because i want a miracle friend to just appear and UNDERSTAND me, not listen but UNDERSTAND.
I know nobody knows my dad and what kind of person he is; my dad isn't an awful guy or anything but he's just not very loving or parental in any sort of way. I get really stuck when i think back on him teaching me how to drive , idk he's done some great things for me but he also causes an upheaval of emotional stress for me. i have been sick inside for like a week now anticipating him coming, i've tried not to cry but i dont think any of my friends or even my mom understands how much it hurts me to talk about him or deal with the situation; i just dont know how to act. I've been really apathetic in dealing with it or downplaying my discontentment, but at some point i just want to let it go and have someone tell me it's okay to cry and it's okay to be bitter and that i dont need to feel less than i am b/c my dad doesn't view me as a real person. It sucks, a couple weeks ago when i got the email i started crying, trying to be quiet so my roomates wouldn't hear and all i wanted to do was going in to amy's room and just sob and just have someone to help me get through it but i started to stand up and walk to the door and i ended up shutting it b/c i didnt know how she would react; i dont know even where i would have began, you can't just show up in someone's room crying and blubbering. i just can't let myself reach out because honestly i dont think anybody else would see why it's so hard on me? idk maybe nobody can help me, maybe it's just part of growing up. Why can't i just feel confident in myself and find myself and just KNOW what to do. but i dont know what to do, i dont know if i'm in the wrong and just have skewed vision because of my mom's perspective and her opinion on things.
I don't want to dislike my dad..you only get one, and i just feel so angry that the one i got causes a tornado wherever he goes or with whatever he touches.
I feel like i've had a wrecking ball hanging in my body for years and it's just been cracking my insides until all i want to do is cover it all up, bury it under mounds and mounds--i'm tired of having something in my life affecting me ALL THE TIME that i can't control. I get so pissed when people are like "Woe is me, feel sorry for me" on a topic that they can't change, the advice i've given is that you can only change how you react to things and im digging and digging to find a way to react differently and feel different. for the first time in my life i need space.
I want to get away from everyone. i dont want to talk to anyone, shut out anybody and everybody, go find a secluded spot on the golf course and just think..think until i can't think anymore and write until no stone is unturned. i miss waking up in the morning and not feeling burdened, i want to wake up and feel at peace with myself...i just dont know if i can honestly get my hands dirty and deal with it, confront it head on and relieve myself of every weight i have put on myself--i'm just tired.
The really unnerving aspect of this is that my brother pretty much laughed in my mom's face, he sat glaring at her over a can of dr. pepper like everything she was saying was superfluous and un-necessary, all he said was "the drama level in this house appears to be high" all sarcastically. My mom didn't yell at him at all, she was very calm and said "i'm sure george and jeff wont be offended b/c their very gracious, but i'm offended. I'm offended because we had family plans that are once again being subsided because of your dad, i think your dad is just as in the wrong as you are." He just doesn't think it's a big deal. Is this like a gender thing? i'm siding with my mom b/c i'm a girl and my brother sides with my dad because he's a guy..i really don't know. it just really makes me sad that my brother doesn't see how disrespectful my dad is to my mom--he didn't even call her to communicate his intentions or plans or anything.
they are soooo disfunctional, unfortunately it's now created tension between my brother and i.
I called eric to get his input whether or not i should go or if i should stick it out with my plans, and he was just as ify as i was. it really...i guess just sucks that no one knows my position or my situation. I couldn't think of anyone to call about this, nor do i particularly want to unravel all my emotional baggage on anyone else. Does that make sense?
When i got off the phone with eric i was like..oh great i'm the lame ass needy girlfriend, i dont want to call anyone for help. And i found myself worrying about what he thought of me now. I feel embarrassed when i need support from people, i dont want anyone to feel sorry for me but at the same time i'm so desperate to find someone to show me the way or tell me what to do because i dont know and i'm just so unbelievably overwhelmed all the time. i dont think eric sees the anxiety i've been feeling, not doing a comparison, this is separate but it's so crappy that garrett and i aren't like good friends now, the good thing about us like just knowing eachother is that we were so supportive and helpful to eachother in areas like this because with as much parental drama as i have he could relate and put himself in my shoes and we didn't judge eachother or look down on the other or see them as weaker b/c of their problems...it's exactly that problems not the person.
I think it's really eating me up that i'm alone in this, i've got no one to put themselves in mine just for a minute. I have this knot in my stomach and lump in my throat and daily i try and cover it up by busying myself with other things; but the minute my dad appears again i feel like i'm fat and ugly and need to work out, and now i'm hiding out in the computer room so i dont start to cry. I know it's hard for anyone to relate to me though too, which sucks because i want a miracle friend to just appear and UNDERSTAND me, not listen but UNDERSTAND.
I know nobody knows my dad and what kind of person he is; my dad isn't an awful guy or anything but he's just not very loving or parental in any sort of way. I get really stuck when i think back on him teaching me how to drive , idk he's done some great things for me but he also causes an upheaval of emotional stress for me. i have been sick inside for like a week now anticipating him coming, i've tried not to cry but i dont think any of my friends or even my mom understands how much it hurts me to talk about him or deal with the situation; i just dont know how to act. I've been really apathetic in dealing with it or downplaying my discontentment, but at some point i just want to let it go and have someone tell me it's okay to cry and it's okay to be bitter and that i dont need to feel less than i am b/c my dad doesn't view me as a real person. It sucks, a couple weeks ago when i got the email i started crying, trying to be quiet so my roomates wouldn't hear and all i wanted to do was going in to amy's room and just sob and just have someone to help me get through it but i started to stand up and walk to the door and i ended up shutting it b/c i didnt know how she would react; i dont know even where i would have began, you can't just show up in someone's room crying and blubbering. i just can't let myself reach out because honestly i dont think anybody else would see why it's so hard on me? idk maybe nobody can help me, maybe it's just part of growing up. Why can't i just feel confident in myself and find myself and just KNOW what to do. but i dont know what to do, i dont know if i'm in the wrong and just have skewed vision because of my mom's perspective and her opinion on things.
I don't want to dislike my dad..you only get one, and i just feel so angry that the one i got causes a tornado wherever he goes or with whatever he touches.
I feel like i've had a wrecking ball hanging in my body for years and it's just been cracking my insides until all i want to do is cover it all up, bury it under mounds and mounds--i'm tired of having something in my life affecting me ALL THE TIME that i can't control. I get so pissed when people are like "Woe is me, feel sorry for me" on a topic that they can't change, the advice i've given is that you can only change how you react to things and im digging and digging to find a way to react differently and feel different. for the first time in my life i need space.
I want to get away from everyone. i dont want to talk to anyone, shut out anybody and everybody, go find a secluded spot on the golf course and just think..think until i can't think anymore and write until no stone is unturned. i miss waking up in the morning and not feeling burdened, i want to wake up and feel at peace with myself...i just dont know if i can honestly get my hands dirty and deal with it, confront it head on and relieve myself of every weight i have put on myself--i'm just tired.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)